Words are powerful as we have come to see. Our words can help or they can hinder. Loving words can heal, unkind words can harm. While this initial story is about a child, you will see how easily it folds into the adult story.
I remember once that at a local school a little girl had forgotten to bring a gift on Secret Santa Day. I still feel sad imagining her alone, watching other children open presents. For her, there was no present — just hurt and perhaps anger.
Why? The teacher essentially said, “No present, no party.” This was the same teacher who said, “How many times have I told you not to forget your present?”
This teacher was also a “Don’t Forget” person. Researchers are beginning to find that the word “Don’t” goes unheard because there is no visual counterpart.
(And yes, parents were up in arms that the teacher did not have some little gift in her desk to spare the feelings of that child. She could have helped her through both embarrassment and sadness.)
As a person who believes in gratitude, I can say that this was a difficult situation to suggest finding a way to the words “thank you.”
Positive ways to bring about change
The moral of the story? The words “How many times have I told you not to do that?” do not work!
In “The Neuroscience of Leadership,” by David Rock and Jeffrey Schwartz has affirmed that the negative is simply negative.
They talked about positive ways to bring about change: “Leave problem behaviors in the past; focus on identifying and creating new behaviors.”
First try gratitude then solution-focused questioning
In any difficult situation it does often help to say, “I am grateful for…. but we seem to have a problem that I think we can solve.”
Next essentially ask thoughtful questions, rather than dictating advice. It is called solution-focused questioning. Give someone room to see the problem from your perspective and work on a solution.
- How can we fix this so it doesn’t happen again?
- What do you think we should do about this issue?
- Have you experienced this situation at the office?
It won’t hurt to add, “Thank you — I think we can work this out.”
As the old saying goes: speak kindly always. We never really know the hurt that someone carries in his or her heart.
Copyright 2010 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved