When a panorama of starbursts brightened the night sky, my mother explained that the dazzling display was for my birthday. Fireworks can transfix us for hours. Yet, in our multi-tasking world we often find it difficult to focus for even 10 minutes on someone we love.
Mayo Clinic’s Health Letter, highlighting mindfulness, discusses a practice for staying in the moment. In talking with Rhode Island Poet Laureate Rick Benjamin, I came to see that poetry also supports a mindfulness and freedom through the use of words.
The meaning of freedom can range from national Independence Day gratitude to breaking free of worn out relationships, prejudices and anger. I was invited to one of Benjamin’s workshops and, as a prelude to a discussion on enemies, he recited “Red Brocade” by Naomi Shihab Nye. Then after asking us to write a poem about an enemy — real or perceived — he admitted: “There was an enemy once in my family. I forgave him. We are now friends.” For Benjamin that might have been Independence Day.
In relationships today independence might also mean breaking free of the digital devices that invade our homes and even special times together. Have you ever watched what happens to a couple during a romantic dinner when a cell phone rings? In the split second to answer or turn it off, the mood is shattered. Strengthening a relationship takes work and focus.
These tips can be helpful:
Let go of anger and remind yourself often that in relationships it takes honesty to face the enemy within, courage to say “I’m sorry,” and wisdom to embrace.
Develop an attitude of gratitude rather than taking love for granted.
Smile often during the day — at friends, family, and strangers.
Look into their faces and silently wish blessings.
Practice mindfulness when you walk, eat, and when you find moments to be alone. Mindfulness fosters the freedom to be in the moment and not anticipate what might happen next. I still remember that day after the fireworks my father took us for a ride on the Flying Horses. I was expecting everyone in town at the fireworks display would be wishing me “Happy Birthday.” After telling this to my father he just smiled. Moments later the carousel operator came by to say, “This next ride is for your birthday.”
As we grow older, we have no buffer to mitigate disappointment and regret. We become responsible for our own freedom, our own joy. Savoring each moment frees us from distraction as well as fretting about the past and worrying about the future. Additionally, mindfulness creates a place in our hearts for acceptance and gratitude, and it gives us the ability to give someone we love our undivided attention.
Rita Watson is a relationship columnist for the Journal and PsychologyToday.com.
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Published in Providence Journal on 01 June 2014 / Copyright 2014 Rita Watson