Today was a snow day. People were frustrated. And couples were arguing. So it time to repeat once again, words that I say often: “Be kind to everyone whom you meet. . . ” .. and be especially kind to your husband, wife, lover, children, and family.
To encourage intimacy, try kind words. Sometimes that means turning the other cheek, or speaking a word of praise even if you are angry. The power of forgiveness is expansive and gratitude reaps rewards.
The saying, “Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle” comes from a philosopher in 400 BC — attributed to Plato although I heard recently that was a mistaken attribution. Nonetheless the words continue:
- Live simply.
- Love generously.
- Care deeply.
- Speak kindly.
- Leave the rest to God.
- Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. . . .
- Life is about learning to dance in the rain.
Arguments: During times of holiday stress, arguments happen usually because two people have two different needs, wants, or opinions. Instead of negotiating, talking, or compromising – prior to a full blown argument there will be little “digs” and then a bit of sarcasm, door slamming, and then the explosion.
I cannot say it often enough the words, “How many times have I told you?” or its partner in crime, “Why do I have to keep repeating myself?” — do not work!
How to argue fairly: Here is some advice on how to resolve conflicts. If you seem to be in the relationship hell of hidden agendas or serious conflicts most of the time, here are some rules from Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s “Oprah & Friends” XM Radio Show: Argue Fairly
Negotiating Session: Here is a suggestion on how couples can learn to talk to each other from Dr. Paula Hall for the BBC:
- Each partner gets 30 minutes to talk. (Or 20 minutes if one feels time pressured)
- The other partner gives undivided attention
- After the hour is up, both walk away and do something else
- Do not analyze the conversation
- Agree not to talk about it for at least 48 hours
If you find the exercise useful, set a regular date taking it in turns as to whom will talk first. Communications
Laugh away the anger: While the root of a conflict is never a laughing matter, it is really important for two people to get over the anger that generated the conflict in the first place. It is helpful if each of you remembers something about the other person that generates laughter — even silliness.
I know of one gentlemen who, after an argument with his wife, will appear at the bedroom door with a Groucho Marx mask – or whatever he can find from his bag of tricks — knock on the door and say, “Special delivery! — I hear you are hoping mad at your hubby so how about some hot sex with me?”
It’s enough to get them both laughing again.
Copyright 2008 Rita Watson