Marriages can be saved after infidelity – while it always takes forgiveness, for some women it means diamonds and furs.
As a society we seem to have lost our vision of marriage as commitment. In a new book by Susan Squire, she presents a different view of marriage called, “I Don’t: A Contrarian History of Marriage.” She points out that the institution of marriage is essentially rooted in various beliefs vascillating from courtly love to Christian sanctity from procreation to deception. I Don’t: A Contrarian History of Marriage
It’s the deception part that gets us into trouble because it turns into infidelity. Since we are no longer a society of wives and concubines our aspirations to perfecting the sacredness of marriage fall short.
As a society our dream of happily ever after has been evolving into happily after the hefty divorce settlement or happily after each marriage or until one of us is caught cheating.
The guilt gift: In certain Boston circles there is a high-priced jeweler, let’s day in the Newbury Street neighborhood. Whenever someone spots a neighbor’s husband leaving the tiny but elegant establishment, the whispers start. “He’s picking her out diamonds to deflect her suspicions about his new mistress.”
Diamonds have a certain mystery about them and A museum history Tiffany diamond statement jewelry does just that — makes a statement. Tiffany diamonds
As the gossip goes — a diamond for his wife and a fur for his mistress.
Why do men cheat in the first place? There are a variety of reasons and I will direct you to other posts I have written. What is important, however, in preserving a marriage is the forgiveness factor. Why Do Men Cheat on their Wives?
Mending and Forgiving: The secret to overcoming the sting of infidelity is forgiveness. In Joseph Campbell’s The Power of Myth he talked about the essence of marriage with journalist Bill Moyers some years ago. He called “loyalty” the essence of marriage – “not cheating, not defecting – through whatever trials or suffering, you remain true.”
Bill Moyers said: “In marriage, every day you love, and every day you forgive. It is an ongoing sacrament – love and forgiveness.” Power of Myth
The Mayo Clinic offers advice on what to do about infidelity and how to mend a marriage after an affair. Mayo Clinic Infidelity Advice
WebMD also offers advice on repairing marriages. Marriages do survive infidelity, but it takes courage to forgive someone who violates the marriage vows. Overcoming Infidelity
Marriage, the relationship: Professor Campbell added: “The real life of a marriage or a true love affair is in the relationship…. Marriage is the symbolic recognition of our identity – two aspects of the same being.”
If one thinks about two aspects of the same being, it is a way of thinking about your positive qualities as well as your negative traits. If marriage is two aspects of the same being then the person who brings out the best in you and you in them, is the start of lifelong love and “happily ever after.
Practice forgiving. It is a lot simplier than you might think.
- Write down the one thing that is bothering you about your spouse or lover.
- Ask yourself what role you are playing in the problem.
- Then write ten positive qualities of your partner. A friend who long practiced Religious Science says it takes ten positives to cancel out one negative.
- Begin to see yourself interacting with the positive person with whom you fell in love.
A Serenity Journal has a simple section on how to achieve forgiveness. A Serenity Journal – www.Amazon.com link.
Take a chance and embrace change, a change in thinking from anger to forgiveness. It will do wonders for your heart and may save your marriage.
(For statistics, see Relationship columns)
As for the diamonds — Marilyn says it best. Here is Marilyn Monroe singing: Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend.
Copyright 2008 Rita Watson