The love myth, the one that tells us without love, without a relationship, we are not whole — is a true danger. It is poisonous because when we are connected to an unhealthy relationship, we end up disconnecting from ourselves. Ironically deep in our hearts each and everyone of us knows when we are lying for love.
Men seem to able to shut down when it is for self-preservation, but oftentimes they are more likely to hold onto a relationship that isn’t really right for them because of their protective nature. I know — as women we often say that men are the ones we need to be protected from — and we know that’s not true.
When we are lying for love, we know it. When we lie to ourselves about love, we find ourselves walking a tightrope between the truth that we do not want to face and that set of emotions from the dark side — anger, venomous words, and revenge.
Let’s talk about anger for a moment. When a woman says, “I’m really angry, ” Does she mean it? Listen to the sound of her voice. She may be hurt. She may be sad. But oftentimes a woman’s anger is saying, “I want you to fix this. I want you to make this better.” And I think, at least from what men have told me, that when they reach the boiling point, or before, with their anger, they shut down or leave. Women tend to stay and fight on.
Listen to what anger is really telling you. Perhaps it is saying, “I want this relationship and if I have to be angry to get your attention, then that’s what I will do.” Or it may be the anger of saying, “I’m really wanting to get out, but I don’t have the courage and I want you to be the one who leaves.”
Love may be masked as anger. What is key here is to trust your instincts by listening. Admit the truth about the relationship before becoming consumed by a love lie. If a relationship isn’t working, find out what is wrong and fix it. Ask yourself how you can change things. And if not, then do you really want to keep pretending?
When a lie simmers for too long inside of us, we begin to hurt and hate with the same passion with which we once loved.
Love has its risks. Love exposes our vulnerabilites. But the upside as Leo Buscaglia once said, “Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life.” If you make a mistake in love, forgive yourself and go on loving, don’t retreat. With you in hiding, so many will miss your wonderful gifts.
Copyright 2008 Dictionary of Love and Danger: for Men Only by Rita Watson, an FEV publication