The blog post yesterday about the French government opposing forced marriages had some people asking my thoughts about marriage in general. And I wonder –with the rise in infidelity and living together instead of walking down the aisle — does marriage have a future?
First off, of course, I am opposed to forced marriages. Oftentimes these are between young children and older men — and our society has rules for protecting children from being forced into unions that can be harmful to their physical or emotional well-being.
As for arranged marriages, I do think that marriages based on values probably have just as much chance for success as marriages based on love — which seem to last about 7 years according to most statistical reports. We often heard jokes about the 7-year-itch. But in today’s society, it seems that instead of “itching” we simply scratch our signature onto a divorce decree.
An arranged marriage, or a marriaged based on mutual respect and attraction offers the possibility for life long love. As Leo Buscaglia, author of LOVE, said in talking about his parents — an arranged Italian marriage — they grew in love. Whereas in our society today, we wait for “The one and only.” And for those waiting, the wait could go on for years.
What I wonder most often is whether or not the words, “for better or worse, until death do us part” will become obsolete? With recent statistics from 13 countries showing that marriage is down while living together is up – and monogamy being challenged by polyamory – there is cause for concern.
Some research indicates that monogamy is simply not part of our make-up. Couples have been choosing alternative arrangements for years – look at Eleanor and Franklin D. Roosevelt (and his mistresses), Nelson Rockefeller and his mistresses, and the open relationship between John Lennon and Yoko Ono.
In the 1800s, the married Amherst College treasurer, Austin Dickinson, spent 13 years involved with a young professor’s wife, Mabel Loomis Todd. His sister, Poet Emily Dickinson helped her brother and Mabel sustain the affair.
Yes, I worry about the future of marriage. However, as an incurable romantic, I am ever hopeful.
Nonetheless, I paused at a New Yorker cartoon several months ago by Michael Crawford. A middle-aged couple in the formal “just married” attire of tux and tulle are sitting in the back of a limousine. The caption reads: “It didn’t have to end like this.”
If you are wondering if marriage is in your mate’s genes, take a look at this piece. The Marriage Gene
Copyright 2008 Rita Watson