The next time anger rears up, try being grateful

Well, it happened. Despite my determination to remain positive and upbeat about life, after a particularly daunting situation, I found myself with a sleepless night. In a recent interview with university Prof. Diane Kholos Wysocki, she pointed out that sleepless nights are a relationship’s red flag.
In my case it came after a “hands folded tightly” business meeting in which everyone really wanted to lunge across the conference table and go for the jugular. But in a civilized society we sit up straight, put on our best plastic smile, and negotiate.
What did I do when I woke up in the middle of the night? First, I went for the ice cream sundae laced with caramel in my freezer, and then I turned to gratitude.
Essentially, I took the situation apart, making a list of “I’m grateful for the people, the meeting, the problem, my solution, and their solution.” And that’s when I stopped. I hit the sticking point. But at least I saw the stumbling block and a possible answer. I went back to sleep and, by morning, I was lingering in gratitude instead of seething with anger.
As a devotee of Dr. Robert Emmons, University of California, Davis — “practicing gratitude whether you feel it or not” — I rarely reach exasperation. But when I do, most often it is because I am distrustful of someone within the situation.
Distrust happens in families, relationships and marriage. Frequently, the sticking point centers on unspoken expectations and hidden agendas. When someone we care about is at the core of our sadness or anger, where do we go from there?
Dr. Wysocki, sociologist and sexting expert at the University of Nebraska at Kearney, tells me that in relationships — where we go to next is communication!
“In today’s technology world, it is so easy to take the emotional infidelity route from texting, to sexting, to cheating rather than communicating with your spouse or lover,” she said. “I began to wonder what it is that brings people to the point of having an affair. In addition to reviewing my research, I talked with many friends about their marriages and divorces.
“In reality, marriage takes work. Maybe couples need to spend more time taking care of those they love.” She added, “When cheating results, it takes a toll on everyone involved. There is an emotional, financial and family loss that cannot be returned. When we don’t make those we love a priority, it oftentimes affects one’s health.”
The answer? Essentially, in relationships, we are looking at unconditional love — a daily process of loving and forgiving laced with laughter, smiles and a gentle touch.
Rita Watson, one of our Relationship columnists and a regular op-ed page contributor, is an author, mother and incurable romantic. You can reach her at www.ritawatson.com.