Love and social media: It's complicated, Projo

There was once a time when we dated and mated within a familiar social circle. People relied on family and friends to introduce them to a potential partner. Then the world of social media came upon us. Those suspicious of online matchmaking found a friendlier atmosphere on Facebook as a way to romance. But life on Facebook has its downside. Last month its happiness study came under fire for being unethical, and articles about how the site could make us sad began to resurface. Researchers have determined that excessive time on Facebook might trigger snooping, jealousy, cheating and even divorce.

The Journal of Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking explained last year that the more often one party in a relationship uses Facebook, the more they also monitor their partner’s behavior. This opens the door for the green-eyed monster. So if you interpret your partner’s Facebook friends as flirting, you might begin flirting as well.

 Most say it’s harmless. But it’s not. What tends to happen is that flirting and jealousy can easily slide into emotional infidelity, the slippery slope that leads to intimacy with a relationship intruder.

The snooping problem was reported in “Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners” from the Interactive Media Institute in San Diego. With more than 900 million people worldwide actively using the site, reports say that at least one-third are checking out what their former romantic partners are up to. This can undermine the healing ability of broken-hearted lovers, keeping them from moving on. And it also may fuel jealousy.

If you think a spouse or lover is cheating you are probably right; intuition is powerful. However, you might be wrong, as sometimes a behavior change indicates a person in the throes of depression.

Bottom line is this — never stoop to snoop. It puts you on the same level as the person whom you think is cheating, since you are both sneaking around.

For someone suspicious of a spouse or lover, instead of stooping to snoop, take the risk of talking — quietly, rationally, and thoughtfully. Explain that you feel as if there is a problem and ask what the two of you might do to work together towards a solution.

With any relationship in a rocky place you have options with forgiveness and facts. If you are forgiving, you might choose to stay in the relationship with integrity. Or with the facts, even if these prove to be devastating, you can work to repair the relationship or leave with dignity.

With any relationship quandary, when you are seeking a solution, instead of relying on social media, consider the value of a face-to-face meeting. Looking into someone’s eyes and talking is a method that has worked for centuries.

Rita Watson is a relationship columnist for “All About You” and PsychologyToday.com.

Rita  Watson: Love and social media is a …