Happiness 101: worrying women, Matt Laurer, and happiness over hostility

Whether in love or marriage or just day to day living, we have a choice of happiness over hostility or anger. Recently the news has highlighted studies on “The Pursuit of Happiness” and most notably unhappiness in women.
According to a new CNN article, “These days it can feel like the age of anxiety is winning over the pursuit of happiness. An uncertain economy and the swine flu are just the tip of our worry iceberg. In fact, scientists say women are wired to worry — at least more so than men. In a recent Health magazine poll, 54 percent of women said they worry more than their spouse, with only 12 percent claiming their partner worries more than they do.”How to squash worry and grab more happiness
Along with anxiety and worry often comes anger, sniping, and unkind words that overcome our ability to be happy. However, here are three hints: Three things you can do today to increase happiness today from our West Palm Beach Marriage Examiner.
According to Discovery, “There is new software today that is able to track happiness through Facebook and Tweets.”Blogs, tweets help scientists measure happiness – Discovery.com …
Oftentimes I research the medical literature regarding happiness. In clearing my office the other day, I came across this transcript from The Today Show interview with Matt Lauer and me. It is as relevant today as it was then.
The happiness choice
Despite factors around us, when it comes to happiness over anger or worry or hostility, we have a choice. When I think about the number of couples who go to bed angry each night, I wonder what it would be like if they simply could press a button that would switch their disposition from hostility to happiness, from anger to understanding and forgiveness.
Transcript of my interview on the Today Show, Matt Lauer and me
LAUER: This morning, on our continuing series FOREVER YOUNG; A GUIDE TO LIFE AFTER 50. . . grumpy old men. They may be a hit at the box office, but being a curmudgeon—male or female as you grow older—is usually not much of a hit with your friends and family. And it’s even bad for your health, according to Rita Watson, a public health expert and associate fellow at Yale University’s Ezra Stiles College.
MATT LAUER: Rita, good to see you. Good morning.
RITA WATSON: Good morning.
LAUER: Before we get to the specific health consequences of being grumpy and angry all the time, how do you know if you’re on the road to being a curmudgeon?
WATSON: Well, friends begin to avoid you. People stop returning your phone calls. And you—internally, you begin to re-live events that made you angry in the past, and realize that people—you’re angry because people didn’t do things your way. So you begin telling everyone what to do and how to do it. And, of course, it’s your way.
LAUER: Let’s go through a couple of different scenarios here. And we can see—for people at home, especially—if they’re on the road to becoming a curmudgeon. And while we talk about the road, let’s say we’re driving, OK?
WATSON: Mm-hmm.
LAUER: And the person—We’re in the fast lane on the highway.
WATSON: OK. Alright.
LAUER: And the person ahead of us is going too slowly. What would be a good sign that you’re a curmudgeon in terms of your reaction to that?
WATSON: What would you do?
LAUER: I would—I would—like Maria, I would toot on my horn gently, and would say, “Would you please move out of my way,” before gesturing wildly. What—what would a curmudgeon do?
WATSON: Actually, what a curmudgeon might do—it’s not really what you do, it’s how you do it, and not what you say—it’s how you say it. So if—if the curmudgeon—in the research studies by Tom Hardy, at Duke University, he asked people those questions. And what you might say—“Oh, I’d pass them,” or “I guess I’d pass them,” or “I’d PASS them. I’m not going to get stuck behind some jerk who doesn’t know how to drive.”
LAUER: Or you jam on the horn, and scream as you’re going by, and you yell again as you pass the guy.
WATSON: You jam on the horn, you scream as you’re going by. Absolutely.
LAUER: Second scenario, what happens if someone shows up for an appointment late?
WASTON: Well, it depends again on your reaction. If you say to them, “Look, this is really unacceptable,” or “I can’t do this anymore, you’re always late,” or if you say, “Can’t you tell time? What’s the matter with you?” So again…
LAUER: So in other words, you’re looking for the overreactions to these situations.
WATSON: We’re looking for the overreactions or the subtle simmering, you know, the passive-aggressiveness.
LAUER: And if you’re in a grocery store, and the person is packing the bag in a way that you don’t find appropriate, if you grab the bag from them and start packing yourself and say, “Let me show you how to do this.”
WATSON: That’s right.
LAUER: So those are good signs that you’ve got a problem and you need to calm down.
WATSON: Those are good signs that you have a problem.
LAUER: What are the health consequences associated with this kind of overreaction and angry behavior?
WATSON: Well, not just overreaction, but also the cynical hostility. It’s heart attacks. Heart attacks—hostility predicts like gang busters in terms of heart attacks. And it also isolates you socially. And social isolation is another factor that pre—that contributes to heart disease and cancer.
LAUER: But I was always told that it’s better to let things out than simmer.
WATSON: That’s right.
LAUER: So if you pass the slow person on the road and scream for a second, it might actually release some of the tension.
WATSON: Again, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it and how you feel afterward. In other words, if you can say something, and let it go, then go on from there and turn into a more positive place. You’re—we’re looking for happiness. Happiness is a lot healthier than hostility.
SIGNS OF SUBTLE HOSTILITY [on-camera chart from RW research]

PEOPLE AVOID YOU
FRIENDS STOP CALLING
RE-LIVE EVENT

LAUER: Now let’s take a look at some of the things that people should remember to decide if they are a curmudgeon. Here’s the list that you have—people do begin to avoid you.
RITA WATSON: Mm-hmm.
LAUER: Second—friends stop returning your phone calls. And this is one that I have to admit I do. You re-live the events that make you angry. Why is that so bad?
WATSON: Because actually it’s a forgiveness problem. In many—in many ways, you need to learn to forgive, let go, and begin to look—to lighten up, to say, “Was it really that important?”
LAUER: Let’s switch over now to the things that you should do to become happier in life and—and eventually then live longer because of it.
WATSON: OK.
MOOD BOOSTERS [on-camera chart from RW article]

SPEND TIME WITH FRIENDS/FAMILY
MANAGE SUBTLE STRESS
LAUGH
CONTROL ANGER
EXERCISE
EMBRACE CHANGE

LAUER: First you say, spend more time with friends and family.
WATSON: Yes. This is what was in the NEW CHOICES* article I just wrote. Yes, because—again, for social—socialization, friendships keep you healthier, keep you happier.
LAUER: Second, manage the subtle stress. We all know that it’s hard to manage stress if you get in a car accident. What do you mean by subtle stress?
WATSON: Right. Those day-to-day events that really, really irk you. You know, the job that you don’t like, the driving to work every day on a road that’s always crowded. It’s the—it’s the stuff that’s difficult to have control over. Change that situation somehow.
LAUER: Laugh.
WATSON: All the time. Got to laugh. You want all the lines in your face to go up.
LAUER: Control your anger is probably an obvious one.
WATSON: Yes. Yes.
LAUER: The next is exercise, which we’ve heard is a good way to—to relieve stress.
WATSON: To relieve stress and tension, yes.
LAUER: And finally, embrace change. What do you mean by that?
WATSON: Change is very difficult. Change even for the better is hard for people. No one really wants to change. But one day you reach a point where you say to yourself, “You—you need to change, because it’s too painful not to.”
LAUER: And finally, the expression my folks always use with me—it just takes a lot less energy to be happy than it does to be angry.
WATSON: Absolutely. Your folks were right.
LAUER: Rita Watson, thanks very much. We appreciate it.
WATSON: Thanks. Thank you, Matt.
*NEW CHOICES magazine, a Reader’s Digest publication, June 1998 lead article, cover story: Feel Happier, Be Healthier
Transcript from The Today Show, WNBC-TV, July 15, 1998, page 171
I will be posting mood boosters this week as a follow-up to this column. In the interim, here are some happiness articles written by other Examiners and myself as well. Here are my earlier pieces:

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