Part of school is learning to get along / Rita Watson
Now that school is in full swing, parents are hearing a range of reactions from “I love my teacher” to “I hate my teacher.” Or “All my friends are in another class.” Sometimes children are more subtle: “I can’t go to school because I have a stomach ache.” With a full school year to go, how do parents help children navigate classroom personalities? Both Susan Chin, award-winning Veazie Street Elementary School principal, and David C. Rettew, M.D., child psychiatrist at the University of Vermont — whose new book on child temperament is about to be released — provided some suggestions.
Susan Chin is a believer in enhancing respect. She says “Everything hinges on communication and building relationships to build up children and families. Mutual respect is key and we operate under the premise that we are all here for the same reason — the children.”
While teachers may help ease the transition most often it is up to the parents, especially when children are unhappy with a new teacher. Dr. Rettew says, “It is fine to support and validate a child’s feelings, if he or she is struggling with a particular teacher, but get the facts. Then keep any strong criticism away from your child. You can let your child know you are talking to people and trying to help without undermining their respect for the teacher and the school,” he said. Dr. Rettew is also associate professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at UVM.
In the actual school setting teachers know that sometimes things get off to a bumpy start and Chin says it is important to address this. She noted: “We need to work through what the adult concerns might be.” She advocates coming to the table and saying, ‘We may have gotten off on the wrong foot, but let’s communicate, mediate, and come up with a plan that is going to keep a positive flow of communication between all of us.’ ”
Sometimes a parent reacts because another child in the family had a difficult time with a particular teacher. But Chin points out: “Every child is different. While parents may have perceptions and impressions, it is our role to say, ‘Let’s see if we can work together to your child’s advantage.’ ”
What happens if the conflict occurs between two children inside or outside of the classroom?
Dr. Rettew says, “When there is a conflict, a parent should be open to hearing all the facts, including the possibility that their own child may have played a part in the problem. However, for more minor problems between kids, it is best to resist the temptation to jump in. Instead try to teach children how to manage some situations on their own. Very often, a child involved in an interpersonal conflict will focus on trying to change the other person’s behavior by wondering, ‘How can I get him to stop being so mean?’ ”
Dr. Rettew, whose new book is Child Temperament: New Thinking about the Boundary between Traits and Illness, suggests helping the child change his or her reaction to the perceived “mean kid.”
Parents can do this by helping their child focus on ways to ignore the behavior or include the other child in their games. However, if their child feels threatened, talking with a teacher should be encouraged.
Sometimes children feel lonely because their best friends are in another classroom. Chin said, “We need to help children get past sad or hurt feelings. Part of teaching children in a school setting is asking ourselves, ‘how can we empower children to advocate for themselves?’ Again, this comes back to communication.”
Chin wants children to be able to articulate when they feel sad and then help them find a way to turn the situation around. She said, “We might say to a child, ‘I know you feel sad right now, but look at all of the good feelings that you shared today. I saw you jumping rope with someone new. You both seemed happy. Tell me about your new friend.’ ”
She added, “It’s about helping a child live in the moment each day. We do this by reinforcing positive shared experiences — teachers building with children and children building with each other.”
Change is stressful even for adults. Parents who help children embrace new experiences often see improved relationships. If parents help children enjoy the daily adventure of learning, and interacting with new people, they give their children the foundation for a lifelong skill — navigating personalities.
Rita Watson, MPH, (ritawatson.com) is a regular contributor to the Journal and a relationship columnist for The Providence Journal’s “All About You” section.
Providence Journal, Monday, Sept 30, 2013, PAge B1, Section: Thrive