This tells how my columns were conceived! But please read January 8 note on WORDS THAT HEAL.
Decision Making Tips for Today:– Remain calm. Look at both points of view. Think of the words from Deepak Chopra: “Today I will judge nothing that occurs.”
11:11 AM EDT on Monday, August 20, 2007 Providence Journal
Overdrive in the passive-aggressive lane
by Rita Watson
THE DISCUSSION was animated. Men. Sex. Cars. Relationships. Yet when I announced that I wanted to be the “Sex in the City for Men Only” columnist, right after our Bill and Monica debate, silence slammed into me. Finally the dear professor quizzed: “What do you know about the subject?”
I calmly recounted that I’ve raised sons, spent years as one of the guys at The New York Times, plus 10 years in psychology and psychiatry at Yale. But I also realized that I can write about the subject because I can talk about it. Growing up in a working world of men, we talked often about relationships, generally after I made an analogy between cars and sex — without blushing. The next day, I would receive a phone call inviting me to lunch.
We would begin with complaints about editors and deadlines. Then across the table I would see a slight turn of the head, clenched jaw, and hunched shoulders. He might even loosen his tie. Finally a lowered voice would say, “We are having this problem. . . .” Somehow, we could talk freely until we came too close to the real issue — sexual needs versus understanding. Then it was back to wishing for the luxury that eluded us in Manhattan, owning a car.
Cars are a safe subject. Men will spend as many hours looking at car ads as women will spend reading “What Men Really Want in Bed.” Even magazines for men now tout “What Women Really Want in Bed.” Men may skim them but don’t take the messages seriously because there is little substance to the broad strokes of “He Wants, She Wants.” Car writers get right down to the details.
For the adventuresome there are sports cars: from the Infiniti G37 at $35,000 to the Mercedes CLK63 Black Series at about $75,000. For a fantasy, there is the 2008 Ferrari F430 Scuderia at $220,000. Family men have choices ranging from the Chevy HHR to the heavy Scion XB wagon.
Whether or not a man plans to buy a new car is irrelevant. The articles cover specifics. A man knows that what he reads, sees, test drives, and eventually buys is what he gets. When something goes wrong, he has the repair manual and a maintenance schedule.
Relationships are not that clear-cut. Men so often say, “After we were married, something changed, mostly our sex life.” I would like to believe that as women we are not leopards changing our spots. Yet even Boston Legal featured Denny Crane learning that his fifth wife was planning on retiring him to Hawaii minutes after saying, “I do.”
It would be ideal if the sexes could talk about expectations and perceptions. But it doesn’t happen that way. Perhaps men are just “wired” differently than women. When a man comes home from work, a woman may ask with sincerity, “How was your day?” But he doesn’t want to talk about it. Many women in offices are disillusioned with the workforce. Yet, they bring the office home with them and want to talk about conflicts, confrontations, and demands.
Chances are he doesn’t want to hear about it, at least not immediately. Then the accusation comes at him: “You never talk to me.”
As we shift into a 24/7 Blackberry, laptop and two-paycheck society, there are too many couples on overdrive moving into the passive-aggressive or snipe-at-each-other lane.
When a car shows signs of stress, or needs a tune-up, men handle it immediately. There is a problem and men fix it. In a relationship, who is responsible for the tune up? Perhaps women should take the lead. Although men today are more involved in parenting and family than our fathers were, women have that sixth sense. Research at Yale indicates that women have so keen an intuition that they sense a relationship problem at its inception.
If men and women could develop their intuitive skills and interpret the silences, downcast eyes, uncomfortable moments and body language, perhaps more relationships could be saved. Or should women be using their gift to cultivate non-judgmental spaces within the home? In an atmosphere with no hidden agendas, just simple clarity, both parties would benefit.
When home is a sanctuary, men might find saying, “Can we talk?” is as easy as test driving a car.
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(For a complete listing with links, please go to: RELATIONSHIP COLUMNS: PROJO)