Too often, when a relationship is in trouble, one party is unfaithful. Usually it is about sex or money and so one person turns to a lover or has a cyber-affair. Usually there are games that are played before any person cheats. These often include the notion of who is right and who is wrong. There seems to be a few variations of the game, but essentially one can expect:
- The silent treatment because one is right, the other is wrong.
- One party may withhold sex, because one is right, another is wrong.
- One person may take a hard line on an issue and it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong – there is a stalemate — a line in the sand is drawn. “If you loved me you would ….” or “If you don’t… then…”
A real problem is communication and one of the roadblocks to meaningful communication today is the Internet. How lovely it seems to have “an online affair” and delude yourself into thinking, “But I am not cheating.”
Cyber-sex — Is it cheating? The BBC did a piece on Cyber-affairs that is worth reading. I did run into a couple at the Cigar Bar who talked about cyber-porn — and both agreed, it is bad first step to marital discord.
The BBC site notes: “Intimate and meaningful, friendships can develop easily on the internet. This can pose a real threat to committed relationships. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall looks at the phenomenon of cyber affairs.” The Cyber-Affair Threat
Infidelity is harmful: Infidelity never settles an argument. In fact, cheating always delays the resolution. Drawing a line in the sand creates a tension in which one may win the battle but lose the war. Or win a point, and lose out on love.
But what happens when tension builds up is that one person seeks solace in the arms of another. Even if there is no physical infidelity, emotionally one can detach from one’s spouse and bond with another person. When this happens, the big questions is this: “Should I fess up to cheating?” Websites one relationships, post two simple views. “Yes, you should tell.” Or “No, keep your mouth shut.”
If you tell: This is a tough one because some spouses cannot handle indiscretion. Cheating does not signal an end to marriage or a relationship, but it will most certainly add a new stress and stain. Researchers tell us that it can often take up to two years before a marriage in which one partner cheated is made right. Distrust, betrayal, anger often consumes the partnership. Mending a Marriage after Infidelity Takes Forgiveness
Forgiveness: When two people reach a stalemate, for the sake of the marriage or the relationship there is only one solution — negotiating a settlement by working through the problem instead of pretending it will go away. Talk about problems the minute they occur.
Anger and laughter: My grandmother always said, “Never let the sun set on your anger.” Find something to laugh about even in a difficult situation. It is so difficult to laugh when you are angry. But finding a way to use a sense of humor to help you through difficult times will be worth the effort and may save your marriage.
Copyright 2008 Rita Watson