Just learn how to live with him (How can you train a man?)
The Providence Journal, April 22, 2012
Rita Watson
How do you change a man? It is almost impossible. But I did begin wondering about the role of perception, stress and change with regard to men after reading the American Psychological Association’s annual Stress in America survey. The report noted that even though we are still stressed, we have learned to live with it.
If we can change our view of stress, perhaps we can change our perception of the man who leaves muddy footprints on our off-white carpet. Or who promises to call if he is going to be late, but forgets. And what about the guy who flirts with other women while you two are out having dinner? Or the disloyal lover?
Why would anyone bother trying to change these men rather than giving them the boot? I see. You fell in love with one, or worse, you married him.
Readers often write me to say that they are sure their man has a heart of gold, however, he was so hurt by his first wife that he is now phobic about calling, committing, giving gifts, helping in the kitchen, remembering birthdays, trusting or picking up his towels from the bathroom floor.
Step back for a moment. Are you happy with your man? If not, you have three choices:
Leave him. Retrain him. Accept him and change your perception.
Leave him. Tossing the guy out is easier said than done in this economic downturn — consider options two and three.
Retrain him. Do not be fooled by the words, “If you can train a seal, you can train a man.” Seals learn to balance a ball at the end of their noses because when they do so, the animals are tossed a fish — over and over again. If you take this route, you will need patience. What is the fish in your man’s life? Home-cooked dinners? Good sex? Being kinder to his mother? Encouraging him to go out with the guys? Find it and work with it.
Accept him and change your perception. Nagging will do nothing for him and it will raise your anxiety level. Change your perception. See your man in a more positive light. Speak kindly. Create a place in your home where you can air your differences — one at time. Start small, the wet towels on the bathroom floor. Just do not fixate on the bathroom. You want him to start bringing you flowers, not plug-in air freshener.
And most especially, try listening to his point of view. You will both feel less stressed, more respectful, and if you can each playfully acknowledge your frustration with the other, you might be able to share a good laugh, some tender loving and a peaceful night’s sleep.
Adapted from my Psychology Today article: Change Your Perception, Not Your Man
Rita Watson, an incurable romantic, is our relationship columnist and regular Journal contributor whose web address is ritawatson.com