Infidelity, essentially stories of husbands and wives cheating on their spouses, touched a lot of nerves this week.
There have been a number of comments posted since my Sunday Op-ed for the Providence Journal. From those who just emailed me rather than tell your stories on the blog, my heart breaks for you. But additionally the comments from “When Do You Walk Away from Infidelity?” are also something readers may wish to take a look at from this June 5th posting.
What’s it all about? Let me point out that much of the research points to a need that is more than sex — it is about a lack of understanding, a lack of communication, unkind words, or passive agressive behavior, the real relationship killer which happens when one or the other simply withdraws or walks.
Ferol, who is just back from his honeymoon talked about two issues that he will address next week: What happens when a woman says, “Why don’t you ever listen to me?” and “How many times have I told you?” He and Ricci have the perfect marriage.
The opposite sex: Also, it isn’t always an attraction to the opposite sex that is the infidelity culprit. Some readers have told me of the hurt they experienced when their spouses drifted off with someone of the same sex. Some men feel it was because they were too much like their spouses’s father, or they had an anger problem, or simply spent more time with sports than their wives. Others thought their wives really wanted to be married to a girlfriend. Some women said their husbands’ were just always more comfortable around men. It is hard to tell, but it is always difficult to accept because as one woman said, “I can compete with another woman, but how do I compete with another man?”
A practical perspective: Please understand, if the relationship is over — despite the pain and the hurt you might feel, simply know that he or she was not the right person for you.
Sometimes relationships end because a man or a woman has a fantasy love, and when he or she thinks they have found that person of their dreams, they jump in full steam ahead throwing caution to the wind, even if it can jeopardize their careers or families.
The wise saying: “How it begins is how it ends.” If it starts in deception, it will end in deception. If it starts hot and fiery, it will end with buring ashes.
Happiness from within: To those who are still hurting I am going to quote from Emmet Fox, a favorite of Annie Lamott, author of Bird by Bird. Release and let go. Say over and over, “I forgive you and I let you go. You and I are now both free to find our happiness elsewhere.”
Infidelity: red flags and relationship savers — as well as how to get over infidelity’s pain. The pain of a broken relationship cannot be taken lightly. But sometimes an old Tibetan rule works. “Each day be grateful for the joy you once shared with the person you loved. And holding onto that feeling, wish the person who hurt you well. And believe that such joy is possible again for you. Gratitude works miracles.
Copyright 2008 Rita Watson