Rita Watson: Holiday Expectations and Gratitude / Providence Journal, Nov. 27
Hidden agendas and unspoken wishes are like the emperor’s new clothes. If we pretend these do not exist, relationships become vulnerable and exposed. Talking and trusting takes courage. The holidays are a time when happiness, expectations, and gift wishes get so mixed up that many of us forget that both Chanukah and Christmas are religious celebrations.
Instead of celebrating the joy of the season too many people turn themselves into a package of nerves trying to accommodate a gift list that has become out of hand. Then for single women comes the even bigger expectation – the holiday diamond! Will he or won’t he propose? Inevitably expectations fall into two categories – gifts and relationships.
If gifts become your holiday crisis, talk about what you should spend and stay within your budget. Find ways to share the spirit by shopping locally or at non-for-profit museums.
The second holiday crisis is the relationship. Is yours going sideways instead of forward? Most women are afraid to clarify feelings at the holiday because it may mean no date on New Year’s Eve. But for others, having “the talk” gives clarity. Keep in mind that men generally cringe when women even remotely suggest the talk or have that look in their eyes that says, “We need to talk.” So be gentle and non-threatening.
If you are married and your relationship has hit a snag, talk in a loving way by giving yourselves the gift of a concerted effort to save your marriage. The most non-threatening talk that all couples should have is about gratitude. Try this exercise.
· Buy some beautiful stationery or two journals.
· Set aside a quiet time to be with your love.
· Play some romantic music.
· Light candles.
· Explain that sometimes life becomes so hectic that you forget to express gratitude and you would like to being now.
· Ask if the two of you can begin a gratitude list in which each of you writes three qualities in the other for which you are grateful. Then talk about them. Have you lost something in your relationship? Express it as a wish. For example, “I really miss our walks together. I will always be grateful for the time we spent holding hands walking along the beach. I wish to see us enjoy such moments again.”
Writing out gratitude and wishes gives a new dimension to relationships. When you complete the exercise, you will come to see that this simple experience creates a bit of serenity in a too hectic season. Further it is a means to share appreciation, connect meaningfully, and store up treasures in your heart.
Rita Watson, one of our Relationship columnists and a regular op-ed page contributor, is an author, mother and incurable romantic. You can reach her at www.ritawatson.com.