Another cigar night, this time with men at a new Cigar Masters. What is it that I learned?
It never quite occurred to me that men enjoy this ritual as they might fishing and hunting. “We talk, but maybe we sit here for 15 minutes before one of us says anything,” said a professor. “Women can’t do that. They need to be talking and interacting. Here we have a bond.”
This quiet friendship reminded me of a recent column that I posted by Maureen Dowd that says, “Never marry a man without friends. He doesn’t know how to be intimate.”
A newlywed said he liked the company because, “Sometimes a man just needs to chill with a remote.” Others pointed out that most women would be saying, “Is something wrong?” or “Did you have a bad day?”
The Ritual: A gentleman married for 17 years appreciates the ritual. “There is the choosing. The unwrapping. The cutting. The lighting up. The puffing. The flavor — all cigars have a different flavor. It is a quiet ritual, but it brings us together. I think women don’t understand camaraderie. My wife and I do.”
Respecting emotional space: Perhaps in a marital camaraderie two people learn to respect each other’s emotional space with as much reverence as one might respect physical space.
I often believed that for a man and woman to co-exist, it was important to have a room of one’s own — to write, to think, to be. But after cigar night, I am rethinking the concept of separate but together for laughter, for passion, and moments of silent independence.
Passionate independence: This week’s New Yorker reviews a new book about Emily Dickinson. The Homestead is described as a place “where each member runs his or her own selves.” Can it be that a good cigar is what it takes for couples to understand intimate independence where eventually something sensual occurs? And yes, I am still opposed to separate beds and separate his and her bedrooms.
Cigar Masters: I am fascinated by cigar emporiums and will be writing about thoughts from the gracious Jeremy Soares and team at Cigar Masters Providence at the Westin. And yes, in the spirit of full disclosure — I joined as the first female Master Member.
To read more please go to Cigar night out (which started in honor of the last show of the Boston Legal season) and Cigar smoke: Men, women, and truth. In fact, it was one of the cigar-smoking women who discovered the new Cigar Masters while taking a walk.
Watch for my column in the Providence Journal this Sunday: DNA and Desire on the editorial pages. Projo Relationship Columns
Copyright 2008 Rita Watson