Choosing to put yourself first is choice for happiness

In the world of choices, women are pleasers. So often we say “Yes” when we really mean “No.” We get angry with ourselves, but rationalize the behavior saying, “It’s just easier to go along.” Is it really or is it learned behavior that we can unlearn?
Being a pleaser is a pattern that we were taught to follow as soon as we were able to walk and talk. Our mothers said we should look pretty and behave for daddy. But somehow, the pleasing pattern became a personality entrapment.
Here is a simple example. You plan to spend the night at home. A friend calls and coerces you into going to a movie. The movie is terrible. You get home late. The next day you find yourself walking in circles annoyed with yourself because you did not trust your instincts, which said, “Stay at home.”
Women have a terrific sixth sense that can be cultivated to at times please themselves instead of others. Here’s how.
Tip One: Whenever you find yourself pounding a table asking: “Why? Why? Why? did I say ‘yes’ when I really meant ‘no,’ ” write it down. Keep a list called My Table Pounding Whys and post it next to your phone, on your fridge , or on your bathroom mirror!
Tip Two: Learn to like the sound of “No, thank you.”
Tip Three: Practice saying, “I really need to get back to you,” when pressed for an answer. Take a few precious moments to think about what you really want to be doing and respond in a way that honestly reflects your feelings. Some typical Table Pounding Whys: Why did I spend so much? I really didn’t have the money. Why did I pick up the phone? I was already running late. Why did I agree to stay longer than I planned? I didn’t want to go in the first place. Why did I tell my boss, “No problem?” It’s a big problem and I am going to have to handle it. But take heart. Patterns can be changed as noted by a writing colleague, the Beltway Bachelor. Men face these situations even though boys were socialized more rigidly than girls. He explained that in D.C., law firms empty out into the same bars every Friday night.
“It wasn’t until one of the attorneys began describing in detail the history of his blue billed duck decoy collection that I knew I had to break this habit.”
Twenty decoy ducks later, the Beltway Bachelor left the bar while it was still light out, longing for the company of women and rethinking his aversion to commitment.
Rita Watson is The Journal’s roving Relationship Correspondent.