It happens to all of us all too often. You meet someone and you think you have each been touched by the same star. Then what started as love turns into an annoyance, sometimes anger, sometimes hate. Sometimes there is just a feeling of being controlled. Sometimes it is a sadness. And many times a relationship ends because two people seem to be moving in different directions.
Some women cannot face the reality of talking to someone with whom they are ending a relationship and may send a break-up letter or email. Sometimes a man not wanting to hurt a woman will lead her on indefinitely. One woman we know of went out with a man for one entire year and during that time he always received a 7 AM and 11 PM phone call that he didn’t answer. He claimed it was his answering service. It seems that he never had the heart to tell his former girlfriend that he had found someone else. He convinced the jilted woman that he was traveling. When he got caller ID and his current girlfriend saw the name of his 11 PM caller — a looking for love well-established surgeon — she left him. So you are never too smart to be stupid about a relationship.
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- Before saying anything at all, write out the pros and cons of the relationship.
- Write out the 5 qualities about the other person that helped you to fall in love.
- Write out at least 2 things that brought the two of you joy.
- In a completely rational way ask yourself, “If he or she were breaking up with me, what are the words that I would want to hear. Start from a positive position – “We have shared happy times together.”
- State the reality – “Something is not working between us.”
- Express your need – “I need to move on.”
- Be willing to listen, calmly, to the other person’s reaction.
- Decide in advance not to argue.
- Acknowledge how difficult is it to say the words, “It is over.”
- Be firm. “I am not telling you this so that you will change, or do things differently. I am telling you this because I feel this is the end of the road.”
- Decide how to answer the other person when he or she says, “Couldn’t we give it another try? Can we go to counseling together? Is there someone else?”
- Be honest. State what you feel, but do so kindly thinking about the person’s positive qualities.
- “If a person asks if there is someone else, decide if you should say, “This is not about another person, but about us. We are not working.” OR if there is another person, how quickly you should tell the truth.
- Remind yourself that if there is someone else, the longer you keep that fact from the other person, the longer it will take that person to heal. “When they know the truth, the truth will set them free.”
- Be aware enough of your partner to know if he or she is the type who will benefit from you dragging out the good-by or performing radical surgery – that is, “It’s over.”
- Understand the consequences of a prolonged “Good-by.” It opens the door for one party doing a guilt trip on the other. It opens the door to manipulation. It opens the door the Pity Party in which the hurt party goes into “victim” mode. How can you do this to me?
- Understand the hurt and anger the other person is going through.
- Put a stop to answering harassing emails and phone calls – firmly, but kindly.
- Reassure the other person that he or she is someone with whom you have shared a great deal of joy, but now it is time to move on.
Deciding how to say “It’s over.”
Copyright 2007 Watson -