Why is it that words are so often used as swords instead of roses?
Cars, Sex, and The Passive Agressive Lane
How I became a relationships writer is a bit of serendipity, although my secret fantasy was to become the Sex in the City for Men Only columnist. Why? I am the mother of sons, spent years at The Times as one of the guys plus another 10 years in psychology and psychiatry at Yale. And I realized that I can write about the subject because growing up in a working world of men, we talked often about relationships, generally after I made an analogy between cars and sex – without blushing.
This problem: The next day, I would receive a phone call inviting me to lunch. We would begin with complaints about editors and deadlines. Then across the table I would see a slight turn of the head, clenched jaw, and hunched shoulders. He might even loosen his tie. Finally a lowered voice would say, “We are having this problem.” Somehow, we could talk freely until we came too close to the real issue – sexual needs versus understanding. Then it was back to wishing for the luxury that eluded us in Manhattan, owning a car.
What changed? Cars are a safe subject and car writers get right down to the details. Whether or not a man plans to buy a new car is irrelevant. The articles cover specifics. A man knows that what he reads, sees, test drives, and eventually buys is what he gets. When something goes wrong, he has the repair manual and a maintenance schedule. Relationships are not that clear-cut. Men so often say, “After we were married, something changed, mostly our sex life.”
Do women change their spots? I would like to believe that as women we are not leopards changing our spots. Yet even Boston Legal featured Denny Crane learning that his fifth wife was planning on retiring him to Hawaii minutes after saying, “I do.” It would be ideal if the sexes could talk about expectations and perceptions. But it doesn’t happen that way.
When a man comes home from work, a woman may ask with sincerity, “How was your day?” But he doesn’t want to talk about it. Many women in offices are disillusioned with the workforce. Yet, they bring the office home with them and want to talk about conflicts, confrontations, and demands. Chances are he doesn’t want to hear about it, at least not immediately.
The sniping begins: Then the accusation comes at him: “You never talk to me.”
As we shift into a 24/7 Blackberry, laptop and two-paycheck society, there are too many couples on overdrive moving into the passive-aggressive or snipe-at-each-other lane.
When a car shows signs of stress, or needs a tune-up, men handle it immediately. There is a problem and men fix it. In a relationship, who is responsible for the tune up? Perhaps women should take the lead. Although men today are more involved in parenting and family than our fathers were, women have that sixth sense. Research at Yale indicates that women have so keen an intuition that they sense a relationship problem at its inception.
Skills instead of sniping: If men and women could develop their intuitive skills and interpret the silences, downcast eyes, uncomfortable moments and body language, perhaps more relationships could be saved. Or should women be using their gift to cultivate non-judgmental spaces within the home?
In an atmosphere with no hidden agendas, just simple clarity, both parties would benefit. When home is a sanctuary, men might find saying, “Can we talk?” is as easy as test driving a car.
Adapted from Providence Journal article.
Copyright 2008 Rita Watson