Understanding key to peace with ADHD in the family
Rita Watson/ Providence Journal/ THRIVE/ December 5, 2011
Marriage and family harmony advice is in the news, and it is coming from an unusual source — experts in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Through their struggles to find balance in their own lives they came to commonsense solutions that can be beneficial to all of us: liberal doses of love, watching our words and working together.
When I talked with Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Katherine Ellison about her greatest challenge, she surprised me. It was not being chased by killer bees, but rather trying to figure out how to keep peace in her family with a son who had ADHD. Family dynamics became so strained in the love, gratitude and exasperation cycle that she was compelled to create a plan with her son and write “Buzz: A Year of Paying Attention.”
Dr. Edward M. Hallowell, author of “Married to Distraction,” recently appeared on the Dr. Oz show. He says that he and his wife are on “a life’s mission” to encourage others to bring harmony into their lives.
What both experts convey is the need for patience, common sense and kindness.
Katherine Ellison’s secrets for coping with an ADHD child can work for all of today’s super moms.
• Be grateful that you have in your life a child who is a true charmer — at least some of the time.
• Learn to focus on the positive qualities of an ADHD child, especially since they receive so much negative input from the rest of the world.
• Pay close attention to how much stress you are under, and find ways of relieving it, whether through exercise, hanging out with women friends, or HBO.
With an ADHD spouse, Hallowell said he believes diagnoses of ADHD actually saves marriages because you suddenly realize that the other person has a condition that keeps them from being the dream husband or wife. He also talked about the blame game and the words that are so hurtful:
• When will you ever learn?
• Why don’t you ever listen?
• Why can’t you watch what you are doing?
• How many times do I have to tell you?
“These words make the problem worse,” he said. Rather than anger, Hallowell suggests saying: “Your brain is wired differently. I know you want to be a responsible husband and father and it frustrates both of us. How can we work together so that we can rediscover the flame and the passion?”
The bottom line is this — unconditional love reaps rewards. As the holidays approach and families become caught up in agendas, stepping back and extending a bit of extra patience and gentleness can bring each of us a restorative sense of calm.
Rita Watson, MPH, is a medical writer and relationship columnist for the Providence Journal.