In a world of relationship stress, the un-divorced are a growing phenomenon in this country. These are the husbands and wives who stay married but live apart or drift into extra-marital relationships. The trend is perplexing. Maybe the un-divorced are simply people who have not learned how to fight fairly and, as such, drift into separate corners of their combined universe rather than rekindle love.
The un-divorced include the über-rich and your next-door neighbors in houses where he lives on one floor and she lives on the other. Warren Buffett was so entwined with his wife and mistress that the three reportedly sent out holiday cards together. Artist Willem de Kooning remained married for years although he and his wife did not live together. One of the most famous among the un-divorced was Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis’ companion, diamond merchant Maurice Tempelsman; his wife finally sought a divorce under Jewish law.
No matter what the problem, you can learn to fight constructively rather than allow pent up anger to turn into a volcano or the silent treatment that includes withholding sex.
When you are angry, let your partner know that you really do want to resolve the issues at hand. Remember your goal is loving and fostering a healthy relationship. When two people do fight it often shows that they are invested in a relationship and want to jump over the hurdles to find happiness.
So consider these don’ts.
- Never send angry e-mails — these put a damper on loving.
- Don’t keep repeating yourself — you will sound like you are nagging.
- The words “How many times have I told you?” simply do not work.
- Never let one incident turn into tumbleweed; nip the problem at the onset.
What should you do to foster a happier relationship and better sex life?
Try loving words instead of criticism by day to enhance creative play at night. Just read Dr. Scott Haltzman, who wrote “The Secrets of Happily Married Men” and “The Secrets of Happily Married Women.”
Make a “sexercise” date especially if you have been avoiding sexual intimacy. Sex is believed to be better for your health than diet and exercise. Why sex over exercise? It eases stress, boosts your heart health, fights aging, and strengthens the immune system. In fact, even sex just once a week is beneficial.
Learn the art of kissing and making up. It doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong. What matters in relationships is that you go to bed with love instead of anger. If you go to bed angry the two of you are losing sleep, peace of mind and maybe your marriage as well.
Rita Watson, an incurable romantic, is our relationship columnist and regular Journal contributor whose web address is ritawatson.com