As many of you may have noticed on Google Trends, the online version of the Providence Journal was down on Friday and some of the week-end pages are still missing. However, those who receive a hard copy of the newspaper may have seen the above article. It appeared in print in its usual spot on the Sunday Commentary pages, August 2, 2009. I am reprinting it here exactly as it was sent to me by our editor before is was published. If the newspaper does publish the missing pages, I will happily direct you. Many thanks/ R
Maybe ‘friendship marriages’ work best
RITA WATSON
WE OFTEN HEAR talk about finding Mr. Right. When we fall in love, we want to believe that we were each touched by the same star, and we have found “the one.”
In a lecture called “Loving Relationships,” the late Leo Buscaglia says: “We wait for the right person to come along. And we say ‘When they come along we’ll live happily ever after.’ And you’re waiting for the right person. I guarantee you will wait forever. Where’s this right person? You know there is no right person. We become the right person.” He is the author of Love, written in 1972, but still read today.
We are told that there are two powerful magnets for attracting “the one” — laughter and friendship. Men like women who laugh at their jokes and women prefer men who make them laugh. And women rate funny guys as more intelligent than guys who are not so funny. This research was presented in April at the British Psychological Society’s Annual Conference, in Brighton, England.
Author Kristen Houghton tells me of a new concept called the friendship marriage, which she says are the best marriages. “I believe that friendship marriages last longer through the many stages of marriage, the highs and the lows. A friendship marriage is the joining together of two people who have successful careers, independent lives, strong companionship, and a sense of self. They are already fulfilled in their lives, and for them, marriage is the icing on the cake.” Her newest book, “And Then I’ll Be Happy!” is slated for release in December.
Is the perfect husband, then, a mix of love, laughter and friendship? Since he must be perfect – isn’t that right? — my list also includes devotion, integrity, generosity, honesty and selfless loving. To visualize someone who exemplifies these traits, try this. Put a face next to a trait. An example of devotion is movie star Pierce Brosnan, a man of commitment to his first wife, who was 12 years older. After her sad death, Brosnan, who most famously played James Bond, who could have instantly married any number of women, waited until he found love again with the environmental journalist and actress Keely Shaye Smith.
Here are some others: Integrity, Tim Russert: Even his rivals loved him. Regardless of his own opinions, he conveyed respect. Generosity, Tyler Perry: This month he is treating 65 day campers ejected from the Philadelphia-area Valley Swim Club to Disney World and a Disney water park. Honesty, Harry Markopolos: The hero who blew the whistle on swindler Bernard Madoff pursued honesty for 10 years, but the Securities and Exchange Commission did not listen.
For selfless loving, it is Prof. Randy Pausch, who taught entertainment technology at Carnegie Mellon University. He inspired students to design, create and soar within the world of virtual reality. Knowing that he would not survive pancreatic cancer, at his last lecture he demonstrated the spell-binding legacy he left for his wife, his children and the rest of us.
In answer to the question: Who is “the one,” the perfect husband? He is a man of quality, values and respect. And the perfect wife? She is a woman who brings out the best in her man.
As Web site dating proliferates finding the perfect love may be getting easier. Kelly Hildebrandt was searching Facebook for someone with her name. She discovered not another young woman, but rather a young man. The two met, dated and are making plans for an October wedding.
But other researches believe that Mr. Right is just around the corner, simply overlooked as marriage material.
In terms of marriage the probability of first marriage by the age of 30 is 74 percent for women and 61 percent for men. By 40, the probability is 86 percent for women and 81 percent for men, says a new report from the National Survey of Family Growth (National Center for Health Statistics) which involved about 5,000 males and 7,600 females between 15 and 44.
So if you do find “the one” and are looking for the secret to a happy marriage, just ask those who make it past 30 years together. Their answers are pretty much the same: Speak kindly to each other; laugh often, see the cup as half full instead of half empty, and be willing to forgive.
Rita Watson is a monthly contributor and the editor of www.ritawatson.com and GreenLegals.com
COMMENTS:
Please go to my piece at the Examiner where you will also see a link to Kristen’s story about The Friendship Marriage.: It’s all a dance: real JK marriage and spoof divorce (videos)
Also here is a link to Kristen Houghton’s book “And Then I’ll Be Happy!”
Happiness/ R
Copyright 2009 Rita Watson