We live in a love-addicted society. To keep our hearts from breaking, and to save us from the monster called Alone, we will deceive ourselves and others for a religion called relationship. When one relationship ends, we are so terrified of Alone that we jump back into love — or infatuation masked as attraction — or find an addictive substitute.
We invest so much into deceiving ourselves that we sabotage our own chances for happiness. Every day on every television channel, movie, talk show, soap opera, magazine — the love myth is reinforced. It tells us, “Without love, without a relationship, you are not whole.”
The love lie: Yet those living a love lie have insisted that even when the romance was ending, they tried to find moments to make the deception worthwhile. For Michael, it was the rush he felt when he saw the man who would become his wife’s lover. “I knew. I had a hunch.” For Jason the moment of truth came with a telephone call, “I knew from the way she answered that she was talking to another man.” Signs of Cheating
Both Michael and Jason would eventually hear the women in their lives say to them, “I think we need to spend some time alone.”
Alone in the dictionary of love and danger: Alone — when a woman says, “I think we need a little time alone, away from each other,” what does it mean? It means she is rethinking the relationship. She might actually be toying with another man. Or she may really sense that the commitment she is hoping for is simply not going to happen.
Alone — he thinks, “She wants a night out with the girls.” Or he may think that HE has been demanding too much and therefore should back off.
Men’s problem with alone: The problem that men too often have with “alone” is “lonely.” Men traditionally have had their places of retreat — a boat, a workshop, a fishing trip. But oftentimes, just the notion of being alone is threatening. One young man recently went out with the women with whom he had just ended a relationship because he didn’t have a date for the week-end and couldn’t bear to be alone. Oftentimes divorced fathers can fill in alone time with their children. But alone is threatening and also fulfilling.
A time to question: Alone can mean a new beginning. Or it can mean an ending. But when a woman says she needs to be alone, it is a time to think and honestly ask yourself, “Am I really happy in this relationship? Or am I staying here because I don’t want to be alone?” If you search your heart, when one person is dissatisfied with a relationship, so is the other.
Sex becomes routine and boring. You start snipping at each other. And yet you hang on until she says, “I need alone time.”
Rekindle romance: What should you do? Be proactive. Honestly assess the relationship and your reasons for being in the relationship. If this relationship isn’t working, then take a chance on being alone and use it to be good to yourself.
And think about Michael and Jason. What could they have done differently? Each could have confronted without being confrontational. Each could have said, “Before I give you some alone time, let’s talk about what is happening between us.”
If you want the relationship, then do something. Why didn’t either Michael or Jason do so? Because each was afraid of rejection. And what did their wives really want? They wanted to be courted again! Rekindling romance
*Copyright 2008 Rita Watson from The Dictionary of Love and Danger: For Men Only, an FEV Publication