Lisa Brookes Kift is a Marriage and Family Therapist whom I interviewed for a special article on marriage tips. The author of The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples and The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples (Therapy-At-Home Workbooks®), she is also the creator of LoveAndLifeToolbox.com, providing tools for marriage, relationship and emotional health. It is one of the first therapist created online resources for the public of it’s kind.
Here is an interview in which she explains some of the challenges that couples face.
Q: What is The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples?
A: The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples is a cost-effective, therapist guided, do-it-yourself alternative to marriage counseling for couples who feel disconnected – and want to strengthen their relationship foundation. It’s based on my premarital work with couples – as well as addresses common marriage problems seen in my therapy practice.The workbook provides an opportunity for you and your spouse to benefit from learning the basics of strong, connected marriages – which you can implement together no matter how long you’ve already been married!
Q: What is the key question that couples must explore?
A: Some of the key areas addressed are communication, emotional safety, relationship balance, family of origin issues and marriage logistics. There are assessments and exercises that address all of these areas, to not only help each spouse understand how they’re feeling – but how the other is feeling – to make positive changes for the sake of the marriage moving forward.
Q: How do you advise couples to strengthen communication skills?
A: I encourage couples to slow down the whole communication process, to be more aware of listening, understanding, validating and providing empathy where needed. Often times people make incorrect assumptions about what the other means and if these go unchecked, conflict can result and resentment can build. Getting to the root of feelings and unmet needs underneath the words can also be very helpful.
Q: How do you define emotional safety?
A: I view emotional safety in terms of how much each person feels respect, trust, prioritized, heard, understood, validated, empathy and love from the other. The goal is for both partners to feel secure being vulnerable with each other, for both partners to know they have each other’s backs. There is an exercise in the workbook where each partner will learn how “emotionally safe” the other feels – which is an opportunity for discussion and improvement.
Q: What is most important in defining relationship balance?
A: If you draw two overlapping circles, the center being the “we” of the relationship and the outer sides being the “you” and “me,” you can begin to visualize what I’m talking about. In my experience, most couples thrive when there’s adequate attention paid to all three of these aspects. A happy person individually makes for a happy person in a relationship.
Q: How do problem behaviors originate?
A: We learn how to “be” in our families of origin. People who felt secure, safe and encouraged by their parents/primary caregivers typically have a more positive outlook on self, relationships and the world. Those who experienced chaos, uncertainty, criticism, abandonment ,etc – can often have underlying assumptions that can skew to the negative. For example, they might carry the belief, “Relationships can’t be trusted” – and this fear and uncertainty can show up in their intimate adult relationships. There’s a worksheet in the workbook that explores unmet needs, if they existed, in childhood – and how they might come up in the marriage.
Q: How do couples explore marriage roles?
A: For married couples, they probably have been operating in a certain way, as far as roles and expectations are concerned, for some time. The question to be explored is whether this is working for both spouses. Sometimes resentment can build by one or both for a perceived unfairness in their marriage logistics. It’s useful to revisit that occasionally.
Q: How do couples develop goals and vision?
A: It’s a matter of talking about where they see things in the future as individuals, for the marriage and the family. I have a few exercises in the workbook that looks at this.
Q: You talk about common marriage problems, what are they?
A: The most common problems I see coming up in my couples therapy practice revolve around resentment build-up, sexual intimacy and infidelity. What couples need to understand is that resentment, or unprocessed negative emotions towards the spouse, can often be at the root of the other two. It’s so important to clear out the garbage of “resentment” and that comes from good communication and check-ins. For those who are struggling with intimacy problems or infidelity, I briefly cover ways to work through those problems – but keep in mind sometimes sitting down in front of a couples therapist is the best course of action considering the complicated nature of those issues. My aim is to provide food for thought and tips to get couples started on that path.
These questions and answers are provided by Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT and author of The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples. The design is an interactive format with worksheets and a space for couples to journal thoughts and ideas making it a great keepsake for you and your spouse.
For more information about Lisa, for more tips and tools about marriage, relationship and emotional health, and to read links to her articles and interviews ranging from CNN to Huffington Post and Fox News, please visit: http://lisakifttherapy.com/
Copyright 2011 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved