It appears that certain themes define togetherness for men and women in relationships: love and romance, compassion and friendship, conflict and recovery. While both men and women believe in love, they show it in different ways. However, it seems that the best predictor of happily ever after may come from the way couples recover from conflict.
Researchers writing in the journal Psychological Science found that those who saw themselves as being secure as infants were more likely to recover from conflicts in their adult romantic relationships. Although we cannot change our past as infants, we can shape and control the present.
Just because a problem is solved and there appears to be an overt win-win, negative feelings can linger. As such, conflict recovery plays a critical role. And our behavior may be the ticket to success.
Love is a decision as much as a feeling. Those who give love receive love. Although research last summer presented in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin reported that men and women tend to show love differently, they are not really from Mars and Venus.
While there is togetherness in long-lasting marriages, it takes a bit of a dance to create a healthy, loving environment.
Through the work of two researchers, Elizabeth Schoenfeld at the University of Texas, Austin, and Steven Yap at Michigan State University, we learned that wives show love by being less antagonistic and curbing negativity. As for the men — their way of showing love included sharing activities together, helping with household chores, and initiating sex. However, the men — while helpful — were not anxious to take over chores. And women appeared to be less likely to initiate sex, letting their husbands take the lead.
A striking characteristic of the happily married came from women — they learned to watch their words. Words are powerful. Our words can help or they can hinder. They can heal or they can harm.
How we spend the next 60 seconds is our choice — it can be with joy and peace or anger and sadness. We can choose to fixate on a negative mood or flip the switch to a positive perspective.
Even those who appear to be deliriously in love find that passion eventually evolves into compassionate love, deep affection and connection, according to Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside. She points out in her newly released book, “The Myths of Happiness,” what we know intuitively: Happily ever after doesn’t just happen — it takes work, commitment, words of appreciation, and frequent doses of loving touch.
Copyright 2013 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved