Tools to build health and happiness into holidays on Page H5 of Sunday, December 16, 2012 issue of Providence Journal
In a season in which everyone is wishing someone a “Happy,” sometimes happiness becomes a challenge. We want to feel good in the presence of people we love, but we just cannot seem to find our smile. We want to look lovingly at that special person, but we are overwhelmed either by seasonal stress or the sudden reminder of a past hurt. How can we reclaim our joy?
First, remind yourself that even the experts acknowledge that joy can be a challenge. Thankfulness does not always come naturally. Robert Emmons, a professor of psychology at the University of California at Davis, points out that while gratitude is frequently a reaction to goodness it is “not an automatic response to life situations.”
Life situations can be hurtful and make us angry. But that is precisely the time to direct anger at the situation and not the people involved. It helps to think of all the happiness you once derived from a person whom you might be blaming for taking away your smile. Finding a positive quality in them is a start to reclaiming your own joy.
As I have written often, Emmons shows us that “By living the gratitude that we do not necessarily feel, we can begin to feel that gratitude that we live.” This is especially important in relationships around holiday time.
In talking with Dr. James M. Ellison, associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, he explained the holiday challenge. “We build magical expectations of the holidays in our minds. When experience fails to match our hopes, as it often does, we become stressed and even depressed.”
“Each holiday season resonates with past holidays,” Dr. Ellison says. “If we have a history of happy holidays, the current ones benefit. But if loss, sadness, or disappointment were prominent in the past, these feelings color our present experience.”
When feelings merge with the day-to-day reality of stress or past emotions, you can almost feel your smile slipping away.
To keep yourself upbeat, here are a few suggestions. Set priorities so that you can take small breaks — mini-vacations — during the day. Listen to music that is uplifting. Look at photos that make you smile. Or, refocus your thoughts on someone who might appreciate a note, a phone call or a visit. And if you cannot take action right away, sit quietly for a moment and wish them blessings. This helps you build up a reserve of joy.
Then think about the concept of little miracles in your life each day, from flowers to snowflakes. Remind yourself of the words in an old hymn, “Let us rejoice and be glad.”
Rita Watson, whose website is ritawatson.com, is a relationship columnist for “All About You.”