Say what you want, please? Is it a baby? Is it sex? Is it a vacation? Don’t let him guess!
Thoughts from Me and from Oprah.com, me first.
Sexual Shutout in Hidden Agenda Hell
HIDDEDN AGENDAS are relationship hell that live in a cauldron of unspoken words and fiery outbursts. The good professor believes that women are masters of the veiled word and tells me, “You just can’t seem to say what you mean.” Men find themselves perplexed by hidden agendas and admit that when they can’t decipher the message – wives, girlfriends, or partners withhold affection.
One young man voiced an often repeated theme, the sexual shut-out. “Do you know why men try to pick up women at bars?” he asked, “Because our women have shut us down. Then if we happen to meet another woman, even for fun, we’re the bad guys!”
He added: “They force us out and want us to be celibate while we try to read their minds. I don’t want to read her mind. I want her to tell me. Show me. I said to her one day, ‘Take a look at this. It’s a car manual. See these symbols? Each one points to a problem. Pretend I’m a car. Show me what’s wrong. Make a list of what you want. I’ll try to fix it. But don’t keep telling me that ‘I don’t get it,’ because I don’t. What she doesn’t get is that we are both losing this battle.”
Social research confirms that men and women think differently. Dr. Myrna Weissman, a professor of psychiatry at Columbia, did research while at Yale on depression in women. She found that when marriage gets rocky, women seek counseling, whereas men wait until the marriage is over, and then wonder what happened.
In a society that flaunts sex on television, at the movies, and with car ads of sultry women – can hidden agendas account for our low sexual satisfaction rating? According to the recent Durex Survey, in terms of sexual pleasure and frequency, the United States ranks at 23 out of 26 nations. Although couples with hidden agendas may remain together, sometimes angry words erupt about an unrelated issue.
How often do women tease men in public about their expanding waistlines? They should realize that for every one insult hurled at a man three women are waiting to say, “Ooh, ooh, ooh, I just love your teddy bear tummy.”
At a dinner party, silverware jangled each time a husband spoke and his wife snapped: “How many times do I have to tell you, that’s not how it happened?” He said: “I don’t hear her anymore. I live an old philosophy: ‘Don’t take unkind words personally. They are not because of you. They are because of the one who utters them.'”
Both men and women with hidden agendas may be harboring contradictory wishes that they are afraid to share. She wants to be married. He doesn’t. She wants security. He wants sex. She wants to retire and garden. He wants to travel. She wants his money. He wants her companionship. Both say nothing and they play the game. When a hidden agenda masks a skeleton in the closet, it becomes complicated.
One man told us that a certain incident nearly ruined his marriage. “I vowed to keep this secret even from my wife and take it with me to the grave. Then before major surgery, I told my priest friend. When I finished my story, he said, ‘Is that all?’ I looked him in the eye and asked: ‘That’s not bad enough. You want more?’ We doubled over laughing, and I learned forgiveness.”
Hidden agendas are like the emperor’s new clothes. If we pretend they do not exist, as with the naked emperor, the relationship becomes vulnerable and exposed. Talking and trusting takes courage.
(from Relationship Columns, The Providence Journal)
from Oprah.com Say What You Want
Copyright 2008 Rita Watson