William Hurt Sledge, M.D., medical director of Yale-New Haven Psychiatric Hospital, says, “Some people are not divorcing because of economic issues – even though they wish they could.”
He explained to me that “as people who mean something to each other get stressed with this uncertain economy, they may become preoccupied inwardly, relatively inaccessible, irritable and unable be generous or generative. In other words, they get really grumpy and difficult. Nonetheless, the couple may stay together and make certain accommodating living arrangements.”
From the positive perspective, Dr. Sledge said: “On the other hand, during times of stress and a bad economy, some people reach out to each other and convey a sense that whatever awful things happen, they will endure with the good that they have.”
Reaching out is similar to practicing the gratitude concept espoused by Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis. He tells me: “Gratitude is an attitude, not a feeling that can be easily willed. Even if you are not satisfied with your life as it is today if you go through grateful motions, the emotion of gratitude should be triggered.”
Dr. Emmons added: “Attitude change often follows behavior change. By living the gratitude that we do not necessarily feel, we can begin to feel the gratitude that we live.”
Same can be said for love and forgiveness. Love is a decision. And forgiveness is a choice. We often think about love as that irrational euphoria of walking on air, Cinderella in her glass slippers dancing with the Prince. But fast-fire love, which some researchers liken to a split-second cocaine-like high, often has disappointing consequences. Whereas those who make the decision to love find it more satisfying.
Just ask Alisa Bowman who wrote: Project: Happily Ever After – saving your marriage when the fairytale falters. She told me that she was actually fantasizing about the funeral of her perfectly healthy husband until a friend convinced her to give the marriage one more try.
And one of my favorite people, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, suggests marriage counseling for those who want to save their marriage “despite the time, effort, and cost with no guarantee.” She tells me: “With a therapist’s guidance, couples can often find solutions.”
The foundation for a relationship bond is commitment, which can be daunting when one partner is bearing the weight. Can it be that those “happily ever after” stories have given us too many unreasonable expectations, such as having a spouse or lover who reads our minds?
Words still resonate from a PBS special “The Power of Myth” that I heard some years ago. The late Professor Joseph Campbell said of marriage, “through whatever trials or suffering, you remain true.”
To this Bill Moyers added: “In marriage, every day you love, and every day you forgive.”
If one adds an attitude of gratitude to the mix, it could well be the secret to lifelong love, a good night’s sleep, and happy memories.
Published on September 13, 2011 by Rita Watson in With Love and Gratitude
Copyright 2011 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved
Falling Out of Love, Divorce, and Infidelity: When The Rx Is Gratitude
Has the Prince Charming fantasy fueled unreasonable love expectations? This from my PsychologyToday.com blog.
Gratitude may be an infidelity and divorce stopper.
Lingering gratitude might well be the antidote for “falling out of love.” The syndrome generally means that “the fire has fizzled and the passion is over.” The problem is apparently so serious that it has toppled infidelity as the key reason for divorce in London according to a recent survey of family law attorneys.
In the United States one of the top reasons for divorce is the failure to communicate. And if your spouse or lover is spending more time talking to women on social media sites than to you, your relationship is in trouble. The other two reasons for divorce are infidelity and finances. Today economic uncertainty is putting a strain on marriages both here and in the United Kingdom. But divorce is not always the outcome.