RELATIONSHIPS/ The Providence Journal
Take off that fairy-tale mask and make strong decisions
Rita Watson / Sunday/ March 11, 2012
We all know that when we are stressed we can change the situation or change our response to it. But for many women decision making was shaped by a style learned as children, and we still wear the masks of Little Miss Muffet, Little Mary Sunshine, and Little Bo Peep.
Masks protect us from being consumed by particularly difficult decisions, especially relationships. In this age in which married couples are stressed with an uncertain financial future, living together is becoming trendier than marriage, and men from bad divorces are afraid to make a commitment.
Women often find themselves at the decision-making helm. Each situation carries a risk. And while many women are uncomfortable with their situation, speaking out for change can be even more difficult.
With decisions that are complex and painful, masks can be helpful. Little Miss Muffet knows she is afraid to face her fears. She ran from the spider who sat down beside her, and she is in constant turmoil. Little Mary Sunshine is a pleaser who bowed to the wishes of her parents and now bows to the wishes of men in her life. She is often caught up in the “Hurt Bird” syndrome, trying to nurse emotionally compromised men back to happiness.
Little Bo Peep is the classic non-decider. She leaves them alone until they come home. She makes the decision to make no decision. Hers is a life of frustration and she doesn’t understand why.
What each wearer of the mask has in common is the inability to look in the mirror and ask, “What do I want for myself?” Husbands, lovers, and family members have come to depend upon the person behind the mask. They know what to expect.
When women develop the courage to adapt to a new decision-making style it is threatening to others. Sensing this often tempts women to go back to the mask. When this happens, if you, like most of us, are a mask-wearer, it is important to find the courage to consider your own value and make a decision that is important to you. To back down means you are handing over your power to someone else.
The strength of a relationship is the ability to communicate honestly. Create a safe place within your heart and home to have discussions without accusing, without threatening and without demanding.
You might even start out by saying, “I’ve been wearing a mask to hide from making decisions, but now I want to let you know what it is I am really feeling. I really care about you, and I am hoping that we can find some common ground.”
Rita Watson, an incurable romantic, is our relationship columnist and regular Journal contributor whose web address is ritawatson.com .