In a world of looking for love, men and women have different wants and needs.
What Women Want
1. Loving devotion in a committed relationship. This is a simple wish in which action speaks louder than words. A devoted man is respectful of the time they share, respectful of her work, her friends, her family, and their togetherness. Essentially women believe in a “we” relationship rather than an “I” relationship.
2. Thoughtful, honest behavior. Women like men who are honest about their thoughts—and their whereabouts. And women demand truthfulness, according to psychologist Nicole M. Else-Quest of the University of Maryland who analyzed 300 studies to compare women’s and men’s self-conscious emotions. If a guy slips-up he should say so.
3. Generosity of spirit. Women appreciate men who are not just good money managers but are also generous in spirit. In talking with men, it is refreshing to find how many really enjoy coming up with gifts that they know will be appreciated. These men also understand reciprocity—that giving a woman pleasure will result in her desire to give pleasure to him. The late sexologist Carol Botwin noted that withholding traits carry over into sex and doom relationships —Love Crisis: Hit-and-run Lovers, Jugglers, Sexual Stingies.
4. Satisfying sex. Individuals’ definitions of satisfying sex range from romantic to wild and crazy. And with 75 million readers of romance novels, the fantasy of being courted has clearly not lost its attraction. And yes, it is sheer romance when two people experience the power of love by transcending all obstacles.
What Men Want
1. Sex. One young man once complained to me, “Sometimes my girlfriend is in the kitchen and she looks so sexy in a cute domestic way. So I go over to her and try to be romantic and she says, ‘Not now, I’m cooking.’ That’s almost as bad as ‘Not tonight, dear.'” But women’s and men’s sexual desires do change somewhat over time. Men’s sexual desires may tend to remain at their peak for longer periods of time, whereas many women may experience a diminished sexual drive at menopause.
Sociologist Edward O. Laumann of the University of Chicago, the lead author of a major survey of sexual practices told me that at a certain stage, “Men trade up for younger women.” This is often related to sexual desire.
2. Freedom. Many men desire to feel free not to be boxed in by questions like “What are we doing this weekend?” or “Why didn’t you call?” If they do not answer phone messages, texts, or emails right away, it may be that they feel they should be exempt. Women facing this response may need to decide whether they will accept it or decide that a partner is no longer worth the effort.
3. Forgiveness. Grudges are wedges in relationships. Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky of the University of California, Riverside has written about the importance of the forgiveness factor in relationships.
4. Appreciation. Men really do want to be respected and appreciated. For many, this may mean that they need a lot of stroking. Their partners should be aware that praise and gratitude work wonders, emotionally and physically—as long as it’s truthful. And along with the truth, men want partners to tell them what they want, as a perception of nagging makes them feel unappreciated.
Long-Term Happiness
Studies of long-term, committed couples show that there are almost always ups and down in the phases of a relationship. Starting out with a positive attitude and trying to negotiate differences are good ways to seek and maintain a relationship balance.