In an ideal world, love and marriage should be romantic and glorious. But the world is not ideal and oftentimes, because of hidden agendas and unrealistic expectations, couple’s life turns into couple’s strife. For Alisa Bowman, when her fairytale became so unbearable, she consoled herself by planning her husband’s funeral, yes, that’s how much she wished him dead.
One last chance and love blossomed once again
A friend convinced Bowman that she should give her relationship one last try – and she did. She made a commitment to the marriage, talked about it with her husband, and with a final burst of devotion today they are the happily married couple that so many others dream about. To help other couples, she shared her story in detail in a new book called “Project: Happily Ever After: saving your marriage when the fairytale falters” published by Running Press this month.
In the wake of the holidays we all just celebrated and now with Valentine’s Day approaching, I talked with Alisa who offered some special tips.
Q. How do holidays and perceptions reinforce disappointments?
A. Holidays and special occasions can be times when happy couples come together and feel good about being together. For unhappy couples, however, the holidays are a painful reminder of just how miserable their marriages have become. When you are viewing the world through a lens of unhappiness, even minor disappointments can feel like huge, terminal issues.
For example, a wife in a happy marriage might open a gift from her husband and see that he’s gotten her a shirt that’s too small. She might find that endearing and think that he’s a lovable clueless dolt who tries very hard but just can’t quite get the sizing thing down.
A wife in an unhappy marriage, however, will view the exact same thing as yet another piece of evidence that she somehow accidentally married the wrong person.
Q. Is Valentine’s Day a big stressor is people’s lives?
A. Many people feel inadequate around the holidays – any holiday, and this inadequacy can easily lead to marital discord. For instance, we all know someone, somewhere who puts us all to shame. She writes a holiday letter that is deserving of a Pulitzer. In January she is already shopping for the perfect Valentine gift for her husband. She starts baking heart shaped cookies before anyone else gets to the bake shop to buy them.
Then her husband asks a simple question: “Are you baking cookies this year?” Because of her inadequate feelings she moves to an angry place rather than a simple answer place thinking:, “Doesn’t he appreciate me? Doesn’t he see how hard work? I will never be good enough for him!”
In reality, he might have just been asking a random question designed to make conversation, but she might take it as criticism if she’s feeling vulnerable about her holiday efforts. (And this works in reverse, too).
Q. What advice do you have for women with regard to the big stuff and the small stuff?
A. Work on the big stuff. When you find yourself seriously annoyed by the small stuff (she can’t wrap gifts correctly, he bought her the wrong size, she doesn’t compliment him on his light-stringing abilities), this is a sign that you’ve got big stuff that is probably going unaddressed. You might feel lonely. You might feel misunderstood. You might feel out of touch. You might feel as if your spouse just doesn’t listen.
Go back to that Christmas shirt two sizes too small. Chances are you are not necessarily mad about getting a shirt that’s not your size — you are mad about something bigger. If you address the bigger problem, the smaller stuff falls into place. Usually, for most long term marriages, the bigger problem is that the spouses have grown apart.
>>>Tip 1 — Create a connection routine, during which you check in, talk, and ensure that you each know each other as you once did.
Q. How do you handle your shortcomings?
A. Embrace your shortcomings. No one is perfect. So you didn’t make a Gingerbread house for Christmas and have no intention of adding little red shots to Valentine cookies. Big deal! Once you can laugh off your shortcomings, you’ll be less touchy about random comments about what you are and are not able to accomplish on a day to day basis.
>>> Tip 2 – Don’t try to do it all. Try instead of be more accepting of yourself as well as your spouse.
Q. Do you think spouses need to ask for help more often or should they be in tune enough to know what you need?
A. Absolutely. I always advise giving your spouse the gift of asking for his help. Many people don’t like to ask for help. They don’t want to do it partially because they think their spouse should be able to read their mind. They think, “If he really loved him, he would know better!”
What they don’t realize is this: your spouse might love you more than anything and still not know what you want. You really do need to clue him in. More important, your spouse probably wants to help you. It makes him feel needed and important to do so.
>>>Tip 3 — When feeling overwhelmed, instead of lashing out, or feeling angry, remember the four little words that can go a long way. They are, “Can you help me?”
Q. Should spouses share the trials and tribulations of their day with each other?
A. Always. You don’t want to do so in a complaining laundry list, but talk about the kind of annoyances that really did affect you. So you stood on line at the market for what seemed like ages while the woman ahead argued about a rain check on a $2 item. Tell your spouse all about it. The more you talk about the struggles and annoyances of your day, the closer you and your spouse become and the less stressed you will feel.
Q. How do you turn an angry relationship into a loving one?
A. I provide lots of advice in my book and on my website alisabowman.com. But in my book has a bonus section of 10 Steps to Happily Ever After. One special bit of advice that falls in line with your gratitude writing (Valentine Love 2011: defeat infidelity, choose gratitude news ) is called Learning to Romance Each Other.
>>>Tip 4 — Men respond to respect and gratitude. “See him. Compliment him. Touch him. Smile. Tell him, ‘Thank you.’”
The tips here should be practiced year round, but Valentine’s Day is a great time to begin to renew love.
Copyright 2011 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved