Here is an article that appeared Sunday in the Providence Journal and World News Network
Rita Watson: Infidelity, meet sex addiction
High-profile infidelity revelations make us wonder if we are witnessing an epidemic. While infidelity has become ho-hum among politicians, sports figures and Tinseltown couples, we gasped when Jeffrey Toobin of CNN and The New Yorker was accused of non-payment of support for his alleged love-child. While still reeling from the Tiger Woods scandal, at least something positive emerged: An estimated 14 million Americans (one in 17) said to be affected by sexual addiction heard a celebrity addressing their own plight.
Sex therapist Dr. Aline Zoldbrod says, “The road back from sexual addiction is positively grueling. Unlike an alcoholic who may never again be able to touch a drink, the goal for someone sexually addicted is not to stop being sexual forever but rather to learn how to be intimate sexually with a trusted person.”
Certified sex therapist and diplomate of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, the American Board of Sexology and formerly the Lahey Clinic, she wrote “SexSmart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What to Do About It,” and has a Boston-based practice.
Dr. Zoldbrod added, “When treatment begins, there is often a period of complete sexual abstinence with the focus of self-searching and learning about the underlying issues which drive the sexual addiction.
“For some of my patients in relationships with a person whom they love, stopping the compulsive behavior (affairs, call girls and pornography) is much easier than being able to get excited about having partnered sex with someone whom they truly love. Their goal is learning or relearning to connect sexuality with emotional intimacy,” she said.
In America we are obsessed with “my one and only.” Have we forgotten a book of 10 years ago, still supported by research, “The Myth of Monogamy” by David Barash, Ph.D., a University of Washington zoologist and psychology professor, and his wife, psychiatrist Judith Lipton? They discovered that many animals previously believed to be monogamous are not. For example, sad to say, swans do not mate for life. In fact, in most human cultures monogamy is not even an expectation.
How many spouses really do cheat? The most consistent source is the General Social Survey, a nationally representative sample of 300-400 neighborhoods across America conducted by the National Opinion Research Center (NORC), at the University of Chicago.
Based on a November 2009 report, they noted that since 1988 they have asked, “Have you ever had sex with someone other than your spouse while married?” Some 15 to 18 percent said yes.
“Have you had sex with someone other than your spouse while married during the last 12 months?” Just 3 to 4 percent answered yes.
Two problems affect data for infidelity statistics — self-selection of those who want to confess, and those who lie about it. Tom W. Smith, Ph.D, director of the Society and Culture section, said: “We do face-to-face interviews. However, when we come to the section on sexual behavior, the computer screen is turned around and faces only the respondent, to improve forthrightness.”
To determine exact cheating numbers, one multiplies the percentage by households nationwide. But Dr. Smith emphasized, “One person may cheat only once in 20 years, while another may cheat every year for 20 years. Exact figures are difficult to ascertain.” NORC surveys about 2,000 people a year and has interviewed over 15,000 since 1988.
Why does infidelity happen in the first place? It may have more to do with emotional dissatisfaction within a marriage than the desire for hot sex. Many reasons complicate the infidelity triangle.
I talked with Michele Weiner-Davis, author of “Divorce-Busting: How to Make Your Marriage Loving Again,” who won the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy’s Outstanding Contribution to the Field of Marriage and Therapy Award and Smart Marriages’ Impact Award. Head of Divorcebusting.com, she says, “It is important to know that no matter how bleak things might seem, it is possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. But it takes teamwork and commitment from spouses willing to work hard at getting their marriages back on track. Re-establishing trust and finding ways to manage overwhelming painful emotions are key to the healing process.”
Great-Aunt “Zia” had a diamond on each finger, gifts from her husband for each “comare.” When we asked Zia why she stayed with him, her eyes filled with tears, she clutched the enormous diamond brooch between her breasts and sighed, “Because he was the one — my one and only.”
Infidelity Fast Facts, Love: Oh, such lies to interviewers, yet cheating men just 5 percent, women 3
Copyright 2010 Rita Watson