I so often hear from men and women looking for love, but once they find it something goes wrong. Words become swords instead of roses. Here is an updated column that looks at creative loving, deal-breakers, and word power.
When Sex and Gratitude Trumps the King
IF ALOVEMATCH.COM merged with aNewCar.com would relationships have a longer shelf life? With fall in the air, more invitations to join a Man-of-the-Month club arrive at my door than enhancement ads that clutter up the nation’s e-mail. Whatever happened to serendipity or friends introducing friends?
Friends are either helping the divorce rate hover at 50 percent or e-mailing let’s-get-together-times without getting together. I remember when friends dropped by spontaneously to share a glass of wine, laughter and exchange stories about creative ways to thwart a blow up. We are still amused when thinking about the chess widow.
Surprising sex: “Once he gets started, I’m invisible. The other night, I surprised him. I slipped into the den wearing nothing more than a trench coat and whispered into his ear. Then I smiled sweetly at his puzzled partner and said, ‘Sex trumps the King.’ By morning my husband was grinning gratefully.”
Her humor contradicts a new Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine report suggesting that wives, though not necessarily husbands, should “speak out” during marital disputes or risk a heart attack. Perhaps the quiet men are rewarded with a protective benefit, sex twice a week. A 10-year South Wales comparison study reported 50 percent lower mortality risk in men with “high orgasmic frequency.”
Online sex: This may be good news for online daters. Of 40 million Americans going to match services, 30 percent of women engage in sex on a first date, according to the recent Sexuality Research and Social Policy report. I know of five couples who married their online match. But for another twosome, serendipity intervened. “When I met my wife, we were Baby Boomers at an Ivy League graduate program. She was using one of those high-end dating services. I didn’t fit her stuffy doc profile. I kept telling her, ‘I’m younger than you are and more fun than these older guys.’ So I kept asking her out until she married me.”
The experience of this couple, who are complementary opposites, underscores the “perception versus reality” problem. We seldom see ourselves as others see us. Perhaps online daters and even committed couples, who wish to enhance each others virtues, might try the profile exchange. If you write a short profile of yourself and add five positive qualities and five negative traits, then ask a friend to write an honest profile as he or she sees you, would your “perceived-self” recognize your “real-self”?
Sometimes misperception stands in the way of a love match and relationships keep ending sadly. Yale’s Robert J. Sternberg, Ph.D., suggests rewriting your love story and finding someone with a comparable dream. A serious love scenario, in which “lifelong” is a priority, will foster youthful, healthy aging.
Potential partner specs: It is as important to think about desirable attributes in a potential partner as it is to gather specifics regarding a new car: style, acceleration, performance, horsepower, safety and dependability.
The deal-breakers in relationships: Couples who once did share the story of devoted lovers and friends often hit rocky places. Nagging, thoughtlessness, unkind words, and passive-aggressiveness become tripping points. An exercise in gratitude is a simple solution. Thinking of the endearing qualities that your partner possesses, even if these seem to be hiding, and expressing gratitude for them, will spark a change in your attitude and your partner’s reactions.
Skeptical of word power? Sound-bites change voter opinion — this past week, “CHANGE” helped bring us a new president.
Sound-bites influence juries. Remember the glove? “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”
Showing gratitude instead of criticizing: Whisper a “thank you,” each morning for your spouse or lover and replay in your head his or her positive qualities.
Instead of saying, “You never listen to me or do what you are supposed to do” or the deal-breaker, “How many times have I told you,” why not compliment instead?
Just silent appreciation based on the principle of subliminal word thought, can create renewed respect, and peacefulness. When it comes to intimacy, passion and joy as lifelong goals, these require sprucing up day by day. A kind word goes a long way.
Updated and adapted from Providence Journal article of November 2007 — Here is the link to Robert Sternberg’s work.
Write Your Own Love Story of Romance and Spicy Sex
Copyright 2008 Rita Watson