A tough question about infidelity in marriage was asked by an often thought-provoking reader.
This most recent question from “TheB” asked, “Rita, as a columnist your job is to help us make sense of the world, providing guidance to a subject that has no easy answers. But looking over a number of your columns and blog entries, I’m not convinced that ‘hot sex’ and ‘kind words’ are enough to cool off the tempest of outrage over a violation of trust, a tenet so basic to the marriage contract.”
The question: “Infidelity, as much as physical and mental abuse, is a soul destroyer so I ask you this question: ‘When do you walk away?'”
(See entire comment under Married but Cheating, my Sunday Providence Journal column.)
My Answer — the inception: I have really struggled with this answer. I have often talked with people who really pinpoint the inception of infidelity. When a relationship isn’t going well, both parties know it. They begin the distancing. Then sniping and unkind words follow. Both parties know there is a problem, but most often couples don’t want to face it and fix it.
Emotional infidelity: Too often, when a relationship is in trouble the man walks away thinking he is buying peace at any price — and for many men, the price they pay is losing the love of their life.
He might even think that the “grass is greener” and already be putting out feelers. Women have a tendancy to stay, particularly if children are involved. However, infidelity often takes place within one’s mind first. The physical act is simply a manifestation of an emotional process.
Psychiatrists say: Women know when a relationship is in trouble and frequently seek help. Men on the otherhand often don’t show up until after they have been served divorce papers and then they ask, “What happened?”
Several answers: But specific to your question, Mr. B, this WebMD feature article might provide some answers about repairing a relationship after infidelity and knowing when to call it quits. Overcoming Infidelity
Preventive medicine: My grandmother believed that you should never let the sun set on your anger. It would be best if you apologized even if the other person was wrong. I wonder what would happen if couples took time each day at the end of the day to both talk and listen? Might they might find greater peace of mind and a bond of friendship that is so dramatic, that infidelity would be out of the question?
Copyright 2008 Rita Watson