The Catch-22 of ‘If you loved me’ / The Providence Journal, Sunday, July 29,
Rita Watson
In reality, ideal love — love that is unconditional — is one in which you love someone from the bottom of your heart despite behavior, actions or even qualities. However, the world of love is often entwined with happiness.
The woman who says, “If you loved me you would (remember my birthday; make plans for our anniversary; send me flowers for no reason at all)” is really saying, “If you do these things for me, then I will be happy.”
There are two questions to ask here. Will little gestures really make you happy? If remembrances, anniversary plans and flowers are important to you, then why not tactfully or playfully remind your man in advance?
Here lies the problem. Women expect men to think like a woman. And they don’t. Male companions, lovers and spouses do not necessarily come with a degree in sensitivity training. They come with their male baggage, which they often do not even see. How could they, when they rarely even notice that they’ve left their shoes on the stairs, their socks in the hall and a briefcase on the table?
Women want men to remember their birthdays when sometimes these same guys can’t even find their cell phones or car keys.
One of my favorite interviews was with a young man who complained of “sexual shutout in hidden agenda hell.” He said, “She wants me to read her mind. I tell her: ‘Look, you see this car manual. It shows you where the problem is so you can repair it. Pretend I’m a car. Tell me what you need and I’ll try to fix it.’ ”
Now here is the Catch-22 of “If you loved me.” A couple may seek therapy because this is the man’s way to prove love to his wife, who often repeats, “You never do anything right.”
David M. Allen, M.D., professor emeritus at the University of Tennessee says, “Such a man might think he is supposed to take her statement as an instruction on what she wants or needs from him.
“I try to look at a couple from the standpoint of their family-of-origin. A possible scenario about her family would be that she has to be married to an incompetent man because for some reason her parents would feel threatened if her marriage were happier.”
A point to consider — if her husband changes and becomes more independent, he upsets the dynamic, leaving his wife unable to cope. As the saying goes, “Be careful what you wish for.”
In essence this is all about communication. Instead of the “We need to talk” conversation, how about trying, “What would make you really happy today?” Then see where the dialogue leads you.
The Catch-22 of ‘If you loved me’ on Page H5 of Sunday, July 29, 2012 issue of The Providence JournalRita Watson, an incurable romantic, is our relationship columnist and regular Journal contributor whose web address is ritawatson.com.