Forgiveness is in the mainstream news, a CNN feature this week-end. Forgiveness is at the heart and core of all our relationships.
There are many postings on this site about forgiveness. We often point out that men and women do have a different view on forgiving and forgetting. Our take is forgiveness between couples, however, the CNN story has a broader reach, forgiveness within families.
Men: For men, forgiveness depends upon the situation — when it comes to cheating in a relationship — research shows that men are less forgiving than women. And men who are too forgiving — letting the good law of karma run its course — may actually be doing themselves more harm than good.
Whether it is burying their heads in the sand, hoping for the best, or just walking away without a confrontation, this attitude generally turns into a diaster. Why? Because they keep running into the same problems with relationships over and over again. New look — same old book.
Women: While women may not leave a relationship, they may hold out on the forgiveness factor especially if they rationalize that they are in the right. With this attitude, everyone loses. However, when it comes to infidelity, women tend to be more forgiving of their husbands, especially when children are involved.
Friendships, intimacy, and loners: Friendships are vital to love and health. Women cultivate friendships. Men find it more difficult to do. As Maureen Dowd’s column pointed out (it is now a top story all over the Internet and we carried it immediately) men without friends do not know how to be intimate.
Friends can help you forgive by drawing a circle of love around you. We are reading a lot about “ex-friends” and “ex-lovers” these days and will do more postings next week. But for now, the blogs, magazines, and medical journals are unanimous: Friendships are protective.
The Journal of the American Medical Association found that when healthy volunteers were infected with a cold virus, those who had a network of social contacts were less likely to get sick than the loners. Friends help you to stay balanced, will help you laugh at yourself.
Practice forgiving: It is a lot simpler than you might think.
- Write down the one thing that is bothering you about your spouse or lover.
- Ask yourself what role you are playing in the problem.
- Then write ten positive qualities of your partner. A friend who long practiced Religious Science says it takes ten positives to cancel out one negative.
- Begin to see yourself interacting with the positive person with whom you fell in love.
- Begin to recount the joys in friendship.
- Take a chance on change.
Embrace change: A change in thinking from anger to forgiveness will do wonders for your heart and may save your marriage or relationship, rekindle a friendship, and heal your heart and soul. From cnn.com, Forgivenes or Not
- Mending a Marriage after Infidelity Takes Forgiveness
- When Every Day You Think Love not Divorce
- Good Book, Sex, or Forgiveness Helps Sleep
Copyright 2008 Rita Watson