A little doting might help the rest of us, too

Rita Watson/ August 7, 2011
When I first learned that Jennifer Aniston was taking a year off to expand her brain, rest, and presumably dote on her new beau, I was jealous. In fact all of my friends wanted time off, even for a week or day! And forget about expanding the brain thing, we wanted our brains to slowly drain from the “would and should” lists that we had compiled for everyone except ourselves.
The problem with doting in the case of Jennifer Aniston is that she tends to smother her men. But as I thought about it, an excessive show of fondness might be good if handled reciprocally. Could our relationships improve if we spend just one day a week lavishing love on the men in our lives?
And in return we would get a “dote on me” day. “Yes, thank you darling another mint julep will be delightful. But just one more and then I’ll have some freshly brewed peach tea.”
After the famous women’s movement many expected a world of equal opportunity and shared responsibility. But it never did hit that 50-50 mark.
Women who wanted it all got their share and everyone else’s as well. Or as Pamela Haag says in one chapter of her new book “Marriage Confidential” : “I Can Bring Home the Bacon: how having it all became sort of having two things halfway.”
It is a troubling, though brilliant, book on the untold story of marriage in which she wonders if “we get less out of marriage because we expect less.” Haag reminds us that in 1970, an American Association of University Women survey found that women believed in their role as “wife and mother.” By 1983, however, college-educated women wanted to be “married career women with children.”
What happened? Careers oftentimes put a wedge between spouses and Prince Charming left on his white horse to see his salary increase as women soon found they were in debt. Perhaps Haag’s appraisal of married in what she calls “the post-romantic age” is a wake-up call to start doting on the men we love or end up in marriages of “workhorse wives, royal children, undersexed spouses and rebel couples who are rewriting the rules.” But somehow rewriting the marriage rules feels too much like an arrangement, even accepting of infidelity and polyamory.
Maybe Aniston has given us a hint, a “Declared Doting Day.” Perhaps it is time to hit the brakes on our relationships. Face each other squarely and honestly. Then make a commitment to public displays of affection and gratitude at least one day a week. For the survival of romantic love and marriage, we owe it to ourselves.
Rita Watson, one of our Relationship columnists and a regular op-ed page contributor, is an author, mother and incurable romantic. You can reach her at ritawatson.com.