From the first moment of passion, when are absolutely convinced that we have found the love of our lives, we are in ecstacy. Then something happens — whether it is young love or older women and men in love.
Love begins to crumble. Men blame the women. Women blame the men. Younger women get angry. And older women become introspective.
Attracting opposites: But in reality it is not so much a matter of fault or blame, as it is a matter of misunderstanding. We have misinterpreted the notion that opposites attract. When men and women attract their complementary opposites, they bring out the best in each by respecting each other’s feminine and masculine qualities. And also their values.
However too many of us attract our opposing opposite — someone who on the surface seems to meet our needs — but whose value system or way of thinking so differs from ours that the relationship borders on being a fraud. When givers are attracted to receivers, it is the classic clash of opposing opposites attracting.
The caretakers: Givers are caretakers. They invest so much in the receiver’s happiness that they postpone their own happiness by creating the illusion that says, “she loves me or he loves me.”
Receivers are always ready to take all the goodness that caretakes are ready to give. The receivers might even make some gestures — might do some giving that gives themselves pleasure as well. Sex is a good example. But in terms of the profound sense of giving — one in which the love is so strong that one is willing to lose it for the sake of another’s happiness, that is not in the taker’s handbook.
When the well runs dry: Takers is a strong word. I don’t mean to say it is black and white. But those on the receiving end often bring less to the table than do the caretakers, the givers. And what happens is that in giving and giving and giving, one day the well of the giver runs dry. The love cup keeps on pouring out. But the receiver doesn’t replenish or restore with the same intensity or desire. And one day the receiver — accustomed to being filled — begins looking for the next giver in fact, may always be looking for the next giver because there is never enough to satisfy.
Nurturers: Why is it so easy for the receivers to find the givers? And why do givers see such allure in the receivers? Because the world is full of nurturers — mothers and fathers at heart who are always ready to kiss the wound and make it better, to enfold in their arms, and to love — because love is what both givers and takers ultimately wish. However the giver’s love may be the dream of happily ever after — whereas the receiver wishes for love that instantly gratifies.
A comment with regard to TMI came from “the professor.” He said, “I think the women who TMI are looking for the partner as caretaker. There are those of us who take care of others, and there are those who need to be cared for. . . . ounds like co-dependency, no? The ideal might be: 1) good, no, great sex and often, 2) great sex in different places and circumstances, 3) two individuals each of which has their own relatively successful career who like to share time (beyond sex) with the other because they learn from him/her, and just plain enjoy that person. It seems to me that the right one will still be the most interesting at the end of the day.” (April 13th comment)
At the end of the day — the Allure: I think many men might share the professor’s views. And so this is my take, from a woman’s perspective. Oftentimes the allure is a physical attraction. There is an ancient Oriental saying, “A relationship ends as it begins.” The allure of fast and furious means danger.
I believe at the end of the day, the right one will be the person who believes heart and soul in the giver. The person who derives more joy in giving than in receiving. The person whose actions speak more lovingly than words. The person who wakes up in the morning and says, “What can I do to enrich his life or her life today?” And then follows through feeling blessed for the priviledge.
# # # #
If you are wondering about the allure of Sex in the City, read on –it gets to the heart of the matter in the last two paragraphs Sex in the City Allure — where the fairy tale is always a glittering goal.
Copyright 2008 ritawatson (from The Dictionary of Love and Danger)