One more thing to do: Eliminate the word ‘should’
Rita Watson
We live in a world in which we have come to accept stress as a way of life, with too much to do and too little time to do it. And so we look for ways to stretch time and find shortcuts to joy and happiness.
Websites deliver happy quotes and — for those with the time to read — there are books with recipes for happiness. Gretchen Rubin, author of “The Happiness Project,” now has a second book called “Happier at Home,” in which she reminds us that “managing time is a pervasive, widespread struggle.”
Rubin attended a United Nations Conference in April, hosted by Bhutan. This country believes in using the concept of “Gross National Happiness” in place of “Gross National Product” to measure national progress.
In our own lives we measure progress based on how many items we cross off of our things to do list, which seems to grow longer instead of shorter. To compensate and catch up on our “shoulds,” we deprive ourselves of sleep.
Soon our joy seeps out and judgment leaks in. We not only judge others, but ourselves as well. Alisa Bowman is the author of “Project: Happily Ever After: Saving your marriage when the fairytale falters.” She wrote in her blog recently of the “should-ing problem.” She noted some of the “shoulds” that weigh us down: “I should meditate. I should be more generous. I should be more understanding.”
What was so interesting is that she pointed out how “that one simple word makes everything sound and feel much more difficult,” adding: “Should invites resistance over for dinner and then a sleepover. Eventually the two intertwine and produce a brood of guilt babies if you are not careful.”
But she doesn’t just remind us of the problem, she suggests a solution — change the word “should” to the word “want.” Bowman then asks us to face ourselves. “Do you really want to be more patient or understanding or kind? Want courts effort and, with enough effort, everything is possible.”
She told me that she was actually fantasizing about the funeral of her perfectly healthy husband until a friend convinced her to give their marriage one more try. She did and they fell in love all over again.
We often find ourselves saying, “If only they would change, life would be better.” The simple solution is a change in our own attitude. Try expressing gratitude for yourself and those you love who test your patience. Find ways to feel joyful even if it means writing little notes to yourself that say, “Smile.”
Then just do it — smile. Research tells us what we know intuitively: Joy and happiness are contagious.
For newspaper text: One more thing to do: Eliminate the word ‘should’ on Page H5 of Sunday, September 23, 2012 issue of Providence Journal
Rita Watson, an incurable romantic, is one of our relationship columnists and a regular Journal contributor. Her web address is ritawatson.com.