Rita Watson: Relationships

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11590650/ Spring Break Safety Tipshttp://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9D05E3DC1039F932A25750C0A960958260 The Anorexia Challenge http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C07EEDB1230F931A35757C0A9609C8B63&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=all

Intuition or Hunches?

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

The truth about intuition The more connected we are to ourselves the easier it will be to connect meaningfully to others. Nothing in the world of appearances can help us find love -- and detach ourselves from deception -- with the same clarity as our own inner voice. Men call it hunches. Women call intuition. It comes to us in a flash of insight, or a dream. We often think of intuition as that "funny feeling inside" when something is going wrong. But it can work miracles for you. Hotel chain magnate Conrad Hilton played his hunches and built his empire. Golf champion Jack Nicklaus dreamed of the swing that lifted him out of a slump and perfected his game.What does this have to do with relationships? The point is simple. If turning over a problem to the creative psyche can lead to a hotel chain, a championship golf game, and a Nobel Prize (yes the nerve impulse experiment of Physicist Otto Loewi) just think of what it can do to improve your relationships. In fact the possibilities are only limited by the boundaries of your imagination. Intuition needs a higher pedestal The problem with intuition is that most people only think about it as a warning. In a failed relationship, so many people say "I never saw it coming." Yet when they rethink the situation they admit: * "I suppose we talked about it, but I didn't want to believe what I was hearing." * "I sensed that something was missing, but I thought it was my fault." * "I was always suspicious, but I couldn't exactly tell you why." But those who face themselves honestly will admit "I knew it. I just knew it." So here we are back to honesty again. It is time to retrain your instincts so that you can hear the voice inside you lead you to a more positive place. Perhaps before we can hear the positive voice of intuition, we need to look at why we ignore it when it is trying to warn us that a relationship is simply not working. * We may not be in a place where we can hear the truth. * We don't take ourselves seriously enough to believe in ourselves. * We go into denial hoping that the problem will go away. (It never does. It never will!) If you are in a relationship that is satisfying, for the most part, but "something doesn't feel right" speak up. Be gentle. Be kind. Be firm. Confront without being confrontational. Don’t let it simmer. Think of a mind irritation – even anger with yourself – as an ember that flies from the fireplace. If it stays on your sleeve, it will burn a hole. Emmet Fox tells us, “Flick it off.”Serendipity, intuition's glorious cousin Once you start to trust your intuition as a warning sign, you will find the courage to get out relationships that are hurtful. Then you will have room for wonderful new opportunities. The comments from hundreds of interviews in writing my books indicate that many women give away too much of themselves in relationships by loving someone who is is hurting you emotionally or even physically. There was a recent New York Times article that says “Hope” is the negative force that keeps us chained – You stay becaue you hope it will get better.Change even for the better is stressful. But if it is time for a change – do so with love. Make room in your life and heart for Serendipity's surprise. Serendipity is chance -- those chance meetings that come out of the blue. When you stop home to pick up an umbrella and an old college love stops by "taking a chance that you might be there." Sitting next to someone at a graduation. Having some bump into you and spill your coffee. Instead of getting annoyed – Smile – it could be the love of your life.--What does your intuition tell you about your choices in relationships up to now? --What is the mistake you keep making over and over again?Decide now to change the pattern --find a partner who brings out the best in you -- and you will both find yourselves loving life!

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Great-grandma was ahead of her time. When she came to America to celebrate her 90th birthday and visit her 12 children, the party invitation read: “No presents, just negligees made of French silk.” As she opened gifts she fingered the fabric and smiled, “Grazia.” When she died at 104, her young lover was 80. It was then that we learned of her amorous ways. The universities of Chicago and Toronto studied 3,005 men and women between ages 57 to 85, and reported that two-thirds of those in their 70s are having sex at least twice a month. Some continue into their 80s. An interesting finding is that while both genders admit to sexual issues, men tend to talk to their doctors about them while women tend not to. The explanation is simple. Men have an advocate in Bob Dole. War hero and retired Republican senator from Kansas, he took to the airwaves nearly 10 years ago and helped spawn an industry talking about ED — erectile dysfunction. The pharmaceutical companies still applaud him, as do content men and women. However, one 50ish friend complained: “We can’t just be a good companion on the arm of a rich, old gent anymore. Now they pop their pills and want us to perform.” The dear professor says, “Many women today say they prefer younger men. Just look at Demi Moore and Susan Sarandon. And truthfully, men like young-looking women as well.” A cartoon in a September issue of The New Yorker may be suggesting turning of the trend. Three older men with cigars are portrayed in armchairs at their private club. One asks, “What about you, Walter — how do you feel about same-age marriage?” The question should be — how do you feel about marriage and re-marriage? Most people agree that it is good for families. Good for couples. The union often ensures a ripe old age — despite theories that a dog may add more years to a man’s life than a wife. However, marriage doesn’t always ensure good sex. Why do people have sex anyway? Psychologists at the University of Texas, Austin, asked 2,000 people and compiled a list of 237 reasons. For both men and women the top three reasons stated: attraction to the person; physical pleasure; and because “it feels good.” If seniors are having more satisfying sex than younger people, attribute it to wisdom. One often hears “I wish I had more dates with my own husband, than with dinner party friends.” Or, “I just wish that the children saw us hugging and kissing more often. What kind of a role model were we?” When dual-career couples take to their separate bedrooms, they forgo the spontaneity and connection that keeps physical loving alive. Are seniors telling us that sex is really human touch — the ultimate expression of caring and friendship? In a world of chaos and uncertainty, perhaps seniors are experiencing what young couples and professionals are missing — intimate moments that restore our spirit, reaffirm our humanity, and give us reason to exchange a discreetly knowing smile.

Stand By Your Man

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/?cl=6947003

The A’s of Love and Danger:

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Adoration – When you first meet and you both have stars in your eyes, it is akin to adoration. You believe in love at first sight and don’t want to hear that love is blind. In fact, you both feel as if you were touched by the same star. Now here comes the difference. Men I know will tell me that they found their heaven on earth, or the sun, moon, and stars, or their Soulmate. However, they will still talk about looking past a few flaws — such as nagging, jealousy, or a bit of possessiveness. Men see the flaws as a challenge or insecurity and try to negotiate around these slight imperfections. Women will walk on air for a few weeks and then get right to work to try to change their man. The men in their naivete, good heartedness, or just plain “cluelessness” will believe that love conquers all. This early stage love is almost ethereal but oftentimes simply infatuation. Some Tibetan masters say, “Love that ignites too quickly, burns out suddenly.” Love is a building process and a learning process that enriches and supports without tension. Attraction – When you are attracted to someone, ask yourself why? Are you attracted to positive qualities or is there something devilish you see that creates a feeling of danger? Attraction to positive qualities will enhance both of you. In fact, it is helpful to look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “What is about me that my partner finds attractive?” How can we help each other? Are you attracted enough to each other wake up each morning and say, “How can I give this person I care so much about a happier, stress free day?” Can you then follow-through? The danger here is when attraction becomes fatal, obsessive, possessive, or manipulative. Watch for signs that are red flags. Need some scenarios? Tune in tomorrow. *Copyright 2008 The Dictionary of Love and Danger: For Men Only by Rita Watson from FEV Publications

The A’s of Love and Danger: Amour and Agendas

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Airing Dirty Linen: You Tube Divorce Tells All

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

How did DearSweetDave become the star of a You Tube divorce

Airing Dirty Linen on a You Tube Divorice

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

How did DearSweetDave suddenly become the subject of ire and ridicule in the blogosphere? By asking for a divorce.

Good topics and links

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1728520,00.html?imw=Y Help for Sex Starved Wives http://body.aol.com/healthy-living/relationships/understanding-men What Men Really Want http://body.aol.com/fitness/yoga/partner-sex Yoga with your partners Yoga for Sex http://body.aol.com/fitness/yoga/partner-sex/poses http://body.aol.com/medical-myths/is-being-male-hazardous-to-your-health-intelihealt

Marry Me from Ferol

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Proposing to the woman: 10 easy steps for popping the big question 1 – Decide. This is the ever pressing ‘should I do it?’ question. Hopefully if you are reading this you are close to your decision. I cannot stress enough that you must decide with certainty, this is a big one and every step of this process is difficult enough without nagging doubt. Decide she’s the one, and go for it. Don’t look back. Let us to be the first to congratulate you. 2 – Find an ally. For some reason it just doesn’t seem real to us until we tell someone, so tell someone. Find your proposal ally. But how do you find this ally? Well, best to choose someone you feel comfortable with, but who will know her as well. Best to find a relative, sister (not mom, we’ll get there later), best friend. It is preferable to find a girlfriend because this is going to be your ring consultant, timing advisor, parental co-pilot your right hand woman to this proposal. Identify her, and approach her about it, she will be ecstatic. Make sure to find someone who can keep a secret! 3 – Pick a date. Finding a good date for the proposal is key. This will allow you to get all the other things in order (ring, parents, etc… breathe, we’ll get there!) in time so everything will work out great. Couple of big things you have to get done before this date, but by picking it early you will be able to figure out your timeline on all the other biggies. A good date is one that has some meaning for your relationship, an anniversary, a non-relative intensive holiday (like valentine’s day, avoid Christmas). A few practical tips: pick a day when you’ll have time to enjoy each other afterwards – if you both work 9-5 choose a Friday night or Saturday, so you’ll have most of the weekend for each other. Pick a time when you know she’s not going to be exhausted, sweaty, or otherwise consider herself undesirable, no woman imagines the moment of her engagement after an hour on the elliptical machine! Just pick the date for now, you can worry about the actual proposal details later. 4 – Get the Ring. This part is fun. Expensive, but really a lot of fun. Grab your proposal ally and go to a few jewelry shops. Check out www.bluenile.com to get some of the basics down. We won’t go into the details of buying a ring too much here, because there is tons of information out there. What we can advise is go ring shopping with someone who will have her best taste at heart, and NOT someone who will be choosing the ring they want. Definitely be cautious in selecting a ring and a jewelry shop, finding someone you know in either the jewelry business or a dealer who comes through a recommendation is always the best. 5 – Parents. This is a dying tradition, but here at dtips we really believe in it. Ask her parents for permission, or even if you don’t ask them for permission talk to them about it first. We can guarantee it will win you major points with your future in-laws, and with her. It’s a delicate matter, and we suggest nothing but the most detailed planning to get ti right. You the conversation to be just you and them, and you want to make sure you won’t be interrupted by little sisters, waiters, or any other outside sources. The proposal ally is big here too, you need someone who can talk you through this. Have a script… YES a script. Write down some of the things you are going to say and memorize them. Don’t bring notes to the conversation, but make sure you are comfortable with the words you are saying. In fact say them out loud. You’d be surprised how hard they are to get out ;) Also, make sure and time your proposal date soon after your parental sit down – nothing adds pressure like awaiting in-laws! 6 – Plan the day. Okay so you have a ring, a date, her parents permission, so now its details time. Plan the date around what you think would be appropriate and not what you have heard about. In other words, if she’s a quiet type don’t do this in public. It’s a very private event, and you are going to want to have time together afterwards. Only if your potential fiancé is a very extroverted comfortable person should you consider proposing in public. There is no need to be jumping out of an airplane, in a shark tank or to have your proposal in scrolling marquee at the game for it to be meaningful. BUT you should plan something. At your place, her place, ( or your sinful cohabitation ;). Again here is the importance of your proposal ally, keep her busy so that she arrives at your proposal destination when you expect it. Set the scene, flowers, candles are a safe bet. Do something that is meaningful for your relationship, pick something and go with it. No real need to stress over this, she will love it no matter what, and as long as there is some theme to it all you will be fine. One helpful thing to keep in mind about the proposal setting is that this story will be told later, as long as there is some kind of story to tell the details will get smoothed over. Don’t worry about pink vs. red roses – the story will read “there were flowers everywhere”. 7 – Plan after the day. After the big moment comes a period of euphoria, nervousness, and excitement all at once. It’s intense, plan some alone time for the two of you right afterwards. It might be a good idea to invite some friends and family to a smallish get together later that night or the next day. Good way to show people the ring, tell lots of people at once, and every woman loves surprises. Plus this might help you cut down on your phone calls. 8 – Pop the question. Okay, you’re just about ready. Few quick tips on how to get through the day of without losing consciousness. Eat. Most people are so nervous they forget to eat, make sure you have some calories in your body, you’ll need them. Think about having a written version of what you are going to say. Maybe you will be able to get the words out, but you will be more nervous than at any other time in your life, that much I can guarantee. So just in case you can’t get through your speech, a card or photo album with a ‘will you marry me’ is always a good back up. Get down on your knee. You have one chance, do it right, its romantic, get down on that knee! Guess what? That’s it. She said yes, you now have a fiancé instead of a girlfriend, and you will be knee deep in phone calls and planning before you know it. Congratulations!

Why people cheat

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

There are a variety of reasons why people cheat, and it's not always about the sex, says Dr. Fine. "People cheat because they're selfish, immature or narcisstic. Or they're excitement junkies and attracted to the drama. They put their needs ahead of others and rarely blame themselves why they cheated in the first place. There are a variety of reasons why people cheat, and it's not always about the sex, says Dr. Fine.http://body.aol.com/healthy-living/relationships/why-men-cheat-myths-facts It is different," says Rhonda Fine, PhD, a clinical sexologist and diplomate of The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists.

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

CHEATING the Professor // May 12, 2008 at 2:17 am

Cheating on the significant other. There’s a hot topic. I met a woman who confided to me that her boyfriend of some years cheated on her and then told her, “please take me back, you’re the best one for me.” Or something like that. She said to me, “so, if I was the best for him, why did he cheat on me?” She was perplexed and I think permanently hurt. Lots of harmed souls out there. I’m no therapist but there is a kernel of truth here. He had everything he wanted but wanted the next one too. What’s that about? I have a male friend who says, “my problem is I can’t say “no.” Therapists? Tell me what’s going on?

2 TheB // May 14, 2008 at 7:28 pm

‘She is from across the bridge, the other side of the river.’ Where exactly is she from? Jersey?

Regarding our cultural hang-ups about fantasying, didn’t the nation resolve this back in 1976 when Jimmy C’s spoke of lusting in his heart? It didn’t seem to do much damage to his relationship with Rosalynn - at least it didn’t reach our prying eyes through the pages of People or the National Enquirer. If it were culturally acceptable to take time away from our loved ones to have affairs and openly view pornography would it make us a happier people?

It might make us less hypocritical but also less caring and responsible. What goes on between two adults is their business unless one is a public official who legislates us to act one way and does just the opposite. And obviously kids can see through parents and others who do the same. What kind of role model are we setting for them? Given our busy lives, whose time are we taking to indulge our fantasies and impulses? I’m feeling sorry for your francophile friend. Maybe I can find her a guy among the faithful 33%. So I did a mental survey among all my male friends, relatives and colleagues and sad to say, we all come up wanting. True, we are all monogamous and enjoy sex and if you would pass on the URL of the website where your beauty parlor friends shop for ‘toys’, we’ll happily investigate, but much to your survey’s chagrin, our mistresses are of a different nature: sports and politics mostly, with a couple of race car enthusiasts and deep sea fishermen.

The Men Have Their Say

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sports Jock // May 13, 2008 at 1:15 am

Brody here: Feel as if the Prof should answer this one. I’m jumping in because “Manipulate Brody” is written on my forehead. No student-teacher stuff, just a guy who likes to think he’s a good guy. Then wham. I become the bad guy. I’m swearing off chics who are jealous or bitchy or needy or demanding or who show up at games to track me down. Is there anyone left for me? I’ll catch up with the Prof on his cheating comment. Later.

Sexual satisfaction

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

What is important is satisfaction according to a study of more than 12,000 men and women most of whom were married. http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2007.00765.x" Researchers in 2004 found that men assumed women preferred foreplay to intercourse. And that women desire very lengthy intercourse to feel sexually satisfied But researchers acknowledge that “Couples who have been romantically involved longer may be more likely to have shared their ideal sexual scripts and thus have a better understanding of each other's ideal duration of foreplay and intercourse and be less influenced by gender stereotypes.” http://v8nu74s71s31g374r7ssn017uloss3c1vr3s.unbf.ca/~byers/ppl/amiller.html" The Researcher http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_3_41/ai_n6232413

What Women Want, for Men to be Driving, that is.

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

http://www.autoblog.com/2008/06/01/women-more-interested-in-your-prius-than-your-porsche/?icid=100214839x1203363388x1200138120

from Oprah, the pity party

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Poignant, tragic, funny, outrageous --most of us have at least one story we tell (and retell) to explain our emotional bruises. But there's a big difference between understanding the past and being stuck in it.

Expert warns that you should pay attention to why you're telling that story again.

Self-pity, a dominant characteristic of sociopaths, is also the characteristic that differentiates heroic storytelling from psychological rumination. When you talk about your experiences to shed light, you may feel wrenching pain, grief, anger, or shame. Your audience may pity you, but not because you want them to. Obsessing aloud, on the other hand, is a way of fishing for pity, a means of extorting attention. Healthy people instinctively resist this strategy. When you grieve, they will yearn to comfort you. When you demand pity, they will yearn to smack you. All day, I've been telling stories to evoke my own pity, and it's working. Partly. The unhealthy part of me, the world-class codependent, is just mesmerized. "Oh," she cries, "you poor darling! Tell me that sad story again -- the first 400 times didn't do it justice!" The healthy part of me finds this annoying: "Oh, for God's sake," she says, rolling her eyes. "Could we please stop the drama and get on with our life?" The healthy part of me is such a heartless bitch. On the other hand, she's got a point. Compulsively examining my stories never works for me. I keep sinking into sorrow (self-inflicted though it is) until it occurs to me that I will drown unless I can drag myself out. This can be difficult, but after decades of practice, I've created a sort of verbal tree limb I can grab in a pinch: Am I presently learning the truth about my life's work? If this sentence sounds a little vague, that's because it's actually a mnemonic code. Each phrase reminds me of a concept that helps me escape the marsh: being present, learning continuously, seeking truth, and committing my energy to my real life's work.

Don't Miss

Oprah.com: Get the blueprint for stress-free living
Oprah.com: Six ways to stop dwelling on it
Oprah.com: How to live in the moment

Become present I just met with a client I'll call Kristin, an energetic self-pitier. We were discussing her desire for a promotion when her gaze dropped and her voice took on a timbre both sorrowful and weirdly practiced, as though she were reciting a very depressing Pledge of Allegiance. "You know," Kristin said, her eyes welling up, "my mother never let me talk back to her, never really listened to me." Her chest began to heave. "My therapist says she may as well have been deaf." She dissolved into tears. "Oh," I said. "So, are you going to ask for that promotion?" "She never listened!" Kristin repeated, sobbing, her hand on her neck. "My astrologer says it totally blocked my throat chakra!" "Kristin," I said, "Look at me, please." She didn't want to. I insisted. "How many fingers am I holding up?" Reluctantly, like a dog dropping a stolen ham, Kristin raised her eyes and looked. "Three," she said. Her tears dried up. She seemed disappointed. The story-fondling thing had been going so well. "Kristin, can you see that your mother isn't here? Can you hear that you are able to speak? You're a full-grown woman, with a functioning larynx, who wants a promotion. Full stop." I call this anchoring, establishing a simple, physical, factual connection with present reality. Try it for yourself, right now. Look around you. Listen. Touch your hair, the floor, this page. Whatever happened 10 years ago, whatever happened 10 minutes ago, is not your present concern. Neither is what will happen in another 10 years, another 10 minutes. This moment is all you have to worry about. Narrowing your attention to this point is your reconnection with solid ground. Never stop learning Getting bogged down in old stories stops the flow of learning by censoring our perceptions, making us functionally deaf and blind to new information. Once the replay button gets pushed, we no longer form new ideas or conclusions -- the old ones are so cozy. But becoming present puts us back in reality, where we can rigorously fact-check our own tales. Try dredging up one of your favorite stories --maybe a classic like "I'm not good enough." Treat it as a hypothesis. Research it. Is there any evidence that contradicts it? Have you ever, in any way, even for an instant, been good enough? You may need to ask someone for coaching at first. Evidence that contradicts your hypothesis will be hard for you to see, while to an objective observer, it's obvious ("Well, you're good enough for me, your dog, and everyone down at the bingo hall, you dumb cluck"). However you get to it, the moment you absorb a fact that disproves your hypothesis, you're half out of the mire. Insist on the truth Whatever terrible things may have happened to you, only one thing allows them to damage your core self, and that is continued belief in them. Kristin's mother may have been Stalin in a bra, but by the time Kristin got to my office, what was silencing her was the conviction she'd formed during interactions with Mom: "It's no good to speak up; no one will ever hear me." Kristin couldn't redo her past, but she could change that belief. In fact, the loop she replayed in her head was the one thing standing in her way, since evidence disconfirming her hypothesis was everywhere. Lots of people listened to Kristin. Once she acknowledged that, she couldn't be a tiny victim, waiting haplessly for her chakras to open. She was just a woman with a scary job to do. I know how much this realization bummed her out; it always bums me out. But then, it's also the doorway to freedom. Put all your energy into your life's work The moment you lift your gaze from your old stories, you'll see your life's work. I don't mean a gilt-edged proclamation from God, describing every step you are to take for the rest of your existence. I mean the next step, which is usually very small: Ask for the promotion. Pick up the kids. Take a nap. Then take the step that comes after that. From time to time, as you continue along, a Big Dream will coalesce out of the swamp fog. The way forward is to shake the quicksand off your feet and take one small step toward that dream. Trust me, it will be all you can do. Taking things step-by-step means working -- working hard, working scared, working through confusion and embarrassment and failure. I've met many people the world thinks of as "lucky," and all of them operate this way. I've come to think that the main purpose of rumination is work avoidance. Dwelling endlessly on the past keeps us from the wild, exhausting, terrifying tasks that create our right lives. When I become a little more ruthless with myself and a lot more present in what I have to do, I see that writing a humble column is my next step -- and I have writer's block. I'd love to enter therapy and figure out why, but I don't have that kind of time. Instead, I'll focus on a saying from the Ojibwa tradition, one that deserves the attention I customarily lavish on my problems: Sometimes I go about pitying myself, and all the while I am being carried on great winds across the sky.

By Martha Beck from "O, The Oprah Magazine," July 2006

365, big hands, and whooses

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/cause-you-know-what-big-hands-mean-184888/">http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/cause-you-know-what-big-hands-mean-184888/> Gender surrender -- make up your mind http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/gender-surrender-are-men-today-not-well-man-enough-184919/">http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/gender-surrender-are-men-today-not-well-man-enough-184919/> How to pick out losers!

Truth and Lies and No Happy Endings

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

A suicide attempt: Reminds me of a man who became involved with a woman during a conference. They shared the story of their lives in one long week-end. He negected to say that he was married. She became addicted and contacted him daily. He called me after he had told her the truth. She attempted suicide. A physician on the string: We are reminded of a physician who kept a man on the hook for three years. Whenever he was about to leave her, she went into the hospital for a test or minor surgery. She had a medical condition that flared up during stress and she would blame him when she couldn't work. She realized she had lost him when he didn't invite her to be his date for his daughter's wedding. Having had complications from an Epstein Barr virus, she decided to close her very lucretive medical practice. Since he was an astute business man, she kept the connection to him by calling weekly for advice. Then weekly became daily. Then daily became early morning and late at night. Addictive co-dependency: He never had the courage to tell the physician that he was with another woman. The woman with whom he was living gave him an ultimatum. He waffled on it. Why didn't the businessman tell the physician the truth? Addictive co-dependency. He helped her to close her practice. And she referred business to him. One day, when he arrived home, the woman with whom he was living, was gone. He never saw her again.

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

When the Girlfriend's Mother Is Mrs. Robinson Thu Apr 10, 2:00 AM ET DEAR MARGO: I am a 32-year-old man. After a string of older women, I have happily, though uncharacteristically, been dating a woman eight years my junior for about a year. I am deeply in love with her, and we have been seriously discussing moving in together. She is unusually close to her mother and sings her praises every chance she gets. For the most part this praise is well deserved. Her mother gave birth to her at 16 years of age and still managed to give her a pretty good future, even as a single mom. Unfortunately, her mother has made some obvious passes at me. It started with affectionate behavior and light flirtation, which included playful allusions to my former lovers and how they were her age rather than her daughter's. One might dismiss those as mere jokes, but a few recent incidents can't possibly be dismissed as such. I'm not at all sure she would believe me if I accused her mother of hitting on me, and I fear she would believe it if her mother chose to reverse the accusation, especially given my record of dating older women. Part of me is thinking "bail out," but I don't want to lose my girl. I also want to avoid damaging her relationship with her mother if at all possible. --- DESPERATE DEAR DES: Here's what you do to keep your girlfriend and not blow the whistle on her mother: Treat all the flirting like a joke. Just laugh ... in a good-natured, friendly way, of course. Nothing will tamp down these passes like laughter and an implied "no, thank you." And by the way, this phenomenon is not all that unusual. Sometimes the mother is not seriously flirting; she is just being reflexively competitive. --- MARGO, TACTICALLY http://news.yahoo.com/b/dear_margo/margo_howard20080410

Exercise and Smile

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

http://www.asylum.com/2008/05/02/study-shows-breaking-up-easy-to-do/ http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24418670/ Breaking Up is Hard to Do It happens to all of us all too often. You meet someone and you think you have each been touched by the same star. Then what started as love turns into an annoyance, sometimes anger, sometimes hate. Sometimes there is just a feeling of being controlled. Sometimes it is a sadness. And many times a relationship ends because two people seem to be moving in different directions. Whatever the reason – someone decides, “I want out.” If ending a relationship was easy, there would not be so many songs written about ending relationships. We all know the stories. Sometimes it is just a fight and someone blurts out, “You jerk, it’s over.” Some women cannot face the reality of talking to someone with whom they are ending a relationship and may send a break-up letter or email. Sometimes a man not wanting to hurt a woman will lead her on indefinitely. One woman we know of went out with a man for one entire year and during that time he always received a 7AM and 11PM phone call that he didn’t answer. It seems that he never had the heart to tell his former girlfriend that he had found someone else. He convinced the jilted woman that he was traveling on the weekends. When the week-end calls finally ended, his girlfriend learned that he found a way to make a good night call to the woman he had jilted before what inevitably turned into their 11 PM argument when the phone calls came. And although the jilted party was a doctor, she bought his story. So you are never too smart to be stupid about a relationship. Deciding how to say “It’s over.” 1. Before saying anything at all, write out the pros and cons of the relationship. 2. Write out the 5 qualities about the other person that helped you to fall in love. 3. Write out at least 2 things that brought the two of you joy. 4. In a completely rational way ask yourself, “If he or she were breaking up with me, what are the words that I would want to hear. Start from a positive position – “We have shared happy times together.” 5. State the reality – “Something is not working between us.” 6. Express your need – “I need to move on.” 7. Be willing to listen, calmly, to the other person’s reaction. 8. Decide in advance not to argue. 9. Acknowledge how difficult is it to say the words, “It is over.” 10. Be firm. “I am not telling you this so that you will change, or do things differently. I am telling you this because I feel this is the end of the road.” 11. Decide how to answer the other person when he or she says, “Couldn’t we give it another try? Can we go to counseling together? Is there someone else?” 12. Be honest. State what you feel, but do so kindly thinking about the person’s positive qualities. 13. “If a person asks if there is someone else, decide if you should say, “This is not about another person, but about us. We are not working.” OR if there is another person, how quickly you should tell the truth. 14. Remind yourself that if there is someone else, the longer you keep that fact from the other person, the longer it will take that person to heal. “When they know the truth, the truth will set them free.” 15. Be aware enough of your partner to know if he or she is the type who will benefit from you dragging out the good-by or performing radical surgery – that is, “It’s over.” 16. Understand the consequences of a prolonged “Good-by.” It opens the door for one party doing a guilt trip on the other. It opens the door to manipulation. It opens the door the Pity Party in which the hurt party goes into “victim” mode. How can you do this to me? 17. Understand the hurt and anger the other person is going through. 18. Put a stop to answering harassing emails and phone calls – firmly, but kindly. 19. Reassure the other person that he or she is someone with whom you have shared a great deal of joy, but not it is time to move on. © 2004 Watson “Breaking up decisions.” http://www.asylum.com/2008/05/02/study-shows-breaking-up-easy-to-do/ http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24418670/

Abstinence

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sex sells. Whether we wrap in an abstinence package or talk about it through Planned Parenthood – we are talking about sex. In the abstinence world, the talk of sex translates into “no sex before marriage,” and it comes without the sound advice of safe sex based on good science.

Escaping the message of sex is difficult to do. We live in a society in which magazines, movies, and television have blurred the boundaries of propriety. Sex is so much a part of our culture that even advertising for cars comes with seductive overtones. While we seem to be a society that likes sex, according to the recent Durex Survey the US ranks 23 out of 26 nations in terms of sexual satisfaction.

Nonetheless sex is still on the minds of the “Virginity Rules” movement. And the more money we pour into abstinence legislation the more we hear about its failures. A study by Mathematica Policy Research Inc. shows that abstinence education makes no difference with regard to the age of a teenager’s first sexual experience. Recent hearings in Washington seem to imply that reluctantly some members of Congress may be coming to the same conclusion. Washington times

What is the real message of abstinence education? Proponents would like to see children place more value on marriage and family than on sex. That’s a good message. But tax dollars should not be funding it. However, I would be pleased to see money spent on programs that instill passion and intimacy – not through sex, but through art, dance, and music. And I would favor funding for model family programs where children might learn to talk about ethics, feelings, relationships, and the value of intimacy and friendship.

My grandmother taught us about family at the dining room table. There we shared thoughts, celebrated joys, and learned to decipher the meaning of a sigh, a half smile, an unspoken sadness. Today we live in a world of fragmented families often on treadmills racing against activities and time. There are few role models. But that doesn’t absolve us from our responsibilities as parents.

Sex is a part of growing up. And it is up to us, not the Congress, to teach our children to grow up responsibly and respectfully of others as well themselves. And it doesn’t hurt if we can do so with a sense of humor. Here is a Jon Stewart abstinence laugh. When abstinence doesn’t work

Marriage of Destiny and Intuition

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Infidelity Red Flags and Marriage Savers

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

From this WebMD feature, here are seven signs of straying: Red Flag No. 1: Crying Out for Help -- I am not happy. Marriage Saving Solution -- Take the bait. Talk it out or get help! Red Flag No. 2: Sudden Change -- or Interest in Appearance. From botox for him to sexy dresses for her -- watch out. Marriage Saving Solution -- If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them -- do your part to spice up and spruce up! Red Flag No. 3: Unconstructive Criticism, even if deserved, hurts. "Why don't you ever listen to me?" it's a script ready of cheating. Marriage Saving Solution -- Listen and Learn. Even if he says something like, 'Those two women are attractive,' encourage him to talk about it so he will feel that he can talk to you about anything. Red Flag No. 4: the Tony Soprano-Style Guilt Gift -- Expensive jewely so you will look the other way. Marriage Saving Solution -- Trust your instincts and say something, but kindly! Red Flag No. 5: Snubbed at the Company Party -- That's a no brainer. People know and now you are getting the hint. Marriage Saving Solution -- Address It Head-on: Open the lines of communication and say what you felt and what you are thinking, but GENTLY, GENTLY, GENTLY. Red Flag No. 6: Sneaking -- The cell phone is usually the culprit. The secret calls or the number he or she looks at but doesn't respond. Also, more nights at the office. Marriage Saving Solution -- Confrontation (without being confrontational) HOW??? This is where I take issue with WebMDs advice. I think the marriage saving solution is to say, "I feel as if you are under a lot of stress and maybe I am not giving you what you need right now. But I want to be the one in your life who meets your needs. Tell me about this other person that I sense is coming between us." Red Flag No. 7: History Repeats Itself -- Not much to add here other than to say, "Don't let it happen. Try to intervene." Marriage Saving Solution -- Set Boundaries: Try to set up rules that will safeguard your marriage -- if you are talking to others, make certain you trust that their advice will be to help you strengthen the relationship instead of straying. Cheating may not necessarily be the end of a relationship -- it may be the wake up call. But, it is very difficult. And again, the research shows that a partner who cheats often needs companionship more than sex. http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/nip-infidelity-in-bud" title="WebMD: Nipping an Affair in the Bud">WebMD: Nipping an Affair in the Bud

Where Men Wait on Cafe Princesses

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

It is at a new Cafe in Japan. Asian women

How to Decide

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

The TACT Strategies are a registered trademark Twenty Winning Decision-Making Strategies 1. TAKE A MINUTE 2. Guard against immediate reactions to situations 3. Learn to say no, or “I can’t give you an answer at this time.” 4. Watch your words 5. Have the courage to sleep on your thoughts 6. ASSESS THE SITUATION 7. Gather information from all sources 8. Make a pros and cons checklist 9. Understand your personal feelings 10. Review against past decisions before deciding 11. CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVES 12. Generate options and alternatives creatively 13. Review the consequences for yourself and others 14. Examine how difficult your decision will be to implement 15. Develop a back up plan 16. TAKE A STAND AND FOLLOW THROUGH 17. Make sure your stance is clearly known 18. Do not underestimate strategies and timing aimed at success 19. Be willing to negotiate a win-win situation 20. Proceed with confidence and evaluate the outcome From The Art of Decision Making by Rita E. Watson, Lowell House Copyright 1994 Rita E. Watson

New Rules for Open Marriage

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Adapted from Providence Journal, Sunday July 6, 2008 IN A YEAR when "Virginity Rules" became an abstinence movement motto, the pendulum swings to new rules for an open marriage. With recent statistics from 13 countries showing that marriage is down while living together is up - and monogamy being challenged by polyamory - will the words "for better or worse, until death do us part" become obsolete? Polyamory means sharing more than one intimate partner at the same time. Unlike the ménage à trois or Updikean wife-swapping, polyamory is characterized by multiple-relationship arrangements with the consent of all partners and defined by specific boundaries. Couples have been choosing alternative arrangements for years - look at Eleanor and Franklin D. Roosevelt (and his mistresses), Nelson Rockefeller and his mistresses, and the open relationship between John Lennon and Yoko Ono. In the 1800s, the married Amherst College treasurer, Austin Dickinson, spent 13 years involved with a young professor's wife. Mabel Loomis Todd who documented their relationships declared that she could love two men at the same time. (Poet Emily Dickinson helped her brother and Mabel sustain the affair. One man loving three wives at the same time was depicted in Big Love, an HBO tale glamorizing polygamy. Since I do not own a television, I missed it and had to wait to read about marriage alternatives in two new books that are shedding light on sexual-preference-packages. Written or unwritten rules that include mutual respect, agreements, and even contracts between various partners appear to set apart today's open marriages from the swinging '60s. Tristan Taormino, in Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, describes a variety of arrangements, ranging from monogamy with benefits to triads and solo polyamory. The book comes with an extensive resource list by state and country. Taormino says her goal is "to empower people to let go of societal expectations of what relationships should look like and create customized relationships that meet their needs and desires." Jenny Block's Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage is a memoir. She wrote me and said, "I do think that polyamory might well work for many people. That's not to say that I have any problem with monogamy. I think it is great when a couple is actually practicing it and not just giving lip-service to the concept." Escalating marital infidelity and divorce rates may be contributing to the rise in cohabitation. A young couple from Portland, Ore., expressed a growing sentiment. Amanda Thibodeau said: "Marriage is a government and legal institution, and we have lost faith in both. Why do I need these institutions telling me that my relationship is official?" Of their relationship Scott Beck added: "We are working on being good partners for each other, like other couples who are married or not, gay or straight, young and old." Ironically in an era when many are giving a "thumbs down" to marriage, gay couples are still lobbying for the right to marry. What message do marriage alternatives give to young people? In the absence of role models, we are spending taxpayer dollars for abstinence programs that congressional-funded research shows are failing. Why not spend money on family-focused education that includes conflict resolution, financial management, sexual responsibility and child care? We might even consider courses that talk about intimacy and love as a choice rather than wild infatuation. Does marriage even have a future? As an incurable romantic, I am ever hopeful. But I paused at a recent New Yorker cartoon by Michael Crawford. A middle-aged couple in the formal "just married" attire of tux and tulle are sitting in the back of a limousine. The caption reads: "It didn't have to end like this." Rita Watson is a monthly contributor and daily blogger at www.ritawatson.com who writes about relationships.

New Rules, New Look at Open Marriage

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

The New Rules for Open Marriage

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

How to Kiss Again and Again!

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

For those of you who watched Boston Legal, you'll remember friends with benefits started with a kissing lesson. Brad had been told her wasn't a good kisser. Denise offered to teach. And then became friends with benefits and eventually a baby!http://www.youtube.com/v/mIDf5YMF4-4&hl=en&fs=1"> name="allowFullScreen" value="true">http://www.youtube.com/v/mIDf5YMF4-4&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"> Casablanca: A Kiss is just a kiss! But it is more -- it is a sign of friendship and passion. So here it is:, http://www.askheartbeat.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=7&Itemid=27

Open Marriage v True Love

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Lawsuit Freezes Assets of Madoff's Sons

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

http://www.reuters.com/news/globalcoverage/madoff

Why Men Cheat, Why Women Cheat

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

A Shopping, Shoes, and Sex High

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/08/11/lw.better.than.sex/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

Why Women Choose the Wrong Men

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Lies from Men on the Down-Low

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Lies from Men on the Down-Low

In the search for Mr. Right, it is helpful to know if he is straight or gay. But what about men having sex with other men in secret?

Here is an article from Aliyah Baruchin, who writes for the New York Times and reports on complex medical issues, as well as contributing to Essemce, Vanity Fair, Rx and match.com’s Happen magazine.

Why the list of credentials? Because she is touching up a topic that some will regard with skepticism. But it is out there. And the sooner women wake up and smell the coffee the easier it will be to get on with life.

If you haven’t heard the term – men who tell others they are heterosexual but who are secretly involved with another man – are said to have down-low behavior. Sure it has gone on for centuries, but it is now out in the open. This article from AO: datmg gives “straight answers” to your questions.

Down-low behavior -- men who identify themselves as heterosexual having sex in secret with other men -- is as old as human history. But the concept exploded on the national stage in 2004 with the publication of J.L. King's memoir On the Down Low and when author Terry McMillan announced that she and her husband -- the inspiration for How Stella Got Her Groove Back -- were divorcing because she discovered he was gay

http://personals.aol.com/articles/2008/07/01/dating-on-the-down-low/

ritawatson - html, save

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Bold ital www.ritawatson.com www.ritawatson.com/

SAVE - HTML link

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
www.ritawatson.com/

Is Your Dating a Mama's Boy?

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sometimes a young man simply cannot let go of Mama. I remember when I was living in New Haven a lovely women with whom I worked came to the office in tears. She took a job - although she didn't have to work - to get away from her mother-in-law, who came each afternoon to do the laundry and clean the house. Why? Her husband insisted on it. And this was long before "Eveyone was loving Raymond and groaning at his mother. This particular day, her mother-in-law arrived in the morning because her son had a big meeting and Mama wanted to be certain he wore the right shirt and tie for the new job interview. Since she wanted to stay married, she didn't dare say to Mama the things I suggested. However, CNN.com LIVING does have some advice. And we though Charlotte's mother-in-law on Sex in the City was an exaggeration!    http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/08/21/tf.mamas.boy/index.html

A Kiss is Just a Kiss or is It?

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Oprah

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/08/19/o.love.decongested/index.html

Flirting and Body Language

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Flirting is a body language movement that portrays many sensual words, without words. I learned recently that men and women who look for partners on-line are well schooled in the art of mating and dating. I was at my favorite pub the other evening, invited by a young man whom I consider to be a drinking buddy. He is attractive, very sexy, but too young in spirit even by most Cougar standards. It was a windy day and I had my hair piled high with a big barrette. So as I sat next to him and he ordered me a drink, I took the barrette from my hair and shook it a bit. "Ah, ha," he said, "So you really are interested in us." I smiled and said, "Absolutely and when you kids grow up and leave home - or you send them to boarding school, call me. We could become a hot couple." Actually, I love children - babies with nannies, and young adults in college. And so as we chatted in between calls from his children, I began to covet the olives next to him. Not wishing to disturb a conversation, I leaned across him and helped myself. He immediately ended the call, touched my arm and said, "Hmm, now you who writes about relationships and sex, did you see what you just did? You just moved into my space." Then with a twinkle, he added, "I hope that it was deliberate." I answered, "Yes, it was. I'm starving and you hogged all the olives." Others joined us. The group expanded. And just as the appetizers arrived, I spotted a gentleman coming towards us. A stately politician, he and I had been criss-crossing each for a few weeks. So as I leaned back for a two cheek "kiss- kiss" Mr. Too Young said, "What's this? What's happening? You just withdrew from me totally." Without skipping a beat, I admitted, "That's true, You all go along because I am going to stay and catch up with this gentleman so we have our facts straight for a Council meeting." But the "kiss kiss to Mr. Too Young, I asked, "How did you get to be a body language expert?" His answer, "If you are a member of certain on-line dating groups, you get some extra advice." Well extra advice or not, I'm still not changing my opinion of on-line dating. I'm suspicious of the whole thing. But I did do some further checking on body language. Two articles" One from Oprah.com Should you put the brakes on flirting? And the other is a slide presentation from former FBI agent Joe Navarro presented by the WashingtonPost.com. The article is called, "Every Body's Talking" http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/story/2008/06/22/ST2008062201741.html?sid=ST2008062201741 and the slide show is called, "What We Say Without Words."

Sugar, Spice, and Sexercise

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Dialing Drunk or The Booty Call

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
This is about a booty call The video here http://www.onnetworks.com/videos/on-dating/booty-call The video here http://www.onnetworks.com/videos/on-dating/booty-call    The Booty Call

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Packaging Sex and Abstinence

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sex sells. Whether we wrap it in an abstinence package or talk about it through Planned Parenthood – we are talking about sex. In the abstinence world, the talk of sex translates into “no sex before marriage,” and it comes without the sound advice of safe sex based on good science.

Escaping the message of sex is difficult to do. We live in a society in which magazines, movies, and television have blurred the boundaries of propriety. Sex is so much a part of our culture that even advertising for cars comes with seductive overtones. While we seem to be a society that likes sex, according to the recent Durex Survey the US ranks 23 out of 26 nations in terms of sexual satisfaction. Nonetheless sex was still on the minds of the “Virginity Rules” movement when Congress again debated $176 million abstinence legislation last fall. It passed and President Bush signed the measure into law and actually increased funding. The controversial issue was raised again in the Congress and on April 24th The Washington Times reported “a House hearing on the effectiveness of abstinence education loosed a flurry of statistics, studies and anecdotes, but concluded yesterday with little moment on the contentious issue.” Furthermore the Government Accounting Office spokesperson acknowledged medical inaccuracies in federally funded abstinence materials, but said that Health and Human Services was working to correct them. But what was most shocking is that she said that more data was being collected because the information thus far, “is insufficient for the GAO to draw conclusions about the programs’ effectiveness.” Just how many millions more dollars does it take to show that children are having babies and sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise? The irony of the Congressional approval of the legislation is that their own mandated evaluation by Mathematica Policy Research Inc. shows that abstinence education has little impact on teen sexual practice and age of first sexual experience, just under 15. Last year Women’s News reported the candidates’ stand on the legislation. Hillary Clinton has gone on record for abstinence-plus – which essentially acknowledges respect for delaying sexual activity and viewing sex as part of an intimacy process with a view towards lifelong commitment. However, the plus means also teaching about safe sex and the use of contraception. Barack Obama is an advocate of age-appropriate comprehensive sex education. John McCain who now favors abstinence-only at one time favored comprehensive sex education and Mike Huckabee was a proponent of abstinence-only. What is the real message of abstinence education? Proponents would like to see children place more value on marriage and family than on sex. That’s a good message. But tax dollars should not be funding it. However, I would be pleased to see money spent on programs that instill passion and intimacy – not through sex, but through art, dance, and music. And I would favor funding for model family programs where children might learn to talk about ethics, feelings, relationships, and the value of intimacy and friendship. My grandmother taught us about family at the dining room table. There we shared thoughts, celebrated joys, and learned to decipher the meaning of a sigh, a half smile, an unspoken sadness. Today we live in a world of fragmented families often on treadmills racing against activities and time. There are few role models. But that doesn’t absolve us from our responsibilities as parents. Sex is a part of growing up. And it is up to us, not the Congress, to teach our children to grow up responsibly and respectfully of others as well as themselves. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Packaging Sex and Abstinence

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sex sells. Whether we wrap it in an abstinence package or talk about it through Planned Parenthood – we are talking about sex. In the abstinence world, the talk of sex translates into “no sex before marriage,” and it comes without the sound advice of safe sex based on good science. Escaping the message of sex is difficult to do. We live in a society in which magazines, movies, and television have blurred the boundaries of propriety. Sex is so much a part of our culture that even advertising for cars comes with seductive overtones. While we seem to be a society that likes sex, according to the recent Durex Survey the US ranks 23 out of 26 nations in terms of sexual satisfaction. Nonetheless sex was still on the minds of the “Virginity Rules” movement when Congress again debated $176 million abstinence legislation last fall. It passed and President Bush signed the measure into law and actually increased funding. The controversial issue was raised again in the Congress and on April 24th The Washington Times reported “a House hearing on the effectiveness of abstinence education loosed a flurry of statistics, studies and anecdotes, but concluded yesterday with little moment on the contentious issue.” Furthermore the Government Accounting Office spokesperson acknowledged medical inaccuracies in federally funded abstinence materials, but said that Health and Human Services was working to correct them. But what was most shocking is that she said that more data was being collected because the information thus far, “is insufficient for the GAO to draw conclusions about the programs’ effectiveness.” Just how many millions more dollars does it take to show that children are having babies and sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise? The irony of the Congressional approval of the legislation is that their own mandated evaluation by Mathematica Policy Research Inc. shows that abstinence education has little impact on teen sexual practice and age of first sexual experience, just under 15. Last year Women’s News reported the candidates’ stand on the legislation. Hillary Clinton has gone on record for abstinence-plus – which essentially acknowledges respect for delaying sexual activity and viewing sex as part of an intimacy process with a view towards lifelong commitment. However, the plus means also teaching about safe sex and the use of contraception. Barack Obama is an advocate of age-appropriate comprehensive sex education. John McCain who now favors abstinence-only at one time favored comprehensive sex education and Mike Huckabee was a proponent of abstinence-only. What is the real message of abstinence education? Proponents would like to see children place more value on marriage and family than on sex. That’s a good message. But tax dollars should not be funding it. However, I would be pleased to see money spent on programs that instill passion and intimacy – not through sex, but through art, dance, and music. And I would favor funding for model family programs where children might learn to talk about ethics, feelings, relationships, and the value of intimacy and friendship. My grandmother taught us about family at the dining room table. There we shared thoughts, celebrated joys, and learned to decipher the meaning of a sigh, a half smile, an unspoken sadness. Today we live in a world of fragmented families often on treadmills racing against activities and time. There are few role models. But that doesn’t absolve us from our responsibilities as parents. Sex is a part of growing up. And it is up to us, not the Congress, to teach our children to grow up responsibly and respectfully of others as well as themselves. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Putting Women First

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/opinion/oped/bal-op.palin14sep14,0,4638337.story

Cougars, Cougars, Ready to GO

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
http://www.ritawatson.com/?p=394#more-394

Vets Needs Our Help on Heath and Relationship Havoc

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

More Lies, More Cheating

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Men and women may cheat because they are angry, hurt, disenchanted, or feeling unloved. Here are reasons that men cheat. Kevin Haynes for LifeScript gives six reasons: Her looks changed. She’s become a ball buster. He wants thrills. He has the wanderlust. It’s the monogamy problem. It’s just about sex. Six Reasons Men Cheat “The Affairs of Men” by Phillip Weiss in New York magazine asks a key question — “Is monogamy outdated?” The article is good and interesting reading. The Affairs of Men six reasons: Her looks changed. She’s become a ball buster. He wants thrills. He has the wanderlust. It’s the monogamy problem. It’s just about sex. Six Reasons Men Cheat Why people cheat: Rhonda Fine, PhD, a clinical sexologist and diplomate of The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists says, “There are a variety of reasons why people cheat, and it’s not always about the sex. People cheat because they’re selfish, immature or narcissistic. Or they’re excitement junkies and attracted to the drama. They put their needs ahead of others and rarely blame themselves why they cheated in the first place.” To find out more go to Cheating Facts and Myths on AOL Cheating may not necessarily be the end of a relationship — it may be the wake up call. The research shows that a partner who cheats often needs companionship more than sex. WebMD: Nipping an Affair in the Bud Madonna and Sex Siren: In answer to the boredom problem, my hairdresser may have the answer to keep men from straying. “All men secretly desire a Madonna to the world and a sex siren in the bedroom. They want variety. And if we want to keep them from straying, we should play whatever role suits their fancy.”   Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Better health, better sex

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
http://www.webmd.com/video/better-sex-exercises

Are we having enough sex

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Video Sex and the City

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Text text

Sex or Sleep?

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/09/23/o.what.now.my.love/index.html

Paul Newman: The Man

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Managing Stress with or without Medication: Everyone knows stress these days. We know it at the gas pump. When our bills arrive. When our savings plummet. Read the rest of this entry » Mood Booster for Stressful Times
With all the political, social, and economic turmoil that we have been experiencing these days, it is time to boost your mood. Read the rest of this entry »
Loving and Hugging Can Ease Financial Stress
There are often stories about the value of human touch. During these tough financial times instead of wringing our hands, perhaps we should be reaching out. Read the rest of this entry »
A Good Book, Sex, Forgiveness Helps Sleep Even in Crisis Whether it takes a good book, good music, or good sex to send you off to dreamland, do what it takes — even if you have to forgive someone! Read the rest of this entry » Nancy Pelosi: Honey not Castor Oil 'Nancy Pelosi’s words before the bail out vote yesterday reminded me of a scene from The Blues Brothers. Read the rest of this entry » A Kiss of Friendship,a Kiss of Danger, and Cheating: Sometimes a kiss is more than a kiss. Sometimes it turns into friends with benefits, and in some cases, it signals the beginning of a dangerous liaison. Read the rest of this entry »

Money, Marriage, Sex, and Stress

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
This is financial planning week. Each day this week I will point you to a website that will help you with some serious decisions, ranging from money to sex and stress. But first I am reprinting a column I wrote recently that captures the essense of many of the problems couples face when it comes to money. And then I am going to tell you about a few organizations that I will be highlighting this week as we discuss relationships and money.
Money, marriage, sex and secrets

MONEY DOESN’T CARE who owns it,” was a favorite saying of our Aunti Mame. She lived lavishly even during what she called “modest times.” Once we left the nest, we realized that Aunti was right. Money does not assure good taste or good manners. It does, however, provide comfort and sometimes freedom from stress. Nonetheless even in cushy two-income households money and sex (or lack thereof) are the top reasons for divorce. It seems that more sex buys more happiness than money can buy. Love and Money Survey: However, the 2008 “Love and Money” survey of 1,049 people found that over 73 percent of women viewed financial know-how as a more important factor in choosing a potential partner than attractiveness. Money Management International (MMI), the largest nonprofit credit counseling agency in the United States, conducted the survey. “The problem is that most couples don’t talk about money,” says Brooks P. Bartlett Sr., managing director of Lighthouse Financial Group, a division of Metlife. “We spoke with one couple during a rather sad divorce and the woman said to us, ‘Look around. Do you see all of this beauty? We can’t afford any of it. We are broke. I just learned about this and my husband is in denial!’ Bartlett added, “Couples need to have a plan for their money.” Suze Orman, author of The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom, is trying to help women and men cope with mounting debt and develop a relationship with and respect for their money. Then there is the Women’s Institute for Financial Education (WIFE.org), which offers sound advice as well as a tongue-in-cheek guide to translating what “he says” and “she says.” One young husband said, “Whenever we have an argument over money, my wife goes on a spending spree. Then even when I get over my anger and I try to talk with her rationally, I go from hearing ‘no make-up sex for you’ to the silent treatment.” What happens in this type of situation? Each will go to bed angry. Husband and wife won’t sleep. And the next day neither will have a clear enough head to talk about the issue. Carl W. Brazil, M.D., Ph.D, a neurologist at the College of Physicians and Surgeons at Columbia University, says that even losing an hour or two of sleep a night can compromise how a person processes information or uses information to make judgments. When two people marry, and they have their own money-management or-mismanagement styles, they might guard money or debt as if they were holding onto a secret significant other. Experts agree that making a list of what comes in and what goes out, and having a dialogue instead of tossing accusations at each other about spending habits are important for a sound financial foundation. Financial literacy is becoming a new slogan in our economy. The Business Council and the Conference Board Survey of Chief Executives released in February found that more than 85 percent of members see conditions in the U.S. economy as having deteriorated during the past six months, “and 77 percent expect that conditions will worsen in the next six months.” The Federal Reserve reported consumer debt topping $2.5 trillion in December, exclusive of mortgages. It is not surprising that the Associated Press said last week that people are saving less and borrowing more from their retirement accounts. Families are understandably worried. Bruce R. Hrovat, executive vice president and chief operating officer for Citizens Financial Group, has this advice: “Save consistently. Be consistent. Just save what you can and keep on saving. It’s the time value of money. Eventually it will add up.” Sunday, March 2, 2008 — Providence Journal (600 word adaptation)
http://www.fpaforfinancialplanning.org/WhatisFinancialPlanning/FinancialPlanningWeek/

Title

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Oct

11

Gay Marriage Ban Overturned and Online Marriage Hopes

Two marriage notes in the news, gay marriage ban overturned in Connecticut and online dating service launched in the UK which claims high marriage rates. Read the rest of this entry »

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Oct

10

Solving Your Money Affecting Relationship Problem

Filed Under (Decision skill)

The economy affects personal relationships as well as working relationships. A key question people are asking is “How do I begin to tackle the problems we are facing? Read the rest of this entry »

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Oct

09

Sex Brings Happiness, But Money Enhances Sex

Filed Under (Money, Sex)

Today may be the day to stop looking at the market, and have an adventurous and amorous fling. Read the rest of this entry »

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Oct

08

Money and Love Answers in Tough Relationship Times

Filed Under (Finances)

Therapists are telling us that the number one reason that couples are seeking counseling these days centers around money concerns. Read the rest of this entry »

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Oct

07

Decisions Affecting Your Relationship with Money

Filed Under (Finances, Relationships)

Today all couples and single people are worried about their finances and rightly so. Read the rest of this entry »

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Oct

06

Money, Marriage, Stress, and Sex

Filed Under (Finances, Love)

This is financial planning week. Each day this week I will point you to a website that will help you with some serious decisions, ranging from money to sex and stress. Read the rest of this entry »

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Married But Cheating

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Married but Cheating

Sunday, June 1, 2008 Providence Journal adaptation WHEN I WONDERED aloud, “Is infidelity a sin whose time has come?” my colleague retorted, “It never left!” Indeed, the string of politicians, sports figures and movie stars cheating on their wives is an endless parade of mea culpas. “Why do men cheat?” I asked Dr. Ruth Westheimer, psychosexual therapist, as faculty and fellows gathered for the Yale commencement this year. Her voice escalated. “It’s not only men! And put an exclamation point there. I have nothing more to say.” Just an hour earlier, a young National Guardsman told us that infidelity was on the rise with military wives. He said, “We now have a co-ed Army, and wives know that when their husbands are in Iraq these guys are going to cheat and so they do it also.” Despite what we hear about infidelity, the last major survey in 2006 conducted by Pew Research, an independent think tank, found that 88 percent of 1,502 persons interviewed said that a married person having an affair is morally wrong. Good statistics about infidelity are dated. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy in 2002 cited a study identifying some 15 percent of wives and 25 percent of husbands involved with extramarital affairs. Today numbers quoted are much higher, particularly after adding 15 percent of Internet users involved in “online infidelity,” undocumented numbers involved in emotional cheating with people they meet on the job, and Web sites that cater to “married but cheating” clientele. And guys, the word is out about Mistress Day, Feb. 13. What concerns me is the effect of infidelity and divorce on children. A new Dutch study reported on the effects of divorce with 2,149 boys and girls from 10 through 15. The Journal of Marriage and Family noted that girls, though not boys, were at high risk for depression in adolescence. With the damage that infidelity does to families and children, I thought the “sin” and dishonesty might be peaking and leveling off. A February article in the Journal of Sex Research was discouraging. The team is developing “a scale assessing sexual deception practices.” As if it wasn’t bad enough that students are lying about being faithful, 31 percent lied about the numbers of previous partners, and a whopping 69 percent failed to disclose having the human papilloma virus. Dr. Ruth emphatically reminded me of her concerns about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and AIDS. “Just watch. The numbers are going to start going up again,” she said. His and hers reasons that spouses cheat are similar: lack of intimacy and emotional fulfillment, the need for attention, a change in physical appearance, unkind words, and most especially, lack of communication. However, when infidelity is discovered, women tend be more forgiving than husbands, who are generally too angry to reconcile. Does religion help? Only for those attending church and not just parroting pious words. A new study from the Fuller Theological Seminary reported on 1,439 married participants. They found that those who talked “religious importance” but did not attend church regularly were more likely to have an affair than the churchgoers. When infidelity becomes an irreconcilable difference, women and children lose out financially. Mindful of the economics of divorce, one woman we know of was determined keep her marriage afloat despite a cheating husband. Taking a creative approach, she shocked him into resolving their differences. Just before he returned from a business trip, she posted a large sign on their front lawn. When he arrived back home, he found himself face to face with the words: “House for Sale — Husband Included.”

Lip sync morality

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
This is an article I had called "Lip-sync Morality", which appeared today in the New Haven Register as,   Broader approach needed on protection of life. I drafted the legislation with Roz Liss and Richard Schottenfeld and spent the better part of a semester lobbying for its passage. Despite strong opposition, and hours of negotiation, it passed uninamimously. One correction: officially I am a nationally syndicated blogger: Rita Watson: Relationships at www.ritawatson.com whose Providence Journal columns go   national through United Media and Scripps Howard News. Service.

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Relationship Columns

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Cheating, Diamonds, Furs, and Forgiveness

Red Hot and Sexy Tips to Keep Him from Cheating

Cheating Spouses, Snooping Spouses, Blaming Professors

Cheating, Cyber-sex, and Secrets

How Divorce Hurts Families and Taxpayers

A Look at Lip-Sync Morality

Cheating, Diamonds, Furs, and Forgiveness Red Hot and Sexy Tips to Keep Him from Cheating Cheating Spouses, Snooping Spouses, Blaming Professors

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
World News, Rita Watson, Money Woes France Observer, Rita Watson, Money Woes SearchString=Rita+Watson&language=English&template=franceobserver%2Findex.txt&action=search&first=0

How to Predict Heart Attacks

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Rita Watson: How to predict heart attacks

01:00 AM EDT on Sunday, May 4, 2008

RITA WATSON

WHEN IT COMES to choosing happiness over hostility, those who wear rose-colored glasses are less prone to illness and more likely to ward off depression and heart attacks than curmudgeons. Furthermore, members of the newly reported “sex-starved wives club” have a shot at intimacy if they can switch from criticizing and nagging to feeling better about themselves. Lifestyle and attitude changes pay off. Getting married, expanding one’s social network, practicing stress management and taking exercise seriously are true mood boosters.

It’s May and over 2 million couples are making plans to walk down the aisle. June brides are thinking bliss or becoming “bridezillas” while grooms are on a roller-coaster. Both parties are dismissing the fact that some 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce. Nonetheless, couples keep on marrying. The May 2007 National Population Heath Survey of Canada, following 20,000 couples, found that when couples are ending a marriage their depression rates nearly double.

Mayo Clinic researchers report that depression affects about 6 million American men and 12 million American women each year. It is not surprising that many more men than women go undiagnosed. “I just go out drinking with the guys when I’m feeling low” is an often heard response. Sad to say, alcohol heaven quickly reverts to hangover hell.

The relationship between depression and illness became starkly evident with a trend that began to emerge about 10 years ago. A National Task Force on Women and Depression found that physical symptoms of stress were often work-related and became the body’s way of saying “Enough.” Illness masked depression, with heart attacks taking center stage. Today 38 percent of women and 25 percent of men will have died of the disease within a year of a first recognized heart attack.

It isn’t just overt stress that is harmful to one’s health, but also stress combined with anger. Last fall it was reported in the Annals of Family Medicine . anger in middle-aged men and long-term stress in men and women . that “. predicted the progression from pre-hypertension to hypertension and incident coronary heart disease.”

Even the subtle stress of an unfulfilling job, sitting in traffic each day, or a crashing marriage can trigger toxic cynicism. And stress suppresses the immune system and can become a predictor for early aging, according to Bruce McEwen, Ph.D., of Rockefeller University, in New York.

Studies at Duke University noted that a consistently cynical tone of voice predicts heart attacks “like gangbusters.” For couples, the words “How many times have I told you?” might be a quick route to either the morgue or divorce court. It can’t be that difficult to remember the old biblical saying, “A gentle word is the tree of life.” Author Michele Weiner-Davis, who just wrote The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He’s Lost Desire, notes that kind words might be the best aphrodisiac. Here is where exercise might reverse negativity, help one’s heart, and save one’s relationship.

A study reported last year in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine found that men and women who were depressed felt better in four months after exercising and felt almost as good as those taking medication. Of those who felt better: 47 percent were on an anti-depressant, 45 percent were in an exercise group, 40 percent exercised at home, and 31 percent were on a placebo.

Exercise keeps melancholy at bay; so does human companionship. Couples often start out as best friends, yet, in an overcommitted world of social obligations and work, they seldom make enough time for themselves and their families. When did patience, forgiveness and love get replaced by accusations, bickering and sexual holdouts? Therapists are pointing a finger at laptops and televisions in the bedroom.

However, there appears to be an “Ommmm” movement in the making to enhance love play. Yoga for partners coupled with sensual moves and vigorous sex are being touted as better than exercise alone. Exercising two to five times a week for 30 – 40 minutes will help chase the blues away. But “Sexercise” is said to ease stress, boost cardiovascular health, fight aging and strengthen the immune system. To help kittens, cougars, lovers and spouses Cosmopolitan has created at least 67 naughty tricks and tips for sizzling sex that might also give you a laugh. When it comes to happiness over hostility, love over anger, health over heartaches – we have some enticing choices.

Rita Watson ( www.ritawatson.com) is a monthly contributor

Heart Attacks - When Relationships End

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Rita Watson: How to predict heart attacks

01:00 AM EDT on Sunday, May 4, 2008

RITA WATSON

WHEN IT COMES to choosing happiness over hostility, those who wear rose-colored glasses are less prone to illness and more likely to ward off depression and heart attacks than curmudgeons. Furthermore, members of the newly reported "sex-starved wives club" have a shot at intimacy if they can switch from criticizing and nagging to feeling better about themselves. Lifestyle and attitude changes pay off. Getting married, expanding one's social network, practicing stress management and taking exercise seriously are true mood boosters.

It's May and over 2 million couples are making plans to walk down the aisle. June brides are thinking bliss or becoming "bridezillas" while grooms are on a roller-coaster. Both parties are dismissing the fact that some 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce. Nonetheless, couples keep on marrying. The May 2007 National Population Heath Survey of Canada, following 20,000 couples, found that when couples are ending a marriage their depression rates nearly double.

Mayo Clinic researchers report that depression affects about 6 million American men and 12 million American women each year. It is not surprising that many more men than women go undiagnosed. "I just go out drinking with the guys when I'm feeling low" is an often heard response. Sad to say, alcohol heaven quickly reverts to hangover hell.

The relationship between depression and illness became starkly evident with a trend that began to emerge about 10 years ago. A National Task Force on Women and Depression found that physical symptoms of stress were often work-related and became the body's way of saying "Enough." Illness masked depression, with heart attacks taking center stage. Today 38 percent of women and 25 percent of men will have died of the disease within a year of a first recognized heart attack.

It isn't just overt stress that is harmful to one's health, but also stress combined with anger. Last fall it was reported in the Annals of Family Medicine . anger in middle-aged men and long-term stress in men and women . that ". predicted the progression from pre-hypertension to hypertension and incident coronary heart disease."

Even the subtle stress of an unfulfilling job, sitting in traffic each day, or a crashing marriage can trigger toxic cynicism. And stress suppresses the immune system and can become a predictor for early aging, according to Bruce McEwen, Ph.D., of Rockefeller University, in New York.

Studies at Duke University noted that a consistently cynical tone of voice predicts heart attacks "like gangbusters." For couples, the words "How many times have I told you?" might be a quick route to either the morgue or divorce court. It can't be that difficult to remember the old biblical saying, "A gentle word is the tree of life." Author Michele Weiner-Davis, who just wrote The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire, notes that kind words might be the best aphrodisiac. Here is where exercise might reverse negativity, help one's heart, and save one's relationship.

A study reported last year in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine found that men and women who were depressed felt better in four months after exercising and felt almost as good as those taking medication. Of those who felt better: 47 percent were on an anti-depressant, 45 percent were in an exercise group, 40 percent exercised at home, and 31 percent were on a placebo.

Exercise keeps melancholy at bay; so does human companionship. Couples often start out as best friends, yet, in an overcommitted world of social obligations and work, they seldom make enough time for themselves and their families. When did patience, forgiveness and love get replaced by accusations, bickering and sexual holdouts? Therapists are pointing a finger at laptops and televisions in the bedroom.

However, there appears to be an "Ommmm" movement in the making to enhance love play. Yoga for partners coupled with sensual moves and vigorous sex are being touted as better than exercise alone. Exercising two to five times a week for 30 - 40 minutes will help chase the blues away. But "Sexercise" is said to ease stress, boost cardiovascular health, fight aging and strengthen the immune system. To help kittens, cougars, lovers and spouses Cosmopolitan has created at least 67 naughty tricks and tips for sizzling sex that might also give you a laugh. When it comes to happiness over hostility, love over anger, health over heartaches - we have some enticing choices.

Rita Watson ( www.ritawatson.com) is a monthly contributor

Love and Laughter Videos, Week in Review

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Laughter as the Best Medicine, Video Love and Laughter with News Anchor in Hysterics Love with the Laughter of Leo Buscaglia Love, Just Love and Beetles Video Link Money Woes Make for Grumpy Couples, Take Love Time Love Bits: Sex, Fun, Red and Happy

Passive-Agressive, A Love Deal-Breaker

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Rita Watson: Overdrive in the passive-aggressive lane

11:11 AM EDT on Monday, August 20, 2007
RITA WATSON THE DISCUSSION was animated. Men. Sex. Cars. Relationships. Yet when I announced that I wanted to be the “Sex in the City for Men Only” columnist, right after our Bill and Monica debate, silence slammed into me. Finally the dear professor quizzed: “What do you know about the subject?” I calmly recounted that I’ve raised sons, spent years as one of the guys at The New York Times, plus 10 years in psychology and psychiatry at Yale. But I also realized that I can write about the subject because I can talk about it. Growing up in a working world of men, we talked often about relationships, generally after I made an analogy between cars and sex — without blushing. The next day, I would receive a phone call inviting me to lunch. We would begin with complaints about editors and deadlines. Then across the table I would see a slight turn of the head, clenched jaw, and hunched shoulders. He might even loosen his tie. Finally a lowered voice would say, “We are having this problem. . . .” Somehow, we could talk freely until we came too close to the real issue — sexual needs versus understanding. Then it was back to wishing for the luxury that eluded us in Manhattan, owning a car. Cars are a safe subject. Men will spend as many hours looking at car ads as women will spend reading “What Men Really Want in Bed.” Even magazines for men now tout “What Women Really Want in Bed.” Men may skim them but don’t take the messages seriously because there is little substance to the broad strokes of “He Wants, She Wants.” Car writers get right down to the details. For the adventuresome there are sports cars: from the Infiniti G37 at $35,000 to the Mercedes CLK63 Black Series at about $75,000. For a fantasy, there is the 2008 Ferrari F430 Scuderia at $220,000. Family men have choices ranging from the Chevy HHR to the heavy Scion XB wagon. Whether or not a man plans to buy a new car is irrelevant. The articles cover specifics. A man knows that what he reads, sees, test drives, and eventually buys is what he gets. When something goes wrong, he has the repair manual and a maintenance schedule. Relationships are not that clear-cut. Men so often say, “After we were married, something changed, mostly our sex life.” I would like to believe that as women we are not leopards changing our spots. Yet even Boston Legal featured Denny Crane learning that his fifth wife was planning on retiring him to Hawaii minutes after saying, “I do.” It would be ideal if the sexes could talk about expectations and perceptions. But it doesn’t happen that way. Perhaps men are just “wired” differently than women. When a man comes home from work, a woman may ask with sincerity, “How was your day?” But he doesn’t want to talk about it. Many women in offices are disillusioned with the workforce. Yet, they bring the office home with them and want to talk about conflicts, confrontations, and demands. Chances are he doesn’t want to hear about it, at least not immediately. Then the accusation comes at him: “You never talk to me.” As we shift into a 24/7 Blackberry, laptop and two-paycheck society, there are too many couples on overdrive moving into the passive-aggressive or snipe-at-each-other lane. When a car shows signs of stress, or needs a tune-up, men handle it immediately. There is a problem and men fix it. In a relationship, who is responsible for the tune up? Perhaps women should take the lead. Although men today are more involved in parenting and family than our fathers were, women have that sixth sense. Research at Yale indicates that women have so keen an intuition that they sense a relationship problem at its inception. If men and women could develop their intuitive skills and interpret the silences, downcast eyes, uncomfortable moments and body language, perhaps more relationships could be saved. Or should women be using their gift to cultivate non-judgmental spaces within the home? In an atmosphere with no hidden agendas, just simple clarity, both parties would benefit. When home is a sanctuary, men might find saying, “Can we talk?” is as easy as test driving a car. Rita Watson, a Providence-based writer, is senior editor for a nonprofit health organization.

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

The Commitment Crisis in the Age of the Cougar



Living together is up. Marriage is down. Cougars are in command. Young women are lying for love. The average marriage lasts just seven years.   Twenty million marriages are sexless. One man in every three is cheating on his wife because he does not feel appreciated.



My great-grandmother was the forerunner of all cougars in knowing how to love and please a man. When she died at 104, her young lover of 80 was broken-hearted. They had shared a long life together after she gave birth to 10 children, was widowed, and remained in Italy even after all of her children came to America.



Almost every woman I meet dreams of the bliss of my "a Nonna." We all imagine Prince Charming as we repeat from memory Patrick Dempsey's proposal on Grey's Anatomy: "I love you. I want to marry you. I want you to have our children. I want to grow old with you. And I want us to die in each other's arms."



So why is it that so many women say they want "happily ever after" but put their careers first? Or meet a man and try to make him over to meet their needs?

Why do we relish Cosmo's 127 new sex secrets then make up rules such as, "No sex because you never listen to me," which means you could not decipher my hidden agenda.

In Great Britain, Cougar marriages are up more than 25% and why is that? Men dating cougars say: "They make time for us. They are no longer clawing up the corporate ladder or taking care of children. Also post-menopausal women are passionate and sexy."

Without reverting to the age of women waiting on men, we may all need to take a page from the book that encourages mutual love, support, and forgiveness.



Given my research over the past year I would be pleased to talk with you about a book proposal based on the following:

•§         Rita Watson: Relationships, daily writings nationally syndicated via Newstex and my newspaper columns distributed through Scripps Howard News Service.

•§         Commentary by William Sledge, MD, Yale Professor of Psychiatry, Acting Chair, and Medical Director of Yale New Haven Psychiatric Hospital

My blog is www.ritawatson.com which has my biography and other links.

My columns for the Providence Journal (Scripps Howard News Service and World News Network) are as follows:
Money Woes Make for Grumpy Couples, Marrying their Mrs. Robinson (Cougar Love and Longevity) Neuroimaging and Love Lies Cheating, chemo, commitment Of DNA and Desire New Rules for Open Marriage Married but Cheating (Ask Dr. Ruth: Infidelity on the Rise) How To Predict Heart Attacks (Sexercise: Avoiding Heart Attack Begins with Gentle Word) Hormones, Spring Fever, and Sex Money, Marriage, Sex and Secrets Challenges for Returning Soldiers: Havoc with Heath and Relationships Ways to Avoid Cell Phone Smashing (When Relationships End, a Tibetan Ritual for Healing) Cars, Desire, and Joy (Try transdermal testosterone - Take time to cut holiday stress ) When sex trumps the king Sex and smiling seniors Sexual shutout in hidden agenda hell Overdrive in the passive-aggressive lane Heart and Flowers: Making Valentine's Day, Children's Day If it floats your boat / editorial Words that harm, words that heal




Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Rita Watson Bio

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Relationship Columns

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Keeping An Eye on Happiness

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Is well-being U-shaped over the life cycle?

References and further reading may be available for this article. To view references and further reading you must purchase this article.

David G. Blanchflower^a^,^b^,^c and Andrew J. Oswald^d^,^,^,

^aDepartment of Economics, Dartmouth College, USA ^bDepartment of Economics, University of Stirling, UK ^cMonetary Policy Committee, Bank of England, UK ^dWarwick University, Coventry, UK

Available online 7 March 2008.

Abstract
We present evidence that psychological well-being is U-shaped through life. A difficulty with research on this issue is that there are likely to be omitted cohort effects (earlier generations may have been born in, say, particularly good or bad times). First, using data on 500,000 randomly sampled Americans and West Europeans, the paper designs a test that can control for cohort effects. Holding other factors constant, we show that a typical individual's happiness reaches its minimum – on both sides of the Atlantic and for both males and females – in middle age. Second, evidence is provided for the existence of a similar U-shape through the life-course in East European, Latin American and Asian nations. Third, a U-shape in age is found in separate well-being regression equations in 72 developed and developing nations. Fourth, using measures that are closer to psychiatric scores, we document a comparable well-being curve across the life cycle in 2 other data sets (1) in GHQ-N6 mental health levels among a sample of 16,000 Europeans, and (2) in reported depression-and-anxiety levels among 1 million UK citizens. Fifth, we discuss some apparent exceptions, particularly in developing nations, to the U-shape. Sixth, we note that American male birth-cohorts seem to have become progressively less content with their lives. Our results are based on regression equations in which other influences, such as demographic variables and income, are held constant.
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/569598 http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/22/science/22conv.html?_r=1 And a good exercise link. Choosing happiness over hostility is within you.   A reminder about the Walking Challenge. A Walking Exercise Other techniques to manage anger include excusing yourself from volatile predicaments, saying, “I’ll get back to you on that” or, when pressed for an answer you know will create more anger, learning to say, “I need some time to think about this.” Of course, there’s always that old standby; counting to 10. According to Susan Everson, Ph.D., of the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, cynical distrust I s the “toxic component” of anger. Everson studied more than 2,000 Finnish men, asking whether they agreed or disagreed with statements such as “No one really cares as much about what happens to you” and “I think most people would like to get ahead.” She found that those who turned out to be the most cynical were also likely to have unhealthy lifestyles. They smoked more, drank more, and exercised less. What can you do to get over this type of negative behavior? Wise advice comes from Redford Williams, M.D., of Duke University in Durham, North Carolina, who uncovered the link between heart disease and the hostility and anger of Type A behavior. When you find yourself in a situation that triggers hostility and anger, Williams suggests that you ask yourself whether the situation is important enough to be worth continuing you attention, whether your reaction is appropriate to the situation, and whether you can change the situation. Most times, he notes, the answer to all three questions will be no. So find alternative responses, and back off. Sure, you know that your mood is better after you’ve had a good laugh, but did you know that your health may improve, too? Remember Psalm 17- “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.” Medical research has caught up. Studies reported by Lee Berk, M.D., a neurologist at Loma Linda University in California, and his team, as well as other researchers, show that laughter prompts changes in the body that may help the immune and endocrine systems to function better. Laughter increases the number and activity of cells that help us fight disease and decreases stress-related hormones. The nice thing about laughter is that it’s contagious, according to Robert Provine, Ph.D., of the University of Maryland. When you hear other people laugh, you tend to laugh too. Provine suggests that laughter does something special to our brains to trigger the laugh sounds in us. So for the sake of your health, if you don’t find the nightly sitcoms funny, rent some of your favorite old movies ; or call a friend to share your latest joke.

Your Health and Deal Breakers in Review

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

In writing about relationships, I often focus on intimacy, friendship, forgiveness, and sex. But as we enter into a new stressed-up era it is time to take a look at our health and how health factors into relationships at home, at work, and with your health decisions.

As a reminder for those who are feeling low, there are alternate ways to feel better than simply popping a pill prescribed by your family doctor. I'll report on a study that showed that exercise worked almost as well as mood enhancing medication.

Today we are seeing more people experiencing sleeplessness and stress - which also are depression triggers. Here where Ambian and Lunesta and Tylenol PM might be your first reach. But before you do so, read this article which talks about a major problem that follows sleeplessness -the ability to focus.

Here is a link to a story in Real Simple magazine, which was also featured this week on CNN regarding attention span and focusing. Tune up that Brain

Starting Monday, Rita Watson: Relationships will expand into your relationship with your health, your physicians, your work, and your creative imagination.

But first, here is the Week in Review Round-up:

Love Deal-breakers and Word Power

Sniping at Each Other, A Love Deal Breaker

Red Flags, Children, and Unkind Words: Love's Deal Breakers

Text Messaging Can Mean Love, Danger, or a Deal Breaker

Husband Snatchers aka the Male Poachers

LoveBits: Your Body, Sex Tips 1894 and 2008, and The Pastor

Women Call the Shots

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
http://pewsocialtrends.org/pubs/717/gender-power

for Friday

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
http://www.creators.com/lifestylefeatures/inside-relationships-jan-denise/get-your-deal-breakers-out-in-the-open.html Well-being, Happiness, and Forced Marriage Email | Print | Share | Reprints | Single Page | Recommend (0) [-] Text [+] Better relationships When close relationships based on intimacy and trust go wrong, whether they're sexual or not, it affects our mental and emotional wellbeing deeply. http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/mental_health/emotion_well.shtml

WellbeingJames Tighe Happiness, wellbeing, contentment, harmony, enjoyment and peace don't all mean the same thing, but they all suggest self-esteem and a positive outlook on life.

In this article

Secrets of everyday wellbeing Self-esteem

Secrets of everyday wellbeing Someone once said the secret of happiness is having someone to love, something to do and something to look forward to. There's probably some truth in this, although it doesn't mean you have to have an adoring spouse or partner, a high-powered job and a world cruise coming up to enjoy life. The 'someone to love' could be a friend, relative or pet, and the 'something to do' and 'something to look forward to' could be just about anything you enjoy. Self-reflection The first step towards dealing with difficulties in your relationships is to look at your relationship with yourself. This might sound odd if you haven't thought about it before, but we all bring experiences, thoughts, expectations and needs to our relationships. You need a reasonable understanding of how this 'emotional baggage', as it's known, is contributing to problems in your relationship - and you can gain this using simple exercises in self-reflection. When you are in a difficult situation it is always helpful to Confront without being confrontational -- use humor if it will help Take a minute - to define the problem Assess the situation at hand - and how yoou would like to see it resolve Consider the alternatives - each others Take a stand and followthrough - you have to agree on a win-win situation and maybe it is won't work in the long run, but you need to start someplace. http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/mental_health/support_relations.shtml

Compatibility

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
One friend told me that oftentimes younger women "are looking for a meal ticket." That may have been true at one time, but Internet dating sites are reporting that younger women are more reluctant to date older men these days. Only about 25% of women are looking to date men 10 years older. Chicks-Dig-Younger looking-Men Whereas the BBC reports an increase in marriages between younger men and older women. So perhaps love and romance is really about values and qualities that you respect in another. I can't stress values often enough. Read the postings under "Lies" to the right under Categories.   However to find out your compatibility regardless of age, take this quiz.  Ageless Love Quiz.

Friendship and Love

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

The Waitress

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Acts of Kindness and Healing Touch

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
This year Christmas and Hanukkah seem to be entwined. This is a time when individuals reestablish within their hearts and with family and friends their relationship to tradition and belief. The Festival of Lights began at sundown this Sunday.   and this evening in Christian tradition churches throughout the nation held candles and sang to commemorate the birth of a child in a manager. A group of us attended the First Baptist Church of Providence, RI this evening to sing, light candles, and to hear the words of our neighbor Rev. Dan Ivins. He had an interesting perspective on Christmas.   He told a story of a man who took his teen-age wife with him to Bethlehem to protect her from the gossip of those wondering about the young woman with child.   While many have looked at the inn-keeper as a man who would not open his doors to the young couple, he told of a man who gave a young couple the quiet and privacy of birth celebrated in song and in liturgy even today as “the newborn king.” According to About.com, “The festival of Hanukkah (also spelled Chanukah) was established to commemorate the Jewish Maccabees' military victory over the Greek-Syrians and the rededication of the Second Temple, which had been desecrated by the Greek-Syrians, to the worship of God. Thus, Hanukkah is a celebration of Jewish national survival and religious freedom. http://judaism.about.com/od/chanukah/a/abouthanukkah.htm Here are two special program from NPR with links so that you might listen to each. A Hanukkah Lights celebration and a Jazz Piano Christmas Celebration. NPR.org, December 3, 2008 · An NPR holiday tradition for nearly two decades, Hanukkah Lights presents brand new fiction to celebrate and illuminate the holiday season — moving tales of discovery and reconciliation, the persistence of hope and the promise of undimmed light — read by Susan Stamberg and Murray Horwitz. 'The Latke Maven' by Gerald Shapiro 'My Hanukkah Gift' by Farideh Goldin 'Holiday' by Steve Stern 'Lotte Returns!' by Aryeh Lev Stollman http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=97669685 NPR.org, December 12, 2008 - This year, there's a Latin tinge to NPR's holiday music tradition. The 19th annual A Jazz Piano Christmas features three of the most respected names in Latin jazz: pianists Arturo O'Farrill, Eliane Elias and Rebeca Mauleon. An up-and-coming piano talent joins the celebration, too: Angel Echevarria, 19, grew up listening to salsa music in New York City. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=98183538 After reading Froma Harrop's column today on giving thanks and expressing gratitude, I begin looking into stories about kindness on the Internet.   First I came across this on FOX NEWS, " An Indiana Pizza Hut waitress with dreams of college received a much-needed boost in arriving at that goal: a $10,000 tip." She was given the money by a family who appreciated how well she treated them.  One day, "They told her of their plans to move from the small city about 40 miles north of Fort Wayne. Osborne asked them to come say goodbye to her before they left town. They returned Sunday night. . . . They handed Osborne a check. . . ."  http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,289242,00.html I then made a visit to the Acts of Kindness website and found two quotes to live by. from author Henry James: Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind. from Winston Churchill: We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.

Author:

Winston Churchill

Highlights: Couples and Money, Women’s Voices, Men’s Needs

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Friendship Comments and Keeping the Family Peace

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
I loved Christina's story. It hit close to home in a way. When I was much younger, I lent my girlfriend $5,000 to help her with a down payment on a condo. I never saw that money again and it ruined the friendship for me. I should have followed the advice of my parents and Polonius about being neither a borrower nor a lender. But, I decide on a corollary after that experience--"Be a Giver." If I had given the money as a gift, we might still be friends. The price of our friendship was a measly $5,000.

Amy Nathan on December 3rd, 2008 at 4:25 pm #

We begin different chapters of our lives with such fervor, belief and hope. We often come to the end of those chapters resigned, sometimes beaten. But we are always wiser. I look forward to more.

marguarita on December 3rd, 2008 at 7:59 pm #

I read this with some sadness. “She stopped talking about her husband.” For all those wishing for a second marriage, there is something bittersweet about the words. I like the idea of Women’s Voice and a short story!

Lois on December 3rd, 2008 at 8:51 pm #

Interesting to read this perspective on this site. I love the idea of Women’s Voices, it gives us a “face” to put to some of Rita’s comments regarding today’s relationships. Really nice, the two really compliment each other in my opinion.

Milli on December 3rd, 2008 at 9:40 pm #

Yes! To Christina Gombar. And to Rita, for introducing her to us. I was deeply drawn into and moved by this “chapter” and look forward to what I hope will, ultimately, be the resolve, in Faded Memory.
Friendship"

Milli on December 4th, 2008 at 8:03 pm #

Yikes! This is sad. People do weird things, while in the throughs of grief. I’m hoping Julie snaps out of it.

Milli on December 5th, 2008 at 9:01 pm #

Wow! In the words of Joan Baez: we both know what memories can bring…they bring Diamonds and Rust.

Milli on December 7th, 2008 at 9:35 pm #

To tell you the truth; I haven’t given up on Julie. And I hope Christina hasn’t either. True. SOME relationships have “Expiration Dates.” But those worth their salt, as it were, will keep surprising you! I think it has something to do with becoming grownups! Becky on December 4th, 2008 at 10:05 am #

This was beautiful, as usual with your work Christina. It reminds me that sometimes people are so relieved to get a divorce that they forget what a tragedy it is. A friend is getting a divorce and every time I go to the family’s old house, where our sons spent so many happy hours playing, I feel as though some kind of funeral service is in order.

PEW Center

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/12/09/national/main4657805.shtml Join The Impact, the online community that launched protests last month over the passage of gay marriage bans in California, Florida and Arizona, has urged people to withdraw $80 from their bank accounts Wednesday to demonstrate gays' spending power, and to devote the time they might otherwise spend watching TV or surfing the Internet to volunteer work. Witeck-Combs Communications, a public relations firm in Washington that specializes in the gay and lesbian market, published a study this year that estimated that gay and lesbian consumers spend $700 billion annually. Bob Witeck, the firm's chief executive officer, said it would be difficult to measure the success of Wednesday's strike since gay employees occupy so many fields. And rather than suspending all consumer spending for the day, gay rights supporters would have a bigger impact if they devoted their dollars to gay-friendly businesses year-round, Witeck said. http://news.aol.com/article/activists-promote-call-in-gay-day/271704
Witeck-Combs Communications, a public relations firm in Washington that specializes in the gay and lesbian market, published a study this year that estimated that gay and lesbian consumers spend $700 billion annually.

Bob Witeck, the firm's chief executive officer, said it would be difficult to measure the success of Wednesday's strike since gay employees occupy so many fields. And rather than suspending all consumer spending for the day, gay rights supporters would have a bigger impact if they devoted their dollars to gay-friendly businesses year-round, Witeck said.

http://jointheimpact.com/

http://www.daywithoutagay.org/

http://www.state.gov/secretary/rm/2008/12/112974.htm

http://www.wsbtv.com/news/8225863/detail.html

Latino Community Protests With "Day For Latino Dignity"
Friday, March 24, 2006 – updated: 5:26 pm EST March 24, 2006
ATLANTA -- Jose Castro says there is something different today about Buford Highway, well known for its many Hispanic and other ethnic businesses.
Standing at a bus stop, Castro -- who is from Mexico -- says the area in metro Atlanta is missing its usual hustle and bustle today. Immigrant communities encouraged a work stoppage to protest a bill passed by the Georgia House yesterday that allows sweeping changes to the state's immigration policies. Some estimate that as many as 800,000 would take part in the protest. The bill, which must still be approved by the state Senate before going to Governor Perdue, would deny state services to adults living in the U.S. illegally and impose a five percent surcharge on wire transfers from illegals. http://www.galeo.org/agenda.php?agenda_id=0000000079
http://washington.bizjournals.com/atlanta/stories/2006/04/17/daily8.html --Gov. Sonny Perdue has signed a much-debated bill targeting illegal immigrants and their employers, less than three weeks after the GOP-controlled Georgia General Assembly sent the measure to his desk.
In those three weeks, immigrants turned out across the nation to protest federal legislation on the issue, and tens of thousands demonstrated April 10 in Atlanta against Georgia Senate Bill 529 by state Sen. Chip Rogers (R-Woodstock), which Perdue signed Monday. "This new law sends a clear message that Georgia encourages and welcomes only legal immigration," Rogers said after the signing. "The laws of the land should apply equally to everyone -- whether it's employment or taxpayer benefits." http://people-press.org/report/274/americas-immigration-quandary http://www.denverpost.com/search/ci_7833870 Immigration Divides Peiole and Families as Importation
another place at the table | how the gay and lesbian civil-rights movement is changing america

Immigration law divides gay couples

Partners left to make painful choice

By Lisa Kennedy The Denver Post

Updated: 12/31/2007 09:23:30 AM MST

http://people-press.org/report/274/americas-immigration-quandary

Pew CenmterThe Center is an independent opinion research group that studies attitudes toward the press, politics and public policy issues. We are best known for regular national surveys that measure public attentiveness to major news stories, and for our polling that charts trends in values and fundamental political and social attitudes. Formerly, the Times Mirror Center for the People & the Press (1990-1995), we are now sponsored by The Pew Charitable Trusts and are one of seven projects that make up the Pew Research Center, a nonpartisan "fact tank" that provides information on the issues, attitudes and trends shaping America and the world.
The Center's purpose is to serve as a forum for ideas on the media and public policy through public opinion research. In this role it serves as an important information resource for political leaders, journalists, scholars, and public interest organizations. All of our current survey results are made available free of

Seeking Happiness with Pills and Coping Skills

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Internet over Sex and Paris models

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Survey: Many would take Internet over sex

       Story Highlights

       Survey: Nearly half of women would forgo sex rather than give up Internet access

       More women than men would be willing to give up sex, the survey found

       The survey, commissioned by Intel, queried 2,119 adults in the U.S. last month

       Most adults also would forgo two weeks of TV over one week of Internet use

       Next Article in Technology »

By Dawn Kawamoto http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/12/15/internet.sex.survey/index.html        Survey: Nearly half of women would forgo sex rather than give up Internet access        More women than men would be willing to give up sex, the survey found        The survey, commissioned by Intel, queried 2,119 adults in the U.S. last month        Most adults also would forgo two weeks of TV over one week of Internet use Of course when it comes to TV, perhaps size matters, at least according to a different survey earlier this year of Britons conducted by electronics retailer Comet. Almost half of the men polled said they would give up sex for six months in return for a 50-inch plasma TV, according to Reuters. http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSTRE4BE59V20081215
Nude models brave Paris cold to protest low pay
Mon Dec 15, 2008 1:34pm EST By James Mackenzie
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PARIS (Reuters) - Artists' models in Paris stripped naked on Monday, braving freezing temperatures to protest against a ban on tips and to demand better pay and recognition.

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

The six most asked questions with Madoff

http://money.cnn.com/2008/12/18/news/six_madoff_questions.fortune/index.htm?postversion=2008121913

http://www.projo.com/lifebeat/markpatinkin/Mark21_12-21-08_14CMDM7_v11.22c4b74.html

Slate's Guide to Financial Scams

http://www.slate.com/id/2206859/

Mark Patinkin of Providence Journal -- has no sympathy for the big losers -- colluders?

Why the Madoff scam is big

http://www.thebigmoney.com/articles/news/2008/12/16/madoff-madness

Scarlet A's

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Handing Out Scarlet Letters

By Andrea Sachs;Anne Hopkins/New York Monday, Oct. 01, 1990

When James Jakubowski's marriage was heading toward the rocks, he decided to take action: he called the police. Two weeks later, his wife Dawn was under arrest for adultery. Like a modern-day Hester Prynne, Dawn was soon the talk of the town, Norwich, Conn., a circumstance that does not dismay her husband. "People in this society need to hear that adultery is wrong and that it destroys families," he proclaims. "I believe in the institution of marriage." His wife's lawyer is less enthused. "The thoughtless and insensitive act by Mr. Jakubowski has caused enormous embarrassment and humiliation to all members of his family," she says.

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Returning and Re-gifting: Relationship Etiquette

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Marital expectations plus

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
http://www.lifescript.com/Life/Relationships/Marriage/The_6_Slippery_Myths_Of_Marriage_Expectations.aspx?trans=1&du=1&gclid=CMhttp://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/118941262/abstract?CRETRY=1&SRETRY=0 KU7LGo5JcCFRlRagodkEOCDA&ef_id=1350:3:s_137cbf2e4ab62b385b63c23774912b1b_1789002905:hj@LnEGvMaAAAGVWfzwAAAAG:20081228220312

Lies He Tells, Lies She Tells

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Ever wonder why men report having more sexual partners than women? October 15 Psychologist Norman R. Brown at the University of Michigan has determined the reason. It appears that men report approximately the number of lovers, whereas women report on raw count, ticking off names. In fact according to the article by Robert Roy Britt in Live Science, “the women reported on average 8.6 lifetime sexual partners. The men claimed 31.9.” But what Professor Brown learned is that those he interviewed lied and even admitted to lying. This wasn’t a new study, but it is an interesting one. For the full story, go to Why Men Report More Sex Partners Than Women After watching Boston Legal last evening I began pouring through the literature about lying for love and lying about love — as if it isn’t becoming a cottage industry! (No, I still do not own a television, but I always manage to find a place to watch Denny Crane.) The Boston Legal episode was really troubling — the lies of the husband who murdered his nurse and lover, and the lies of his wife on the witness stand who covered for him after leading Alan Shore to believe that she had murdered the nurse in a jealous rage. In fact, husband and wife colluded to deceive - although Phoebe, who had once been Alan’s lover - lead him to believe that if her husband was set free she would walk away from him and into Alan’s arms. Her lies were pernicious. There seems to be so much in the news about women who tell lies. Recently I spoke with Susan Shapiro Barash, the author of Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie. She is a gender expert at Marymount Manhattan College. I interviewed Susan for an article in the Providence Journal called: Marrying their Mrs. Robinson — it was about Cougar Love and Longevity. This will be posted on Friday. In the upcoming weeks, I will devote a full series to love, lies, and deception. The picture is not a pretty one. http://www.aolhealth.com/healthy-living/relationships/secrets-men-keep http://www.nypost.com/seven/03022008/news/regionalnews/miss_leading_100063.htm Deceit, thy name is woman. Most females lie "more cleverly and successfully than men" about everything from infidelity and facelifts to barhopping and shopping binges, according to a new book. "Women lie as a survival technique, but also to get what they want," said Susan Shapiro Barash, author of "Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie," published by St. Martin's Press this week. Barish said a Rockland County woman stripped of her secrets on Fox TV's reality show "Moment of Truth" last week proves her research true. Lauren Cleri, 26, admitted on air she had cheated on her NYPD cop husband and preferred an ex-boyfriend. But she failed a polygraph, and lost $200,000, by answering "yes" when asked if she believed she was a good person. "It supports my thesis that women are talented at lying - but perhaps not enough to pass a lie-detector test," Barash said. Barash interviewed 500 women nationwide who answered her Craigslist ads seeking females to confide what they fib about. Among her findings: * 75 percent lie about how much money they spend. For instance, they sneak purchases inside their homes after shopping or hide the price tags. * 50 percent harbor "mixed feelings about mothering." One told Barash, "I look at these children and I crave sleep and free time. They wear me out and make me jealous of working women who have no children, no husbands." * More than 60 percent cheated on their husbands. A 32-year-old mother conducted her trysts while telling her trusting husband she was working late. Even in asking for a divorce, she withheld the truth: "I didn't say I had fallen for another man. He was better off with my lies." Many women use the "betterment lie," as Barash calls it, as a means to an end. A 30-year-old model romanced a middle-aged married man for the money. After snagging him, she faked her affections: "I say 'I love you,' and don't mean it." Some lie to cover up childhood incest or domestic abuse, or taboo behavior like drinking, gambling or Internet-porn addiction. More than 80 percent believe in "beneficial lying." A New Jersey mom doesn't tell her well-behaved daughter about her own wild teen years of marijuana and partying. Urban women favor the "competitive lie," Barash said. "You lie about money and cosmetic surgery. Your out-of-work husband is a 'consultant.' You embellish your kids' accomplishments, or downplay their SAT tutoring." In the "lying to yourself" category, the book mentions Hillary Rodham Clinton, who as first lady went on TV to blast the Monica Lewinsky scandal as a political attack against her husband. She later acknowledged Bill's cheating. Others lie because "there's too much to lose," Barash said. Rudy Giuliani's wife, Judith, guarded a secret that she was married twice, and not once, previously. The truth, which Rudy apparently knew, hit the front pages when he ran for president.

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
RELATIONSHIPS that fizzle during the holidays often bubble over with anger long after the champagne has gone flat. What ever happened to the New Year sentiment about “old acquaintance”? Despite the blogs a-buzzing about December break-ups, I am an incurable romantic who wants to believe in happy endings and new beginnings, in the face of considerable contrary evidence. A mother called on Christmas Eve after watching her son’s tearful young lady leave their home clinging to the present she had brought him. The 20-year-old explained: “I told her a month ago it wasn’t working out. I want to start the New Year with someone special.” Contrast this to the 45-year-old who spent the holidays vacationing with a woman whom he planned to leave after fulfilling their social obligations. Hopefully, he did not deliver his “goodbye” under the mistletoe or via text message after a night of passion. My heart hurt for both of the couples. I asked the good professor, “When relationships come to an end, do you think men and women should follow the Tibetan ritual of forgiveness, celebrating the love they once shared, and then letting go?” He simply rolled his eyes and hummed Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,” written in 1975. Breaking up is still not as simple as: “Just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan.” No matter what time of year, breaking up is really hard to do. However, Ellen Kreidman, in Light His Fire (1991), gives women a message that goes something like: “Don’t give up your man. Create memories. Make sex interesting. Greet him at the door in a plastic wrap dress. And if the two of you are angry, hold onto each other and pretend you still want to kiss and make up. Then watch those good feelings emerge.” The feminists seethed. Despite the difficulty with relationships, marriage continues. Writer and retired New Mexico judge Anne Kass notes that within three years of divorce, many people marry a second time. However, she says, even in the Land of Enchantment, 70 percent of second marriages involving stepchildren will fail. Couples who end relationships during the holidays often hear one party express disbelief and shock, but often they are simply not listening to each other. Or if one hears what the other person is saying, he or she may not wish to accept the situation. A showdown often follows. “Why shouldn’t I be angry?” questioned a divorced gentleman in his early 50s. “She literally threw herself against the door of my home and broke it in! What could have provoked this once sweet woman to do such a thing?” Perhaps it was an unfamiliar Saab sitting in his driveway, which his former love saw when she drove by his home because of an intuitive 3 a.m. impulse. She went into a rage. He later admitted, “We had pretty much broken up, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by letting her know that I was seeing someone else.” Sometimes two people know a relationship is rocky but coast along until an irritant pushes them over the edge. For one couple, the cell phone was their demise. “Whenever it rang, my wife would become furious if I didn’t tell her who was calling. Then at a party one night, it rang. I looked at the caller’s name. But before I could put the phone back in my pocket, she grabbed it and stepped on it.” An angry divorce and custody battle ensued. The desire to get even or to blame is pervasive in break-ups. It seems that only in sitcoms do we find a model for lovers turned friends, as with Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine. However, Christopher Hansard, in The Tibetan Power of Positive Thinking, suggests a ritual for endings that promotes good feelings instead of anger and resentment, and offers opportunities for trying again or finding new love. Relationships can be exhilarating, but they are also fragile and complex. Perhaps this New Year we might think about “relationship resolutions.” For loves past, present, and future, the words of a life-coach friend and mother resonate: “You attract what you project.” Her simple thought may help to rekindle or strengthen relationships if upon awakening each morning we remember to: Wish blessings. Laugh often. And ask ourselves, “What can I do today to make someone I care about feel a little happier, less stressed, and unconditionally loved?”

Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot?

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Relationships that fizzle during the holidays often bubble over with anger long after the champagne has gone flat. What ever happened to the New Year sentiment about “old acquaintance”? Despite the blogs a-buzzing about December break-ups, I am an incurable romantic who wants to believe in happy endings and new beginnings, in the face of considerable contrary evidence. A mother called on Christmas Eve after watching her son’s tearful young lady leave their home clinging to the present she had brought him. The 20-year-old explained: “I told her a month ago it wasn’t working out. I want to start the New Year with someone special.” Contrast this to the 45-year-old who spent the holidays vacationing with a woman whom he planned to leave after fulfilling their social obligations. Hopefully, he did not deliver his “goodbye” under the mistletoe or via text message after a night of passion. My heart hurt for both of the couples. I asked the good professor, “When relationships come to an end, do you think men and women should follow the Tibetan ritual of forgiveness, celebrating the love they once shared, and then letting go?” He simply rolled his eyes and hummed Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,” written in 1975. Breaking up is still not as simple as: “Just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan.” No matter what time of year, breaking up is really hard to do. However, Ellen Kreidman, in Light His Fire (1991), gives women a message that goes something like: “Don’t give up your man. Create memories. Make sex interesting. Greet him at the door in a plastic wrap dress. And if the two of you are angry, hold onto each other and pretend you still want to kiss and make up. Then watch those good feelings emerge.” The feminists seethed. Despite the difficulty with relationships, marriage continues. Writer and retired New Mexico judge Anne Kass notes that within three years of divorce, many people marry a second time. However, she says, even in the Land of Enchantment, 70 percent of second marriages involving stepchildren will fail. Couples who end relationships during the holidays often hear one party express disbelief and shock, but often they are simply not listening to each other. Or if one hears what the other person is saying, he or she may not wish to accept the situation. A showdown often follows. “Why shouldn’t I be angry?” questioned a divorced gentleman in his early 50s. “She literally threw herself against the door of my home and broke it in! What could have provoked this once sweet woman to do such a thing?” Perhaps it was an unfamiliar Saab sitting in his driveway, which his former love saw when she drove by his home because of an intuitive 3 a.m. impulse. She went into a rage. He later admitted, “We had pretty much broken up, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by letting her know that I was seeing someone else.” Sometimes two people know a relationship is rocky but coast along until an irritant pushes them over the edge. For one couple, the cell phone was their demise. “Whenever it rang, my wife would become furious if I didn’t tell her who was calling. Then at a party one night, it rang. I looked at the caller’s name. But before I could put the phone back in my pocket, she grabbed it and stepped on it.” An angry divorce and custody battle ensued. The desire to get even or to blame is pervasive in break-ups. It seems that only in sitcoms do we find a model for lovers turned friends, as with Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine. However, Christopher Hansard, in The Tibetan Power of Positive Thinking, suggests a ritual for endings that promotes good feelings instead of anger and resentment, and offers opportunities for trying again or finding new love. Relationships can be exhilarating, but they are also fragile and complex. Perhaps this New Year we might think about “relationship resolutions.” For loves past, present, and future, the words of a life-coach friend and mother resonate: “You attract what you project.” Her simple thought may help to rekindle or strengthen relationships if upon awakening each morning we remember to: Wish blessings. Laugh often. And ask ourselves, “What can I do today to make someone I care about feel a little happier, less stressed, and unconditionally loved?”

Bubbles, Breasts, and New Year Love

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Day Two

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

day

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Men dream big dreams — a new car, a new boat, a new job. Women traditionally dream small dreams — a call from their special significant other, time alone, a new outfit. Now is the time to make a decision to follow your heart and make a secret dream come true. It might be a career change, a relationship change (for better or worse), a goal, a secret desire. Whenever you begin saying, “I wish…” it is time for the dream. But first, if you are single and dreading being alone, here are some hints for New Year's Eve. Shine Day One: Dream Your Dreams

Let your mind wander as you dream impossible dreams

Spend at least five minutes several times today just day-dreaming.

Write down the whispering of your soul.

Write down the most outrageous dream you can imagine for yourself.

What is the one dream that keeps recurring even though it may be in different forms? Write it down.

Think of a dream that your heart of hearts is telling you about.

At the end of the day write down the one dream that dominates your thinking. This is your heart’s desire.

Now celebrate even if you are alone on New Year's Eve. Buy yourself some fabulous champagne. My favorite is Veuve Clicquot. Read about this widow and how she became a legend. Her story, Times Book Review Her champagne. Veuve Clicquot -- Be certain to click on USA for the English translation. Adapted from A Serenity Journal and The Art of Decision Making
© copyright 2008 Watson

True Love, the Year of the Cougar and Love 2009

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

According to The Sunday Times today, "Scientists discover true love"

Scientists discover true love! And in this Year of the Cougar, the news is encouraging. John Harlow and Brendan Montague reported that, " Brain scans have proved that a small number of couples can respond with as much passion after 20 years as most people exhibit only in the first flush of love.

"The findings overturn the conventional view that love and sexual desire peak at the start of a relationship and then decline as the years pass."http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article5439805.ece From the Examiner.com -- also on World News.com, here are my thoughts on Love and Marriage.

At last, here’s how to train your husband

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Love and Money on the Marriage-Go-Round

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Love and Money on the Marriage-Go-Round We all know that money and sex, or lack thereof, are two of the top reasons for divorce. As the economy continues its downward spiral turn let’s hope that in choosing a husband you did not put money before looks or values as we learned can be the case from the Love and Money Survey. http://www.ritawatson.com/?p=548 In Rhode Island today there was more disheartening economic news -- The Rhode Island Association of Realtors says that housing prices have dropped 20 percent from a year ago. http://www.projo.com/business/content/BZ_Real_estate_01-06-09_SECRPJK_v45.307af3a.html How will this news affect your stress level and marriage?   William Hurt Sledge, MD, medical director of Yale New Haven Psychiatric Hospital, said, “Couples or people who mean something to each other get stressed with this uncertain economy. . . Resentments get magnified, regrets become manifest, old wounds are reopened for review and inspection, and recriminations are laid out.” But it doesn’t have to be that way. Prize-winning Rhode Island author Christina Gombar who lives in Saunderstown with her husband Peter Levitan, talked with me last week about her days on Wall Street. (www.christinagombar.com). She remembers the last couple of market crashes and says she adapted her mother’s Depression-era mentality. “I used to be critical of my husband, who frets if our house is not bursting with good food and wine eaten in great quantity — as did my mother. I could eat yogurt and eggs for a week. Now I realize that when a person works hard they need to indulge in one area of their lives.” She added “People with opposite money styles willing to accept each other can wind up learning from each other, adjust their extremes, and eventually work out their differences in a complementary way.” But she acknowledges that marital compromise is difficult. Dr. Sledge pointed out, however, that with these tough economic times, some people have giving hearts. “Some people reach out to each other and actually become more generative and generous, bringing a sense that whatever awful things happen, they will endure with the good that they have.” http://www.ritawatson.com/?p=514 For those battling over money issues big or small, you might try to scale back, speak kindly to each other, and find time for loving. When life gets messy — as it can with financial woes — take the time to laugh and read the words of Rabbi Irwin Kula in his book called Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life. http://www.amazon.com/Yearnings-Embracing-Sacred-Messiness-Life/dp/1401309135/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1226075910&sr=1-1 Reading about seeing life from your spouse’s perspective may uplift you and help you to find some meaning in the chaos of financial stress. Perhaps it will help you to rethink your lifestyle and make more time for laughter and love. / Happiness, RitaE

Madoff, Money, and Love on the Marriage Go Round

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

His Wedding Band is a Chick Magnet

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

MARRIED MEN PLAYING GAMES -- when I hear the gossip my antennae inevitably catch the drift.  Knowing that my hair salon is by far the best source of info, I have no problem eaves-dropping on a conversation, handing out my card and saying, “Tell me. It will be our little secret – just between you, me, and Providence."

At Karezz, my favorite Providence hair salon, while Cindy was keeping me blonde, I learned about chick magnets through a conversation with guys from the gym.

Wedding rings as chick magnets: It seems there is a new trend in town. Remember the men at the bar who slipped off their wedding rings to flirt? Well now, the wedding rings are called chick magnets. They attract girls who just want to have fun.

Several years ago, Dr. Gail Saltz, Today Show.com contributor, wrote a piece posted on MSNBC called “More reasons that women feel safe with married men.” She said, “This week, I heard from many male readers who agreed that their wedding rings function as Chick magnets. Her website is www.drgailsaltz.com.

So while science defines chick magnets as a facial features look Live Science -- today it is the wedding ring. And the married men and single women appear to playing the magnetic game.

Now when it comes to married folk playing around, the Pricilla Prude in me surfaces. As such, you will not be surprised that I wrote about “Male poachers aka husband snatchers" a few months ago. However, you will see that I talk about why men cheat as well.  Rita Watson: Relationships

The gay bar ruse: Some guys still do take off their rings. In fact one of my gay sources here in Providence tells me that if a man slips off his wedding ring and is dating “the other women,” he will often be taking her to gay bars so he doesn’t run into his wife's single girlfriends.

I am actually a hard liner on cheating because I think cheating is adultery is infidelity – and “what goes around comes around.” It’s known as the good law of karma. Happiness/ Rita E

Flirting for Geeks and Hints from a Nine-Year-Old

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
At last, here's how to train your husband Seeking Happiness with Pills and Coping Skills http://www.projo.com/opinion/contributors/content/CT_rita7_12-07-08_SACGSEN_v14.1cbf94c.html /?template=cheetah-search-adv%2Findex.txt

Forgive us, but you do not want to marry us

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
FROM THE FASHIONABLE EAST SIDE TO IRELAND'S TREES OF LUNATICS, PATRICK TRACEY says he traveled a twisted road these past 25 years. Nonetheless, today his family memoir --has been called by Slate online magazine "One of the Best of 2008." Here is an interview with Tracey whose words capture the essence of man devoted to his sisters' and determined to escape the captivity of schizophrenia.
Prize-winning author Christina Gombar of Saunderstown, RI, (www.christinagombar.com) in a review for Bookslut said of Tracey's work: "A sometimes rollicking, always absorbing road story: Jack Kerouac Meets Frank McCourt." (www.stalkingirishmadness.com )

Pain and forgiveness:

"You can never truly understand your pain," he says, "until you forgive it. I think most of us have always had it the other way around and, in fact, have had it backwards.

"I think most of us believe that if only we can figure it all out and grasp every facet of, say, a broken relationship or an unfair loss, then we will we find peace with it, come to terms with it. But maybe the truth is that we can never fully understand until we forgive. We can't hold out and decide to forgive it until we've got it all figured out. It doesn't seem to work that way. I learned the counter-intuitive lesson the hard way and it took a half a lifetime to get it."

Women who don't get it:

Tracey had talked with me about broken relationships and women who simply did not want to accept that he was both a confirmed bachelor and in his words, "not daddy material." He was concerned especially about the family history of schizophrenia, and how it might affect children if he were to have them. He also says he had a drinking problem that he was able to overcome seven years ago. But it was in searching the roots of his family illness that he learned acceptance and forgiveness.

Confronting the family illness:

"With the schizophrenia in my family (my two sisters, an uncle, a grandmother and its roots in Ireland), I went to Ireland to try to understand on an intellectual level this illness that is idiopathic, having no known cause or cure." Schizophrenia, a chronic and severe biological disorder of the brain, is characterized by auditory and visual hallucinations that can induce delusions, fear, immobilization, and agitation.

A book that saved his life:

"I truly felt that if I didn't figure this thing out once and for all, then I'd probably take up my old life again. But it didn't turn out that way. I got through Ireland without a drink and wound up writing a book that reveals the utter necessity of forgiveness for the deep sense of loss, for myself for the survivor guilt that can torment you, for the drinking that was a form of self laceration, for Ireland and the English who set in motion that famine conditions that fanned the flames of Irish madness, and for schizophrenia itself for taking two of my beautiful sisters away with the fairies.

"In that sense the book is a very public display of a man talking out his demons as he tools through Ireland in a camper van asking questions of doctors and folklorists and ordinary people who have the illness coursing through their bloodlines as it does in ours. But as I muse on it, it's the forgiveness that reveals itself slowly through the narrative. That's the way it feels to me, anyway, in re-reading my book."

Forgiveness, great and small:

"Not to put too fine a point on it, but this forgiveness stuff has been a great lesson in life that I am able to apply to all troubles, great and small. This notion that you can't understand something until you forgive it is a radical one, to be sure, because it also suggests that complexity may be a smokescreen. The intellectuals can't have that!

"I think a strong case can be made that forgiveness is the daily way out of over-thinking our problems. Don't you often feel that over-thinking can be a bit like overeating? It can just weigh us down. So even though it's this great abstract notion, forgiveness lightens the load in a very practical sense of putting resentments to bed."   Patrick now lives in on the North Shore of Boston, where he landed rather randomly. "But it's a nice little gem, right on the water and right next door to Kelly's Roast Beef!" he said.  Patrick Tracey Op-Ed in Providence Journal

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
http://www.ritawatson.com/?page_id=59

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Examiner.com/Relationships (Providence Love and Marriage Examiner)

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

IF THERE WAS ANY SEX IN THE CITY TAKING PLACE LAST NIGHT, IT WAS NOT WITH HUSBANDS AND WIVES. And as an ever vigilant questioner, my unscientific survey of friends in hot spots across the nation is showing a disturbing trend – young couples having intimacy issues. Fighting. Slammed doors. No sex. Even when the men apologize, they hear the refrain, "No make up sex for you!"

I have a simple answer to the “No make up sex” syndrome – “If you don’t like make up sex, then don’t fight, just make love.”

But my answer is not a solution. It seems that younger women are becoming withholders. And oftentimes these women have hidden agendas.

One Friday evening more than two years ago I found myself talking with a young man at my favorite bar who learned from the bartender that I write about sex and relationships. Last night at two different places teaming with patrons, I heard the same tale.

Why we pick up women in bars: This one told to me by a firefighter summed it up. “Do you know why men try to pick up women at bars? Because our women have shut us down. Then if we happen to meet another woman, even for fun, we’re the bad guys!  They force us out and want us to be celibate while we try to read their minds. I don’t want to read her mind. I want her to tell me.”

Pretend I’m a car: The ingenious young man told his wife, “Take a look at this. It’s a car manual. See these symbols? Each one points to a problem. Pretend I’m a car and show me what’s wrong. Make a list of what you want. I’ll try to fix it. But don’t keep telling me that ‘I don’t get it,’ because I don’t. What she doesn’t get is that we are both losing this battle.”

Wedding rings in pockets: Last night, I knew some of the men with wedding rings slipped into their pockets – so much for "wedding bands as chick magnets" that I wrote about last week. To protect both the guilty and the innocent, I will refrain from naming the hot spots.  However, the trend continues. Lots of fighting and no make up sex.

Fight fairly: If you must fight, fight fairly and constructively rather than letting pent up anger to turn into a volcano or the silent treatment. When two people do fight it oftentimes shows that they are invested in the relationship and want to jump over the hurdles to find happiness. A few hints from a Cosmopolitan article: “How to Emerge From A Fight More in Love”

Here is the link Cosmopolitan.com

Another point of view – Just because I like to say, “Make love not war” you may agree with the following article, “Make up Sex Rocks.” But be careful that it doesn’t become a bad habit. Savvy Miss.

In reality: When two people in a relationship play sexual politics, there are no winners.

If you missed yesterday's article, "The Men We Should Marry" take a look and let me know who I should be adding to the list other than Patrick Dempsey. Also, watch for my article next week, "Men We Should Learn to Avoid"

Seven Minutes a Week to Better Health in a Money Stressed World

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

I keep hearing of very young men developing diabetes and women of all ages distraught about their weight. Overweight creates stress, anxiety, and cuts down on love-making.

A report in Reuters from the British Medical Journal says researchers “showed that just seven minutes of exercise each week helped a group of 16 men in their early twenties control their insulin. The volunteers, who were relatively out of shape but otherwise healthy, rode an exercise bike four times daily in 30 second spurts two days a week.” http://www.reuters.com/article/healthNews/idUSTRE50R0BH20090128

The South Beach Diet – when we all went on this diet, proponents said that it helped control our insulin which in turn helped with weight loss. http://www.southbeach-diet-plan.com/gi_index.htm

For a short review of a host of diets including South Beach, Atkins (which has since been updated) and Pritikin go to http://www.edinformatics.com/health_fitness/south_beach_diet.htm

Consumers mood improves just a bit according to the January report The Reuters/University of Michigan Surveys of Consumers said its final index reading of confidence for January rose to 61.2 from December's 60.1. http://www.reuters.com/article/domesticNews/idUSTRE50T47I20090130

During times of stress, exercise has been shown to improve one’s mental health sometimes as effectively as one might get from an antidepressant.

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

LINKS

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Providence Journal, Rita Watson, Dementia and Seizures World News, Rita Watson, Dementia and Seizures France Oberver, Rita Watson, Dementia and Seizures Caregivers and Stress Check    Seizures and driving: http://professionals.epilepsy.com/page/hallway_driving.html

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Concussions: time to take them seriously

We have been reading stories about the problems with concussions and football players for some time now. Problems range from depression to loss of memory.

Concussions are back in the news with Ted Johnson, linebacker for the New England Patriots. And a report from Fox News tells us that memory of his star performances can be jeopardized by the number of concussions he has received. He says he is already experiencing early symptoms of Alzheimer’s.

The incidence of depression in retired football players has been linked to the number of concussions sustained as was repor ted by The New York Times. NYTIMES

New awareness of concussions came to light when young veterans returning from Iraq were found to have traumatic brain injury from repetitive blasts and concussions.

Operation Giveback

With more than 1. 5 million young athletes playing football, it is time to take concussions seriously.

If you have a child on the football field whose head is injured – take them out of the game. Frequent ly young people want to get back on the field of play. And oftentimes, coaches took them at their word. But now we are learning that even mild concussions ild that do not result in black outs, can be serious. Here is a good checklist from Mayo Clinic. Mayo Clinic/   and guideless from the University of California, San Francisco UCSF

Simple decision-making on the part of a parent can save a young person from long-term consequences:

Take your child out of the game

Keep child from playing for at least one day

Limit physical activity

See a doctor

Hormone replacement: sexy and straying?

Hormones are the body’s chemical messengers. Hormone levels decrease in men and women in mid-life, and both genders may opt for replacement therapy. Testosterone prescriptions began soaring in 2004, according to pharmaceutical-sales tracking. This therapy differs from the dysfunction problem alleviated by the little blue pill that former Sen. Bob Dole has promoted.

Despite advances in synthetic alternatives for women, many have been cautious as a result of a cancer scare several years ago.

Although women taking synthetic hormones say they feel more passionate, this may have to do with relief from their menopausal symptoms. Sexuality, Reproduction & Menopause reported that it is the male hormone delivered via a testosterone patch that app ears to increase desire and arousal in women.

Now a new study reported by Reuters indicates that women on hormone replacement therapy might become a bit too sexy. They noted: "Women with higher estradiol reported a greater likelihood of flirting, kissing and having a serious affair with someone other than their primary partner and were marginally more likely to date another man…"

The article was originally published in the Royal Society Journal Biology Letters according to the news on MSNBC

Since most cougars are women over 40 and 50, many of whom might be on hormone therapy, can this be the reason for Cougar Rising?

The decision here:

Hmm, perhaps ask a friend to help you monitor your behavior.

Or keep on doing what you're doing

Help for stressed out caregivers

Those who care for parents or family members with Alzheimer’s or dementia know how trying it can be when asked the same questions o ver and over again within a matter of minutes. Even those with the best of intentions say that find themselves losing patience.

Family members face multiple problems from knowing when to take away the car keys to finding special help. Oftentimes family members are resistant to home health agencies. But a new study finds it is vitally important that caregivers take a break to recharge their own batteries.

A recent British survey released this January found that family caregivers often talk abusively to those who have dementia. From the survey of 220 people they found that it was important to address needs of those within families.

The g ist of the report: Abuse of people with dementia by family carers: representative cross sectional survey can be found at:

BMJ

Here is a stress checklist that is helpful for a caregiver, even if it is not someone with loss of memory. Stress check

If you or someone you love is a caretaker, some decisions that might help ease the burden include:

Checking with Senior Centers to find an eldercare program.

Contacting services for respite care within your home.

Asking relatives to give you a day off.

Managing medication by using very well marked pill cases which a pharmacist can help you select or order.

Madoff Bilks Investors and Wall Street Gets a Cap

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Is it just me or is there something wrong with this picture? A man bilks his clients of $50 BILLION and he only faces a $5 million fine and 20 years in jail. I happen to believe that one's relationship to one's money is sacred. And this man violated every ethical standard one can imagine. Isn't there some way to sell off all of his assets and return the money to those whom he cheated? I mean we confiscate and sell drug dealers cars. According to this CNN report: "He faces one charge of securities fraud in connection with an international scheme that has cost some investors their life savings. Madoff estimated that investors lost $50 billion, according to the criminal complaint against him." Madoff victims The list of those cheated is extensive. And today Reuters reported, "Among the financial institutions on the customer list are UBS AG, Bank of America Corp, BNP Paribas and Citigroup Inc."   Reuters.com There has long been suspicions that Madoff did not act alone. Some reports today are saying that after Harry Markopolos testimony the other shoe will drop and he may reveal others who were involved. Not sure if he will name names or if he will just point out how the SEC turned their nose at his findings some ten years ago. The Wall Street Pay Cap In other news, here is a commentary about the Wall Street executive pay cap that this columnist feels they deserve. CNN.com

HOLD

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Hormone replacement:sexy and straying? Hormones are the body's chemical messengers. Hormone levels decrease in men and women in mid-life, and both genders may opt for replacement therapy. Testosterone prescriptions began soaring in 2004, according to pharmaceutical-sales tracking. This therapy differs from the dysfunction problem alleviated by the little blue pill that former Sen. Bob Dole has promoted. Despite advances in synthetic alternatives for women, many have been cautious as a result of a cancer scare several years ago. Although women taking synthetic hormones say they feel more passionate, this may have to do with relief from their menopausal symptoms. Sexuality, Reproduction & Menopause reported that it is the male hormone delivered via a testosterone patch that app ears to increase desire and arousal in women. Now a new study reported by Reuters indicates that women on hormone replacement therapy might become a bit too sexy. They noted: "Women with higher estradiol reported a greater likelihood of flirting, kissing and having a serious affair with someone other than their primary partner and were marginally more likely to date another man..." The article was originally published in the Royal Society Journal Biology Letters according to the news on MSNBC. MSNBC   Since most cougars are women over 40 and 50, many of whom might be on hormone therapy, can this be the reason for Cougar Rising? The decisions here: Hmm, perhaps ask a friend to help you monitor your behavior. Concussions: time to take them seriously We have been reading stories about the problems with concussions and football players for some time now. Problems range from depression to loss of memory. Concussions are back in the news with Ted Johnson, linebacker for the New England Patriots. And a report from Fox News tells us that memory of his star performances can be jeopardized by the number of concussions he has received. He says he is already experiencing early symptoms of Alzheimer's.   The incidence of depression in retired football players has been linked to the number of concussions sustained as was repor ted by The New York Times. NY TIMES   New awareness of concussions came to light when young veterans returning from Iraq were found to have traumatic brain injury from repetitive blasts and concussions. Returnig veterans   With more than 1. 5 million young athletes playing football, it is time to take concussions seriously. If you have a child on the football field whose head is injured - take them out of the game. Frequent ly young people want to get back on the field of play. And oftentimes, coaches took them at their word. But now we are learning that even mild concussions ild that do not result in black outs, can be serious. Here is a good checklist from Mayo Clinic. MAYO Clinic     Simple decision-making on the part of a parent can save a young person from long-term consequences:

Take your child out of the game

Keep child from playing for at least one day

Limit physical activity

See a doctor

Stress out caregivers

Those who care for parents or family members with Alzheimer’s or dementia know how trying it can be when asked the same questions o ver and over again within a matter of minutes. Even those with the best of intentions say that find themselves losing patience.

Family members face multiple problems from knowing when to take away the car keys to finding spec ial help. Oftentimes family members are resistant to home health agencies. But a new study finds it is vitally important that caregivers take a break to recharge their own batteries.

A recent British survey released this January found that family caregivers often talk abusively to those who have dementia. From the survey of 220 people they found that it was important to address needs of those within families.

The g ist of the report: Abuse of people with dementia by family carers: representative cross sectional survey can be found at: British journal

Here is a stress checklist that is helpful for a caregiver, even if it is not someone with loss of memory.

If you or someone you love is a caretaker, some decisions that might help ease the burden include:

Checking with Senior Centers to find an eldercare program.

Contacting services for respite care within your home.

Asking relatives to give you a day off.

Managing medication by using very well marked pill cases which a pharmacist can help you select or order.

Make Valentine’s Day a Children’s Day

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Couples and Money

From our founders: Love and Money can sometimes seem like opposing forces driving you apart, not complementary forces for joy. For a partnership to succeed, both partners must work together financially and emotionally rather than compete against each other. In celebration of the month of love, WIFE.org offers suggestions for improving the relationship between you, your sweetie-and, of course, your money.

Wrinkle Creams in the Age of the Cougar

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Stories of younger men dating older women abound these days.
Many wrinkle creams and lotions sold in department stores, in drugstores and on the Internet promise to reduce wrinkles and prevent or reverse damage caused by the sun.
Do they work? Research suggests that some wrinkle creams contain ingredients that may improve wrinkles. But many of these ingredients haven't undergone scientific research to prove this benefit. If you're looking for a face-lift in a bottle, you probably won't find it in over-the-counter (nonprescription) wrinkle creams. But they may slightly improve the appearance of your skin, depending on how long you use the product and the amount and type of the active ingredient in the wrinkle cream.
Common ingredients in anti-wrinkle creams
The effectiveness of anti-wrinkle creams depends in part on the active ingredient or ingredients. Here are some common ingredients that may result in slight to modest improvements in wrinkles.

Retinol. Retinol is a vitamin A compound and is the first antioxidant to be widely used in nonprescription wrinkle creams. Antioxidants are substances that neutralize free radicals — unstable oxygen molecules that break down skin cells and cause wrinkles. Retinol is less potent than the vitamin A derivative tretinoin, a topical treatment approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for treating wrinkles. Tretinoin is available only by prescription. Avoid vitamin A derivatives if you are pregnant or may become pregnant because they increase the risk of birth defects.

Hydroxy acids. Alpha hydroxy acids, beta hydroxy acids and poly hydroxy acids are all synthetic versions of acids derived from sugar-containing fruits. These acids are exfoliants — substances that remove the upper layer of old, dead skin and stimulate the growth of smooth, evenly pigmented new skin. Because hydroxy acids increase your susceptibility to sun damage, always wear sunscreen during use and for at least one week afterward.

Coenzyme Q10. Coenzyme Q10 is a nutrient that helps regulate energy production in cells. Some studies have shown reduction in fine wrinkles around the eyes with no side effects. Other studies show that application before sun exposure protects against sun damage.

Copper peptides. Copper is a trace element found in every cell. In products applied to the skin, it's combined with small protein fragments called peptides. Copper peptides enhance wound healing. They also stimulate production of collagen and may enhance the action of antioxidants.

Kinetin. A plant growth factor, kinetin may improve wrinkles and uneven pigmentation with minimal irritation. It's unclear how it works, but it may help reduce wrinkles by helping skin retain moisture and by stimulating the production of collagen. It may also be a potent antioxidant.

Tea extracts. Green, black and oolong tea contain compounds with antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties. Green tea extracts are the ones most commonly found in wrinkle creams.

No guarantees: Assessing safety and effectiveness
The FDA classifies creams and lotions as cosmetics, which are defined as having no medical value. So the FDA regulates them less strictly than it does drugs. This means that products don't need to undergo rigorous testing for safety and effectiveness before approval to go on the market. The FDA does step in, however, when advertisements portray cosmetics as drugs or when cosmetics contain ingredients that may pose a potential health hazard to consumers. For example, in 2002, the FDA ordered manufacturers of products containing alpha hydroxy acids to include a warning label stating that the acids may increase the risk of sunburn. Because the FDA doesn't evaluate cosmetic products for effectiveness, there's no guarantee that any over-the-counter product will reduce your wrinkles. Consider these points when judging the merits of using a wrinkle cream:

Lower doses. Nonprescription wrinkle creams contain lower concentrations of active ingredients than do prescription creams. So results, if any, are limited and usually short-lived.

Latest research. Research suggests that certain ingredients may improve wrinkles. However, most anti-wrinkle creams haven't been subjected to the comprehensive, objective research required to prove this benefit.

Cost. Cost has no relationship to effectiveness. Just because a wrinkle cream is more costly, may not mean that it's more effective than a less-costly product.

Daily use. You'll likely need to use the wrinkle cream once or twice a day for many weeks before noticing any improvements. And once you discontinue using the product, your skin may return to its original appearance.

Side effects. Some products may cause skin irritation, rashes, burning or redness. Be sure to read and follow the product instructions to limit possible side effects.

Your anti-wrinkle regimen
An anti-wrinkle cream may lessen the appearance of your wrinkles, depending on how often you use it, the type and amount of active ingredient in the wrinkle cream, and the extent of the wrinkles you want to treat. But if you want to take the guesswork out of your skin-care regimen, try these more reliable ways to improve and maintain your skin's youthful appearance.

Protect your skin from the sun. Exposure to ultraviolet (UV) light speeds up the natural aging process of your skin, causing wrinkles and rough, blotchy skin. In fact, sun exposure is the No. 1 reason for aging signs in the skin, including uneven pigmentation. Protect your skin — and prevent future wrinkles — by limiting the time you spend in the sun and always wearing protective clothing and hats. Also, use sunscreen when outdoors, even in winter.

Choose products with built-in sunscreen. When selecting skin-care products, choose those with a built-in sun protection factor (SPF) of at least 15. Also, be sure to select products that block both UVA and UVB rays.

Use moisturizers. Dry skin turns plump skin cells into shriveled ones, creating fine lines and wrinkles long before you're due. Though moisturizers can't prevent wrinkles, they can temporarily mask tiny lines and creases.

Don't smoke. Smoking causes narrowing of the blood vessels in the outermost layers of your skin. It also damages collagen and elastin — fibers that give your skin its strength and elasticity. As a result, skin begins to sag and wrinkle prematurely.

If you're concerned about the appearance of your skin, see your dermatologist. He or she can help you create a personalized skin-care plan by assessing your skin type, evaluating your skin's condition and recommending products likely to be effective. If you're looking for more dramatic results, a dermatologist can recommend medical treatments for wrinkles, including prescription creams, botulinum toxin (Botox) injections or skin resurfacing techniques. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/wrinkle-creams/SN00010 http://www.dailyshownews.com/2008/07/kristen-schaal.html

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/wrinkle-creams/SN00010

Dementia and second hand smoke

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1879386,00.html

Alcohol and sex

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Jordano Quaglia jord.quaglia@sbcglobal.net | 76.199.90.207 I would like to bring to the plate the recent research posting which was performed in Australia, that, suddenly, brought me to enjoy drinking noticeably more. I have to confess that I did not have the desire to drink anything more than a glass of wine with a meal and that was all. Now I look for more quantity (quality helps even more), despite resisting consuming beer, which it is OK, but not my thing. The interesting was that when I realized in my explorations of sexually-enhancing products for mine and my wife’s pleasure, I realized that I feel the same burning warm and results with the intake of more alcohol. The research i refer to came up in January at the news and I found it again today at http://www.justaguything.com/tag/drinking/ I think that it, as a controlled tool may give the boost that many people need for many things, however it works well for me in the privacy of the bedroom. My suggestion: avoid it only if you feel that you may abuse the people around you, when you can’t manage drinking and aim for pleasantries and a happy SanVal’s Day and other nice dates.

Love or Money, Dating A Banker, No Longer Heaven

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
http://dabagirls.wordpress.com/

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Hello Friends: Am working on shifting focus on my website to LOVE, MONEY, AND MEDICINE. Am swept up with the Madoff Scandal. And what about high-end match matking services? Are you ready? Today take a look Condom Award Countdown and Bristol Palin both on my website and highlighted on The Examiner.com. Am promoting it because it is an award for students writing about sexual responsibility. Coming up for the Providence Journal will be a a story STDs and condoms -- with a humorous twist, though this is no laughing matter. My website will have the links. ALSO Patrick Tracey NEWS: Read his (TheOddBlog) on OpenSalon, the story of 12 year old hearing voices and too scared to tell! His reading dates for Stalking Irish Madness: Searching for the Roots of My Family's Schizophrenia KGB Bar Literary Salon in New York City on March 11th. Harvard Coop on the Eve of St. Patty on March 16th Happiness/ Rita E www.ritawatson.com Providence Love and Marriage Examiner and for Patrick's links www.stalkingirishmadness.com

Be Proactive, Face Down Depression and the Money Monster

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

- Linda Stern is a freelance writer. Any opinions in the column are solely those of Ms. Stern. You can e-mail her at lindastern@aol.com-

By Linda Stern

The American Psychological Association says that more than 80 percent of Americans are suffering money stress, and there are increasing reports of domestic violence, violent crimes and suicides.

We cannot do anything about the market, but we can do something about our health. Here are some thoughts by Linda Stern, an opinion from Reuters:

She suggests you:

-- Define yourself broadly. Don't make the mistake of identifying too closely with your bank account balance.

-- Face the situation squarely. Don't hide from your money troubles, identify them.

-- Get busy. Take action to attack whatever is troubling you. If it's job woes, spend time updating your resume and reaching out to all of your contacts. If it's your budget, look for areas to trim.

-- Don't sublimate. If you're feeling angry (and, according to the experts, pretty much everyone is), don't take it out on the people you care about.

-- Avoid downer people. You know who they are.

-- Fight anxiety directly, through activities like exercise, listening to music, meditation or hobbies.

-- Have free and cheap fun

-- Get help and M

-- Get more help

-- Walk away from the computer and CNBC

http://www.reuters.com/article/reutersComService4/idUSTRE51P5SU20090226

Can a little wine mean a lot of loving?

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
It seems that alcohol can help men's performance in the bedroom. Now that is a surprise.
By Clair Weaver

The Sunday Telegraph

January 25, 2009 12:01a

IT gives the phrase "a stiff drink" a whole new meaning: Australian researchers have made the surprise discovery that alcohol improves, rather than damages, men's performance in the bedroom.

They hope the finding, which flies in the face of conventional belief, will reassure men who worry about the affects of drinking on their sex lives. would like to bring to the plate the recent research posting which was performed in Australia, that, suddenly, brought me to enjoy drinking noticeably more. I have to confess that I did not have the desire to drink anything more than a glass of wine with a meal and that was all. Now I look for more quantity (quality helps even more), despite resisting consuming beer, which it is OK, but not my thing. The interesting was that when I realized in my explorations of sexually-enhancing products for mine and my wife’s pleasure, I realized that I feel the same burning warm and results with the intake of more alcohol. The research i refer to came up in January at the news and I found it again today at http://www.justaguything.com/tag/drinking/ I think that it, as a controlled tool may give the boost that many people need for many things, however it works well for me in the privacy of the bedroom. My suggestion: avoid it only if you feel that you may abuse the people around you, when you can’t manage drinking and aim for pleasantries and a happy SanVal’s Day and other nice dates.

Introduction. Alcohol consumption is a contentious social topic and is often assumed to have deleterious effects on sexual performance. There is a lack of consensus on whether alcohol consumption may in fact be beneficial to erectile function.

Aim. We examined the data from a population-based cross-sectional study of men's health to assess the association between usual alcohol consumption and erectile dysfunction (ED).

Method. Reply-paid questionnaires were posted to a randomly selected age-stratified male population sample obtained from the Western Australian (WA) Electoral Roll.
http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/121633544/abstract?CRETRY=1&SRETRY=0 Jordano Quaglia jord.quaglia@sbcglobal.net | 76.199.90.207

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Condom ringtones, condom earrings, condomania GIVEN THE NEW STATISTICS ON WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES AND TEEN PREGNANCY, CONDOMS SHOULD BE SWEEPING THE COUNTRY. Despite the humorous ringtones and earrings, STDs and teen pregnancies are no laughing matter. For the first time in 15 years, teen pregnancy is on the rise, with one-third of young women reported pregnant before 20. (The drop was attributed to condom use and sex education.)
With STDs, there is no discrimination by age or profession. The January report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention noted that nearly 19 million new sexually transmitted infections occur each year, with rates increasing in women and the 15- to 24-year-olds. From the United Kingdom, the Sexually Transmitted Infections journal reported STDs are highest among women 45 to 54 and among men 55 to 60. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation are helping to support Condom a Cappella as part of an educational effort in India and www.condomcondom.org feature downloadable tunes, with the video is on You Tube. As I said in my Providence Journal column this past Sunday, "Condoms are just one answer to the problem. The solution is probably a throwback to old fashioned courtship values. However, common sense works. Get to know your partner on more than just a casual basis. Agree to be tested before intimacy. And when cuddling up, always be prepared to ‘condom up.'" For more on condomania and links to both the Providence Journal and World News Network, please go to: http://www.ritawatson.com/?p=674

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
yyyyyyy

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

City Secrets

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
City Secret: Cigar Masters is not for men only CIGARS ARE NOT JUST FOR MEN. IN FACT IF YOU WANT TO REALLY IMPRESS YOUR GUY TAKE HIM TO CIGAR MASTERS IN PROVIDENCE. It all started for me in Boston one day, when I went into a shop to find a good cigar for a good guy. And I became a fan myself. Can you imagine my delight when a neighbor took me on a surprise excursion? We walked by the Westin one day, and there came the comforting scent of good cigars. The atmosphere is perfectly suited for "the guys large plasma screen TV" to socialize. But the bar and entry couches are warm and cozy. Here is the best part - the bartenders make you feel at home. Jeremy Soares and the warm staff are always there to greet you. And the cigars and atmosphere are premium quality For example, I like the Davidoff's, a bit more pricy than most, but I like them. However one evening I was there with a neighbor who has clients in Connecticut. We searched around in the humidor and within minutes Jeremy said, "Here it is, the Ashton. The leaves are right from your neighborhood." And he gave us a bit of history that was intriguing. Magazines, maybe. Jeremy, yes. Despite what you think you can learn from a magazine, talking to someone who truly knows cigars and smokes maybe 40 a week is the only real way to develop your cigar education. Jeremy always says, "We want clients to leave knowing a little more about the art of cigar smoking than when they came in. We want everyone leaving Cigars Masters to understand our products at their core level." Tell Jeremy what flavors intrigue you and those you like to taste and he will find a cigar for you. I'm serious about taste - chocolate, nuts, florals, wine flavors, fruity - there is a cigar for you.     My advice - make a visit there before you take your guy best guy and let Jeremy give you a quick lesson or two in "cigaring." And by the by, he also has pretty good relationship advice.   Photo tour and videos: Here is their photo tour. http://www.cigarmasters.com/prov.htm   They are open seven days a week. Cigar Masters Providence is located at One West Exchange Street lower lever of the Westin. Phone is 401-383-9002. Go in and see for yourself why this is the best kept secret in Providence. I promise that even though it is open to the public, you will want to become a member to take advantage of special events - in the spirit of full disclosure, I joined the very week they opened. Tell them Rita sent you. And maybe encourage them to have a Ladies Night every once in a while - and feel the power. Photo courtesy of Brandon Salomon, Founder & Principal http://www.ritawatson.com/?p=679 A Cigar Story, A Job Club, and the SEC is Sued

Why Are We Losing So Much Sleep?

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Well, it is daylight savings time - you know, Spring Ahead, instead of Fall Back. But that's not the only reason we are losing sleep. A new report says it is both too much stress too much work! CNN reported on an interview with Dr. Raj Kakar, a medical director at the Dallas Center for Sleep Disorderst He said:   "Aside from financial anxieties, in just a decade society has become more around-the clock and more complex. "This has been more insidious over two decades," Kakar said. "With the advent of the Internet, cell phone, Blackberries, we're seeing our society is increasingly 24-7. People are able to be active at any time from anywhere, and it causes people to be more active around the clock. This increased activity is essentially giving sleep less importance." CNN Sleep Mssing even just one hour a night can impair thinking and decision-making. For more about the dangers of sleep deprivation, here are two articles: Reuters reported not too long ago that that “Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh have found that women who are happy with their husbands or partners have less trouble sleeping than their single, unattached counterparts.” Reuters “While many things can interfere with sleep, stress and anxiety are very common, especially during an economic downturn,” according to neurologist Carl W. Bazil, M.D. “Ruminating about financial and personal problems, particularly as people quiet down and try to get to sleep, can interfere with relaxation and sleep onset. After poor sleep, people tend to be more irritable, which can lead to further anxiety and continued difficulty with sleep,” he said. Sleep is so important that even losing an hour or two a night can interfere with a person’s thinking and judgment. With interrupted sleep what eventually happens is “an involuntary pattern of poor relaxation and sleep interference with associated depression and poor functioning levels,” added Dr. Bazil, an associate professor of clinical neurology at Columbia University’s College of Physicians and Surgeons. Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

The Cougar is Coming, The Cougar is Coming!

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
This summer I wrote The Cougar Reality Round-up. Well, now, the "The Cougar" is about to arrive. I'm going to quote this straight from the website. " Stacey, a beautiful, blonde mother of four from Arizona. As the star of TV Land PRIME's new reality competition dating series, Stacey -- who's a successful and determined realtor -- ispersonal success is based upon upbeat optimism, and she believes that younger men have a similar spirited tempo, a demeanor that Stacey finds crucial for her future love interest to possess -- a love interest that she plans to find o eager to shatter dating stereotypes. She believes society has placed a double standard on women who date younger men and wants to prove that age is simply a number." Read all about her! http://www.tvland.com/prime/shows/cougar/   The show premiers on April 15th -- you can't forgot that famous date. Cougars have been hot news for a while. Take a look at this story. Her Mother is a Cougar and She’s Hot for Me!

Where is the Money, Mr. Madoff?

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

UK Sex, US Money: Erotica and Madoff

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Sex and Money: In this blog there may be no relationship other than the fact that news about Madoff is so dismal, that I found something a little provocative to maybe take your mind into a fantasy. First the Fantasy: Once upon a time, it appeared that men had more sex partners than women. Well in Britain at least, the women are catching up and even surpassing the men. I wonder if it has to do with erotic literature?   I was just sent a copy of "Best Women's Erotica '09" from Kara Wuest at www.cleispress.com.
Their website reads, "Love and lust run wild in the boldest edition of Violet Blue's bestselling women's erotica series. Here women of every sexual persuasion tease, romance, dominate, and deflower their partners in steamy encounters ranging from sweaty trysts to loving." Believe me, their books are definitely for Mature audiences.

I must ask Kara if she thinks that I am out-of-date simply because I have a problem with erotic toys. The truth is, Kara, I am not good with gadgets. Have no blender, no food processor, and no television (those “remotie” things intimidate me).
The Sex Capital: But back to sex and those advanced young women with more sexual partners than men. I found this while I was searching for a relationship report between erotic literature and sexual practices. Young women in Britain are more promiscuous than men, according to a survey that claims the average 21-year-old has had nine sexual partners compared with seven for men,” says the Telegraph in the UK. The article noted, “The poll of 2,000 by the magazine More also found that one in four young women has slept with more than 10 people, compared with one in five men who had done the same Now here is the shocker! The article continues, this news "comes just a week after an academic study branded Britain one of the casual sex capitals of the Western world, with residents having more one-night stands and more liberal attitudes than those in Australia, France, the Netherlands, Italy and the US To find out more, http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/3685314/Young-women-have-more-sexual-partners-than-men.html I am about love and marriage – and what happens in one’s bedroom is a private affair. So if all of this actually helps with couples' intimacy, then I’m in the cheering section. If it encourages one to stray – then that is a sad state of affairs.   Now for Madoff: If you can take it, here is a video

Sex on Sunday

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
http://news.aol.com/article/sex-sermons-in-alabama-church/378163

Stop

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Stop

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

In France, Erotic Toys Sales Sagging

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
At a time when one would expect erotica sales to be booming, with couple's cutting back on socializing, in France the financial crisis is even affecting the sex toy industry. The report from Reuters, Paris, says, " Sales in the French erotic industry have fallen as the global economic crisis has driven consumers to reduce their spending on sex toys, massage oils and other kinky products." http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE52F4RH20090316 An in the US, sex toy parties are booming. Women at Athena's Novetly toys are telling us that they are "saving marriages, one party at a time." However at the largest trade show for adult toys in Paris, stall owners were reporting "We have had a fall in turnover of about 30 percent compared with last year," said Bernard Montagud." Copyright 2009 Rita Watson Unemployment has been rising steadily for months in France as a fall in global economic activity has prompted many companies to lay off workers, and those who have kept their jobs are worried about the future. But to some visitors at the fair, which also included a stage on which stripteases were performed to loud music, falling sales of sex toys made no sense in the current economic climate. "When you can't go out, you have fun at home. So maybe it (the fair) can work," said a pensioner who gave only her first name, Joelle, adding that her spending had not changed. (Reporting by Lucien Libert and Antony Paone; writing by Francois Murphy; Editing by Dominic Evans) , sector specialists say. At "Big Eropolis," an erotic fair that opened on Friday near Paris and bills itself as the biggest of its kind in the world, attendance was healthy but stall owners said customers were not spending as much as in previous years. "We are hit by the financial crisis. We are not in the car industry either, so we haven't seen a drop (in sales) of 50 percent, but the financial crisis has hit us," the fair's organizer Eric Heuninck said of the industry. There would, however, be at least as many visitors at the fair this year as last year, each paying 30 euros a ticket, he added as adults of all ages browsed at stalls selling a wide variety of vibrators, lingerie and high-heeled footwear. "We have had a fall in turnover of about 30 percent compared with last year," said Bernard Montagud, who runs a sex toy stand at the fair which travels around France. "Of course there's been an impact on business. Before, when a customer came and we presented the products, we always managed to sell them two or three items. Now, alas, they leave with one single item. We feel the impact," he added. Unemployment has been rising steadily for months in France as a fall in global economic activity has prompted many companies to lay off workers, and those who have kept their jobs are worried about the future. But to some visitors at the fair, which also included a stage on which stripteases were performed to loud music, falling sales of sex toys made no sense in the current economic climate. "When you can't go out, you have fun at home. So maybe it (the fair) can work," said a pensioner who gave only her first name, Joelle, adding that her spending had not changed. (Reporting by Lucien Libert and Antony Paone; writing by Francois Murphy; Editing by Dominic Evans)

Dune sex down, Christian sex up

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Somewhat ironic these days, therapists are reporting that families find it easier to talk about sex than about money. In this economy, there is lots of talk about money taking place. And there is lots of talk about sex in the media and in churches. But first a note from Provincetown, Mass., public sex in the dunes is  down. "P-town" often labeled a community that caters to those with gay lifestyles, has been attempting to create a more visitor-friendly atmosphere. The dunes have been a popular place for "rolls in the hay" or sand, as the case may be. But according to the Cape Cod Times, Park Rangers issued "significantly fewer tickets to people for public sex acts last summer... "The drop in tickets is due to a public education campaign waged by Seashore staff and a shortage of rangers, a park official said." Hmm, so maybe it's not really down, but there are not enough rangers to catch them in the act. Let's talk about sex among Christians. We've all read about the minister in Texas who challenged his congregation to seven nights of sex. Now there is a minister Daystar Church, whose congregation has grown dramatically under pastor Jerry Lawson, has run up against the sensibilities of a conservative north Alabama community with a monthlong focus on sex. Sex just isn't an appropriate topic for church, some say, and others are upset over the church's signs, which advertise the sermon series and accompanying Web site. "It's really stirred up the people here," said Good Hope town clerk Joann Jones. http://www.christianpost.com/church/General/2009/03/sex-sermons-cause-stir-in-rural-alabama-12/index.html This week on NPR org, it was reported that "Joy Wilson went looking for something to spice up her marriage without compromising her Christian beliefs. Finding nothing, she founded her own "sin-free" sex toy business. Book22.com caters to the Christian community with books, toys and occasional advice. There is also www.PureBed.com that is filled with items to enhance one's marriage. My own advice for couples of any religion is simple - with or without toys: kind words, loving gestures, laughter, and forgiveness works every time.

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Dune sex down, UK beach sex thrives

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
In the world of love and marriage, couples often enjoy a bit of a thrill. And one place that offered the excitement of public sex took place in Provincetown, Mass. which has been traditionally seen as a community that caters to those with gay lifestyles, But it was reported this week that at least in the dunes. public sex is down. The dunes have been a popular place for "rolls in the hay" or sand, as the case may be for both gay and straight couples, and perhaps those who are bisexual. http://www.amazon.com/Bisexuals-Guide-Universe-Quips-Lists/dp/155583650X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1237609928&sr=1-1 written by our Bisexuality Examiner Mike Szymanski. Regardless of sexual preference, according to the Cape Cod Times, Park Rangers issued "significantly fewer tickets to people for public sex acts last summer. The drop in tickets is due to a public education campaign waged by Seashore staff and a shortage of rangers, a park official said." Hmm, so maybe it's not really down, but there are not enough rangers to issues tickets. http://www.capecodonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090318/NEWS/903180322 The story is this -- last year tourists were angry about sex on the beaches and so the number of citations are said to have tripled. Nonetheless, the National Seashore is a federal preserve and public sex is prohibited. http://www.bostonherald.com/news/regional/general/view.bg?articleid=1105329&srvc=rss For those of you who like the thrill of sex in public, try the beaches in the UK. Frankly it is always so chilly on UK beaches one has no choice but to hide under blankets to snuggle if not have sex. This blogger offers 10 steps on beach sex. http://www.ehow.com/how_4845023_sex-public-uk-beaches.html Her last comment is quite important.  "Be respectful of police." My guy in Dubai tells me that the couple arrested for public sex in Dubai, when it is most definitely against the law, the partners in "crime" mouthed off to the police. Not a smart thing to do in a country in which you are guest, and in which it is even a crime to share living quarters if you are not married. When I think of beach sex, I am strictly a voyeur. Don't like all that sand blowing around. And who knows what the water will do to my hair color. As such, when I want a beach romance, I replay the scene "From here to eternity." It's here in my blog with a story about love and cheating. http://www.ritawatson.com/?p=399 Is it just a kiss? Sand dunes photo is from www.freefoto.com Copyright 2009 Rita Watson Let's talk about sex among Christians. Mindful of the challenges of money and the havoc it can wreak on relationships, last November a pastor in a Church in Texas attempted " to bring sex back into the heterosexual bedroom" and asked couples to engage is seven nights of sex." Pastor Ed Young made his marathon-sex challenge during this Sunday’s sermon to about 20,0000 members of his megachurch congregation. The 47 year old pastor who has four children, "says in today’s society — where promiscuity is promoted — sex needs to be reclaimed (and reigned supreme against all other types of sex). " He has said, "Life is more than dollars and sex, it is about relationships."   http://www.wowowow.com/post/texas-pastor-ed-young-sex-for-seven-days-marathon-sex-141137?page=1 Now there is a minister for the Daystar Church, whose congregation has grown dramatically under pastor Jerry Lawson. But he is offending some in north Alabama because of his month long focus on sex. http://www.christianpost.com/church/General/2009/03/sex-sermons-cause-stir-in-rural-alabama-12/index.html And now married couples are taking the lead. Just this week NPR org, reported that "Joy Wilson went looking for something to spice up her marriage without compromising her Christian beliefs. Finding nothing, she founded her own "sin-free" sex toy business. Book22.com caters to the Christian community with books, toys and occasional advice. There is also www.PureBed.com that is filled with items to enhance one's marriage. My own advice for couples of any religion - with or without toys -- the message is a simple one: kind words, loving gestures, laughter, and forgiveness works every time. Copyright 2009 Rita Watson -- www.ritawatson.com

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Beach sex triggers new rules in Dubai

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Kamran Jebreili / AP We all remember the Dubai beach scandal that I talked a bit about in "Dunes sex, beach sex, a popular thrill." As the story was told and re-told in the press, he was drinking and she was drinking. They kissed on the Jumeirah beach - well, maybe they did a bit more than kiss, and both ended up in jail after a lunch of too much bubbly. Public displays of affection do not play well in this country. And perhaps to help ease their sentence, they had a bit of a shotgun wedding. In late Novermber, the couple, who were arrested in July, submitted "a written undertaking that they'll get married pending church approval from London." http://archive.gulfnews.com/articles/08/11/25/10262495.html Incidently, both denied that they were having sex. So it is possible that the authorities found them on the beach and said something - but instead of humbly apologizing, they developed a too-much-to-drink attitude. As my guy in Dubai tells me, it has been whispered in that country that the real affront may have had as much to with their attitude toward the police as the act itself. "These people were guests in another country that has rules of behavior in public. People are expected to show a certain reverence to a host country," he said.   In a report in the March 18 th Economist.com, it was noted: "Authorities in Dubai are clamping down on inappropriate behaviour in the emirate. Al Emarat al Youm, an Arabic-language newspaper with ties to Dubai's ruling family, recently reported on the new guidelines, whose exact legal status remains unclear. http://www.economist.com/blogs/gulliver/2009/03/new_rules_for_dubai.cfm The rules were discussed in the March 19^th print edition of the Economist which ironically noted: "Even if the proposed rules are enforced, confining dancers to enclosed places, drinkers to designated bars, swimsuit-wearers to beaches and would-be hand-holders to their legitimate spouses, Dubai will still look ragingly liberal compared with its neighbours." http://www.economist.com/world/mideast-africa/displaystory.cfm?story_id=13337936 While the rules may not be rigid at resort areas, it is expected they will be strictly enforced in public areas. Bear in mind that when you travel - behavior is subject to consequences. The State Department issues alerts. For example, we often hear of students jailed in foreign countries because they were caught with marijuana. If you learn in advance the rules of a foreign country - observe them rather than test the authorities.

Love and Lies from Paris to Dubai

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Lying for love may be all the rage these days. And with new deception-analysis software and magnetic resonance imaging brain scans are being requested from businesses as well as those in relationships who have been accused of infidelity and wish to prove their innocence. While we often associate love lies with infidelity, an American in Paris tells us that love and lying may be inexplicably entwined. Twenty-something freelance translator Aimee Charest said, "A resounding ‘oui' for ladies who lie for relationships - guilty as charged. Everyone is afraid of being alone or being rejected. I think the real problem is that we lie to ourselves too much."                                      PIX OF AMIEE Lying to oneself can create both illusions and delusions. Bloggers are often asked, "Is it cheating if you are married and having a secret on-line relationship?" (Such questions are often prefaced with the words "But I really love my spouse.") The answer is always, "Yes, if it's a secret, it's emotional infidelity." If we follow the logic that it is easier to tell the truth than to tell a love lie, "who do people lie? I'll find something from another column here ‘Rog.   Then end with, regarding of what one says, love is chemistry. And chemistry may be why co-habitation is up in 14 countries even though marriage is down. But we know that one country where co-habitation will not be tolerated is Dubai. Roger Manny, a U.S. architect managing a project in Dubai, says, "It is whispered that love lies and cheating do go on here except in marriages among the more fundamentalist couples. Out of respect for the sanctity of family, they are expected to live by higher standards. But you see what is happening here in Dubai now - the new laws will be tough for foreign visitors to follow. It appears that the goal of the authorities create a lifestyle that seems to be heading towards an even more respectful society." Yet, he pointed out, "It's funny that you talk about lying for love. In my travels around the world, the bigger issue is not lying for love, but looking for love. Everywhere people are trying to find someone to love, romance, marry and maintain the intimacy of a good sex life, perhaps to recreate their initial passion." Aimee added, "Being in France, it seems that woman/man relationships are more carefully nurtured. There isn't a feeling that you can date more than one person at a time; it's more like if you don't like that person anymore, it's over, C'est la fin. "The French don't understand the whole ‘testing' people out; they can be more honest with their feelings (if it's about sex it's about sex). Sure it's easy to kid yourself that this dreamy French guy is the real deal, but the refreshingly honest thing is that you learn quickly that it's probably not... and that's okay!   "Sometimes I get the feeling that in the US we are searching for that special person to marry and begin our lives, instead of maybe living our lives for the right now.

Love and Lies from Paris to Dubai:

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Lying for love may be all the rage these days.While we often associate love lies with infidelity, an American in Paris tells us that love and lying may be inexplicably entwined. Twenty-something freelance translator Aimee Charest said, "A resounding ‘oui' for ladies who lie for relationships - guilty as charged. Everyone is afraid of being alone or being rejected. I think the real problem is that we lie to ourselves too much."                                      If we follow the logic that it is easier to tell the truth than to tell a love lie, "Why do people lie?" An insecurity. In reality the best predictor of how two people get along and the strength of their relationship might well be chemistry. And chemistry may be why co-habitation is up in 14 countries even though marriage is down. But we know that in one country co-habitation will not be tolerated, Dubai. Roger Manny, a U.S. architect managing a project in Dubai, says, "It is whispered that love lies and cheating do go on here except in marriages among the more fundamentalist couples. Out of respect for the sanctity of family, they are expected to live by higher standards." With regard to the new clamp down resulting from the beach sex scandal, he said, "You see what is happening here in Dubai now - the new laws will be tough for foreign visitors to follow. It appears that the goal of the authorities is create a lifestyle that seems to be heading towards an even more respectful society." But he added an interesting twist with regard to love and lies. Manny pointed out, "It's funny that you talk about lying for love. In my travels around the world, the bigger issue is not lying for love, but looking for love. "Everywhere people are trying to find someone to love, romance, marry and maintain the intimacy of a good sex life, perhaps to recreate their initial passion."
Aimee added, "Being in France, it seems that woman/man relationships are more carefully nurtured. There isn't a feeling that you can date more than one person at a time; it's more like if you don't like that person anymore, it's over, C'est la fin. "The French don't understand the whole ‘testing' people out; they can be more honest with their feelings (if it's about sex it's about sex). Sure it's easy to kid yourself that this dreamy French guy is the real deal, but the refreshingly honest thing is that you learn quickly that it's probably not... and that's okay!   "Sometimes I get the feeling that in the US we are searching for that special person to marry and begin our lives, instead of maybe living our lives for the here and now."

Secretly taping sex is not like a public photo

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Movie stars often complain about photographers intruding upon their privacy and yet
often relish and pose for photographers for high profile events. But what happens if you are a private citizen and learn that in the privacy of your boyfriend's bedroom, he is secretly taping the two of you having intimate relations? I came across a letter this week written in an Australian blog and I think it is worth sharing with you. The gist of it is even worse that we can imagine. This boyfriend not only has taped himself with other girlfriends, but takes delight in showing them off. The young woman who wrote to “Bossy” says that she is now friends with one of the younger taped women and wonders what to do? Regarding the taping, “Bossy” emphatically answered “It is illegal to tape someone having sex without their knowledge.” And pointed out that she hoped the young woman totally ransacked this unconscionable character’s bedroom looking for her tape. I encourage all women to read this article from Kate de Brito's blog – it is a bit disconcerting, but eye-opening. I_think_he_taped_us_having_sex As for what to do about the friend, “Talk to your friend alone, not in a corner at a party, but when it’s just the two of you. Let her know you’ve been worrying for a while about this issue, ever since it occurred to you she might have been a victim too.”
From my perspective, here are a few things you might do in the future.

Set up a no sex rule in his house and only share intimacy at your place, a bit controlling, though.

Insist you are into feng shui and can’t bear to have a TV screen staring at you, so you cover it with a sheet then make certain there is no remote in sight.

Hide every remote or clicker in the room.

Or simply be honest and say – “If I find out that you are taping us I will either call my brother the Sumo wrestler to visit you, or call the police. My brother might not be as kind as the police, but at least you won’t be in jail.”

If you are the least bit suspicious of your date based on conversations, better be safe than sorry. Kiss him good-bye.

One more thing – if by chance you enjoy being taped having sex, be darn sure that when you leave the place, you have the only copy held tightly in your hand. In this day of sexting images -- I would be super careful to protect my privacy. Copyright 2009 Rita Watson www.ritawatson.com

Sin-free sex toys in the US, lapdancing lust in London

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

An undated photo at Sapphire, a men's club in Las Vegas. (AP)I

Stripper 127 x 170 - 16k - jpg weirdnews.about.com I’ve tried, Lord knows I’ve tried to ... 223 x 162 - 4k - jpg phosnorkapages.blogspot.com By The Associated Press 300 x 300 - 45k - jpg www.wkrg.com

http://www.hornseyjournal.co.uk/content/haringey/hornseyjournal/news/story.aspx?brand=HCEJOnline&category=news&tBrand=northlondon24&tCategory=newshcej&itemid=WeED19%20Mar%202009%2011%3A54%3A56%3A340

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
It seems that Eros is alive and well. Even ministers are encouraging intimacy among members of their congregations. From the pastor who challenged the married members of his church to seven nights of sex to the minister who advertises his sermons about sex on his website, Christians are talking about sex. Recently it was reported on National Public Radio that "Joy Wilson went looking for something to spice up her marriage without compromising her Christian beliefs. Finding nothing, she founded her own 'sin-free' sex toy business. Book22.com caters to the Christian community with books, toys and occasional advice." There is also www.PureBed.com that is filled with items to enhance one's marriage. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=18975616 ere is the NPR link. Are you a couple that is not comfortable talking about sex or using sex toys? Here is simple intimacy advice -- kind words, loving touches, a body rub, laughter, and forgiveness works every time. But let's face up to what is happening both in the US and abroad - pole dancing, lap dancing, burlesque, Internet porn, and a new wave or erotic books. Maybe it isn't so bad, If it helps strengthen marriages and relationships than "Why not?"
But for many, there is a fear attached to the unknown which became evident when lapdancing tried to make its way to a little place on the outskirts of London. Said Ed West of the Telegraph in talking about the community, "The men walk around with Papooses, the women buy recyclable nappies for their babies (and then chuck them in the bin, like everybody else.) This is It's Grim Up North London territory - and residents are not pleased about having a strip club on their door." http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/edwest/blog/2009/03/24/when_lapdancing_came_to_guardian_country

But the club's owners were on the mark when Serdel Ziya said: "It is the unknown. People just think of it as sleazy and they don't really know what it's all about. But our research has shown that there is a lot less trouble at places like this [than at a club]."

As for how such clubs might arouse men -- right again, "Most men think about sex 24/7 anyway

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

This Kathy

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Hi Everyone

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

With all the books, secrets, and matcmaking services today, we know that we live in a society that is looking for love and romance. In fact, last year, weddings in far away places were considered fantasies. Search the Internet and you will see couples celebrating their marriage in Botswana.

For me, the story of love in Botswana captured my heart when Precious Ramotswe rather casually mentions that she married her mechanic in The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency some years ago.

And while I know this story is now a new HBO series, I encourage you to read the books and learn a little bit about loving.
AP photo, Botswana

I somehow do not see that the nuances of the the book will be captured in film.

Despite all the stories, sometimes quite sad, this is what I found – a woman (although the author is a

man) who understands relationships. When you follow her travels through Botswana in her white van, you will become as delighted as I was to learn how she became a wife – in a very low key way.

The novels were written by Alexander McCall Smith who weaves a tale of a woman who takes money left to her by her father, a cattle farmer, and following a disastrous marriage to a jazz musician, she sets up The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency in Gaborone. Her tiny white van brought her to meet and marry her love, “the finest mechanic in Botswana,"

In terms of looking for love Emily Brandon  wrote about the difference between young love and mature love in US News and World Report “The biggest difference is you have some experience. You already have a love story inside you. You're a lot freer. You've completed your adult tasks, which are to raise a family and establish yourself in the community…You are freer to define the kind of life you want to lead. That's a wonderful bonus for relationships. You put a premium not on scoring with someone, but on connecting with someone and being who you really are."

Precious Ramotswe has one such love story and it embraces all the children and families who come into her world. Read the books!   And when you see the cover, you will understand why I chose the AP photo of two women taking respite from the sun in Botswana. The No 1 Ladies Detective Agency And you will marvel at the author.

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Test Page

arvidtp — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

LINKS KEEP

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Relationship Columns Sinatra, my father, and memories good and bad Rita Watson, World News, Sinatra, my father //www.projo.com/opinion/contributors/content/CT_nurita5_04-05-09_4QDTG4L_v17.3e65086.html

Cigar MAsters

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

National Relationships Examiners Examiners explore topics and share their insights

City Secret: Cigar Masters is not for men only

March 6, 1:26 PM · Add a Comment

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Cigars are not just for men. In fact, if you really want to impress your guy, take him over to Cigar Masters in Providence.
It all started for me in Boston one day, when I went into a shop to find a good cigar for a good guy. And I became a fan myself. Can you imagine my delight when a neighbor took me on a surprise excursion? We walked by the Westin one day, and there came the comforting scent of good cigars.
The atmosphere is perfectly suited for “the guys large plasma screen TV” to socialize. But the bar and entry couches are warm and cozy.

Here is the best part – the bartenders make you feel at home. Jeremy Soares and the warm staff are always there to greet you. And the cigars and atmosphere are premium quality

For example, I like the Davidoff’s, a bit more pricy than most, but I like them. However one evening I was there with a neighbor who has clients in Connecticut. We searched around in the humidor and within minutes Jeremy said, “Here it is, the Ashton. The leaves are right from your neighborhood.” And he gave us a bit of history that was intriguing.

Magazines, maybe. Jeremy, yes. Despite what you think you can learn from a magazine, talking to someone who truly knows cigars and smokes maybe 40 a week is the only real way to develop your cigar education.

Jeremy always says, “We want clients to leave knowing a little more about the art of cigar smoking than when they came in. We want everyone leaving Cigars Masters to understand our products at their core level." Tell Jeremy what flavors intrigue you and those you like to taste and he will find a cigar for you. I’m serious about taste – chocolate, nuts, florals, wine flavors, fruity – there is a cigar for you.

AND A WORD ABOUT JEREMY -- you won't find this serious looking professional.  You will follow the laughter, or look for the instructor, That's Jeremy.

My advice – make a visit there before you take your guy best guy and let Jeremy give you a quick lesson or two in “cigaring.” And by the by, he also has pretty good relationship advice.
Photo tour and videos: Here is their photo tour. http://www.cigarmasters.com/prov.htm
They are open seven days a week. Cigar Masters Providence is located at One West Exchange Street lower lever of the Westin. Phone is 401-383-9002. Brandon Salomon is the Founder & Principal. (Photo from J. Soares at Cigar Masters)
To read more about cigars on my blog, go to: A Cigar Story, A Job Club, and the SEC is Sued Copyright 2009 Rita Watson: www.ritawatson.com

Author: Rita Watson

Rita Watson is a National Examiner. You can see Rita's articles on Rita's Home Page.

Cheaters: Why Men and Dogs Should Come with Papers

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Frank Sinatra and my father, his sound consultant

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Here is a photo of Frank and my father that has been in his memory book.
ALTHOUGH today his memory is slipping

Borrow that man

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Borrow that man, the one who cleans and builds

April 7, 12:11 PM · Add a Comment

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Paul Sakuma/ AP file
She divorced him why? He was cleaning the house too much! Can I borrow that man, the one who knocked down a wall that got dirty and then rebuilt it? I don’t see a problem here.  But apparently they had bigger problems in Berlin that we didn’t read about this week. Reuters.com/Oddly Enough News
The irony of men and housework is that last year at about this time, many stories surfaced saying that men who did housework “got more sex.”

In the 90s reports from The Work and Family Institute by Ellen Galinsky and Dana Friedman indicated that women still did the majority of work in the home. But the good news is that just last year a report from the Pew Foundation found that couples believed in sharing chores.

However, shortly thereafter the economy took a nose dive leaving many men too depressed to take on added responsibility at home. And instead of participating in the upkeep of a house, they reach for a drink, a TV remote, or a magazine. For advice on how to handle this, see  Stressed women

For those who have forgotten the book about men and housework, here is a Newsweek link refresher. Newsweek.com

As for the gentleman in Berlin doing the housework, you might be too much of a Mr. Clean and I would probably need to hire a service before I could borrow you.

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson -- www.ritawatson.com

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
this this is the day

hwello

arvidtp — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Making money on lovers spanking skirts from Pakistan to the US

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

div While most couples enjoy an intimate evening with sexy negligee, how would you react if your husband or lover came home with a spanking skirt? Leather leather fronts typical short skirts, these have an open buckled back to reveal your tender backside? Would you jump right into it for some sudden titillating passion? Or would you be appalled? On the flip side, might you purchase one, with a thin riding crop perhaps and surprise him?! In an era in which we have seen marriages crumble in the wake of scandalous trysts with women from escort services, perhaps a man who brings home a spanking skirt is merely trying to set up a dialogue – one that says, “We need more excitement in our marriage.” Take it as a cue and not an insult. The industry is growing. It seems that there is an increasing demand for erotica which appears to be fueled by the Internet. Right now in Pakistan, according to a New York Times report this week, “Lacy Threads and Leather Straps Bind a Business,” a little company in Karachi has a $1 million industry catering to the fetish and bondage products for the United States and Europe.

While most couples enjoy an intimate evening with sexy negligee, how would you react if your husband or lover came home with a spanking skirt? Leather leather fronts typical short skirts, these have an open buckled back to reveal your tender backside? Would you jump right into it for some sudden titillating passion? Or would you be appalled? On the flip side, might you purchase one, with a thin riding crop perhaps and surprise him?!
What would you do if your husband or lover came home with a sexy negligee for you? Most probably you would enjoy it. What about a spanking skirt -- those skirts with leather fronts and an open buckled back to reveal your tender backside? Would you jump right into it for some sudden titillating passion? Or would you be appalled?

In an era in which we have seen marriages crumble in the wake of scandalous trysts with women from escort services, perhaps a man who brings home a spanking skirt is merely trying to set up a dialogue – one that says, “We need more excitement in our marriage.”

Take it as a cue and not an insult. The industry is growing.

It seems that there is an increasing demand for erotica which appears to be fueled by the Internet. Right now in Pakistan, according to a New York Times report this week, “Lacy Threads and Leather Straps Bind a Business,” a little company in Karachi has a $1 million industry catering to the fetish and bondage products for the United States and Europe.

They sell primarily online and through eBay. According to the founders, their market research tells them that “70 percent of their customers were middle-to upper-class Americans and a majority of them Democrats. The Netherlands and Germany account for the bulk of their European sales.”

New York Times

Keep in mind that costumes and toys sometimes give a couple a few moments of fun – that may turn around the problems faced in 20 million sexless marriages.

When I questioned the notion that this could be demeaning to women, one of my colleagues pointed out that when a woman dons a spanking skirt, the pleasurable pain is something she most likely enjoys, if it stays on a fun and sensual level.

According to the Guardian.co.uk, exotic and erotic lingerie sales are on the rise, despite the recession.

Guardian.co.uk

Book jacket photo: Cleis Press, book by Alison Tyler

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson
They sell primarily online and through eBay. According to the founders, their market research tells them that “70 percent of their customers were middle-to upper-class Americans and a majority of them Democrats. The Netherlands and Germany account for the bulk of their European sales.”

New York Times

Keep in mind that costumes and toys sometimes give a couple a few moments of fun – that may turn around the problems faced in 20 million sexless marriages.

When I questioned the notion that this could be demeaning to women, one of my colleagues pointed out that when a woman dons a spanking skirt, the pleasurable pain is something she most likely enjoys, if it stays on a fun and sensual level.

According to the Guardian.co.uk, exotic and erotic lingerie sales are on the rise, despite the recession.
Guardian.co.uk

Book jacket photo: Cleis Press, book by Alison Tyler
Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
ChafeeGreen Chafee Green is where the news and ideas intersect to create green enterprise solutions.  Harnessing the strengths of the legal profession  Navigating the legislative process  Determining financing mechanisms  Partnering with the building and construction industry In this burgeoning far-flung world of green, think of Chafee Green as a place which has easy access to:  The Town Hall handling legal, legislation, and regulatory statues  A Bank offering finance ideas from grants to venture capitalists  The Library providing a knowledge base of information about clean energy: wind, solar, electronic VIDEO: Professor Najam Watson to Collins continues: April 30th Along the right hand side: Features The Legal Case Cape Wind Project – the legislative nightmare Solar Energy – why it succeeded in Germany Interview with Roger and the new LEED coding Categories: Links to In the News Construction Legal Lifestyle Magazines Entrepreneurs

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
http://www.projo.com/opinion/contributors/content/CT_watson3_05-03-09_C1E72MM_v13.3e69dc1.html

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
It is becoming a green world as more consumers are falling in love with the concept of clean energy, sustainability, and environmental responsibility. While there are now a myriad of green websites and special features appearing in magazines such a TIME, House Beautiful, and recently a green business special in the New York Times, it seems that Reuters has taken the green movement seriously. They have created a green news section: But first, this note. In my tireless (or perhaps obsessive) search these days for GREEN, this link, the US GREEN BUILDING COUNCIL, thanks to architect Roger Manny. Green Building Council
Sen. Reid optimistic on climate bill progress

They are featuring five green businesses to watch, environmental videos, and also “cracking the mystery of green jobs. Here are some of the other stories for those who are loving green.

U.S. bill to create clean energy investment agency

Chinese company to finance $300 million in U.S. wind farms

Critics say UK carbon scheme snubs renewable energy

U.S. coal power plants scuttled, Sierra Club cheers

U.S. lawmakers discuss more government power over grid

Oil punt makes big bucks but coastlines at risk
Traditionally we have talked of green as money, now it is the environment. But here is another bit of green, but the heart chakra. Green is the color of love and it is becoming the color to love.
Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
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Love is a challenge for long distance lovers. And there is a “his” and “hers” side to long distance relationships. Whether or not they last depends upon time and commitment.

In this tanking economy, many couples are going to find themselves seeking jobs wherever they can be found.

What will this mean for your relationship if it happens to you? I know quite a number of married couples who have done quite well on long distance relationships — both parties were (are) professional couples, totally devoted to each other because they have no children.

Stating up a relationship that is going to be long distance has a higher failure rate because the bond has not had time to establish itself.

What are the success factors? Success factors include ease of travel, time together (every two to three weeks is best), and an approximately equal income helps in terms of independence. Most often marriage is what makes the long distance relationship a success — unless it is a second marriage and children are involved. It helps to be in the same country, but if not, the same time zone helps to make communicating less stressful.

Avice columns: Most of the advice columns on LDRs — with regard to new couples — suggest an "end” time goal. Six months for marriage. But keep in mind that the LDR is artificial in itself — and that too many couples try it, move in together or wed — and then face the shock of routine or each other’s real habits and needs within three - six months. By then the thrill and the excitement are gone and day to day sets in. Yes, those are his dirty socks on your newly made bed!

For independent women, it often only takes only a few weeks of being with someone on their turf living their daily business routine to determine if the relationship can go forward. Relationships under the best conditions are stressful. If your circumstances in this economy force you into an LDR, keep the passion going!

Advice from the men: Ask Men Advice from the women: from the Women What made me think of this column today? My guy from Dubai is flying in!

Fabulous photo from Travelhouseuk.wordpress.com

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson www.ritawatson.com

Love is a challenge for long distance lovers. And there is a "his" and "hers" side to long distance relationships. Whether or not they last depends upon time and commitment. In this tanking economy, many couples are going to find themselves seeking jobs wherever they can be found. What will this mean for your relationship if it happens to you? I know quite a number of married couples who have done quite well on long distance relationships - both parties were (are) professional couples, totally devoted to each other because they have no children. Stating up a relationship that is going to be long distance has a higher failure rate because the bond has not had time to establish itself. What are the success factors? Success factors include ease of travel, time together (every two to three weeks is best), and an approximately equal income helps in terms of independence. Most often marriage is what makes the long distance relationship a success - unless it is a second marriage and children are involved. It helps to be in the same country, but if not, the same time zone helps to make communicating less stressful. Avice columns: Most of the advice columns on LDRs - with regard to new couples - suggest an "end" time goal. Six months for marriage. But keep in mind that the LDR is artificial in itself - and that too many couples try it, move in together or wed - and then face the shock of routine or each other's real habits and needs within three - six months. By then the thrill and the excitement are gone and day to day sets in. Yes, those are his dirty socks on your newly made bed! For independent women, it often only takes only a few weeks of being with someone on their turf living their daily business routine to determine if the relationship can go forward. Relationships under the best conditions are stressful. If your circumstances in this economy force you into an LDR, keep the passion going! Advice from the men: Ask Men Advice from the women: from the Women What made me think of this column today? My guy from Dubai is flying in! Fabulous photo from Travelhouseuk.wordpress.com Copyright 2009 Rita Watson www.ritawatson.com

Bernie Madoff, Fortune Magazine story on how he pulled off the swindle

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

By James Bandler and Nicholas Varchaver

View photosThe Madoff family business seemed to be an inspiring success -- until its patriarch revealed himself to be a con man for the history books. Scenes from a double life

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MADOFF MESS

Stories

Madoff trustee recovers $1 billion

How Bernie Madoff did it

How Bernie did it

Judge blocks Madoff bankruptcy

Investors push Madoff toward bankruptcy

Burned investors sound off

Complete coverage

Galleries

Madoff: Lifestyles of the rich and infamous

Video

Madoff's London secrets

Whistleblower vindicated

Minnesota's Madoff mess

Madoff blame game

Investing after Madoff

Madoff victim speaks out

What made Bernie Madoff tick

Avoiding the next Madoff

Madoff victim now penniless

More from Fortune

Getting the economy back on track

Intel's chipped credibility

What if global-warming fears are overblown?

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NEW YORK (Fortune) -- The employees were transfixed. Standing on the mid-Manhattan trading floor of Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities in late 2007, a half-dozen staffers stared up at the ceiling-mounted TV as CNBC aired a report on the mysterious Palm Beach death of a hedge fund manager who had been leading a double life. The police, it appeared, were even considering the possibility that he had been murdered. "Bernie," someone casually asked as Madoff happened to walk by, "have you heard of this guy?" Madoff glanced at the screen, blanched, and exploded: "Why the fuck would I be interested in some shit like that?" The employees recoiled. "I never saw him react like that before," says a Madoff trader who witnessed the outburst. "It obviously hit a nerve." 0 http://money.cnn.com/2009/04/24/news/newsmakers/madoff.fortune/

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Susan Boyle: the economy and the rainbow

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
I am an incurable romantic and an eternal optimist. So when the conversation tonight turned to the US dollar at its lowered level this year, I shrugged it off. The comes the news that there were about 500,000 job cuts in April. But I counter with "green jobs will proliferate over the next 20 years." “We don’t have that much time,” shrieked one of the couples in our group of usual suspects. And I reminded them that sometimes our cynicism takes over and if we strip away preconceived ideas, a Susan Boyle could blossom in our lives. The world is full of surprises. And while you read the rest of this piece, you may wish to listen to this 6-year-old who converted a very grumpy Simon. A room from many angles: With Susan Boyle, when we first came to know her, it was from the stage angle -- a stage that glorifies youth and beauty. And we judged her – we laughed. Then she began to sing and another form of beauty emerged. She became our rainbow in this recession. Today couples are stressed. Marriages are strained. Every day the financial news looms heavily. When I first began writing about couples and the economy, I phoned William H. Sledge, MD, interim chief of psychiatry at Yale and I asked him about the Susan Boyle phenomenon. Susan’s voice: He said, “Her singing voice is terrific. But it appears to be made more so by the contrast between how she looks (not glamorous) and the way she sounds (very glamorous). Maybe we need something to pick us up and look at from under the dog during these difficult times. “But I am more inclined to think that what you are seeing in the outpouring of attention is the surprise, excitement, and thrill when our expectations are greatly exceeded. All aided and abetted by the contrast between her and the judges who have used the occasion to reveal their humanity as well which apparently they sometimes successfully suppress. Confident before judges: His next thought resonates. Dr. Sledge says, “She does the song and begins to walk off the stage. She has to be coaxed back to find out what the judges are thinking – and this suggests that it does not matter much to her or at least not enough to make a spectacle of herself in anxious anticipation. “At the same time when she learns that they have voted her back, she is able to show her unadorned joy.   Susan Boyle is hype immune. And that makes her our heroine.” Susan Boyle reached inside of her heart and soul and gave us her gift of song. We each probably need to look within to find our own gifts to help us through tough times and give joy to those whom we love. Just as we anticipate hearing Susan sing her next song, we might anticipate a moment in which we can relax and believe that when after the clouds break open, a sun will shine, and if we look up towards that sun, a rainbow will appear. Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

The Economic Crisis according to Michael Moore

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
We hear from Politics Daily that Michael Moore has a new film out. Never a big fan or corporate America, once again the film targets the rich and the powerful. David Knowles asks and answers the question, "Does he have a point?" "Sure. And so do the people who finger the Senate Banking Committee. Lost in both arguments is the fact that practically everyone in America, rich and poor, got swept up in the economic exuberance that reigned over the past two decades. Individual citizens, as well as corporations and government entities, made a whole host of bad decisions. "Did there need to be greater regulation in the marketplace? Yes. Did government get carried away with the idea of never-ending economic growth? Yes. Did the American public get drunk on an endless supply of credit? Yes. "While Moore's films often serve to spark much-needed debate, it remains to be seen how his expose on corporate guilt will resonate with audiences not already pre-disposed to that very point-of-view." Politics Daily Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
This is a test to see what happens when I insert a pix

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Our Love Affair with Green    003300 Our Love Affair with Green 009900 Our Love Affair with Green #2f883c Our Love Affair with Green #009933
Our Love Affair with Green 003300

Our Love Affair with Green 009900

Our Love Affair with Green #2f883c

Our Love Affair with Green #009933

Our Love Affair with Green

The train, the train!

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

From Creme de la Mode
Although as many of you read yesterday, love and commitment is on the rise, just not marriage. On the rise: commited in love but not in marriage, from gay solidarity to a simple union For those still looking for love, the magical uniform is a reminder of the only animal in mythology and history that was born out of love and not from fear and is often pictured resting its head on the lap of a fair maiden. I remember how pleased I was to learn that last year the unicorn had been found in Italy. I wondered then, and was reminded again now -- is it time to find or rekindle love?
The Italian Unicorn
Last year the Italian press reported that “A deer with a single horn in the center of its head - much like the fabled, mythical unicorn - has been spotted in a nature preserve in Italy. “This is fantasy becoming reality,” Gilberto Tozzi, director of the Center of Natural Sciences in Prato, told The Associated Press. “The unicorn has always been a mythological animal.” To see photos and read more,The Italian Unicorn. If a magical animal can become real, so can true love.  But this is the secret. Break old habits. Even if you think you are happy now, ask yourself — “Is he or she part of a pattern? Have I done this before and ended up miserable? Was I manipulated or duped? Maybe you are saying to yourself, “This time it’s different.” Oh, really. Than take the time to take the quiz. Take yourself seriously enough to break with the past, Consider the odds that may be against you.   Get over the ego that says, “I know people tell me that this can’t work, but….” Take a look at Robert Sternberg’s questionnaire — What is Your Love Story? If you are a caretaker, or a rescuer, rethink the role. Finding Your Love Story Two simple quizzes and one lovely thought. Are you dating the right person? Take this quiz from LifeScript to help you determine if you are in the right relationship. Or are you in the wrong relationship and heading for heartbreak? Are_You_Dating_The_Right_Person

While I try to remain “neutral but opinionated” we can always count on Maureen Dowd of the New York Times to tell it like it is. She says stay away from men who have no friends, can be stepped on, or are tied to Mama’s apron strings. Here is a Cosmopolitan quiz. Is_he_only_after_your_bod

The love of her life: I have a friend who didn't marry until she was in her late 40's. She was so disappointed from a first early marriage that ended in divorce that she thought she would never marry again. Then someone gave her a beautiful journal. Each day she wrote herself a story about the man she wished to love. She talked about qualities, values, and her hopes and dreams for togetherness.

One day she was visiting Jamaica and as she walked through a hotel a man approached her and asked if she wanted to attend his art opening. He said to me, "You don't know me, I you look like a woman who appreciates the arts."

The more time the two spent together, the more she realized that he was man she had written about in her journal. They were married within a year.
A serious love scenario, in which “lifelong” is a priority, will foster happiness, good health and youthfulness at any age. You owe yourself the time!

Steamy, sexy advice for women only

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Steamy, sexy advice for women only

June 11, 4:52 PM · 2 comments

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AP Photo/ Evan Agostini (Kim Cattrel)
Don't let the sex blahs get you down! Dr. Laura Berman has some good advice for women. When you read her thoughts or watch the video you will understand why women owe it to themselves to spend more time with girlfriends and enjoy sex more often with husbands and lovers. In an earlier piece from WebMD that talked about men maintaining a sex drive more so than women -- the statistics were not pretty.   Dr. Berman says to watch out for The Hurried Woman Syndrome -- women trying to do it all, whether they are stay-at-home moms or working moms. MSNBC The ladies on Sex and the City might give some help and a few useful clues despite the new studies that say "Even as men and women age, men still fantasize twice as often as do the women and also have more spontaneous sexual arousal." Here are facts: Sex: men, women, fantasies, and desire -- now let's defy them! Sudden passion: a series to heat up romance
Sudden passion: a series to heat up romance

Sex: men, women, fantasies, and desire

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sex: men, women, fantasies, and desire

June 11, 1:28 AM · 1 comment

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AP Photo/ Sex in the City
Who most enjoys sex - men or women? If you were a devoted follower of "Sex in the City" you might think that the answer is "women." Not so according to a recent major survey of sexual practices reported on WebMD it seems that men think about sex at least once a day, whereas 25% of women surveyed thought of sex once a day. Even as men and women age, men still fantasize twice as often as do the women and also have more spontaneous sexual arousal.
"Sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context," says Edward O. Laumann, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago and lead author of a major survey of sexual practices, The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States.

Here are seven patterns of men's and women's sex drives that researchers have found.

1. Men think more about sex.

2. Men seek sex more avidly -- at the start of a relationship, in the middle of it, and after many years of it. Gay men report more sex than do lesbians.

3. Women's sexual inclinations are more complicated than men's.

4. Women's sex drives are more influenced by social and cultural factors.

5. Women take a less direct route to sexual satisfaction, as such, the romance novel

6. Women experience orgasms differently than men.

7. Women's libidos seem to be less amenable to drugs - whereas men have a field day with those little blue pills. WebMD sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare

What does this mean for love and marriage? It means that women who want to keep intimacy alive may consider buying the books on 365 days of sex. NY Times, "Yes, dear, again tonight."

Loving words are the surest way to keep love alive.

Communication is key. Women with hidden agendas will soon learn that their husbands or lovers have secret loves or sex partners on the side.

Kiss each other often. Kisses, loving and passionate, stimulate desire.

Keep romance loving and daring. Thinking about sex in terms of planning for an evening of excitement can be very satisfying.

Find a few sudden passion ideas that will keep your relationship sizzling. Sudden passion: a series to heat up romance

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Sudden passion: a series to heat up romance

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sudden passion: a series to heat up romance

June 8, 12:25 PM · 1 comment

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The concept of sudden passion, hot and unexpectedly intimate moments, is really my way of suggesting you spice up your own relationship. If you have a romance that seems to be at a standstill, "kick it up a notch." Sometimes women, and men, become bored and they find themselves suddenly attracted to a member of the opposite sex who appears to offer a bit of danger, a bit of lust. Women are too easily burned by the man who is hot, sexy, and intimate but who doesn’t have his head together.
I received an email from a friend who found herself in the throes of a torrid romance. Despite all of my cautionary words, she was left in a crying heap within months. Then someone sent me the email that follows and it could have come directly from my dear friend (her guy was even the same age -- hmm a life crisis guy). Four weeks of passion and now he wants platonic

Here are links to my Sudden Passion postings up to now -- lots more slated for a steamy summer. Think of sudden passion as a way of enhancing your own love.
Sudden passion: a silk blindfold

As she related the story, a hazy passionate glaze seemed to envelop her. "He placed the blindfold gently over my eyes," she began....Keep Reading »

Sudden passion: the shag bag of pleasure and hot kisses -- an update

The Shag Bag is a not-so-pure but very simple bag of sexy treats. And I thank you all for reminding me that the men in your life carry shag bags onto...Keep Reading »

Sudden passion: porn for wives and lovers with succulent ideas

Some tasty ideas here should you catch your husband or lover watching porn. Rather than an argument, how about giving him an experience that is...Keep Reading »

Sudden passion: the book between erotica and porn

In writing about Sudden passion: porn for wives and lovers, I came across a notice about something special happening with our Denver Sex and Romance...Keep Reading »

Sudden passion: porn for wives and lovers

What should you do if you catch your husband or lover watching porn? Give him an experience that is so hot, so passionate, and so unpredictable...Keep Reading »
Sudden passion: sex surge, pregnancy, Sex in the City

Whenever you worry that you are having a sudden sex surge, reassure yourself, it is perfectly normal, even during pregnancy. Some women worry when...Keep Reading »

Sudden passion: Titillating spanking stories and skirts

How far are you willing to go for titillation? If your husband or lover came home with a sexy negligee for you, you would wear it and enjoy it....Keep Reading »

Sudden passion: Sex with a stranger, have you?

It happens more than we realize. In fact it happens much more than even I realized when I wrote this a few days ago. As such, at the end, you...Keep Reading »

Sudden passion: sex drive surge, update - even in pregnancy!

Every once in a while a woman writes a story about a sudden sex urge. Some women worry when they have a sudden desire to truly enjoy the pleasures of...Keep Reading »

Hot kisses from Bollywood http://crazeypavan.blogspot.com/2008/06/kisses.html
Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

From Oprah, find the love of your life

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

From Oprah, find the love of your life

June 9, 11:56 PM · Add a Comment

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AP Photo / Tom and Katie
I have a theory about love. We see it and find it first in our hearts. For that reason, this week I am starting my Seven Steps to your Dream Love. But I did receive a link today from a friend who read Helen Fisher's theories in Oprah's magazine. Dr. Fisher is the chief scientific advisor for Chemistry.com and she says here, "In the spring of 2007, 500 couples who read O participated in an online survey I developed to explore how happy different personality combinations are together. The findings were stunning. More than 70 percent said they would marry the same person again—after an average of 16 years together. That is a supreme achievement." She developed four types of personalities and how to find your match.

The Explorer -- Highly curious, creative, energetic, spontaneous.

The Builder -- Calm, social, popular, and good at managing people, networking, and building family and community.

The Director -- Analytical and logical, straightforward, decisive, tough minded, and focused.

The Negotiator -- Imaginative, intuitive, empathetic, and emotionally expressive, and have good verbal and social skills.

What are your thoughts on a love match? Oprah.com In my unicorn story last week I talked about this being the year of finding love. I said, "If a magical animal can become real, so can true love.  But this is the secret. Break old habits. Even if you think you are happy now, ask yourself — “Is he or she part of a pattern? Have I done this before and ended up miserable? Was I manipulated or duped?" Maybe you are saying to yourself, “This time it’s different.” So I suggested you take the quiz. Dr. Robert Sternberg did an extensive questionnaire several years back called: What is Your Love Story? And here he talked about mistakes we make by seeking out the same problem over and over again.   Finding Your Love Story For those of you wondering if you are dating the right person and if marriage will ever come your way take this quiz. Are_You_Dating_The_Right_Person Happiness/ RitaE

Nude again: the French president's wife

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Nude again: the French president's wife

June 8, 2:21 AM · 1 comment

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AP Photo/ J.J. Guillen
The press is having a field day once again as another nude photo of Carla Bruni, wife of French President Sarkozy, was auctioned on Thursday. The photo showing Mme Sarkozy draped with a sheet and on a bed fetched only about $19,000, whereas as earlier nude photo brought in about $91,000.
The most recent nude photo was purchased by an anonymous bidder at a Berlin auction house. It depicts “a nude Bruni lounging in an unmade bed captured by American fashion photographer Pamela Hanson in 1994.” Carla-bruni-another-nude-photo-of-french-first-lady-surfaces

Carla Bruni was a well know fashion model before she married Sarkozy. However, could the president have anticipated nude photos for sale of the first lady? His comment? No comment. BBC News

In a display of public affection – and believe me I think public displays of affection are very healthy for marriages – The Times of India reported: “The intimate moments, recorded during an interview, mark the first time that a French president and his first lady have been filmed sharing such flirtatious moments in the Elysee Palace.” Times of India

Good for Sarkozy and good for those who say, “They are married. They are in love. And love is good.” As for the nude photos, it seems that both the president and the people are saying, “C’est la vie.”

If your ex is still in the picture, try the feng shui of love

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

If your ex is still in the picture, try the feng shui of love

June 7, 1:22 AM · 1 comment

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AP Photo -What's wrong with this picture today?
If your names happen to be Brad and Jen and Brad is married to Angelina but still friends with Jen, then I guess the answer is "yes" your ex is still in the picture. Tinseltown has been in a tizzy over Brad and Jen sightings these days, and the gossips have been having a field day with reports that Angie is furious, or is she? The Brad Pitt factor In reality, I personally see nothing wrong in remaining friends with an ex as long as it does not interfer with a current relationship and create an emotional threesome. There must be something going around. A cartoon this week depicted a huge cloud shaped like a man's face hovering over a couple. The young man says, "Why do I get the feeling that your ex is watching us?" If your ex is still in the picture, try the feng shui of love The ancient of placement, feng shui has been in the news a lot these days. Most people think of it in terms of the proper placement of furniture, but it is really a clearing our ceremony to make way for more intimacy. For example, there is a special placement of chairs so that you can interact more effectively and communicate better with others.
Attracting love feng shui begins with clearing out clutter. Feng Shui advocates say that no room, no closet, no drawer should be stuffed with worn out objects. You need to clear away the clutter to invite the "Chi" or good luck into your lives.

How do you do this with love?

Clear out the baggage of old relationships.

Toss old pictures, mementos of past, stale relationships.

Stop thinking about ways you were hurt.

Reverse thoughts that are painful. For every time you think of the injustice, think of the one positive experience you had with a previous partner -- and focus on that.

Refuse to get into conversations in which you replay negativity. When you find yourself in the trap, stop and remember a positive quality about the other person.

Think about what brought you happiness with a previous partner.

Think about the kinds of happiness you brought to each other.

Strive to find positive qualities in someone new.

If you still care for your ex, release those love feelings, particularly if he or she is in another relationship, but hold onto the possibility of finding that quality in someone new.

Keep yourself open to new love.

Now to try to bring new love into your home and bedroom, here are some feng shui tips About.com/love Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

A double cougar day

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

A double cougar day

June 5, 10:54 PM · Add a Comment

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AP Photo of Demi with Ashton
From "The Cougar" finale to the newest cougar, it has been an interesting day in the wild. The New York Post reported today that the son of famed party photographer Patrick McMullam, Liam, 21, is engaged to Aesha Waks, 35, an aspiring actress whom he has known for a month. There is an interesting story about this young man in the movie Twelve, the story of a teen who deals drugs at his private school, a first role for Liam. Observer
The news comes as we learn that Stacey Anderson picks Jimmy Heck on the Cougar finale -- “ho hum.”

The show itself came with lots of good publicity but after the first episode Rebecca Traister writing for Salon said:   “A confession: I hate cougars. I hate the word 'cougar.' I hate the concept of cougars. I hate the new show 'The Cougar.' A new reality show reminds us (again) that an adult woman with a libido is a crazed wildcat. What's so empowering about that?" Salon.com And the New York Daily News said, “No loss if TV land’s the Cougar became extinct."

As an incurable romantic I believe in love, marriage, and relationships. But as I pointed out in my New Year article, this year we are being challenged to put aside traditional thinking and if we can look at Cougars in a positive light, it is a pretty exciting concept.

In talking about Cougar relationships, Susan Shapiro Barash, a gender expert and author who teaches at Marymount Manhattan College, in New York says, “The relationship is a meeting of the minds — soul mates. This is a very bold step for these couples because they are defining themselves differently than the traditional family.”

She adds: “It is empowering for women who marry younger men. This defies the norm in a prescribed role. With older and richer men marrying younger women there was always tacit approval of the trophy wife; whereas women do not view the younger men in their lives as arm candy.”

Thank you Susan, I feel as if reality TV takes away from the special union that two people find when they have the courage to seek out a love relationship that defies the norm.

If you are looking for love, you may enjoy the article and the beautiful picture: The mythical unicorn and finding magical love

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

On the rise, committed in love but not in marriage

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

On the rise: commited in love but not in marriage, from gay solidarity to a simple union

June 4, 10:05 AM · 1 comment

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AP Photo / Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon
Whether because of escalating marital infidelity, solidarity with gay couples who have been denied the right to marry, or what has been a 50 percent divorce rate, living together instead of marriage is on the rise in 13 countries.
According to Time magazine, “More than 5 million unmarried couples cohabit in the U.S., nearly eight times the number in 1970, and a record-breaking 40% of babies born in 2007 had unmarried parents (that's up 25% from 2002).

In a letter to the editor at Time magazine this week someone expressed a growing sentiment: “Even though it can be tricky at times, we are living in domestic-partnership bliss, and I hope in our lifetimes we and our gay friends will be able to check the MARRIED box on census forms.

TIME

Last July I wrote a piece for the Providence Journal called, “New Rules for Open Marriage,” and interviewed a young couple from Portland, Oregon. She said: “Marriage is a government and legal institution, and we have lost faith in both. Why do I need these institutions telling me that my relationship is official?”

And he said: ““We are working on being good partners for each other, like other couples who are married or not, gay or straight, young and old. I also see living together as a sacred ritual where two people can publicly make a commitment to caring for each other . even if you are pagan anarchists.” Relationship columns

The trend is making news. A new article in Rodale News says, “Sharing a home but not wedding vows is more popular than ever in the U.S. More unmarried couples than ever before are living together, and having children together. But like marriage, committed cohabitation comes with significant legal and relationship issues.” Rodale.com/legal-rights

What message do marriage alternatives give to young people? In the absence of role models, perhaps it is time for family-focused education that includes conflict resolution, financial management, sexual responsibility and child care. We might even consider courses that talk about intimacy and love as a choice rather than wild infatuation. But primarily it might be time for all of us to begin looking more closely at choices -- the risks and benefits.

However, despite my belief in marriage, here is a photo gallery of the happily committed but unmarried in Hollywood.

TIME photo gallery

OTHER STORIES YOU MIGHT ENJOY READING from my Sudden Passion series to: Looking for love, the search goes on

Paul Newman and me, and all who want to believe in a faithful husband

from our Modern Love Examiner: Memo to men: make her feel...what every woman needs

from our Sex and Relationships Examiner: 'Live Free Or Die!' New Hampshire's marriage equality bill passed legislature, Gov. Lynch today

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

The mythical unicorn and finding magical love

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

The mythical unicorn and finding magical love

June 5, 5:32 AM · 1 comment

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From Creme de la Mode
We hear from our Tintin Examiner that the upcoming Tintin movie, The Secret of the Unicorn, has a release date. In reading about this yesterday -- in my own attempt to find news that wasn't sad -- I was reminded of the story of the mythical unicorn and how it helps one to find magical ove. Although as many of you read yesterday, love and commitment is on the rise, just not marriage. On the rise: commited in love but not in marriage, from gay solidarity to a simple union For those still looking for love, the magical uniform is a reminder of the only animal in mythology and history that was born out of love and not from fear and is often pictured resting its head on the lap of a fair maiden. I remember how pleased I was to learn that last year the unicorn had been found in Italy. I wondered then, and was reminded again now -- is it time to find or rekindle love?
The Italian Unicorn
Last year the Italian press reported that “A deer with a single horn in the center of its head - much like the fabled, mythical unicorn - has been spotted in a nature preserve in Italy. “This is fantasy becoming reality,” Gilberto Tozzi, director of the Center of Natural Sciences in Prato, told The Associated Press. “The unicorn has always been a mythological animal.” To see photos and read more,The Italian Unicorn. If a magical animal can become real, so can true love.  But this is the secret. Break old habits. Even if you think you are happy now, ask yourself — “Is he or she part of a pattern? Have I done this before and ended up miserable? Was I manipulated or duped? Maybe you are saying to yourself, “This time it’s different.” Oh, really. Than take the time to take the quiz. Take yourself seriously enough to break with the past, Consider the odds that may be against you.   Get over the ego that says, “I know people tell me that this can’t work, but….” Take a look at Robert Sternberg’s questionnaire — What is Your Love Story? If you are a caretaker, or a rescuer, rethink the role. Finding Your Love Story Two simple quizzes and one lovely thought. Are you dating the right person? Take this quiz from LifeScript to help you determine if you are in the right relationship. Or are you in the wrong relationship and heading for heartbreak? Are_You_Dating_The_Right_Person

While I try to remain “neutral but opinionated” we can always count on Maureen Dowd of the New York Times to tell it like it is. She says stay away from men who have no friends, can be stepped on, or are tied to Mama’s apron strings. Here is a Cosmopolitan quiz. Is_he_only_after_your_bod

The love of her life: I have a friend who didn't marry until she was in her late 40's. She was so disappointed from a first early marriage that ended in divorce that she thought she would never marry again. Then someone gave her a beautiful journal. Each day she wrote herself a story about the man she wished to love. She talked about qualities, values, and her hopes and dreams for togetherness.

One day she was visiting Jamaica and as she walked through a hotel a man approached her and asked if she wanted to attend his art opening. He said to me, "You don't know me, I you look like a woman who appreciates the arts."

The more time the two spent together, the more she realized that he was man she had written about in her journal. They were married within a year.
A serious love scenario, in which “lifelong” is a priority, will foster happiness, good health and youthfulness at any age. You owe yourself the time! REMEMBER -- NEXT WEEK I AM STARTING MY STEPS TO MAKING A DREAM COME TRUE SERIES. In the interim, keep thinking of love. / RitaE Lovely photos of unicorns on a lovely site from Creme de la Mode -- do visit thecreme.wordpress.com/.../

Air France: recovering from lost love

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Air France: recovering from lost love

June 3, 10:03 AM · Add a Comment

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When our love relationship is threatened, we often find ourselves in the "doldrums." A report from a French newspaper said that parts of the lost Air France plane were found in an area called “The Doldrums.” As you can see from the photo, it is a section of the water that sailors feared because the area went from deadly calm to menacing storm clouds in a flash. It was called an area of doom. Nonetheless finding the plane will help bring closure. Remembering Amidst the sad news was one beautiful story in the Los Angeles Times about a grief counselor who could not offer hope, so he helps families, friends, and loves to remember.
"I just ask them about the person who was on the plane," he said. "I hold their hands, and look them in eyes." Los Angeles Times

But this method does not necessarily work when you have been left with the shocking news that your engagement is off, your marriage is over, your spouse or lover has cheated. Or does it? In fact, there is some research that says remembering the good times makes the bad times seem less bitter, less hurtful.

The Doldrums, a place feared by sailors

One good thought

If you can find one positive thought about the person who has left you -- and keep in mind that even in grief we are angry -- then it is easier to say, "This chapter on my life is over, but there were some joys."

I thought of so many men and women this year overcome with sadness because of loss through a breakup, an engagement called off, a divorce, a tragedy, or terminal illness.

Closure

The photo I saw of a young woman waiting for her fiancée at the airport was haunting. How will she recover? Then with news that they had located some parts of the plane, and offered to bring family members to the site, I realized the value of closure. Washington Post.

We need closure. As difficult as a divorce, for example, may be – the papers tell it all. The marriage has ended. As I said in yesterday's piece -- whether loss through death, divorce, or a break-up, who is to say which person has a heavier heart? Those overcome by saddness and grief feel what they feel.

Kind words and words best left unsaid When we see how fleeting life can be, we cannot help but remind ourselves of the importance of always speaking kindly to those whom we love. I often quote a philosopher who lived sometime in 400 BC:

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Leave the rest to God.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass…Life is about learning to dance in the rain.

Here is a piece that was written after 9/11 and as the author notes, it can be useful information for friends and families during an air disaster. They are thoughts and words that perhaps are better left unsaid. WebMD/loss-coping

We all know that each person goes through the process of grief in an individual way. As wives, mothers, lovers, girlfriends – or husbands and boyfriends -- we have one responsibility really -- to stand by and offer our support, our love.

And then one day, in some unexpected way, those whom we supported will step out into the sunshine ready to live again, ready to love again.

The Doldrums photo: www.canyousea.com/index.aspx?news=420&langue=2

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Air France: love can be lost in many ways

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Air France: love can be lost in many ways

June 2, 12:34 PM · 5 comments

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Air France
When a friend suddenly learns that her husband is seeking a divorce, or a lover breaks off an engagement, our heart hurts for them. We often do not know what to say. Just before returning home on Sunday to learn about the Air France plane, I was at a memorial service for a vibrant artist. The best man at her wedding gave a eulogy that made us all realize the importance of relationships, of love and marriage, kind words, and loving life to the fullest. A fiancée waits Later as I read about the lost Air France plane, I saw a photo of a young woman identified as waiting for her fiancée. I felt a sense of profound sadness for her. Shortly after we heard the words of French President Nicolas Sarkozy: "(I met with) a mother who lost her son, a fiancée who lost her future husband. I told them the truth," he said. He pointed out the difficulty in finding the plane because the zone where it is believed to have disappeared "is immense." AP News, Air France
Love and marriage
I could not stop thinking about the young woman at the airport waiting with expectation and joy for her fiancée. Will she be able to plunge ahead or will she have difficulty understanding and accepting how she went from thoughts of a wedding to thoughts of a funeral? We don’t know. Joseph Campbell’s words from The Power of Myth seemed so poignant. He said "the real life of a marriage or a true love affair is in the relationship…two aspects of the same being.”
For all those who loose someone they love, they loose a part of themselves and grief often overwhelms. WebMD/depression

Kind words

If we spend our days always speaking kindly to those whom we love, we can get through life with few regrets and find a place in our heart that helps us to rebound. I often quote a philosopher who lived sometime in 400 BC:

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Leave the rest to God.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. . . .Life is about learning to dance in the rain.

Loving life to the fullest

No matter what unexpected situation one may face when love is lost, it takes time for the reality of the situation to seep in. Grief is how our body and mind responds to loss. We see in the movies and we read in books how women cope when a marriage is called off, a lover or husbands cheats and betrays, a husband asks for a divorce, a life partner meets with tragedy. In each situation who is to say which woman has the heaviest heart or how long she will grieve?. Each person goes through the process in an individual way.
As wives, mothers, lovers, girlfriends we have one responsibility really -- to stand by and just be there. And then one day, in some unexpected way, our friend or relative whose tears we shared will step out into the sunshine ready to live again, ready to love again.
Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Susan Boyle hospitalized: a question of advice in life and in love

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Susan Boyle hospitalized: a question of advice in life and in love

June 1, 1:22 PM · Add a Comment

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AP Photo/ Susan on screen, supporters watch

We all seek advice — from love to money. But when should we listen to that advice? Sometimes it makes more sense to make your own decision and then ask others to confirm your thoughts.

Susan Boyle is hospitalized suffering from exhaustion and stress. And I can't help but wonder was part of the stress from a tension within herself, between the Susan we first saw on stage to the Susan we saw after her coaching lessons?

As I said in an earlier piece, I felt that Susan Boyle received coaching lessons in a way that stripped her of her personality. Susan Boyle's coach was no dream weaver; dream lovers take note

We did not know who she was on stage. She seemed tense and now we are coming to see the pressures that she faced. New York Times and the following story with two videos.
Susan_Boyle_hospitalized

One hopes that her hospitalization will help restore a sense of balance in her life and she finds once again the Susan that fits her skin -- the Susan who knows how to laugh.

Advice in life and in love is tricky

When it comes to seeking the opinions of others, whom should you ask for help? We don't know if Susan sought advice or if it was just part of the package.

But in love and marriage we have choices. Keep in mind that you want objectivity. You want information to help you make an informed decision about your partner whether or not it is to stay with someone or to leave the relationship.

Do ask:

Those who have good relationships and marriages

Those whose values are consistent with your own

Those whom you respect

Do not ask or accept advice from:

Know it alls, those whose mind is always made up in advance

Those whose attitude is “my way or the highway”

Those who put you on a spot, for example, you say the words, “I don’t know if this marriage is going to make it,” and before you know it, they are dialing the phone of their attorney and say, “Here, talk to my friend, he or she is the best.”

In the final analysis, it is oftentimes best to weigh your relationship options in the quiet of your heart of hearts.

In love and marriage sit quietly alone and ask yourself:

What do I want for me, for my partner, for our family?

What is in our best interest?

Do I really need to make a decision at this time?

Sometimes during a difficult relationship period a simple saying, “I’m sorry,” is the best advice you can give to yourself. Because in an argument or disagreement it takes two – somewhere along the way, we all must acknowledge our part and do our part to restore harmony.

In the world of love advice -- what do you make of the Italian marriage story?
Italian-marriage-a-man-his-mistress-and-finding-the-o

Italian marriage: a man, his mistress, and finding “the one”

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Italian marriage: a man, his mistress, and finding “the one”

June 1, 3:39 AM · 2 comments

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AP Photo of Italian Prime Minister and his angry wife
The beleaguered Italian Prime Minister is breathing a bit more easily today. A judge ruled that the photographs at his villa in Sardinia, taken on New Year’s Eve by a hiding paparazzi, violate his right to privacy. It was reported that there were young women at the party. This is just another twist in the story of marriage and mistresses gone public. However, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, 72, who has been linked with an 18-year-old who declares that she is still a virgin. Reuters.com While Italians have long shrugged over the dalliances of their Prime Minister, the story is drawing significant media attention and a denouncement from the Catholic bishops. It seems that taking one's marital troubles to the press, as did the Berlusconi's, is frowned up. Reports say that Berlusconi's wife was particularly infuriated when her husband attended an 18th birthday party in Naples for the daughter of one of his business associates. However, he has been linked with at least 10 women throughout his 30 year marriage as pictured in this story that follows: Marriage Italian style: a philandering Prime Minister, a teen beauty, and his angry wife Arranged marriages, finding "the one" The excuse for mistresses or comares is arranged marriages at an early age. Men often say, "Our parents chose our wives, we choose our mistresses." But here is a thoughtful look at the tradition of arranged marriages by Leo Buscaglia often considered the “love guru.”   He believes that we spend too much time in our search for "the one." Aunt Agatha and the comares My great Aunt Agatha prided herself on being married for 75 years and she had a diamond ring on each finger – gifts to her for allowing Guiseppe his afternoon “exercise.” We often asked her why she had so many diamonds and she would say, “Some day, you will understand.” Then as each of us married she took us aside and told us this story, which we began to hear often as she hit her 80's. “This was for your Uncle Guiseppe's exercise in Sicily. This for his exercise in Naples. These two, for the Marchietta twins -- Santa Maria, Santa Maria. Enough. Silencia” she would say and then go off to her kitchen. She had a diamond for each comare through the years and 10 children who will fiercely defend their father just as the PM's children are defending their father and suggesting that the scandal is politically motivated. If you asked Aunt Agatha why she never left him during all those years of philandering, her eyes would fill with tears and she would say, "because he was the one, my one and only."

Susan Boyle's coach was no dream weaver; dream lovers take note

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Susan Boyle's coach was no dream weaver; dream lovers take note

May 31, 3:53 AM · Add a Comment

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AP Photo, Andrew Milligan, PA
What I think we all missed in seeing Susan Boyle's performance on Britain's Got Talent was her joy and her spunk. The coaching turned her into a wooden soldier with no personality. Her face was solemn, her eyes downcast. The woman with the dream, the smile, became a person we no longer knew or recognized. With the coaching she seemed to disconnect from her fans. While most of the other performers on Britain's Got Talent seemed to love being on stage, Susan appeared to be pained. Indeed stories are now surfacing about help from psychiatrists before the show. Susan-Boyle-comforted-psychiatrists-ahead-final-Britains-Got-Talent What happened here? Somewhere along the way it appears that Susan lost confidence in herself. She reacted to the cries for "makeover." While she looked lovely tonight, the real Susan didn't emerge until the show was over. Trembling at first she became fun and cheeky after congratulating Diversity, the dance troupe that took first place in the competition. A lesson for those with dreams of love Coaches should always be cheerleaders who bring out the qualities that are unique to you rather than try to change you. I realized how much I missed the fun-loving Susan after looking again at the two tapes of Susan singing "I Dreamed a Dream" from "Les Miserables." When we have a dream of love, it is really important that we keep it locked in our hearts as we go through the process of dreaming and sorting out what is really important to us. In looking for love, many of us go back to what we know. And oftentimes what we know is what has hurt us in the past. There was research done at Yale some years ago by Dr. Robert Sternberg that points out how many different types of love scenarios that we fall into -- the same unproductive relationships over and over again. Here is a link to the questionnaire in Psychology Today. What's your love story? When you are pursuing a dream of love, find a cheerleader who believes in you and in your dream and will help you sort out reality from fantasy. If you are looking for love, the qualities you look for in a lifelong companion must come from your heart, not another person's wish. So often coaches or friends project onto us the image that they want for themselves. Spending time alone thinking about companionship and values is a helpful exercise. As for Susan Boyle, the contracts will come. She will be fine. But I am convinced that had she been herself, the Susan Boyle with whom we all fell in love, it might have turned out differently.   We missed her warmth. What happened to Susan Boyle should be a lesson to us all. Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Susan Boyle, runner up: her dream will flourish, just as our love dreams can shine

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Susan Boyle, runner up: her dream will flourish, just as our love dreams can shine

May 30, 5:14 PM · 1 comment

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What we all love about Britain's Got Talent is its ability to bring us people who know how to reach for their dreams and tonight Diversity, the unique dance group, was the winner. Susan was gracious and cavorted on stage. Earlier she said, "This has been my life long ambition" -- her music, her song. Here is the video link, which is from BGT. http://talent.itv.com/videos/video/item_200287.htm For those around the world who fell in love with her, Susan is a winner. She taught us all how to hold onto a dream. What happens when a dream does not appear to come true? We hold onto it nonetheless. Magazines such as Business Week are filled with stories of young people who are rejected from business schools initially. Then then regroup, rethink their goals, reapply and are successful. Susan is an example of how far we can go. Hold onto a dream of life long love, not just a summer fling There is a saying in many books on visualization: "See it. Believe it. Receive it." The advice resonates if you are looking for the love of your life. Or if you married your love, but something has gone awry. We so often hear people say: "I wish I could find love." Or "I wish my husband was the man I married." If you are looking for love -- create the image and it shall be yours.

Do you know what your love will feel like, look like?

How will love behave in your presence?

Most important, how will you behave?

What qualities will your love possess that will make you feel loved?

What qualities in your love will you admire?

If you are looking to restore love -- same advice, create the image and it shall be yours.

Do you remember what love felt like when you were deliriously in love?

Do you remember how your guy behaved in your presence?

How did you behave? Did you greet him lovingly with a hug, a kiss, tender words?

What qualities did he possess that made you feel loved?

What role did you play in helping his positive qualities to shine?

Following a dream Susan Boyle walked on stage the first time and projected an image of confidence -- though missing in her second performance she held onto her dream. I knew then that win or lose, she opened a new door. Today we can open the door to our own dream of love. The secret is focus. Last week, I outlined Day One of Making a Love Dream Come True. Some of you emailed me and asked for even more details. So I will make it a full series and describe the theory behind the process -- gratitude. You will find Seven Weeks to Making a Dream Come True in my Serenity Journal: 52 Weeks of Prayer and Gratitude on Amazon.com. What I am doing today is putting together seven steps to a love dream so that more than a summer fling, you might find lasting love. Thank you, Susan, for reminding us that we all have a dream in our hearts. Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Marriage Italian style: a philandering Prime Minister, a teen beauty, and his angry wife

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Marriage Italian style: a philandering Prime Minister, a teen beauty, and his angry wife

May 30, 4:27 AM · 1 comment

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AP Photo/ Franco Castano
In European nations, when we hear of scandals in top government circles these are frequently related to politics. Lovers quarrels may create a media frenzy, but in Italy wives often turn their heads when their powerful husbands are cavorting about with younger women. It is particularly ironic that in a Roman Catholic country – where the head of the Church sets the rules for Catholic marriages -- the Prime Minister, head of government, breaks the rules which Italians find amusing.
For many older couples in Italy, marriages were arranged by two families and their teenagers married. As such, many older men say that they get to choose their mistresses because they did not get to choose their wives.

However, for the sake of family, in a country in which divorce had not been legal, wives came to accept the “comare.” For devotees of The Sopranos -- the Mafia mistresses were called: goomah, goomar, or gomatta.

With this little bit of Italian marriage history, it should be understandable as to why the Italians have shrugged over the dalliances of their Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, 72.

Catholic bishops critical

However, the Catholic bishops have now decried the PM's public life and also chastised his wife for publically airing their marital troubles. Such is the nature of love and marriage in Italy. Bishops-criticize-Berlusconis-public-spat

So why is Veronica Lario, 52, Berlusconi’s wife of 20 years and mother of his three children, seeking a divorce?

For years he has been associated with a string of beautiful young women. Indeed he raised eyebrows when he and Veronica began an affair while he was still married to first wife. When he met Veronica she was a topless dancer. Here are photos of his top ten women published in the Telegraph.co.uk

What pushed Veronica over the edge were the suddenly surfacing rumors of his involvement with a young woman who just turned 18, and his apparent attendance at her birthday. The young Noemi Letizia is pictured above with a photograph of the Prime Minister.

His children defend him

However the PM’s children are taking his side and crying “foul”.   According to a new piece in the New York Times in a series of separate and joint statements, Mr Berlusconi's five children said Dario Franceschini should be ashamed of himself for having dragged them into Italy's increasingly contentious campaign for European Parliament elections.

"I would be thrilled for Franceschini's children if they had a father like mine," said Marina Berlusconi, his oldest child. New York Times on PM

The explosive nature of the story today is being bandied by some as a political rather than moral. However, right now it is being reported that even some of his closest allies are distancing themselves.

Provocative news from Examiners This story of the Prime Minister and the young teen is just one of many provocative stories to surface this week. Just yesterday I wrote about Father Cutié: living a lie while struggling with love and marriage. The others, in order of their appearance: Tinamarie Bernard, our Modern Love Examiner, wrote Filmmaker, Shalene Azam, makes teen documentary, “Oral sex is the new good night kiss” in which she warned about the video content on her site and advocated teaching young people that "love and sex are a sacred union of bodies and souls." Jordan and Samantha, our Sex Scandal Examiners, gave us a glimpse of a Week of May 25th in sex scandals both in the US and abroad. Sarah Estrella, our Sex and Relationships Examiner, who always gives us a "Week-end Embrace," gave us a book tour reminder: 'Oral Sex Is The New Goodnight Kiss' author Sharlene Azam bemoans 'toxic culture' for teen girls Lots of interesting reading in the world of love, marriage, sex, and betrayal.
Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Father Cutié: living a lie while struggling with love and marriage

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Father Cutié: living a lie while struggling with love and marriage

May 29, 12:36 PM · 1 comment

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AP Photo
As someone who believes in vows and faithfulness, it is difficult to reconcile Father Cutié's decision to leave the Church to which he was "married" and join another with his future bride. I even lumped him in with John Edwards and Mel Gibson in one of my articles. Why? Because I believe in marriage. And I also believe that this young priest spent a lot of time thinking about and struggling with the concept of love and marriage. Many people are wondering today about a man whom they thought they knew these past few years when he was part of their parish -- some are forgiving, some are angry. Duplicity: We look at his sermons, his words on love and marriage and he gives valuable advice. But he was living a lie these past few years. How did I reconcile this in my own mind? Some of the most popular writers, psychologists, and psychiatrists give sterling advice and yet their own lives are troubled. I recall one popular love and marriage therapist who was reported to have had five marriages. Words from the Bishop: In a CBS interview today, the Early Show reported questions that were asked by Maggie Rodriguez, a long-time friend of Fr. Cutie, of the Bishop Leo Frade, the head of the Episcopal Diocese of Southeast Florida and she confronted the issue head on. She said, "I know Father Cutie believes, because he said it on this program, that what he did was wrong. He broke an oath and he lived a lie for two years. Are you concerned at all about the message that you're sending your parishioners by inviting someone like that into your church?" "Well," Frade responded, "for a single person, kissing and loving another single woman, I think that a scandal would have been if he would have been -- if she would have been a married woman or something like that. But Father Cutie is a single person, loving another single person, and when you have to obey your heart, indeed, the teaching that he could tell our people is that love is able to conquer everything." CBS News Fr. Cutie Our decision: In the world of love and marriage -- if we believe he was married to the Catholic Church, which his vows were all about, then he was unfaithful. But he made his decision. And we must make ours. We can continue to be angry as we are with any act of infidelity or we can reach into our hearts to find forgiveness and acceptance. Here is a link to my earlier piece today: Father Cutié, Episcopal priest: his advice on love and marriage is valuable in any religion and earlier articles and videos are on my home page.
For a thoughtful piece about the struggles of love and betrayal, please read this piece by Tinamarie Bernard, our Modern Love Examiner. Matters of the heart: Betrayal, faith and love

Father Cutié, Episcopal priest: his advice on love and marriage is valuable in any religion

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Father Cutié, Episcopal priest: his advice on love and marriage is valuable in any religion

May 28, 10:30 PM · 1 comment

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Photo/ Danilo Fajardo
In the case of Father Cutié, love seems to have conquered all. He is with his fiancée Ruhama Buni Canellis and he will continue to serve as a priest, but in the Episcopal Church not the Roman Catholic Church.
It was announced today by the Episcopal News Service that “ The Rev. Alberto Cutié, a former Roman Catholic priest known internationally as "Padre Alberto" on Spanish-language radio and television, was received into the Episcopal Church May 28 during a ceremony held at Trinity Episcopal Cathedral in Miami."

"I thank God for the many people in our community who have shown me their love and support," Cutié, 40, said in a news release from the Episcopal Diocese of Southeast Florida.

"Your prayers have truly sustained me at this time of transition in my life. With God's help, I hope to continue priestly ministry and service in my new spiritual home." Episcopal-life

Love and marriage struggles

Many people will struggle with his decision, but let’s take a look at his advice on love and marriage. Clearly he is someone who has given much thought to the concerns of those in his parishes and understands relationship struggles.

In an interview with Beliefnet he was asked:

What advice do you give to single people about finding a mate who's right for them?

He answered:

“People usually come to me with a very definite idea of who the ideal person is for them. It usually has to do with some physical characteristic. I tell them: That's not important. What is important is seeking out someone you can love and give your life to. You have to base your search for a mate on the capacity to form those strong and lasting relationships.” Father-Oprah-Explains-How-To-Make-Love-Last

Here is a link to a video on Beliefnet regarding his thoughts on Marriage. Father-Albert-Cutie-Marriage-Help

Many people have been saddened and perplexed by his decision given his devotion to the Catholic Church. I for one will continue to encourage others to see his words and advice as sincere. He may have fallen in love -- and it certainly seems as if he has betrayed his parishioners in the Catholic Church -- but I am reminded of my grandmother, who often had words of wisdom. Today she would be saying, "Never judge another until you have walked a mile in his moccasins."

For more about finding the right partner, you may wish to ready my piece from earlier today: Finding the love of your life; quizzes may set you thinking
Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Finding the love of your life; quizzes may set you thinking

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Finding the love of your life; quizzes may set you thinking

May 28, 3:57 PM · 1 comment

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AP/TraceyNearmy
As we approach the season of June brides, I always begin receiving emails from those wondering if they are dating the right person and if marriage will ever come their way. Some women tell me about their soulmates, who never want to get married. And others tell me about their total opposite, who does want to marry, but they fight all the time.
Here is the question. Do opposites really attract or should we be looking for a complementary opposite? A complementary opposite is someone who fills in our differences and together the two of you become whole. And to see what research and wisdom have to say on the topic, here are some quizzes.

Compatibility: While I think that we should all attract our complementary opposite, one that completes our personality, you might enjoy seeing what research says about compatibility. The-ultimate-compatibility-test

Are you dating the right person? Take this quiz from LifeScript to help you determine if you are in the right relationship. Or are you in the wrong relationship and heading for heartbreak? Are_You_Dating_The_Right_Person

While I try to remain “neutral but opinionated” we can always count on Maureen Dowd of the New York Times to tell it like it is. She says stay away from men who have no friends, can be stepped on, or are tied to Mama’s apron strings. Here is a Cosmopolitan quiz. Is_he_only_after_your_bod

The power of words: I have a friend who didn't marry until she was in her late 40's. She was so disappointed from a first early marriage that ended in divorce that she thought she would never marry again. Then someone gave her a beautiful journal. Each day she wrote herself a story about the man she wished to love. She talked about qualities, values, and her hopes and dreams for togetherness.

One day she was visiting Jamaica and as she walked through a hotel a man approached her and asked if she wanted to attend his art opening. He said to me, "You don't know me, I you look like a woman who appreciates the arts."

The more time the two spent together, the more she realized that he was man she had written about in her journal. They were married within a year.

Happy Loving/ Rita E

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Sudden passion: a lace garter belt and silk stockings, the video

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sudden passion: a lace garter belt and silk stockings, the video

May 28, 2:15 AM · Add a Comment

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"As she walked, we could see the top of her stocking because of the way she swished the skirt with its wide slit. She noticed my guy looking. Ignoring me, she showed him her red garters. Instead of being critical, this time I said nothing and he said nothing. Once home, I pulled out a black lace garter belt and stocking set that I hadn't had the courage to wear. Suddenly I felt feminine and sexy. "While he watched the tellie, I snuggled next to him, and slipped my leg over his thighs. He looked at me in surprise and then surprised me. The night was pure passion," she smiled. The best way to beat bedroom blahs is with loving words and a sexy anything. With June brides and weddings approaching, garters are everywhere. But what about the garter belt? Here is video I came across followed by an amusing tidbit.

Supreme Court nominee: throw your guy a curve, explain how Sonia saved baseball

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Supreme Court nominee: throw your guy a curve, explain how Sonia saved baseball

May 27, 7:14 PM · Add a Comment

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AP Photo/ Julie Jacobson
I stayed with a young couple in New Haven this week-end while participating in Yale Commencement and I saw how they negotiated a touchy relationship issue -- baseball. He is a movie and baseball addict and she often complained that he spent most of his time in the living room watching the games. Many women face this issue and sometimes carry their bitchy words, sniping remarks, and silent treatment a bit too far. Essentially it all adds up to sexless nights. For a better way, read Kind words, loving words
With a bit of ingenuity, and some time on HGTV, they found a solution. First they moved their "Christmas and Thanksgiving" dining room to what had been a formal living room. Then they created a country kitchen with a comfortable couch and a 52 inch TV screen within easy view of the kitchen counter.

Now he gets to watch his games. She cooks or works at her laptop on the counter. And they talk. She says, “Now I get to spend more time with my husband and less time being angry. I’m even learning more about the Yankees.”

The woman who saved baseball:
AP Photo/Lennihan
We learned recently that Sonia Sotomayor, the new Supreme Court nominee is an avid Yankee fan. Here is the Daily News Story that tells us how she is credited with saving the 1995 major league baseball season.

"She issued an injunction on March 31, 1995, that effectively ended baseball's longest and most damaging work stoppage, a seven-month-old clash between players and owners that cost MLB the 1994 World Series and threatened the 1995 season and the long-term health of the sport.” New York Daily News/ Sports

A Yale Law School graduate Sonia Sotomayor sits on the Second Circuit Court of Appeals in Manhattan alongside Judge Guido Calabresi, former dean of the Yale Law.

Also from Yale Law who surprised us this weekend, you may enjoy reading this story:

Hillary Clinton, our Yale Commencement, and lasting campus love

(Will be posting more photos either here or at www.ritawatson.com with Judge Calabresi, my professor while at Yale and still a friend as he is to all his students.)

Hillary Clinton, our Yale Commencement, and lasting campus love

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Hillary Clinton, our Yale Commencement, and lasting campus love

May 27, 10:37 AM · Add a Comment

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Bill and Hillary were students at Yale
Honorary degree recipients at Yale are never announced beforehand. Our first glimpse comes as they walk between us enroute to Old Campus. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, however, was whisked onto the stage. As I sat watching her, I could see her looking at the sea of students which surrounded us. Perhaps she wondered, as I wondered: Who will help change the world? Which couples are lovers? Who will marry and divorce? Which couples will stay married long enough to see their children graduate from college? Bill and Hillary in love: Looking across Old Campus must have felt like home to Hillary. It was here that she and Bill met across the way at the Law School in 1970. In the book Marry Me! Courtships and Proposals of Legendary Couples it was apparently in class that Hillary said to Bill, "If you're going to keep looking at me and I'm going to keep looking at you, we ought to at least know each other. I'm Hillary Rodham."   Their courtship began and they were married five years later.
The infidelity crisis: The marriage of Hillary and Bill was a political climb culminating in a presidency turned rocky because of his infidelity. But Hillary always held her head high and their marriage together. During the presidential debates she brought up the subject of Bill and Monica in an-ever-so-cautious way. She said: “Everyone here knows I’ve lived through some crises and some challenging moments in my life.”

Keeping marriage together: Her example was perhaps the reason that other political wives turned to Hillary during the scandals that shadowed their lives when their husbands were caught cheating. Hillary, and more recently Elizabeth Edwards, have shown women that despite the difficulty that families face with infidelity, it does not necessarily mean the end of a marriage. Hillary and Bill seem to survive and move forward. For some students, Hillary is an example that women can have it all -- marriage, children, and a career.

The words of President Richard Levin to Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton are posted at : www.ritawatson.com

Susan Boyle has competition, but holds her dream; how to make your love dream come true

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Susan Boyle has competition, but holds her dream; how to make your love dream come true

May 26, 10:39 PM · Add a Comment

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If Susan Boyle's friends and fans are all wearing yellow, here is why. This is her first interview after she performed "Memories" from Andrew Lloyd Weber's musical "Cats." Explaining that she had a cold and admitting that she had a rocky start, she continues to believe in her dream and in this interview says, "I really want to fulfill my dream." Susan talks about Memories performance on ITV.com But in SERIOUS COMPETITION hear Shaun Smith sing and see what the judges are saying. Susan seems to have mastered the art of visualization. How can you make your own dream come true? Many of us have a love dream, start believing in yours right now. You will find Seven Weeks to Making a Dream Come True in my Serenity Journal: 52 Weeks of Prayer and Gratitude on Amazon.com.   I will post the seven steps in the coming days. Here is Step One.
Dream Your Dreams: Step One

Let your mind wander as you dream impossible dreams

Spend at least five minutes several times today just day-dreaming

Then begin thinking and dreaming about love, a new love, or renewing love in your marriage

Write down the whispering of your soul as you think about life long love

What is it that you want in the love of your life? Write it down

What are missing in a current relationship or what have you been missing in relationships?

At the end of the day write down the one quality in another person that you believe will complement you and make you feel loved and will make you want to give love in return.

Savor the thought for a day until it feels like a part of you. Photo: Susan in the yellow blouse from the Susan Boyle Fan Site Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Susan Boyle: the "Final 40," a contract, a doll, a Simpson, and a kiss

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Susan Boyle: the "Final 40," a contract, a doll, a Simpson, and a kiss

May 23, 5:00 PM · 1 comment

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Made by mother of four, Debbie Ritter
The British papers are abuzz. The world is watching and waiting for the singing sensation. Here are links and snippets of news and my favorite of all of the videos -- Susan with the backstage boys. Here is an update on the Final 40 names which have now been released. /May 23, 4:59 PM DST
The Mirror tells us that “Susan Boyle has been booked to record an album of Broadway classics as her first debut album. And the Czech National Symphony Orchestra have already been provisionally booked so she can record next month." Susan-Boyle-booked-to-record-album

In America one marker of success is a doll. This doll is no Barbie or Ken, but nonetheless the Susan Boyle doll is a hot seller on the Internet Susan-Boyle-doll-

Homer Simpson wants to be just like Susan Boyle. And getting mentioned on the Simpsons simply re-confirms her global status. Hello Magazine / May 22, 2009/ 10:00 PM

And Piers Morgan is ready to give the woman who has never been kissed -- a KISS Morgan-ready-to-kiss-Susan-Boyle / Updated May 23, 12:07 PM DST

In other news The Times online says: "Tonight the world will learn whether she is also considered good enough to proceed to the next round of Britain’s Got Talent. Assuming that she is, Ms Boyle will perform next week in one of five semi-finals in advance of the final on Saturday evening."

Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent by dwarthy
LOVING SUSAN FAN PAGE NEWS: Links to all of my stories and news stories to the right of this entry. Why is the Love and Marriage Examiner writing about Susan Boyle? Here is what I said in my first entry about her. At the end of yesterday's entry -- in talking about cougars -- I said that women should be discreet. My words, "If you are old enough to have delivered him, he is too young for you. " Listen to the voice of Susan Boyle here on this video.

Where is Susan Boyle?

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Where is Susan Boyle?

May 22, 6:51 PM · 5 comments

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Susan Boyle favored to win Britain's Got Talent contest
Susan Boyle took us all by storm some six weeks ago. Where is she now? She appeared on Oprah via satellite, turned down an offer for dinner at the White House, and now appears to be preparing for her next Britan's Got Talent performance. Full video with Susan backstage at first performance included here -- and new links at the end. Today Henry Chu of the Los Angeles Times said: "Officially, it's still a secret whether the singing Scotswoman will be among the contestants to progress to the next round of the competition; the fortunate 40 are to be announced Saturday, the day before Britain's ITV network begins broadcasting the semifinals live over five nights next week." According to Chu's report, the program's publicist, Sara Lee said, "Oh, my God, on all the shows I've ever worked on, far and away Boyle has been the biggest sensation. I don't think anybody in the U.K. has seen anything like this." Lee spoke of Susan as the ultimate underdog but Chu said, "That, however, isn't really an accurate description anymore. According to Britain's bookmakers, Boyle is now the odds-on favorite to win Britain's Got Talent when it wraps up May 30. " LA TIMES and Susan Boyle How did a Love and Marriage Examiner come to write about Susan Boyle? It started with a cougar!   She took our breath away and our cynicism In that posting I say: At the end of yesterday's entry -- in talking about cougars -- I said that women should be discreet. My words, "If you are old enough to have delivered him, he is too young for you. " Listen to the voice of Susan Boyle here on this video. Then you will understand why I made one exception. She should have her pick. This video is from Daily Motion.
Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent by dwarthy
LOVING SUSAN FAN PAGE NEWS: Links to all of my stories and news stories to the right of this entry. Susan Boyle and Oprah: MTV, Susan and Oprah Susan Boyle has to turn down White House invite: Access Hollywood Susan Boyle From Love and Marriage to Susan Boyle -- how is that? For my very first Susan Boyle story I wrote: "At the end of yesterday's entry -- in talking about cougars -- I said that women should be discreet. My words, 'If you are old enough to have delivered him, he is too young for you.' " Listen to the voice of Susan Boyle here on this video. Then you will understand why I made one exception. She should have her pick.

Looking for love, the search goes on

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Looking for love, the search goes on

May 21, 8:09 PM · 2 comments

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When I realized that online matchmaking was the most lucretive of online services, I wondered why. So I asked the "happily married books" author Scott Haltzman, M.D., a psychiatrist at Brown University, He said this: “When looking for love, people seek a mysterious amalgam of qualities in another person. In part, we have preconceived notions of what we find attractive, based on our own cultures and families, and also influenced by the culture around us. "There’s quite a bit of trial and error when it comes to dating, and these services allow you to ‘figure out’ with whom you are a good match without investing money in failed attempts at finding Mr. or Ms. Right," he added.
“Over the Web, you can develop intimacy with someone before you ever meet him or her. You can have deep conversations long into the night and not have to pay for so much as a cheeseburger.” Dr. Haltzman is author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to Get More Out of Your Relationship by Doing Less and The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever

Wall Streeters paying for love: Despite the free-fall on Wall Street, even pricey matchmaking services appear to be booming. And some Wall Streeters are writing checks from $25,000 to $50,000 to find the right partner. However, Prof. Shoshana Grossbard, of the Department of Economics at San Diego State University, says, “Even if there are more Wall Street men looking for such women at the present time, one wonders if there is a matching increase in women’s willingness to act as nurturing partners.
“It is possible that women’s willingness to provide a warm home to Wall Street men, and other men in need of comfort, is now higher as women are finding fewer job opportunities in labor markets. As such, the ‘wife track’ may be relatively more attractive these days. It always takes two to tango.”

That old fish in the sea: Nonetheless dating a stranger has its drawbacks. Those who have not taken seriously the condom-up message could end up receiving a “You’ve Got Mail” ring on their computer. Instead of an e-mail that says, “I love you dearly,” it could turn out to be one of those anonymously generated electronic cards informing you that you have been infected with a sexually transmitted disease. That would be devastating.
But for skeptics like me, there is another small, but nagging worry: What if you end up meeting one of the fish you had already thrown back into the sea?

For my full article, which appeared in the Providence Journal on May 3rd, go to Looking for Love: Wall Street to Main Street

Photo from: http://www.timessquarenyc.org/about_us/ValentineTimesSquare.html

For more about Online dating, please go to: our Online Dating Examiner
My most recent Sudden Passion story: Sudden passion: a silk blindfold

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson:

Sudden passion: a silk blindfold

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sudden passion: a silk blindfold

May 20, 9:44 AM · Add a Comment

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As she related the story, a hazy passionate glaze seemed to envelop her. "He placed the blindfold gently over my eyes," she began. "The scarf was one of my own long silk ones which he rubbed gently across my face. He touched me with his hands, the silk, his hot breath.
"Then he wrapped the scarf a second time around my eyes to be sure that no light could seep through the soft folds. I was in darkness feeling as if my body was suspended before his piercing eyes facing me. Or was he facing me? Where was he? I didn't call his name so as not to break the spell. My body tingled in wonder waiting . . .”

That's where I interrupted her. Too much information to be sharing with me as we were walking through a very public lobby after I had fetched the books from the mailroom.  My mistake was in unwrapping the books in front of a casual acquaintance. The photo on the covers triggered her thoughts and she obviously felt it was safe to share her story with me. Of course, my lips are sealed.

Blindfolded love play: This is a way for husbands and wives, lovers and couples to develop a sense of trust. With sight deprivation you are at the mercy of another. It may be a bit scary, but it is also a time when couples tell me that they let their minds wander into the world of erotic images and fantasies. You can fall into a role play in which you can be any character whom you wish, and your man is simply there to please playful whims.

The two books that trigged the blindfold story? Girls on Top, explicit erotica for women edited by Violet Blue and Playing with Fire, taboo erotica, edited by Alison Tyler. Cleis Press.com
With 20,000 sexless marriages in this country, if you find that you are falling into that big, black hole of bedroom boredom, blindfolds might give you a bit of creative passion. I can see why the book covers provoked her passionate memory. Blindfolds for peace -- a twist on the love-making concept
In a blog called Mr. Shannon Rawls, he proposes blindfolds before an argument. http://mrshannonrawls.blogspot.com/ Why? He says, "Because the angry body language disappears and you need to rely on your words." This is his posted photo from:

www.familycourtchronicles.com/glossary/justic He said, "Sounds crazy, I know but hear me out. It's a known fact that much of human communication and interaction is done via body language. How many times have you been in a heated discussion and you or they say "Why you smiling/laughing/doing that/eating/rolling your eyes/smirking/LOOKING LIKE THAT!" and the conversation gets derailed and you have now just introduced a whole new sub-argument and the original premise is now jeopardized."

An interesting thought. Whether for peace or for passion -- blindfolds might work.

Here are more stories from my series "Sudden Passion."
Sudden passion: porn for wives and lovers with succulent ideas

Sudden passion: the book between erotica and porn

Sudden passion: porn for wives and lovers

Sudden passion: online dating or sex with a stranger

Sudden passion: Titillating spanking stories and skirts

Sudden passion: Sex with a stranger, have you?

Sudden passion: sex drive surge, update - even in pregnancy!
Sudden passion: Spanking skirts, an update

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Cheating: Marilyn Monroe and Jack Kennedy, Happy Birthday, Mr. President

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Cheating: Marilyn Monroe and Jack Kennedy, Happy Birthday, Mr. President

May 19, 2:37 PM · 2 comments

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AP Photo
Cheating compromises integrity. But it seems to be something we learn to live with.   This day in history, Marilyn Monroe sang "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" to Jack Kennedy, with his wife, Jacqueline, sitting by his side. There relationship between Jack and Marilyn was never a secret. TIME magazine
As I see all the hustle and bustle of Commencement around me I wonder how many professors are secretly crossing the line. I have known too many though the years who become involved with a student, and tell me they are in love – one student and one semester at a time.
There are many forms of infidelity. But in our secret place, in our heart of hearts, we know when we are trying to make an excuse for our actions. When we try to deceive ourselves for the sake of passion, our integrity suffers. And if you believe in the great law of karma –“What you do unto others will be done unto you,” or simply put, "What goes around comes around." Oftentimes we pay a very high price for indiscretion. Other articles you might wish to read: Infidelity-cheating-may-not-be-a-deal-breaker

A whole lot of cheating going on: Fr. Cutié revives celibacy debate

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

A whole lot of cheating going on: Fr. Cutié revives celibacy debate

May 19, 11:25 AM · 1 comment

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There seems to be something going around. As I pointed out yesterday with the story of Mel Gibson's pregnant girlfriend -- there was John Edwards, and there was Father Cutié whose name is pronouced "coo-tay" and not "cutie" -- despite his looks. TIME magazine is one of the latest publications to cover the scandal and the celibacy issue. And while I rarely get through the too many magazines that I have in the pile here, this one was a "must read." To hear what the ladies of The View had to say, here is a link (sorry about the commercial.) The View He gives advice on love and marriage. He is well-known and loved. But after an apparent beach romp he is suspended from his parish and struggling over his love for the women with whom he was photographed in his beach romp. But here is the link that is perhaps the most difficult for so many people. Father-Oprah-Explains-How-To-Make-Love-Last.

Here is my May 13th story that has more background information: Fr. Cutié: A view from "The View" and hear his confession on CBS via You Tube

From our Sex Scandal Examiners. Father Albert Cutié under fire for betraying oath of celibacy

For more on betrayal:

Breaking news: Mel Gibson's girlfriend is expecting a child, the video , my recent piece

Matters of the heart: Betrayal, faith and love , from our Modern Love Examiner

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Breaking news: Mel Gibson's girlfriend is expecting a child, the video

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Breaking news: Mel Gibson's girlfriend is expecting a child, the video

May 18, 7:32 PM · Add a Comment

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AP Photo/ Chris Pizzello
What is happening? John Edwards fathers a child? Father Cutie acknowledges that he is in love. And now Mel Gibson's girlfriend is reported to be expecting a child minutes or so after his divorce? According to TMZ "We've learned Mel Gibson's girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, is pregnant with his child." www.tmz.com/ Mel considers himself to be an outspoken Catholic who has even built his own Church. People Is this beginning to sound like Henry VIII? Here is the breaking news video. What I wonder most often is whether or not the words, “for better or worse, until death do us part” will become obsolete? With recent statistics from 13 countries showing that marriage is down while living together is up - and monogamy being challenged by polyamory - there is cause for concern. Some research indicates that monogamy is simply not part of our make-up. Couples have been choosing alternative arrangements for years - look at Eleanor and Franklin D. Roosevelt (and his mistresses), Nelson Rockefeller and his mistresses, and the open relationship between John Lennon and Yoko Ono. I worry about the future of marriage. However, as an incurable romantic, I am ever hopeful. Much as I try to remain neutral -- I am always opinionated. And I think that crossing the line, boundary violations, always compromises one's integrity. I was saddened by the news of Father Cutie because of his struggle and because of his vows -- it was a crisis in faith. I was sick about the love child of John Edwards -- it was a crisis in marriage. And now Mel Gibson! Something seems remiss. For more about betrayal and faith read:

Cheating: whether lovers or friends, a betrayal of trust

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Cheating: whether lovers or friends, a betrayal of trust

May 18, 2:18 AM · Add a Comment

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AP Photo: Liz Hurley and Arun Nayar
Cheating compromises integrity. It might be a man who cheats or a woman who is unfaithful. It might be a priest who crosses the line as in the case of Father Cutie. As I see all the hustle and bustle of Commencement around me -- I live in a college town -- I wonder how many professors are crossing the line. I have known too many though the years who become involved with a student, and tell me they are in love – one student and one semester at a time. When your friend cheats and uses you as a cover And what happens when you discover that a friend is cheating and puts you in the position of lying about an affair she is having? I had that happen to me once. I confess that I found the whole thing so appalling that I gave my friend 48 hours to fess up to her husband or threatened to tell him myself. Maybe I would not have been so angry, if I had not discovered that she was using me as a cover and having an affair with the husband of another friend of ours. I learned about the affair quite by serendipity. Her husband ran into me in town one Saturday morning (and I was never in town on the week-ends, so it was a fluke) and he asked how I was managing to take so much time off for the Ladies' Lunches. I thought he was joking at first along the lines of "How are you who seem to be on a perpetual deadline enjoying soap operas and bonbons?" But as we joked further, he realized that I did not know what he was talking about. He called me the next day and asked for the truth. I suggested he talk with his wife. The friendship with my girlfriend ended and today I am still friends with her husband and his second wife of 10 years. Cheating with a friend -- a double betrayal The unforgivable sin, according to the poll that I posted, is having your husband cheat on you with a girlfriend. Only two percent of you said you would stand by a man in that case. And 47 percet of you said, "No" And I can see why, it is a double betrayal. There are many forms of infidelity, of crossing the line. But in our secret place, in our heart of hearts, we know when we are trying to make an excuse for our actions. When we try to deceive ourselves for the sake of passion, our integrity suffers. And if you believe in the great law of karma –“What you do unto others will be done unto you,” or simply put, "What goes around comes around" -- you may come to see the very high price one pays for indiscretion. Regarding Liz Hurley and Arun Nayar, there were reports that he was cheating even as she was preparing for their wedding. Express India

Farrah Fawcett's heartbreak: She wants a miracle, Ryan wants marriage

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Farrah Fawcett's heartbreak: She wants a miracle, Ryan wants marriage

May 16, 6:08 PM · Add a Comment

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AP Photo

Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O'Neal want a miracle. She wants to recover. He wants to marry her.

To whomever he speaks, he says, "It's a love story. I just don't know how to play this one. I won't know this world without her."

Here is a story published within the hour from the London press.

Farrah-Fawcett-How-cancer-miracle-cure-turned-heartbreak.html

When asked about marriage, he says, "You know she's been married, I've been married. She's said, 'We have a good thing.' But I said 'you said that 30 years ago, shouldn't there be a sea change?' Maybe there is, you never know."

Here is a video update.

Love, long-term relationships, and marriages are often strained when there is an illness. But as you will see from the WebMD article, family and friends are vital. Farrah was with Ryan O'Neal from 1980-1997and they remained friends even after the break-up. He has been by her side since she was diagnosed with cancer. Here is a story released from ABC News which talks about the private screening of her documentary, "Farrah's Story." ABC News .go.com/

Paul Newman and me, and all who want to believe in a faithful husband

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Paul Newman and me, and all who want to believe in a faithful husband

May 15, 4:19 PM · 3 comments

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AP Photo/Bob Child, Paul and Joanne at Lime Rock
I did not realize I was walking and talking with Paul Newman until the moment I looked into his eyes. And there under a cloudless, sun-drenched sky, the stars came out and twinkled blue.
“I seem to know you,” I said spellbound.

“I’m Paul,” he said, extending his hand.

And before the Commencement ceremony we chatted about the night when my guy was out drinking with him so Paul could polish up a Texas twang by listening to someone whose drawl was all the more pronounced after a few beers.

To me and to many of my friends, Paul was our dream idol of a family man, ever faithful to Joanne Woodward.

If perception is reality, then I would like to continue to live the Paul Newman dream. Understanding father to five, but most of all faithful husband to Joanne. The man who created Camp Hole in the Wall for children with terminal illnesses. The man who believed in giving. The good neighbor.

When a Connecticut legislator from his district was talking about a health care issue, there was standing room only and a line outside. Someone from the legislative team spotted Paul, and offered to make room for him on the stage.

He said, “No, I’ll go outside and talk to the people standing in line. Try to calm them down.”

Paul Newman was that kind of man.

And as I hear the news of the new expose -- speculation, hearsay -- I want to cover my ears and once again shield my eyes, so as not to see the images of him with a string of women and men. I only want to see Paul and Joanne.   So spare me please of the new book based on Marlon's murmurings.

I want to continue to believe, and so I shall -- that through his movies, his charities, his larger than life goodness -- Paul Newman left us a breath-taking legacy and gave us a model for a marriage.

** Paul Newman was a graduate of the Yale Drama School and when we met at Commencement ( I'm still an associate fellow at Yale's Ezra Stiles College ) he was about to be awarded an honorary degree. But we are never told who is to receive the degree until we meet them in line or see them on the stage. It is closely guarded secret.

Sudden passion: back seat, city street, noisy couple in video

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sudden passion: back seat, city street, noisy couple in video

May 14, 10:58 AM · 1 comment

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The other evening was warm and balmy and as I walked past some parked cars, I did a double-take as I saw a head bobbing.
Then I remembered the story of a friend married for 14 years.. She and her husband went out to dinner one evening and she had every intention of telling him that she wanted a separation. To get up the courage she had one drink too many.

As they walked to the car – diagonally parked on a busy city street -- she said, “I don’t know what came over me. But as he stood there holding the front door open for me, I faced him. Unbuttoned my blouse. Then opened the back door and said to him, ‘Get in,’ as I opened my blouse.

"He stood spellbound for a few minutes, and pounced. There we were in the middle of the city having the most wonderfully spontaneous time. Little by little, more and more sudden sex helped our marriage get back on track.”

Here's a little video but WARNING she is a noisy lover -- so I have the volume turned VERY LOW. You can adjust accordingly. It is fun to watch the expressions on people's faces.

Sudden passion hint: When the spirit moves you, make a move -- even if it is in the garage of your own home! Car link: http://www.freefoto.com/images/21/35/21_35_12_prev.jpg Read my story on the apparent sudden passion that came over Fr. Cutie during his beach romp. Fr. Cutié: A view from "The View" and hear his confession on CBS via You Tube
Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Sudden passion: Bottoms up, two can play

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

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Love and Marriage Examiner

Sudden passion: Bottoms up, two can play

May 12, 3:01 PM · Add a Comment

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Taking a break from the "Cheating poll," which you can still find at "If she pants, 'You are so hot!' will our men tumble as did John Edwards?" -- I somehow found myself in a "bottoms up" conversation. I was talking with a friend about hot looking lace panty hose. Then this photo surfaced. It is from a blog on modern sinks and wash basin designs by Adriana Sassoon Bottoms or breasts? After doing some spanking stories, I heard from readers asking if men preferred bottoms to breasts. Actually I am not sure. However, I did have a conversation with another journalist who said she believes that “Men like bottoms – they are impersonal and primitive. The men don’t need to look women in the eye when they are making love. You see this a lot in pornography," she said. Sudden passion moment: Another friend said, "We got into a funny sex mood one night of a full moon and too much champagne. I was always rather conservative. Then all of sudden I got down on all fours and said, "One more time for La Luna." The spontaneity was so startling to him that we ended up making love for the rest of the night. He still calls it the night of our 'love around the moon.' And now that's become a code word for something a little daring, a little different. From a man's perspective: "It is just about difference. There are some studies that say the bodies of homo sapiens developed differently -- making the missionary position easier -- and yes, there is something intuitive and passionate that comes about from face to face." If with "Bottoms up" women miss out on the closeness and the caresses, do they accomodate men just to please? Actually, women I talk with about this tell me that in pleasing a man they derive an erotic pleasure themselves.
Photos of their bottoms: While perousing the Internet, I came across At her discretion in which the author depicts and talks about the fascination for women’s bottoms in art and in literature. And certainly Friday evening, at a museum event, there was no shortage of women's bottoms adorning the walls.

An upcoming book from Cleis Press is Bottoms Up: Spanking Good Stories. The book is edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel and they say "It celebrates the pleasures of an inviting bum turned rosy red by hand, paddle, crop, or whip." When Bussel put out the call for submissions for this primarily hetersexual book, she said, "I want creative, original spanking stories in a variety of settings using all sorts of implements. Spanking as part of roleplay, discipline, adventure, foreplay, etc. are fair game."

From top to bottom whether it is between the sheets or on the living room floor, variety adds spice to life. And sometimes the unpredictable reignites passion. A discussion with your lover or husband about tops and bottoms -- so what if you already know the answer -- is certainly a conversation starter. I was amazed listening to the prudish talk of some young college students in the neighborhood. For their sake, I hope that “youth is not wasted on the young.”

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

If she pants, “You are so hot!” will our men tumble as did John Edwards?

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

If she pants, “You are so hot!” will our men tumble as did John Edwards?

May 12, 3:07 AM · 4 comments

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Will she lick her lips and utter breathless sounds as her tongue twirls his body? Can she drag our man down? We worry sometimes and wonder. Is this the reason we are obsessed with the John and Elizabeth Edwards story?
Why is Elizabeth talking? Is she trying to warn all of us? Maybe she is reminding us that men are weak and life is fragile.

Let’s face it – men like excitement. And women know it. They watch porn. Spanking skirts turn them on. They want sex not just sometimes, but men’s magazines will tell us that men like sex any time and all of the time – even quickies behind an office door. Forbidden sex!   Would we stand by our man if he fell?

Would you stand by a man who cheated on you?

If he cheated with a stranger, Yes If he cheated with a stranger, No If he cheated with a friend, Yes If he cheated with a friend, No

View Results Polldaddy.com

In this tragic triangle, there are no winners. John became tumbleweed after Reille Hunter is said to have uttered the words, “You are so hot.”

In marriages without tragedy, men stray and sometimes the strain of tragedy pushes them over the edge. A full year ago I wrote that the cheating privileges given by Samantha in Sex in the City to her young lover while she was undergoing chemotherapy, underscored the devastating effects of chemotherapy treatment. At the time, I had no idea that today the story of “Resilience” would be all over the news.

Today many of us are wondering and maybe even squirming a bit asking: "Could it happen to us?"

If it could happen to the perfect couple, it could happen to you. It could happen to me.

To read different perspectives on the John and Elizabeth Edwards triangle, read my earlier pieces: Sudden passion: John's indiscreet love affair is investigated (the most tame of my Sudden passion series. My newest on John and Elizabeth is one of three perspectives shared by myself Heartbroken: Elizabeth Edwards, John, and the other woman and two of my colleagues -- whose articles are terrific!

Modern Love Examiner

Tinamarie Bernard

Female Friendship Examiner

Debbie Puente

Heartbroken: Elizabeth Edwards, John, and the other woman

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Heartbroken: Elizabeth Edwards, John, and the other woman

May 10, 10:13 AM · Add a Comment

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When they married, Elizabeth said she told John she wanted only one thing from him, "I wanted him to be faithful to me.” In the entire Oprah Winfrey interview, hearing her say those words, I gasped. John’s infidelity must have pierced her heart. But she is one of the courageous women who believes in her marriage vows, “as long as we both shall live.”
Although Elizabeth Edwards is honoring her commitment to marriage -- given the fact that another woman is telling the world that John fathered her child -- it must be particularly hurtful. Despite all of the recent political scandals, this one seems to be the most tragic.

As I wrote in an earlier piece: Husband snatching facts: why Reille Hunter is angry at Elizabeth Edwards it appears that she believed she had a future with John. And when she came to grips with reality and felt she was not treated fairly in Elizabeth’s book, she decided upon revenge – the paternity test. Some might call this a love triangle heartbreak for two mothers on Mother's Day.

I have said this often -- I am neutral but opinionated. A woman who goes after another woman’s husband is a male poacher.

Perhaps for a fleeting moment or two John did have feelings for Reille, maybe he still does. And we would like to believe that she had feelings for him – but we don’t know. In fact, we never know what other people experience behind closed doors. However, in this day and age a “love child” is rarely a mistake – it is nearly always deliberative or deceptive.

The poll: It is difficult for marriages to recoup after adultery, though not impossible. So it was sad to read the recent poll results that appeared in the Daily News, Why_do_women_stay_with_their_cheating husbands?

If your partner strayed, would you stay?

Yes, I probably would. 9%

I'd be devastated, but would try my best to deal. 33%

No way, I'd be out the door. 58%

Elizabeth Edwards stands tall among many political wives whose husbands cheated on them: Hillary Clinton was scandalized by Monica. Silda Spitzer and Wendy Vittner watched their lives unravel because of escort services.  Then there were two homosexual scandals involving Governor Jim McGreevey and Sen.Larry Craig – and yes, their wives stood by their side.
Forgiveness: In truth, we do have a choice if a spouse is caught in adultery. It is called “forgiveness.” The Mayo Clinic tells us, “Infidelity causes intense emotional pain — anger, disbelief, fear, guilt, shame. But an affair doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage.” To learn more about how a marriage can be rebuilt after an affair, go to Mayo Clinic Infidelity
Happily Married: Here is another bit of advice to rekindle love in a marriage. Read Dr. Scott Haltzman. His books are aimed at empowering women and men to keep their marriages strong and loving. Secrets of Happily Married Men and Secrets of Happily Married Women

Despite the sadness and the pain Elizabeth Edwards has experienced, she gives us hope standing true to her words: "To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, as long as we both shall live."

Heartbroken is one way to look at this story which I am sharing with our Modern Love Examiner and our Friendship Examiner. To read their perspective on the John and Elizabeth Edwards triangle, please go to:

itillating toilets: sexy mannequins in video a sure way get your man to shop with you

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

itillating toilets: sexy mannequins in video a sure way get your man to shop with you

May 9, 2:09 PM · Add a Comment

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The Toilet House
Sometimes when couples travel they will make an effort to spend time pleasing their partners and pretend to enjoy an activity that bores them. Museums and shopping come to mind. One friend confided today that to entice her husband into museums they play a "Name that painting" game. Each creates provocative names for the various pieces of art work. "It has become such fun that he now looks forward to museuming with me." However, she said she has no success getting him to a shopping mall. Portugal should be their next stop. The men's room: Take your man to the Eight Avenida Center in Sao Joao da Madeira, a northern Portugal shopping mall. Drop him off in the men’s room. Give yourself an hour or two so he can study the “art.” Apparently men are finding mannequins so intriguing that they block the entrance to the "Loo" so that their wives and girlfriends can take a look for themselves. The ladies' room has a counterpart? Male mannequins, scantily clad. If you can't get to Portugal, promise him "sudden passion" when you return from a shopping spree. Check our my series listed at the end of Sudden passion: the shag bag of pleasure and hot kisses -- an update. But first, this fun video.

I was reminded of this article, which appeared last year in Reuters, when the Best Public Toilets in America were rated yesterday. But even the Top Ten cannot compete with Portugal.

Here are the Best Public Toilets in America. Best-public-restrooms-in-America

The "Toilet House" above is from architecture.myninjaplease.com/?p=2086 build by the chairman of the World Toilet Organization according to this blog and photo. Many photos of this house exist, but the text is interesting on this blog.

Sudden passion: the shag bag of pleasure and hot kisses -- an update

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sudden passion: the shag bag of pleasure and hot kisses -- an update

May 9, 1:13 AM · 1 comment

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The Shag Bag is a not-so-pure but very simple bag of sexy treats. And I thank you all for reminding me that the men in your life carry shag bags onto the golf course. And some women are now using cotton shag bags for shopping. The shag dance is portrayed in the video at the end. But what I am talking about here is a passion kit to enhance the British definition of shagging -- sex, hot and heavy. What started out at an ultra hotel in Atlantic City is turning into creative "at home" entertainment. The hotel shag bag: It seems that the sex and passion kit for $18 is a very hot seller. Here is the catch. Take it off the shelf. Spend more than 60 seconds examining the contents from condoms to toys, and it is yours, billed to your room. A friend reminded me of the kits when she showed me her new collection of jeweled "shag bags."
The stay-at-home shag kit: Want to create some unexpected passion in your home? Make up your own passion pack. Fill it with unexpected pleasure from toys to a page from one of the magazines that talks about a myriad of new tantalizing tips. One friend always includes a few cards from a deck with 52 positions and off they go.

Anything goes: Actually I have an antique and jeweled collection of purses that hang in the living room "Always ready to party." One day a friend asked if she could borrow one. Then the next week, she borrowed another. Then another. She always returned them and never said a word about the event she was attending. Finally one day she fessed up. "When my husband comes home and sees one of your jeweled purses on the mantle, then he knows -- anything goes!"

For long-distance lovers: One of my friends always travels with the latest issue of Cosmo so that she and her man can bypass: “Tell me dear, how was your month?” This kind of moment happens when two high-powered people travel. Instead they start out with "Pick a number."

She admits that even though they talk and email there is no substitute for learning to read the silences, the sighs, the smiles, the human touch. "Sometimes, even though we are excited about seeing each other, it's been a tense week. Pulling out something to create a moment of fun passion -- instead of just popping a champagne cork -- is liberating."

Nonetheless, while at home or traveling, a little surprise passion kit could spice up your life. Here is the story about passion kits CBS News And for the Carolina shag, there is a video at the end. Kiss is from www.spada.co.uk

If you enjoy "SUDDEN PASSION" here are more stories from my series, which will continue:

Sudden passion: porn for wives and lovers with succulent ideas

Sudden passion: the book between erotica and porn

Sudden passion: porn for wives and lovers

Sudden passion: online dating or sex with a stranger

Sudden passion: Titillating spanking stories and skirts

Sudden passion: Sex with a stranger, have you?

Sudden passion: sex drive surge, update - even in pregnancy!

Sudden passion: Spanking skirts, an update
FOR SOME SHAGING FUN -- HERE IS A VIDEO OF THE CAROLINA SHAG

Husband snatching facts: why Reille Hunter is angry at Elizabeth Edwards

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Husband snatching facts: why Reille Hunter is angry at Elizabeth Edwards

May 8, 2:50 AM · 1 comment

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We talk a lot about men who cheat on their wives. There are some shocking statistics in this article about women who go after another woman’s husband. Paternity suit revenge: As the news reports continue, it seems that Reille Hunter, ex-lover to John Edwards, actually thought she might have a future with the man who at the time was a presidential candidate. He was also then and now, a married man. Angry at her portrayal in the new book by Elizabeth, "Resilience" Reille is now talking paternity suit. A reminder -- Elizabeth never once uses Reille's name in the book and her name was not mentioned in the Oprah interview according to a pre-arranged agreement. Gayle King, editor of Oprah's magazine weighs in on this story. ABC News The other woman: In a piece by Jessie Knadler for Women’s Health in the November issue, we learn that 62 percent of women interviewed say they would rather be the mistress than the spurned wife.
She also tells us why there is no longer a Scarlet Letter which brands women who cheat and why “Angelina Jolie, [is] now seen by many as a saint, not as a home wrecker, and France’s first lady, Carla Bruni, hailed as the new Jackie Onassis. Such labels would have been unthinkable a generation ago. ”

Knadler points out that “some experts believe our views of marriage are changing. . . And a number of studies have shown that about half of all married men and women have cheated.”

Bad news for mistresses: Here is the bad news for mistresses who have expectations – “a survey of 4,126 male business executives found that only 3 percent married their mistress.” Women’s Health

In a discussion with several couples the other evening, the women agreed that men can be weak. But a man cannot cheat on his wife if the other woman has the courage to say, "No, you are a married man."

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Paternity test revenge: photos and details on Oprah interview with Elizabeth Edwards

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Paternity test revenge: photos and details on Oprah interview with Elizabeth Edwards

May 7, 2:26 PM · Add a Comment

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AP photo
In a new report from ABC News, it seems that "Elizabeth Edwards places much of the blame on her husband, but said Hunter had to know that she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and that she had two young children along with an adult daughter. That should have prevented Hunter from going after her husband," she said. Gayle King, editor of Oprah's magazine weighs in on this story. ABC News Reports continue that Reille Hunter is angry about her portrayal in the new book and, as such, is seeking a paternity suit in revenge. As the saying goes, "Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned." But just a minute here -- going after another woman's husband? A woman should be above that. Sad to say, this story on Husband snatchers indicates that it is going around. The women are also called male poachers -- as I talked about in that web article. For more info and video: Paternity test looms: Oprah asks Elizabeth Edwards about the baby in video release Watch for a three-way series on marriage, emotional infidelity, and friendship. Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Paternity test looms: Oprah asks Elizabeth Edwards about the baby in video release

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Paternity test looms: Oprah asks Elizabeth Edwards about the baby in video release

May 7, 10:31 AM · 1 comment

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AP Photo
In this video release Oprah asks about John's baby and no one mentions "the other woman" by name. According to news reports this morning, the former ex-lover is apparently demanding a paternity test.New York Daily News: gossip It was also reported that Oprah asks, "Are you still in love with him?" To the question of love, Edwards responds, "You know, that's a complicated question." Here is the New York Daily News story with photos of the the love child. NYDailyNews: Elizabeth_Edwards_interview_with_Oprah_no_idea_if_John_Edwards_fathered_child Watch for a special three-way series: about what infidelity does to a marriage, emotional infidelity, and frienship.

Sudden passion: porn for wives and lovers with succulent ideas

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sudden passion: porn for wives and lovers with succulent ideas

May 6, 8:04 AM · 2 comments

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Some tasty ideas here should you catch your husband or lover watching porn. Rather than an argument, how about giving him an experience that is so hot, so passionate, and so unpredictable that when he starts to watch the next time, he will quickly seek out the siren in you.
A new report says, "If partners experience excitement from other sources (such as novel and challenging activities) in a shared context, this shared experience can reignite relationship passion by associating the excitement with the relationship," the researchers write. " WebMD

Researchers said that their findings suggest excitement promotes closeness, further promoting satisfaction. This posting has a new book by our Denver Sex and Romance Examiners as well as links to Erotic Dining. Sudden passion: the book between erotica and porn has some tempting ideas.

....

Practical advice from Dr. Ruth: Here is what Dr. Ruth says to the woman who writes that her husband won’t talk with her about why he likes porn.

“He won’t explain to you why he likes to look at porn because you wouldn’t accept the truth. Men like to look at porn because it’s sexually arousing, and sex within a relationship can get a little boring after a while. With any luck, a man will use that arousal to have sex with his partner, so in that case it’s a good thing.” Dr Ruth

Is porn the answer? To alleviate boredom in a relationship, porn may stimulate dialog. However, many women worry and feel betrayed by porn, here is a sampling of questions. Gardenweb.com

The choice of reigniting a relationship is really yours. Does that mean porn? For some couples, the answer may be "yes."
Oysters & Chocolate erotic anthology on shelves

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Strawberry Photo from

Hot_chocolate

Sudden passion: the book between erotica and porn

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sudden passion: the book between erotica and porn

May 5, 1:33 PM · 1 comment

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In writing about Sudden passion: porn for wives and lovers, I came across a notice about something special happening with our Denver Sex and Romance Examiners -- their new book is out. Oysters and Chocolate: Erotic Stories of Every Flavor edited by Jordan LaRousse and Samantha Sade. And oh! such provocative flavors: Whats_your_flavor appears to be a special evening event with a menu tempting the palate with:

Vanilla A classic, sweet, and romantically decadent dish.

Dirty Martini A distinctive, exciting cocktail with a naughty twist.

Licorice Whips A wild and strong-flavored course that spanks the tongue with heat and bite.

Oysters Firm and sensual—with deep, round cups, sweet scents, and exclusively feminine flavors

Jordan and Samantha certainly know the art of dining!
More on Erotic Food from the Sexual Health Center: Erotic food Sometimes you are in for a surprise when eating foods that are considered to be aphrodisiacs. Last year 26 pearls were found inside this oyster. Seattle Times

For a look at different perspectives on relationship spice here is: Sudden passion: porn for wives and lovers -- What should you do if you catch your husband or lover watching porn? Give him an experience that is so hot, so passionate, and so unpredictable that...Keep Reading »

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Sudden passion: porn for wives and lovers

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

May 4, 11:38 PM · Add a Comment

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>What should you do if you catch your husband or lover watching porn? Give him an experience that is so hot, so passionate, and so unpredictable that when he starts to watch the next time, he will quickly seek out the siren in you. Men get bored. Marriages and relationships wane. This new report on WebMD noted that problems of boredom surface after seven years of marriage. Researchers said that their findings suggest excitement promotes closeness, further promoting satisfaction. "If partners experience excitement from other sources (such as novel and challenging activities) in a shared context, this shared experience can reignite relationship passion by associating the excitement with the relationship," the researchers write. " WebMD
Practical advice from Dr. Ruth: Here is what Dr. Ruth says to the woman who writes that her husband won’t talk with her about why he likes porn.
“He won’t explain to you why he likes to look at porn because you wouldn’t accept the truth. Men like to look at porn because it’s sexually arousing, and sex within a relationship can get a little boring after a while. With any luck, a man will use that arousal to have sex with his partner, so in that case it’s a good thing.” Dr Ruth
Is porn the answer? To alleviate boredom in a relationship, porn may stimulate dialogue. However, many women worry and feel betrayed by porn, here is a sampling of questions. Gardenweb.com
The choice of reigniting a relationship is really yours. Does that mean porn? For some couples, the answer may be "yes." Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Sudden passion: John's indiscreet love affair is investigated

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sudden passion: John's indiscreet love affair is investigated

May 4, 11:34 AM · Add a Comment

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AP Photo/ Denis Poroy
The news is abuzz today. Was campaign finance money used for payments to John Edwards’s mistress? And "no" this is not John talking about two women here.
According to an AP story on CBS, "His once-prominent political career is buried and the turmoil of his marriage is playing out in public. Now, John Edwards is facing a federal inquiry. " CBS News

From the Charlotte Observer, “The investigation is being conducted by the office of U.S. Attorney George Holding, and a federal grand jury could consider evidence. Holding, a Republican based in Raleigh, declined to comment on Edwards. Holding has helped prosecute several prominent Democrats.”

News Observer

Party girl Reille Hunter -- the story -- New York Post

There is an old saying, “Starts fast, burns quickly. Starts slow, lasts long.”

In the tawdry affair of John and the party girl – lots of pain, a lot of ashes left burning.

Recovery from an affair is possible. But couples pay a high price for the iniscreet sudden passion.
Elizabeth Edwards, Adultry and Forgiveness

When divorce clouds hover

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

When divorce clouds hover

May 4, 2:50 PM · Add a Comment

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In the wake of the John and Elizabeth Edwards scandal and today's news about the investigation, we are given an example of the commitment of two people and their decision to stay married. (See my story posted earlier.) Divorce is always a thick cloud. So often marriages are on the rocks because one or the other feels angry. Michelle Weiner-Davis tells us that “Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.”
She says, “Lack of forgiveness imprisons you. It takes its toll on your physical and emotional health. It keeps you stuck in the deepest of relationship ruts. No matter how justified you feel about your point of view regarding your partner's insensitive behavior, you still are miserable.

"When you wake up each morning, a gray tint shadows your life. You walk around with a low-grade depression. You can't feel joy because you're too busy being angry or feeling disappointed.”

How can you save your marriage?

She points out words that many religious leaders tell us, “Forgiveness isn't a feeling. It is a decision. You decide that you are going to start tomorrow with a clean slate.” Take a look at Divorce Busting

Sudden passion: online dating or sex with a stranger

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sudden passion: online dating or sex with a stranger

May 3, 10:57 AM · 1 comment

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If I asked, "Would you ever have sex with a stranger?" in this day and age, most of you would probably say "no." But consider this. Of 40 million Americans going to match services, 30 percent of women engage in sex on a first date, according to a study by Sexuality Research and Social Policy report. Online services are booming. So shall we assume that women are throwing caution to the wind despite the unnerving statistics of sexually transmitted diseases? Stranger role play: Does the notion of sex with a stranger excite you? Then perhaps you can engage in some role play with your mate. If you are wondering, "What is the point?" the answer is simple. To help your imagination run wild and your temperature rise with your husband or lover. But then again, the two of you might watch some of those exotic scenes in The Thomas Crowne Affair with Pierce Brosnan and Renee Russo -- I like their experience of sudden champagne passion. I heard this story at the little cigar bar in town from a globe-trotter, an older European and I believed his every word. Yes, this is true: He recounted the moment with utmost detail. “We were at the Louvre looking at paintings. I watched her every move pretending to be studying a Cezanne. "Then she disappeared. She was hauntingly beautiful. The next evening, I was attending a very formal cocktail party. I became breathless as I saw her face across the room. I began to approach her, she moved towards me.
"The waiter brought a tray of champagne glasses between us. She took one. I took one. And without saying a word, she smiled. She brushed against me and I followed her. We went to the courtyard. People were all around us, but there was a tiny grouping of trees. She lifted her foot delicately to a garden bench, her evening dress opened to reveal her desire.

"There was a sudden passion between us, hot and searing. She disappeared after those moments of intimacy and I never saw her again. Only in Paris could this have happened. And only before the days when we learned to be careful.”

As “Frenzy: 60 stories of sudden sex” edited by Alison Tyler shows us, it can happen anywhere, not just Paris.

Letting her imagination run wild: The gentleman who told me the story is now married and says he will never reveal this moment to his wife. But one of the women who heard the story said, “I can do that.” And she tells me that sex between she and her husband has never been better!

For some related good reading: Here is a piece from our Modern Love Examiner that should peak your interest. The dating game: ring her bells, not her alarm
And also take a look at our Online-Dating-Examiner: online-dating-makes-more-money-than-porn
Also here is a question put to these readers:  Shine: Have you ever had sex with a stranger?

To read more about SUDDEN PASSION, please go to my home page or become a subscriber and you will never have to wait for "Sudden" inspiration.
Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Sudden passion: sex surge, pregnancy, Sex in the City

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sudden passion: sex surge, pregnancy, Sex in the City

May 3, 12:32 AM · Add a Comment

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AP Photo/ Kristin Davis
Whenever you worry that you are having a sudden sex surge, reassure yourself, it is perfectly normal, even during pregnancy. Some women worry when they have a sudden desire to truly enjoy the pleasures of intimacy. My advice, think of Samantha from Sex and the City and smile (although yes, the Kim Cattrall pregnancy story is here -- read on.) Here is one story of a sudden sex urge: “My sex drive has recently gone through the roof. This came after a long period of difficulties in my relationship. When we finally started having sex again, its been like I'm aroused all the time. I used to get excited about sex around mid cycle for a few days and then it would pass -- most of the time I wasn't interested. Now I'm excited all the time.
“I'm thinking about it all the time, looking up new positions, etc. I'm getting worried that there is something wrong with me.” Fortunately the women who wrote back to her said that the strong desire for sex is perfectly normal. More importantly one of the women suggested she express this interest to her husband. Womens health.com

In the world of love and marriage, talking and sharing intimate thoughts, desires, and fanatasies helps strengthen communication. It may trigger a few hidden passions in your man.   Instead of fearing your desires and his, embrace them -- yes, even during pregnancy.

And from the Baby Center Community Babycenter.com -- higher_than_normal_sex_drive it is refreshing to see women talking openly and honestly about their feelings and their relationship with their husbands. The beauty of pregnancy is that the body seems to be at harmony with itself in its act of creation. Quite a beautiful experience for those who choose to have children.

On the subject of pregancy: We hear from Brad Brevet the news about Sex and the City 2 -- and here is one of the rumored plot lines. “Big loses a lot of money and takes a job in London, living alone in a one-bedroom apartment. Big gets really low and ends up in bed with another woman. After she leaves him Carrie discovers she is pregnant.” Rope of Silicon.com
While many women report feeling a sudden sex surge during pregnancy this is one Sex and the City lady who is not taking any chances with her sex urges -- she is happy the way she is. This following brief is from Babble. Sex And The City's Kim Cattrall Pregnant At 52? Posted by Sassy Smith

Kim Cattrall, whose "Samantha" character on Sex and the City would probably never have a baby - she likes her carefree lifestyle too much and being able to date numerous men. But what about in real life? Does Kim have babies on the brain?

Apparently - no, never, not going to happen. Cattrall, who is 52, is dating chef Alan Wyse, 29, and the couple are not on the same page when it comes to children. (Story posted on April 12, 2009) Babble.com.

Kim might want to read Tinamarie Bernard, our Modern Love Examiner -- I love her final comment in Under the covers: pregnancy, intimacy and our views on nudity vs. nakedness.

She says, "Women who once might have feared that their pregnancies made them unattractive or undesirable are finding that their men think otherwise. And isn’t that what Modern Love is all about, sanctifying the ordinary and rethinking our attitudes toward central human drives and relationships?” Under the covers: pregnancy, intimacy and sex

Sudden passion: Titillating spanking stories and skirts

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sudden passion: Titillating spanking stories and skirts

May 2, 4:08 PM · Add a Comment

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How far are you willing to go for titillation? If your husband or lover came home with a sexy negligee for you, you would wear it and enjoy it. What about the new leather spanking skirts -- those skirts with leather fronts and an open buckled back to reveal your tender backside? Would you jump right into it for some sudden titillating passion? Or would you be appalled? Rachael Kramer Bussel's new spanking books including "Bottoms Up" by Cleius Press are more provocative than these early ones -- but the idea is the same. But now, instead of your imagination, the Internet and some entrepreneurs in Pakistan are making bare bottom leather skirts and accessories for those who like to push the envelope. The love and marriage factor: In an era in which we have seen marriages crumble in the wake of scandalous trysts with women from escort services, perhaps a man who brings home a spanking skirt is merely trying to set up a dialogue – one that says, “We need more excitement in our marriage.”    Take it as a cue and not an insult. The industry is growing.
Lacy Threads and Leather Straps: It seems that there is an increasing demand for erotica which appears to be fueled by the Internet. Right now in Pakistan, according to a New York Times report this week, “Lacy Threads and Leather Straps Bind a Business,” a little company in Karachi has a $1 million industry catering to the fetish and bondage products for the United States and Europe.

They sell primarily online and through eBay. According to the founders, their market research tells them that “70 percent of their customers were middle-to upper-class Americans and a majority of them Democrats. The Netherlands and Germany account for the bulk of their European sales.”
New York Times

When I questioned the notion that this could be demeaning to women, one of my colleagues pointed out that when a woman dons a spanking skirt, the pleasurable pain is something she most likely enjoys, if it stays on a fun and sensual level.

The SPANKING SCENE from "SECRETARY" with Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader -- that many of you emailed me about on YouTube -- embedding is not permitted. Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Sudden passion: Sex with a stranger, have you?

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sudden passion: Sex with a stranger, have you?

May 1, 11:27 PM · Add a Comment

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It happens more than we realize. In fact it happens much more than even I realized when I wrote this a few days ago. As such, at the end, you will see links to a question put to readers at Shine. If you are wondering, "What is the point?" the answer is simple. To help your imagination run wild and your temperature rise with your husband or lover. I heard this story the other evening at the little cigar bar in town from a globe-trotter, an older European gentleman, and I believed his every word. He recounted the moment with utmost detail. “We were at the Louvre looking at paintings. I watched her every move pretending to be studying a Cezanne. "Then she disappeared. She was hauntingly beautiful. The next evening, I was attending a very formal cocktail party. I became breathless as I saw her face across the room. I began to approach her, she moved towards me.
"The waiter brought a tray of champagne glasses between us. She took one. I took one. And without saying a word, she smiled. She brushed against me and I followed her. We went to the courtyard. People were all around us, but there was a tiny grouping of trees. She lifted her foot delicately to a garden bench, her evening dress opened to reveal her desire.

"There was a sudden passion between us, hot and searing. She disappeared after those moments of intimacy and I never saw her again. Only in Paris could this have happened. And only before the days when we learned to be careful.”

As “Frenzy: 60 stories of sudden sex” edited by Alison Tyler shows us, it can happen anywhere, not just Paris. As it says on the back of the book, “What happens when desire trumps restraint, and a seeming innocent glance triggers a red-hot, clothes in a heap quickie.”

The gentleman who told me the story is now married and says he will never reveal this moment to his wife. But one of the women who heard the story said, “I can do that.” And she tells me that sex between she and her husband has never been better! Perhaps the stories in this book by Cleis Press will inspire intimacy at home rather than abroad.
But then again, the two of you might watch some of those exotic scenes in The Thomas Crowne Affair with Pierce Brosnan and Renee Russo -- I like their experience of sudden champagne passion.
Shine: Have you ever had sex with a stranger?
Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

No sex for you -- Kenyan women on strike

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

No sex for you -- Kenyan women on strike

May 1, 5:54 PM · 2 comments

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AP Photo of Ann Njogu leaving high Court with friends in 2007
"Thousands of Kenyan women vowed Wednesday to begin a weeklong sex strike to protest their country's bickering leadership, which they say threatens to revive the bloody chaos that convulsed the African country last year, " according to an AP report.
Leaders from Kenya's largest and oldest group dedicated to women's rights, the Women's Development Organization, said they hope the boycott will persuade men to pressure the government to make peace. Kenya_Sex_Strike
Ann Njogu from the Centre for Rights Education and Awarness and one of the organizers of the Kenyan sex ban told reporters that thousands of Kenyan women vowed Wednesday to begin a weeklong sex strike." Leaders from Kenya's largest and oldest group dedicated to women's rights, the Women's Development Organization, said they hope the boycott will persuade men to pressure the government to make peace. It was also reported that the women are offering to pay sex workers to abstain as well. Kenyan-women-sex Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Elizabeth Edwards lashes out at John's mistress

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Elizabeth Edwards lashes out at John's mistress

May 1, 11:14 AM · 4 comments

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IAP Photo/ Bill Davila
While Elizabeth talks of her pain, she lashes out at John's mistress without ever mentioning the woman's name. However, Rielle Hunter was not as kind. Elizabeth, the news story: We wanted to believe in the perfect marriage. But the marriage of Elizabeth Edwards and John was not perfect. Her book, which will be coming on shortly is being talked about in the news. Apparently the New York Daily News obtained an advance copy where she says: I cried, I screamed Rielle Hunter, the other woman: According to a report in The Week, Elizabeth never uses the name of Rielle Hunter in her book, but rather calls her "pathetic." The Week, Elizabeth_Edwards_vs_Rielle_Hunter Reille was not as kind to Elizabeth and according to this Fox News report spoke scornfully of John's wife. Fox News The book: In the book Elizabeth reveals that John should not have run for president. Her book is called, Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts in Facing Life's Adversities Elizabeth has focused her energies on Health Care Reform. The forgiveness factor: But I do want to point out something important that I will say repeatedly, cheating may not necessarily be the end of a relationship. Elizabeth Edwards has written a book called Resilience.   It is an inspirational book in which she shows us the power of forgiveness Fox News HERE IS AN EXCERPT FROM A PIECE THAT WAS ON MY BLOG, Cheating, Chemotherapy, and Commitment / posted on August 13, 2008 The cheating privileges given by Samantha, Sex in the City, to her young lover while she was undergoing chemotherapy underscores the devastating effects of treatment. Although I wrote about it for my monthly Op-ed column for the Providence Journal, “Of DNA and Desire” I had no idea that the John and Elizabeth Edwards story would surface. Today the issue of infidelity is all the more poignant in the face of reality. Commitment: John and Elizabeth seemed to portray a perfect marriage. Their family survived the tragedy of their teenage son’s death with an admirable sense of faith and love. Even though he wasn’t our presidential pick, we appreciated the family man. Cheating and truth: But John and Elizabeth were models. And we needed an icon. Are we really appalled at what he did to Elizabeth or what he did to us? What happens behind closed doors is a matter between husband and wife. But when one is a public figure running for president then it seems all bets are off. Today the media is questioning their inability to do the digging to get at the truth. But what is the truth? And what is the message? I like what Rabbi Shmuley Boteach in The Jerusalem Post a few days ago: “Why Men Like John Edwards Cheat.” He pointed out that Elizabeth believed John should continue pursuing his presidential dream despite her metastatic breast cancer. It was an example for their children to know that despite difficult battles, life goes on. Commitment to children: The Rabbi says, “But perhaps an even more important lesson to convey to our children is that what will truly make them special in life is not becoming president but being committed and loving family members who always put each other first. As we sit and wonder and judge – I am reminded of an often-quoted phrase from my grandmother, straight from the Bible, “Let he who is not guilty cast the first stone.”   END REGARDING A COMMITMENT TO CHILDREN: This from Tinamarie Bernard, our Modern Love Examiner. Under the covers: teaching our children to be fabulous lovers (not just about sex) part 1

Cheating: Elizabeth Edwards talks about John's affair

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Cheating: Elizabeth Edwards talks about John's affair

April 30, 5:29 PM · Add a Comment

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AP Photo/ Tom Milalek
We wanted to believe in the perfect marriage. But the marriage of Elizabeth Edwards and John was not perfect. Her book, which will be coming on shortly is being talked about in the news. Apparently the New York Daily News obtained an advance copy where she says: I cried, I screamed She reveals that John should not have run for president. Her book is called, Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts in Facing Life's Adversities The forgiveness factor: But I do want to point out something important that I will say repeatedly, cheating may not necessarily be the end of a relationship. Elizabeth Edwards has written a book called Resilience.   It is an inspirational book in which she shows us the power of forgiveness Fox News HERE IS AN EXCERPT FROM A PIECE THAT WAS ON MY BLOG, Cheating, Chemotherapy, and Commitment / posted on August 13, 2008 The cheating privileges given by Samantha, Sex in the City, to her young lover while she was undergoing chemotherapy underscores the devastating effects of treatment. Although I wrote about it for my monthly Op-ed column for the Providence Journal, “Of DNA and Desire” I had no idea that the John and Elizabeth Edwards story would surface. Today the issue of infidelity is all the more poignant in the face of reality. Commitment: John and Elizabeth seemed to portray a perfect marriage. Their family survived the tragedy of their teenage son’s death with an admirable sense of faith and love. Even though he wasn’t our presidential pick, we appreciated the family man. Cheating and truth: But John and Elizabeth were models. And we needed an icon. Are we really appalled at what he did to Elizabeth or what he did to us? What happens behind closed doors is a matter between husband and wife. But when one is a public figure running for president then it seems all bets are off. Today the media is questioning their inability to do the digging to get at the truth. But what is the truth? And what is the message? I like what Rabbi Shmuley Boteach in The Jerusalem Post a few days ago: “Why Men Like John Edwards Cheat.” He pointed out that Elizabeth believed John should continue pursuing his presidential dream despite her metastatic breast cancer. It was an example for their children to know that despite difficult battles, life goes on. Commitment to children: The Rabbi says, “But perhaps an even more important lesson to convey to our children is that what will truly make them special in life is not becoming president but being committed and loving family members who always put each other first. As we sit and wonder and judge – I am reminded of an often-quoted phrase from my grandmother, straight from the Bible, “Let he who is not guilty cast the first stone.”   END REGARDING A COMMITMENT TO CHILDREN: This from Tinamarie Bernard, our Modern Love Examiner. Under the covers: teaching our children to be fabulous lovers (not just about sex) part 1
Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Sudden passion: sex drive surge, update - even in pregnancy!

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sudden passion: sex drive surge, update - even in pregnancy!

April 30, 12:05 PM · Add a Comment

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AP/ Photo
Every once in a while a woman writes a story about a sudden sex urge. Some women worry when they have a sudden desire to truly enjoy the pleasures of intimacy. My advice, think of Samantha from Sex and the City and smile. (And she and the Sex and the City ladies will be back for a new movie. Now that I am doing a bit of a "Sudden Passion" series, I will keep you posted.) UPDATE: But right now here is an updated link at the end -- it seems that pregnant women are reporting the sudden sex surge as well! For now, here is one story of a sudden sex urge from Women’s Heath. Com
“My sex drive has recently gone through the roof. This came after a long period of difficulties in my relationship. When we finally started having sex again, its been like I'm aroused all the time. I used to get excited about sex around mid cycle for a few days and then it would pass -- most of the time I wasn't interested. Now I'm excited all the time.

“I'm thinking about it all the time, looking up new positions, etc. I'm getting worried that there is something wrong with me.”

Fortunately the women who wrote back to her said that the strong desire for sex is perfectly normal. More importantly one of the women suggested she express this interest to her husband. Womens health.com

In the world of love and marriage, talking and sharing intimate thoughts, desires, and fanatasies helps strengthen your bond of communication. And who knows, it may trigger a few hidden passions in your man as well. Instead of fearing your desires and his, embrace them.

UPDATE: from the Baby Center Community!
Babycenter.com -- higher_than_normal_sex_drive

Here are links to Sudden Passion: watch for more details

Sudden passion: Spanking skirts, an update

Sudden passion: Sex with a stranger

For other thoughts on intimacy read the "Under the Covers" series by Tinamarie Bernard, our Modern Love Examiner. Under the covers: sanctifying sex and our sexual identities
To share some fun here is the Sexy Song of the Day: Katy Perry, 'Waking Up In Vegas' (video) from Sarah Estrella, our Sex and Relationship Examiner Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

People to people contact: caution now that swine flu was raised to Phase 5

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

People to people contact: caution now that swine flu was raised to Phase 5

April 29, 7:27 PM · Add a Comment

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Roger Manny Photo
If you are like me, you will do anything to avoid hearing bad news. As most of you know, I don't even own a television. I would rather live in my fantasy world of love and relationships. But in truth, I have a public health degree in epidemiology and I cannot ignore the World Health Organization (WHO) alert on swine flu that was now raised to Phase 5. What does this mean? It is a contagious flu virus that has the danger of becoming a pandemic. Check threat level in your state This is basically a flu so be careful with regard to people to people contact.

Like any other flu, it is spread from person to person.

You do not get swine flu from eating pork or bacon.

Here are Questions and Answers prepared by the CDC ; a report from the L A Times and the AP WHO report. So while I would rather you were reading articles by our terrific Relationship Examiners, and my recently published Sudden passion: Spanking skirts, an update perhaps just take a minute to brief yourself with this CDC video and stay safe! By the by, Roger Manny, on stateside from Dubai, took the pig photo in New York City. An architect, he has been a member of a number of health committees to protect people from the spread of airborne illness. Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Sudden passion: Spanking skirts, an update

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sudden passion: Spanking skirts, an update

April 29, 1:08 PM · Add a Comment

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What would you do if your husband or lover came home with a sexy negligee for you? Most probably you would enjoy it. What about a spanking skirt -- those skirts with leather fronts and an open buckled back to reveal your tender backside? Would you jump right into it for some sudden titillating passion? Or would you be appalled? (Update note at the end about spanking scene from The Secretary)
In an era in which we have seen marriages crumble in the wake of scandalous trysts with women from escort services, perhaps a man who brings home a spanking skirt is merely trying to set up a dialogue – one that says, “We need more excitement in our marriage.”

Take it as a cue and not an insult. The industry is growing.

It seems that there is an increasing demand for erotica which appears to be fueled by the Internet. Right now in Pakistan, according to a New York Times report this week, “Lacy Threads and Leather Straps Bind a Business,” a little company in Karachi has a $1 million industry catering to the fetish and bondage products for the United States and Europe.

They sell primarily online and through eBay. According to the founders, their market research tells them that “70 percent of their customers were middle-to upper-class Americans and a majority of them Democrats. The Netherlands and Germany account for the bulk of their European sales.” This site has a video that graphically depicts some of the clothing items manufactured by the brothers in Pakistan in a shop that is kept so secret that even their wives and mothers do not know what they do. Although the designer of the clothes confesses she has some fantasies.
New York Times

Keep in mind that costumes and toys sometimes give a couple a few moments of fun – that may turn around the problems faced in 20 million sexless marriages.

When I questioned the notion that this could be demeaning to women, one of my colleagues pointed out that when a woman dons a spanking skirt, the pleasurable pain is something she most likely enjoys, if it stays on a fun and sensual level.

According to the Guardian.co.uk, exotic and erotic lingerie sales are on the rise, despite the recession.
Guardian.co.uk

UPDATE: The SPANKING SCENE from "SECRETARY" with Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader.

I received some emails asking why I did not include the Spanking Scene in this posting from "Secretary."

Two reasons:

1) It is the spanking scene that suggests she realizes her masochistic tendencies and that is not the intent of this posting.

What I am talking about here is a news item depicting an industry that might be helpful to some in heating up their passion.

2) The YouTube video has been disabled and to view you must sign in and confirm that you are over 18 years of age

Book jacket photo: Cleis Press, book by Alison Tyler
Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Rat Pack Tunes on American Idol bring back memories of Sinatra and my father, his sound engineer

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Rat Pack Tunes on American Idol bring back memories of Sinatra and my father, his sound engineer

April 27, 9:45 PM · Add a Comment

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From a family Album, my father, Vince Esposito, left
The American Idol is talking about The Rat Pack songs these days. For me it brings back memories of my father's travels with Frank Sinatra as his sound consultant.   While I usually write about love and marriage, in some ways, this is my family's love affair with Frank Sinatra.
Although his memory has been hijacked by Alzheimer’s, my father still remembers working with Sinatra at the Fountainbleau in Miami Beach. There Sinatra performed on stage and partied off stage. These were the Rat Pack days in the ’60s when he was making the movie Tony Rome (1967). The photo here is from the movie set that I found in his album.

My father imported hand held microphones that brought the stars to him and they in turn took him on world travels.

Our father just celebrated his 89^th birthday and still remembers the travels, the music and the stories. The photo albums are a reminder of glory days. When he turned 80, we designed a newspaper for him filled with photos and articles from his show-business days with Tony Bennett, Ella Fitzgerald, Sammy Davis, Jr., and a host of other celebrated musicians. We also held a surprise party for him and had several members of the Yale Precision Marching Band playing “Hail to the Chief” when he and my mother arrived. They then filled the afternoon with sounds of Sinatra.

Dad recalls the days with Frank so well that it is difficult to grasp that his memory slips further away each day. He loves family gatherings with grandchildren visiting and great-grandchildren running to him saying, “Poppy, Poppy.” They sit with him and play and wait for his paper airplanes to fly. Oftentimes Frank will be singing in the background and he will say to us, “Did I ever tell you about Frank?”   And so we listen again.

One day in reminiscing about grandparent days, our children will tell their children about Nanny and Poppy and Frank Sinatra. They will look at pictures, listen to the music, and come to see what Poppy is holding onto for himself -- while at the same time shareing with us -- memories. American Idol will be a nostalgic one for me.

Sex with your ex? Maybe just blow him a farewell kiss

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Sex with your ex? Maybe just blow him a farewell kiss

April 27, 11:34 AM · 1 comment

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AP photo
If you are feeling as if you have had magic dust sprinkled on you and are in a deliciously romantic mood, take a walk, exercise, and think twice about whether or not you should have sex with your ex. There seems to be a lot of it going around these days, sort of like pollen! Maybe start now and blow him a kiss goodbye.

I never say "never" but you do want to go to keep your mind open to the possibility that maybe you are lonely and, well, there is you EX! And you are simply lonely, and the two of you always had good sex.

Despite the blossoms in the air, believe it or not, spring fever is not necessarily a time for hot passion. Researchers have found that for those who kept careful diaries -- sexual activity decreases during the spring and does not pick up again until autumn.

There is so much written about this topic that as I have said before, I am going to refer you to other writers. But if you did have sex with your ex and need to do some damage control to your heart, it’s back to the TACT® Strategies. But first, here are links that you may wish to read.

This from LifeScript sheds some light on the topic of sex with your ex or the booty call. Women’s Health and sex with your ex

There is also a book called, Sex With Your Ex. . . And 69 Other Tempting Things You Should Never Do Again (Plus a Few That You Should)

And here is what you should keep in mind for yourself, The TACT® Strategies.

Take a minute - think about what you are doing in terms of reconnecting with someone who may have brought you pain in the past. Why rekindle a moment of passion? Be honest, this is between you and your heart! And forgiveness is a good answer.

Assess the situation - what are you feeling? What had you hoped for with regard to the outcome? Can you tell him or her honestly what you had expected? If not, then consider why!

Consider the alternatives - Ok, so you let your passions run wild. Don’t waste a minute on guilt. But do generate a list of what you would like to see happen in the future. Perhaps you wish to:

Try to forgive and forget and start fresh.

Acknowledge that it was fun but you should set parameters for the future.

Ask him or her to talk with you about the situation.

>>> A word about “Can we talk?” Make it fun. Make a loving joke. But be serious. “Never thought we’d be up for a roll in the hay. But we did. Where do we go from here?”

Take a stand and follow-though - Make a decision. Don’t leave yourselves like a ship with a broken sail. Talk about it. Or dismiss it completely. Obsessing about it serves no useful purpose.

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson www.ritawatson.com

No sex for you -- unless you have a condom: the a capella chorus video

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

No sex for you -- unless you have a condom: the a capella chorus video

April 27, 10:12 AM · Add a Comment

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Condom Girls in Condom Dresses at AIDS Conference
As April and STD month winds down, just a reminder that with STDs, there is no discrimination by age or profession. The January report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention noted that nearly 19 million new sexually transmitted infections occur each year, with rates increasing in women.
From the United Kingdom, the Sexually Transmitted Infections journal reported STDs are highest among women 45 to 54 and among men 55 to 60.

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation are helping to support Condom a Cappella as part of an educational effort in India.

And the downloadable tune which I am hearing now in cities around this country is at  www.condomcondom.org .

But as I say often, "Condoms are just one answer to the problem. The solution is probably a throwback to old fashioned courtship values. Get to know your partner on more than just a casual basis. Agree to be tested before intimacy. And when cuddling up, always be prepared to ‘condom up.'"

For more on condomania and links to both the Providence Journal and World News Network, please go to: Condoms Should Be Sweeping the Country

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Friends with sex benefits: truth or consequences quiz

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Friends with sex benefits: truth or consequences quiz

April 26, 8:49 PM · Add a Comment

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There is an old French saying, “Treasures are not always friends, but friends are always a treasure.” And so when people call and ask my thoughts about friends with benefits, I worry about the friendship.
The term “friends with benefits” has became synonymous with casual sex between friends. What started out as a scene from Boston Legal has made it way into The New York Times, the Archives of Sexual Behavior called “Negotiating a Friends with Benefits Relationship” and now there is an update on AskMen, “The Pros and Cons of Casual Sex Between Friends.” AskMen.com

While traditionally associated with two people who enjoy each other’s company but do not wish to make the commitment, in fact, some FWB relationships take a romantic turn into married with children.

If you are reluctant to enter a friends with benefits situation because you really want to save yourself for the right person? Good. You should.

But as one passes let’s say the age of 40 you might be using this as a excuse to avoid a committed relationship.

A quick Friends with Benefits quiz

Do you feel that you are one of those who are not good at relationships?

If you answered “Yes,” then this is a good excuse. You won’t even need to bother trying.  Then if you disappoint, you can shrug your shoulders and say, “See, I warned you. Did my part. Sorry if I broke your heart.”

If you are in a friends with benefits situation ask yourself these questions:

Am I doing this because commitment is too difficult?

Is this my excuse to avoid commitment?

Do I traditionally tell myself and others that I am not good at relationships – thereby absolving myself of the responsibility for trying?

Have I been so hurt by others that I am really afraid to be hurt again?

Do I really like this person and sometimes imagine that this can lead to a long-term relationship?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions and the friend with whom you are sharing the benefits is really a friend – than it is time for a friendship talk – truth with no consequences.

The New York Times carried a story called, Friends with Benefits and Stress, too.

Here are some FWB rules: Friends_with_benefits -- the Rules

Photo from The Examiner.com

Barbara Streisand: Lovers are special people; Barbara and Susan Boyle sing Cry Me a River

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Barbara Streisand: Lovers are special people; Barbara and Susan Boyle sing Cry Me a River

April 26, 9:49 AM · Add a Comment

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AP Photo (Husband James Brolin, Barbara)
Barbara Streisand has the voice that makes lovers swoon. And suddenly she is being compared to Susan Boyle, but more for the makeover talk than voice. Here are three videos: Cry Me a River by both Susan and Barbara. But first "People." Saturday she did a one hour TV special, “Streisand: Live in Concert” featuring Streisand singing her hits “The Way We Were,” “Somewhere,” “Evergreen” and a reprise version of “Don’t Rain On My Parade.” The TV program coincided with the April 28 three-DVD release of “Barbra Streisand — The Concerts. Widetrends.com/ . Link to the Lessons of Susan Boyle after the three songs. Susan Boyle: Cry Me a River Barbara Streisand: Cry Me a River
LESSONS OF SUSAN BOYLE Are they saying, "Don't change a hair for me? Not if you care for me?"

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson
www.ritawatson.com

Condom up for the funny "when pigs fly" video banned from TV

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Condom up for the funny "when pigs fly" video banned from TV

April 25, 10:04 AM · 3 comments

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Roger Manny Photo
Since April is STD month, I thought it would be a good time to post the clever and banned video about men and pigs and condoms. The banned video The innovative “Men are Pigs and Must Evolve ” campaign by the Kaplan Thaler Group for Trojan brand condoms portrays a pig sitting at a bar “hitting on” a blonde young woman -- until he is transformed by a condom. The group has taken its safe-sex message to colleges with everything from pig-snout decals at the bottom of beer glasses to comedy and musical events. This video is funny, clever, and was banned by Fox and CBS. Watch it here

With STDs, there is no discrimination by age or profession. The January report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention noted that nearly 19 million new sexually transmitted infections occur each year, with rates increasing in women and the 15- to 24-year-olds. As such this is an important campaign. Get tested!

Dr. Regina Benjamin: risky teen sex crisis a challenge for new surgeon general

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
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Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

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AP PhotThe story book marriage of Jacqueline Bouvier and Jack Kennedy brought such magic to the nation that their Washington reign was compared to the kingdom of Camelot. The comparison to Camelot was a reference to the slain President's favorite musical.
While it was never a fairy tale, a new book about to hit the shelves this month apparently details the love affair between Jackie Kennedy and the president's younger brother, Bobby. Such a document seems to tarnish the image of a family torn apart by glamor and tragedy. Rumors have always swirled around the relationship between Jackie and Bobby, much to the chagrin of Bobby's wife, Ethel.   But now, The New York Post has all of the gossip about the two as depicted in an upcoming saga. The sadness of the book is that we are given too much information about two people irrational in their grief -- and yet, if the allegations are true, infidelity is infidelity is infidelity. According to the New York Post report, "Jackie Kennedy had a four-year love affair with Bobby Kennedy that began not long after JFK's assassination and grew so intense that when RFK was gunned down, it was she -- not his wife -- who instructed doctors to pull the plug, an explosive new book claims." The article continues, "The married senator and father of 11 kids was the former first lady's one 'true love' -- and his wife, Ethel, along with the rest of the Kennedy clan, knew about their romance, according to Bobby and Jackie: A Love Story." New York Post The irony is that we wanted to believe in the ideal marriage of Jack and Jackie even while rumors of Jack and Marilyn Monroe surfaced. But if one goes back to the Kennedy Library archives, the reference to Camelot was quite touchingly from Jackie Kennedy. The words from the song, "Don't let it be forgot / That once there was a spot / For one brief shining moment / That was known as Camelot" Jackie Kennedy is said to have added the words, "There'll be great Presidents again - but they'll never be another Camelot again." While the book appears to cloud the glory of Camelot, in reality, "don't let it be forgot" that Camelot is the story of King Arthur and his loyal Sir Lancelot, who wooed away the King's wife, Guinevere. For more about the Kennedy's and Camelot

Cape Cod today

A week after cradling her slain husband in her lap in Dallas ...

JFK Library, Camelot documents

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Love-and-Marriage-Examiner

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Love and Marriage Examiner Rita Watson: Love and Marriage Examiner

Love and laughter

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
People often talk about being in love. They talk about this emotional high. We hear that love is an attraction, a certain chemistry, an intoxication. When two people meet and fall in love it is as if they were touched by the same star. They may talk about being soul-mates. Simply put, romantic love is a powerful emotion that has many different components. But one powerful attraction is laughter. Men like women who laugh and their jokes and women prefer men who make them laugh. Sounds like the perfect marriage Here is news news about a new book on laughter from Amy Sedari who plays Jerri Blank on Comedy Central's "Strangers With Candy." Newsday CNN reported recently that according to new research, women rate funny guys as more intelligent than guys who are not so funny. The research was presented this week at the British Psychological Society Annual Conference in Brighton, England. "Over the course of history, women actively look for signs that their man is intelligent, and I believe the ability to actively judge the situation and pull off a joke and make you laugh is an intelligent feat," said Kristofor McCarty, a researcher at Northumbria University in Newcastle, England, and author of the study, in an e-mail. Women, men, and laughter Attention, single dudes: Women want you to make them laugh. According to new research, women rate funny guys as more intelligent than guys who are not so funny. The research was presented this week at the British Psychological Society Annual Conference in Brighton, England. "Over the course of history, women actively look for signs that their man is intelligent, and I believe the ability to actively judge the situation and pull off a joke and make you laugh is an intelligent feat," said Kristofor McCarty, a researcher at Northumbria University in Newcastle, England, and author of the study, in an e-mail. McCarty's study asked 45 heterosexual women aged 18 to 30 to rate various self-descriptions of men, some funnier than others. He invented the fictional lives of 10 men and then created a funny and not-so-funny vignette from each of their perspectives. Then, participants read all 20 descriptions and rated them on qualities such as likeliness of friendship, likeliness of long-term relationship, honesty and intelligence. One example the study designated as high-quality humor was this: "I was standing in a mental illness ward the other day when I heard a doctor speaking to a new nurse on the ward. He was really giving her a telling-off, and his parting words were, 'And remember, when it's busy, don't go around saying it's a madhouse,' " McCarty said. By contrast, a statement low on amusement was, "I was out skiing last year when I ended up slipping all the way down the mountain." To set a general standard of humor, McCarty did a preliminary study to test which jokes and humorous statements were the funniest on 35 females aged 18 to 30. In the search for love, there are other components. The ones that seem to be most prominent include:

Attraction - Sometimes even without words we are drawn to another person. We want to be close to the person -- to touch, to hug, to love, to become one.

Respect - This is based on a value system more so than emotions. When we fall in love with someone whom we respect, it is easier to sustain a bond through good times and bad.

Commitment - While many couples say they are in love, oftentimes one partner is terrified of the word "commitment" but without commitment, love has a way of drifting.

Ability to be forgiving - True love is unconditional. We don't give and take according to a set of rules, "If you loved me, you would....." If someone we say we love does something foolish and hurtful, those in love are those who forgive.

Dr. Leo Buscaglia, the love doctor, wrote a book called "Love" and in a interview he talked about the essence of love. This is what he said: "The essence of love is getting out of oneself and into others. When we care less about our feelings, our rights, our happiness, our security, etc., and begin to concern ourselves with the feelings, rights, happiness, and security of others, we will have found the true power of love." What is loveWhat is the sound of love? It is a still small voice in our heart that comes with contentment and commitment. It is the chime of laughter.

Down-low behavior and the late E. Lynn Harris

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
In the search for Mr. Right, it is helpful to know if the man with whom you fall in love is straight or gay. And sometimes, even after marriage, wives are not certain because of a practice called down-low in which married men have secret male lovers. It was best-selling novelist E. Lynn Harris, 54, who revealed a hidden side of African -American life, men who were outwardly heterosexual but leading secret gay lives. The author died July 23 after collapsing during a book tour. The sooner women become more aware of the husband's sexual orientation, the easier it will be to come to terms with the behavior. Women have two choices. To end the relationship and get on with their lives, or reconcile with their husband's bisexuality and incorporate it into their lifestyle as one sometimes sees in open marriages. What is the generic meaning of down-low? It basically means under the radar, something done in private that you prefer to keep private. The Centers for Disease Control and down low. The CDC says, “The most generic definition of the term down-low or DL is ‘to keep something private,’ whether that refers to information or activity.” They note that down-low behavior appears to be most prevalent in the African-American community. Why does this interest the CDC? Because from a medical perspective down-low behavior may affect one’s health and women with regard to sexually transmitted disease or HIV/AIDS please read Questions and Answers: Men on the Down-Low. In reality, many men on the down-low are bisexual and for many women that is just fine. However, in the spirit of full disclosure, it is important for a man to tell a woman the truth. Yes, this practice has gone on for centuries, quietly. But it is now out in the open. Aliyah Baruchin, who reports on complex medical issues for the New York Times did a piece for AOL Personals that gives straight answers to questions you might have. She says that “because men on the down low are so vigilant about concealing their behavior, ferreting it out may be impossible. But others disagree.” To read about the author who talked about down-low behavior, please see the following articles: * DC HIV and AIDS Examiner E. Lynn Harris dies in the midst of his advocacy against the AIDS stigma He inspired a generation of young people who wanted to become more proactive about acknowledging the vulnerability of black, gay men. And he wanted to keep the awareness of HIV in the minds and hearts of his loyal fans. * The Associated Press: Author E. Lynn Harris dies at 54 "Long before the secret world of closeted black gay men came to light in America, bestselling author E. Lynn Harris introduced a generation of black women to the phenomenon known as the 'down low.'"

Rick Titino: a sad tale of sex and

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

We are hearing words of sympathy for Coach Pitino, his wife, Joanne, and his family. And we should. But our hearts must ache for Joanne Pitino who joins the ranks of wives and mothers tarnished by adultery.

The story of adultery is becoming all too common -- an indiscreet move on the part of their husbands' leaves the families vulnerable. In the world of politics it was Elizabeth Edwards and more recently Jenny Sanford. Love and marriage gone awry.

But what is happening with the Pitino family as a result of the allegations and accusations is reaching disturbing proportions. (See photo at end of the woman who has accused Pitino.)

As the story unfolds, it seems that Coach Rick Pitino, of the University of Louisville, had an apparent consensual sexual liaison. When the woman announced she was pregnant he gave her money for an abortion. But it is alleged that extortion demands escalated.

What is so sad about this case is the number of people involved and hurt – families, a team, a school. Pitino has a wife and five children. It's a mess really for a team that often travels with Pitino's close friend, a Catholic priest.

Statements from U of L: According to USA Today: “U of L Athletic Director Tom Jurich said in a statement Tuesday that ‘Coach Pitino has been truthful with us about this matter all along and we stand by him and his family during this process.’ University President James Ramsey released a statement Tuesday night saying: ‘Several months ago Coach Pitino informed me about the alleged extortion attempt. I've now been informed that there may be other details which, if true, I find surprising. My thoughts are with Coach Pitino and his family. .’" USA Today.com/sports/college/mensbasketball

According to an AP story: "Pitino is Catholic and brings along close friend and spiritual adviser, the Rev. Edward Bradley - a priest in Henderson, Ky. - on many team trips. Bradley often prays with the team before games and is a fixture near the Louisville bench. "There was no answer late Tuesday at the priest's office where he also lives. " Canadian press/ Catholic priest comment: Did someone really think a Catholic priest would comment? The Ten Commandments are quite clear on this one -- Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. But the New Testament also notes, "Let he who is not guilty cast the first stone." With all the infidelity going around these days, there may not be a lot of stones left to be cast. And there are too many marriages and families experiencing the pain when someone breaks a marriage vow. WebMD/overcoming-infidelity

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
The Facebook phenomenon is undeniable. We love it. We hate it. We use it. As a social networking tool it may or may not be valuable. Do I really want to see myself in all those impromptu photos? Do I care what old boyfriends are up to these days? Do I want to find love and marriage in a fishbowl? Now, do all of you on my "please don't ask again" list understand why I have ignored your request to be a friend? And for those of you to whom I did say "Yes" because I really do want to see pictures of you and your children on Facebook -- please don't send me games, treats, or sweets unless there is a big prize. For me, the prize would have to be Pierce Brosnan's twin unmarried brother. Now back to marriage. As I wrote last month, sometimes with love and marriage it is simply a matter of serendipity. A guy from Texas with the same name as a gal from Florida met online. According to a story by Lynne Jones, it seems that she said, “I was like, ‘I wonder if there’s any other Kelly Hildebrandts on Facebook’,“ she explained. “So, I searched my own name and he’s the only one that came up. And actually, in the picture, he didn’t have his shirt on, and I’m like, And now an October wedding is planned.. Facebook couple with identical names is getting married ... On the flip side from Above the Law, one of my favorite reads, Elie Myst tells us that group of Facebook users are suing for invasion of privacy. I love what she has written: "When a group of Facebook users sue Facebook for invasion of privacy, it really gives you hope that the legal profession will come out of this recession stronger than ever. The ability of Americans to turn fear and an incomplete understanding of what they signed up for into a full blown lawsuit is like renewable energy to American lawyers." Are you frightened by_facebook? Should you be frightened by Facebok? If you are cheating, yes. But you should also be afraid of your own conscience and the consequences: .Facebook and the-new-face-of-cheating/ The key to Facebook success, if you really are looking for love -- say so. But be discreet. Yes, I have a gorgeous friend who often receives notes from men madly in love with her. I'll tell you what I tell her: Check them out carefully. Some may turn out to be lifelong love and some may be absolute swindlers. My stories this week: * Love and Marriage 101: Celine to Octomom, what is motherhood? * John Edwards: bringing his mistress home * Irresponsible Sex: Lauren London, Lil Wayne list toppers Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

Ted Kennedy, Jr.: his eulogy, family love, ritual, and music video

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
The funeral service for the late Senator Edward Kennedy was marked with love, ritual, and music. There was a dramatic outpouring of love from family, friends, colleagues, and our nation's leaders. His wife, Victoria, displayed the grace that became a hallmark for their marriage. The ritual was the Catholic Mass at Our Lady of Perpetual Help, marked by the children participating. Here is Edward Kennedy Jr.'s Remembrance of Senator Kennedy The music included the exquisite sounds of Yo-Yo Ma on the cello and Placido Domingo singing the solemn Panis Angelicus. Here is the song from a Mass at the National Park in Washington since the videos available from the Mass itself are difficult to hear. Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

From teacher to porn star, the demise of another role model

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

There is a sad demise of role models these days that is wreaking havoc with marriage and families and putting children at risk. We finally get over the news about John Edwards, Mark Sanford, and coach Rick Pitino and now a new role model falls, this time a teacher. According to the New York Daily News "Tiffany Shepherd, 31, made headlines in April after bikini-clad pictures of her on a fishing charter got her canned from Port St. Lucie High School. She turned to doing porn, she told a Florida news outlet, after losing custody of two of her three kids to her ex-husband and sending out 2,500 resumes – some even to prisons – without landing a new teaching job." Bikini-clad teacher Tiffany Shepherd, aka Leah Lust, turns to porn . With John Edwards, Mark Sanford, and coach Rick Pitino, they apparently missed the word “not” in “Thou shall not commit adultery.” What I find to be most upsetting is that these news-makers put their families through public embarrassment because of their thoughtless actions. They fall short as role models which children need for their own lives. With Tiffany Shepherd she has already been through a divorce and John Edwards and Mark Sanford were involved in the type of adulterous affairs that most often lead to divorce.
Judith Wallerstein, PhD, is author of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, which was the result of a 25-year landmark study. In a PBS interview she said that “the major impact of divorce is not, as we thought, at the time of the breakup, although that's very hard, but the major impact of divorce happens when they enter young adulthood and they... when the man/woman situation, man/woman relationship moves center stage, and that's when the ghosts of the parent's divorce rise from the basement."

While we all appreciate Tiffany Shepherd's frustration at not finding a job, going from teacher to porn star seems like a sad choice.

For the original story of her dismissal: Teacher Moonlighting as Bikini Mate Cut Loose - ABC News

For more about Mary Carey pictured above:'Can YOU Be A Porn Star?' - CBS News

From teacher to porn star, the downfall of another role model

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

There is a sad demise of role models these days that is wreaking havoc with marriage and families and putting children at risk. We finally get over the news about John Edwards, Mark Sanford, and coach Rick Pitino and now a new role model falls, this time a teacher.

According to the New York Daily News "Tiffany Shepherd, 31, made headlines in April after bikini-clad pictures of her on a fishing charter got her canned from Port St. Lucie High School. She turned to doing porn, she told a Florida news outlet, after losing custody of two of her three kids to her ex-husband and sending out 2,500 resumes – some even to prisons – without landing a new teaching job." Bikini-clad teacher Tiffany Shepherd, aka Leah Lust, turns to porn .

With John Edwards, Mark Sanford, and coach Rick Pitino, they apparently missed the word “not” in “Thou shall not commit adultery.” What I find to be most upsetting is that these news-makers put their families through public embarrassment because of their thoughtless actions. They fall short as role models which children need for their own lives.

With Tiffany Shepherd she has already been through a divorce and John Edwards and Mark Sanford were involved in the type of adulterous affairs that most often lead to divorce.
Judith Wallerstein, PhD, is author of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, which was the result of a 25-year landmark study. In a PBS interview she said that “the major impact of divorce is not, as we thought, at the time of the breakup, although that's very hard, but the major impact of divorce happens when they enter young adulthood and they... when the man/woman situation, man/woman relationship moves center stage, and that's when the ghosts of the parent's divorce rise from the basement."

While we all appreciate Tiffany Shepherd's frustration at not finding a job, going from teacher to porn star seems like a sad choice.

* For the original story of her dismissal: Teacher Moonlighting as Bikini Mate Cut Loose - ABC News
* For more about Mary Carey pictured above:'Can YOU Be A Porn Star?' - CBS News
*

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

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Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Liquid love (oxytocin) and a drug (oxycontin)

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Tiger Woods: Elin leaves, Rachael stays; Athlete of the Year share Golf Digest cover with Obama (video)

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Official White House Photo/ Pete Souza*
The Tiger Woods story has taken many turns. The latest story is that Elin Nordegren is filing for divorce. Elin Nordegren has decided to divorce Tiger Woods Rachael Uchitel, Mistress #1 is staying close by. Elin Nordegren Packing Up, Rachel Uchitel Staying Close And in the irony or ironies, not only has Tiger Woods been named the Associated Press Athlete of the Year, but he shares the January 2010 cover of Golf Digest with Barack Obama.Golf Digest Stands by Putting Tiger Woods on Cover With Obama Their website says, "TIGER AND OBAMA -- Writers and players share what they think the president can learn from the world's best golfer -- and vice versa." Being a good athlete does not necessarily go hand in hand with being a good husband and father. But in the world of love and marriage, one reason I take offense at women dating married men or men "who are separated" is that one is not free without a divorce decree. Until that date, anything can change if there is no other man or women to interfere with the marriage bond. Rita Watson: Wall Street to Main Street: Looking for love .... "Several years ago I wrote that men and dogs should come with papers — the dogs to prove their pedigree and the men to prove they are really free." In the words of baseball legend Yogi Berra, "It ain't over until it's over." Or one of my recent favorite expressions, "Everything will be all right in the end. And if it isn't all right, it isn't the end." There is still hope for the family of Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren to survive. Here is the AP Video regarding Tiger Woods as Athlete of the Year. PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS AT: Tiger Woods update: Elin leaves, Rachel stays; Athlete of Year shares cover with Obama (video)
* Photo from www.whitehouse.gov -- as noted on site " Pursuant to federal law, government-produced materials appearing on this site are not copyright protected."
Copyright 2009   Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved

Missing sex tape means more infidelity wounds for Edwards familly

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Missing sex tape means more infidelity wounds for Edwards familly

Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Just when you think there is closure for Elizabeth Edwards and her children, the ugly story of John Edwards and his mistress keeps getting uglier

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Playing dress-up doesn't require a trip to the thrift store. Shop in your own closet for an outfit-the trick is discovering a new way to use what you already own. Do you only wear that sheer blouse over a camisole? Try the shirt with nothing underneath. Has it been forever since you last wore heels? Slip on a pair with only one of his button-up shirts for a new twist on that Risky Business style.

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
College days, we all remember doing something totally wild because our girlfriends were there to say, "Do it. Go for it." We went out on dates with no underwear. We drank too much and slipped our hands inside his shirt. Recreate the fun and spontaneity of those days. Remember we were never critical or sarcastic, we wanted to be loved and we loved loving. Set the stage for romance. When you and your guy are alone, tell him you want to recreate a wild college moment. Some thoughts: Make love in the back seat of your car. Pull him into a closet and tell him he is the hottest hunk you have ever known. See where it leads. Advice from Alison: In my book C is for Coed -- or don't mention the book until the end -- just give the readers a sex act C is for Co-eds and college and conquests. Whisper to your partner about a sexy encounter that you had-one that he or she might never have heard before. Many lovers get aroused at the thought of their mate with someone else. Describe where you were and how you felt. Sometimes sharing a secret can be even sexier than the actual event!

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
Whisper to your partner about a sexy encounter that you had-one that he or she might never have heard before. Many lovers get aroused at the thought of their mate with someone else. Describe where you were and how you felt. Sometimes sharing a secret can be even sexier than the actual event!

Enquirer squeals on 'Lost' doc, cheating husband Matthew Fox

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000
The good "Lost" doctor, played by Matthew Fox, is supposedly such a devoted family man that he announced recently that he planned to quit... Full Story

High on Happiness, Yoga for Partners

Rita Watson — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 23:59:59 +0000
There appears to be an “Ommmm” movement in the making to enhance love play. Yoga for partners coupled with sensual moves and vigorous sex are being touted as better than exercise alone and good for relationships. Exercising two to five times a week for 30 – 40 minutes will help chase the blues away. But “Sexercise” is said to ease stress, boost cardiovascular health, fight aging and strengthen the immune system. Yoga for partners To help kittens, cougars, lovers and spouses Cosmopolitan has created at least 67 naughty tricks and tips for sizzling sex that might also give you a laugh. And for some serious sex moves, here you have it. Yoga and sex/poses Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Marriage on the Rocks, Infidelity Without End

Rita Watson — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 23:59:59 +0000
There seems to be no end to the stories about infidelity in the news. Politicians, sports giants, and movie stars.  I am preparing to attend graduation at my alma mater, and the "You'll never guess" calls have started. On the political scene: The latest politician to bite the dust is Rep. Vito Fossella of New York who was pulled over and arrested for drunk driving and acknowledged that he fathered a 3-year-old during an extramarital affair.  The Republican congressman is married and has three children. Fossella has been talked about as a potential candidate for mayor of New York City. In the Sports World: The gossip is still circulating that Roger Clemens has had a 10 year relationship with Mindy McCready that is said to have started when the country music star was a 15 year old hoping to make the big time. There are also rumors of Clemens with a former bartender and a former wife of champion golfer John Daly. DontDateHimGirl.com has had a Weeklong Series, "Inside a Man's Mind - What Guys Really Think About Love, Lust And Being Loyal." It seems that 67% of men would need a 12-step plan for staying monogamous and even if they had such a guide, 33% of men didn't think it would help.  Want more stats?

73% of men keep secrets from their significant others

21% visit sexually-oriented websites at least once a day while in a relationship

56% fantasize about other women while in a relationship

8% have virtual sex online with a person they don't know personally at least once a week while in a relationship  www.DontDateHimGirl.com.

So what's the decision here? It seems that if we love someone we accept that person as he is, as she is. But it is oh so difficult not to be judgemental. However, what one friend expressed after discovering that her lover of 10 years was having an affair with a younger woman, is somewhat reflective of the new television dramas. As my friend, an Ivy league academic with a business in France, stated: "It was not so much the age difference that bothered me, but the fact that she is from across the bridge, the other side of the river.  Did you ever watch the TV show 'Brothers and Sisters' to see that two women shared the same man. Awful. Awful. But at least the wife and mistress were from the same social circle. In my case, I find the whole tawdry affair to be demeaning." Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Manipulation & Sex Cheating in Academia

Rita Watson — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 23:59:59 +0000
I met a couple at a party – she was an absolute delight and explained that her successful husband was her former student. He is 15 years younger and they are long term happily married. Yesterday, totally out of context, I ran into someone who knew them! “But we knew that in order to be accepted in the community, we had to make darn sure that there was no funny business until he graduated,” she said. They succeeded in doing so, perhaps because each had an independent career. Nonetheless, it is interesting to compare community reaction when a male professor takes up with a female student – because there is always the suspicion of seduction or manipulation whether on the part of the student or the professor. If I had thought to record all the conversations this past week as we prepare for Commencement, I would have had my next book of who is cheating with whom in the Halls of Ivy.  (Why men and women cheat an upcoming series.) One of the female faculty members thinks student and professor relationships are based on manipulation. I wasn't so sure until I did some digging and came across this piece by Patricia L. Gadsden, founder and President of Life Esteem, a personal and professional enrichment training/coaching firm. “Those who manipulate other people are good at spotting people to control. If they feel unable to manipulate someone, they usually give up and move on to somebody else who is more likely to be receptive to the attempted manipulation.” A male faculty member made a good point. "In the workforce people work in parallel with each other despite the hierarchy of doctor and nurse, director and secretary, lawyer and assistant. Whereas in academia we might be more vulnerable to manipulation than other professions because instead of really interacting, we are there teaching and students are drawing in not just the knowledge we are trying to share, but our style as well." However, he said, "It's not an excuse and I confess to thinking about crossing the line every once in a while. But my wife would tar and feather me and plunk me in the middle of the old campus." If I took a poll to see if male professors are more vulnerable than female professors, I think women would say, "Yes, because the professors are clueless and might be inviting manipulation into their lives." Did some research on this and found that Patricia Gadsden, seems to agree. "It takes two – the manipulator and the manipulated. “Once you recognize the features of the manipulation, the next step in correcting the situation is to discover your own contribution to the problem. (This statement may seem a bit difficult to accept. After all, it's the manipulator who has the problem, you might say. But realize that manipulation cannot occur in a vacuum. As is true of any relationship, it takes two people.) You can come to understand your contribution to the manipulative situation and then take steps to correct it.” What are some of the common traits of those who are vulnerable to manipulators? She says:

You feel useful and loved only when you can take care of the needs of other people.

You need to have the approval and acceptance of other people.

You fear expressing negative emotions.

You are unable to say no and therefore unable to set appropriate boundaries.

Much of this goes back to co-dependency and just how this is all interconnected is another topic. You may not agree with her thinking, but it is certainly food for thought. On Being Manipulated Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Leadership skills: Starting out

Rita Watson — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 18:11:18 +0000
Hi, I'm Rita: Why is my first blog posting about leaderships skills? Simply put, because my communications guru is thinking of going for his MBA. He is also trying to teach me to blog and promises that if I don't start organizing my material, he will simply take items from my books and post them. Here is one of the postings. And I hope that I develop the knack and the time. Thanks, Ferol. / R Developmental goals benefit the manager and team members because of the inherent motivational nature of striving towards a positive outcome. Goals improve team chemistry by reducing team conflicts and increasing satisfaction of relationships between manager and team members. Developmental goals enable team members to identify skills or behaviors that need improvement, or which must be acquired. Goal setting facilitates a team member to take a realistic inventory of his or her skills and performance. A person skilled at Goal-Setting is one who:

Defines a realistic goal for the team by first mutually agreeing upon the goal itself.

Agrees upon a timeline with the rest of the team.

Comes to a mutual understanding regarding the goal and its importance to the team.

Is clear on expectations, both verbally and in writing.

Creates periodic progress checks to help improve the focus of the team on immediate issues and long-term goals.

Understands how the timeline will challenge a team member to stretch his or her abilities, but remain within his or her range of competencies.

Is knowledgeable of the individual's performance level.

Evaluates personal performance through observations of the individual's work, contributions, interpersonal skills, and feedback.

Provides the necessary support and resources needed to achieve the goal.

Keeps lines of communication open throughout the process

Maintains regular contact with the team members through progress checks.

Assesses individual's work, contributions, interpersonal skills.

Translates motivation into concrete goals

Helps to eliminate unnecessary confusion and misunderstandings

Understands and emphasizes the value of timelines.

Encourages high-quality performance.

Sets "realistic" goals and "reach" goals.

Makes an effort to deliver in advance of deadlines.

Addresses ways to overcome potential obstacles.

Teaches the value of decision-making

Adapted by Ferol, our MBA on Campus, Copyright 2007 Watson

THE TACT Strategies

Rita Watson — Fri, 05 Jan 2007 19:15:40 +0000
The TACT Strategies are a registered trademark Twenty Winning Decision-Making Strategies 1.    TAKE A MINUTE 2.    Guard against immediate reactions to situations 3.    Learn to say no, or "I can't give you an answer at this time." 4.    Watch your words 5.    Have the courage to sleep on your thoughts 6.    ASSESS THE SITUATION 7.    Gather information from all sources 8.    Make a pros and cons checklist 9.    Understand your personal feelings 10.    Review against past decisions before deciding 11.    CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVES 12.    Generate options and alternatives creatively 13.    Review the consequences for yourself and others 14.    Examine how difficult your decision will be to implement 15.    Develop a back up plan 16.    TAKE A STAND AND FOLLOW THROUGH 17.    Make sure your stance is clearly known 18.    Do not underestimate strategies and timing aimed at success 19.    Be willing to negotiate a win-win situation 20.    Proceed with confidence and evaluate the outcome From The Art of Decision Making by Rita E. Watson, Lowell House Copyright 1994 Rita E. Watson

Listening for Love

Rita Watson — Fri, 12 Jan 2007 19:36:32 +0000
When you are out there listening to music, remember to take some quiet time to listen for love. We often need to make a change in our lives in order to give ourselves permission to love, and to clear our heads so that we can hear – love. What does love sound like? It is a still small voice in our heart that comes with contentment, and a feeling that you know is just right. As you look at the August moon and promise yourself to make some changes in your life. Dare to do something out of character. Free yourself of those funny feelings inside – feelings of anxiety, or worry. Take a stand on clearing the path for love. Here is how.

Tell someone how you really feel about a relationship.

Let go of worn out friendships and relationships.

Break old patterns that really hinder your happiness.

Take a chance on an out of character relationship.

Make a change – change something – your hair, your furniture, the way your office is set up. Do something so you can see yourself differently.

Take yourself yourself less seriously.

Be more forgiving or yourself.

Be more forgiving of others without losing your sense of self or your values.

Laugh at yourself and who you really are by accepting yourself

Copyright 2007 Watson

Words that Harm, Words that Heal

Rita Watson — Mon, 15 Jan 2007 20:01:06 +0000
The Providence Journal Rita Watson: Words that harm, words that heal 01:00 AM EDT on Monday, October 2, 2006 I WORRY about children in this new school year. Teachers hold in their hands the power to affect a child's image, for better or worse. For all the times I smile when my sons talk about their "best teacher," I still tremble when I think of the sadness surrounding a little girl in another classroom. She had forgotten to bring a gift on Secret Santa Day. I still imagine her alone, watching other children open presents. For her, there was no present -- just hurt and perhaps anger. Why? The teacher essentially said, "No present, no party." Despite what children learn at home, it is at school, under the microscope of teacher and peers, that they form opinions about themselves. Today education is more than just the basics; it is also about critical thinking, socialization, and life skills. At Yale we taught coping skills to teenage mothers as a way to deflect anger, use words kindly, make decisions, and see problems from another person's perspective. Although I wish that coping skills were a part of every curriculum, as class size expands, children are mainstreamed, and new education theories are promulgated, can I expect teachers to be superheroes who will remember the power of their words? When I was at Hunter College, in New York City, a professor admonished me in class: "Young lady, never teach beyond the second-grade level. There you will do the least damage to the English language." It happened that another professor rescued my damaged ego and steered me into journalism. Curious about creativity, I asked Art Prof. Lynn Curtis, at Providence College, how she handles "talent." She said, "Every student in an art class has a gift. It is our job to let them express their potential." At my daughter-in-law's recent graduation from Bridgewater (Mass.) State College, I began wondering if academia had embraced the positive-word concept while training teachers. Twenty years ago, Kenneth Blanchard's book “The One Minute Manager” spawned a theory of productivity still being replicated: public praise and private criticism. I began asking professors their opinions about teaching teachers, and if they had been schooled in constructive criticism. Finally I turned to my education guru in Chicago. She sent me two articles. The first, "The Neuroscience of Leadership," by David Rock and Jeffrey Schwartz, points out positive ways to bring about change: "Leave problem behaviors in the past; focus on identifying and creating new behaviors." Ask thoughtful questions, rather than dictating advice. I loved it: solution-focused questioning -- documentation that "How many times have I told you?" does not work. The second article, about education theory, was over my head, but the piece contained a vignette in which an inner-city teacher challenged a student outcast using solution-focused questioning. By recognizing the student's individuality, the teacher turned a withdrawn, "hiding" student into an animated participant. In this serendipitous world, the author of that article, John-Michael Bodi, an assistant professor of education, is director of the Master's Core Program at Bridgewater State College. I decided to ask him if I could teach "Earth Mother 101: Words That Harm, Words That Heal," based on effective business models and years of motherhood. In our society, parents, spouses, others in relationships, and, yes, even teachers forget the harm of sharp, angry words. But instead I asked Dr. Bodi about the philosophy of teaching teachers. His realistic response: "We can teach from books. We can teach with our words. Most powerfully, we teach by example." Courses on kindness may not be in the cards at universities preparing the next generation of teachers. But for the sake of our children, and my grandchildren, a professor educating future teachers might repeat daily a message that harks back to Proverbs: "A gentle word is the tree of life." Rita Watson is director of education for a medical project and senior editor for an on-line medical magazine.

The Happy Holiday Paradox: A Different Valentine’s Day

Rita Watson — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 19:00:47 +0000
The holidays, from Christmas to Valentine’s Day are supposed to be happy time. We are supposed to be cheerful. We are supposed to be partying and shopping. We are supposed to be enjoying every last minute of what many singles consider to be both the happiest and saddest day of the year – Valentine’s Day. If you are single and searching, the holidays can be a real downer. But you can change all that! You can take control of Valentine’s Day right now, and turn it into something special without a date, without a mate, without the perfect partner. How? Take charge of the day. Begin now. 1. Make reservations at an extravagant restaurant. Is there a man or woman in your life whom you would like to date, but don't dare ask? This is the time to take the chance with a suggestion that you dine out lavishly. What have you got to lose? If he or she says "no" then use the evening to treat yourself and your best friend to a fabulous supper. Pay for it for both of you. Create the memory for yourself. You're worth it. 2. Find the best tasting cappuccino in town. Then invite someone whom you have been meaning to get together with to join you. Set a definite time and date. Perhaps this is an opportunity to forget a past hurt and mend a fence. 3. Create a "pot luck present party" for a hospital or social service organization. Have everyone bring a favorite dish and an appropriate gift for an adult or child. 4. Plan an "out of character" event maybe two or three, that will give you a loving spirit. Serve a meal at a shelter. Bring gifts to an eldercare center. Sign up to volunteer for at least six month as a love gift to an organization that needs your help. Copyright 2007 Watson

His and Her Movies: Make a Decision to Compromise

Rita Watson — Mon, 05 Feb 2007 18:53:23 +0000
We know that when it comes to movies, that the sexes pretty much pair off. She likes romance and he likes adventure. Sorry if you disagree with me. I checked with the top movie poster mogul in Sante Fe on this one. He does tell us, however, that the all time best selling posters on college campuses fall into the classic romance category. Although as a group the men chose Quentin Tarantino as their favorite director -- they loved Pulp Fiction -- both young men and women alike -- when it came to choosing Romance -- found these to be their all time favorites: *Casablanca *African Queen *Room with a View *Gone with the Wind *Enchanted April *When Harry Met Sally *Sleepless in Seattle But the problem here is that on a regular basis, these movies are not around on a monthly basis. So what do you do when HE wants violence and SHE wants love? 1. Alternate take turns each week or month seeing a movie favorite of your partner. 2. If you hate the movie, make a note of why and then try to use it as a topic of conversation afterwards. Have some concrete opinions. 3. Decide what the movie tells you about your partner? 4. Find out how much or how little your partner is willing to compromise. 5. Most importantly -- lighten up. Don't sit and sulk through a movie that you hate or be critical of your partner's choice. Instead use the situation as a conversational way to come to know your partner a little bit better. from article by Rita Watson, Copyright 2005 Watson

Interpersonal Skills - Giving and Getting Good Feedback

Rita Watson — Fri, 09 Feb 2007 18:24:37 +0000
Feedback can come through surveys, through meetings, through one on one discussion. To receive valid feedback, it is important to develop a climate of trust. This facilitates open and honest responses. A person skilled at Feedback is one who:

Develops a climate of trust.

Meets on a one-to-one basis.

Is direct and not judgmental.

Is timely and specific with feedback.

Provides verifiable examples on where a person excels and where he/she can improve.

Is generous with praise when praise is appropriate.

Tempers negative comments with constructive recognition of strengths.

Allows the person receiving feedback to respond.

Identifies strengths in others.

Offers suggestions for improvement

Initiates objective review process.

Is willing to seek feedback from others.

Explains evaluations regarding stated goals.

Determines steps needed for improvements.

Suggests alternative approaches.

Is clear about expectations.

Congratulates those who excel.

Points out areas where improvement is needed.

Provides check-points for monitoring a plan for improvement.

Encourages team feedback.

Adapted by Ferol our MBA on Campus from article by Rita Watson, Copyright 2007 Watson

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Rita Watson — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 14:38:06 +0000
It happens to all of us all too often. You meet someone and you think you have each been touched by the same star. Then what started as love turns into an annoyance, sometimes anger, sometimes hate. Sometimes there is just a feeling of being controlled. Sometimes it is a sadness. And many times a relationship ends because two people seem to be moving in different directions. Some women cannot face the reality of talking to someone with whom they are ending a relationship and may send a break-up letter or email. Sometimes a man not wanting to hurt a woman will lead her on indefinitely. One woman we know of went out with a man for one entire year and during that time he always received a 7 AM and 11 PM phone call that he didn’t answer. He claimed it was his answering service. It seems that he never had the heart to tell his former girlfriend that he had found someone else. He convinced the jilted woman that he was traveling. When he got caller ID and his current girlfriend saw the name of his 11 PM caller -- a looking for love well-established surgeon -- she left him.   So you are never too smart to be stupid about a relationship.

Before saying anything at all, write out the pros and cons of the relationship.

Write out the 5 qualities about the other person that helped you to fall in love.

Write out at least 2 things that brought the two of you joy.

In a completely rational way ask yourself, “If he or she were breaking up with me, what are the words that I would want to hear. Start from a positive position – “We have shared happy times together.”

State the reality – “Something is not working between us.”

Express your need – “I need to move on.”

Be willing to listen, calmly, to the other person’s reaction.

Decide in advance not to argue.

Acknowledge how difficult is it to say the words, “It is over.”

Be firm. “I am not telling you this so that you will change, or do things differently. I am telling you this because I feel this is the end of the road.”

Decide how to answer the other person when he or she says, “Couldn’t we give it another try?   Can we go to counseling together? Is there someone else?”

Be honest. State what you feel, but do so kindly thinking about the person’s positive qualities.

“If a person asks if there is someone else, decide if you should say, “This is not about another person, but about us. We are not working.” OR if there is another person, how quickly you should tell the truth.

Remind yourself that if there is someone else, the longer you keep that fact from the other person, the longer it will take that person to heal. “When they know the truth, the truth will set them free.”

Be aware enough of your partner to know if he or she is the type who will benefit from you dragging out the good-by or performing radical surgery – that is, “It’s over.”

Understand the consequences of a prolonged “Good-by.” It opens the door for one party doing a guilt trip on the other. It opens the door to manipulation. It opens the door the Pity Party in which the hurt party goes into “victim” mode. How can you do this to me?

Understand the hurt and anger the other person is going through.

Put a stop to answering harassing emails and phone calls – firmly, but kindly.

Reassure the other person that he or she is someone with whom you have shared a great deal of joy, but now it is time to move on.

Deciding how to say “It’s over.” Copyright 2007 Watson

Coaching Tips For Managers

Rita Watson — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 18:17:37 +0000

Set up weekly or defined meeting times to evaluate project efficacy.

Delegate to others the responsibility for keeping a project on tract.

If project is running behind schedule, inform the client and offer assurances that the situation is being remedied.

Always keep time to evaluate what is expected in advance.

Helping Others

Rita Watson — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 18:20:52 +0000
A person skilled at Helping Others is one who will make the effort to:

Contact others regarding potential decisions.

Inform others of his/her stand on decisions.

Asks for feedback within a time frame.

Takes others' needs into consideration.

Is clear about the reasoning behind decisions.

Asks for input from those who would be affected by decisions.

Knows the corporate goals and objectives when assessing how to help others.

Sets reach goals to help employees achieve their highest potential.

Consults with managers and fellow staff to confirm that s/he are on the right track with your actions.

Seeks others outside of his/her department to teach him/her aspects of their job in order to help them out with a task of theirs.

Reaches out to newer members of the institution and becomes their mentor.

Adapted by Ferol, our MBA on Campus, Copyright 2007 Watson

Client Relationships and the Deliverable

Rita Watson — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 18:22:00 +0000
Deliverables are the products given to clients based on an agreed upon timeline. The expectation is: on time and on budget. To develop the "deliverable skill" you will be someone who:

Makes certain that expectations are clearly defined to all persons involved.

Establishes issues with the timeline early on.

Resolves issues with timelines by seeking feedback from the team and from the client.

Seeks out advice on how to make deliverables manageable.

Keeps informed of possible hindrances in the process, obstacles that can obstruct the way.

Reevaluates halfway through a project to ensure it is on track and within expected parameters.

Adapted by Ferol, our MBA on campus, Copyright 2007 Watson

Values - Loyalty

Rita Watson — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 18:22:33 +0000
Loyalty is the commitment that individuals exhibit towards the goals within a company or academic institution. From an ethical perspective, the first loyalty would be in maintaining one's own ethical principals while carrying forth the academic or corporate mission. One shows loyalty if he or she:

Demonstrates a commitment to others.

Works in a collaborative and inclusive fashion.

Builds shared vision and common goals.

Effectively manages academic and corporate relationships.

Achieves results he or she is committed to accomplish.

Speaks respectfully of employees and employers and the institution.

Maintains a positive attitude.

Helps build morale.

Shares vision with others.

Treats others with respect.

Can be trusted for honest feedback.

Creates a climate of trust.

Respects the bottom line.

Generates a system to reward those who excel.

Seeks input regarding ways to build loyalty.

Is careful of and respectful of boundries paraticularly with respect to students and employees.

Adapted by Ferol, our MBA on campus, Copyright 2007 Watson

Business Decision Skills - Decision Making

Rita Watson — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 18:46:17 +0000
Decision-making is about choices. It is making reasonable determinations about strategies, processes, and professional judgments. Very often with decision-making one is presented with differing and sometimes competing alternatives. Sometimes decision-making involves taking a risk. As such, a wise decision-maker goes through a process that involves evaluating the pros and cons. Decision-making skills are vital in all phases of business from interpersonal skills to product development and deliverables to clients. A person skilled at Decision-Making is one who:

Generates options and alternatives to address problems and opportunities.

Brainstorms.

Take the time to think through the consequences of decisions.

Writes out options.

Chooses appropriate actions with consideration for implications and consequences.

Commits to action by taking a firm stand on decisions without wasting time.

Inform others of decisions and actions taken.

Takes initiative to re-establish priorities if necessary.

Knows which information is appropriate to share with employees.

Generates alternative thinking.

Understands means-end thinking.

Evaluates time lines to know when to re-adjust.

Acts thoughtfully with regard to decisions.

Knows when to say "no."

Evaluates different perspectives.

Thinks through consequences.

Guards against "instant" decisions.

Knows how use a step-by-step approach to decision-making.

Enlists advice of colleagues.

Has plan in place to avoid crisis decision-making.

Adapted by Ferol our MBA on Campus, Copyright 2007 Watson

Leadership Skills - Delegating

Rita Watson — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 18:48:57 +0000
One of the first rules in delegating is to assess the commitment of those to whom you are delegating responsibility. The most critical consequence of ineffective delegating is the need for damage control if the projects are not carried out effectively. You will become skilled at delegating if you:

Coordinate with others who are as invested in your goals as you are.

Convey priorities clearly.

Articulates what is expected.

Reinforces expectations through follow-up, written memos.

Keeps an up-to-date list of delegated tasks.

Requests others to report on progress.

Updates "to do" lists of those completing tasks pre-deadline.

Perseveres and is persistent to avoid deadline dilemmas.

Re-evaluates mid-way through timeline.

Is willing to re-establish a priority if this becomes necessary.

Ensures that others are not falling behind in their tasks.

Looks for incentives to promote productivity and follow-through.

Is clear on expectations, both verbally and in writing.

Avoids deadline dilemmas.

Stresses the need for follow-through.

Acts decisively.

Generates solutions when delegated tasks fall behind.

Knows how to enlist colleagues help when facing a crisis.

Prepares interim reports for team members.

Respects those to whom work has been delegated.

Adapted by Ferol, our MBA on campus, Copyright 2007 Watson

Defining Expectations for Your Team

Rita Watson — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 18:52:22 +0000
To convey expectations, requires the ability to state what you mean, follow-through with written memos or directives, re-define if there is an ambiguity, and set a new standard. There are times when a situation seems so clear cut that we fail to communicate our expectations, because in our mind, it is obvious. You can become skilled at Defining Expectations if you are someone who:

Sends an agenda to meeting participants to ensure they know what is to be addressed.

If you receive feedback that necessitates a change in the agenda, inform those involved as soon as possible.

Set a goal that clearly defines for you and your staff what you expect to accomplish at the meeting.

Devise an action plan to solicit feedback.

Use meetings as a place for the give and take of ideas.

Be certain you are clear on the purpose of the meeting.

Determine what it is you want to know, learn, or accomplish by attending the meeting.

Prepare a list of questions that will help you focus on the meeting.

Value your own ideas and thoughts sufficiently to present them to the team.

Delegate to others the responsibility for keeping a project on tract.

If project is running behind schedule, inform the client and offer assurances that the situation is being remedied.

Always keep time to evaluate what is expected in advance.

Keep abreast of your deadlines.

Remind yourself of the steps to a project and review them frequently.

Meet with other team members to determine ways to keep a project on tract.

Review product quality so clients receive what is expected.

If a deadline is slipping because of lack of client feedback, document and take immediate steps to remedy the situation.

Remains aware of the accomplishments of those on your team.

Gets in the habit of sending e-mails or making a phone call to say "Thank you," or "Congratulations."

Is specific, not effusive, in your praise. · Points out exactly what it was that he or she accomplished and what aspect of that accomplishment most impressed you.

Uses examples with your staff of other team members who have made significant strides in their work.

Is careful when praising one member that the same member is not always singled out.

Shows appreciation by recognizing when a team member does a good job and indicates this specifically.

Encourages peers to go the extra mile and do so yourself.

Relies on others to compliment you, but make sure your good deed does not go unnoticed.

Adapted by Ferol our MBA on Campus, Copyright 2007 Watson

Tips for Safe Medical Travel

Rita Watson — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 19:18:02 +0000
When traveling to major cities, there are pharmacies and shops that carry general over the counter medications. However, many are not the same as those you find in the states. So when you travel abroad, make the decision to be safe.

Take enough medication for at least one month of travel.

Decide to spend the extra money, even if your insurance will not pay for extra medication.

Always carry two sets of medication with you.

Pack them separately, one in your carry-on and one set either in your luggage or in the hands of a travel companion.

Make a list of all the medications you are taking with you.

Write down what the medications are for and when they should be taken. (People often report confusion when there are time differences that exceed 4 hours.)

Keep all medications in their original bottles.

Make a list of your medical conditions.

Write the names and phone numbers of your local physicians.

Contact your physicians two weeks before traveling to see if they wish to prescribe a special medication.

Ask your local physicians if they have contacts with physicians and or hospitals where you are traveling, particularly if you have a chronic condition.

Get information about the temperature, climate, and altitude as these might affect you.

Overseas travel insurance sometimes needs to be supplemented. These policies are often relatively inexpensive and can pick up where your own insurance leaves off.

Check with your own insurance company to find out the rules of foreign travel.

Ask your insurance company for a phone number so that you may contact them in case a question about hospitalization arises. Make certain that the number is not an 800 number, which sometimes will not work from foreign countries.

Carry a medical pack. (See tips for a customized kit.)

Carry your own sugar substitutes, particularly if you are diabetic.

If you have sensitive skin, bring at least one of your own cotton pillowcases, sheet or towels.

Bring a soap that you know will not irritate your skin.

Never go barefoot in a hotel room or hotel bath.

Take extra glasses or contact lens.

If you need supplemental oxygen, contact your insurance company beforehand. Often the company will pay if you notify them in advance.

If you think you need wheelchair access, check with airlines, hotels, museums, and restaurants.

If you are not feeling well, decide to stay at home and reschedule the trip. Phone your doctor and with a medical note most airlines and hotels will refund your money.

Make certain your immunizations are up to date.

Check websites of the Centers for Disease Control to determine if there are infectious diseases that you should be concerned about. Take proper precautions.

Bring bottled water.

Bring surgical masks, inexpensive ones will do, if you are traveling to cities with a high pollution content or infectious diseases such as TB or SARS.

When the plan is ascending or descending – chew gum to keep your ears from popping.

Decide to enjoy the trip by leaving your worries behind.

Copyright 2007 Watson

Medical Travel Kits

Rita Watson — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 19:19:19 +0000
When you are traveling, prepare your own medical kit either purchase items individually or you can get prepackaged Medical Travel Kits. The advantage to packing you own is that if there are types of materials for which you might have an allergic reaction, you will be able to circumvent the problem. When preparing a travel kit, make the decision to let it meet all minor emergencies:

Band-aids

Gauze packs

Gauze wrap

Tape that is safe for the skin

Alcohol wipes

Iodine wipes

Peroxide or first aid gel

ACE bandages

Neosporin

Benedryl

Hydrocortisone cream

Immodium

Kaopectate

Insect repellant

Tylanol for fever

Ibuprophen for muscle aches and cramps

Peptides for indigestion

Cough syrup

Antibiotics if you are prone to infection

Extra tissues if you are prone to nosebleeds

Copyright 2007 Watson

Deciding to Chart Your Own Medical History

Rita Watson — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 19:21:25 +0000
Because we travel often, and our family doctor has gone by way of the HMO, it is important to know your own medical history. Make the decision to take the time to find out about yourself. A medical chart should be easy to read and easy to update. Items that are important include:

Date

Name

Age

Family history

Father, age today, health status, if deceased – age and cause of death

Mother, age today, health status, if deceased – age and cause of death

Brothers, age and health status

Sisters, age and health status

Family illness: alcoholism, allergies, arthritic conditions, cancer, health disease, lung disease, mental illness, other

Personal habits:

Alcohol

Drugs

Coffee

Cigarettes

Social status

Number of children if any

Occupations, past and present

Environmental exposures

Acute infections; ie chicken pox, measles, mumps, others

Allergies: asthma, drugs, mold, hay fever, hives

Blood type

Blood count

Surgery    type and date

Injuries    type and date

x-ray treatments

Immunizations

Headaches

Eyes: infections or glaucoma

Ears: infections or difficulty hearing

Nose: bleeding, congestion, chronic sinus infections

Mouth and throat: chronic hoarseness, sore throats

Respiratory system: bronchitis, pneumonia, TB

Vascular system: leg injuries, leg pains, varicose veins, phlebitis

Stomach and intestines: Bleeding ulcers, diarrhea, constipation, food intolerance, gas, chronic indigestion,

Heart: chest pains, shortness of breath, high blood pressure, swelling of feet

Cholesterol count

Blood pressure count

Urinary system difficulties

Skin: cysts, infections, cancer

Additional information

Adapted from New Choices, New Chances by Rita Watson, Copyright 2007 Rita Watson

Before Taking a New Job

Rita Watson — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 19:32:30 +0000

Determine the general reputation of the business.

If it is a small business, ask people whom you know.

If it is a large company, check out their website.

Go to your local or national newspapers to see what types of articles are written about the company.

Ask to see a copy of their annual report.

Ask people whom you know if they know anyone who is or was working with the company. If so, try to get an honest appraisal.

Ask about the company policies regarding days off, vacation time, sick time, medical and dental benefits.

Ask about the employee turnover rate.

Stop by the company as people are leaving work and take a look at the expressions on their faces.

If there is a local coffee shop where employees congregate, stop by before accepting the position. You will learn a lot from their smiles or frowns.

Before you accept the position be certain you have a letter clarifying your responsibilities.

If you do not receive a letter, send one yourself.

Clarification letters should be friendly and positive outlining your expectations.

Ask about the training period or if you will be expected to learn on the job.

Find out if you will be working independently or with a team.

If you are part of a team, try to find out what happened to the person who you will be replacing.

If you will be working independently, be certain you meet the person to whom you will be reporting.

Ask if there are weekly meetings with your supervisor or manager.

Find out how long the person to whom you are reporting has been in the organization.

If he or she has been there less than six months, ask what their goals are and their expectations for you.

Ask what is considered success.

Determine how you are evaluated, through one on one or through multi-rater 360 computerized system.

Make a list of your own expectations.

Ask about promotion policies, bonuses, and raises.

Make a realistic assessment as to how long it will take you to get to work and home again each day.

If you need day care services, find out which ones are available.

Ask to see your workspace.

If it is a shared space, ask yourself if it meets your needs in terms of cleanliness, neatness, workability.

Find out if you will have the necessary equipment to do the job whether it is a computer or a broom.

Ask yourself – is this the type of company where I would like to spend eight hours or more per day.

Adapted from The Art of Decision Making Copyright 2007 Watson

Rita Watson Bio

Rita Watson — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 19:52:34 +0000

Rita Watson Rita Watson is a writer, editor, and policy specialist. In addition to this syndicated blog, she and a colleague, Atlanta-based attorney KJ Collins, are the recent co-founders of GreenLegals.com She has been a guest on numerous radio and television programs, including two appearances on the NBC Today Show, began her career at The New York Times. Today she is a daily syndicated blogger, a monthly Sunday editorial page columnist for The Providence Journal -- writing about relationships -- an associate fellow at Yale's Ezra Stiles College and an editorial consultant for special projects at NOVA ScienceNow, PBS. Yale years: During her 10 years with The Times, she also attended Yale where she received her MPH from the School of Medicine, Department of Epidemiology and Public Health, and remained at Yale as a public policy advocate for children and families. She was Spokesperson for child care legislation through Yale's Bush Center in Child Development and Social Policy and later Director of Policy and Education for the Department of Psychiatry. There she worked on issues of family health, housing, child care, as well as media and community relations through their Substance Abuse Treatment Unit. At Yale, she was also a lecturer for the School of Management and edited Yale's first book for the department: Cases in Health Policy and Management. She also taught grant writing for the Fogarty International Scholars Program and served as the Bass Writing Tutor at Ezra Stiles. Rita Watson has been an associate fellow of Yale's Ezra Stiles College since 1989. Here is the 2008 Commencement photo with 2009 photos to be posted shortly. Paul McCartney, Rita, Dr Ruth ‘She Loves Me’ Photo and her story of Yale Commencement and Paul Newman. Paul Newman: He Introduced Himself to Me as “Paul” Landmark legislation: Ms. Watson was one of the architects of landmark state legislation that provided for childcare services at treatment centers and a continuum of care model that was adapted nationally. She was a member of the State Commission on Children and was the only State appointee to the special North American Commission for the Child Welfare League of America. Through her work at Yale she worked with many Connecticut legislators including Senator Chris Dodd and Governor Lowell P. Weicker, Jr. to set policies for children and families. The TACT® Strategies: Designer of The TACT® Strategies, she has taught decision-making and coping skills to men and women in business in high stress positions. These are discussed more fully in two of her books: Sisterhood Betrayed and The Art of Decision-Making. Consortium of Harvard teaching hospitals: Ms. Watson was Director of Communications and manager of the Annual Briefing event from December 2002 to August 2006 for CIMIT, Center for the Integration of Medicine and Innovative Technologies, a multidisciplinary collaborative of leading Harvard teaching hospitals with industry and government, where she set up the first media office that resulted in national coverage. The group focused on biodefense, nanotechnology, neurotechnology, simulation, and tissue engineering. Through this group she handled press relations for a Biodefense Initiative with the State Department. She left to join an award winning on-line medical magazine and become Senior Editor of www.epilepsy.com and Director of Education for their parent group. Epilepsy.com,, with its 200,000 unique visitors and one million page views per month, is approximately 6,000 pages deep. They were the 2007 recipients of the Silver E-Healthcare Award. World Affairs Council of Rhode Island: In Providence Ms. Watson is the Policy Director on the Board of Directors for the World Affairs Council of Rhode Island. She is also a member of the Providence Committee on Foreign Relations.

Rita Watson’s Published Books: — Reaching In, Reaching Out: Treating HIV/AIDS in the Correctional Community, editors: Frederick Altice, MD, Peter Selywn, MD, MPH, and Rita Watson, MPH; NCCHC and Kaiser Family Foundation, 2002. A policy guide outlining treatment in prison as a practical community approach — A Serenity Journal, Rita Esposito Watson, Paulist Press, December 2000, A simple guide to a peaceful day A Serenity Journal — The Art of Decision-Making, Rita E Watson, Lowell House, Los Angeles, 1994; Professional to personal decision-making based on The TACT® Strategies — Sisterhood Betrayed: Women in the Workplace, Jill Barber and Rita E. Watson, St. Martin’s Press, New York, 1990; Professional working relationships between men and women — Cases in Health Policy and Management, Yale University, editors, Richard Smithy and Rita E. Watson, Richard D. Irwin Press, Homewood, Ill, 1985; Case studies in health care management and the DRGs — New Choices, New Chances, A Woman’s Guide to Conquering Cancer, Rita Esposito Watson and Robert C. Wallach, MD, St. Martin’s Press, New York, 1983; A lay person’s guide very favorably reviewed in the New England Journal of Medicine Here is what they are saying about: "A Serenity Journal: 52 Weeks of Prayer and Gratitude" by Rita Esposito Watson, www.amazon.com No matter where you are on your spiritual path -- a clear, elegant guide for beginner and veteran alike. -- Jac Campbell, CSP, International Director of Landings In a hectic world, this is a simple guide to some serenity. -- William Carely, the Wall Street Journal Finally, a journal for those who are busy and searching for serenity. A beautiful way to refresh your soul. Rita Watson teaches us to nurture our souls in five minutes a day. -- Rose Offner, author of Journal of the Soul" Serenity and gratitude may well be the added benefit to medicine and science. This book shows how to attain it. -- Frederick Altice,MD, Yale School of Medicine, Recipient of the 1999 Young Investigator Award from National Institutes of Health This amazing little book tells you how to get started on the road to serenity and the life you always wanted but eluded you before. -- Lorraine Dusky, author, Still Unequal: The Shameful Truth about Women and Justice in America Rita Watson provides a practical way to live at peace with the inner self, effective both for the active, productive individual as well as for those suffering with significant emotional or physical disability. -- E. James Stanley, MD, Department of Psychiatry, University of California, Irvine EARLY BEGINNINGS The website came about through the efforts of Ferol Vernon, my Communicators Associate at CIMIT. While he has left for graduate school at Duke for an MBA and pursuing entrepreneurial projects, this reflects our early beginnings. Rita Watson, decision maker, relationship columnist at The Providence Journal, and author has been writing and speaking about Decision Making throughout her career at Yale and The New York Times. You can read her books and articles, or simply click through this blog to find tips that are most helpful to you. Let her help you get through difficult decisions. Her insightful advice will set you thinking about the different aspects of the decisions you face each day. She is the designer of The TACT® Strategies, a coping skills tool for effective decision making. You may have seen her talk about her work on the NBC Today Show or a host of news shows. Her book “The Art of Decision Making” was based on a model she taught for special projects at Yale University. Now this simple strategy: Take a Minute, Assess the Situation, Consider the alternatives, and Take a stand (TACT) can help you become a more confident and effective decision maker. / by Ferol Vernon, MBA on Campus Ferol Vernon, a Communications specialist, turned MBA, worked with me at a consortium of Harvard Teaching Hospitals where I served as Director of Communications. He later became a Business Development Strategist for a group within our organization that was spearheading innovative technology to protect our soldiers. He started his own company in 2005 after realizing that smaller businesses and non-profits had nowhere to turn for their marketing and communications needs. Deeply interested in web visibility and the future of communications online, Ferol believes there is no better way to start a campaign than on the Internet. A graduate of Boston University in 2002, he is interested podcasting, running and entrepreneurial projects. When he knew that his goal was to attend Duke University for his MBA, he took it upon himself to set up this blog so that we might continue to exchange ideas and help others in the process. / by Rita Watson -- Mother, Writer, Incurable Romantic, and Columnist

Relationship Columns

Rita Watson — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 21:00:23 +0000
As an incurable romantic, I have been writing about issues of the heart forever -- from my days at The New York Times and at Yale's Department of Psychiatry. Now, while still an Associate Fellow at Yale's Ezra Stiles College, I am broadening the focus of my relationship columns. All titles are LINKS:
Rita Watson: Infidelity, meet sex addiction March 7, 2010
Rita Watson, Infidelity meet sex addiction, World News Networks Rita Watson: Technology marches on in the bedroom Feb 14, 2010 - World News Network, Rita_Watson_Technology_marches_on_in_the_bedroom Rita Watson: A new medical relationship: Physicians, healers, and botanicals Jan 03, 2010 - Rita Watson: A new medical relationship: Physicians, healers, botanicals. 01:00 AM EST on Sunday, January 3, 2010. By RITA WATSON. BOSTON. ... Rita Watson: The exploding world of soft porn for women Dec 06, 2009 - Rita Watson: The exploding world of soft porn for women. ... Rita Watson is a monthly contributor and editor of GreenLegals.com and RitaWatson Relationships.com. Rita Watson: Women’s weight and romance Nov 01, 2009 - Rita Watson: Women’s weight and romance. 01:00 AM EDT on Sunday, November 1, 2009. By RITA WATSON. When Glamour magazine featured ... Rita Watson: Trying to hammer out happiness Oct 04, 2009 - Rita Watson: Trying to hammer out happiness. ... Rita Watson, a monthly contributor, is editor of www.GreenLegals.com and www.RitaWatson.com. Madoff's Mistress, Marijuana, and Love Addiction Sunday, September 6, 2009, Providence Journal World News Network/ Rita Watson: Madoffs mistress marijuana and love addiction Politics, Sex, and Scandal Sunday, July 5, 2009, Providence Journal    Rita Watson: World News Network, Politics, Sex, and Scandal Our Love Affair with Green Sunday June 7, 2009, Providence Journal   (Inspired GreenLegals.com) Looking for love from Wall Street to Main Street Sunday, May 3, 2009, Providence Journal Sinatra, my father, and memories good and bad, Sunday, April 5, 2009, Providence Journal Rita Watson, World News, Sinatra, my father "Condomania" can deter infectious love Sunday, March 1, 2009 (Providence Journal) World News Network, Condomania Privacy Paranoia: Dementia and Seizures, Sunday, February 1, 2009 and Rita Watson: World News Network: Privacy Paranoia: Dementia and Seizures At last, here’s how to train your husband, Sunday, January 3, 2009 and Rita Watson: World News Seeking Happiness: You Need Non-Pill Coping Skills, too Sunday, December 7th, 2008 and World NewsNetwork: /Rita_Watson Money Woes Make for Grumpy Couples, Sunday, November 3, 2008 Marrying their Mrs. Robinson (Cougar Love and Longevity), Sunday, October 5, 2008 Neuroimaging and Love Lies, Sunday, September 7, 2008 Cheating, chemo, commitment , Sunday, August 17, 2008, editorial, The Providence Journal Of DNA and Desire, Sunday, August 3, 2008 Heart flutter romance may soon be replaced by DNA dating and brain wave sex. New Rules for Open Marriage Sunday, July 6, 2008 Married but Cheating (online) Ask Dr. Ruth: Infidelity on the Rise (newspaper title, Sunday June 1, 2008) How To Predict Heart Attacks (online) Sexercise: Avoiding Heart Attack Begins with Gentle Word,(newspaper version) Sunday, May 4, 2008 Hormones, Spring Fever, and Sex Sunday, April 6, 2008 Money, Marriage, Sex and Secrets Sunday, March 2, 2008 Challenges for Returning Soldiers: Havoc with Heath and Relationships Sunday, February 3, 2008 Ways to Avoid Cell Phone Smashing (online) When Relationships End, a Tibetan Ritual for Healing (newspaper) (Jan 2008) Cars, Desire, and Joy (online)Try transdermal testosterone - Take time to cut holiday stress (newspaper) (Dec 2007) When sex trumps the king (Nov 2007) Sex and smiling seniors (Oct 2007) Sexual shutout in hidden agenda hell (Sept 2007) Overdrive in the passive-aggressive lane (Aug 2007) Heart and Flowers: Making Valentine’s Day, Children’s Day (Feb 2007) If it floats your boat / editorial (May 2007) Words that harm, words that heal October 2, 2006

New Beginnings

Rita Watson — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 03:31:15 +0000
My newest column for The Providence Journal is really about my wish for new beginnings and happy endings, in the face of evidence to the contrary. But it seemed as if the closer we came to the New Year, the more breaking up stories that I heard. It seemed that the anger would bubble over long after the champagne had gone flat. But a Tibetan thinking guru convinced me that the best advice that I might offer to couples comes from the belief that not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime. Nonetheless everyone should wish to celebrate the joy they shared while together and wish blessings to each as they move on. We will post the column in the morning.

Cell phone smashing: Endings, Beginnings, and the SAAB

Rita Watson — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 05:51:18 +0000
My newest column is called "Ways to Avoid Cell Phone Smashing" http://www.projo.com/opinion/contributors/content/CT_rita6_01-06-08_TV8F9Q9_v20.2b129a0.html but I might just as well have talked about why men should never park a new girl friend's Saab -- or any car for that matter --in their driveway. And if they do, they better have a good explanation or some very expensive bling -- diamonds or pearls. The column talks about breaking up, but it also points to ways that lovers might ultimately become friends, Jerry and Elaine style.
Yes, she really did step on his cell phone.Yes, the new Saab in his driveway really did tip her over the edge and she knocked the door in at 3 AM.Yes, people can transform a relationship.But NO, oftentimes men just do it as tactfully as they might. I wonder if all the DIAMONDS that end up on women's wrists in high society are the guilt gifts of husbands who have an occassional or regular night out with the women destined to become a trophy wife? And if that's the case, let him go so you can each find your true place, your true love.
Ways to avoid cell-phone smashing (AKA) Auld Lang Syne may be new love time

01:00 AM EST on Sunday, January 6, 2008 Providence Journal
RITA WATSON
RELATIONSHIPS that fizzle during the holidays often bubble over with anger long after the champagne has gone flat. What ever happened to the New Year sentiment about “old acquaintance”? Despite the blogs a-buzzing about December break-ups, I am an incurable romantic who wants to believe in happy endings and new beginnings, in the face of considerable contrary evidence.
A mother called on Christmas Eve after watching her son’s tearful young lady leave their home clinging to the present she had brought him. The 20-year-old explained: “I told her a month ago it wasn’t working out. I want to start the New Year with someone special.” Contrast this to the 45-year-old who spent the holidays vacationing with a woman whom he planned to leave after fulfilling their social obligations. Hopefully, he did not deliver his “goodbye” under the mistletoe or via text message after a night of passion. http://www.projo.com/opinion/contributors/content/CT_rita6_01-06-08_TV8F9Q9_v20.2b129a0.html

Words that Heal

Rita Watson — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 16:40:36 +0000
On October 2, 2006 for The Providence Journal www.projo.com, I wrote a piece called "Words that harm, words that heal."  It was before the start of the new school year and I am always concerned about the power that teachers hold in their hands, the power to affect a child's image, for better or worse. I am writing an excerpt of that article now because I believe in kind words and some readers have questioned my choice of authors in articles that I write.  I am so grateful to learn different perspectives and to hear from readers. However, sometimes a person who writes or speaks inspiring words becomes the subject of inquiry. I remember when the evangelist and healer Ruth Carter Stapleton came to Rye, New York and a group of young mothers encouraged me to join them to meet her. It was at that meeting that I met my closest long-time friend Gerissa. Ruth had powerful words that served us well as mothers. Later, she apparently attempted to convert Larry Flynt and was portrayed on film "The People vs. Larry Flynt." This created such a stir that many forgot her soothing words to us.   -> -> -> CONTINUED I will always remember her words and will continue to quote her even today. And I will be thrilled always that one of my children attended Trinity College that supported Habitat for Humanity. When President Jimmy Carter, Ruth's brother, gave the commencement address there, he brought young people to their feet cheering! As such, I want very much to be respectful of the true Tibetan tradition and those concerned about my references. If I quote someone whom I later learn is under scrutiny, I am sad for them and their followers. However, I must ask myself the question -- "If their words heal and are a source of comfort to others, can we at least accept the message?" Right now I am reading Deepak Chopra's "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" and I am reminded of the words that I will now attempt to live by: "Today I shall judge nothing that occurs." Here is an excerpt from:
"Words that harm, words that heal"
...Despite what children learn at home, it is at school, under the microscope of teacher and peers, that they form opinions about themselves. Today education is more than just the basics; it is also about critical thinking, socialization, and life skills. At Yale we taught coping skills to teenage mothers as a way to deflect anger, use words kindly, make decisions, and see problems from another person's perspective. Although I wish that coping skills were a part of every curriculum, as class size expands, children are mainstreamed, and new education theories are promulgated, can I expect teachers to be superheroes who will remember the power of their words? When I was at Hunter College, in New York City, a professor admonished me in class: "Young lady, never teach beyond the second-grade level. There you will do the least damage to the English language." It happened that another professor rescued my damaged ego and steered me into journalism. Curious about creativity, I asked Art Professor Lynn Curtis, at Providence College, how she handles "talent." She said, "Every student in an art class has a gift. It is our job to let them express their potential." At my daughter-in-law's recent graduation [from teacher’s college] …I began wondering if academia had embraced the positive-word concept while training teachers. Twenty years ago, Kenneth Blanchard's book “The One Minute Manager” spawned a theory of productivity still being replicated: public praise and private criticism. I began asking professors their opinions about teaching teachers, and if they had been schooled in constructive criticism.... ...I decided to ask a professor at Bridgewater State College if I could teach "Earth Mother 101: Words That Harm, Words That Heal," based on effective business models and years of motherhood. In our society, parents, spouses, others in relationships, and, yes, even teachers forget the harm of sharp, angry words. But instead I asked Dr. J. Michael Bodi about the philosophy of teaching teachers. His realistic response: "We can teach from books. We can teach with our words. Most powerfully, we teach by example." Courses on kindness may not be in the cards at universities preparing the next generation of teachers. But for the sake of our children, and my grandchildren, a professor educating future teachers might repeat daily a message that harks back to Proverbs: "A gentle word is the tree of life."

Men. Sex. Cars. Relationships

Rita Watson — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 08:12:05 +0000
This tells how my columns were conceived! But please read January 8 note on WORDS THAT HEAL. Decision Making Tips for Today:-- Remain calm. Look at both points of view. Think of the words from Deepak Chopra: "Today I will judge nothing that occurs." 11:11 AM EDT on Monday, August 20, 2007 Providence Journal
Overdrive in the passive-aggressive lane

by Rita Watson THE DISCUSSION was animated. Men. Sex. Cars. Relationships. Yet when I announced that I wanted to be the “Sex in the City for Men Only” columnist, right after our Bill and Monica debate, silence slammed into me. Finally the dear professor quizzed: “What do you know about the subject?” I calmly recounted that I’ve raised sons, spent years as one of the guys at The New York Times, plus 10 years in psychology and psychiatry at Yale. But I also realized that I can write about the subject because I can talk about it. Growing up in a working world of men, we talked often about relationships, generally after I made an analogy between cars and sex — without blushing. The next day, I would receive a phone call inviting me to lunch. We would begin with complaints about editors and deadlines. Then across the table I would see a slight turn of the head, clenched jaw, and hunched shoulders. He might even loosen his tie. Finally a lowered voice would say, “We are having this problem. . . .” Somehow, we could talk freely until we came too close to the real issue — sexual needs versus understanding. Then it was back to wishing for the luxury that eluded us in Manhattan, owning a car. Cars are a safe subject. Men will spend as many hours looking at car ads as women will spend reading “What Men Really Want in Bed.” Even magazines for men now tout “What Women Really Want in Bed.” Men may skim them but don’t take the messages seriously because there is little substance to the broad strokes of “He Wants, She Wants.” Car writers get right down to the details. For the adventuresome there are sports cars: from the Infiniti G37 at $35,000 to the Mercedes CLK63 Black Series at about $75,000. For a fantasy, there is the 2008 Ferrari F430 Scuderia at $220,000. Family men have choices ranging from the Chevy HHR to the heavy Scion XB wagon. Whether or not a man plans to buy a new car is irrelevant. The articles cover specifics. A man knows that what he reads, sees, test drives, and eventually buys is what he gets. When something goes wrong, he has the repair manual and a maintenance schedule. Relationships are not that clear-cut. Men so often say, “After we were married, something changed, mostly our sex life.” I would like to believe that as women we are not leopards changing our spots. Yet even Boston Legal featured Denny Crane learning that his fifth wife was planning on retiring him to Hawaii minutes after saying, “I do.” It would be ideal if the sexes could talk about expectations and perceptions. But it doesn’t happen that way. Perhaps men are just “wired” differently than women. When a man comes home from work, a woman may ask with sincerity, “How was your day?” But he doesn’t want to talk about it. Many women in offices are disillusioned with the workforce. Yet, they bring the office home with them and want to talk about conflicts, confrontations, and demands. Chances are he doesn’t want to hear about it, at least not immediately. Then the accusation comes at him: “You never talk to me.” As we shift into a 24/7 Blackberry, laptop and two-paycheck society, there are too many couples on overdrive moving into the passive-aggressive or snipe-at-each-other lane. When a car shows signs of stress, or needs a tune-up, men handle it immediately. There is a problem and men fix it. In a relationship, who is responsible for the tune up? Perhaps women should take the lead. Although men today are more involved in parenting and family than our fathers were, women have that sixth sense. Research at Yale indicates that women have so keen an intuition that they sense a relationship problem at its inception. If men and women could develop their intuitive skills and interpret the silences, downcast eyes, uncomfortable moments and body language, perhaps more relationships could be saved. Or should women be using their gift to cultivate non-judgmental spaces within the home? In an atmosphere with no hidden agendas, just simple clarity, both parties would benefit. When home is a sanctuary, men might find saying, “Can we talk?” is as easy as test driving a car. # # # (For a complete listing with links, please go to: RELATIONSHIP COLUMNS: PROJO)

Table Pounding “Whys” — the “Yes” trap

Rita Watson — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 05:01:26 +0000
Decision Making Tip of the Day: Say "Yes" when you mean "Yes" and say "No" when you mean "No" Thought of the Day: "Today I shall judge nothing that occurs." Deepak Chopra The Decision to Say, "No" Although we seem to think that it is “women only” who have a problem saying “no” there are just as many men out there who say “yes” when they really mean “no.” Why do we do it? Most often because we don’t want to hurt another person’s feelings. But who gets hurt in the end? It’s you! Make the decision now to remember the “Yes” traps. More...Whenever you find yourself pounding the table and asking yourself, “Why did I say ‘yes’ when I really meant ‘no’ write it down.

Write down how you feel after you said ‘yes’ instead of ‘no.’

Write down the name of the person whom you always feel that you cannot disappoint.

Replay scenarios. For example, a friend asked you to go to the movies, but you wanted to stay at home. Nonetheless, you were talked into it. Rehearse the word ‘no.’ Say it over and over again. Now pretend that same friend called, only this time, you have an answer, “No, I wish I could, but I can’t."

Learn to say, "I can't give you an answer at this time."

The Pleaser Trap How often do you find yourself in the “pleaser trap’? Think about how many times you have said, “Sure, no problem.” How often did "no problem" become a "big problem?" Think of all the times when someone asked you what you wanted to do and you said, “Whatever you want to do is all right?” Now think back and realize that it was not all right. You were talked into something you didn’t want to do at all.

Make the decision to speak up and voice an opinion. Think about how your friends will react when you change your pleaser pattern.

Begin talking about the “new you” so it won’t come as a surprise to your family and friends.

Decide what you need for yourself. Your time is precious. Guard it.

Adapted from Take Back Your Life: Learn to say “No” Copyright 2007 Watson

Decision Making Integrity: Think about the consequences

Rita Watson — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 05:12:56 +0000
Tip for the day: To enhance integrity, think about consequences of your actions. "The man of character, sensitive to the meaning of what he is doing, will know how to discover the ethical paths in the maze of possible behavior." -Chief Justice Judge Earl Warren Decisions Shape Our Destiny We are becoming a sound bite society in which words are like the music of the Pied Piper. Rather than take the responsibility for making a decision, we allow ourselves to be seduced by tantalizing phrases, quick twists of the tongue, concepts that appeal to the ear rather than to reflective reason. And who can blame us? We are not taught decision-making as a skill. We are taught to pass tests and qualifying exams, but we are not taught to make decisions, to think critically. Decisions shape our destiny. Nonetheless few professionals, parents, or even lovers are trained to make a thoughtful decision. If you talk to decision-makers across the globe, you will find perhaps three camps of decision-making: More... Logical thinkers: those with graphs and charts, who review and evaluate past decisions Intuitive thinkers: those with a basic instinct that is almost always right on target Passive-aggressive non-deciders: those who hope their need for a decision will just go away. To avoid their responsibility or fend off a confrontation, they will hide behind any excuse, but the social mask most often is “too busy.” We applaud leaders and heroes who deliver Madison Avenue hype. Johnny Cocheran was a case in point. He summed up the evidence in one of the most expensive trials in history, not by reiterating the facts in this case, but with a dramatic display backed by the words: “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.” Today our presidential elections are waged as a war of words created with a clever media spin that may or may not contain the truth. We listen, and we accept rather than challenge. We throw up our hands and say, “What difference does it make anyway?” In presidential elections, it makes a big difference in terms of the social fabric of society, foreign policy, and economic well-being. We applaud leaders and heroes who deliver Madison Avenue hype. Johnny Cocheran was a case in point. He summed up the evidence in one of the most expensive trials in history, not by reiterating the facts in this case, but with a dramatic display backed by the words: “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.” Today our presidential elections are waged as a war of words created with a clever media spin that may or may not contain the truth. We listen, and we accept rather than challenge. We throw up our hands and say, “What difference does it make anyway?” In presidential elections, it makes a big difference in terms of the social fabric of society, foreign policy, and economic well-being.
In medical treatments, decisions of both patient and physician profoundly affect outcomes.

In the world of law and justice, decisions affect lives.

In business, decisions have a trickle down affect that may initially effect those within the organization or institution, but eventually impact the economy.
Within our personal lives our decisions affect our integrity, our values, our self-esteem and those we love. We owe it to ourselves to make decisions thoughtully and to convey our decisions with truth, trust, understanding — and when necessary, with a bit of humility. Copyright 2007 Watson

Seven Weeks to Success: Making a Dream Come True

Rita Watson — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 16:32:10 +0000
Men dream big dreams -- a new car, a new boat, a new job. Women traditionally dream small dreams -- a call from their special significant other, time alone, a new outfit. Now is the time to make a decision to follow your heart and make a secret dream come true. It might be a career change, a relationship change (for better or worse), a goal, a secret desire. Whenever you begin saying, "I wish..." it is time for the dream. Week One: Dream Your Dreams 1. Let your mind wander as you dream impossible dreams 2. Spend at least five minutes a day just day-dreaming. 3. Write down the whispering of your soul. 4. Write down the most outrageous dream you can imagine for yourself. 5. What is the one dream that keeps recurring even though it may be in different forms? Write it down. 6. Think of a dream that your heart of hearts is telling you about. 7. At the end of the week write down the one dream that dominates your thinking. This is your heart's desire. Each day for the next week, in addition to other thoughts on couaching, documenting, journaling, and interpersonal skills, we will add notes about each step in following a dream, a goal. Adapted from A Serenity Journal and The Art of Decision Making
© copyright 2008 Watson

GreenLegals.com

Rita Watson — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 17:30:47 +0000
GreenLegals ( www.GreenLegals.com )is an on-line magazine that is the brainchild of KJ Collins and Rita Watson.   So many people wondered why I would talk about relationships to love and money without mentioning our relationship to the environment, that GreenLegals.com was born. KJ Collins - GreenLegals Co-Founder and Publisher I am a lawyer who graduated from Boston College Law School more years ago than I care to remember. My work has taken me to law firms and corporations with specialties that have included: environmental law, bankruptcy law, food & drug law and commercial transactions. I believe that we are now living in a green world. So, companies must not only look at the traditional factors in decision-making such as the bottom line and return on investment, but they must also look at “green” from the perspective of money and the energy and environmental issues that affect our quality of life. My focus at GreenLegals is to gather business news, analyze legal issues, highlight renewable technologies, and provide insight into strategies that businesses are using in this brave new Green World. Rita Watson – GreenLegals Co-Founder and Executive Editor I am thrilled to be part of a magazine that that captures breaking news and also presents in depth case studies. Basically I have an incurable addiction to the written word and accuracy in reporting. My career began at The New York Times, took me to Yale School of Medicine, where I served in psychology as director of education and in psychiatry as director of policy. My graduate degree from Yale is in public health. As such, you can understand my concerns about clean air and water, renewable energy, and life in a green world. Today I am a daily syndicated blogger, a monthly Sunday editorial page columnist for The Providence Journal - writing about relationships - and an associate fellow at Yale’s Ezra Stiles College. If you wish to get totally lost in my biography, books published, and life in academia you can find all of that right here in Rita Watson's bio. But news of the environment changes daily - why spend time reading about my past? We have a future before us and each one of us is a stakeholder. www.GreenLegals.com

Can ex-lovers remain friends?

Rita Watson — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 01:49:34 +0000
For my last column I asked the good professor, “When relationships come to an end, do you think men and women should follow the Tibetan ritual of forgiveness, celebrating the love they once shared, and then letting go?” He simply rolled his eyes ... though later added, "Most agree, it is difficult.” To read that column, go to: Ways to Avoid Cell Phone Smashing (Jan 2008) Am asking friends and hearing so many points of view. If two people really shared a terrific friendship that involved helping to inspire creativity, encourage career advancement or changes, mange the mundane, share laughter with each other, friends, and children or families – then why not? http://www.articlealley.com/article_74631_35.html From what I am hearing, oftentimes the cog in the wheel is the new love interest (male or female) who feels threatened by the bond of friendship. We had a chairman at Yale who was part of the “Old Boy” network. http://www.bartleby.com/61/42/O0054200.html. When one of our friends decided to return to Greece rather than accept tenure (her husband was given a major political post), he was incredulous: Banging his fist on the desk he said, “She was a fool. Husbands and lovers come and go, but tenure and friendships are forever.” And friends are indeed important! http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/qt/friendship.htm Have more to say... just thinking right now. And going through these quizzes! http://www.lifescript.com/quiz/quiz.asp?bid=52077&valid=1&page=21&ptype=PA I love the Jerry and Elaine model! copyright 2008 ritawatson

Kittens, Cougars – Networking and Labelling

Rita Watson — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 05:23:56 +0000
I expected to write about "Sex with your Ex" because of a quiz that someone had sent along, but when I went into the site to view the quiz, there it was, the Cougar story! I first heard the term watching 30 Rock on line last week. It seems that Sex in the City’s Samantha, with her penchant for younger men, is credited with turning the pejorative image of "Mrs. Robinson” into a Cougar. Samantha is a business woman who seduces through her ability to think like a man sexually, and network like a man from the "old boy's club" socially. Defined as “women in their 30s to 60s involved with younger men,” it seems that Cougars are becoming a trend -- The Bachelor Show, Amazing Grace, an upcoming The Cougar Club, and the new cover of The New Yorker! I remember presenting a paper in a Public Health class at Yale citing just one reason why women should consider dating younger men – the nursing home population – all women. Longevity The women applauded. The men blanched. The professor was not amused. Many young men who date older women tell me they do so because: The women are more established. They have a stronger libido than young working women or those in their 40's looking at menopause. They are nurturing. Whereas today’s working women are too demanding and too career driven, they say. Now the new “Cashmere Mafia,” is a depiction of their worst nightmare. But at level higher level, these women pool their resources and contacts to smash though "the glass ceiling." They are the new networking B School graduates. The BBC Relationships section warns that it is important for younger women to make time for intimacy. I wonder why we like to label? Nonetheless, for most women, the image of a Cougar -- sleek, powerful, and confident -- is more favorable than that of a sex kitten. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Networking! The B Schools or the book — Never Eat Alone

Rita Watson — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 01:24:43 +0000
Business school relationships — those forged at Yale, Harvard, Duke, MIT’s Sloan School, Wharton and other B schools -- are valuable because there one learns how to network. Whether or not you are an MBA, I encourage you to read what is becoming a Keith Ferrazzi classic: Never Eat Alone: and other secrets to success, one relationship at a time. Keith tells us, as noted on the book jacket, "How to Build a Lifelong Community of Colleagues, Contacts, Friends, and Mentors." Keith is also a Yalie, however, I came to meet him at a Yale Club of Boston function. And I was really taken in by his down-to-earth manner and true desire to be a giver — to help others succeed. I have cradled the book for two years. “Thank you, Keith!” I am reading it as if I needed to pass a test! And I am testing myself daily to understand more fully the value of friendships. http://www.keithferrazzi.com/ copyright 2008 ritawatson

Networking or When Sex Trumps the King

Rita Watson — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 00:00:48 +0000
It seems that Cougars and Kittens created some controversy regarding relationships. Frankly, I think a lot of it has to do with serendipity. Dating and mating are so difficult. However, I know of happily married couples who took a networking Business School approach to meet and marry -- planning, planning, and strategizing. To me it sounds a bit too methodical. And yet, years later they are still together. They did their networking at graduate school gatherings, at high end bars, and at well picked social events. Additionally, some of the couples went the online route. I know of five couples who married their online match. As with buying a car, each wanted “attractive and compatible.” But for another twosome, serendipity intervened. “When I met my wife, we were Baby Boomers at an Ivy League graduate program. She was using one of those high-end dating services. I didn’t fit her stuffy doc profile. I kept telling her, ‘I’m younger than you are and more fun than these older guys.’ So I kept asking her out until she married me.” To read the full story, please go to Relationship Columns Gratitude and sex ‘trumps the king’ What intrigued me most was the idea of love and cars. As such, I began the piece as follows: IF ALOVEMATCH.COM merged with aNewCar.com would relationships have a longer shelf life? With fall in the air, more invitations to join a Man-of-the-Month club arrive at my door than sex ads that clutter up the nation’s e-mail. As online matchmaking services proliferate, the good professor mused, “Whatever happened to serendipity or friends introducing friends?” copyright 2008 ritawatson

Hillary’s VP, Relationships, TACT® Strategy Decisions

Rita Watson — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 04:10:45 +0000
We know that politicians make strange bedfellows. But I would like to find the article in which it is suggested that the Clinton team approach the Obama team and say, "Let's make a deal. You drop out of the race and we make you the VP. Within eight years, you will have the experience and the backing to be our next president." Or is that a given? Relationships without "Sex and the City" seem to be simmering on "Cashmere Mafia." The B School ladies have honed their business skills but in terms of relationships --the message seems to be "extra-marital affairs are the spice to keeping marriages hot." I'm rooting for the couple in which the young wife confronts the woman "hitting on her husband" and says, "Hands off." Life is about the choices we make. Here is stragegy that works in politics, in relationships, and the boardroom as well as the bedroom. 1. TAKE A MINUTE 2. Guard against immediate reactions to situations 3. Learn to say no, or “I can’t give you an answer at this time.” 4. Watch your words 5. Have the courage to sleep on your thoughts 6. ASSESS THE SITUATION 7. Gather information from all sources 8. Make a pros and cons checklist 9. Understand your personal feelings 10. Review against past decisions before deciding 11. CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVES 12. Generate options and alternatives creatively 13. Review the consequences for yourself and others 14. Examine how difficult your decision will be to implement 15. Develop a back up plan 16. TAKE A STAND AND FOLLOW THROUGH 17. Make sure your stance is clearly known 18. Do not underestimate strategies and timing aimed at success 19. Be willing to negotiate a win-win situation 20. Proceed with confidence and evaluate the outcome From The Art of Decision Making by Rita E. Watson, Lowell House Copyright 1994 Rita E. Watson

Unhappy at Work? — No Tears, Smile, and Plan

Rita Watson — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 14:43:17 +0000
The economic news is not pretty with expectations that the Dow Industrials are set to drop 500 points as trading begins today. Worries of a US recession are beginning to translate into reality. What does this mean for those of you who are not happy with your work? Will you need to grin and bear it? Yes and no. You always want to think of the future while living in the present. For the future -- a new book "Marketing Yourself for Your Dream Job: How to Get the Job and Career You've Always Wanted" comes out next week." Visit http://www.careerfitnesscoach.com to find out more. And for the present. Smile: If you have a job and you really are unhappy there. Smile, grin, and bear it. No tears, please. Those who cry appear to be manipulative and this is not an image you want to portray. In a weak economy, when layoffs are imminent, you want to appear to have the poise to remain focused on your work, not your feelings. http://jobs.aol.com/article/_a/tears-not-recommended-at-work/20080118092009990002 Document: If in your job you really are undergoing some serious stress that is related to a situation that may require you to talk with those higher up -- Document! A simple daily journal will help. No need to dramatize. Time, date, incident. Evaluate: Think what it is about the job that you dislike. Write out ways that you might help to improve the situation. Yes, you, what can you do to make your time at work more satisfying? Perhaps volunteer to take on another assignment even. Plan: Live in the present, but plan for the future. Think about your dream job. Write out the skills that you would like to see yourself using. Put together a resume that highlights those skills. Ask others for feedback. Project: Let others know you are looking, but in a tactful way. When you speak with others, try not to say, "I hate my job." Instead think about saying, "I love my work, but I wish there was room for advancement." Or "I am in a good organization, but I wish I was able to better utilize my skills." Follow-though: A new job will not just appear on your doorstep. Make an active search plan, and follow-through. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Your dream, goal, and focus

Rita Watson — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 05:20:41 +0000
Week Two: Seven Steps to a Sucessful Dream No controversy in this posting. No kittens and cougars. No lovers and exes. No politics. Just simple goal setting. In the first week of Seven Weeks to A Successful Dream you dreamed the dreams. (January 12th, Blog Post) Week Two is time to focus on your goal, your heart’s desire. For an entire week, you will want to think, act and talk to yourself about the dream. >> Always be certain in your heart that the dream, the goal you wish to accomplish, is coming true. >> Tell no one at all about this dream. Don’t be concerned about how it will happen. >> Keep the dream locked quietly in your heart. It is too early to share your thoughts. >> Feel the dream and experience how the dream makes you feel. This is beyond, “What if” this is the time to say, “I am loving this new job.” Or, “Yes, this is my perfect partner.” >> If you can see it in your mind’s eye, you can achieve it. Think of this exercise as guided imagery. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Decisions in a You Tube World: An Angry Wife

Rita Watson — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 01:40:46 +0000
I once wrote a section in one of my books called "Are there wrong decisions?"   Well, if you were the wife of the principal who called back a student to say things she probably regretted after hearing herself on You Tube --then yes, there are some wrong decisions.  http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/strange/news-article.aspx?storyid=100629   Her angry message is becoming a sensation! (And many secretly wish they had the courage to speak as she did.) --Let's abolish the word "wrong." We all make foolish decisions and decisions we regret. And when we do, we feel angry with ourselves or guilty. Neither emotion is worth the energy. -- View each decision as a learning experience. If it doesn't turn out as you wished, congratulate yourself on being courageous enough to make a decision. It is better to make a decision than to become immobilized by indecision. -- If you are really sorry about a decision and you hurt someone, own up to it. Tell that person, "I am sorry. Is there something I can do to correct things?" -- Take a look at the TACT® Strategies -- before we speak it is always good to "Think a Minute. Assess the Situation. Consider the Alternatives. Take a Stand.

Should Principal’s Wife Post Student Voice Mail on You Tube? He said, She said!

Rita Watson — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 14:29:41 +0000
It's all over the news. On what could have been a routine snow day, a student called his principal very early in the morning. Dean Tistadt's wife, Candy, returned the message saying, "How DARE you call us at home!"  Well that wasn't all she said. He posted the message on You Tube. (This link takes you to the FULL story and the You Tube video). There are two sides to every story. Candy, let's hear what prompted you to stand by your man! And maybe with enough encouragement, you will post the young student's comment on You Tube! Do men and women think differently? More... With regard to decisionmaking, men have told me, "One wrong decision and you lose the game." (In the student's case, he is on top of the world. It is the principal's wife who might be feeling she made a hasty decision.) However, the "one wrong move" mentality may be true in on the football field, the soccer field, the basefield field, but in business and in life, there are few decisions that have such dire consequences. In business if a man makes what he perceives as a less than perfect decision, he calls in his team, his strategists. Together they work to help their leader regain his power. Even if a man makes an enemy in his decisionmaking, he will learn to shake hands and drink with the foe, whom he may one day need as an ally. Men learn this early in life on the sports field. Women, on the other hand, can be tyrannized by decisionmaking. They worry about making the best decision. Here is where women have an advantage -- their intuition. I am not suggesting that women forgoe logic. I think decisionmaking is a learned skill. But I do know from my work, that if one thoughtfully sifts through all of the facts before making a decision -- and then adds a bit of "that feeling inside" it is safe to say, "You are becoming a decisionmaker." Do men have intutive skills? Absolutely, but they call them "hunches!"

Commercial and Big Decisions

Rita Watson — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 03:08:02 +0000
The pre-game Pepsi ad slated for Super Bowl Sunday will be an historic television moment. It’s the topic of polls and news features – a commercial that features 60 seconds of silence. During the hoopla and noise, an ad with no sounds, just people signing. The Dallas News carries the story and the video link, a sneak preview that we present here. In a world of words, the American Sign Language joke gives us laughter and cause to pause... parents teaching their young children to both speak and sign through the Baby Einstein series will especially appeciate this remarkable event. Silence – it makes most people uncomfortable. As a society, we like to hear ourselves talk. We like televisions going or music because the sounds of silence are a bit frightening. But if you have a really big decision to make, do you want to be talking about it or quietly thinking about it? More... For a little decision:Remember the “Table Pounding Whys” posted on January 10th? It is always appropriate to think a minute or 10 or 20 minutes. You can be silent. It’s acceptable. It gives you an opportunity to think before you speak. For a big decision -- here are some tips:

Gather information from all perspectives

Review it with friends, family, colleagues, and trusted advisors

Think about past decisions and whether or not you were satisfied with the outcome

Ask yourself this question, “If there were no constraints, what would I decide?”

The value of silence:

Your head is filled with information.

You had done the analysis.

But what do you really feel deep down inside?

The only way you will know for certain is to listen to what we feel – your intuition, your hunches. To listen requires silence.

Practice silence:

Day One --Sit quietly for 3 minutes doing nothing –no music, no reading, no television – just you and your silent world.

Day Two – Give yourself 7 minutes of silence.

It is hard to do, isn’t it? The reason is because silence brings us face to face with our shadow side, that part of our personality that we wish to bury. Silence brings us too close to lonely, and lonely brings us too close to the monster called “Alone.” Get over it! And think about the old saying of those who talk to themselves, “I get the best answers that way.” Take some time with yourself silently… and the answer to your big decision will come. www.amazon.com from A Serenity Journal by Rita Esposito Watson

A Goal and a Link!

Rita Watson — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 04:06:39 +0000
Here it is, the silent ad in the midst of The Pat's 4th Super Bowl appearance. It is an historic first -- someone's dream come true. Someone set his mind to a goal and achieved it. ( See yesterday's blog post). As an Italian dreamer, I would like to own a Ferrari, Lamborghini, or Maserati. As a decision maker, I am an advocate of S.M.A.R.T goals. As a realist, this week-end I will be a cheering fan while trying to train my head to dream a big dream. Super Bowl News While the "Italians" may be out of reach, I can put my SMART goals in place between plays. SMART is an acronym for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic (or Relevant), Time-bound. More... What is the secret to success? Take a good look at your SMART goals and how they might play out in your life. Specific – I want a new car. Name the car you wish to own. Measurable – How will buy it? Put a plan in place so you can see the outcome. Attainable – A Maserati is out of reach. I love the goal, but it is too big a dream for right now. So I’ll set my sights on a different car, but keep the dream alive. Reliable or Relevant – It is a goal that is important to achieve and you can name the reasons why. Time-bound – it is within a time frame in which you can achieve success.Read more about SMART goals. What is the secret to success? Follow-through. So many people get halfway through their dream and the minute they stumble, they abandon the path. Sometimes there are stones along the path. Sometimes boulders. See them as challenges. The TACT® Strategies are reminders to help you Think a minute. Assess the Situation. Consider the Alternatives, then Take a Stand and Follow-through. Keep your eye on the goal. Actually, I have been thinking. I am not the best driver. My goal should be to own a limousine that comes with a personal chauffer. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Where’s Tom Brady? Hide out Decisions and Good Books

Rita Watson — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 03:52:43 +0000
With all the talk of Tom Brady missing in action, I can't help but wonder if this isn't a planned strategy on his part. Sometimes hiding out is the best of all decisions. It gives one time to think and plan. It is an opportunity to evalute past decisions and prepare for future ones. It is a time to recoup our inner resources. Whether you will be cheering "Go, Pats," or "Go, Giants" you will be part of what feels like a National Holiday. And if you are choosing instead to curl up with a good book, here are a few on decision -making that you might enjoy -- and one environmental thriller, really. Malcolm O. Munro's, Marketing Yourself for Your Dream Job: How to Get the Job and Career You've Always Wanted. For previewgo to http://www.careerfitnesscoach.com Keith Ferrazzi's, Never Eat Alone, http://nevereatalone.typepad.com/blog/2008/01/tip-104-build-y.html#comments John Gordon's, The Energy Bus www.jongordon.com Decision-making not on your mind? How about a political and environmental thriller? CAPE WIND: Money, Celebrity, Class, Politics, and the Battle for Our Energy Future on Nantucket Sound It's a story of the Kennedy Clan and the rich and famous on the Cape vs those who have identified windmills as a valuable source of power. Whatever your choice, it is certain to be a super changed day.

The Advice Trap — Do’s and Don’ts

Rita Watson — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 03:25:03 +0000
These are uncertain times on Wall Street. Investors are bracing for another week of volitility. New investors will panic and seek advice about selling.  But we all seek advice -- whether about a new love, a financial decision, medical decision, a job, day-care, or children. Just a few general thoughts on the topic. Although tomorrow I will be a bit more specific on the topic of advice regarding love, sex, and marriage. But for now... DO ASK friends, neighbors, and business associates. Good sources include:

Friends you admire who seem to make good decisions

Associates from a business group, your church, arts council, or political group

Friends who have experience making decisions similar to the one you are now facing

DONT' ASK or ACCEPT advice from: Know it alls
Those whose attitude is "my way or the highway"

Those who put you on a spot, for example, you ask about a lawyer and they go right to the phone, dial a number and say, "Here, talk to my friend, he is the best."

Those whose mind is already made up.
Keep in mind:
You want objectivity

You want different points of view

You want information to help you make an informed decision.
copyright 2008 ritawatson

Strange Bedfellows and Sex with Your Ex (Why?)

Rita Watson — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 03:53:04 +0000
Politics makes strange bedfellows as we have learned. People who seem to have little in common often align themselves with others for political interests or revenge. This week the news is of Kennedy supporting Obama. Next week it will be another surprise. I am not certain why one really cares which celebrity supports a particular candidate. I think we should be more interested in making our own decisions. But let’s talk about the strange bedfellow situation. While I am unable to answer mail directly, I do feel a need to address questions that keep coming up from readers. Is it because of my column about remaining friends with you ex that so many want to know about sex with your ex? Or is it because the holidays were here and you were alone and too many of you decided, “What the heck. Why not?” and now you are angry and furious with yourselves or perhaps ashamed? There is so much written about this topic -- and I am going to refer you to other writers in a minute – but first let’s do some damage control to your heart. And it’s back to the TACT® Strategies. Take a minute – think about what you did in terms of reconnecting with someone who brought you pain and so one of you severed the connection. Why did you decide to rekindle a moment of passion? Be honest, this is between you and your heart! And forgiveness is a good answer. Assess the situation – what are you feeling? Were either of you hurt by the moment of passion? What had you hoped for with regard to the outcome? Can you tell him or her honestly what you had expected? If not, then why! Consider the alternatives – Ok, you did the deed and now what, feeling guilty? Don’t waste a minute on guilt. But do generate a list of what you would like to see happen in the future. Perhaps you wish to:
Try to forgive and forget and start fresh.

Acknowledge that it was fun but you should set parameters for the future.

Ask him or her to talk with you about the situation.
>>> A word about "Can we talk?" Make it fun. Make a loving joke. But be serious. "Never thought we'd be up for a roll in the hay. But we did. Where do we go from here?" Take a stand and follow-though – Make a decision. Don’t leave yourselves like a ship with a broken sail. Talk about it. Or dismiss it completely. Obsessing about it serves no useful purpose. Now if you are one of the many men and women contemplating sex with your ex … read on: Tis the season for ex-sex… Not so fast! Sex with the Ex from Parents World Sex with your ex Wondering about the saying, “Politics makes strange bedfellows?” Bartleby.com says it is adapted from a line in the play The Tempest, by William Shakespeare: “Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.” It is spoken by a man who has been shipwrecked and finds himself seeking shelter beside a sleeping monster.

A Successful Dream – AND Our Missing Posts

Rita Watson — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 05:54:12 +0000
Through a server glitch last night we have some missing posts floating around Internet land. We will repost and offer all SEVEN steps to a Successful Dream as a PDF download -- free of change. Thank you for your patience and for bearing with us as we try to locate these pieces and your terrific comments.

Unlucky in Love -- change your pattern, your love story. February 2

Nude Models: Bare is in the air, Bear Your Heart of Hidden Agendas. February 1

Nuns Sketching Naked Man: Good PR vs Bad Taste. January 31

Dr. Ruth Said and Friends with Benefits. Jauary 30

Relationship Havoc: Our Soldiers Returning Home

Rita Watson — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 13:24:24 +0000
Our Soldiers are coming home to relationship havoc. This is an important story I wrote yesterday for the Providence Journal. http://www.projo.com/opinion/contributors/content/CT_rita3_02-03-08_LJ8PIG5_v22.38cb14c.html Bear with us as we switch Servers!

Dr. Ruth “Overheard” and Friends with Benefits

Rita Watson — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 02:26:33 +0000
Overheard -- a well traveled consultant sat next to Dr. Ruth at a Bill and Hillary type gathering and confessed, “I really want to find a good man.” To which Dr. Ruth answered, “Then why are you sitting next to me!” Promise you, I can trust the source on this one. I didn’t hear it from a friend of a friend who saw it on some surveillance camera. Although with our spying bill up for an extension, it could well be. The full story and videos were up early afternoon on Muckraker http://www.tpmmuckraker.com/    and Think Progress www.thinkprogress.org/   Eavesdropping by the government is becoming more commonplace than on the soaps where someone is always lurking in a doorway gain the “overheard” advantage. With good men and good women so hard to find, the soaps turn eavesdropping into an art form. But are good men and women really that hard to find? Or are we caught up in another newly resurrected term, “the good fit.” I think it is a term that I have heard most often from those who are disillusioned with the match making services, “All the specs added up, but we weren’t a good fit.” In most cases this means what? He or she didn’t bring enough to the table He or she did not measure up to your fantasy The phase may have been minted on Boston Legal and is now as much a part of our vocabulary as a French phrase. It seems that Alan confessed to Denise one day that he was flunking Kissing 101. She taught him how to pucker up and cozy up and eventually they went from desk to floor to bed –though perhaps not all in the same show. Someplace other than between the sheets, the two discovered a new type of relationship -- friends with the benefits of sex. To read the Boston Legal synopsis, you might try a blog from Georgia: http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/05/08/225917.php Friends with Benefits Quiz The New York Times not that long ago carried a story called, “Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too” http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/02/health/02sex.html (you may need to sign in for this article which talks about research from colleges. However, here is a link to an abstract that appeared in the Archives of Sexual Behavior called “Negotiating a Friends with Benefits Relationship.” http://www.springerlink.com/content/t22037j0215j4367/?p=518dc307ea804c85be6dad932a1e3247&pi=0

Are you reluctant to enter a friends with benefits situation because you really want to save yourself for the right person? Good. You should.

But as one passes let’s say the age of 35 or 40 – are you using this as a excuse to avoid a committed relationship?

Or do you feel that you are one of those who are not good at relationships, which is a good excuse not to bother to try? If you disappoint, you can always shrug your shoulders and say, “I warned you. Did my part. Sorry if I broke your heart.”

If you are in a friends with benefits situation ask yourself these questions:
Am I doing this because commitment is too difficult?

Is this my excuse to avoid commitment?

Do I traditionally tell myself and others that I am not good at relationships – thereby I give absolving myself of the responsibility for trying?

Have I been so hurt by others that I am really afraid to be hurt again?If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions and the friend with whom you are sharing the benefits is really a friend – than it is time for a friendship talk – truth with no consequences.
A note about "He said" and "She said." This is one of the postings was lost and we haven't recovered the comments. But one that did strike me as interesting came from a man who said, "I've been pretending we were in a FWB situation all along. But I feel in love with her, even though she wasn't my type."  My good man, that was precisely what took place on Boston Legal. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Decisionmaking on Super Tuesday

Rita Watson — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 03:13:38 +0000
With the results of Super Tuesday splashed across headlines, one must continue to wonder if we are a sound bite society in which words are like the music of the Pied Piper. How fascinating to watch the words of those who endorse candidates. Do decision-makers really care? I think that the Kennedy clan of Massachusetts learned that in their State people were able to think for themselves rather than following Kennedy endorsements and those of as John Carey and Deval Patrick. Thank you, Froma Harrop: http://www.projo.com/opinion/columnists/content/CL_froma3_02-03-08_U18QRIJ_v22.38cd482.html   People took responsibility for their decisions and exit polls seem to be consistent — people care about the economy. Rather than take the responsibility for making a decision, during elections too often we allow ourselves to be seduced by tantalizing phrases, quick twists of the tongue, concepts that appeal to the ear rather than to reflective reason. Decisions shape our destiny. Nonetheless few professionals, parents, or even lovers are trained to make a thoughtful decision. If you talk to decision-makers across the globe, you will find perhaps three camps of decision-making. It bears repeating there are three distinct types of decision-makers — and the best combine logic and hunches: Logical thinkers: those with graphs and charts, who review and evaluate past decisions Intuitive thinkers: those with a basic instinct that is almost always right on target Passive-aggressive non-deciders: those who hope their need for a decision will just go away. To avoid their responsibility or fend off a confrontation, they will hide behind any excuse, but the social mask most often is “too busy.” Today our presidential elections are waged as a war of words created with a clever media spin that may or may not contain the truth. We listen, and we accept rather than challenge. We throw up our hands and say, “What difference does it make anyway?” In presidential elections, it makes a big difference in terms of the social fabric of society, foreign policy, and economic well-being. Within our personal lives our decisions affect our integrity, our values, our self-esteem and those we love. We owe it to ourselves to make decisions thoughtully and to convey our decisions with truth, trust, understanding — and when necessary, with a bit of humility -- also known as the ability to say, "I am sorry." copyright 2008 ritawatson

Couple’s Time Fends off Relationship Stress

Rita Watson — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 15:51:50 +0000
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, we have been told. But absence can also create an emotional distance that is difficult to bridge. AND it doesn’t just happen with our troops overseas. It can happen with couples who live in the same house who don’t give each other enough time to read the silences, the unspoken words, the facial expressions. It can happen with long distance relationships. It can happen when couples do live in the same house, but one travels extensively. It can happen with two people who are dating and who put their social calendar ahead of their emotional calendar. For our troops, I am once again referring readers to my Providence Journal column on Sunday.http://www.projo.com/opinion/contributors/content/CT_rita3_02-03-08_LJ8PIG5_v22.38cb14c.html For couples, I am going to wonder on paper: Is working more important than making time to visit each other at least a half hour each night, making the relationship a priority? Make time every night, sitting with each other, emailing each other, calling each other if you are apart. Daily, meaningful contact is vital. Have you learned to read the expressions on the face of someone who cares about you? Learn what it means when someone is biting their lower lip. Understand the downcast eyes. The slump of the shoulders. If they are hurt or in pain, have you figured out a way to snuggle into their heart? Can you “hear” in an email, a phone conversation, or face to face where someone you love is hurting? Ask. Don’t play games. Life is too short. Most of all – make a date whenever you can to be alone. I know of long distance couples who go to a bar on Friday nights – each one alone – and have “Cocktail” hour – even managing to crisscross time zones. And under no circumstances buy into the new research that says the new trend is separate bedrooms and sleeping alone. I think it is a conspiracy of bedsalesman trying to sell more furniture. Human touch is a relationship treaure. As with one of those ads -- price of the bed $1000. Price of separate bedrooms -- $30,000 for the room and even more for the divorce. The touch of intimacy -- priceless. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Sex and Money

Rita Watson — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 20:29:26 +0000
True confessions – I do not own a television. So how did I become addicted to "Dirty Sexy Money?" Because there is something called on-line full episodes and sad to say because of the writer’s strike they number only a few. And the concept of money and power and sex is a bit intriguing. Wasn't it Henry Kissinger who once said that "Power is the ultimate aprhodiasic?" While there may be too much sex on camera – though I think it is far healthier than violence – I often wonder if more loving at home might tame the divorce rate. Researchers at Boston University recently tracked about 4,000 men and women from ages 18 to 77 years from the Framingham, Mass., Offspring Study. Reports say that when couples were asked what it is they fight about – tops on the list were sex, money and children. Nonetheless sex is still going strong. The universities of Chicago and Toronto studied 3,005 men and women between ages 57 to 85, and reported that two-thirds of those in their 70s are having sex at least twice a month. Some continue into their 80s. And yet the Durex study found that we in America are not enjoying sex as much as some of our friends internationally. In terms of sexual pleasure and frequency, the United States ranks at 23 out of 26 nations. One friend insisted, “Some couples don’t need sex. My sister and brother-in-law never have sex. He is happy just being with her.” We know the brother-in-law. His happiness comes from rolling in the hay with any woman who is game. He’s a believer in studies that say a healthy sex life boosts the immune system and adds an average of seven years to men’s lives. Marcel Proust has said that “desire makes everything blossom.” I am reminded of the postman on our street when I was growing up. One day, he said “Good-bye” to the neighbors. He was off with his wife to their new home in Florida.   We were stunned. How did he do it on his salary? Just before leaving he gave us his secret. “I always wanted a home in Palm Beach. It was my dream. My desire. I just kept saving consistently. A little bit each week. But I always saved.” Then he added, “At first my wife complained that I was a penny-pitcher, then one day, after we took a vacation to Florida, she said, “This is a good plan. Start leaving a little something under my pillow each time we had sex. An you know what? We had a good laugh. A lot of good sex. Money in the bank. And now a home in Florida.” Today we are somewhat amused by a Steve Martin quote: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Take a look at your money and your sex lives.
Give generously to each other.

Pay yourselves first when it comes to money.

Save consistently.

Make a financial plan.

Follow-through.
copyright 2008 ritawatson

Hairdresser Sex Talk and Toys

Rita Watson — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 21:03:57 +0000
Yes, I have been writing a column about sex and relationships (see Relationship columns), but generally from the point of view of my being an incurable romantic. I want everyone to fall in love. I love to see couples in love. As Valentine’s Day approaches, I take out my Angel Dust and sprinkle it everywhere I go wishing that women young and old will find Prince Charming even if only in their dreams. So today I was at the hairdresser thinking about romance and I received a Blackberry message about an unexpected Valentine gift from a surprise sweetheart. Answering the message distracted me.  When I rejoined the conversation, I suddenly realized I was listening to "sex talk." Yes, in a very proper place, with very proper women I heard about someone’s Aunt Annette and her "Sex Tapes and Toy Shop."   Whoa! Gadgets? I don’t even own a blender. I’m not good with things that have switches. But apparently, women are liking toys these days, while men seem to prefer the tapes. "Who goes to the shop?" I asked. "Professionals – doctors, lawyers, businessmen visit my Aunt together and she tries to be helpful,” replied the bouncy and beautiful woman. I was new to the salon, but I do recall that when I lived in Boston, I learned more about sex and relationships from the magazines and conversations at the hair salon than in all my years at college. The magazines were clear: “What Men Really Want in Bed.” Cosmo Sex Tips   And Ask Men Love Tips “What Women Really Want in Bed.” Women read these magazines. Men don’t. Men like car writers and sports magazines because they get right down to the details.  And if men do like sex toys, the appeal may be simple -- what you see is what you get. No games. No second guessing. No hidden agendasIs life behind your closed doors, somewhat boring? Are you worried that he might be straying? Forget the “We should talk” conversation. Action speaks louder than words. You don’t need me to draw pictures here.   Now, may I preface this by saying, I'm Italian. I believe a way to a man's heart is through a wonderful meal, home cooked, or bought from a great store and placed in your own serving platters -- however -- here are some hair salon thoughts: Do something provocative:

Scan the Internet.

Tell him some of the things you saw that surprised you. WATCH his eyes and reactions.

Which peaked his interest?

Ask, in a matter-of-fact manner, “Which of these toys should I bring to a shower for a friend getting married for the first time?” And don’t let him off the hook.

Whisper something to him that is romantic or “sex talk” shocking.

Why is it that women like sex toys? According to my hair salon sources:

They are fun.

They perform on demand.

They don't talk back.

And they don’t snore.

I am all for getting in the mood for love, but if you are as "on-and-off switch phobic" as I am -- I even got rid of my television when I became confused with those remotes -- then try some old fashioned sweetness and love. The hearty meal and maybe, just maybe, become creative with dessert. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Politics, Sex, a Win-Win, & YouTube Laugh VIDEO

Rita Watson — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 03:50:19 +0000
The New Yorker cover shows Hillary and Obama in a modern day rendition of the magazine's first issue, which has appeared in some form at every anniversary. This topsy-turvy world is reflected in sports, in the bedroom, and in politics. On the New Yorker cover Obama is at the bottom half and Hillary at the top, upside down. Although if you flip the cover, she is the one who is grounded. Topsy-turvey! The political game seems to be a mirror image of what happened at the Super Bowl. We expected the Patriots to win. But suddenly the Giants played a better game. Secretly many people began to wish they would win. Is this now happening with the Democratic primaries? Hillary was on top and suddenly Obama is taking us to a neck and neck race. The hope seems to be "unite early before the Convention" and bring the party to victory. But we have difficulty with win-win situations whether in the board room or the bed room. In a win-win situation everyone wins something and everyone must give up something. There are three questions to consider for a win-win.

What is it that I really need to have to feel as if I am winner?

What is it that I am willing to give up?

If I win, then what?

In politics and in business, it is easier to see what goes into win-lose columns or a win-win column. But in relationships, it is more delicate.

Sometimes through the politics of sex, one party gives another the silent treatment because one is right, the other is wrong.

Or one party may withhold sex, because one is right, another is wrong.

Or you might hear of a couple in which he takes a hard line, she objects and it doesn't matter who is right or wrong --there is a stalemate.

In a relationship -- the unique aspect is the ability for two people, independent thinkers, to respect the other's point of view. And for the sake of the marriage or the relationship negotiating a settlement is the win. Drawing a line in the sand creates a tension in which one may win the battle but lose the war. Or win a point, and lose out on love. My grandmother always said, "Never let the sun set on your anger." Find something to laugh about even in a difficult situation. Studies on laughter show that a good laugh is contagious. See for yourself below! Newscaster Can't Stop Laughing! PS: The New Yorker rerendition by comic book artist Seth is a reminder of the original Eustace Tilley dandy peering through his monocle at a butterfly. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Write Your Own Love Story of Romance and Spicy Sex

Rita Watson — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 02:59:59 +0000
With Valentine’s Day upon us, if you see yourself as unlucky in love — change your story. Plain and simple. This isn’t a new idea.Yale Professor Robert Sternberg, PhD, has been advocating this approach for years. And yet no matter how many times I send out his questionnaire, I still have friends who call and say, “Yes, but….” But nothing. If you are falling into the same pattern, give yourself a Valentine and get out of it. There is love without pain. There is love without sadness. There is LOVE. But first get rid of hope.” Yes, your heard right, “Hope” is the culprit. What is your story? Star-crossed lover, traveller, or collector? We present here the long Sternberg article, What’s Your Love Story? But if you just want to go straight to the questionnaire may I offer three suggestions? Be Honest. Be Clear. Be Serious. Think about what he is suggesting? There are more stories: martyr, cop, business relationship. You will find your story, but first you may want to ask yourself: * What is it that makes me most unhappy in relationships? * What characteristics does each of my partners have in common? The “What’s My Story” Questionnaire http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20000701-000035.html Take the Quiz. Then decide to make a change. Just remember that even for the better, change is difficult. But the alternative is “hoping.” Kiss “hope” good-by and reach for the stars — “The sun, moon, and stars”– as the good professor of my columns likes to say. And rightly so. Notes/ This is one of those columns that was lost during the server breakdown. So we hope that if you commented before, you will comment again. copyright 2008 ritawatson

The Valentine Maven

Rita Watson — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 03:32:29 +0000
This is a reprint of an article I wrote on Valentine's Day last year for The Providence Journal. I still believe in the sentiment, but I am finding that flowers are uplifting and they don't stick to your thighs. A Valentine Fairy Godmother If I could be the Valentine’s Day Fairy Godmother I would wave my magic wand and turn Feb. 14 into Children’s Day. I am incurable romantic. As a teenager my aunt taught us to think “Love.” She had us wear silk nightgowns, a strand of pearls, and a splash of Joy perfume to bed each night because, we were told, “You never know whom you will meet in your dreams.” When I grew up I wanted to become a Valentine’s Day maven strewing hearts and flowers in the streets. But now, I would like Valentine’s Day to become Children’s Day. What changed? I became a grandmother. As the Valentine Fairy Godmother, I will declare a day to rewrite the book of love and forgiveness, create a memory, and give the day back to young people, who are so much a part of the romantic tradition. We live in a love-addicted society. Every day on every television channel, a movie, a talk show, a soap opera reinforces the myth — without love, without a relationship, you are not whole. And so on Valentine’s Day women wait for the hearts, the flowers, and little signs of affection. The word is, “If he loved me he would….” He would what? Overpay for flowers? Send a box of calories? Those chocolates — we might just as well apply them directly to our bodies! What does the Valentine’s Day frenzy really mean? It means that on at least one day we want to feel loved. And for that we look to a Hallmark holiday card. Most of us forget that the way to be loved is to give love to those around us. Follow the advice of the man who wrote a book titled Love, Leo Buscaglia, who always reminded us to take a chance and tell people we love them — children, parents, friends. Give yourself the gift of love and forgive someone who has hurt you instead of remaining wounded. Build a room in your heart for that person and follow a Tibetan model — send wishes for a good life. It will free you and the person you send the message to, and open the door to happiness and your next adventure. Redford B. Williams, M.D., and a professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Duke University, tells us, “Eschew anger.” It will do a world of good for your heart. Find ways to show a no-strings-attached love to family, to friends, even to strangers. Look at the world through the eyes of a child before that child learns anger or hate. For those looking at Valentine’s Day with the same anxiety as “Will I have a date on New Year’s Eve?” take heart, take control. Turn this day into children’s day. Invite your friends for a champagne, strawberries and checkbook party. Collectively think of a children’s group that you might support either locally or nationally. Invite your florists to donate 10 percent from the Valentine’s sales; many will be pleased to do so. The tradition of Valentine’s Day cards and gifts dates back to the 1500’s, when young people in France and England gathered around a box in the village square to draw the name of their sweethearts for the year. Remember those lace doily Valentine’s Day boxes we had in grade school? At the end of the day we all tallied up the number of cards we had received. Let this be a day when children’s organizations can tally up checks. From groups that help children and families with disorders such as epilepsy to those supporting homeless children — there is a need. From organizations dedicated to improving children’s health to those fostering children’s creativity — a Valentine’s Day check will be a welcome surprise. Be an innovator. Work with your office to support a children’s arts program at a Rhode Island school, or a library such as the Providence Athenaeum. Help underwrite more children’s programming at PBS. If you cannot write a check, give time. Teach a child to read. Lobby to stop child abuse. There is a benefit to thinking of Valentine’s Day as Children’s Day. The wonderful world of children is limitless. Children see no obstacles. Their wishes are dreams that they believe will come true. Psychoanalyst Selma H. Fraiberg called growing-up time for children The Magic Years. We can help make the magic. What I miss about being a child is my belief in Santa Claus. As the Valentine Fairy Godmother, I will sprinkle Santa dust in the air so that each of us can think about loving, forgiving, and giving in a new way -- unconditionally. Originally published on February 14th, 2007 as inspired by the good Professor.

Love or Madness? Love Sales, and NBC Apology for Jane

Rita Watson — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 04:32:21 +0000
This was Love, Politics, and Sex Toy Week at the Blog here. So it is fitting to sum it up with: Love as madness and Love as sales. But first take a look at these:

Hairdresser Sex Talk and Toys (oh, those comments!)

Politics, Sex, a Win-Win and a You Tube Laugh (best laugh ever)

Write Your Own Love Story with Spicy Sex (could be steamy)

Valentine Maven (tame)

While reading about new research and ideas, you might wish to click the link: "Could I have this dance?" Madly in love or just plain madness? Is being madly in love, just plain limerence – akin to an obsession-compulsive disorder? This new report tells all in an article by Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY. She says, “Are you crazy in love or just plain crazy? It all depends on whether new research into a condition called ‘limerence’ leads to the creation of a new psychiatric diagnosis." "It's that first stage of attraction where there's that bliss and euphoria and the newness of love," says Brenda Schaeffer, a psychologist from Minneapolis. That's the upside. But there is a dark side, too. "It is obsessive-compulsive when you're feeling it. It's the center of your life," says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor at State University of New York-Stony Brook. Crazy in Love If You Are Single, You Are In Sales If you are single, and looking for love you are in Sales says, Keith Ferrazzi, the Never Eat Alone guru. And if you are married, you are in Sales. Keith says, “We’re all in sales. Do you want a raise or a promotion? You’re in sales. Do you have a new idea at work? You’re in sales. Are you single? You are DEFINITELY in sales. . . for Keith's email tips go to: www.keithferrazzi.com Decision-making tips for Valentine week: Play the song here, close your eyes, and imagine. Could I have this dance for the rest of my life? Now:

Take the time to be yourself.

Take the time to think about who you are and what you want in a companioin.

If you are seeing someone seriously think ahead – what does the rest of your life really mean to you? your children if you are a parent?

And if you are single, before you go out and “sell yourself” be sure you know your product.

If you are married, take stock every single day. Be grateful and be certain that you keep your relevence and loving alive.

PS/ Yes, it's true, Jane said the offensive word on TV. Jane Fonda word shocker, NBC apologizes.

Men’s Valentine’s Day Recovery & Bill’s Striptease VIDEO

Rita Watson — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 01:48:58 +0000
I have always thought there was too much hype about Valentine's Day. Too much pressure. Overpriced flowers. And too many boxes of calories. Nonetheless as a hopeless romantic, I love the flowers, the hearts, and my heart does flip-flops over Valentine surprises. I marvel that some men just know how to do it right. But at what price?   Men are secretly scared by Valentine's Day. Don't believe me. Read this! Men Just Can't Handle the Pressure of Valentine's Day    Mark tells us that one friend "went so far as to consult with a gay friend for advice. The friend suggested he get something from Hermes... pronounced 'air-maze,'" Mark proceeded to say, "I’m always troubled by men who know how to say it correctly."   [Mark, get a grip, the guy had great taste!] Nonetheless, I think what men find most troubling is not just getting the right gift, but perhaps performance anxiety -- which doesn't seem to trouble Bill Clinton at all.  Bill's Bump and Grind for Hillary copyright 2008 ritawatson

Hillary & Obama: A Dance Video and Sex Toy Talk Comments

Rita Watson — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 03:18:29 +0000
Political relationships as with all relationships are somewhat like a dance. Sometimes you are in step and sometimes out of step. Today, it is Sunday and it is time for a few YouTube laughs -- including a look at comments from Sex Toy Talk. The Economist cover story has Obama waving to a crowd and the words say: "But Can He Deliver?" The blog comments to my "What if" were interesting --TalkingPoingsMemo:What if? And a note from the father of my children, Bill Watson, was poignant-- "If Hillary was a man, no one would question her personality." But I think it is time to lighten up. For a laugh and a dance Hillary and Obama Disco Together and while a few have faded out, here is The Presidential Can Can. Decisionmaking Tips: With politics as with any relationship -- my TACT®  Strategies come in handy:

Take a minute -- Think about the issues

Assess the situation -- We are facing a recession and we have candidates squaring off. The current president had no experience in business and no experience in government.

Consider the alternatives -- Look past personalities and consider past mistakes.

Take a stand -- Make a decision based on what's best for the country.

And if politics are too mind boggling at the moment -- Hairdresser Sex Talk and Toys -- from last Saturday has some very funny comments that do speak to relationships!

Love Story Quiz, but First Your Perceived vs. Real Self

Rita Watson — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 04:31:43 +0000
Some of you wrote and asked for more details about Robert Sternberg’s Love Story theory.  It seems simple, but people are beginning to tell me that it is hard work. And I agree. In all the years that I have had this quiz, I just realized that I have never completed it. Now I understand why. I think one needs to make some decisions first. In doing so you will see that from your profile you can come to an understanding of your personal life as well as your professional life. The whole article is on the February 13th posting, but we present here, just the quiz itself and your real vs. perceived self. Give yourself about 45 minutes.

Write a short profile of yourself, a biography.

Make a list of five positive qualities.

Add least three and up to five of your negative traits.

Here is the tricky part – be honest. Ask yourself this question: Would your “perceived-self” recognize your “real-self”?

If you ask a best friend if he or she agrees with you, what do you think he or she might say?

Go ahead and ask a friend to write out or tell you your positive qualities and your negative traits.

Now with your own profile along with positive and negative traits -- find your love story. Finding Your Love Story Sometimes misperception stands in the way of a love match and relationships keep ending sadly. A serious love scenario, in which “lifelong” is a priority, will foster happiness, good health and youthful aging. Take a chance on love. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Hidden Agendas at Home & Office with Bushism video

Rita Watson — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 05:16:58 +0000
“Do you know why men try to pick up women at bars?” he asked, “Because our women have shut us down. Then if we happen to meet another woman, even for fun, we’re the bad guys!” He added: “They force us out and want us to be celibate while we try to read their minds. I don’t want to read her mind. I want her to tell me. Show me. I said to her one day, ‘Take a look at this. It’s a car manual. See these symbols? Each one points to a problem. Pretend I’m a car. Show me what’s wrong. Make a list of what you want. I’ll try to fix it. But don’t keep telling me that ‘I don’t get it,’ because I don’t. What she doesn’t get is that we are both losing this battle.” With hidden agendas there is never a win-win and it is most often a lose-lose. In the bedroom, it creates a tension that results in lack of intimacy and lack of sex. Sexual issues are right up there with money in terms of divorce. In the boardroom -- sometimes hidden agendas work themselves out insidiously. Cashmere Mafia is a good example Decision-making tips for couples.

Speak your mind, but kindly. Both men and women with hidden agendas may be harboring contradictory wishes that they are afraid to share.

She wants to be married. He doesn’t.

She wants security. He wants sex.

She wants to retire and garden. He wants to travel.

She wants his money. He wants her companionship.

Both say nothing and they play the game.

Find the courage to speak the truth.

Negotiate terms that create greater intimacy and more loving.

In the boardroom, same goes with decisionmaking:

If you suspect someone has a hidden agenda, confront without being confrontational.

If you think part of a hidden agenda involves someone sabotaging your work, start documenting and do so clearly without emotion. Keep in mind that journal entries are often sufficient "evidence" when making your case.

If someone at your workplace has a hidden agenda that involves going after your job, say something, even if jokingly, but let that person know that you are onto them.

Words are powerful. Watch your words. Think before your speak.   Bushisms copyright 2008 ritawatson

Words, Friendship, and the Laughter Club VIDEO

Rita Watson — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 07:28:42 +0000
At a dinner party, silverware jangled each time a husband spoke and his wife snapped: “How many times do I have to tell you, that’s not how it happened?” He shrugged: “I don’t know what her agenda is this time. I don’t hear her anymore. I live an old Mexican philosophy, ‘Don’t take unkind words personally. ” They are not because of you. They are because of the one who utters them.’ Whether at home or in the workplace – there is no place for unkind words. And yet, we hear them, we speak them. Why? We say unkind things because we are hurt, or angry, or disappointed or even disgusted. Oftentimes, a man or woman will say things to his or her significant other because of a frustration at work. The frustration might come from someone taking credit for your work, or a higher up making a stupid decision that impacts your work. And so we wish we could tell that person who offends us what we really think. Most times we can’t. Although we probably all have wished for the courage (and the resources) at some point in our careers to walk into a champagne party and say, “I quit.” How can you reverse the feeling? Unfortunately we feel what we feel. But we might try developing a friendship that helps us get through life’s roller coaster. Take Denny Crane and Alan Shore on the terrace with their cigars and scotch. How about the ladies of Cashmere Mafia? And if don’t have immediate access to a person whom you can really call “friend,” then make cultivating a friendship your priority. Forget the boss. Forget work. Forget a disagreement with someone you love and consider the value of a friend who helps you to laugh. Marcel Proust has said, “Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” And Anaïs Nin says it even more poignantly: “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” For a few humorous lines.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor to Sir Winston Churchill: "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He replied, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

Decisionmaking thoughts for the day:

Make friendships a priority.

Watch your words.

Remember that silence is golden and laughter is a jewel.

The Laughter Club CNN Feature

copyright 2008 ritawatson

Are We Having Enough Sex? Or Marriage?

Rita Watson — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 03:41:06 +0000
I haven’t lost interest in the campaign — I am just wondering if we as a nation are losing interest in sex. The Durex Survey tells us that we rank pretty low on the totem pole for sexual satisfaction. Why is that? Are young people too stressed out and working too many hours to appreciate the value of a good relationship? Great-grandma was ahead of her time. When she came to America to celebrate her 90th birthday and visit her 12 children, the party invitation read: “No presents, just negligees made of French silk.” As she opened gifts she fingered the fabric and smiled, “Grazia.” When she died at 104, her young lover was 80. It was then that we learned of her amorous ways. The universities of Chicago and Toronto studied 3,005 men and women between ages 57 to 85, and reported that two-thirds of those in their 70s are having sex at least twice a month. Some continue into their 80s. An interesting finding is that while both genders admit to sexual issues, men tend to talk to their doctors about them while women tend not to. The explanation is simple. Men have an advocate in Bob Dole. War hero and retired Republican senator from Kansas, he took to the airwaves nearly 10 years ago and helped spawn an industry talking about ED — erectile dysfunction. The pharmaceutical companies still applaud him, as do content men and women. However, one 50ish friend complained: “We can’t just be a good companion on the arm of a rich, old gent anymore. Now they pop their pills and want us to perform.” The dear professor says, “Many women today say they prefer younger men. Just look at Demi Moore and Susan Sarandon. And truthfully, men like young-looking women as well.” A recent cartoon in The New Yorker may be suggesting turning of the trend Three older men with cigars are portrayed in armchairs at their private club. One asks, “What about you, Walter — how do you feel about same-age marriage?” The question should be — how do you feel about marriage and re-marriage? Most people agree that it is good for families. Good for couples. The union often ensures a ripe old age — despite theories that a dog may add more years to a man’s life than a wife. However, marriage doesn’t always ensure good sex. Why do people have sex anyway? Psychologists at the University of Texas, Austin, asked 2,000 people and compiled a list of 237 reasons. For both men and women the top three reasons stated: attraction to the person; physical pleasure; and because “it feels good.” If seniors are having more satisfying sex than younger people, attribute it to wisdom. One often hears “I wish I had more dates with my own husband, than with dinner party friends.” Or, “I just wish that the children saw us hugging and kissing more often. What kind of a role model were we?” When dual-career couples take to their separate bedrooms, they forgo the spontaneity and connection that keeps physical loving alive. Are seniors telling us that sex is really human touch — the ultimate expression of caring and friendship? In a world of chaos and uncertainty, perhaps seniors are experiencing what young couples and professionals are missing — intimate moments that restore our spirit, reaffirm our humanity, and give us reason to exchange a discreetly knowing smile. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Sex in the Senate, on Capitol Hill, and in the White House

Rita Watson — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 06:39:46 +0000
What if John McCain had sex with a lobbyist? Will it matter to the country? I’m not happy about extramarital sex, none of us should be. But we seem to be obsessed with sex in the Senate, on Capitol Hill, and in the White House. Hillary brought the subject of Bill and Monica in an ever so cautious way during her debate this evening with Obama. She said: "Everyone here knows I've lived through some crises and some challenging moments in my life." And in fact, what took place after the impeachment hearings brought a lot more scandals to light, mostly on the Republican side of the aisle. “Payback time,” said Hustler’s Larry Flynt, “and payback is a bitch.” Flynt went on a Hypocrite Hunt. http://www.crooksandliars.com/2007/07/12/larry-flynt-says-its-payback-time/ Flynt took out a full page ad in the Washington Post after the Clinton hearings to reveal scandals in DC offering $ 1 million for Sex Scandal information. http://www.shortnews.com/start.cfm?id=62861 Those who surfaced included Bob Livingston who was accused of infidelity and resigned. Another was David Vitter. http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/07/16/vitter/index.html#cnnSTCVideo Let’s not forget what happened with Senator Craig, whom police arrested in a restroom for soliciting sex. He was parodied throughout media land and even a New Yorker cover showed a footsie-toesie scene while Boston Legal did full blown episode featuring, Denny Crane! And according to the Salem-News, "Republican Sex Scandals Dwarf Those of Democrats." http://salem-news.com/articles/october172007/repub_scandals_10_17_07.php What does it all mean? Women are standing by their man. "Let he who is not guilty cast the first stone." copyright 2008 ritawatson

“How Many Times Have I Told You?” Does Not Work

Rita Watson — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 18:37:29 +0000
At Yale we taught coping skills to teenage mothers as a way to deflect anger, use words kindly, make decisions, and see problems from another person’s perspective. Words are important to me, and how one talks to another in public is always on my mind. When I was at Hunter College, in New York City, a professor admonished me in class: “Young lady, never teach beyond the second-grade level. There you will do the least damage to the English language.” More... I was crushed. It happened that another professor rescued my damaged ego and steered me into journalism – The New York Times to be exact. Writing well became the best revenge. After my daughter-in-law graduated from Teacher’s College, I began wondering if academia had embraced the positive-word concept while training teachers. Twenty years ago, Kenneth Blanchard’s book “The One Minute Manager” spawned a theory of productivity still being replicated: public praise and private criticism. I began asking professors their opinions about teaching teachers, and if they had been schooled in constructive criticism. Finally I turned to my education guru in Chicago. She told me about an article called “The Neuroscience of Leadership,” by David Rock and Jeffrey Schwartz. They point out positive ways to bring about change through solution-focused questioning because they determined that the words – “How many times have I told you?” -- do not work. Why is this? They say that “the human brain can behave like a 2-year-old: Tell it what to do and it automatically pushes back.” They noted that “Rather than lecturing and providing solutions, effective coaches ask pertinent questions and support their clients in working out solutions on their own.” In a nutshell, they suggest:  Leave problem behaviors in the past  Focus on identifying and creating new behaviors  Ask thoughtful questions, rather than dictating advice “A gentle word is the tree of life.” This is adapted from The Providence Journal articles: Words that Harm, Words that Heal From Providence Journal, October 2, 2006

Sex & Abstinence: Where Do They Stand? You Tube

Rita Watson — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 05:08:30 +0000
Sex talk. Whether we wrap it in an abstinence package or educate through a Planned Parenthood packet – we are talking about sex. In the abstinence world, the talk of sex translates into “no sex before marriage,” and it comes without the sound advice of safe sex based on good science. I was reminded of my outrage at the abstinence funding yesterday when my New Yorker arrived. A woman who looked to be nine months pregnant was sitting on a couch. Her husband, holding a telephone asks, "Honey, it's the ob-gyn. Do we want to know if it's mine or not?" This seems to be the crux of the "Virginity Rules" movement. Wait until you are married to have sex. In the cartoon we don't know if the couple is married or not -- nor do we know whose child the woman is about to deliver. Escaping the message of sex is difficult. We live in a society in which magazines, movies, and television have blurred the boundaries of propriety. Sex is so much a part of our culture that even car advertising has seductive overtones. Ironically, while we seem to be a society that likes sex, the recent Durex Survey ranks the United States at 23 out of 26 nations in terms of sexual satisfaction. Nonetheless sex was still on the minds of the “Virginity Rules” movement when Congress again debated $176 million abstinence legislation last fall. It passed and President Bush signed the measure into law and actually increased funding. The budget is available online. The irony of the Congressional approval of the legislation is that their own mandated evaluation by Mathematica Policy Research Inc. shows that abstinence education has little impact on teen sexual practice and age of first sexual experience, just under 15. Where do the candidates stand on Abstinence Only legislation? As reported in Women’s News http://www.womensenews.org/index.cfm on November 11, 2007:

Hillary Clinton has gone on record for abstinence-plus.

Barack Obama is an advocate of age-appropriate comprehensive sex education.

John McCain who now favors abstinence-only at one time favored comprehensive sex education.

Mike Huckabee in a proponent of abstinence-only.

What is the real message of abstinence education? Proponents want teens to place more value on marriage and family than on sex. That’s a good message. But tax dollars should not be funding it. However, I would support money spent for programs that instill passion, intimacy, a sense of connectedness in our young people – art, dance, filmmaking, and music. And I would favor funding for model family programs at which children might learn about ethics, friendship, intimacy, and interpersonal dynamics. My grandmother taught us about family at the dining room table. There we shared thoughts, celebrated joys, and learned to decipher the meaning of a sigh, or a half smile. Today we live in a world of fragmented families often on treadmills racing against activities and time. There are few role models. But that does not release us from our responsibilities as parents. Sex is a part of growing up. And it is up to us, not Congress, to teach our children to grow up responsibly and respectfully of others as well as themselves – with or without sex. Abstinence: Humorous YouTube copyright 2008 ritawatson

Winds of Change and the War of Words

Rita Watson — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 12:53:32 +0000
As Hillary and Obama trade charges in their war of words, I just found this in my junk mail sent to me by one of my sons. And indeed it points out the winds of change.   Decision days approach and I find myself wondering if the pendulum will keep swinging right up until they reach the Convention Hall.   I hear the words of a Robert Frost poem, "Why abandon a belief merely because it ceases to be true. Cling to it long enough and it will turn true again. So it goes. Most of the change we think we see in life are truths moving in and out of favor." Hillary’s VP, Relationships, TACT® Strategy Decisions on January 21, 2008. And now from one of our nationally syndicated columnists in Rhode Island, Froma Harrop Vaporous Obama Obscurity Irks Centrists Geraldine A. Ferraro in the New York Times this week wrote:  Got a Problem? Ask the Super (Delegates, that is) For those of you who missed the original Huffington Post on January 14th -- this is interesting reading. I attached the original link that my son sent. That's the Ticket: Clinton-Obama Unity After Super Tuesday copyright 2008 ritawatson

Yankee Stadium for NYU Grads: A Decisionmaking Flunk

Rita Watson — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 16:48:27 +0000
This post is about a decision gone awry. Imagine being a Red Sox fan all of your life and finding out that your graduation is going to take place at Yankee Stadium. Or imagine being a Yankee fan and finding yourself receiving your degree at Fenway Park.  The full link is below. From the NY POST -- February 27, 2008 -- "Thanks to construction, NYU graduates will get their diplomas this year at Yankee Stadium - giving a degree of angst to students who are Red Sox or Mets fans." Here is a quote from one of them. "Sox fan Michael Schachter is upset over the new venue, saying: 'It's unreasonable to associate such an important honor and momentous occasion with a sports franchise that has been synonymous with evil for over 100 years.'" Yankees Pitch Hit for NYU   Really now, Mr. Beckman -- in all of NYC -- the best you could do is a baseball stadium that will need tents if there is a downpour that day? As a mother, it is difficult. I raised one son in New York who is a born Yankee. The other came to Boston right after college and is a true Sox fan.  So the Sox fan, would be cheering you on today if he wasn't taking the State Bar exam. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Baseball Coaches, Good & Bad and Manny Snubs DC

Rita Watson — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 02:56:33 +0000
It was quite unplanned, the story about NYU holding graduation at Yankee Stadium and Mark Patinkin's column in the Providence Journal about baseball -- "Saving Baseball One Kid at a Time."  Patinkin makes an interesting point about the game, about our society, and especially about involving young people in what we once revered as our national passtime. He said, "My Little League team only drew from my neighborhood.... It put kids from the East Side next to teammates who showed up wearing do-rags and braided hair. It didn’t do either any harm.... Teenage boys are pretty much the same. But it was also eye-opening to see a team member have to leave a practice early to translate for his dad at a doctor’s appointment. "As in Little League, there were stand-out players and some that weren’t so good. But when you’re a team, you want to root for each other, and maybe the biggest applause of the year in my dugout was when my slowest kid finally stole a base."  Saving Baseball One Kid at a Time He reminded me of what it was like being a Little League mother.   A child's experience was totally dependent on the type of coach who led the team. Sometimes my children had role models. But I remember the coach who was so unforgiving to one player that all the mothers wanted to pounch on him and pelt him. The child who bore the brunt of his anger was his own. Where was his honor, his integrity? I remember another coach who passed over the star of a team to placate the whim of a mother who was head of the Club's board of directors. Where was his honor, his integrity? Another coach let down a child whose parents were separated. This child was a baseball star. But the coach stacked the team with kids from his own neck of the woods. The excuse given for leaving a good player off his team? "Since the parents are getting a divorce, the kid may turn to drugs, might already be doing them already for all I know." Clearly he hadn't heard that coaches as mentors can take such an opportunity to serve as a role model in a time of crisis in a young person's life? He hadn't learned that teachers and coaches are meant to build-up a child's self-esteem instead of tearing it down.  This coach had no honor. He had no integrity. But to all of those coaches who teach children the meaning of "let's play ball," thank you. Our children played on inner-city teams in New Haven. And yet, for the most part, they had coaches who believed in baseball and who believed in children. They played as a team knowing that people cared about them. Even Bart Giamatti, former President of Yale, former Commissioner of Baseball cared enough to show up at opening season to pitch the first ball. When parents find that their children are being coached by someone who really is too self-centered to lead a team -- no amount of decisionmaking skills can make it right. Speak up for your child, and the child loses. Shut your mouth, and the child might still lose. But what the child will learn is that baseball -- as with life -- is a team sport that depends upon watching your words, practicing your game, and seizing opportunties when they come your way. As for Manny Ramierz not showing up at the White House, here's what blogsters had to say: Manny Skipped the White House copyright 2008 ritawatson

Hillary and Obama: On Health Care and in Couple’s Therapy

Rita Watson — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 04:12:57 +0000
After two days of writing about baseball, will briefly talk about the game of politics. Just read on the Huffington Post a blogger's thoughts on Hillary and Obama in couples' therapy. I tried to be amused. See for yourselves. Hillary and Obama in Couples' Therapy   On the reality side is a well thought out look at Hillary and Obama on Health Care The Mandates are the Message by Froma Harrop. In some ways I wish we didn't view politics as a game, because oftentimes we are putting our lives in the hands of those whom we choose as leaders. It's a decision we should be making thoughtfully rather than getting caught up on what we believe is change. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Money, Marriage, Sex (or lack thereof) and Secrets

Rita Watson — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 05:49:34 +0000
Rita Watson: Money, marriage, sex and secrets 01:00 AM EST on Sunday, March 2, 2008/ The Providence Journal MONEY DOESN’T CARE who owns it,” was a favorite saying of our Aunti Mame. She lived lavishly even during what she called “modest times.” Once we left the nest, we realized that Aunti was right. Money does not assure good taste or good manners. It does, however, provide comfort and sometimes freedom from stress. Nonetheless even in cushy two-income households money and sex (or lack thereof) are the top reasons for divorce. It seems that more sex buys more happiness than money can buy. However, the 2008 “Love and Money” survey of 1,049 people by Money Management International (MMI) found that over 73 percent of women viewed financial know-how as a more important factor in choosing a potential partner than attractiveness. MMI is the largest nonprofit credit counseling agency in the United States. http://www.projo.com/opinion/contributors/content/CT_rita2_03-02-08_GE95S4L_v17.39c63f6.html

Women: Money, Marriage, Sex and Secrets

Rita Watson — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 04:44:30 +0000
Walking to vote today in Rhode Island I had an interesting discussion. My life coach voted her values and thought about her own daughter and Chelsea as well as the economy. I wondered about the $2.5 trillion dollar debt and quality of life. We had no debt under Bill Clinton. My column  Money, Marriage, Sex and Secrets says money tops of our concerns list.   According to WIFE.org, money can help us achieve our dreams.   Their Money Attraction Affirmation: Money can help you achieve your life dreams. We have heard this since the late Catherine Ponder first began writing about The Secrets of Prosperity. WIFE.org as Suze Orman believe in prosperity thinking for success in life. WIFE.org suggests you print out the following affirmation and read it several times a day to promote harmony in your life.

I take all steps I can to control my taxes and concentrate on building my financial future.

I focus on the positive investments I am making in my life and on creating more prosperity in the world.

We all know the saying, "Believe it, and you will achieve it. " My horoscope today said instead of seeing is believing, believe and you shall see. The above material was a part of my Talking Points Memo blog: http://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/talk/blogs/rita_watson/ copyright 2008 ritawatson

Heart Choices: Videos of Texas Caucus Chaos & Andy

Rita Watson — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 18:46:57 +0000
When it comes to making a decision, despite all the pros and cons that you might list – oftentimes it comes down to what you believe in your heart – without a doubt. Deepak Chopra * says that when we are making a choice there are two things that we should ask: "What are the consequences of this choice that I am making?" and "Will this choice that I am making now bring happiness to me and those around me?"   As for the answers, he says, "If the answer is 'yes' then go ahead with that choice?" and here is where he and I disagree slightly. He says, "If the answer is 'no' if that choice brings distress either to you or those around you, then don't make that choice."  I like to add to this, if you would be the slightest bit uncomfortable telling your best friend your decision, then it is reason to pause. Making choices with yourself If you have made choices in the past, in conversations with yourself, and eventually you were hurt by those choices, then the decision-making process becomes a bit more complicated.  Chopra says to listen to your heart. And I agree. Your heart of hearts eventually reveals the right thing. But sometimes your heart is so wrapped up in HOPE that it side-steps what is best for you in the long run. And this is where friends can oftentimes be helpful. Betraying the sisterhood: manipulative and jealous Women's groups were tough on my book Sisterhood Betrayed. It was all about choices.  But in the book, I revealed secrets of manipulative women in hopes that we could all become sufficiently appalled to say, "Enough." I wished to see both women and men working together and in the process, those women moving into positions of power might bring others along with them. So it is interesting to see the backlash of women with regard to Hillary. I thought that the women I wrote about 10 years ago were women of the past; these were:

Women who sabotaged.

Women who prevented women from succeeding.

Women who stored up and used "sympathy stories and tears" to play on the hearts of men.

Jealous women in competition with young daughters --"daddy's little girl" -- of husbands and lovers.

Why reveal the syndromes in the first place? Because we all have the potential for helping or hurting another. All women benefit when they can face themselves. In making choices, good friends hold a mirror up to our faces even when we don't want to look. And having true friends of the opposite sex can be a balance bonus and a blessing. Mirrors and videos in politics In politics we need many mirrors and a camera lens. If anyone really believed that the Texas Two Step was a good idea, feast your eyes and ears on chaos.  Texas Caucus Chaos.   You will soon see why it is easy to say, "Froma Harrop, we are with you." Close Down the Caucuses Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes says that he is already tired of the presidential campaign and we are still trying to determine a candidate. In pondering who would even want to be president, he wonders about the house itself. If Hillary and Bill move back in – who gets the big closet? Why be president? On another political decision, enter Howard Dean suggesting a way of changing the rules in order to seat the Florida and Michigan delegates. There were rules. The states knew the consequences. They took their chances. While there may well be a negotiated settlement at the Convention, the notion of redoing the primary is basically changing the rules in mid-stream. Howard Dean trying to negotiate a changing of the rules. * Deepak Chopra: The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success copyright 2008 ritawatson

Her Breasts Have Their Day in Court

Rita Watson — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 17:04:50 +0000
The size of her breasts saved the day! The "get out of jail free card" for a Japanese bikini model turned out to be her breasts. Despite allegations from her boyfriend that she kicked in his door and climbed through,   an investigation proved otherwise.  It seems that full breasts simply would not have made it through the hole. No word on whether or not her boyfriend was in fact cheating on her. And if he was, he didn't deserve you. Breasts and Her Day in Court copyright 2008 ritawatson

Spitzer Sex Scandal: Rising Star Joins the Falling Stars

admin — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 04:34:47 +0000
Never mind the fact that word in Washington is that Republicans pay more for prostitutes than Democrates, the fact seems to be that the men whom we send to lead us in Washington are being led by their raging hormones. Crooks and Liars carries this story and the video. They report that “Gov. Eliot Spitzer has been caught on a federal wiretap arranging to meet with a high-priced prostitute at a Washington hotel last month, according to a person briefed on the federal investigation.”But some are asking – was Gov. Eliot Spitzer set up? Is this a way to turn a rising star into a falling star? Isn't this kind of thing usually handled at the state level? No, I am not cutting him slack. I am often too outspoken about adultery – "for every time you cheat, you will be cheated!" But the Bible is a bit more tolerant that I am: “Let he who is not guilty cast the first stone.” In the latest sex scandal, here is the story on Gov. Spitzer on Crooks and Liars In terms of Democrats and Republican scandals – they don’t quite seem equal. Remember Vittner? This link bears a second look at the man who allegedly paid for sex, the man who called for Clinton’s impeachment. Here he is returning to the Senate to applause: Republicans Celebrate Hypocrisy **********   While Rita is recovering from a concussion -- no not hit on the head by a Republican -- here is an earlielr column that bears repeating. Your MBA on campus ***************** Sex in the Senate, Sex in the States, Sex Scandals Abound What if John McCain had sex with a lobbyist? Will it matter to the country? I’m not happy about extramarital sex, none of us should be. But we seem to be obsessed with sex in the Senate, on Capitol Hill, and in the White House. Hillary brought the subject of Bill and Monica in an ever so cautious way during her debate this evening with Obama. She said: “Everyone here knows I’ve lived through some crises and some challenging moments in my life.” And in fact, what took place after the impeachment hearings brought a lot more scandals to light, mostly on the Republican side of the aisle. “Payback time,” said Hustler’s Larry Flynt, “and payback is a bitch.” Flynt went on a Hypocrite Hunt. Payback Flynt took out a full page ad in the Washington Post after the Clinton hearings to reveal scandals in DC offering $ 1 million for Sex Scandal information. More on Scandals Those who surfaced included Bob Livingston who was accused of infidelity and resigned. Another was David Vitter. CNN onPOLITICS/ Let’s not forget what happened with Senator Craig, whom police arrested in a restroom for soliciting sex. He was parodied throughout media land and even a New Yorker cover showed a footsie-toesie scene while Boston Legal did full blown episode featuring, Denny Crane! And according to the Salem-News, “Republican Sex Scandals Dwarf Those of Democrats.” Republican scandals What does it all mean? Women are standing by their man. Perhaps they are thinking “Let he who is not guilty cast the first stone.” copyright 2008 ritawatson

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New Look and Feel for Decisionmakingtips.com

admin — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 19:43:24 +0000
You may have noticed we are putting a fresh face on decisionmakingtips.com. Please be patient with us as we update and get our new look up and running. If you have any questions - feel free to an email to info@decisionmakingtips.com Thanks for your support! Rita & Ferol

Geraldine, Hillary, and Obama: Betraying the Sisterhood by Revealing Women’s Ways

MBA on campus — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 03:46:36 +0000
While Rita is recovering from a concussion, I'm going to take over for a while. I think Geraldine Ferraro is right that the media is not playing Hillary as well as Obama – and let’s face it, the issue isn’t one of color, it is one of youth. I like youth, I’m not 25 yet. The biggest Obama irony is that the new face on the block is selling “Change.”   And yet who are the two men that will probably be his advisors? Two men from the old boy network of political dynasties – Ted Kennedy and Chris Dodd.   How does that differ from the Clinton’s? I’m studying lots about interpersonal dynamics. Geraldine should have focused on the TIMES article that portrays Obama as seeking the limelight rather than slogging it through the halls of Congress. Star Power, Minor Role Betraying the sisterhood by revealing manipulation and jealousy I always liked knowing how women think. Being in graduate school in business really shows you different decisionmaking strategies. I read reviews of Rita’s Sisterhood Betrayed. It gave her a Today Show appearance, but angered women. She revealed secrets of conniving women because she always says that she hopes women will become sufficiently appalled to say, “Enough.” In business and in politics, women moving into positions of power should bring others along with them. So it is interesting to see the backlash of women with regard to Hillary. I had added this note to one of her columns a few weeks ago. It bears repeating as we wonder what Geraldine was thinking when she made remarks that offended those in the Hillary and Obama camps. Weren’t these the women of the past?

Women who sabotaged.

Women who used words to harm rather than heal.

Women who prevented women from succeeding.

Women who stored up and used stories that evoked “sympathy and tears” to play on the hearts of men.

And what about:

Jealous women in competition with young daughters of husbands and lovers who were –”daddy’s little girl.”

Mothers and daughters jealous of each other.

Duplicitious women and office wives jealous of their bosses's wives.

Why did she reveal all of this first place? From a guy’s perspective, I'm happy. It helps us to learn how women think. From a woman’s perspective, Rita likes to say, “All women benefit when they can face themselves. In making choices, good friends hold a mirror up to our faces even when we don’t want to look. And having true friends of the opposite sex can be a balance, a bonus and a blessing.”  --Your MBA on Campus copyright 2008 decisionmakingtips.com

Before You Take That Job! I’m tired of politics, am thinking about a job!

MBA on campus — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 05:36:13 +0000
Just because I am sick and tired of sex scandals and the campaign, I thought I might talk about something that I a lot about -- taking a job now that I'm finishing up my first year getting a business management degree. (Rita is taking a break to recover from her concussion). There has been a lot on the Internet these days keeping the job you've got Don't Quit that Job Just Yet and about Dating Co-Workers . But the important thing is to find a job!   Decision-making Tips: Before Taking a New Job 1. Determine the general reputation of the business. 2. If it is a small business, ask people whom you know. 3. If it is a large company, check out their website. 4. Go to your local or national newspapers to see what types of articles are written about the company. 5. Ask to see a copy of their annual report. 6. Ask people whom you know if they know anyone who is or was working with the company. If so, try to get an honest appraisal. 7. Ask about the company policies regarding days off, vacation time, sick time, medical and dental benefits. 8. Ask about the employee turnover rate. 9. Stop by the company as people are leaving work and take a look at the expressions on their faces. 10. If there is a local coffee shop where employees congregate, stop by before accepting the position. You will learn a lot from their smiles or frowns. 11. Before you accept the position be certain you have a letter clarifying your responsibilities. 12. If you do not receive a letter, send one yourself. 13. Clarification letters should be friendly and positive outlining your expectations. 14. Ask about the training period or if you will be expected to learn on the job. 15. Find out if you will be working independently or with a team. 16. If you are part of a team, try to find out what happened to the person who you will be replacing. 17. If you will be working independently, be certain you meet the person to whom you will be reporting. 18. Ask if there are weekly meetings with your supervisor or manager. 19. Find out how long the person to whom you are reporting has been in the organization. 20. If he or she has been there less than six months, ask what their goals are and their expectations for you. 21. Ask what is considered success. 22. Determine how you are evaluated, through one on one or through multi-rater 360 computerized system. 23. Make a list of your own expectations. 24. Ask about promotion policies, bonuses, and raises. 25. Make a realistic assessment as to how long it will take you to get to work and home again each day. 26. If you need day care services, find out which ones are available. 27. Ask to see your workspace. 28. If it is a shared space, ask yourself if it meets your needs in terms of cleanliness, neatness, workability. 29. Find out if you will have the necessary equipment to do the job whether it is a computer or a broom. 30. Ask yourself – is this the type of company where I would like to spend eight hours or more per day. Here is Fortune's listing of The Best Companies for Women -- Best Companies for Women And most of all -- Good Luck!   MBA on Campus

“With WHAT was Spitzer thinking?” or A Betrayal of Trust

Rita Watson — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 18:08:36 +0000
Rita is chomping at the bit on this one about Spitzer.   We are not letting her blog until she gets past the concussion rest phase which has not clouded her opinions. Readers know where she stands on the issue of adultry. "It's wrong. PERIOD." And is quick to admit the Bible is more forgiving, "Let he who is not guilty..." In answer to everyone's question, ''What was he thinking?" She says the question is "With WHAT was he thinking? Certainly not his brain." Then she'll tick off friends who think with their  "----s. " And add, ""If you need a roll in the hay with someone other than your spouse, it's called "Talk to each other. Find the problem. Get therapy. Get help. Then FORGIVE. FORGIVE. FORGIVE." But I'm writing this first so here is my take on the whole thing. First off -- as a guy about to get married, I can't even imagine such a thing. The guy in "Sideways" gives all of us a bad name. But a lot of my friends think it was a great movie.   Paul Giamatti is the best. But this guy Spitzer, he lets down his his wife, his children, and the State filled with his constituents. It's called a betrayal of trust. The trust thing is big. And when I talk to guys they say that men stray when:

Wives or girlfriends nag

Talk with an attitude to them and always putting them down

Have that bitchy voice

Or they have such a good thing that they think they don't deserve it
So why do they stay? Another blog post. Back to Spitzer.
Now about this sex worker and the VIP Service.... can't someone sue them for false advertising? It doesn't look as if she could pass the test of discreet and tasteful. Actually it is all pretty distasteful. But somewhere, someone was out to get this guy. Spitzer was stupid but somewhere along the way he was set up. He pissed off someone who is saying now, "Gottcha."   -- MBA on Campus copyright 2008 decisionmakingtips.com

The Governor’s Integrity, Sex Worker, and Wife

Rita Watson — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 10:53:48 +0000
While Governor Spitzer's call girl is filing a lawsuit against the media, we are so caught up in the fact that he paid for sex that we are forgetting that in his work, he was a man of integrity. (Reader comments, March 13, disagree) The story doesn't want to go away. The young lady who is about to land a music contract is talking of a copyright violation of pictures that she posted all over the Internet.  As one CNN commentator noted, “from shame to fame” and now she wants more. Out of respect for the Governor’s family, isn’t it time for the Ashley Dupre to take the money and run?   She has already been given immunity from prosecution, claims she wants privacy, and is still making noise. Is she suing the media? The Abuse Card She didn’t get too much sympathy from one of our blogger's comments yesterday who feels she may have played the abuse card. (See March 13 blog comments). I need to think about that one. There are good statistics that show that young women who have been abused do become sex workers. As such, conditions at home may have put her on this path. This is a widely accepted view by researchers and clinicians but some question the empirical evidence. His Integrity But right now, I am thinking about the Governor’s wife and children. And I am wondering who really tipped off the feds? Something in the case doesn’t smell like roses. Froma Harrop, acknowledging his indescretion says, "But in his role as the Sheriff of Wall Street,. . . . He was on patrol when almost no one else was." At Least Admire Spitzer for His Foes His Wife About the Governor’s wife – She seemed pained and stricken. Did she know?   Did they have an arrangement? And is it any of our business? One wonders why such a thing could have happened? Was it about his sexual appetite or because of issues at home.   Dr. Laura Blames His Wife . Shame on her for judging. Sometimes even when life at home is perfect, some men -- and women -- cannot take that much "Halleluia" and they sabotage themselves. It is not for us to judge. The sad reality here is that a family is broken because of a betrayal of trust. The family has lost their wholeness. The State of New York has lost a crusader. / Rita Watson (It's good to be back!)

Cheater’s Website and Stand by Your Man Video

Rita Watson — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 05:05:52 +0000
The Governor's call girl scandal has been sharing the news with AshleyMadison.com, the website for cheaters. It seems that a certain newspaper carried a full page ad next to the Spitzer story. Were they saying, "If you had used our services instead of VIP you wouldn't have been caught because we make millions protecting people who cheat?" NPR carried both stories: The website with the motto, "Life is short. Have an Affair," and the story of the Spitzer resignation: Cheater's Website and Spitzer. With so many people out there cheating, it makes one wonder about marriage. Fortunately, there are some who still believe in their marriage vows, "in good times and bad, in sickness and in health." For those who wonder why did Silda stand by her man, take a look at Fox News. Standing by Their Man. / Rita Watson Comments: For those of your who question the Governor's decisionmaking skills, we question them as well. One reader on March 13th felt he was taken in by what may be the "sympathy scenario" while others showed no mercy./ Ferol, MBA on Campus copyright 2008 decisionmakingtips.com

Titillating Toilets with Sexy Models

Rita Watson — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 16:56:32 +0000
With all the accusations of "He said" and "She said" I am taking a political scandals break to find some his and hers fun! And here it is at a Shopping Mall in Portugal. In the men's room the urinals are flanked by scantily dressed female manniquins in provocative poses. And the women are finding their male models just as interesting. No decision needed here -- It might be worth a trip to Portugal or you can just be an armchair tourist...or voyeur. Sexy Models in Public Toilets   (Just be patient to get through the commercial.) I already know what some of you are thinking -- why just men in the ladies' room and ladies in the mens' room? / Rita Watson

Political Sex, Gay Trysts, and Adultry: Signs and Forgiveness

Rita Watson — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 18:45:18 +0000
First it was Spitzer and the call girl, followed by the Governor of New Jersey’s alleged weekly threesome sex with his wife and their chauffer, and now the new Governor of New York David Peterson is admitting to an affair. Spare us the details! I was barely able to listen to Jimmy Carter talk about committing adultery in his heart and now it seems as if adultery is the name of the game. With Bill Clinton for some reason or another there seemed to be such hypocrisy surrounding the impeachment that -- despite our anger at his reckless behavior – we were still cheering for Bill and Hillary. In fact, what outraged me more than Bill and Monica was seeing the self-righteous twice married Joe Lieberman casting stones while our President was in another nation working his diplomatic magic abroad. Whatever is happening with Dina Matos McGreevey and her former husband the former Governor who announced he was gay? The London papers were quick to report on the sexual trysts of the McGreevey’s and their chauffer. For their daughter’s sake we should all be saddened to see the New Jersy affair back in the public eye. The UK Telegraph Tells All Back to New York -- Michelle and David Peterson did what one would expect of couples – they talked it over and worked it out. And frankly, the indiscretion should still have remained a family issue. In thinking about the political wives – Congratulations to Hillary – she set a standard of dignity for Silda Spitzer, for Dina Matos, for Michelle Peterson even. Family first! Cheating and The Forgiveness Factor If you are wondering what cues you might look for with regard to cheating – here they are: Cheating Signs But let’s be mindful of one important relationship rule – if someone in a relationship is cheating, if you start with forgiveness then working on the marriage will happen naturally. The religious writers are quick to tell us that those who do not forgive do the real damage -- to their own hearts and souls. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Sexercise: Spice Up Your Life, Your Marriage

Rita Watson — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:30:07 +0000
The blogs and papers are filled with stories of sex. And now that Hillary Clinton’s papers from her White House days have been released we will be reading about ever more sex – sex between Bill and Monica, that is. Politicians seem to be having more sex than the rest of society. It is estimated that in the US some 20 million marriages are essentially sexless arranagements – sexless generally defined as having sex about once a month. What is it that causes a lack of desire?   While it could be a health problem, most often it is boredom. Most couples experiment at the beginning of marriage, but as times goes on, it becomes same old, same old. To spice things up in the bedroom, here is some advice from Scott Haltzman, MD, who wrote The Secrets of Happily Married Men and just published The Secrets of Happily Married Women. Spice up your sex life Couples who have been avoiding away from sex, should reconsider the benefits. According to some new students, Sex could be better for your health than diet and exercise.  Sex over exercise Why? It eases stress, boosts your heart health, fights aging, and strengthens the immune system.   In fact, even just once a week sex is beneficial. But for those who prefer actual exercise, but are not likely to get to a gym, here is some good news. You don’t have to walk miles and miles each day. Just 30 minutes three times a week is said to benefit you mind and body. Walk away to health   The secret to a healthy life is to get moving!

Imus: The Dubious Honor

Rita Watson — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 06:19:07 +0000
Politically Incorrect Imus. Decision Making Tip #1 Think before you speak. Nappy Headed Phrase Story. Otherwise this speaks for itself.

Confession: Online, at the Mall, in a Paper Shredder

Rita Watson — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 15:59:20 +0000
Rita Watson:   While everyone seems to be airing their dirty linen in public, or confessing past sins, or repudiating pastor’s words or distancing themselves from Churches, the media is reminding us that we still have the option of online confession or the use of paper shredders. Christians around the world are still in Holy Week about to celebrate Easter.   Catholics are urged to go to confession at least once a year and that time is during Easter. Is it any wonder that we are seeing more confession stories emerge? Confessions on line: According to one CNN story, “Already a repository for too much information from bloggers divulging their every intimate thought, the Web recently extended its reach into territory the church once dominated. Tens of thousands of the guilty among us are visiting confessional booths at ivescrewedup.com, mysecret.tv and dailyconfessions.com and unburdening themselves anonymously." Your sins are forgiven online Confessions at the Mall: The Capuchin fathers are hearing confessions at a mall in Colorado Springs, Colorado apparently 11 hours a day. The Prudential Center Mall in Boston has a chapel where Mass and Confession are availble daily to shoppers of high end fashion. Confession Makes a Comeback, the Wall Street Journal Confession and Paper Shredders: The Catholic Church is making Confession a top priority. This February at the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI instructed priests to make confession a priority and surprisingly Protestant churches are promoting this as well – but making it less intimidating by suggesting wirting sins on paper and rocks. You can find confession online at YouTube or Google. But here is the problem as I see it.  Online takes away from us the often painful but personal contact of admitting to another human being that we are frail and we do sin. But there is a simple way out. Consider living by the Golden Rule: Do unto others and you would wish them to do unto you. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Confessing Adultry via Push Button: A Video Laugh

Rita Watson — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 03:07:06 +0000
Here is a YouTube spoof that you might enjoy. Watch what happens when a young Italian man, with two older women watching, goes into a confessional only to find it is a "press button" system. He tries to confess the most popular sin of the month, adultry, in Automatic Confession! Remember to read yesterday's post Confessions On Line, At the Mall, in a Shredder. /RW

Chocolate Videos from Body Rub to Easter Egg

Rita Watson — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 06:24:19 +0000
You can eat it, admire it, or have it rubbed onto your body – chocolate! From the $10,000 Fabrege egg, which is equal to 5,000 bars of chocolate, to chocolate beauty products from Lush, there are many ways to indulge. Chocolate Spa Rub While it appears that having it rubbed onto you at a spa, or at home with a lover, is a perfect way to keep off the pounds, there is a slight problem. After a Spa chocolate rub, most women feel a need to savor the flavor on their tongues. So perhaps simply admiring the chocolate from afar is the safest way to decadence. A Chocolate Fabrege Egg . copyright 2008 ritawatson

The Guy Who Brought Down Spitzer

Rita Watson — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 01:39:24 +0000
Yes, Spitzer was set up! As your man on campus said back when, "Actually it is all pretty distasteful. . . . But somewhere he pissed off someone (a Republican operative) who is now saying 'Gottcha.'” Spitzer Stoned

The Cards called Adultery, Blame, Call Girl, Gay, Gender, Race, and Abuse

Rita Watson — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 09:49:15 +0000
With everyone seeming to be playing cards called Adultery, Blame, Call Girl, Gay, Gender, Race, and even Abuse, can someone please reshuffle the deck and add cards called forgiveness, sympathy, acceptance, understanding, and honesty in relationships?   The Adultery card: It is being played from Mistress Day, February 13th in case you were wondering where your SO was, to AshleyMadison.com, the service for those who have lost all respect for the integrity of marriage. Mistress_day The Blame Card: I’m now getting tired of it – the name calling and labeling. When Silda Spitzer stood next to her husband, the former Governor of New York – the Eliot Ness of Wall Street -- Dr. Laura said she had to share responsibility for her husband’s behavior.   Dr. Laura Blames His Wife The Call Girl Card: The newspapers and the media called Ashley a call girl and a prostitute. I share blame for being politically incorrect – she is a sex worker and back in 2001 I did a book that talked about the politically correct term. The Gay Card: The Governor of New Jersey and his wife have resurfaced and we are inundated with news of the gay card. Was she part of a ménage a trios or wasn’t she? Did she know the governor was gay, or didn’t she? I don’t care really, I do care about their child and what she will one day be hearing about what is becoming an ugly “he said” and “she said.”   The UK Telegraph Tells All The Race Card: We’re hearing it with every political commentary. Can we let it be instead of accusing? The Gender Card: Frankly I wish they would play that more often.  Without Feminism, we would have no Family Medical Leave, no day care standards, no corporate ladder for climbing, and we might still be earning 63 cents on the dollar. The Abuse Card: It is demeaning to one's self and other women whenever the abuse card is played to evoke sympathy from a man as a way to draw him into a relationship.  Reader's Comment   And it is demeaning to other women whenever the abuse card is played to squeeze a man for more money. Paul McCarthy’s ex-wife, who hurled charges at the former Beetle, was chastised by the judge. She then showed her true colors in court when she poured a glass of water over the head of Paul’s lawyer. It is time to reshuffle the deck or find a new one. We lose our integrity every time we point a finger. We lose our integrity every time we are manipulative. We lose our integrity every time we label. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Wild Sex in Cancun, Sexless in the US

Rita Watson — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 01:29:34 +0000
Spring Break’s March Madness in Cancun is being dubbed 10 days of drinking and sex while in the US 20 million marriages go sexless. In Cancun, girls are going wild and boys even wilder – is it a ritual or an excuse?   In Cancun women are preparing themselves for the beauty pageant of life, to attract a man. For some it is a dangerous preparation for the trip as they starve themselves to reach an ideal weight of 100 pounds or less. For others it is a rite of passage. For all of the women it is a sad commentary. Women Rebranding Raunch As Confidence.    After the letting go and letting loose, hopefully students will emerge with a desire to get off the Congo Bongo floor where they are found to be hopelessly drunk - and move on. March Madness in Cancun.     Spring Break Safety Tips Kind Words as an Aphrodisiac -- Secrets of the Happily Married There are many reasons for marriages without sex. But of 4,000 men interviewed by sexologist Bob Berkowitz 68 percent blamed their wives.   While the two books that I am suggesting are terrific, the most powerful of all aphrodisiacs still happens to be kind and loving words. In today’s harried society, too often couples snipe instead of speak. Women criticize instead of praise. Then they wonder why husbands don’t feel like intimacy. And vice versa. Help for Sexless Marriages If your bedroom life needs spicing up, The Secrets of Happily Married Women, and The Secrets of Happily Married Men are easy reads. Scott Haltzman, MD, a Brown University assistant professor and psychiatrist writes a breezy book that acknowledges that men and women think differently. However, in terms of feelings – both want love and affection. copyright 2008 ritawatson

A Good Book, Sex, or Forgiveness Helps Sleep

Rita Watson — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 05:17:35 +0000
Whether it takes a good book, good music, or good sex to send you off to dreamland, do what it takes -- even if you have to forgive someone and have make-up sex. You owe it to your health, your body, and your mind. Physicians at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center have determined that missing even one hour of sleep a night can impair your thinking and stiffle your ability to make good decisions. So ignore the new New Yorker cartoon that says, "Look, if we never went to bed angry we'd never sleep." Anger keeps you awake. There is also something Biblical about anger -- a phrase which my grandmother often quoted: "Never let the sun set on your anger." Anger makes you toss and turn. AND the real problem with anger is that it harms you, not the person or situation that is the object of your anger. Ever wonder about the way in which you sleep? Take a look at these sleep positions and learn what each says about you. Sleep Patterns Tell   Or Read this WebMD feature. Sleep-Disorders . Chronic sleep deprivation, even if you only lose one or two hours of sleep a night, will impact your ability to make good choices. So the decision here is an obvious one -- to sleep, perchance to dream. copyright 2008 ritawatson BLOG POSTS ON THE HORIZON -- A Gay Move to Enjoy A Straight Bar; Popping the Question from His Perspective; Sisterhood Betrayed; More Secrets from Happily Marrieds

Men’s Staying Power and Women’s Sex Drive

Rita Watson — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 04:06:03 +0000
There seems to be a lot of talk about a female sexual arousal disorder these days, and it is no secret that men’s testosterone levels decrease after 40. While men have been quick to take advantage of both hormones and the “little blue pill” hawked by Senator Robert Dole women have had little hope until recently. It seems that a patch called transdermal testosterone might be beneficial to women.   Cars, Desire, and Joy (online)Try transdermal testosterone - Take time to cut holiday stress (newspaper) (Dec 2007)   While some pharmaceuticals are looking for the magic little pill, it seems that the patch, which is used for low testosterone in men, might be just what the doctor orders for women. The Patch forMen However there are natural libido enhancers: from foods such as asparagus, avocado, chili peppers, chocolate, oysters, and truffles to exercise and yoga. For men Yoga is said to increase create muscle stamina, provide longer staying power, and create the ability and agility to try more positions. For couples, it is a sexual romantic warm-up. Make a decision to give it a try. Libido boosters copyright 2008 ritawatson

Politics Makes Strange Bedfellows

Rita Watson — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 01:00:15 +0000
When Nadar posted an open letter to Clinton suggesting she hang in there, was he wondering if the Casey family was getting even at the Clintons with the Obama endorsement? The elder Casey, an anti-abortion Catholic, was not given prime time to speak at the Convention when Bill was nominated for president. The state's conservatives were none too happy with the Clintons back in 1992.  The elder Casey's stand on abortion and gun control made the party nervous. Now Casey, Jr., also a Catholic and an anti-abortion supporter, had a chance to avenge his father with his high profile endorsement of Obama. One would hope that the Obama endorsement is sincere and not simply a "my turn." Nadar to Hillary With the election taking a few too many "jab" turns, the TACT®  Strategies come in handy. Take a Minue, Assess the Situation, Consider the Alternatives, and Take a Stand.

Gadgets, Hints, and Decisions

Rita Watson — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 12:16:20 +0000
I am not much of a Hints from Heloise person -- but these household tips are worth repeating. What do they have to do with relationships or decisions? When you've dropped your husband or lover's cell phone into a puddle, sink, or toilet -- its a help to know how to dry it out without damaging it with a hair dryer. And a quick dry out decision is a relationship saver! And I love the idea of putting an alarm inside of a wine glass to really reverberate if you are foolish enough to agree to drive to the airport in the middle of the night. Lots of technie hints with this link. Technie Household Hints

Gay Crashing and Gaiety at Straight Bars

Rita Watson — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 03:57:12 +0000
Nightlife in Boston will never be the same. The tavern that calls itself the oldest in America – the Bell in Hand -- had some new visitors and gaiety recently. It seems that an email from Guerrilla Queer Bar, which goes to members, designates a straight bar for gay members to visit – en masse. According to the Weekly Dig Che Guevara-styled Cher pins were handed out to the crowd. The practice of going to bars that many have felt “off limits” began in San Francisco nearly ten years ago and has been catching on in other cities as well. The mingling seems to broaden horizons and raise eyebrows. The Boston chapter of Guerilla Queer Bar was founded by Daniel Heller and Josh Gerber. What's the decisionmaking tip here? When you are wondering if you should push the envelope, do it! Step outside of your comfort zone. Take a chance on adventure and network! copyright 2008 ritawatson

The Dictionary of Love and Danger: For Men Only

Rita Watson — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 04:05:04 +0000
It is no secret that men and women interpret love and romance differently. While we do want women to weigh in on this one, we are responding to the voices of women and the questions of men. But we would like to stress that these word definitions can apply to any couple regardless of gender. The 2008 Valentine’s Day “Love and Money” survey of 1,049 people by Money Management International (MMI) found that over 73 percent of women viewed financial know-how as a more important factor in choosing a potential partner than attractiveness. Men opted for a woman’s looks. So if men and women see things differently, then we probably need to agree with those who believe that men are from one planet and the women from another. Although the good professor still insists that "women rule the world and men often just step aside."  Is that true?   Today we are starting a dictionary – every few days we will post a new definition or two until we compile all of the letters of the alphabet into an e-book. Tune in tonight as we begin the A's of love and danger. And for now enjoy a laugh courtesy of Hillary and Obama. Hillary and Obama Disco Dance Copyright 2008 The Dictionary of Love and Danger: For Men Only by Rita Watson from FEV Publications

The A’s of Love and Danger: Adoration

Rita Watson — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 01:38:55 +0000
As promised, a Dictionary of Love and Danger: For Men Only and here it starts with just one word listed under "A" --adoration. There are plenty more, and we will get to them, but for now it is adoration. When two people first meet, and there is an immediate connection, there are fireworks. You believe in love at first sight and don’t want to hear that love is blind. In fact, you both feel as if you were touched by the same star. Now here comes the difference with the genders. Men I know will tell me that they found their heaven on earth, their sun, moon, and stars, or their life soul mate. And despite their loving smile, they will still talk about looking past a few flaws such as possessiveness, nagging, or jealousy. Why? Because the sex is so good and there is a connection. Men see the flaws as a challenge or may feel that as a protector, they can negotiate around what they see as slight imperfections. The difference between men and women Women will walk on air for a few weeks and then get right to work trying to change their man -- and sometimes for good reason. The men in their naivete, vulnerability, good-heartedness, or just plain “cluelessness” will believe that love conquers all. This early stage of love is often infatuation --it is filled with inexplicable passion, urgency, and almost addictive need to be with the other person with whom they are completely absorbed. It is the first stage of romance.    The danger -- As some Tibetan masters say, “Love that ignites quickly, burns out suddenly.”   Love is a building process and a learning process that enriches and supports without tension. I was impressed tonight to when a sensitive gentleman at our neighborhood "Cheers" told me that he was reading M. Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled" once again. Why? He was trying to understand the essence of love.   We all travel down various paths in this search for love. The joy comes when two people meet along the way, choose each other honestly, and have the courage to leave the hidden agendas by the side of the road. (Yes, agendas are in the A list as well as attraction). Need some scenarios? Tune in tomorrow. *Copyright 2008 Rita Watson from The Dictionary of Love and Danger: For Men Only, an FEV Publication

The A’s of Love and Danger: Attraction

Rita Watson — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 02:45:29 +0000
Attraction, from our Dictionary of Love and Danger, is a dynamic word. It implies movement, a drawing in. When you are attracted to someone they draw you into their presence, their being, their secrets. But when that happens, do you ever ask yourself why? Are you attracted to positive qualities, their neediness, or is there something devilish you see that creates a feeling of danger? Attraction to positive qualities will enhance both of you. In fact, it is helpful to look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “What is about me that this person finds attractive? How can we help each other to grow together?" Are you attracted enough to each other wake up each morning and say, “How can I give this person I care so much about a happier, stress free day?”   Can you then follow-through? The danger: The downside of attraction is manipulation, obsessiveness (which can become fatal) and jealousy. Opposites attracting:   Too many of us attract our opposing opposite, someone whose value system so differs from our own that the relationship becomes a fraud. Think in terms of givers and receivers.   When givers are attracted to receivers, it is a classic clash of opposing opposites attracting. Receives are always ready to take all of the goodness you are able to give and they want all of you.   But it is hard to tell and it takes a while before you discover the deception. Obsessive attraction: As our MBA on Campus notes the classic case of obsessive attraction, "These are the women who can find their guys in hotels, on airplanes, at the Rent-a-Car place half-way across the world. Then if we confront and ask, 'Are you checking up on me?' we get that sad look or hurt voice that says, 'I just wanted to bring you a surprise,'   Or, 'I wanted to leave you a good night message at your hotel because you were so far away.'    This is the same woman who will text and call your cell phone 10 times a day." Why is it that givers are attracted to receivers? Because the world is full of nurturers -- mothers and fathers at heart who are always ready to kiss the wound, make it better, and convince themselves they are not being duped. But in thinking of a partner, think about someone who enhances the qualities that you would like to see become more vibrant and alive, someone who will make you want to wake up in the morning and say, "Hello World." *Copyright 2008 Rita Watson from The Dictionary of Love and Danger: For Men Only, an FEV Publication

Finding Love in the City

Rita Watson — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 03:01:44 +0000
"Who's Your City" is a new book that will help singles make choices about where to live based upon their prospects of finding a mate. Want to know where to find a surplus of singles? Richard Florida has the answers. Just as a for instance, Boston has 1, 600 more single women than single men where as New York and New Jersey have about 200,000 more single women than men. But Los Angeles, Long Beach and Santa Ana have nearly 90,000 more single men than women. So find your place before finding that job -- if you are looking for love, that is. copyright 2008 ritawatson

The A’s of Love and Danger: Adultery

Rita Watson — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 02:51:36 +0000
Adultery – as we continue along the Dictionary of Love and Danger for Men Only, many women are thinking -- he knows what that is about. In fact, one website we list here points out that women are moving up there along with men who cheat. It is rather sad that there is even a website AshleyMadison.com for adulterers and adultresses. We don’t recommend the site because we believe in the law of karma. If you cheat, you will be cheated. Also there is good evidence that if you are involved with a married women, who is lying to her husband about you, she is probably lying to you about him. Who is doing the cheating these days? Both men and women.  "After researching women's sexuality for more than ten years, I can honestly say that most of our societal beliefs about females are grossly distorted and many are completely erroneous," says Michelle Langley, author of Women's Infidelity on her website. Womens Infidelity Love and danger: Where is the love and danger here? In terms of adultery there is usually danger. But many men think they are in love with the other woman. And many women believe that their lover will leave their wives just for them. Artificial setting: What is mistaken for love is the artificial relationship, the loving that we think is simple and pure and sweet because it is out of context with life. Love and passion work so well together when one is on vacation, when there are no children around, when there is no work to attend to, when there is no day to day routine of what life is all about. And so hiding within the artifical world of "an affair" one pretends to find love and instead finds that love is simply a lie. Stop, Don't: Here is one website that encourages you to stop that divorce and take a look at that affair. "More often than not, adultery isn't the cause of divorce; it's just one of the symptoms." Read about adultery and how it can ruin your marriage, but what you might do to stop that divorce nonetheless from the Alabama Family Law Center. Divorce info *Copyright 2008 Rita Watson from The Dictionary of Love and Danger: For Men Only, an FEV Publication

Optimal Duration for Sex

Rita Watson — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 03:04:33 +0000
Want to know how long it takes in bed for an optimal intimate experience? According to a study about to be published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, that time would be 3 - 13 minutes. But the average time is 7.3 minutes. Therapists wanted the answers and so a four week study of 1,500 couples was conducted in 2005 according the the Associated Press today. The study did point out that prior research indicated that both men and woman wanted foreplay to last longer than the average times cited. Make the decision to make the time to make loving last a bit longer. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Who Is Doing Housework and a Diamond Thong

Rita Watson — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 02:38:10 +0000
A new report says that husbands create housework for women! But in terms of who is doing the housework -- last year a report said that it was the live-in boyfriends and not the husbands. Here are links to both of those stories. Are the boyfriends really all that diligent? Who is cleaning up? It seems that men create seven hours more work for women but only save themselves on hour of cleaning up when they get married. Can you figure the math? Men create work Hopefully during that one hour they are not oggling women in thongs, diamonds or otherwise. Diamond thong

The Last Lecture, Randy Pausch: Devotion

Rita Watson — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 04:40:41 +0000
Although I don’t own a television, I am suggesting you watch “The Last Lecture” on Wednesday on ABC. First written about by Wall Street Journal columnist Jeffrey Zaslow, it is the story of the man who created what was probably the world's first entertainment technology degree which helped students make Star Wars magic, the virtual reality of dreams. Randy Pausch, was a Brown graduate who went on to become a computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon. Through his course he brought together technologists and artists and assigned them to rotating teams. No books, no curriculum -- their only mandate -- design, create, soar within the world of virtual reality. Through a computer program called Alice a software project that enables easy creation of 3-D animations, Professor Pausch sees his legacy. Dr. Pausch gave the last lecture on September 20, 2007 knowing that at 46, he would not be able to survive pancreatic cancer. "Like Moses, I get to see the Promised Land, but I don't get to step foot in it," he said. "That's OK. I will live on in Alice." What are the decisions here? Listen to this man talk about love, and life, and family. He speaks of his wife with absolute devotion. He says that she really knows him and because of their incredible marriage, will help their children come to learn even more about who he is once he is gone. These segments on the ABC website show how a man of dreams, who found creative ways to walk through or over or around brick walls, lives each day filled with fun and laughter. TheLastLecture   It will be televised on a TV special this Wednesday. copyright 2008 ritawatson

The A’s of Love and Danger: Amour and Alone

Rita Watson — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 05:34:24 +0000
This week in The Dictionary of Love and Danger: For Men Only (with help from the women) we will be exploring the words "amour" and "alone" and "agendas." Also, I am gathering scenarios from words in our blog posts earlier this week -- adoration, attraction, and adultery. (See April 2, 3, and 4)What do these words mean when she says them and he thinks he hears them? Women keep telling me that you men are clueless. And men keep telling me that women are manipulative. Is it simply that words are lost in translation? We will help men and women find the answers. *Copyright 2008 Rita Watson from The Dictionary of Love and Danger: For Men Only, an FEV Publication

Comments: and Please see “The Last Lecture” Post

Rita Watson — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 00:50:20 +0000
The ads that you all complained about are gone.  For new comments in earlier postings this week, just scroll down.

Alone in Love and Danger: the Love Myth

Rita Watson — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 02:59:42 +0000
We live in a love-addicted society. To keep our hearts from breaking, and to save us from the monster called Alone, we will deceive ourselves and others for a religion called relationship. When one relationship ends, we are so terrified of Alone that we jump back into love -- or infatuation masked as attraction -- or find an addictive substitute. We invest so much into deceiving ourselves that we sabotage our own chances for happiness. Every day on every television channel, movie, talk show, soap opera, magazine -- the love myth is reinforced. It tells us, "Without love, without a relationship, you are not whole." The love lie: Yet those living a love lie have insisted that even when the romance was ending, they tried to find moments to make the deception worthwhile. For Michael, it was the rush he felt when he saw the man who would become his wife's lover. "I knew. I had a hunch." For Jason the moment of truth came with a telephone call, "I knew from the way she answered that she was talking to another man." Signs of Cheating Both Michael and Jason would eventually hear the women in their lives say to them, "I think we need to spend some time alone." Alone in the dictionary of love and danger: Alone -- when a woman says, "I think we need a little time alone, away from each other," what does it mean? It means she is rethinking the relationship. She might actually be toying with another man. Or she may really sense that the commitment she is hoping for is simply not going to happen. Alone -- he thinks, "She wants a night out with the girls." Or he may think that HE has been demanding too much and therefore should back off. Men's problem with alone: The problem that men too often have with "alone" is "lonely." Men traditionally have had their places of retreat -- a boat, a workshop, a fishing trip. But oftentimes, just the notion of being alone is threatening. One young man recently went out with the women with whom he had just ended a relationship because he didn't have a date for the week-end and couldn't bear to be alone.   Oftentimes divorced fathers can fill in alone time with their children. But alone is threatening and also fulfilling. A time to question: Alone can mean a new beginning.  Or it can mean an ending. But when a woman says she needs to be alone, it is a time to think and honestly ask yourself, "Am I really happy in this relationship? Or am I staying here because I don't want to be alone?" If you search your heart, when one person is dissatisfied with a relationship, so is the other. Sex becomes routine and boring. You start snipping at each other. And yet you hang on until she says, "I need alone time." Rekindle romance: What should you do? Be proactive. Honestly assess the relationship and your reasons for being in the relationship. If this relationship isn't working, then take a chance on being alone and use it to be good to yourself. And think about Michael and Jason. What could they have done differently? Each could have confronted without being confrontational.   Each could have said, "Before I give you some alone time, let's talk about what is happening between us." If you want the relationship, then do something. Why didn't either Michael or Jason do so? Because each was afraid of rejection. And what did their wives really want? They wanted to be courted again! Rekindling romance *Copyright 2008 Rita Watson from The Dictionary of Love and Danger: For Men Only, an FEV Publication

Hormones, Spring Fever, and Sex

Rita Watson — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 04:28:34 +0000
Here is a 600 word version of my article from the Sunday Providence Journal.  Hormones, Spring Fever, and Sex If we all had the raging hormones of youth, might we become a more content, less stressed and a sexually satisfied society? Some physicians suggest that hormones hold the key to intimacy. Cougars, older women dating younger men, swear by hormone replacement. Researchers find that in younger women hormones can protect against depression and possibly even seizures. Whether it is hormones, attitudes, or appetites, Cougars and some politicians appear to enjoy more passionate moments than the rest of society. Perhaps Spring Fever will help languishing libidos. In the United States about 20 million marriages are essentially sexless, according to an online survey of 4,000 men. Conducted by sexologist Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berokwitz, they reported in December 2007 that 68 percent of men blamed the bedroom blahs on their wives. One wonders how many visited VIP services or the Web sites for cheaters. What accounts for lack of marital intimacy? Most often it is boredom, exhaustion from the workplace, one’s physical health, or simply lack of desire. To cure boredom, therapists, books and Web sites seem to agree that couples need to be adventuresome and spontaneous, and to push the boundaries of love-making. The best aphrodisiac? Loving words instead of criticism by day enhances creative play at night. Exhaustion is tough. The Work and Family Policy Institute’s “Overwork in America’’ report reported that employees often felt unable to accomplish what was expected of them. Increasingly work spills into the home and in two-laptop, two-Blackberry families, these devices and not erotica end up in the bedroom. Health issues or medication, inhibited sexual desire, or decreased hormone levels also account for lackluster love-making. Hormones are the body’s chemical messengers. Hormone levels decrease in men and women in mid-life and both genders may opt for replacement therapy. Testosterone prescriptions began soaring in 2004, according to pharmaceutical-sales tracking. This therapy differs from the dysfunction problem alleviated by the little blue pill that former Sen. Bob Dole has promoted. Despite advances in synthetic alternatives for women, many have been cautious since a cancer scare several years ago. However, some physicians feel that hormone replacement has gotten a bad rap. Some doctors are suggesting benefits for young girls. Yale researchers are looking at the therapeutic use of hormones for menstrual-cycle-linked neuro-psychiatric disorders. Although women taking synthetic hormones say they feel more passionate, this may have to do with relief from their menopausal symptoms. Sexuality, Reproduction and Menopause recently reported that it is the male hormone delivered via a testosterone patch that appears to increase desire and arousal in women.    Can hormone replacement be why Cougars are having so much fun? Men dating or marrying the women say that “Cougars trade on their strengths instead of weaknesses, such as Samantha from Sex in the City. Cougars know that in pleasing us, we will please them. Cougars don’t bad mouth former husbands and lovers or spill out a sad history of abuse. These women are savvy and fun to be with.” Scott Haltzman, M.D., a psychiatrist and assistant professor at Brown University, notes in his newly released book, Secrets of Happily Married Women, “Your actions can show your husband how to care for you. As you cater to your guy, he’s watching and learning what marriage means. He’s enjoying the love and care of his wife and will soon feel, if he doesn’t already, the desire to do the same for you.” For those hoping that a dose of spring fever will rejuvenate life in the bedroom, scientists have disappointing news. Diaries indicate that sexual activity decreases during the spring and does not pick up again until autumn. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Great Lover and Quotes from LOVE

Rita Watson — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 05:01:38 +0000
A Great Lover is in the eye of the creator thanks to  Digital Snacker Does anyone remember the man of LOVE, Leo Buscaglia? Listen to the music and enjoy the words in this slideshow: LOVE

The “How to Behave After Sex” Video

Rita Watson — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 16:04:28 +0000
Is there an etiquette to sex? Should it be planned or spur of the moment? Bed or beyond? What about after-sex? Just for a good laugh, here is a video on behavior after sex -- and no, it does not include trips to the fridge! After Sex Etiquette

Love and Danger Scenario: Searching for “Amour”

Rita Watson — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 03:21:12 +0000
In the world of love and danger, men do not fare as well as women. We have looked at a few of the A's -- adoration, attraction, adultery, and alone from our Dictionary of Love and Danger: for Men Only. The A's are all entwined, interwoven into truths and love lies in search of "amour." Romance was brought to us by the 12th century troubadors who serenaded townsfolk with their songs of love. Courtly love flourished as stories swirled of knights and ladies obsessed with their lovers. Today's soap operas seem to capture the themes of love, desire, passion, betrayal, deception, lust and infidelity that we often read of in the Greek myths. However, it was the fierly punishments and ultimate rewards that transcended the lust and lies that made the gods and goddesses of mythology memorable and monumental. Men ask us for scenarious --in fact any soap opera carries the themes of adoration, attraction, adultery, and alone. It seems that deception plays a major role in soap operas and women are more often than not portrayed as deceptive manipulators. Deceptive scene: Just picture this. You meet a woman and you are so attracted to her that you adore everything about her. It's chemistry. You chat on the phone.   You text message. You long for her. You get her. You bring her to your home. And then what happens? You discover a secret that she is keeping from you. Reality intruded: For Henry reality intruded after he had driven half way to work and realized he took the wrong briefcase. While on the phone with his law partner, he contined home. He arrived at his home and his girlfriend's car was still in the driveway. Still on his cell phone, he dashed upstairs to get his briefcase. What did he discover? She was going through his drawers. She was so intent upon searching, that she never heard him come into the room. "Katrina, what are you doing?" he asked. And from the book of "answers" she replied -- pouting and sad -- "Oh darling, I wanted to surprise you. I was going through your drawers to see how I could organize them for you. Remember you always tell me that you never can find a sock?" Good save. He thinks -- she loves me. BUT he is also uneasy about the intrusion. Nonetheless, he forgives and hurries off to work. Each day, Katrina stays a little bit longer than the previous day. She actually convinces him that she is taking time off from work because she needs the rest and wants to help him get his house in order. Henry likes getting home to a really clean house and a beautiful woman to greet him with his scotch on the rocks. Later that week he asks when she is returning to work. With a sad kiss she says, "Tomorrow." The next morning, they kiss each other good-by, and both leave for work. The surprise: Henry circles back and there are two cars in his driveway. He parks the car down the road, and quietly enters his own home. There he finds Katrina in bed -- HIS bed -- with another woman. He goes into a rage, and throws them out. They leave and with them goes the money he had stashed in his sock drawer. He still wonders how he could have been so blinded and unable to see the real person behind the sweet talking smile. Rules of the road:

Get to know someone before you hand them the keys to your kingdom.

Spend some time with their friends so that you can understand how they interact with others.

Listen carefully for slip-ups in what you were told and how they contradict themselves.

If you have a doubt, trust your instinct!

copyright 2008 Dictionary of Love and Danger: for Men Only by Rita Watson, an FEV publication

Rita’s 600 Words

Rita Watson — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 23:14:24 +0000
On this page you will find 600 word versions of select Providence Journal pieces which are posted in their entirety under Relationship Columns. From my Blog -- there is one 600 word piece and we will add more as we refine this new design in the coming weeks. Columns in this Section MARRIED BUT CHEATING (And Dr. Ruth Says...) When I wondered aloud, “Is infidelity a sin whose time has come?” my colleague retorted, “It never left!” Indeed, the string of politicians, sports figures and movie stars cheating on their wives is an endless parade of mea culpas. “Why do men cheat?” I asked Dr. Ruth Westheimer, . . HORMONES SPRING FEVER AND SEX If we all had the raging hormones of youth, might we become a more content, less stressed and sexually satisfied society? PACKAGING SEX AND ABSTINENCE From My Blog Sex sells. Whether we wrap it in an abstinence package or talk about it through Planned Parenthood – we are talking about sex. In the abstinence world, the talk of sex translates into “no sex before marriage,” and it comes without the sound advice of safe sex based on good science. NEW RULES FOR OPEN MARRIAGE In a year when “Virginity Rules” became an abstinence movement motto, the pendulum swings to new rules for an open marriage. MONEY, MARRIAGE, SEX, AND SECRETS Money doesn't care who owns it,” was a favorite saying of our Aunti Mame. She lived lavishly even during what she called “modest times.” WAYS TO AVOID CELL PHONE SMASHING Relationships that fizzle during the holidays often bubble over with anger long after the champagne has gone flat. GRATITUDE AND SEX TRUMPS THE KING If alovematch.com merged with aNewCar.com would relationships have a longer shelf life? SEX AND SMILING SENIORS When you are at a social event, do you ever look at other couples and wonder — do they or don’t they? SEXUAL SHUTOUTS IN COUPLES MAZE OF HIDDEN AGENDAS Hidden agendas are relationship hell that live in a cauldron of unspoken words and fiery outbursts. OVERDRIVE IN THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE LANE The discussion was animated. Men. Sex. Cars. Relationships. Yet when I announced that I wanted to be the “Sex in the City for Men Only” columnist, right after our Bill and Monica debate, silence slammed into me.

The Love and Danger of Anger

Rita Watson — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 04:08:17 +0000
The love myth, the one that tells us without love, without a relationship, we are not whole -- is a true danger. It is poisonous because when we are connected to an unhealthy relationship, we end up disconnecting from ourselves. Ironically deep in our hearts each and everyone of us knows when we are lying for love. Men seem to able to shut down when it is for self-preservation, but oftentimes they are more likely to hold onto a relationship that isn't really right for them because of their protective nature. I know -- as women we often say that men are the ones we need to be protected from -- and we know that's not true. When we are lying for love, we know it. When we lie to ourselves about love, we find ourselves walking a tightrope between the truth that we do not want to face and that set of emotions from the dark side -- anger, venomous words, and revenge. Let's talk about anger for a moment. When a woman says, "I'm really angry, " Does she mean it? Listen to the sound of her voice. She may be hurt. She may be sad. But oftentimes a woman's anger is saying, "I want you to fix this. I want you to make this better." And I think, at least from what men have told me, that when they reach the boiling point, or before, with their anger, they shut down or leave. Women tend to stay and fight on. Listen to what anger is really telling you. Perhaps it is saying, "I want this relationship and if I have to be angry to get your attention, then that's what I will do." Or it may be the anger of saying, "I'm really wanting to get out, but I don't have the courage and I want you to be the one who leaves." Love may be masked as anger. What is key here is to trust your instincts by listening. Admit the truth about the relationship before becoming consumed by a love lie. If a relationship isn't working, find out what is wrong and fix it.   Ask yourself how you can change things. And if not, then do you really want to keep pretending? When a lie simmers for too long inside of us, we begin to hurt and hate with the same passion with which we once loved. Love has its risks. Love exposes our vulnerabilites. But the upside as Leo Buscaglia once said, "Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life." If you make a mistake in love, forgive yourself and go on loving, don't retreat. With you in hiding, so many will miss your wonderful gifts. Copyright 2008 Dictionary of Love and Danger: for Men Only by Rita Watson, an FEV publication

Money, Beer, Taxes, and a Video Laugh

Rita Watson — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 01:33:59 +0000
A Million Dollar Contest for Women: Count Me In is trying to help women business owners nationwide and they are expecting 5,000 women to take part in their "Make Mine a Million $ Business."  Money    Financial Literacy -- It's time to learn more about money. Starting Monday will be bringing you tips from MMI. Money, Marriage, Sex and Secrets -- from my Providence Journal -- check out relationship columns. The Beer and Tax Match -- Having trouble getting those taxes done? Head out to New Jersey. Enjoy a brew while they do taxes for you.  Taxes while you down a brew 1040EZ Joke on Taxes Video -- Just a quick laugh 1040 Video

Love and Danger: Addiction

Rita Watson — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 01:45:30 +0000
Love is both sacred and profane. As a virtue, love brings blessings. As an obsession, love brings pain. As an emotion love is so addictive, so intoxicating, so invigorating that we all want to be in love. We want to experience the passion, tne exhilaration, the magic of walking on air. In our Dictionary of Love and Danger, addiction is fatal. Although love means different things to different people, in our society, being in love and being in a relationship are synonymous. The search for love is perpetual. Men search. Women search. Two people meet. The chemistry is there. So is the gentleness, the understanding. It is as if you had both been touched by the same star. At first it is sweet and touching. Ecstacy: At first you can think of nothing more than being with the one you love. You want to touch and hold and care for the other person. From the moment of first passion -- the moment in which you are utterly convinced that you have found the love of your lives -- you are in ecstacy. Then something happens. The love starts to crumble. He blames her. She blames him. The love that once consumed is burning into an angry hate.   The problem is addiction. You become co-dependent or addicted when each person needs the other as if they were a "fix." You may wait for the emails. You live for the next phone call. Panic if the text message doesn't appear. Think of sex from moment to moment. If you are living together, you might make numerous calls during the day to check on her whereabouts. It is almost of if just the connection gives you a high. What's the problem here? When love is an addiction, often times a man's needs become secondary because the woman is so focused on her own. AND the man excuses it because of any number of reasons of things "she is going through." She may say "the right words" but deep inside, she is so consumed with her own needs that she does not have the capacity to wake up each morning and put her partner's needs first.   How does it start? Very often it starts with an overwhelming desire on the man's part to be protective. She tells a story of loss, pain, or mistreatment. Sometimes it is the other way around -- I called it the Nurse Nicey syndrome in one of my books. A man is in need and she is hooked -- addicted, co-dependent. Her life becomes that of caretaker for his life. Her needs mesh into his needs.   How does a man fall into Savior Syndrome? A way of measuring is the anger you feel towards those who have hurt your new love. The doctors who misdiagnosed. The husbands or parents who absued. The situation that created the loss. We can all feel empathy.   But with men, if you write yourself a checklist here you'll see how wrapped up you have become in those who were in her life.  Do you wish you could "get" those who hurt her?  Do you wish you could avenge the wrongs, not just make them right? Do you see how things could have been better for her "if only" she had someone like you by her side? I wrote a column about a man who was convinced that his very talented new girlfriend had a brilliant potential career and he could help. Her former husband held her back. But he was the Savior.   He ended up in an ugly threesome being so manipulated that his ex- arrived to take down the door of his house in the middle of the night. Interesting enough, they are on again off again together becuase, "If you only knew what her family had done, you would understand. I could help her and she loves me." She is his drug of choice: I finally said to this man, "What does her family have to do with the two of you? What has she brought to the table to help you with your work, your children, your career that depends upon a large social network?" His answer, "She really can't because.... "   Because he is addicted and she is his drug of choice. Wanting to know everything too early on in a relationship, is an addictive sign. Or having too much information spilled out too soon is addiction flag. Relationships should be an unfolding, a learning process. Too much, too soon beomes a "reel in" factor that masks some of the "real" issues that don't surface until a man is in the boat. A regular taxi driver confessed the other day that his wife told him, "She reeled him in and tricked him into marriage." He says he is very happy with her, but he doesn't quite understand why she felt she needed to manipulate him. Hooked: Told the story to one of my friends and he said, "Because that's what women do. We get hooked on them, and they suck us right in. It's like they see us coming."   Look at the language of love and addiction. Women seem to know when they are being manipulated and will oftentimes admit it, but realize that a part of them wanted the relationship enough to allow the situation to continue. Sometimes women seize upon a situation and very carefully plan.   "They see me coming," said one man who appears to make the same mistake over and over again.   Perhaps "a woman in need" is his drug of choice.   And I can say this because we all know the feeling. We have all tasted the same addictive ecstacy at one time in our lives. copyright 2008, The Dictionary of Love and Anger by Rita Watson

Love or Lust: Who is the One Night Stand?

Rita Watson — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 03:01:38 +0000
How to identify the look of love -- or lust LONDON (Reuters) - Members of the opposite sex can spot whether someone is after a one-night stand or something more permanent just by looking at their face, scientists said on Wednesday. On men, a square jaw, large nose and small eyes are more likely to betray the look of lust than of love. Women found men with softer features more likely to opt for commitment. But the Durham University-led research found that while men can judge whether a woman is footloose-and-fancy-free or not, there is no common facial detail to explain it. About 700 heterosexual people took part in the survey carried out by Durham, St. Andrews and Aberdeen universities. Learn more about the findings.   How did you score? This article was first reported on Wed Apr 9, 2008 5:08pm EDT -- Love or Lust

Too Much Information as a Love Hook

Rita Watson — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 09:18:23 +0000
Heard from a reader who wants to get out of a relationship, but feels stuck. "When is giving us too much information (TMI) a way of making it look like they are telling everything, but they aren't?"   And Read the Professor's comment! A bit of a departure from The Dictionary of Love and Danger yet this relates a question in which the young man seems to know the answer. The after-sex story of her life: "She told me the story of her life in about 10 minutes. It was right after we had sex. Really good sex. I really liked her. But I didn't know if I wanted to be in a relationship.  It was rough. I really felt for her." In repeating this story to a few other guys, the responses fell into two categories:

"Wow, she really bared her soul. She must really like you."

"I'd be running fast."

What did the women say? Pretty much same as the men.

"She really trusts you. I hope she knows what she's got in you."

"TMI is a danger zone.  I saw this on 90210 once and Grey's Anatomy. She wants a nice guy to make up for all she went through. Then suddenly, she'll turn on you, not in a good way. Tell me the story, I'll tell you the TV show.

TMI as half-truth:  What did his gut tell him? This would not be the "getting to know you" relationship he had hoped for, yet she convinced him that in sharing secrets -- they shared a bond. He felt he could be good for her. Balancing out: A year into the relationship, every time he thinks he can get out, there is another crises between her debt and her roller coaster emotions. Each day that he stays, it is harder for him to break free. (And women have the same problem.) And yet, I recall an older friend who married the woman who withheld as much as she told. They are still sharing stories. Copyright 2008 ritawatson

Her Mother is a Cougar and She’s Hot for Me!

Rita Watson — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 04:03:47 +0000
Those Cougars are in the news. Wait to you read this letter. DEAR MARGO: I am a 32-year-old man. After a string of older women, I have happily, though uncharacteristically, been dating a woman eight years my junior for about a year.  [Given the stories these past few days, we couldn't resist this one. As for how to handle this? Margo's advice is right on target.] I am deeply in love with her, and we have been seriously discussing moving in together. She is unusually close to her mother and sings her praises every chance she gets. For the most part this praise is well deserved. Her mother gave birth to her at 16 years of age and still managed to give her a pretty good future, even as a single mom. Unfortunately, her mother has made some obvious passes at me. It started with affectionate behavior and light flirtation, which included playful allusions to my former lovers and how they were her age rather than her daughter's. One might dismiss those as mere jokes, but a few recent incidents can't possibly be dismissed as such. I'm not at all sure she would believe me if I accused her mother of hitting on me, and I fear she would believe it if her mother chose to reverse the accusation, especially given my record of dating older women. Part of me is thinking "bail out," but I don't want to lose my girl. I also want to avoid damaging her relationship with her mother if at all possible. / DESPERATE DEAR DES: Here's what you do to keep your girlfriend and not blow the whistle on her mother: Treat all the flirting like a joke. Just laugh ... in a good-natured, friendly way, of course. Nothing will tamp down these passes like laughter and an implied "no, thank you." And by the way, this phenomenon is not all that unusual. Sometimes the mother is not seriously flirting; she is just being reflexively competitive. --- MARGO, TACTICALLY  For the whole story go to: Dear_Margo

Start Attracting Money: Financial Literacy Quiz

Rita Watson — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 02:43:23 +0000
April is Financial Literacy Month. And we have the quiz!This Blog has articles regarding the relationship between money and marriage. Money is one of the leading issues that brings couples to divorce court. See how Money Management International can help you. They have put together a 30 day package to help you.  Financial Literacy Month

The Allure of Givers, Receivers, and Sex in the City

Rita Watson — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 02:00:24 +0000
From the first moment of passion, when are absolutely convinced that we have found the love of our lives, we are in ecstacy. Then something happens -- whether it is young love or older women and men in love. Love begins to crumble. Men blame the women. Women blame the men. Younger women get angry. And older women become introspective. Attracting opposites: But in reality it is not so much a matter of fault or blame, as it is a matter of misunderstanding. We have misinterpreted the notion that opposites attract. When men and women attract their complementary opposites, they bring out the best in each by respecting each other's feminine and masculine qualities.   And also their values. However too many of us attract our opposing opposite -- someone who on the surface seems to meet our needs -- but whose value system or way of thinking so differs from ours that the relationship borders on being a fraud. When givers are attracted to receivers, it is the classic clash of opposing opposites attracting. The caretakers: Givers are caretakers. They invest so much in the receiver's happiness that they postpone their own happiness by creating the illusion that says, "she loves me or he loves me." Receivers are always ready to take all the goodness that caretakes are ready to give. The receivers might even make some gestures -- might do some giving that gives themselves pleasure as well. Sex is a good example. But in terms of the profound sense of giving -- one in which the love is so strong that one is willing to lose it for the sake of another's happiness, that is not in the taker's handbook. When the well runs dry: Takers is a strong word. I don't mean to say it is black and white. But those on the receiving end often bring less to the table than do the caretakers, the givers. And what happens is that in giving and giving and giving, one day the well of the giver runs dry. The love cup keeps on pouring out. But the receiver doesn't replenish or restore with the same intensity or desire. And one day the receiver -- accustomed to being filled -- begins looking for the next giver in fact, may always be looking for the next giver because there is never enough to satisfy. Nurturers: Why is it so easy for the receivers to find the givers? And why do givers see such allure in the receivers? Because the world is full of nurturers -- mothers and fathers at heart who are always ready to kiss the wound and make it better, to enfold in their arms, and to love -- because love is what both givers and takers ultimately wish. However the giver's love may be the dream of happily ever after -- whereas the receiver wishes for love that instantly gratifies.   A comment with regard to TMI came from "the professor." He said, "I think the women who TMI are looking for the partner as caretaker. There are those of us who take care of others, and there are those who need to be cared for. . . . ounds like co-dependency, no? The ideal might be: 1) good, no, great sex and often, 2) great sex in different places and circumstances, 3) two individuals each of which has their own relatively successful career who like to share time (beyond sex) with the other because they learn from him/her, and just plain enjoy that person. It seems to me that the right one will still be the most interesting at the end of the day." (April 13th comment) At the end of the day -- the Allure: I think many men might share the professor's views. And so this is my take, from a woman's perspective. Oftentimes the allure is a physical attraction. There is an ancient Oriental saying, "A relationship ends as it begins."   The allure of fast and furious means danger. I believe at the end of the day, the right one will be the person who believes heart and soul in the giver. The person who derives more joy in giving than in receiving. The person whose actions speak more lovingly than words. The person who wakes up in the morning and says, "What can I do to enrich his life or her life today?" And then follows through feeling blessed for the priviledge.                                                                                                      # #   # # If you are wondering about the allure of Sex in the City, read on --it gets to the heart of the matter in the last two paragraphs Sex in the City Allure -- where the fairy tale is always a glittering goal. Copyright 2008 ritawatson (from The Dictionary of Love and Danger)

Marriage, Children, Tax Dollars, Words and Silence

Rita Watson — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 01:05:12 +0000
It hurts parents and it hurts children -- divorce.  We shake our heads sadly at the statistics. But now that we are learning that divorce hurts taxpayers, perhaps more attention will be paid to strengthening marriages. The situation and problems inherent with divorce have been studied recently by a Georgia State University economist who is part of "the marriage movement." They are suggesting that states do more to help strengthen and promote the concept of marriage as we have noted in many of our posts. Save Marriages (See March 20th, February 24th and Relationship Columns) Just a few months ago, The Providence Journal ran a piece by Dr. Scott Haltzman advocating marriage education in the schools. The Brown University assistant professor is also author of two books that should be required reading: The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Perhaps it is time to rethink the value of togetherness and show children two people giving to each other unselfishly for the sake of unity and love. Marriage Education Perhaps it is time to watch our words as individuals, as couples before words become irreconcible differences.   I remember when the good professor once told his child that words sometimes said even in jest  can be hurtful.   We know the power of words can influence a child's self esteem. Words that Harm, Words that Heal Perhaps if more couples watched their words, or listened to the tone of their voices -- a greater respect for each other might develop into supportive words, forgiving words, or no words at all.  I am not talking about the silent treatment, but rather the magic in a silent smile, a loving look into another's eyes, a gentle touch. Copyright 2008 ritawatson

Love and Danger: Appearances

Rita Watson — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 03:52:33 +0000
There is nothing in the world of appearances that can help us detach from the deception of the love myth -- and free us to find lasting love -- with the same clarity as our intuition, our hunches. The love myth, the one that tells us without love, without a relationship we are not whole, is poisonous. Why? Because the myth makes us feel that we should have a relationship and we often then become entwined in an infatuation that masquerades as love. Or we stay in an unhealthy relationship, where we end up disconnecting from ourselves. Ironically deep in our hearts each and everyone of us knows when we are lying for love.  Those with the courage to trust their instincts and admit the truth can confront the lie before being consumed by it. The more connected we are to ourselves, the easier it will be to connect meaningfully to others. We do that by listening to our inner voice. The voice that men develop from their history on the playing fields, the battlefields, and the mine fields of corporate takeovers and academia. The voice that women develop from watching and listening and "knowing, just knowing." When one is lying for love, one must hope for the inner voice to save us -- a little nagging feeling inside. We may rationalize. We may tell ourselves that this is our destiny. We may think that "head over heels" is real, but deep inside when little truths begin surfacing, we know.  Simply say the words: "I think I am really in love and I think I am loved in return" -- do you believe them? I think the real bond comes when you can say, "I know that WE are in love with each other." Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Men as Givers Fare Better than Women: The Quiz

Rita Watson — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 12:00:53 +0000
Women as givers frequently do not fare as well as men who are givers when they realize their folly. Men have a way of turning the hurt into creative ventures. Women often fall into depression. Men can transform hurt into "I'm not going to let this get to me" and will make a business prosper, or simply walk away. Women turn the hurt inward --and may avoid friends and opportunities to break free of the love lie. Then when the dream is shattered, the reality faced, they sink into a devastating melancholy. Men rebound: Men as givers are often more enterprising when the women who are receivers move on.  Businessmen in particular rebound more quickly for two reasons: money and opportunity. Very often men are attracted to women first and foremost because of their looks.  Read my column on Money, Marriage, Sex and Secrets. Women most often choose a man who is finacially sound. Equal value: However, most men do try to find a woman who brings equal value to the table --so that the relationship is balanced. And research on financial patterns of couples shows that educated women prefer it that wayas well. They, too, want the relationship to be a partnership. One Chicago entrepreneur spent years supporting his wife, an artist. She called him a workaholic who preferred to be with his cronies. However, she also spent much of his money buying paintings and jewelry. He kept giving. She kept taking. Then she met another artist -- and left Nathan. Three is the charm: The giver built himself and his staff a new office with the most up-to-date executive toys, which became home to the family of employees who remained faithful to him for many years. Then suddenly he married for the third time and sold his company. Nathan and his new wife started a new venture that she says, "Is far from the maddening crowd." Fifteen years later, they are still living in bliss. Nathan pointed out that his men's group helped him. And there he learned that regardless of income level -- the men who kept giving did so to fill a void -- not just for their wives, but for themselves as well. The maternal instinct: Women with a maternal instinct at first get angry with themselves for giving and giving.   Oftentimes, even when they know that their cup of love is not being refilled, they try harder. When the truth hits, they are angry with their partner and themselves. Take a look at Robert Sternberg's questionnaire -- What is Your Love Story? If you are a caretaker, or a rescuer, rethink the role. Finding Your Love Story   A serious love scenario, in which “lifelong” is a priority, will foster happiness, good health and youthfulness at any age. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson (The Dictionary of Love and Danger: For Men Only)

Do Men Want to be Duped?

Rita Watson — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 02:09:59 +0000
It's a full moon. Romance is in the air. And yet, for an entire week I have listened to stories from men, smart men, who are being duped by younger women. A part of me gets angry that women are not entirely honest with men. Sideways: And for half a second I wonder why women do it. Then I think of a scene from Sideways in which Sandra Oh breaks the nose of Thomas Hayden Church because he led her to believe he loved her and wanted to marry her. And all the while he was on his last fling before getting married to someone else. "He is an actor," shrugs Paul Giamatti. Demeaning: Nontheless, it is demeaning to all women when one woman plays the "but I didn't know how to tell you" or "didn't think it was important" game with another man (from past lovers to children issues to health issues that may affect both of them to financial issues). And it demeans all women when one woman hangs onto a man because he is the meal-ticket who could save her from ruin. And it doesn't make it right when one woman tells her lover that she can't bear the thought of him even looking at another woman -- while she is snuggling up to another man, who is married no less. Men's stories: I am not here to blame the woman. I am not here to blame men. But I am here to say that whenever I spend time talking with a group of men, I hear the same stories. Infidelity: Tonight, Captain Whitebar, the keeper of secrets, helped me to think differently about men and women in relationships -- and I translated this into relationships that have a component of too much neediness. I was stressing about my next column and I asked him what I should write about next. He immediately answered, "Infidelity in both men and women. And they each have a good cover." Another man chimed in and said, "I think people cheat in every marriage at least once. But when caught, men buy jewelry and say, "I'm sorry" or nothing at all. Women say, "How dare you insult me with such an accusation!" What has this got to do with men who feel duped or women who can't let go? Do men chose to be manipulated: I am beginning to wonder if men who are manipulated are simply putting themselves in the position because -- as the Love 2008 survey points out (See my columns) -- they chose a woman for her looks and then close their eyes to the red flags and statistical odds against success. Furthermore even if they know that certain issues might be problematic, they don't do their homework to find out how these issues might affect them personally. So are they living a self-fulfilling prophecy because they don't have the courage to break the pattern? Women who can't let go: And for women who can't let go --- is it because they are simply reaching a biological clock age? Or perhaps having had several bad marriages, a good one comes along and they erase the past that they don't wish to share. Or they share just enough "I can barely talk about this" information to create a protective pull on the part of the man. Or perhaps they really like the guy and think to themselves, "I can make him happy and eventually tell my story." For these women, I am so sorry. They are frightened and are doing whatever it takes for companionship -- obviously terrified of the monster called Alone. Emotionally unfaitful: I would like to believe that neither men nor women are really trapped in their own emotional infidelity by hanging onto relationships that don't have lasting value. In many ways they are being unfaithful to themselves if in their heart of hearts each knows the truth. Tonight I was reminded of an old religious saying, "You never rise above the level of your confession." In other words, if you are telling me you can't see a way out,  then you won't "see it" and will remain stuck. If you are saying things such as, "I don't see myself...." then you won't.   If you don't see, you don't want to see, is it a way of absolving yourself of taking the responsibility to grow? If you are making excuses because a woman you are with are able to color shades of gray in pearly tones, then you will continue to be manipulated.   If you are telling me that everyone cheats in marriage and you accept this, than you will be cheated. A pattern of failure: A glorious week. A gorgeous full moon. The stars are lined up for passion. And instead of stories of love and romance, I listened to stories from wonderfully, smart attractive men -- good business decisionmakers -- stuck in a pattern. Why? Because change even for the better is difficult.    Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

What He May Be Hiding From You

Rita Watson — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 04:32:16 +0000
Women's Health magazine has an explosive new article: Guy's Secrets: When He Drops a Bomb. This tells you everything you don't really want to hear, but you need to listen. Under his "Let's be totally honest" movie, the headliners in order of appearance:  He has herpes, wants time out to find himself, has wirthdrawn money from your joint account, changed his mind about wanting kids, slept with his best friend before he met you.   His Secrets I am a big believer that "when the truth is known the truth will set you free." This article by Nicole Blades is thought-provoking and upsetting in a way that feels as if cold water is being splashed on your face.

The Movie: Let’s Be Totally Honest, and Travel

Rita Watson — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 01:01:27 +0000
In the past week -- with articles ranging from appearances, duped, hiding, and givers and takers – what was the take home message? I think can be summed it up with secrets verses honesty. While I am an advocate on honesty – believing that the truth will always set you free – oftentimes even truth has its twists.   I think the Women’s Health article ( His Secrets), which featured prominently on AOL on Saturday lumped positive honesty with hurtful honesty. “Let’s be totally honest,” can be sincere or it can be a means of veiling truths that are too difficult to reveal. One partner gets so wrapped up in worrying about or feeling sorry for the other, or himself or herself, that he or she misses out on something vitally important.   The Women's Health article left out more than it stated. What questions could have or should have been asked? If you really want lifelong love and friendship, take the time to get to know someone. Love at first sight can last a lifetime, but it can also end as quickly as it started – with one of you falling flat on your face. Understand what you really need in a relationship verses what you think you need. I think most men and woman who have experienced lasting love will say, “I believed in my partner heart and soul.” And I still believe that at the end of the day, you want to look across the table at someone who makes you laugh, who has been honest with you, and has put your needs above his own or her own, because is so doing you will put your partner’s needs first. It will balance out into perfect harmony.   And sometimes a vacation helps. Here are some forgotten spots close to paradise.Heavenly travel This week watch for Popping the Question! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Exercise and Smile Today

Rita Watson — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 11:17:26 +0000
The best kept secret to chasing away the blues is exercise. While researchers have known this for some time, a new book is calling exercise the best blockbuster drug ever. In a Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine study published in 2007 it was found that after four months those who exercised felt nearly as good as those on those on medication.  Of those who felt better: 47 % were on an anti-depressant, 45 % were in an exercise group, 40 % exercised at home, and 31 % were on a placebo. In Mood Boosters, (January 24 Blog post) I pointed out that not everyone wakes up whistling each morning. If you are feeling a bit blue, chances are you know the reason and you also know that you’ll probably snap out of it soon. In the meantime, exercise will help lighten your mood. How much exercise is enough? Two of five times a week for 30 to 40 minutes, plus 5 to 10 minutes each of warm up and cool-down is recommended. Exercise, Boston Globe, Mood Lifting, Smile, Think about things you love that bring a smile to your face and a sparkle in your eyes. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Forget the Primaries: Marry Me!

MBA on campus — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:02:20 +0000
Guys talk about this. Girls talk about it. But when it comes to proposing to a woman (Wow) it was harder than I thought. So I put together some guidelines for popping the big question. Yes, this Ferol, telling it like it is. Step 1: Decide. This is the ever pressing ‘should I do it?’ question. Hopefully if you are reading this you are so close to your decision that the answer is "Of course I want this woman to marry me and I want to marry her." I cannot stress enough that you must decide with certainty, this is a big one and every step of this process is difficult enough without nagging doubt.   Weigh the pros and cons if you are getting cold feet. But remember, this is something that you really wanted. Now that you have decided that she’s the one. Go for it. Don’t look back. Let us to be the first to congratulate you. Step Two: Find an ally For some reason it just doesn’t seem real to us guys until we tell someone, so tell someone. Find your proposal ally. But how do you find this ally? Well, best to choose someone you feel comfortable with, but who will know her as well. Best to find a relative, sister (not mom, we’ll get there later), best friend. It is preferable to find a girlfriend because she is going to be your ring consultant, timing advisor, parental co-pilot your right hand woman to this proposal. Identify her, and approach her about it, she will be ecstatic. Make sure to find someone who can keep a secret! Step Three – Pick a date. Finding a good date for the proposal is key. So tune in tomorrow and I'll fill you in on the details. Copyright 2008 Ferol Vernon

Dr. Happiness, a Laughter and Exercise Link

Rita Watson — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 12:50:12 +0000
Smiling, Happiness, Exercise, natural highs. And now an interview with Dr. Happiness. For some of us, happiness is predictable. We arrange our lives in a way that creates a healthy predictability. But what happens with the unpredictable? It really depends upon one's restores of energy and one's baseline for happiness. Here are some thoughts from New York Times, Dr Happiness. Some years ago even the physician's Bible, The New England Journal of Medicine ran articles about laughter. But it is more than laughter, it is the ability to take the cards we have been dealth and work with them. Or, instead of seeing the cup half empty seeing it half full. If you can't do that -- then here is a good laugh. Hold onto your sides! Newscaster Can’t Stop Laughing! And a good exercise link. Choosing happiness over hostility is within you.   A reminder about the Walking Challenge. A Walking Exercise Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Marry Me: I Have a “Pop the Question” Date

Rita Watson — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 01:01:28 +0000
When it comes to proposing to a woman, it was really a lot harder than I thought it would be. So yesterday I told you the first two steps, the third is a big one. And about 7 more to go! Yes, this Ferol, telling it like it is. Step Three: Chose a date to pop the question, because you will need a timeline. This is really important because there are lot of steps in between. You will need to get the ring, talk to parents, and breath so that the proposal is perfect! There are a couple of big things you have to get done before this date, but by picking it early you will be able to figure out your timeline on all the other biggies. A good date: Choose one that has some meaning for your relationship, an anniversary of when you met. Your first date. Your first romantic evening. Make it a non-relative intensive holiday (avoid Valentine’s Day and Christmas). A few practical tips: Pick a day when you both will have time to enjoy each other she says, "Yes!" So if you both work 9-5 choose a Friday night or Saturday, so you’ll have most of the weekend for each other. Pick a time when you know she’s not going to be exhausted, sweaty, or otherwise consider herself undesirable -- no woman imagines the moment of her engagement after an hour on the elliptical machine! Just pick the date for now, you can worry about the actual proposal details later. Think in terms of creating a memory! PS: To Sax, the guy who apparently had his heart broken, I'm sorry for you buddy. Sometimes it takes a while from the right person to come along. Thanks for writing us. Copyright 2008 Ferol Vernon

Metabolism Boosters and Who is Hiding WHAT?

Rita Watson — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 04:06:53 +0000
Boosting metabolism can be a real help to dieters. Good to know the food you eat and the people whom you are dating. This blogpost on Reuters has some interesting tips on four food groups -- superfoods, spicy foods, protein, and water -- that will help you. Go to blogBurst on Foods. As for who is hiding WHAT?  Take a look at my blog post from a few days ago -- "What He May Be Hiding from You?" and let me add a little PS. Talked with one of my two favorite bartenders last night at what is becoming our neighborhood Cheers, and he began sharing some stories about how both women and men keep secrets from each other. And it seems that some of what was in the column about men hiding information from women -- can move both ways. Watch for stories over the week-end and in the interim, Ferol, our MBA on Campus will continue with his "Marry Me," series. Yes, he really is getting married. Next month and she is wonderful! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Marry Me: I’ve Got the Ring

Rita Watson — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:01:05 +0000
You might be wondering why I am putting all of the "popping the question" information in a long series. Well, it takes lots of thinking and planning for a guy to get this one right. So here I go, Ferol, your MBA on campus, with Step 4. Step Four: The Ring Buying the ring is the fun part. It's the expensive part, but really a lot of fun. This is where your proposal ally is a gem in every sense of the word. Time for visiting a few jewelry shops. Check out Blue Nile to get some of the basics down. We won’t go into the details of buying a ring, because there is a ton of information out there. What we can advise is go ring shopping with someone who will have her best taste at heart. And remember the ring consultant must appreciate your future bride's taste and NOT her own. She is helping you chose the ring for your bride, and not the bride that she is hoping to be one day. Definitely be cautious in selecting a jeweler and the ring. Finding someone you know in either the jewelry business or a dealer who comes through a recommendation is always the best. Keep in mind her style, the shape of her fingers and hands. And think about how she is going to react -- not just when you hand her the velvet box with the sparkle inside, but how it will look on her hand, and how she will feel about "the ring" you have chosen that says, "Marry me!" Copyright 2008 Ferol Vernon

Laughter Power and Exercise

Rita Watson — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:02:36 +0000
Sure, you know that your mood is better after you’ve had a good laugh, but did you know that your health may improve, too? Depression is a major risk factor for heart disease and so it is good to both exercise and laugh. A low tech solution to mild to moderate depression -- aerobic exercise -- can be as effective as psychotherapy.  Both exercise and laughter help the heart. Futher, reports from a team at Loma Linda University in California, show that laughter prompts changes in the body that may help the immune and endocrine systems to function better. Laughter increases the number and activity of cells that help us fight disease and decreases stress-related hormones. The nice thing about laughter is that it’s contagious, according to Robert Provine, Ph.D., of the University of Maryland. When you hear other people laugh, you tend to laugh too. Provine suggests that laughter does something special to our brains to trigger the laugh sounds in us. So for the sake of your health, exercise, laugh, and maintain a positive attitude. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Wondering if Your Ex Still Wants You?

Rita Watson — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:10:47 +0000
Ok you just broke up. You really would like him back. But you are not sure how to approach him. Here are some signs that may help you to see that he still wants you as well! Sometimes relationships come to an end because in reality there was something you both have avoided discussing -- from money, to sex, to frustration with a job. Then one day, it all comes crashing down and you break up. Sometimes men give clues that mean, "I still want you."  How can you tell? Read Does he still want you? We often say that men and women seem to have their own language. Here is it from a man: What do breakup lines mean? There is a wonderful reading in Emmet Fox: Around The Year ... "There is no door that enough love cannot open. There is no gulf that enough love cannot bridge."   Try it. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

More Sex Talk and Toys at the Hair Salon

Rita Watson — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 01:12:35 +0000
Because I am an incurable romantic, I write a column about sex and relationships for the Providence Journal (see Relationship columns), I want everyone to fall in love and stay in love.   And I think part of what keeps love lively is hot sex. Cosmopolitan came through again with their new issue -- 67 steamy ways.   As I talked about the naughty sex Q and A with other woman today, I was reminded of a blog post I wrote as Valentine’s Day was approaching. I was at the hairdresser talking about romance when I was interrupted by a Blackberry message that I had to answer. When I rejoined the conversation, suddenly I was listening to “sex talk.” Yes, in a very proper place, with very proper women I heard about someone’s Aunt Annette and her “Sex Tapes and Toy Shop.”   Whoa! Gadgets? I don’t even own a blender. I’m not good with things that have switches. “Who goes to the shop?” I asked. “Professionals – doctors, lawyers, and businessmen visit my Aunt together and she tries to be helpful,” replied the bouncy and beautiful woman. In terms of helpful, while in Boston, I learned more about sex and relationships from the magazines and conversations at the hair dresser than in all my years at college such as. Women usually read these magazines. Men don’t. Men like car and sports magazines because these get right down to the basics.   So I ask you: Is life behind your closed doors, somewhat boring? Are you worried that he might be straying? No talk, action! If you ansered "yes" to the above then forget the “We should talk” conversation. Action speaks louder than words. You don’t need me to draw pictures here.   Now, may I preface this by saying, I’m Italian. I believe a way to a man’s heart is through a wonderful meal, home cooked, or bought from a great store and placed in your own serving platters — however — here are some hair salon thoughts: Do something provocative:

Scan the Internet.

Tell him some of the things you saw that surprised you. WATCH his eyes and reactions.

Which peaked his interest?

Ask, in a matter-of-fact manner, “Which of these toys should I bring to a shower for a friend getting married for the first time?” And don’t let him off the hook. Or ask, "Which would you like?"

Whisper something to him that is romantic or “sex talk” shocking.

Why women like sex toys: According to my hair salon sources:

They are fun.

They perform on demand.

They don’t talk back.

And they don’t snore.

I am all for getting in the mood for love, but if you are as “on-and-off switch phobic” as I am – I even got rid of my television when I became confused with those remotes – then try some old fashioned sweetness and love. A good dinner always works and maybe, just maybe, become succulently creative with dessert. Oringial appeared on February 9th, 2008 http://www.decisionmakingtips.com/?p=121#comments And you will love the Comments! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Week-end round up: Love and Marriage

Rita Watson — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 01:29:50 +0000
Before we get back to our Dictionary of Love and Danger: For Men Only, let's take a look at the week - in - review of love and marriage. There is the compatibilty story, how to choose a man to marry, and love in the London tubes. Ultimate-compatibility   -- this is a story of whether or not opposites attract. While I think that we should all attract our complementary opposite, one that completes our personality, you might enjoy seeing what research says about compatibility. How to choose a man to marry -- this comes for AOL personals. It has some down to earth advice. Love on the London tubes -- a surprising place to be finding love. But this story tells us that quite a hefty number of people are finding love in the London underground. And so if you are anxious to be a June bride -- there isn't much time --you may want to consider the above advice. Copyright 2008 ritawatson

Marry Me — Today is Diamond Day

Rita Watson — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 03:26:43 +0000
If you have stuck with me, you know that this thing called engagement is really a big deal. If feels almost like forever before you get to pop the question. Well here we are, almost. Step Five, Parents. This is a dying tradition, but here at decisionmaking tips we really believe in it. Ask her parents for permission, or even if you don’t ask them for permission -- talk to them about it first. We can guarantee it will win you major points with your future in-laws, and with her. It’s a delicate matter, and we suggest nothing but the most detailed planning to get it right. This should be a conversation just between you and the parent or parents. No interruptions by siblings, relatives, waiters, or any other outside sources. The proposal ally is a big help here too, you need someone who can talk you through this. Have a script… YES a script. Write down some of the things you are going to say and memorize them. Don’t bring notes to the conversation, but make sure you are comfortable with the words you are saying. In fact say them out loud. You’d be surprised how hard they are to get out. Also, make sure that you set a time and proposal date soon after your parental sit down – nothing adds pressure like awaiting in-laws! Step Six: Plan the day. Okay so you have a ring, a date, her parents permission, Now is the time. Plan the date around what you think would be appropriate and not what you have heard works. In other words, if she’s a quiet type don’t do this in public. It’s a very private event, and you are going to want to have time together afterwards. Only if your potential fiancée is a very extroverted person should you consider proposing in public. There is no need to be jumping out of an airplane, in a shark tank, or to have your proposal in a scrolling marquee at the ball game for it to be meaningful. BUT you should plan something. At your place, her place, or your cohabitation place. Again here is the importance of your proposal ally. She will keep your soon to be finance busy so that she arrives at your proposal destination at the expected time. Set the scene, flowers, candles are a safe bet. Do something that is meaningful for your relationship, pick something and go with it. No real need to stress over this, she will love it no matter what, and as long as there is some theme to it all you will be fine. One helpful thing to keep in mind about the proposal setting is that this story will be told later, as long as there is some kind of story to tell -- the details will get smoothed over. Don’t worry about pink vs. red roses – the story will read “there were flowers everywhere”. And this is precisely what you would like her to remember, a ring, a mood, flowers... what you have done is to create a memory! Copyright 2008 Ferol Vernon

I’m Gettin’ Married in the Mornin’

Rita Watson — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 01:20:06 +0000
Did you know that according to The Wedding Statistics there will be 2,220,000 weddings this year. That's a lot of couples walking down the aisle -- and my financee and I will be among them. Step Seven: You have spent so much time planning the big day -- the day you were going to pop the question, that it seems as if there is nothing more to do. Well, there is. One more step. Plan what to do after the big day. After the big moment comes a period of euphoria, nervousness, and excitement all at once. It’s intense. You will want to plan some alone time for the two of you right afterwards. However, you will also want to share your happiness. And so it It might be a good idea to invite some friends and family to a small get together later that night or the next day. This is a good way to show people the ring, tell lots of people at once. Make it a surprise party. Every woman loves surprises. And on the plus side, it might help you cut down on your phone calls. Step Eight: Congratulate yourself! The adventure is about to begin. Copyright 2008 Ferol Vernon

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Rita Watson — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 04:43:48 +0000
Breaking up is hard to do. And yet, it goes on and on. Some 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce and here it is the merry month of May with so many women preparing to become June brides. When marriages end it takes a toll on men, women, and children. Last year at this time the Canadian Health Population Study reported on 20,000 people and found that depression rates doubled for those whose marriages or commited relationships came to an end. And from men's reports, they were six times more likely to be depressed than women. While there is no good way to break - up, we did find this advice from "The Stars" -- horoscopes. Breakig up   But just remember, it is easier to find a way to solve your problems and reconcile your differences. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The Spitzer Scandal Gal is Back

Rita Watson — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 06:17:43 +0000
You read it here in mid-March -- Governor Spitzer's call girl was planning to file a lawsuit against the media for violation of copyright of pictures that she herself posted all over the Internet. Now she is taking action. It seems that she is seeking $10 million in damages claiming that the Girls Gone Wild producers cajoled her with alcohol to expose her breasts while she was just 17. Now the "he said" side of the story is in People magazine and it says that she was in a room full of people and other reporters and claimed to be over 18.    Ashley's back, People magazine We pointed out back than that this story doesn't want to go away. The young lady who is about to land a music contract is talking of a copyright violation of pictures that she posted all over the Internet. As one CNN commentator noted, “from shame to fame” and now she wants more. We said it then, we say it now -- out of respect for the Governor’s family, isn’t it time for Ashley Dupre to take the money and run?   She has already been given immunity from prosecution, claims she wants privacy, and is still making noise. We wonder how many young ladies during Spring break find themselves with too much alcohol and not enough dignity when they pick themselves up from the bar room floor and wake up in the morning? Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Diffuse Stress with Cuddling

Rita Watson — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 08:13:29 +0000
Stress is unhealthy for your moods and your heart. While there is some good stress related to workplace highs, in general physical symptoms and emotional symptoms of stress can be devastating. Stress is not necessarily a negative force. Sometimes a deadline or major project gets the adrenaline going. That's the good stress. But when there is no let up, the body becomes overwhelmed and this results in physical symptoms that might include migraines, hives, stomach upsets, muscle  spasms, chronic fatigue and even heart attacks. There are three ways to deal with stress that can be helpful. Change the situation -- If your workplace is overly competitive, see about setting ground rules. If no one is willing to cooperate, then ask for a transfer or consider finding a new job. Change the response -- Sometimes when stressed we eat. Sometimes we spend money. Sometimes we take it out on those we love. Change the response by defining the problem, outlining a plan, exploring alternatives, and defining a solution. Get physical: Try cuddling, exercise, or sex -- We know about exercise and sex. Both are great for reducing stress. But there is a supposed new stress reducer hitting the news, cuddling. Cuddle parties Cuddly or creepy are a new phenomenon. Call them organized snuggling as a way of interacting without sex. You might want to give it a try. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Saving a Relationship on the Rocks

Rita Watson — Thu, 01 May 2008 01:35:50 +0000
Are you feeling that your marriage is about to crash? Are you really still in love but feeling depressed about your relationship? How about asking yourself a few questions? How well do you listen? And what is your tone of voice? Listening and the tone of one's voice are good measures as to the direction of your relationship. Look inside yourself: It may sound simplistic but no matter where you are in your marriage or relationship, if you love the guy you are with but wish he was the way he was when you married him -- then it is time for a little look inside yourself.

Are you the person he married?

Are you the one who often sent love notes?

When he wanted fun and spontaneous sex, were you right there and ready to go?

What has happened? And now don't blame him! This is not about blame, this is about finding a way to fix a problem and you might just have the solution right in the palm of your hand. Listen to your words and the tone of your voice. Men have fragile egos and just one or two words of criticism can set them back years -- honest! There is a way of talking to him and never, repeat NEVER , should it involve saying, "How many times have I told you?" This is your visualization challenge. Think about the man you married and what you loved most about him. Think about the way you treated him when he was that person. Now see him as you wish him to be. And act accordingly. If you wait for a grump to come home each night, he will.   If you expect a man to cheat, he will. If you anticipate an argument, it will happen. But if you see your lover waking in the door, and treat him accordingly, you might be surprised! So set the stage. Choose the man you wish to share a bed with each night -- the qualities of the person with whom you first fell in love. Make a decision to put some time and effort into changing the relationship to one of love and harmony. Take a look at this site -- Divorce Busting and give some thought to Michelle Weiner-Davis's new book about sex starved wives. You may find that you can revive the fire, fan the flames, and enjoy some sizzling sex and loving companionship. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Laughter for Love & Laughter Club Video

Rita Watson — Fri, 02 May 2008 01:01:38 +0000
Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously.  If you can laugh at yourself he will love you all the more! Instead of being critical of him, how about laughing with him about his foibles -- and keep your relationship happy! Now there is a difference between his foibles and his sore spots. One should never tease her lover about his weight, his hairline, his mother, brother or sisters, his fears.   Basically you are playing with poison if you do. But you can begin to turn your words of criticism into jokes that you can both enjoy and still get your point across. How often have you noticed that your words -- even said jokingly -- are biting and hurtful? Perhaps you don't realize it. But look at the faces of others when you are critical, it makes everyone uncomfortable. Here is where laughter comes in. Shared humor creates a bond that helps you get over little frustrations or big disappointments. From that squirting pipe to the snow plow that damaged the garage.   You really want to say something sarcastic or use a tone of voice that is biting, "Just when can I expect that you will fix that pipe? " Another tactic, "Honey, I know you have been busy, so I just bought a little blow-up boat so I can go downstairs to do the laundry."   Maybe that's not his style or yours. But humor can be cultivated. Watch movies that make you laugh together. Listen to what makes him double over with laughter. What kind of jokes does he respond to? AND IF YOU ARE A GUY READING THIS -- help! Maybe you can direct this movie. Find ways that you can laugh together. If she is always criticizing the way you dress -- go to a thrift store and buy yourself some plaid pants match it with a pink shirt and pick up a vest.  Tell her that you have decided it is time to take responsibility for the way you dress and you got yourself a new outfit. I am willing to bet you will both roar with laughter. When you laugh it changes your mood and it creates life-enhancing properties. Laughter is contagious -- just look here at Laughter in London. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Breaking Up is Easier Than We Thought

Rita Watson — Sat, 03 May 2008 01:53:04 +0000
We thought that breaking up is hard to do, but new research just out says, it is actually not so bad.  How can that be? It may depend upon one's age. Freshman in a new study said it only took about 2 -3 months to recover. But.... How easy can it really be to break up? This is the research from Northwestern. Breaking up is easy to do But we think that for adults, breaking up is hard to do.   It happens to all of us all too often. You meet someone and you think you have each been touched by the same star. Then what started as love turns into an annoyance, sometimes anger, sometimes hate. Sometimes there is just a feeling of being controlled. Sometimes it is a sadness. And many times a relationship ends because two people seem to be moving in different directions. Whatever the reason – someone decides, “I want out.” If ending a relationship was easy, there would not be so many songs written about ending relationships. Deciding how to say “It’s over.” 1. Before saying anything at all, write out the pros and cons of the relationship. 2. Write out the 5 qualities about the other person that helped you to fall in love. 3. Write out at least 2 things that brought the two of you joy. 4. In a completely rational way ask yourself, “If he or she were breaking up with me, what are the words that I would want to hear. Start from a positive position – “We have shared happy times together.” 5. State the reality – “Something is not working between us.” 6. Express your need – “I need to move on.” 7. Be willing to listen, calmly, to the other person’s reaction. And it is all right to cry! © Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Packaging Sex and Abstinence & Video Laughter

Rita Watson — Sun, 04 May 2008 01:12:32 +0000
Sex sells. Whether we wrap in an abstinence package or talk about it through Planned Parenthood – we are talking about sex. In the abstinence world, the talk of sex translates into “no sex before marriage,”    and it comes without the sound advice of safe sex based on good science. Escaping the message of sex is difficult to do. We live in a society in which magazines, movies, and television have blurred the boundaries of propriety. Sex is so much a part of our culture that even advertising for cars comes with seductive overtones. While we seem to be a society that likes sex, according to the recent Durex Survey the US ranks 23 out of 26 nations in terms of sexual satisfaction. Nonetheless sex is still on the minds of the “Virginity Rules” movement. And the more money we pour into abstinence legislation the more we hear about its failures. A study by Mathematica Policy Research Inc. shows that abstinence education makes no difference with regard to the age of a teenager’s first sexual experience. Recent hearings in Washington seem to imply that reluctantly some members of Congress may be coming to the same conclusion.   Washington times What is the real message of abstinence education? Proponents would like to see children place more value on marriage and family than on sex. That’s a good message. But tax dollars should not be funding it. However, I would be pleased to see money spent on programs that instill passion and intimacy – not through sex, but through art, dance, and music. And I would favor funding for model family programs where children might learn to talk about ethics, feelings, relationships, and the value of intimacy and friendship.   My grandmother taught us about family at the dining room table. There we shared thoughts, celebrated joys, and learned to decipher the meaning of a sigh, a half smile, an unspoken sadness. Today we live in a world of fragmented families often on treadmills racing against activities and time. There are few role models. But that doesn’t absolve us from our responsibilities as parents. Sex is a part of growing up. And it is up to us, not the Congress, to teach our children to grow up responsibly and respectfully of others as well themselves. And it doesn't hurt if we can do so with a sense of humor. Here is a Jon Stewart abstinence laugh.  When abstinence doesn't work Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

My Mom Did What?!

Rita Watson — Mon, 05 May 2008 01:12:50 +0000
The Washington Post Cover Story photo shows a mom with an apron and hanging from pockets you will see a pink of Jack Daniels, a bong pipe, riskee panties, and those ever provocative handcuffs. Hmm, she had some relationships. So suddenly a research dilemma has surfaced. There doesn't seem to be any studies regarding what to tell teens about our past. I mean "our past" doesn't that mean that we can "pass over it" and just let selective senility take its course? I always tried to be an honest Mother. When one of my sons asked if his girlfriend could spend the night I remember saying, "Absolutely not." Not one to take "no" for an answer, he pushed a bit harder. "What would you rather have me do -- spend the night with her in the back seat of a car?" Withough skipping a beat I responded, "Yes, cold and uncomfortable, just like we did it.... Well... not me... I meant to say... we... as in my generation...." As the Post story tells when mothers were comparing notes about their most outrageous experience, one mother recounted her days as a topless pole dancer. A little too much information~ But its a relationship problem and parents needs to make a decision on how to deal with it. And honestly might be a policy to consider.    However, it depends upon the already established relationship with your teens. A teen who asks "Did you smoke pot?" Might deserve the answer, "The reason I know how dangerous it can be is that 'yes' I did try it." The article says, "Research does show that it's important for parents to establish clear household values. 'If you don't want your kid to have unprotected sex, or you don't want them having sex when very young, or doing drugs, it's very important to show very strong disapproval of that,' Manlove stressed. In other words, you risk sending a mixed message if you broke any of those rules and then ask your child not to break them." Make a pros and cons list. Understand the maturity level of your child. Try to hear the question that he or she is really asking. Do they want to know about YOUR past? Or are they asking about your past in order to gauge an action they are contemplating in the the present or future. The Post articles noted, "Especially with teens, it is helpful for parents to remain authoritative without being authoritarian, and it is hard to be authoritative if there has been too much self-disclosure." The Secret Lives of Moms Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Hunches and Intuition: Relationship Saviors

Rita Watson — Tue, 06 May 2008 12:01:02 +0000
Nothing in the world of appearances can help us find love — and detach ourselves from deception — with the same clarity as our own inner voice. Men call it hunches. Women call intuition. We often think of intuition as that “funny feeling inside” when something is going wrong. But it can work miracles for you. Hotel chain magnate Conrad Hilton played his hunches and built his empire. Golf champion Jack Nicklaus dreamed of the swing that lifted him out of a slump and perfected his game. What does this have to do with relationships? The point is simple. If turning over a problem to the creative psyche can lead to a hotel chain, a championship golf game, and a Nobel Prize (yes the nerve impulse experiment of Physicist Otto Loewi) just think of what it can do to improve your relationships. In fact the possibilities are only limited by the boundaries of your imagination. Intuition needs a higher pedestal The problem with intuition is that most people only think about it as a warning. In a failed relationship, so many people say “I never saw it coming.” Yet when they rethink the situation they admit:

“I suppose we talked about it, but I didn’t want to believe what I was hearing.”

“I sensed that something was missing, but I thought it was my fault.”

“I was always suspicious, but I couldn’t exactly tell you why.”

But those who face themselves honestly will admit “I knew it. I just knew it.” So here we are back to honesty again. It is time to retrain your instincts so that you can hear the voice inside you lead you to a more positive place. That postive place is one of honesty within our own hears.

Do Intuition and Destiny marry?

Rita Watson — Wed, 07 May 2008 00:56:28 +0000
The truth about intuition is simple. The more connected we are to ourselves the easier it will be to connect meaningfully to others.  Why is this? Because our inner voice is clear and unequivocal. After yesterday's posting on Hunches and Intuition, a reader wrote and asked, "Do intuition and destiny marry?" Hope Roderick comes back to clarify.   Intuition leads to bonding love: Intuition leads us to our destiny, the man or woman to whom we are destined for life long love. I am not talking about infatuation, not that high moment of waking on air that feels like and becomes an addiction in which we try to ignore what our inner voice is telling us -- or even waving the red flags. I am talking about a relationship in which two people are clear in their minds that each can offer the other treasured, honest love with no strings attached. No hidden agendas. I have a friend who just married; his new wife talks more about her shoes than her love. I certainly can't judge a sister Imelda. But as one friend pointed out -- other than her shoes and smile -- what does she bring to the table? When something doesn't feel right: If you are in a relationship that is satisfying for the most part, but "something doesn't feel right" listen to your inner voice. Talk to your friends. Then talk to your new love.  Listen for fine line between truth and near-truth.   And if something does really annoy you, confront without being confrontational. Sometimes people shade the truth because they are afraid. Make it easy for both or you to put all of your cards on the table. Remember the Emmet Fox story about an irritation as an ember that flies from the fireplace. If it stays on your sleeve, it will burn a hole. “Flick it off.” Trust your instincts: Once you start to trust your intuition you will find the courage to get out relationships that are hurtful. Then you will have room for wonderful new opportunities. The comments from hundreds of interviews in writing my books indicate that many women give away too much of themselves in relationships by loving someone who is is hurting them emotionally or even physically. There was a recent New York Times article that says “Hope” is the negative force that keeps us chained. You stay stay in a relationship because you hope it will get better. Change even for the better is stressful. But if it is time for a change – do so with love. Serendipity's surprise: Make room in your life and heart for Serendipity's surprise. Serendipity is chance -- those chance meetings that come out of the blue. When you stop home to pick up an umbrella and an old college love stops by "taking a chance that you might be there." Sitting next to someone at a graduation and discovering that you both love to laugh, like the feel of newsprint on your hands, and adore champagne. What is key is keeping a positive attitude. When someone bumps into you and spills coffee, look up and smile. It could be the love of your life. What does your intuition tell you about your choices in relationships up to now? What is the mistake you keep making over and over again? Decide now to change the pattern --find a partner who brings out the best in you -- and you will both find yourselves loving life! And yes, intuition and destiny do marry when we are open. When we say to the universe, I am looking for life long love then we should keep our eyes open wide, because life long love is looking for us as well. Yearnings and Intuition: Rabbi Irwin Kula in his book called Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life  says, in the opening section on LOVE --"It all begins with the yearning for love. The observation 'It is not good to be alone' is the first intuition about human beings in the Bible, in the story of Adam and Eve." Rabbi Kula's interpretation is one in which intuition and destiny embrace as Adam and Eve move from the garden of disappointment into the world of intimacy. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Boo to Barbara; Yes, I Interviewed Her Back When

Rita Watson — Thu, 08 May 2008 00:14:04 +0000
More years ago than I care to admit, I interviewed Barbara Walters for the Ridgewood Hearld News. She was showing a group of young reporters a picture of her daughter. The reporters oohed and aahed trying to decide if the baby looked more like Barbara or the baby’s father. "Who do you think the baby looks like?" She asked. I replied, “I remember when you had the Baby.” “Then you watch the show,” is what she said to me. And gave me an extended interview. At the time, I owned a TV – don’t own one now and haven’t for many years. What I do remember is Barbara talking on air about her daughter’s adoption. At the time, she seemed honest and sincere and I really liked her. But I am terribly disappointed that she would talk about an affair with a married man. I know infidelity seems to be the way of the world. It doesn't make it right. And it doesn't mean we should be announcing it to the world. So maybe what Barbara is thinking is this -- what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. If men can talk about their affairs, maybe this is how women can stand up and be counted.   Barbara talks about the glass ceiling! Surely women can stand on their integrity rather than whacking the glass ceiling with "barbs" and secrets in order to be noticed. Barbara tells all And by the by, Star Jones is blasting the blabbing of Barbara. Blasting WaWa Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Cheating: Husbands, Wives, Orchids and Wasps

Rita Watson — Sat, 10 May 2008 03:25:47 +0000
In this next link, Dr. Scott Halzman gives us the facts about cheating. And in a strange way it appears that there is some cheating going on in the world of orchids, which are luring away the wasps. What’s happening here? This is a lazy Saturday with just a few varied stories. We are big fans of Dr. Scott Haltzman who wrote The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happily Married Men. His words of wisdom and efforts to keep marriages solid are laudable. In this link he is highlighted explaining why it is the men cheat. There are lots of stories out there right now that are talking about men cheating on women when they don't hear enough gentle words. But on the flip side, men who are secretive and can’t talk to their wives or lovers often find that their wives are straying seeking to fill the void. No one likes to hear, “Let’s talk” but marriages and relationships frequently falter simply because there isn’t enough talk or if there is and one party disagrees, the friction starts. Rather than face and fix it, someone just leaves. Sad isn’t it? Why men cheat The orchids and the wasps: And now the problem of orchids that mimic female wasps. They are luring away the males. While the flowers benefit from the pollinators, apparently it is taking its toll on the female wasps. It seems that even in nature, there is some cheating going on. Orchids and wasps Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The Wedding Report and Forgiveness

Rita Watson — Sun, 11 May 2008 00:16:15 +0000
It’s May and The Wedding Report says that over two million couples will be walking down the aisle next month. June brides are thinking bliss while grooms are on a roller-coaster. Neither is thinking that 50% of marriages will end in divorce with rates even higher for marriages that involve children. Yet ironically, a well documented yearly Canadian report says that depression rates nearly double when couples are ending a marriage verses those who stay in the relationship.   However, here is good news. Minor changes to one’s life style, which result in a change of attitude, are within reach. These include expanding one’s social circle, identifying stressors, and practicing forgiveness. Friendships are protective. The Journal of the American Medical Association found that when healthy volunteers were infected with a cold virus, those who had a network of social contacts were less likely to get sick than the loners. Friends help you to stay balanced, will help you laugh at yourself, and understand the forgiveness factor.   Too often when marriage becomes rocky people ignore the problem or they take their differences to the public arena and this is a dangerous place because you are bordering on cynical hostility. What are some of the signs that you are verging on hostility? Being crticial of others, blaming others, reliving events that make you angry,  sniping at your spouse or partner in public. What eventually happens is that friends being to avoid you, may call less frequently. This is sad because the real danger with cynicism and anger is that they are predictors of heart attacks. Practice forgiving. It is a lot simplier than you might think.  Write down the one thing that is bothering you about your spouse or lover. Ask yourself what role you are playing in problem. Then write ten positive qualities of your partner.   A friend who long practiced Religious Science says it takes ten positives to cancel out one negative. Begin to see yourself interacting with the positive person with whom you fell in love. Take a chance and embrace change, a change in thinking from anger to forgiveness. It will do wonders for your heart and may save your marriage or relationship. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Hillary on Top? It’s Sounding Like Confused Lovers

Rita Watson — Mon, 12 May 2008 01:09:00 +0000
If you have never had the good fortune to try to decide between two lovers, and wondered what it feels like to be in such a predicament -- consider the ups and downs of Hillary and Obama. One day Hillary is the love, next day it is Obama. Hillary is up. Obama is down. And vice versa. What's the tie breaker? Liza Porteus Viana may have delivered us the answer. She said, "Over a dozen 'swing state' Democratic members of Congress today sent a letter to others in their party saying Clinton is the best option for the 'top of the ticket.' She says, "Not the best option for just 'the ticket,' but 'the top' of the ticket. That's what's needed to beat John McCain in the general election ... It appears that in three Quinnipiac University Swing State polls released May 1 show that among white working class voters, Clinton has strong leads over McCain - and runs much better than Barack Obama - in Florida, Ohio and Pennsylvania. If Obama is the Democratic nominee, he's in a tight race with McCain in Florida and Ohio, but takes Pennsylvania." Now this is the real consideration here.  NO ONE has made it to the White House since 1960 without carrying two of these three swing states.   Why is this like deciding between two lovers -- we all want the Brass Ring and want to be sure we made the right choice. Political-machine Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

What is Love?

Rita Watson — Wed, 14 May 2008 00:11:27 +0000
Was at the Philharmonic this evening where I was captivated by the passionate interplay between Andre Watts and the piano. To accompany him, there was an orchestral chorus of sensual woods, lighthearted strings, and melodic feelings that said, "This is love." For about two years now, it seems that I have been working pretty much non-stop. While we took time for several plays and a few formal events, somehow the symphony never made it on the calendar.   Tonight sitting with enchanting friends in the second row -- I was dazzled. I could see the pianist's lips move as he spoke to the keyboard. I could dance with his fingers as they teased and glided over the keys. I could feel his body breathe and drink in the sounds. There was no musical score to distract him, he and Beethovan's Piano Concerto No. 5 in E-flat Major, op. 73 were one and the same. Yes, this was love. His love of music and our love for the gift he gave to the audience. I closed my eyes and realized that whether married, single, or coupled -- music lightens up the soul. From tempting little adagio whispers, to cello sounds creating butterflys, to the thundering orgasmic crescendo of the full orchestra, I was captivated by love.  The musicians and pianist were in dialogue with each other exchanging alluring melodies. I was intrigued by the eye's of the young child with us. And as I glanced at him, the hand of a gentleman keeping time at the end of our row caught my eye. My hand was also keeping time. Our hands were in sync. This little bit of serendipity inspired me to write my next column for the Providence Journal. Sonia Choquette in her book, Your Heart's Desire, says that one of the things we need to think about when we have a dream or a goal is to focus on feelings. When you are writing and hit a dry spot it is difficult to remember words flying off a page. But sometimes just the act of sitting and writing anything helps me reclaim my voice. But this is a blog about love and relationships, and so here are some ways that she might suggest if companionship is your desire. Use your imagination to fashion a dream.  If you wish to bring love into your life, here are some ideas that will help you attract what you desire:
Speak words of love and speak loving.

Give praise and good wishes generously.

Think about what the person will feel like when close to you.

Hear a conversation in your head as to what you will talk about.

Answer the question, "What will my day look like if I start it and end it with the love of my life.
And I would like to add, make time for one another that doesn't consist of doing, but being and enjoying and relaxing and loving. Keep in mind that we are talking life long love, not a momentary fling or thrill that starts out hot and fiery but burns out fast when you discover why "love is blind." This is about the true, stable companionship of joys and sorrows, good times and bad, agreements and disagreements -- but always you can say, "I am here." The question of love has been asked for centuries. One of the most enduring quotes is from Corinthians: Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited; it is never rude or selfish. Love does not take offense neither it is resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s faults, but delights in the truth. Love is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes. 1 Corinthians 13:4 One can search for love, or one can wait for love.   But for certain one must prepare the heart to give and receive love.   The more love we give to others, the more likely love will come to us. The choice is ours. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Love Making: Duration by Romance vs. the Clock

Rita Watson — Thu, 15 May 2008 00:20:35 +0000
Ever since the AP announced an upcoming report regarding the ideal duration for sex, couples seem to be concerned about performance. Isn’t the ultimate intimacy supposed to be the ultimate expression of love? We like to believe that love making is the coming together literally and figuratively of a couple whose hearts and souls are united. And when that is the case, there is no such thing as the perfect length of time or duration for love making because time is lost in ecstasy. But in our society of incurable researchers, a number has been placed on optimal sexual duration, and yes, a stop watch was used. We did talk about this before -- April 4th -- but many of you had questions that were left unanswered. Satisfaction: Now that the actual research has been published, these are the findings. A satisfactory sexual experience – excluding foreplay -- lasts from 3 to 13 minutes according Penn State Erie researchers. How was this determined? Through a survey of 50 members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research who as a group have seen thousands of patients over several decades. On the clock: The average responses for duration said that "adequate," ranged between 3-7 minutes; "desirable," between 7-13 minutes; whereas 1 -2 minutes was "too short" and 10 – 30 minutes was considered "too long". The goal of the study was to present realistic data about acceptable love making, thus preventing sexual disappointments and dysfunctions. Here is the abstract. Duration of Intercourse The art of romance: Given the reports about cheating and infidelity making headlines today, it makes one wonder if married couples or couples in general have forgotten the art of romance. I know of couples in which the husband or lover still leaves chocolates under the pillow or a rose at the breakfast table. They make a point of leaving each other little love notes in surprising places -- from bathroom mirror to inside suitcases to jacket pockets. We will be presenting another report regarding satisfaction among married couples which is more positive than some of the gloomier findings these days. Couples worried about sexual performance and duration might first take a look at romance. And if what is happening in the bedroom is boring, then try loving words or another room -- or paint the room you have! Here is a terrific article from WebMD: 10 Secrets to a Better Love Life The magazine rack: Or get yourselves any one of the May magazines on the news stands – it seems that from Cosmo to GQ, from Women’s Health to Men’s Health the number of new tricks are enough to make one’s head spin, but duration aside, just reading the pages will spice up your life. April 4, Optimal duration for sex and 2 good comments! Because we do read our mail, although Ferol wishes you would respond in comments instead, please WATCH FOR more advice and information about:

Sex with your ex

Can ex-lovers remain friends?

Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Deception in Love and Sex

Rita Watson — Fri, 16 May 2008 00:31:09 +0000
With the new wave of political sex scandals, I was looking for research on deception in marriage. Instead I found a recent study of college students who seemed to be lying for love.   That article regarding deception before sharing intimacies appeared in the February issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. The researchers noted: “Prevalence of lying and deception within our society is found in countless forms, including literature, movies, self-help books, advice columns, and websites.” As such they were developing a behavior-based sexual discussion scale. Their expectation was to focus on deceptions that individuals use in order to engage in sex. They hypothesized that deception might be contributing to the spread of sexually transmitted diseases STDs). How did the students fare with respect to the types of lies? It was reported in one sample that 85% admitting to lying to a relationship partner. What did they lie about? The most prevalent lie (58%) was with regard to caring for, their love for, their partner. Being unfaithful to one's partner, kissing another person were also among the frequently mentioned. (But I would like add here, that sometimes one needs discretion before engaging in a "tell all.") What were the top love and sex lies?

The number of previous partners (31.1%),

Having an orgasm (26.2%),

Telling a partner that he or she was "the best" (17.5%),

Saying, "I love you" (16.7%),

With regard to STDs the deception was surprising. Nondisclosure rates ranged from 12% to 33% to primary partners with regard to STDs and among those with genital herpes 38% did not disclose to their regular sexual partners (with a higher percentage of nondisclosure for casual partners). And as for those with human papillomavirus (HPV), the deception rate was a whopping 69% that is, those who failed to disclose their serostatus to new partners prior to sexual intercourse. (There is a movement on right now suggesting that teen age boys as well as girls should be considering the new vaccine.) Who were the participants? These were 267 sexually active students from two major universities in Southern California. Participants received credit toward a psychology class requirement in exchange for their involvement in the study. Role models are absent: To suggest that the lies are a blatant betrayal of trust is to state the obvious. And yet, while the values of the students might be disturbing, we must wonder, "Where are the role models?" Indeed over the past few months the images of politicians who had been cheating on their wives has been seen all over the media. There they are, the politicians beating their chests in a endless stream of mea cupa’s. The wives are stoic. Our hearts break for the children. However, there is also new research that points to celibate marraiges where two people stay together for the sake of children.   Adults -- deception or discretion? This is another story. Some material suggests that adults color the truth even more so than college students with regard to past lovers. Time, memory, and fear of admission have a way of "clearing the slate" of partners who were not significant others. They may be exercising discretion. Our past may shape who we are but in going forward many people reinvent themselves -- and perhaps in so doing, they are shedding negative behavior. Nonethless as we look at a current study among college students, it seems that our value system has gone awry. This is the sexual deception discussion model http://www.accessmylibrary.com/coms2/summary_0286-34129767_ITM            Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Some Ex-Lovers Can’t Be Friends

Rita Watson — Sat, 17 May 2008 00:01:42 +0000
The Big Question on the homepge of AOL today under "Yedda’s Ask and Answer" was this: "LOVE: I need advice about getting over a break-up." And she added that her ex-lover wanted to be friends. It seems that a 24 year old speech therapist was head over with a man she wanted to marry. But after the break up she discovered that her ex-lover was cheating and even had a MySpace page. She is devastated, but look what she says about him, “He was a nobody and through the years (4 years) I loved him and fought for him to become somebody.” He wants to be friends: Apparently he became a somebody, even got a job with the airlines, but instead of staying with “brokenhearted” he is now living with another women who has a child and “who depends on him for a place to live.” But he still wants to be friends, calls begging, and insists he is trying to get of the mess. The woman beneath her: What she find upsetting is not just losing this man to another woman – but to a woman whom she indicates is manipulative and beneath her and who calls her as well.   Needless to say the reader's advice was "no calls, no contact." Non-judgmental: It is difficult to be non-judgmental, but Deepak Chopra reminds us that in The Course on Miracles there is a passage, “Today I will judge nothing that occurs.”   And by that he also means, “I will judge no one.” It is so hard to do, believe me. But women who have given this a try find that it helps them acknowledge their feelings of anger and thoughts about their ex-lovers, but rise above it. Some are grateful to lose what in this young woman’s case was “a millstone around her neck.”  Many others simply become wistful because of the emptiness. Can ex-lovers be friends? I think in some cases they can and should be -- next week we will explore this further. Also coming: "Manipulation and Co-dependency" and "Getting Over and Ex-Love" and a reader’s question, “Therapists, what’s going on here?”   See comments from May 9th and 10th. (A NOTE ABOUT EDITING --In most cases, comments are not edited. But one reader signed off “Damaged goods” and I requested that our administrator “the comment sign-off guru” delete the signature. It made me feel sad. It's my blog. And I didn't want to feel sad. But in reality, we all have little cracks in our personalities. Some heal over time. Some need to be patched by friends.  Others just become a part who we are. Yet every one of us, despite a few dents and cracks, has a unique gift deep inside our hearts that will be a blessing to someone, somewhere.  / Rita E)

Schachter in Lights at RISD, NYU, Yankee Stadium

Rita Watson — Sat, 17 May 2008 09:51:32 +0000
First Red Sox fan Michael Schachter is steaming in the New York Post about NYU’s graduation at Yankee Stadium and now David Schachter is “Busted” at RISD with his film reviewed in the Providence Journal. Tonight, David’s film will be shown at RISD along with the projects of other graduating seniors.   And here is the review from the Providence Journal. RISD Film Festival.   Scroll down to the 7th paragraph. Congratulations David and a belated Happy Birthday. Here are Michael's words from our Blog post: Yankee Stadium for NYU Grads: A Decisionmaking Flunk What's the connection here? David and Michael are brothers whose names are already making headlines. To Steve and Sue, Mazel tov! This just in!  Steve Schachter's Op-Ed appeared today in the Providence Journal! Weighing the Risks and Benefits of Anti-epileptic Drugs. Now if I just had a picture of the beautiful jewelry made by Susan Schachter, her Artful Jewel designs, then this family blog post would be complete. Since I am one of her biggest fans, I will remember to take a photo and upload. Or contact her directly at artfuljewel@gmail.com and she can send you some photos. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson and Ferol Vernon

Getting Over Your Ex-Love

Rita Watson — Sun, 18 May 2008 02:00:34 +0000
Just a bit of practical advice here for those who are stinging from a break-up.

Fall in love with a new habit even if it is a walk around the park --and it will help you get over your ex if you truly observe what is around you.

Take up exercise and run until you are breathless and your head will spin and your will forget about your ex at least for those moments.

Find a new hobby or read a good book that totally captivates you and you won't give a thought to your ex.

Go out with real friends and never discuss your ex-lover.

Plant a window garden, nurture it, care for it, and watch the flowers bloom -- become absorbed enough in the process and you will think about it as a way of planting new seeds in your heart to blossom new feelings for new love.

Write a long list of all your own positive qualities until you feel good about yourself again and will wonder why you ever loved your ex-love.

Remind yourself each day that somewhere in the universe is a person looking for you.

Can ex-lovers be friends? As I said yesterday I think in some cases they can and should be — next week we will explore this further. Also watch for the upcoming: “How co-dependents manipulate and eventually dominate in their demand for loyalty." "How women in Tokyo have learned to seduce men who are caretakers." "Therapists, what’s going on here?”  -- an answer to a reader's question. See May 9th and 10th. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Are You Being Manipulated by a Co-Dependent?

Rita Watson — Mon, 19 May 2008 01:00:40 +0000
Much as we would rather not say it, in fact there is a close tie between manipulation and co-dependency. Coping with Codependency by Kay Marie Porterfield offers a few definitions to help us recognize the signs. We present them here. Notes in italics are ours, although they are not original thoughts, but rather a compilation of conventional wisdom, anecdotal material, and research. (I encourage you to read About Kay Marie.) People-pleasing. When we tell people what we think they want to hear no matter what we are really thinking and feeling, we are trying to manipulate them into liking us. We pretend to be what we are not in order to avoid conflict and prevent people from rejecting or leaving us. NB: You are being manipulated when people are not honest with you. Being instantly intimate. Sometimes codependents crave closeness so much that we overwhelm people by crashing through their boundaries. We try to spend every minute we can with them. We share our problems with then, whether they want to listen or not. We demand absolute loyalty. NB: You are probably being manipulated when someone tells you the intimate details of his or her life when you first meet.  When someone so overwhelmes you with stories of past abuse that you become enraged at the abuser, you are being manipulated. With regard to the loyalty Kay Marie speaks of (and its first cousin "jealousy") you may well be asked to account for your whereabouts at every moment and checked-up on. You may be asked often if you are looking at, having sex with, or a have a deep friendship with someone else. Caretaking. We confuse caring about people with taking care of them. Often we try to help people when they neither want nor need our help. Other times we may hook up with people who really do need help and we give so much of it that we keep them dependent on us. NB:  This is confusing. But men are considered to be so vulnerable to medically needy women that a new craze is on -- women on Tokyo are using eyepatches and gauze wrapped around their heads or arms to attract a man. Watch for an upcoming blog post about this. Playing guilt games. Instead of owning up to the anger we feel when our manipulations fail to work, codependents walk around feeling hurt and sad. We usually make certain the people around us know how bad they have made us feel and try to make them feel guilty for hurting or disappointing us. NB: You may be a victim of manipulation when you confront the co-dependent with the truth, then he or she becomes angry with you for the accusation. You may be THE MANIPULATOR if someone is honest with you and says things you don't want to hear and then you punish them by telling them they made you feel guilty. What really gets mixed up here is when you begin to treat others who are not co-dependent with you as if they are thus alienating family and friends who really care about you and love you, just as you are. For more about co-dependency visit this website.   http://www.kporterfield.com and re-read the Blog post of Manipulation and academia. What do we do about the co-dependency and manipulation trap? Think of yourself as a valuable person who can be loved and appreciated without getting sucked in by manipulators. Find ways, through friends who believe in you, or therapy, to break the habit, the learned behavior, that really doesn't serve you well. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

What if … marriage thoughts & Same-Sex Marriage

Rita Watson — Tue, 20 May 2008 02:00:14 +0000
What IF is just a beautiful look at men and women and makes the case for marriage. The comment at the end about same-sex marriage is from a political point of view. What IF … she really didn’t mean to say those hurtful words? … he honestly forgot your birthday ... your problems don’t last forever? … you were both wrong? … you didn’t leave? … you fell in love all over again? ... you made it? ...this time things were truly different? From “Still the One” by Martha Bolton as adapted from Lists to Live By: For Everything that Really Matters Multnomah Publishers REGARDING SAME SEX MARRIAGE I think one of the most interesting articles on the topic came from syndicated columnist Deb Price -- Sneakiness Wins

“Injured Doll” Syndrome Attracts Caretaker Men

Rita Watson — Tue, 20 May 2008 02:24:20 +0000
The "Injured Idol" has taken over the Harajuku neighborhood in Tokyo. Bandages and eye patches are used to lure caretaker men. It brings the notion of "damel in distress" to an entirely new level. We talked about the story of women who are realizing that men are attracted to women who need to be taken care of by someone.  It is a form of manipulation, but it seems to be working. The fetish story hit Boing Boing about a year ago, but has just made it into American's mainstream women's magazines. We read about it in Marie Claire. For more, here is the link. Injured Doll Attraction You may want to read our posting "Are You Being Manipulated by a Co-Dependent? This gives a pretty clear picture of how this behavior fits into the needs of men who like taking care of "broken dolls" --women who are needy little girls. Guess it is time to get back to The Dictionary of Love and Danger: For Men Only which we are compiling into an e-book for clueless men and the women who love them. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Three Date Rule — Hold Out or Make Love

Rita Watson — Wed, 21 May 2008 02:26:17 +0000
The blogs are abuzz with the question: How long should you wait before becoming intimate with someone? The readers who comment on this question in Yahoo's "Shine"  have a variety of answers. But they essentially fall into three categories: do what feels best; follow the three date rule; or get to know someone before you bed down with them.

Doing what feels best -- basically trust your gut. If deep inside you feel you should get to know someone better, than do it. You heart always gives you the right answer. And if you feel the need to question either yourself or a friend, the anwer is probably "no."

Follow the three date rule -- that's pretty silly, what can you learn by the third date that you don't already know on the first? It is basically superficial and artificial. Rule out the rule, I'd say.

Wait until you get to know someone better. This probably makes the most sense. By waiting until the "Bloom wears off the rose," you might have had that infatuation period cool down just enough :

              -->>   to begin appreciate and to believe in the qualities of your new love,              -->>    to question some of his or her motives, or              -->>    to face what you would rather not face -- that you have been sucked in by someone who has said all the right things, but who basically lured you into a game for their own gain. (Not your sweetheart? Watch more TV re-runs!) The love business can be tricky. While some people are totally honest, and who truly wish for lifelong love, there are just as many who have had the opportunity to read you like a simple graph. For the clueless, the oblivious, the too trusting -- you may have a none too pleasant surprise. In the words of Denny Crane, "Love is an ugly business, my friend. An ugly, ugly business." My best aswer -- is WAIT -- if the person you think you love today is really right for you, then you will be in love tomorrow and the next day and the day after with no tension, regrets, or surprises.   The relationship may not always be smooth. But you will stick with it because you will believe in a companion who will share with you the good times and the sad ones. However, each morning you will wake up knowing that you are loved! Copyright 2008  Rita Watson

Could You Have Sex Every Day?

Rita Watson — Wed, 21 May 2008 13:57:59 +0000
There is a new book coming out recently featured in the Providence Journal about a woman's 40th birthday present to her husband. Frankly, from men and women who have shared this info with me, most men talk a good game -- vacations are times of great intimacy -- but once back into daily routine, they fade fast. Women have a different attitude. The real issue is how well you both communicate. If two people respect each other's words, whether or not they agree, but at least face each other and talk about the problem -- then loving daily is not only possible, but will become a natural extension of feelings. Yes, sex every day is possible. But women or men who have fallen in love with their critical side, "How many times have I told you...." will find that love and intimacy will leave them cold. Sex Every Night? If I can offer any advice here it is this -- spend time often with someone you love. Make a date every day to just be together to talk, to smile, and to interpret the silences. Even 10 minute coffee breaks are good. I remember when I was a daily commuter and would meet husbands on the train. They often said that they joined their spouses for a drink every night. Many of them are still married, and happily. Am beginning to wonder if that little ritual is what fostered continuity, communication, and loving. (As for daily sex, I never asked. But as I think back, they all had a twinkle in their eyes.) Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Girls Cigar Night Out: Sexy Guys and Friendship

Rita Watson — Thu, 22 May 2008 00:43:56 +0000
The girls are doing Cigars and Champagne tonight – except for moi — who in true Denny and Alan tradition is drinking Scotch. Apparently cigar smoking women are becoming all the rage. So I stopped in at our local smoke-filled Tobacco shop — nearly choked — but learned a few good tips about cigars for women. Stay away from those long, thin things. "Too harsh, not at all gentle on the lips," I was told. "And they don’t have that smooth mild flavor." A good cigar for a good guy: Hmm I wasn’t thinking in terms of eating them so flavor didn’t occur to me. The kindly Tobacconist suggested Hampton Court's Macanudo.  The first time I bought cigars was at smoke-shop off Glouster Street in Boston. I went into the emporium where men sat in leather chairs, sipped glasses of wine, puffed on their Davidoff's -- and I requested a good cigar. “What’s the occasion?” I was asked. “Just a good cigar for a good guy,” I replied. The Tobacconist raised his voice for the other men to hear.  “THE LITTLE LADY WANTS A GOOD CIGAR FOR A GOOD GUY!” I had forgotten that since the Monica and Bill days, a cigar will never again be just a cigar. While the men all chuckled, I slipped into the back room to perouse the hand-rolled leaves. Finally I settled for some pricey Davidoff’s — very pricey — anniversary editions. (A good cigar for a good Professor.) Choosing was so difficult that I subscribed to Cigar Aficionado, not just to learn about cigars, but because their covers always sport men such as Tom Selleck, William Shatner, Tiger Woods and even The Blues Brothers. Friendship on Boston Legal: What is it that I love so much about the show? The lawyers, the bantering, the good writing. But most of all I love the friendship. Yet tonight Alan and Denny were rivals in court. (A conflict of interest, but this is TV). Their friendship was put to the test. They stopped speaking and sharing.  They questioned whether or not they were friends.  "Is our friendship worth no more than a jigger of scotch? " asked Denny. What is friendship?  Suddenly Alan realized he spent so much time trying cases that he wasn't making the time to be a friend. From tonight's show, words to live by: "Friendship is like a backyard garden. We always plan to tend to them, but we put it off until next week." As the ladies puffed on cigars on a crisp night overlooking the city, someone said, "A cigar is like a friend.  They need to be slowly rolled to light. You can't just smoke them. You need to nurture them. You puff gently and get a feeling for the way they taste. Then as you puff and think, puff and think, something sensual occurs . . ." Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The Men Have Their Say: See These Blog Comments

Rita Watson — Fri, 23 May 2008 02:05:50 +0000
Sometimes men think differently than women. And sometimes they don't. Hearing what men have to say might give us some perspective and help us take ourselves less seriously. Here are posts from readers: In terms of vulnerability, men can be clueless when it comes to recognizing manipulation.   May 13th, 2008 • 1 Comment • Sports Jock // May 13, 2008 at 1:15 am Brody here: Feel as if the Prof should answer this one. I’m jumping in because “Manipulate Brody” is written on my forehead. Cheating: Husbands, Wives, Orchids and Wasps Basically it is about communication. No one likes to hear, “Let’s talk” but marriages and relationships frequently falter simply because there isn’t enough talk or if there is and one party disagrees, the friction starts. Rather than face and fix it, someone just leaves and cheats. May 10th, 2008 • 1 Comment • the Professor // May 12, 2008 at 2:17 am Cheating on the significant other. There’s a hot topic.... He had everything he wanted but wanted the next one too. What’s that about? I have a male friend who says, “my problem is I can’t say 'no.'” Therapists? Tell me what’s going on? We do have a therapist about to comment! Marriage on the Rocks, Infidelity Without End Actually, this is best summed up by the last comment -- betrayal is betrayals is betrayal. May 9th, 2008 • 2 Comments • TheB // May 14, 2008 at 7:28 pm I’m feeling sorry for your francophile friend. Maybe I can find her a guy among the faithful 33%. So I did a mental survey among all my male friends, relatives and colleagues and sad to say, we all come up wanting. True, we are all monogamous and enjoy sex and if you would pass on the URL of the website where your beauty parlor friends shop for ‘toys’, we’ll happily investigate, but much to your survey’s chagrin, our mistresses are of a different nature: sports and politics mostly, with a couple of race car enthusiasts and deep sea fishermen. RODERICK // May 9, 2008 at 1:52 pm ‘CAN’T THINK IT MATTERS WHAT SIDE OF THE TRACKS HE/SHE COMES FROM; BETRAYAL IS BETRAYAL IS BETRAYAL! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Zen Decor and Saying “I’m Sorry”

Rita Watson — Fri, 23 May 2008 02:37:09 +0000
Every once in a while, life needs to be clarified.  A Three Date Rule" comment rightly questions me! A friend from our group of "usual suspect" wonders how this incurable romantic with no TV could be quoting Denny Crane. First off, no, there is no plasma TV hiding behind a Feng Shui drape, no laptops, no distractions.  In fact, I found a book at the Museum of Fine Arts last night that encouraged me to go into a further furniture rearrangement to create even more harmony by switching and tossing. As for quoting Denny Crane, "Love is ugly business" instead of "Love is never having to say you are sorry," I lost my head. Too much cigar smoke. Now about my decorating mania -- I love arranging and rearranging so much that I remember once when we were going to a wedding my Ex shouted up to one of my sons, "Hey could you hurry up with that shower. We need to leave for the wedding in an hour and your mother needs to move the bathroom." My goal is always clarity and simplicity. And yes, I have tried to follow Feng Shui but tonight I read through the Zen book and achieved another look by following the principles outlined in Zen Interiors by Vinny Lee who says, "In the world of Zen philosophy, the balance of elements and nature is central to its beliefs and so vital to the Zen interior, implemented through color as well as objects." What has this to do with love? In a calm home, a peaceful atmosphere, it is easier to achieve serenity and a meeting of the minds than in a home filled with clutter. In a place of quiet beauty, hopefully you never find yourself in a place where you should say, "I am sorry." But if you find yourselves in a bit of a snit -- truth is -- it doesn't matter who says, "I'm sorry" whether you are right or wrong. Just  say it, and go on loving. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

What Does He Really Want?

Rita Watson — Sat, 24 May 2008 01:04:09 +0000
Once again the women's magazines are talking about his G-spot and his O- spot. But what does a guy really want in a woman? Am sending you to a link that can be summed up in the following -- there are wants and needs. For example, he wants no commitment pressure -- and yet he would like her to be open with her feelings. A Catch 22 here. Be careful. This link and the magazines, which seem to be in sync say, he wants:

An emotionally and financially stable challenge

A woman who really enjoys pleasing him and being pleased

Someone who keeps herself looking attractive -- no going to bed in sweats

He would like someone who respects his emotional and physical space

Women who both listen and talk without being disrespectful get high marks

What he DOES NOT Want: A woman who can be counted upon to make snide, condescending remarks. The books say for every negative crack it takes five positive remarks. In fact one of my books says it takes 10 positives to erase one negative. The choice is yours. What they Want Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

They’re Getting Married in the Morning!

Rita Watson — Sun, 25 May 2008 03:01:45 +0000
Well, afternoon really -- Ferol and Ricci -- are celebrating their big day. Remember Ferol's blog posts?  See the category, "Marry Me." This is an exciting day for all of us. And we are thrilled. So what are secrets to a happy marriage? Scott Haltzman, MD, tells all in The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happily Married Men. The best advice I have ever heard is this: Marriage Secret for HIM -- Each morning when you awake ask yourself, "What can I do to give my wife a happier and stress free day?" Marriage Secret for HER --Each morning when you awake ask yourself, "What can I do to give my husband a happier and stress free day?" How does this work? Take a look at one of my Providence Journal columns. Hormones, Spring Fever and Sex . From Dr. Haltzman's Secrets, for wives, he says: “Your actions can show your husband how to care for you. As you cater to your guy, he’s watching and learning what marriage means. He’s enjoying the love and care of his wife and will soon feel, if he doesn’t already, the desire to do the same for you.” Ferol and Ricci -- we are wishing you a lifetime of LOVE! (I promise to take and post photos! For now, here are photos and gossip from a royal wedding that has the Queen Mum steaming. Royal Wedding ) Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Tone of Voice, Love Enhancer or Wet Blanket

Rita Watson — Mon, 26 May 2008 03:01:06 +0000
The newspaper version of this article pretty much tells the story, Sexercise: Avoiding Heart Attacks Begins with Gentle Words. I am beginning to sound like a broken record -- but if you want love, you need to watch your words and tone of voice. It seems as if there is a rash of sniping and sarcasm going around these days. And in column after column of love advice, women are being admonished to watch their words. But men can be just as cutting even when they are looking for love. The questions are these:

Do you enjoy intimacy?

Do you like to give each other pleasure?

Do you enjoy making love?

Then a gentle word is the best aphrodisiac. And a great sense of humor always adds spice to the night. Happy Loving. Love and Heart Attacks Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Text Message Flirting and Love Codes

Rita Watson — Tue, 27 May 2008 03:01:15 +0000
It's hit the June magazines -- love and sex flirting via cell phones.  Imagine the combinations. Do I dare even suggest what your mind can think up on its own? The way we flirt is changing according to this Chicago Tribune article. It says that  "the immediacy of text-messaging makes it the preferred medium among information-barraged teens and twentysomethings—it's the contemporary, wireless equivalent of passing notes in class." Well, in fact it is happening with couples and people of all ages. Can you fill in the words IWU? IWUWM? IWtoHY. It is reminiscent of the days back when when Aristotle Onassis sent gold bracelets to his sweethears JILY or MILY. So here we have it -- and I guess there is no point in going into the new sex toy -- a silver bullet that can be turned on with a cell phone. Communication has come a long way! By the by, the reporter noted that "between December 2005 and December 2007, the number of text messages sent and received in the United States increased almost fivefold, from 9.8 billion text messages a month to 48.1 billion, according to The Wireless Association." How much love is wireless?  Wireless Love Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Hidden Agendas

Rita Watson — Wed, 28 May 2008 00:09:14 +0000
Hidden agendas are relationship hell that live in a cauldron of unspoken words and fiery outbursts. You might recognize these words from one of my Relationship columns, where I go on to say, "The good professor believes that women are masters of the veiled word and tells me, 'You just can’t seem to say what you mean.'" I'm bringing it up again because my Sunday column is about infidelity, because a number of you emailed me about this, and it was the topic of reader's comment. First off, let me say that once Ferol gets back from his honeymoon, we are moving away from you having to register to leave a comment and making it via a simple email so you can say what you wish to all the readers and not just be emailing me. Second, I promised pictures, but I need to wait for my technical guru to arrive on Friday. Now back to hidden agendas and words. Words play a real role in the way men move in and out of a relationship. While men see sniping and biting words as masking hidden agendas, and oftentimes they do, more women say to me that their biting remarks are a reaction to their man's passive aggressiveness. He withdraws into silence, and cutting words are just a way to "get a reaction." Even though it may be a negative reaction and push a guy off the relationship cliff, women find that passive agressiveness is a real relationship downer -- something that pushes them off the edge. Something occured to me this week-end at the lovely wedding we attended of Ferol and Ricci. Exhaustion is perhaps the singlemost factor that sends unkind words from women's lips. I wonder how often two people are just both just so tired, so weary, that their words become thoughtless because they are hurting and wanting just a tiny bit of gentleness and understanding. I for one am going to try something revolutionary -- eight hours of sleep. By the by, here is the column Sexual shutout in hidden agenda hell (Sept 2007) Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Paul McCartney, Dr. Ruth & Rita: Yale Graduation

Rita Watson — Wed, 28 May 2008 13:32:16 +0000
Exhilarating. First the wedding of Ferol and Ricci and then Yale Commencement with yes, Dr. Ruth and Sir Paul McCartney. I am on deadline trying to get my column in to the Providence Journal, so this is just a quickie. What was I doing at Yale? I am a long-time associate fellow at Ezra Stiles, one of Yale's 12 residential colleges. After walking at break-neck speed through the town, we came to a halt, lined up on either side of the path in the New Haven Green, and waited for the recipients of the honorary degrees to walk through and lead us into the Old Campus.   In a socializing moment of serendipity, I found myself being introduced to Dr. Ruth Westheimer -- better known as just "Dr. Ruth." Wait till you read what she told me about infidelity! Still to come: Photos. And what happened when Sir Paul McCarthy came upon two people, Rita and Dr. Ruth, who believe in love and sex. To the Happy Honeymooners! Ferol and Ricci hope you are loving every minute of that honeymoon. Your wedding was exquisitely beautiful and relaxed and romantic and ever-so-much fun. Love and happiness/ R Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

View Paul McCartney Receiving Yale Degree

Rita Watson — Thu, 29 May 2008 00:33:34 +0000
The photos arrived today of yours truly, Dr. Ruth, and Paul McCartney. Here we have streaming video of Sir Paul receiving his degree. At 1.12:29 I am rushing into the Old Campus behind the Ezra Stiles black and yellow flag and I am wearing sunglasses -- just in front of me was the former Dean wearing a beret. We are at the far left. Sir Paul, who had been behind us in line had now moved ahead to the grandstand. At 1.15 the Doctor of Law honorary degree was presented. You'll notice that there is no music. At 1:15:47 on the counter, the honorary Doctorate in Music is announced.  Now the music starts quietly, and with Tom Duffy leading the Yale Precision Marching Band, we begin to hear the sounds of "Hey Jude" amid the cheers. Commencement with Paul I remember when my sister and brother-in-law named their son Jude. And when I heard the music, I of course ... nostalgia. But almost simultaneously, Jeremy and Joshua, my sons, called me. My sons were pretty much raised on the Ezra Stiles campus. Since I was sitting next to the women who was Dean at that time, Dean Rita Lipson, hearing from my sons, and thinking of my nephew Jude, I felt as if I was in the midst of family. Promise when the computer guru arrives on Friday, he will get the photographs up of Rita, Dr. Ruth, and Sir Paul. Just seeing Dr. Ruth's apparent laughter will bring a smile to your face. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Forgiveness, Friendships, and Relationships

Rita Watson — Fri, 30 May 2008 01:28:25 +0000
With the forgiveness factor, do men perceive "forgive and forget" differently than women? I wish I had the answer. Best I can do here is to take some info from May 11th and add a note from www.Don'tDateHimGirl.com -- five reasons men fall out of love. Regarding forgiveness: Men -- The above mentioned site points out that "when things get tough, men go careening off the relationship cliff and often don't look back, also leading them to fall out of love." To learn more, check out Why Men Fall Out of Love: What Every Woman Needs to Understand by Michael French. Men are not as forgiving when they discover their wife is having an affair. However, I know of men who are very forgiving and simply let the good law of karma run its course. Women -- While women frequently don't leave, they may hold out on the forgiveness factor especially if they rationalize that they are in the right. With this attitude, everyone loses. In terms of infidelity, however, women tend to be more forgiving of their husbands, especially when children are involved. Friendships and tenure -- Sometimes relationships and friendships last a lifetime. Sometimes they are only meant to bring blessings for a particular moment in one's life. However, I am on the side of the Yale department head, who after learning that a woman turned down tenure to be with her husband in another country -- pounded his desk and said to us, "She was a fool. Marriages come and go. But friendships and tenure last forever." Friendships, Relationships, and Forgiveness Friendships are protective. The Journal of the American Medical Association found that when healthy volunteers were infected with a cold virus, those who had a network of social contacts were less likely to get sick than the loners. Friends help you to stay balanced, will help you laugh at yourself, and understand the forgiveness factor. Too often when a relationship of marriage becomes rocky -- for whatever the reasons --people ignore the problem, take take their differences to the public arena, find solace in an affair, or simply leave. Practice forgiving. It is a lot simplier than you might think.

Write down the one thing that is bothering you about your spouse or lover.

Ask yourself what role you are playing in problem.

Then write ten positive qualities of your partner. A friend who long practiced Religious Science says it takes ten positives to cancel out one negative.

Begin to see yourself interacting with the positive person with whom you fell in love.

Take a chance and embrace change, a change in thinking from anger to forgiveness. It will do wonders for your heart and may save your marriage or relationship. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Arts, Romance, and Vision: The Pell Awards

Rita Watson — Sat, 31 May 2008 00:45:54 +0000
If ever a tent was filled with romance to inspire love -- it was one created by set designers to celebrate with art award recipients. What is the connection between romance and the arts? The two interwoven create the fabric of love. To hear the words spoken in honor of the award recipients, one knew immediately why every couple needs time off from their daily routine to visit an art gallery or museum, attend a musical event, participate in theatre. During those uplifting moments, the anxiety of the day, the week will dissipate. Stopping to honor: Tonight many people stopped and took time to honor recipients of the awards named for the main sponsor of legislation that established the National Endowment for the Arts and Humanities, Senator Claiborne Pell.   As we listened to the words and what it means to cherish works of art, music, and theatre, I wondered why we didn't stop more often to honor and cherish those we love. Those we love: I have been thinking a great deal about friendships, relationships, family, frustrations, and anxiety. The world as we know it moves too quickly, our plates are too full, our calendars brimming over. When do we have time to think about those whom we love? So often in the stress and strain of not enough sleep, we become people that even we don't like -- and yet, when do we stop? Tonight many of us stopped. Many of us gathered to honor Roger Mandle, Peter Geisser, Consuelo Sherba and the Trinity Rep Acting Company. Award Recipients I am I ever so grateful to those friends who made it possible for me -- for us -- to create a memory.   The tent of romance: After the presentation we were escorted to a tent that filled nearly a city block of theatre sets where we dined on mini servings from the Japanese bar, a Latin lounge, and a French Bistro.  Each had adjoining living rooms, intimately created and defined. We sipped our champagne in a French provincial room of Oriental carpets and silver candleabras. Couples and vision: For a brief moment in time the willing suspension of disbelief captured us and we began to appreciate the words quoted by one of the speakers, "Where there is no vision, the people perish." (Proverbs 29:18) Couples and lovers need a vision -- everyone in a relationship needs a vision. But for the vision to blossom, we must renew our commitment daily.   Pell Awards Gala Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Highs and Lows after Dr. Ruth and Paul McCartney

Rita Watson — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 01:19:54 +0000
All week long, I have danced on the high notes. Since meeting Dr. Ruth and Paul McCartney at Yale I have been on a roller coaster.    I have both walked on air and felt deflated and down.  It happens sometimes. The Pell Awards last night were another high. And I don't want to forget to mention the wonderful wedding of Ferol and Ricci.  The Rabbi quoted in today's Providence Journal article performed their ceremony. I know, I promised those pictures as well. Ferol is MBA on Campus and the blog master guru. So by today, at week's end of too many highs, I crashed and went through one of my moods after too much socializing, and what did I do? I compulsively cleaned. I went through bookshelves, closets, and drawers. Then I found myself standing in a heap of "Now what?" So I crawled over the mountain of stuff to the computer and there in the links something caught my eye. And it was precisely what I needed -- laughter. There was a reference to one of my blog posts by Career Coach Malcolm O. Munro. And this inspired me to find the perfect companion to my "Married but Cheating" article in the Journal today. This blog post was about "Automatic Confessions." Confessing Adultery, a YouTube Laugh On a more serious note, with a humorous twist, you might wish to read Words, Friendship, and the Laughter Club Video Thank you, Malcolm. I encourage you to visit his site. In giving career advice, he frequently has a pearl of wisdom that helps relationships as well. Career Fitness Coach Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The Newlyweds’ Photo and Glass Slipper

Rita Watson — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 02:04:14 +0000
Just as promised, the photo of gorgeous Ferol and Ricci! But now you will see why we need to wait for his return to really view photos! Ironically I took my 89 year old parents to Harvard Square's Charles Hotel today to eat outdoors at Legal Seafood. Suddenly in the middle of the courtyard, "the wedding planners" arrived. Within minutes a team transfixed us as they brought in chairs, flowers, tulle, musicians, a minister, and a bride and groom! We were spectators at a wedding! Two in about a week. If three is the charm I do hope the Prince will return my glass slipper before the next deadline or I will be too busy writing to hop onto the saddle of his white horse. Ferol and Ricci -- It was an exquisite time! Thank you for finding each other!     Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Dr. Ruth & Rita: “Married but Cheating” Op-Ed

Rita Watson — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 02:18:00 +0000
In the world of Serendipity, I met Dr. Ruth at Yale Commencement. She gave me a quote for my Infidelity Op-ed, "Married but Cheating." Meeting Dr. Ruth is a wonderful story of two Yale college associate fellows (I'm from Ezra Stiles) and she was across the path (from Calhoun). Our meeting and talking led to a serenade by Sir Paul McCartney. Thank you Dean Stephen Lassonde for introducing two woman who believe in "good loving." Here is a link to the op-ed in today's Providence Journal. The newspaper version read as follows: Married but Cheating Ask Dr. Ruth: Infidelity on the Rise WHEN I WONDERED aloud, “Is infidelity a sin whose time has come?” my colleague retorted, “It never left!” Indeed, the string of politicians, sports figures and movie stars cheating on their wives is an endless parade of mea culpas. “Why do men cheat?” I asked Dr. Ruth Westheimer, psychosexual therapist, as faculty and fellows gathered for the Yale commencement this year. Her voice escalated. “It’s not only men! And put an exclamation point there. I have nothing more to say."    Married but Cheating Thank you, Dr. Ruth. And thank you to all who gave me quotes and interviews. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Paul McCartney, Rita, Dr Ruth & She Loves Me Photo

Rita Watson — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 03:22:29 +0000
Loving is good for the soul. Sir Paul's spontaneous song reminded me of our need for music, time, laughter, and forgiveness. In my world of too much to do and not enough time to do it, Commencement was a mini-vacation. Joining old friends and meeting new ones at Yale's Ezra Stiles College and walking along the path to old Campus with colleagues from Calhoun College gave all of us a sense of camaraderie and history. To Paul McCartney: Thank you. When I hurried Dr. Ruth from Calhoun's side over to our Ezra Stiles' side of the path -- as she experienced the thrill of "holding your hand" we savoured being photographed with you and friends and hearing your spontaneous serenade, "She loves ME, yeah, yeah, yeah." The answer is: "Sir Paul was delightful, playful, and sensitive" to all who asked: "Did he seem bitter since the divorce?" For the graduates: As I watched people whose lives were yet to unfold, I wished for them friendships with those whom they might share their joys and secret saddness. In sharing discreetly to trusted friends -- we come to give voice to fears which then often dissipate to make way for happiness. For my children: I thought of you all and the babies and Abby the Dog, and I wished for you and your friends days and nights filled with playfulness and sensitivity, times to seek and offer forgiveness, and moments to appreciate joy. Despite my admonition to most blogmasters, "I need to look 10 pounds thinner and 10 years younger" here I am sans "Photoshop" with Dr. Ruth and Sir Paul.   Photo one was taken by Dean Rita Lipson. FROM EARLIER POST: Commencement Video is on May 29th with a time stamp so you can hear the music start quietly as the Honorary Doctorate in Music is announced and then the sounds of "Hey Jude" amid the cheers. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Appetites of Men and Infidelity on the Rise

Rita Watson — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 00:31:41 +0000
While we were at the wedding last week, I was seeking quotes for my article on "Married but Cheating." Seems a bit sacriligeous doesn't it? But in talking with writers from the Atlanta Constitution Journal I learned that New York magazine, May 18, 2008, had just done a spread on "The Affairs of Men" by Phillip Weiss. Mind you the next day, Dr. Ruth would point a finger at women. But for now, the long article seemed to explore some salient facts about why men cheat. Monogamy: A key question was whether or not monogamy is outdated. “There is no more unnatural principle of social organization than sexual exclusivity.”  But the author points out, 'like other of my male sources, he didn’t want me to use his name.' “Don’t get me divorced!” was the refrain. What about women who cheat? The author points out, "Society is far more judgmental about women who cheat than men; just read Anna Karenina." Cheating website: He also says, "Consider the Website meet2cheat, in which married people find one another for recreational sex; it charges $59 for a man’s three-month entry fee, $9 for a woman. Cheating wives are harder to come by." Marital bonds and mistresses: Although for some couples an arrangement works as in the case of Yoko Ono and John Lennon. But it seems that the bond in their marriage was created by a different passion -- their art rather than money or sex. As such there appears to be different types of marriages and different types of relationships. The final quote of the heady article states, “A relationship is a myth you create with each other. It isn’t necessarily true, but it’s meaningful. The key to that myth is that the other person is enough for you. You know in your head that another person isn’t enough for you. But if you don’t honor the myth, then it crumbles.” The Madonna and Prostitute: The article is good and interesting reading. But I think my hairdresser has the answer to keep men from straying. "All men secretly desire a Madonna to the world and a sex siren in the bedroom. They want variety. And if we want to keep them from straying, we should play whatever role suits their fancy."   The Affairs of Men (See Married but Cheating for a different perspective.) Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

When Do You Walk Away from Infidelity?

Rita Watson — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 00:54:02 +0000
A tough question about infidelity in marriage was asked by an often thought-provoking reader. This most recent question from "TheB" asked, "Rita, as a columnist your job is to help us make sense of the world, providing guidance to a subject that has no easy answers. But looking over a number of your columns and blog entries, I’m not convinced that ‘hot sex’ and ‘kind words’ are enough to cool off the tempest of outrage over a violation of trust, a tenet so basic to the marriage contract." The question: "Infidelity, as much as physical and mental abuse, is a soul destroyer so I ask you this question: 'When do you walk away?'" (See entire comment under Married but Cheating, my Sunday Providence Journal  column.) My Answer -- the inception: I have really struggled with this answer.  I have often talked with people who really pinpoint the inception of infidelity. When a relationship isn't going well, both parties know it. They begin the distancing. Then sniping and unkind words follow. Both parties know there is a problem, but most often couples don't want to face it and fix it. Emotional infidelity: Too often, when a relationship is in trouble the man walks away thinking he is buying peace at any price -- and for many men, the price they pay is losing the love of their life. He might even think that the "grass is greener" and already be putting out feelers. Women have a tendancy to stay, particularly if children are involved. However, infidelity often takes place within one's mind first. The physical act is simply a manifestation of an emotional process. Psychiatrists say: Women know when a relationship is in trouble and frequently seek help. Men on the otherhand often don't show up until after they have been served divorce papers and then they ask, "What happened?" Several answers: But specific to your question, Mr. B, this WebMD feature article might provide some answers about repairing a relationship after infidelity and knowing when to call it quits. Overcoming Infidelity Preventive medicine: My grandmother believed that you should never let the sun set on your anger. It would be best if you apologized even if the other person was wrong. I wonder what would happen if couples took time each day at the end of the day to both talk and listen? Might they might find greater peace of mind and a bond of friendship that is so dramatic, that infidelity would be out of the question? Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Why Did He Cheat on Me?

Rita Watson — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 00:13:43 +0000
Touching base with a spouse or someone whom you love may be the most effective means of protecting relationships. Two comments from readers on the subject of cheating and infidelity have been keeping my mind alert. On the subject of infidelity, in agreeing with my grandmother, Roderick said yesterday, "Touching base-as it were-everyday, leaves less room for distances to occur that may ultimately lead to infidelity." (See Cheating Husbands, Wives, Wasps and Orchids) Togetherness: My grandmother futher felt that the key to successful relationships was the dining room table -- there people have the opporutnity to share thoughts, interpret silences, understand the meaning of laughter, and generally get a sense from a person's body language what he or she was thinking. You just know if someone you care about needs some extra tender loving care. Veiled co-dependency: Some people really don't know how to live with another person day in and day out -- the intimacy of day to day is too threatening.  Additionally, many couples today are in relationships of veiled co-dependency and manipulation. As such if one becomes stronger or more successful, stress takes over. Why does anyone cheat? Rhonda Fine, PhD, a clinical sexologist and diplomate of The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists says, "There are a variety of reasons why people cheat, and it's not always about the sex. People cheat because they're selfish, immature or narcisstic. Or they're excitement junkies and attracted to the drama. They put their needs ahead of others and rarely blame themselves why they cheated in the first place." To find out more go to Cheating Facts and Myths on AOL Caretaking, caretaking: I know of one man who still can't settle down. Right now he is into his 60's and says, "It seems as if I just moved from patient to patient -- all of them younger. None of them ever bringing an equal share to the table. But it gave me a false sense of security. I had more to offer. Thought they would be grateful and stay. In the end, I became bored and actually began missing the fight, the challenge with women my own age. And they were flirting with younger men." Why do people cheat? As I looked back on years of research, and forgive me for a quick general statement -- women cheat because they are lonely and men cheat for the thrill, the desire to feel rejuvenated. But most often it is because they are not comfortable in their own skin and need outside affirmation -- and communication stops and intimacy turns cold. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Bring Love Forward, Start Timing Backwards

Rita Watson — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 00:01:28 +0000
Feeling too stressed at the end of the day for lovemaking because there is NO time left? A gourmet cook offers an answer. Her recipe is simple.

Make a schedule of things to do.

Start what is most important.

Do that FIRST.

Read the story of a woman whose French family heritage gave her the gift of her story and then I will tell you how this works with loving. "I come from a long line of French pastry chefs. I think I could bake Mille-feuille, Petit Fours, and St. Honore Cake before I could scramble eggs. When we moved from Paris to Harrison, NY (by the Westchester County Club), we joined a Gourmet Cooking many years ago. I was always making these elaborate desserts about two hours before we had to leave. "Then one day my husband said to me, 'Can't you make all these creations the night before? Or at least at the beginning of the day, instead of the end?' "Then I looked into it and sure enough, I had no problem at all. Nothing in the recipe said I had to wait until the 11th hours. It changed our whole way of thinking!" Too many stressed women: These past few days too many women told me they didn't have time at the end of the day, or were too tired for lovemaking at night. Suggestion One:

Make a schedule.

Put a time after each task.

Now double the amount of time you think each task will take.

Eliminate those that can wait.

Do what is most important at the beginning of the day.

Eliminate last minute shopping.

Schedule yourself time for lovemaking.

Suggestion Two:

Forget the schedule.

Learn to be spontaneous.

Take a chance on creativity.

Turn lovemaking into a treat in whatever room or moment that you can find.

Be playful and stop fretting.

Enjoy the week-end.

Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Long Distance Relationships — Do They Last?

Rita Watson — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 00:48:14 +0000
Some of us are veterans at Long Distance Relationships. Do they work? Usually if you are a long term couple initially and financially self-sufficient. I know quite a number of married couples who have done quite well on long distance relationships -- both parties were (are) professional couples, totally devoted to each other with no children. Meeting in Paris: For those who have been involved for many years and long distance becomes a job necessity, one of the suggestions that I like best is vacationing together. Meet in Paris. Everything is more romantic in Paris. Just keep in mind that the time together is a fantasy. Success factors: Other success factors include ease of travel, time together (every two to three weeks is best), and an approximately equal income helps in terms of independence. Most often marriage is what makes the relationship a success -- unless it is a second marriage and children are involved -- then the success rate with or without long distance travel is 30 - 40 percent according to family court research. However, the research on the success of LDRs was conducted primarily on childless couples. It helps to be in the same country, but if not a time zone that makes communicating easy helps. I just discovered for example that when it is morning here -- it is evening in Dubai. Same time, just the difference between AM and PM. Whereas I'm always challenged by those cities that are between 3 and 5 hours phone distance away.   Avice columns: Most of the advice columns on LDRs -- with regard to new coupls -- suggest an "end" time goal. Six months for marriage. But keep in mind that the LDR is artificial in itself -- and that too many couples try it, move in together or wed -- and then face the shock of routine or each other's real habits and needs within three - six months. That's when the thrill and the excitement is gone and day to day sets in. Indepdent women: For independent women, it often only takes only a few weeks of being with someone on their turf living their daily business routine to determine if the relationship can go forward. Women essentially being supported: Women who are essentially being supported by the man tend to be more patient for up to a full year. We all know of the couples who seem ideal in public but on "girls night out" the women reveal their true motives, frustrations, and intentions. And too many caretakers find themselves hurt and wondering, "Why?" So here it is: From the men and the women. Some advice and a quiz. You be the judge. Ask Men. From the Women. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Loving 365 Days of Sex and Jane Austen Romance

Rita Watson — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 00:45:03 +0000
It seems that the concept of 365 days of love making has caught on. Couples in Providence, Charlotte, and Boulder are keeping loving alive.This blog featured the story of a woman in Rhode Island who gave her husband 365 days of love-making for his 40th birthday.   The Sunday Times featured more books about couples making love a priority every day. Could You Have Sex Every Day? Keeping love alive: Ferol, our MBA on campus is just back from his honeymoon and for this week I am asking Ferol to tell us how to keep a honeymoon way of thinking every day. We keep reading "What Men Want." And this week we will talk about "What Men DON'T want" and in terms of loving and devotion and respect, "What Women Want."  Some other topics:

What are the three things men NEVER want to hear.

How men react when they DO hear the phrases that set them off.

Why some books are saying that being male is hazardous to your health.

Why women are being told to turn the other cheek. (That should be negotiable!)

Why women see action as speaking louder than words.

Here is a link to the TIMES story by Ralph Gardner, Jr. -- "Yes, Dear. Tonight again."  Lots of Loving Of the two couples Gardner says, "The Mullers are Bible-studying steak-eating Republicans from Charlotte, N.C. The Browns are backpacking multigrain northerners who moved to Boulder, Colo. The Mullers’ book, “365 Nights,” is rather modest and circumspect in its details. The Browns’ book, “Just Do It,” almost makes the reader feel part of a threesome, sharing everything they used to stimulate sexual desire (it’s hard to visualize and even harder to explain)." The Jane Austen Book Club: And if you don't want to spend a night reading -- rent or buy The Jane Austen Book Club video -- it is about love, temptation, divorce and reconciliation, getting over hurt, and finding romance by opening yourself to the possibility. What I loved most about the film, for every couple there is a happy ending. Viva Romance! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Good Girl’s Guide to Living Together “in Sin”

Rita Watson — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 00:01:51 +0000
Did two New Yorker cartonists know that a new survey would show that living together is up, and marriage down?   According to a USA Today feature today a new report says that more Americans are finding that living together is OK rather than getting married. The story by Sharon Jayson, noted, "An analysis of cohabitation, marriage and divorce data from 13 countries, including the USA, shows that living together has become so mainstream that growing numbers of Americans view it as an alternative to marriage." The story further noted "that cohabitation elsewhere is far more common and indeed viewed as an option to matrimony. The study found that anywhere from 15% to 30% of all couples identified themselves as living together, compared with about 10% right now in the USA." An AOL survey on the topic early in the day noted that 57% of the respondants, that is, 6,362 peoople were OK with living together. When asked: "What's your general opinion of it?" The answers were:

It's fine by me 57% 6,723

I object to it morally 22% 2,664

I don't object morally but think it's not a great idea 21% 2,471

Back at this week's New Yorker, ironically, one cartoon depicts a bride and groom in the back of a limo with a title that says, "It didn't have to end like this." The USA Today story cites, Joselin Linder, 33, "co-author of the new book The Good Girl's Guide to Living in Sin and says many women her age and younger view living with a romantic partner as a convenience. She says it's not about avoiding marriage." Although a second New Yorker cartoon suggests the opposite. He says to her, "It wouldn't be fair for us to get married until gays can be legally married, too. That's my story and I'm sticking too it." My own thoughts? This is rather sad -- I love weddings! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Herpes (in the news) What You Should Know

Rita Watson — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 00:01:04 +0000
The Associated Press reported last night that 1 in 4 New Yorkers have herpes. The TV interviews left us with lots of misperceptions. As Dr. Ruth noted and predicted last week, and which I reported in my op-ed on Sunday, herpes is on the rise. A new report says that it is affecting 1 in 4 New Yorkers and as many as 1 in 6 nationwide. It is on the rise with women and in particular women over 51 according to a recent British study. Herpes is an annoying and enigmatic disease. It is not curable.  Even if you are taking valtrex (the drug of choice) it may prevent outbreaks, but not necessarily reduce the spread. In women it has been associated with cervical cancer -- not the cause, but a "fellow traveler" related to the cause. There is an associated increased cancer risk among those who also have the human papilloma virus (HPV).    Interchangable: There are a number of different types of herpes infections, but the most common are the HSV -1 (generally associated with cold sores) and the HSV -2 (genital).   However, the two forms are interchangable in location. Researches at Dana Farber Cancer Institute have found that the physicians are seeing more HSV-1 in genital regioins and HSV-2 on the mouth depending upon a couple's sexual practices. The intial attack is the strongest. Usually cold sores or canchre sores or blisters appear. Other symptoms which seem to affect women may include burning during urination, fever and chills. You will show symptoms within 2 days to 2-3 weeks of exposure. False-positives: You can be tested for the presence of herpes, but there are often false-positives especially if you do not test immediately during an initial outbreak. Herpes lives in nerves that go to the skin. Stress can bring on an attack. Prevention and honest are best -- and while condoms are not 100% effective, they help. A person who knows that he or she is a carrier should be careful and honest. As of last year, only 36% were telling their partners well in advance and some 38% made up an excuse not to have sex when they had an outbreak. WebMD: Herpes Stigma. The disturbing trend continues in particular about HPV. Take a look at Deception in Love and Sex. For whatever the reason, a man who has herpes, will suffer. But women will have the more serious symptoms. Keep in mind that herpes is treatable but not curable. If you develop herpes you will have it the rest of your life. Knowing your sexual partner or more than just a casual basis may help you protect yourself from contracting herpes. To read more about New York, ABC News, Herpes in NYC Regarding the lying aspect -- to borrow the title of from a Times book review, Permission to Lie to Yourself, sometimes women and men replay a story in their own heads so many times that it becomes real, even though it may not be so. It's a protective mechanism. The only way to come to the truth is with time because eventually inconsistencies emerge. [If you read enough blogs, you will find that sometimes a person reveals too much as a way to mask that which they are hoping to hide -- consciously or unconsciously. This is a different issue that we will address one day.] The above is from New Choices, New Chances: A Woman's Guide to Conquering Cancer by Watson and Wallach, MD. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Infidelity: It Really Hurts

Rita Watson — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 00:02:24 +0000
Infidelity, essentially stories of husbands and wives cheating on their spouses, touched a lot of nerves this week. There have been a number of comments posted since my Sunday Op-ed for the Providence Journal.   From those who just emailed me rather than tell your stories on the blog, my heart breaks for you. But additionally the comments from "When Do You Walk Away from Infidelity?" are also something readers may wish to take a look at from this June 5th posting. What’s it all about? Let me point out that much of the research points to a need that is more than sex — it is about a lack of understanding, a lack of communication, unkind words, or passive agressive behavior, the real relationship killer which happens when one or the other simply withdraws or walks. Ferol, who is just back from his honeymoon talked about two issues that he will address next week: What happens when a woman says, “Why don’t you ever listen to me?” and “How many times have I told you?” He and Ricci have the perfect marriage. The opposite sex: Also, it isn’t always an attraction to the opposite sex that is the infidelity culprit. Some readers have told me of the hurt they experienced when their spouses drifted off with someone of the same sex. Some men feel it was because they were too much like their spouses’s father, or they had an anger problem, or simply spent more time with sports than their wives. Others thought their wives really wanted to be married to a girlfriend. Some women said their husbands’ were just always more comfortable around men. It is hard to tell, but it is always difficult to accept because as one woman said, “I can compete with another woman, but how do I compete with another man?” A practical perspective: Please understand, if the relationship is over — despite the pain and the hurt you might feel, simply know that he or she was not the right person for you. Sometimes relationships end because a man or a woman has a fantasy love, and when he or she thinks they have found that person of their dreams, they jump in full steam ahead throwing caution to the wind, even if it can jeopardize their careers or families. The wise saying:   “How it begins is how it ends.” If it starts in deception, it will end in deception. If it starts hot and fiery, it will end with buring ashes. Happiness from within: To those who are still hurting I am going to quote from Emmet Fox, a favorite of Annie Lamott, author of Bird by Bird. Release and let go. Say over and over, “I forgive you and I let you go. You and I are now both free to find our happiness elsewhere.” Infidelity: red flags and relationship savers -- as well as how to get over infidelity's pain. The pain of a broken relationship cannot be taken lightly.   But sometimes an old Tibetan rule works. "Each day be grateful for the joy you once shared with the person you loved. And holding onto that feeling, wish the person who hurt you well. And believe that such joy is possible again for you. Gratitude works miracles. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Infidelity: Nipping it and Surviving it Now

Rita Watson — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 01:20:21 +0000
As promised, here is a list of Infidelity red flags and marriage saving solutions. From this WebMD feature, here are seven signs of straying: Red Flag No. 1: Crying Out for Help -- I am not happy. Marriage Saving Solution -- Take the bait. Talk it out or get help! Red Flag No. 2: Sudden Change -- or Interest in Appearance. From botox for him to sexy dresses for her -- watch out. Marriage Saving Solution -- If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them -- do your part to spice up and spruce up! Red Flag No. 3: Unconstructive Criticism, even if deserved, hurts. "Why don't you ever listen to me?" it's a script ready of cheating. Marriage Saving Solution -- Listen and Learn. Even if he says something like, 'Those two women are attractive,' encourage him to talk about it so he will feel that he can talk to you about anything. Red Flag No. 4: the Tony Soprano-Style Guilt Gift -- Expensive jewely so you will look the other way. Marriage Saving Solution -- Trust your instincts and say something, but kindly! Red Flag No. 5: Snubbed at the Company Party -- That's a no brainer. People know and now you are getting the hint. Marriage Saving Solution -- Address It Head-on: Open the lines of communication and say what you felt and what you are thinking, but GENTLY, GENTLY, GENTLY. Red Flag No. 6: Sneaking -- The cell phone is usually the culprit. The secret calls or the number he or she looks at but doesn't respond. Also, more nights at the office. Marriage Saving Solution -- Confrontation (without being confrontational) HOW??? This is where I take issue with WebMDs advice. I think the marriage saving solution is to say, "I feel as if you are under a lot of stress and maybe I am not giving you what you need right now. But I want to be the one in your life who meets your needs. Tell me about this other person that I sense is coming between us." Red Flag No. 7: History Repeats Itself -- Not much to add here other than to say, "Don't let it happen. Try to intervene." Marriage Saving Solution -- Set Boundaries: Try to set up rules that will safeguard your marriage -- if you are talking to others, make certain you trust that their advice will be to help you strengthen the relationship instead of straying. Cheating may not necessarily be the end of a relationship -- it may be the wake up call. But, it is very difficult. And again, the research shows that a partner who cheats often needs companionship more than sex. WebMD: Nipping an Affair in the Bud Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The Unicorn! Finding Your Love

Rita Watson — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 00:01:13 +0000
We all grew up hearing about the magic unicorn and love that was happily ever after. The unicorn has been found. Is now the time for you to find love that will be life long? The Italian press reported yesterday that "A deer with a single horn in the center of its head - much like the fabled, mythical unicorn - has been spotted in a nature preserve in Italy, park officials said Wednesday." "This is fantasy becoming reality," Gilberto Tozzi, director of the Center of Natural Sciences in Prato, told The Associated Press. "The unicorn has always been a mythological animal." To see photos and read more,The Italian Unicorn. If a magical animal can become real, so can true love.  But this is the secret. Break old habits. Even if you think you are happy now, ask yourself -- "Is he or she part of a pattern? Have I done this before and ended up miserable? Was I manipulated or duped? Maybe you are saying to yourself, "This time it's different." Oh, really. Than take the time to take the quiz. Take yourself seriously enough to break with the past, Consider the odds that may be against you.   Get over the ego that says, "I know people tell me that this can't work, but...." Take a look at Robert Sternberg’s questionnaire — What is Your Love Story? If you are a caretaker, or a rescuer, rethink the role. Finding Your Love Story   A serious love scenario, in which “lifelong” is a priority, will foster happiness, good health and youthfulness at any age. You owe yourself the time! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Tim Russert — A Man Who Respected Others

Rita Watson — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 00:03:01 +0000
Whenever Tim Russert conducted an interview, it was done with integrity. Regardless of his own opinions, he conveyed respect. He was in Rome celebrating his son's graduation from Boston College. A devout Catholic, he made his beliefs known -- he took great pleasure in his faith and his family. But just after 4:00 PM today, those in journalism were saddened and struck by news of his swift departure from one of the places he seemed to relish -- the newsroom. Tim Russert, NBC News’ Washington bureau chief and the moderator of “Meet the Press,” died Friday after collapsing, NBC News said. He was 58. Tim Russert Full Story. We all feel as if we have lost a friend.

About Men: Health Warnings and Losers

Rita Watson — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 00:05:42 +0000
In searching health sites today, I came across symptom warnings for men and ways for women to avoid losers. I was really upset by the news of Tim Russert's heart attack. And so for all men and the women who love them, here is a link to Five Health Warnings. Men traditionally don't seek help, either medical or psychiatric. They can be running a fever and still will not stay in bed. They can be in pain from too many manipulative or co-dependent relationships and insist that they can handle the problem themselves. But some problems absolutely require medical attention. Here are symptoms you don't want to ignore: for younger men watch especially chest pains, a beer belly, and impotence.   Symptoms to Take Seriously Now for women. Men who are losers. This is about how to avoid meeting them! Here is the story of a woman who spent so much time with online dating that she has developed some models to follow and has written a book that will be required reading for online daters. Picking out the Losers She sees online dating as a way of life and woman should accept it and become savvy about it. I agree with the savvy part, but dating online! One day, I may set up an account to see who will end up in my columns -- but only if I run out of things to say and someone develops an online truth detector. Until then, I remain neutral, but opinionated. Happy Day. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

What is Friendship?

Rita Watson — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 00:30:11 +0000
After spending the day listening to tributes to Tim Russert, I realized that these defined what it means to be a friend. Friendships are protective. Friends help you to stay balanced, will help you laugh at yourself, and understand the forgiveness factor. Too often when a friendship, relationship, or marriage becomes rocky — for whatever the reasons –people ignore the problem, take their differences to the public arena, find solace in an affair, or simply leave. How sad. As Wilma Askinas, author of "A Splice of Life" once said, "A friend is someone who sees through you and still enjoys the view." I loved listending to the tributes and here are a few of them. Go to www.nbc.com to select the ones you wish to hear. Talking about children, our children, his father: Talking about children Words from a Competitor on Face the Nation: From his competitor Tim's Love of Family: Talking about Family It seems that from his family and his faith, Tim Russerrt lived the life of love. Love is never boastful nor conceited; it is never rude or selfish. Love does not take offense neither it is resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s faults, but delights in the truth. Love is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes. 1 Corinthians 13:4 How do we find good friends and love? By being a friend. By being loving.  One can search for love, or one can wait for love.   But for certain one must prepare the heart to give and receive love.   The more love we give to others, the more likely love will come to us. The choice is ours. But it starts with being a friend. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Friends and Friends with Sex Benefits Quiz

Rita Watson — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 04:07:33 +0000
There is an old French saying, "Treasures are not always friends, but friends are always a treasure." And so I have been pondering friendship and its extension into the family of sex. At the end of this blog, I will write out the entire ABCs of friendship. While we can trace the definition of friendship back to Aristotle On Friendship, the term "friends with benefits" became synonymous with sex on Boston Legal. What started out as a kissing exercise went from desk to floor to bed –though not all in the same show. Someplace other than between the sheets, the two discovered a new type of relationship — friends with the benefits of sex. While it is traditionally associated with two people who enjoy each other's company but do not wish to make the commitment, in fact, some FWB relationships take a romantic turn and, as with Boston Legal, end up married with children. Friends with Benefits Quiz The New York Times carried a story called, Friends with Benefits, and Stress, too based on research that appeared in the Archives of Sexual Behavior called “Negotiating a Friends with Benefits Relationship.” Abstract Are you reluctant to enter a friends with benefits situation because you really want to save yourself for the right person? Good. You should. But as one passes let’s say the age of 40 you might be using this as a excuse to avoid a committed relationship. A quick quiz Do you feel that you are one of those who are not good at relationships? If you answered "Yes," then this is a good excuse. You won't even need to bother trying.  Then if you disappoint, you can shrug your shoulders and say, “See, I warned you. Did my part. Sorry if I broke your heart.” If you are in a friends with benefits situation ask yourself these questions:

Am I doing this because commitment is too difficult?

Is this my excuse to avoid commitment?

Do I traditionally tell myself and others that I am not good at relationships – thereby absolving myself of the responsibility for trying?

Have I been so hurt by others that I am really afraid to be hurt again?

Do I really like this person and sometimes fing myself caught up with feeling loved?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions and the friend with whom you are sharing the benefits is really a friend – than it is time for a friendship talk – truth with no consequences. What is a friend? A friend is someone who: Accepts you as you are Believes in you Calls just to say 'Hi" Doesn't give up on you Envisions the whole of you, even the unfinished parts Forgives your mistakes Gives unconditionally Helps you Invites you over to... Just "be" with you Keeps you close at heart Loves you for who you are Makes a difference in your life Never judges Offers support Picks you up Quiets your fears Raises your spirits Says nice things about you Tells you the truth when you need to hear it Undersatnds you Values you Walks beside you X-plains when you won't listen Zaps you back to reality! I sometimes wonder if our divorce rate is so high because people enter into relationships because they are searching for a dream -- and when they think they have found it -- ignore reality and advice and just dive in hoping for the best. Sometimes that works, but most often it doesn't. Relationships built on friendships and passion have a foundation that is firm and long term. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson "The ABC's of Friendship": Author Unknown from Lists to Live By compiled by Alice Grav, Steve Stephens, and John Van Diest, Multnomah Publishers, Inc, Sisters, Oregon 2001

Billionaires Marry Brunettes: Dating and Mating

Rita Watson — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 13:00:02 +0000
Is it true that gentleman prefer blondes but marry brunettes? Although the studies have been around for a while, they are just resurfacing. So for a bit of non-scientific mating and dating trivia -- the British are reporting that it is the brunettes who "bag the billionares, blondes get the barman."   The top British dating channel analyzed 100 billionaires and found that 62% of them married women with dark hair.  With runners up: blondes by 22% and redheads at 16%.  The Love Report on Brunettes . The movie with Marilyn Monroe, Gentleman Prefer Blondes was adapted from the diaries of Lorelei Lee, a flapper in the 1920s written by Anita Loos. But the author later wrote, But Gentlemen Marry Brunettes, because "it is bright ideas that keep the home fires buring, and prevent a divorce from taking all of the bloom off Romance." See Amazon listing And just another thought about hair -- in yet another unscientific study -- approximately 125 men and women about 27 years of age both found short or medium-length hair (just below the ears) to be far less attractive than long hair (8 inches below the shoulders). As a shoulder length blond -- I have no comment. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

About Open Marriage and Chastity Belts

Rita Watson — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 00:10:11 +0000
Open marriage and defined infidelity have been repackaged while the book championing chastity for six months before sex is in the news. Choosing Chastity: So taking a look at the two extremes, what's it going to be? I'm not a proponent of Abstinence Only legislation (and do read my posts on this) but neither do I think women benefit from sex for the sake of sex. So it was intriguing to read that a book from the women's reading list last year is making the Internet rounds. Not Tonight, Mr. Right: The Best (Don't Get) Laid Plans for Finding and Marrying the Man of Your Dreams. This no-nonsense book by the "Sex Life" columnist for Gentleman's Quarterly, points out the reasons that men "hump and dump" and why women should be wary of casual sex. "You want to wake up next to someone in the morning who adores you!" is essentially her message. Take a look at her website. www.nottonightmrright.com This is not moralistic finger-pointing.   Kate Taylor is an advisor to match.com in the United Kingdom.   After reading about the new books on open marriage -- this was a refreshing find. Or Making a Choice for Open Marriage Two new books: Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage by Jenny Block and the other is Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino). The first is a suburban mother's memoir who has found that monogamy doesn't suit her.   The second book is a guide to open marriage, which I guess even when couples have involved in agreed upon cheating, there are rules. Both books make the case against monogamy because they believe that most people prefer polygamy. However what they seem to agree upon is that the "mix" that works best is a woman with a female lover and a husband -- the men appear to be less threatened. Choosing Life Long Love: Call me old fashioned, but I loved the fact that Tim Russert and his wife had been a solid family for over 20 years. And then there is my other hero James Gardner -- more than 30 years with his wife and it was impetuous love at first sight. Hmm, both couples met through politics.  In each case both the husbands and wives were equally accomplished. So maybe it helps to have something more in common than sex and passion. Anyone know which poet supported open marriage even before its popularity in the 60s?  The story, which I will write about tomorrow, will surprise you. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Emily Dickinson Encouraged An Open Marriage

Rita Watson — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 00:01:18 +0000
Marriage is not for everyone. Many figures throughout history were involved in unconventional marital arrangements. Harriet Beecher Stowe, who wrote Uncle Tom's Cabin, and painter Georgia O'Keefe had arrangements with their husbands that involved separate living quarters. Eleonor and Franklin D. Roosevelt were known to have a marriage in which each had a lover.   Monogamy apparently is most perculiar to swans who mate for life. Infidelity and collusion: One of the more intriguing marital arrangements was fostered and encouraged by the poet Emily Dickinson. It seems that her brother Austin, treasurer at Mt. Holyoke, and the highly accomplished Mabel Loomis Todd, wife of a young professor at Mount Holyoke College, fell deeply in love. She was more than 20 years younger. The affair, which went on for approximately 13 years, infuriated Austin's wife, Susan. But Mabel's devoted husband --wanting nothing more than his wife's happiness -- and tenure at the college -- also colluded to facilitate the affair between Mabel and Austin.   In fact, on nights when he suspected that Austin was there, he would arrive home whistling a tune from the opera Martha to give them fair warning. A threesome: Mabel's husband was impressed by Austin. The two gentleman got along so well together that during one of Mabel's trips to Europe, Austin began thinking of a ménage a trois. He wrote Mabel and said: "I think we three would have no trouble - in a house together -in living as you and I should wish." (p 180) This never happened. The affair continued both at the Todd home and at Austin's family home where Emily and his sister Lavinia helped the couple keep the affair alive. In love with two men: Mabel declared herself capable of loving two men at once each in a different way. They wrote each other daily and Austin even wrote self- addressed stamped envelopes so that her handwriting would not be recognized. But their affair was known throughout Amherst. Each dreamed that they would outlive their spouses and live happily ever after. However, the affair cost the good professor his sanity; he died in a mental institution. And Austin died about two years after Mabel challenged Austin "to do something." Emily Dickinson's biographer, the late Professor Emeritus Richard Sewall, The Life of Emily Dickinson, winner of the National Book Award, and former Yale College dean, has said that Emily encouraged the affair. She apparently told a relative that she did so "because I believe in passion." Yesterday I wrote about modern day open marriage. Do take a look at the comment from the author of one of the books. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

When Every Day You Think Love not Divorce

Rita Watson — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 00:01:20 +0000
The fairy tales promised "happily ever after." But in today's society, with its You Tube divorce, ever after is usually after the settlement. Some day my prince will come: In Cinderella, she finds her dream when Prince Charming slips her foot into the glass slipper. Snow White is awakened by the kiss of her Prince -- who, as the tale goes, was destined to find her. Happily ever after: As a society our dream of happily ever after has been evolving into happily after the hefty divorce settlement or happily after each marriage.   Up to now, despite the divorce rate people kept on marrying. Now there seems to be a plateau in the trend as living together becomes "the new marriage." Have we lost our vision of marriage as commitment, as a relationship in which two people vow to be together for better or worse? Are we evolving into a society of serial monogamists with occasional open arrangements -- instead of love? Loyalty as the essence of marriage: In Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth he talked about the essence of marriage with journalist Bill Moyers some years ago. He called "loyalty" the essence of marriage -- "not cheating, not defecting -- through whatever trials or suffering, you remain true." Bill Moyers said: "The Puritans call marriage the little church within the church. In marriage, every day you love, and every day you forgive. It is an ongoing sacrament -- love and forgiveness." The relationship: Professor Campbell added: "The real life of a marriage or a true love affair is in the relationship.... Marriage is the symbolic recognition of our identity -- two aspects of the same being." If one thinks about two aspects of the same being, it is a way of thinking about your positive qualities as well as your negative traits.   If marriage is two aspects of the same being then the person who brings out the best in you and you in them, is the start of lifelong love and "happily ever after." Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The Monogamy Diamond and a Threesome

Rita Watson — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 00:01:26 +0000
We live in confusing times. Just a year ago "the monogamy diamond" survey found that a commited twosome is sexy. But today threesomes are in the news. Here is the direct press release from Hearts on Fire diamonds which found in a survey last October that over 1,000 people considered monogamy to be aspirational, sexy, and attainable. They reported that 87 percent of the participants aspire to be in a monogamous relationship, and 91 percent of men and women agree that monogamy is sexy The Monogamy Diamond Nonetheless, about the same time, The Threesome Handbook by Vicky Vantoch surfaced. The Library Journal had this to say, "Will engage those curious about partaking in a threesome. Drawing on extensive research and personal experience, the author shows how to create sexy and emotionally rewarding threesomes based on trust, honesty, and self-awareness. She covers everything from seducing potential playmates, managing jealousy, to maintaining good hygiene.” Furthermore last month two new books were released on open marriage. What seems to be happening? Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Cigar Smoke: Women, Men, and Truth

Rita Watson — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 00:06:56 +0000
It was another champagne and cigar night for the ladies when suddenly I heard, "Men are just not as sneaky as women." Whoa! "Women are tough on men and they are not as sneaky as we are!”   said one of the women. Suddenly I wondered: do cigar smoking women take on a temporary new empathy for men and become their defenders instead of detractors? It seems so -- but what will happen when the smoke and champagne wears off is anyone's guess.   Getting at the truth: I am getting ready for my next Providence Journal column and somehow discussing rules for open marriage went to rules of behavior. That’s when one of the women said, “Listen, I understand men. I don’t like being confrontational. If I am told a story I believe it — even if it doesn’t happen to be true. I would rather accept it and walk away and then when I come back, hopefully we can get to the truth.” Three variations of “truth” that the female puffers found to be demeaning came with the “let’s be honest” card, the “checking on you” card , and the “abuse card.”     The abuse card: Since Paul McCartney's divorce, we have heard too many suspect stories about abuse. Women don’t like to hear of a woman who plays the abuse card -- especially to the extent that the man being reeled in is ready to meet the ex in an alley and get even with him -- a la Robert Parker mystery.   Just finished a quick Robert Parker read where this is precisely what happened. However, the mistreatment allegations surfaced not from the wife, but rather those who witnessed it. They knew the truth. When the claims of abuse are such that a new love or partner wishes to avenge the woman — men should be suspicious. Basically it is demeaning to all women when one woman uses this type of sympathy to hook a man. Shocking that some women use and embellish upon the drama of their past when there are so many women today who are genuinely in need of sympathy and support.   “Let’s be honest.”   Probably after inhaling the cigar from her cigarette smoking days, another woman revealed the truth about what happens when a woman says, “Let’s tell each other everything.” What she really wants to do is gain the upper hand by having a man reveal too much while she hides a secret. As she pointed out: "The gal may claim the truth exchange is to start with a clean slate, but a guy won't be getting the whole truth from her. It's a test to see how far she can go in telling about her past. I know, my friends and I have done this sort of thing in our younger days. And we are not proud of those moments."       "Checking in and checking up.” My story turn. I have a male friend whose girlfriend always called me when he was out of town. Just recently I attended a reunion party and learned that three of us were each receiving phone calls from from this insanely jealous woman trying to find out the truth. Was her man at the hotel where he claimed to be -- or sleeping with one of us! The other side of that story is from “The Manual -- a Book of Face Saving Lies."   As our jet-setter learned too late: "I confronted her about this and she had such a sad look on her face and hurtful denial in her voice that of course I believed her when she said: 'Oh, no, no. I was just calling you to say good night. I felt so bad for you all alone in that hotel room.'   He believed her. He married her. He divorced her.   His comment: "She had lots of good 'saves' but rarely the truth." Fool me once: The real issue is this: why do women feel a need to play this game? And why do guys play into it?  Can it be that you really feel a need to be duped and manipulated? In playing the good savior, do guys really find it flattering to think that a woman wants them so much that she will be deceitful to gain love?  Step back and ask yourself, "When does the manipulation stop?" The answer, "The manipulation will go on and on and on."  And you all know what will happen when you confront and try to get at the truth! You become the bad guy. There is an old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Games — why is it so difficult for two people to be straightforward? The truth is really so much easier.   Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

If You Recognize Yourself in These Stories….

Rita Watson — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 00:00:40 +0000
A gentleman told me a story today about his neighbor and then said, "But don't publish it.  The couple doesn't want their secret out. " In fact, he was one of three people who told me the same story. Here is the truth about stories of love and sex, clueless men and manipulation, women who have had husbands cheat on them, men who tell lies, women who tell lies ... there are almost no original stories.   Someone already called me on a story from our champagne and cigar night. And I remembered four woman who were outraged that I published "their" story in one of my books. Ironically the story was from a woman half way across the country who not only told me her story, but signed a consent form for me to use it. I remember trying to convince my publisher to let me put a little note in the front of one of my books that read: "If you recognize yourself in any of these stories, you probably shouldn't admit to it!" Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Husband and Wife and Hot Sex

Rita Watson — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 00:01:38 +0000
Some call him the perfect husband. He believes in monogamy, good sex, and loving his wife. And no, he can't be rented out~ As I write up my next column about the new open marriage rules and threesomes -- it is kind of refreshing to find that Best Life magazine has a story by Hugh O'Neil that focuses on creating passion with one's wife.   He believes that "hotter monogamy is simply a matter of mind over monotomy." Cheering you on, Hugh!  Home_Is_Where_the_Heat_Is

Liar, Liar: Lies Men Tell and Lies Women Tell

Rita Watson — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 00:02:55 +0000
Sad but true, in too many relationships today both men and women tell lies.    While both men and women tell lies, they seem to have different reasons for doing so. It is more difficult to determine the truth if you are dating someone who lives more than an hour away from you because you miss daily cues and clues as to how the relationship is moving along. It is even more daunting if you do not share the same circle of friends.    In the world of "liar, liar, pants on fire" if you read enough of these Internet stories, you will see that men tell lies more often than women. Sometimes they just lie to lie because they are conditioned to do so by their profession. At other times they are cheating and lie to hide this fact from their wives or girlfriends: Lies Men Tell Who tells the bigger lies? Web writers from multiple sites say that men lie more often, but the women's alibis and stories are told in such a complicated way that a man gets confused and gives up trying to get at the truth.    What is it that women are trying to hide and if caught their excuse for hiding it? According to most websites the top three include:

Number of past lovers -- (It slips her mind because some were just casual affairs not serious relationships.)

Being pregnant  -- (Says she didn't realize it because she didn't have any of the usual symptoms.)

Having a sexually transmitted disease  -- (Claims she didn't think that her STD was contagious because she hasn't had an outbreak in years, or it happened so long ago that she just forgot about it.

How can you tell when a man is lying? He isn't very good at it. How can you you when tell a woman is lying? She gets mad at you for accusing her -- pouts, throws a tantrum, witholds sex, or refuses to speak with you -- even though you are right and she is guilty.   Or she becomes overly affectionate. In either case, men are caught between a rock and a hard place unless they have the courage to confront without being confrontational.  Eight Lies Women Tell    (A gay couple told me recently that each had a previous partner who was unfaithful. One said his partner of many years always pointed a finger at him, was terribly jealous of his travels, and accused him of cheating when he traveled. "Finally I realized that HE was the one doing the cheating. One day a neighbor told me the truth." The new couple said that they are committed to monogamy.) In defense of couples:   So often what we see in terms of lying occurs with people in relationships that are not based on love or values, but infatuation and need. You might also see destructive lying with couples who have had multiple partners and are trying to make a fresh start but do not have experience with successful partnerships. To couples wanting a fresh start, good for you. But a fresh start only works when it is based on truth and respect for each other's emotions, health, and integrity.    Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Hidden Sipping Cup; What Would George Carlin Say?

Rita Watson — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 00:00:22 +0000
I can’t help but wonder what George Carlin, the irreverent comedian, might have said about the new wine filled bras? Carlin died last evening and his comic genius could only be matched by his irreverence. You Tube has many of his pieces. But I do think he would have a field day with the new "sipping bra." There is very little to add to this story from Reuters other than to point out that the company who came up with this design thought of the men as well. Guys, you can have a teddy bear tummy only yours will be filled with beer. Her Cups Runneth Over Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Fred Astaire Eleanor Powell

admin — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 02:46:44 +0000

Married but Cheating

Rita Watson — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 03:08:30 +0000
Sunday, June 1, 2008 Providence Journal adaptation WHEN I WONDERED aloud, “Is infidelity a sin whose time has come?” my colleague retorted, “It never left!” Indeed, the string of politicians, sports figures and movie stars cheating on their wives is an endless parade of mea culpas. “Why do men cheat?” I asked Dr. Ruth Westheimer, psychosexual therapist, as faculty and fellows gathered for the Yale commencement this year. Her voice escalated. “It’s not only men! And put an exclamation point there. I have nothing more to say.” Just an hour earlier, a young National Guardsman told us that infidelity was on the rise with military wives. He said, “We now have a co-ed Army, and wives know that when their husbands are in Iraq these guys are going to cheat and so they do it also.” Despite what we hear about infidelity, the last major survey in 2006 conducted by Pew Research, an independent think tank, found that 88 percent of 1,502 persons interviewed said that a married person having an affair is morally wrong. Good statistics about infidelity are dated. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy in 2002 cited a study identifying some 15 percent of wives and 25 percent of husbands involved with extramarital affairs. Today numbers quoted are much higher, particularly after adding 15 percent of Internet users involved in “online infidelity,” undocumented numbers involved in emotional cheating with people they meet on the job, and Web sites that cater to “married but cheating” clientele. And guys, the word is out about Mistress Day, Feb. 13. What concerns me is the effect of infidelity and divorce on children. A new Dutch study reported on the effects of divorce with 2,149 boys and girls from 10 through 15. The Journal of Marriage and Family noted that girls, though not boys, were at high risk for depression in adolescence. With the damage that infidelity does to families and children, I thought the “sin” and dishonesty might be peaking and leveling off. A February article in the Journal of Sex Research was discouraging. The team is developing “a scale assessing sexual deception practices.” As if it wasn’t bad enough that students are lying about being faithful, 31 percent lied about the numbers of previous partners, and a whopping 69 percent failed to disclose having the human papilloma virus. Dr. Ruth emphatically reminded me of her concerns about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and AIDS. “Just watch. The numbers are going to start going up again,” she said. His and hers reasons that spouses cheat are similar: lack of intimacy and emotional fulfillment, the need for attention, a change in physical appearance, unkind words, and most especially, lack of communication. However, when infidelity is discovered, women tend be more forgiving than husbands, who are generally too angry to reconcile. Does religion help? Only for those attending church and not just parroting pious words. A new study from the Fuller Theological Seminary reported on 1,439 married participants. They found that those who talked “religious importance” but did not attend church regularly were more likely to have an affair than the churchgoers. When infidelity becomes an irreconcilable difference, women and children lose out financially. Mindful of the economics of divorce, one woman we know of was determined keep her marriage afloat despite a cheating husband. Taking a creative approach, she shocked him into resolving their differences. Just before he returned from a business trip, she posted a large sign on their front lawn. When he arrived back home, he found himself face to face with the words: “House for Sale — Husband Included.” Rita Watson is a monthly contributor and daily blogger at www.ritawatson.com. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Hormones, spring fever and sex

Rita Watson — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 03:22:05 +0000
Sunday, April 6, 2008 — Providence Journal (adaptation) IF WE ALL HAD the raging hormones of youth, might we become a more content, less stressed and sexually satisfied society? Some physicians suggest that hormones hold the key to intimacy. “Cougars,” older women dating younger men, swear by hormone replacement. Researchers find that in younger women hormones can protect against depression. Whether it is hormones, attitudes, or appetites, Cougars and some politicians appear to enjoy more passionate moments than the rest of society. Perhaps spring fever will help languishing libidos. In the United States about 20 million marriages are essentially sexless, according to an online survey of 4,000 men. Conducted by Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz, they reported in December 2007 that 68 percent of men blamed the bedroom blahs on their wives. One wonders how many visited VIP services or the Web sites for cheaters. What accounts for lack of marital intimacy? Most often it is boredom, exhaustion from the workplace, one’s physical health, or simply lack of desire. To cure boredom, therapists, books and Web sites seem to agree that couples need to be adventuresome, spontaneous, and push the boundaries of love-making. The best aphrodisiac? Loving words instead of criticism by day enhance creative play at night. Exhaustion is tough. The Work and Family Policy Institute’s “Overwork in America” report said that employees often felt unable to accomplish what was expected of them. Increasingly work spills into the home and in two-laptop, two-Blackberry families, these devices and not erotica end up in the bedroom. Health issues, medication, inhibited sexual desire, or decreased hormone levels also account for lackluster love-making. Hormones are the body’s chemical messengers. Hormone levels decrease in men and women in mid-life, and both genders may opt for replacement therapy. Testosterone prescriptions began soaring in 2004, according to pharmaceutical-sales tracking. This therapy differs from the dysfunction problem alleviated by the little blue pill that former Sen. Bob Dole has promoted. Despite advances in synthetic alternatives for women, many have been cautious as a result of a cancer scare several years ago. However, some physicians feel that hormone replacement has gotten a bad rap. Constance Guille, M.D., of the Yale Medical School’s Department of Psychiatry, has a paper in Epilepsy & Behavior regarding research studies under way to determine the therapeutic use of hormones for menstrual-cycle-linked neuro-psychiatric disorders. Although women taking synthetic hormones say they feel more passionate, it may simply be relief from their menopausal symptoms. Sexuality, Reproduction & Menopause recently reported that it is the male hormone delivered via a testosterone patch that appears to increase desire and arousal in women. Can hormone replacement be why Cougars are having so much fun? Men dating or marrying the women say: “Cougars trade on their strengths instead of weaknesses, such as Samantha from Sex and the City. Cougars know that in pleasing us, we will please them. Cougars don’t bad-mouth former husbands and lovers or spill out a sad history of abuse. These women are savvy and fun to be with.” Scott Haltzman, M.D., a psychiatrist and assistant professor at Brown University, notes in his newly released book, Secrets of Happily Married Women, “Your actions can show your husband how to care for you. As you cater to your guy, he’s watching and learning what marriage means. He’s enjoying the love and care of his wife and will soon feel, if he doesn’t already, the desire to do the same for you.” For those hoping that a dose of spring fever will rejuvenate life in the bedroom, scientists have disappointing news. Diaries indicate that sexual activity decreases during the spring and does not pick up again until autumn. Rita Watson ( www.ritawatson.com) is a monthly contributor and senior editor for an on-line medical magazine. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Packaging Sex and Abstinence: Is Congress Listening?

Rita Watson — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 03:23:17 +0000
Sex sells. Whether we wrap it in an abstinence package or talk about it through Planned Parenthood – we are talking about sex. In the abstinence world, the talk of sex translates into “no sex before marriage,” and it comes without the sound advice of safe sex based on good science. Escaping the message of sex is difficult to do. We live in a society in which magazines, movies, and television have blurred the boundaries of propriety. Sex is so much a part of our culture that even advertising for cars comes with seductive overtones. While we seem to be a society that likes sex, according to the recent Durex Survey the US ranks 23 out of 26 nations in terms of sexual satisfaction. Nonetheless sex was still on the minds of the “Virginity Rules” movement when Congress again debated $176 million abstinence legislation last fall. It passed and President Bush signed the measure into law and actually increased funding. The controversial issue was raised again in the Congress and on April 24th The Washington Times reported “a House hearing on the effectiveness of abstinence education loosed a flurry of statistics, studies and anecdotes, but concluded yesterday with little moment on the contentious issue." Furthermore the Government Accounting Office spokesperson acknowledged medical inaccuracies in federally funded abstinence materials, but said that Health and Human Services was working to correct them. But what was most shocking is that she said that more data was being collected because the information thus far, “is insufficient for the GAO to draw conclusions about the programs’ effectiveness.” Just how many millions more dollars does it take to show that children are having babies and sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise? The irony of the Congressional approval of the legislation is that their own mandated evaluation by Mathematica Policy Research Inc. shows that abstinence education has little impact on teen sexual practice and age of first sexual experience, just under 15. Last year Women’s News reported the candidates’ stand on the legislation. Hillary Clinton has gone on record for abstinence-plus – which essentially acknowledges respect for delaying sexual activity and viewing sex as part of an intimacy process with a view towards lifelong commitment. However, the plus means also teaching about safe sex and the use of contraception. Barack Obama is an advocate of age-appropriate comprehensive sex education. John McCain who now favors abstinence-only at one time favored comprehensive sex education and Mike Huckabee was a proponent of abstinence-only. What is the real message of abstinence education? Proponents would like to see children place more value on marriage and family than on sex. That’s a good message. But tax dollars should not be funding it. However, I would be pleased to see money spent on programs that instill passion and intimacy – not through sex, but through art, dance, and music. And I would favor funding for model family programs where children might learn to talk about ethics, feelings, relationships, and the value of intimacy and friendship. My grandmother taught us about family at the dining room table. There we shared thoughts, celebrated joys, and learned to decipher the meaning of a sigh, a half smile, an unspoken sadness. Today we live in a world of fragmented families often on treadmills racing against activities and time. There are few role models. But that doesn’t absolve us from our responsibilities as parents. Sex is a part of growing up. And it is up to us, not the Congress, to teach our children to grow up responsibly and respectfully of others as well as themselves. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Money, marriage, sex and secrets

Rita Watson — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 03:25:59 +0000
Sunday, March 2, 2008 — Providence Journal (600 word adaptation) MONEY DOESN’T CARE who owns it,” was a favorite saying of our Aunti Mame. She lived lavishly even during what she called “modest times.” Once we left the nest, we realized that Aunti was right. Money does not assure good taste or good manners. It does, however, provide comfort and sometimes freedom from stress. Nonetheless even in cushy two-income households money and sex (or lack thereof) are the top reasons for divorce. It seems that more sex buys more happiness than money can buy. However, the 2008 “Love and Money” survey of 1,049 people found that over 73 percent of women viewed financial know-how as a more important factor in choosing a potential partner than attractiveness. Money Management International (MMI), the largest nonprofit credit counseling agency in the United States, conducted the survey. “The problem is that most couples don’t talk about money,” says Brooks P. Bartlett Sr., managing director of Lighthouse Financial Group, a division of Metlife. “We spoke with one couple during a rather sad divorce and the woman said to us, ‘Look around. Do you see all of this beauty? We can’t afford any of it. We are broke. I just learned about this and my husband is in denial!’ Bartlett added, “Couples need to have a plan for their money.” Suze Orman, author of The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom, is trying to help women and men cope with mounting debt and develop a relationship with and respect for their money. Then there is the Women’s Institute for Financial Education (WIFE.org), which offers sound advice as well as a tongue-in-cheek guide to translating what “he says” and “she says.” One young husband said, “Whenever we have an argument over money, my wife goes on a spending spree. Then even when I get over my anger and I try to talk with her rationally, I go from hearing ‘no make-up sex for you’ to the silent treatment.” What happens in this type of situation? Each will go to bed angry. Husband and wife won’t sleep. And the next day neither will have a clear enough head to talk about the issue. Carl W. Brazil, M.D., Ph.D, a neurologist at the College of Physicians and Surgeons at Columbia University, says that even losing an hour or two of sleep a night can compromise how a person processes information or uses information to make judgments. When two people marry, and they have their own money-management or-mismanagement styles, they might guard money or debt as if they were holding onto a secret significant other. Experts agree that making a list of what comes in and what goes out, and having a dialogue instead of tossing accusations at each other about spending habits are important for a sound financial foundation. Financial literacy is becoming a new slogan in our economy. The Business Council and the Conference Board Survey of Chief Executives released in February found that more than 85 percent of members see conditions in the U.S. economy as having deteriorated during the past six months, “and 77 percent expect that conditions will worsen in the next six months.” The Federal Reserve reported consumer debt topping $2.5 trillion in December, exclusive of mortgages. It is not surprising that the Associated Press said last week that people are saving less and borrowing more from their retirement accounts. Families are understandably worried. Bruce R. Hrovat, executive vice president and chief operating officer for Citizens Financial Group, has this advice: “Save consistently. Be consistent. Just save what you can and keep on saving. It’s the time value of money. Eventually it will add up.” Rita Watson ( www.ritawatson.com) is a monthly contributor and senior editor for an on-line medical magazine. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Ways to avoid cell-phone smashing

Rita Watson — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 03:26:19 +0000
Sunday, January 6, 2008 — Providence Journal (600 word adaptation) RELATIONSHIPS that fizzle during the holidays often bubble over with anger long after the champagne has gone flat. What ever happened to the New Year sentiment about “old acquaintance”? Despite the blogs a-buzzing about December break-ups, I am an incurable romantic who wants to believe in happy endings and new beginnings in the face of considerable contrary evidence. A mother called on Christmas Eve after watching her son’s tearful young lady leave their home clinging to the present she had brought him. The 20-year-old explained: “I told her a month ago it wasn’t working out. I want to start the New Year with someone special.” Contrast this to the 45-year-old who spent the holidays vacationing with a woman whom he planned to leave after fulfilling their social obligations. Hopefully, he did not deliver his “goodbye” under the mistletoe or via text message after a night of passion. My heart hurt for both of the couples. Despite the difficulty with relationships, marriage continues. Writer and retired New Mexico judge Anne Kass notes that within three years of divorce, many people marry a second time. However, she says, even in the Land of Enchantment, 70 percent of second marriages involving stepchildren will fail. Couples who end relationships during the holidays often hear one party express disbelief and shock, but often they are simply not listening to each other. Or if one hears what the other person is saying, he or she may not wish to accept the situation. A showdown often follows. “Why shouldn’t I be angry?” questioned a divorced gentleman in his early 50s. “She literally threw herself against the door of my home and broke it in! What could have provoked this once sweet woman to do such a thing?” Perhaps it was an unfamiliar Saab sitting in his driveway, which his former love saw when she drove by his home because of an intuitive 3 a.m. impulse. She went into a rage. He later admitted, “We had pretty much broken up, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by letting her know that I was seeing someone else.” Sometimes two people know a relationship is rocky but coast along until an irritant pushes them over the edge. For one couple, the cell phone was their demise. “Whenever it rang, my wife would become furious if I didn’t tell her who was calling. Then at a party one night, it rang. I looked at the caller’s name. But before I could put the phone back in my pocket, she grabbed it and stepped on it.” An angry divorce and custody battle ensued. The desire to get even or to blame is pervasive in break-ups. It seems that only in sitcoms do we find a model for lovers turned friends, as with Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine. Wasn’t this supposed to be the modern way of endings? Good feelings instead of anger and resentment. When relationships come to an end, Pollyana here wants to believe in a Tibetan ritual of forgiveness, where couples celebrate the love they once shared, and then let go. Relationships can be exhilarating, but they are also fragile and complex. Perhaps this New Year we might think about “relationship resolutions.” For loves past, present, and future, the words of a life-coach friend and mother resonate: “You attract what you project.” Her simple thought may help to rekindle or strengthen relationships if upon awakening each morning we remember to: Wish blessings. Laugh often. And ask ourselves, “What can I do today to make someone I care about feel a little happier, less stressed, and unconditionally loved?” Rita Watson ( www.ritawatson.com) is a monthly contributor and senior editor for an on-line medical magazine. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Gratitude and sex ‘trumps the king’

Rita Watson — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 03:26:43 +0000
Sunday, November 4, 2007– Providence Journal (600 word adaptation) IF ALOVEMATCH.COM merged with aNewCar.com would relationships have a longer shelf life? With fall in the air, more invitations to join a Man-of-the-Month club arrive at my door than enhancement ads that clutter up the nation’s e-mail. Whatever happened to serendipity or friends introducing friends? Friends are either helping the divorce rate hover at 50 percent or e-mailing let’s-get-together-times without getting together. I remember when friends dropped by spontaneously to share a glass of wine, laughter and exchange stories about creative ways to thwart a blow up. We are still amused when thinking about the chess widow. “Once he gets started, I’m invisible. The other night, I surprised him. I slipped into the den wearing nothing more than a trench coat and whispered into his ear. Then I smiled sweetly at his puzzled partner and said, ‘Sex trumps the King.’ By morning my husband was grinning gratefully.” Her humor contradicts a new Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine report suggesting that wives, though not necessarily husbands, should “speak out” during marital disputes or risk a heart attack. Perhaps the quiet men are rewarded with a protective benefit, sex twice a week. A 10-year South Wales comparison study reported 50 percent lower mortality risk in men with “high orgasmic frequency.” This may be good news for online daters. Of 40 million Americans going to match services, 30 percent of women engage in sex on a first date, according to the recent Sexuality Research and Social Policy report. I know of five couples who married their online match. But for another twosome, serendipity intervened. “When I met my wife, we were Baby Boomers at an Ivy League graduate program. She was using one of those high-end dating services. I didn’t fit her stuffy doc profile. I kept telling her, ‘I’m younger than you are and more fun than these older guys.’ So I kept asking her out until she married me.” The experience of this couple, who are complementary opposites, underscores the “perception versus reality” problem. We seldom see ourselves as others see us. Perhaps online daters and even committed couples, who wish to enhance each others virtues, might try the profile exchange. If you write a short profile of yourself and add five positive qualities and five negative traits, then ask a friend to write an honest profile as he or she sees you, would your “perceived-self” recognize your “real-self”? Sometimes misperception stands in the way of a love match and relationships keep ending sadly. Yale’s Robert J. Sternberg, Ph.D., suggests rewriting your love story and finding someone with a comparable dream. A serious love scenario, in which “lifelong” is a priority, will foster youthful, healthy aging. It is as important to think about desirable attributes in a potential partner as it is to gather specifics regarding a new car: style, acceleration, performance, horsepower, safety and dependability. Couples who once did share the story of devoted lovers and friends often hit rocky places. Nagging, thoughtlessness, unkind words, and passive-aggressiveness become tripping points. An exercise in gratitude is a simple solution. Thinking of the endearing qualities that your partner possesses, even if these seem to be hiding, and expressing gratitude for them, will spark a change in your attitude and your partner’s reactions. Skeptical of word power? Sound-bites change voter opinion and influence juries. Remember the glove? “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.” A silent “thank you,” based on the principle of subliminal word thought, can create renewed appreciation, respect, and peacefulness.   When it comes to intimacy, passion and joy as lifelong goals, these require sprucing up day by day. Rita Watson www.ritawatson.com) is a monthly contributor and senior editor for an on-line medical magazine. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Sex and smiling seniors

Rita Watson — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 03:27:10 +0000
Saturday, October 6, 2007 — Providence Journal (600 word adaptation) WHEN YOU ARE AT a social event, do you ever look at other couples and wonder — do they or don’t they? From most accounts, if you have young children, when you do get to bed at night, you have only one thought in mind — sleep. If you are a business couple, married to laptops and e-mail gadgets, you don’t even get to bed every night. And when you do, you sleep in separate bedrooms, says a WCCO-TV Minneapolis survey. But if you are in your senior years and smiling coyly, you might be one of those who enjoy sex regularly, as reported recently in the New England Journal of Medicine. Great-grandma was ahead of her time. When she came to America to celebrate her 90th birthday and visit her 12 children, the party invitation read: “No presents, just negligees made of French silk.” As she opened gifts she fingered the fabric and smiled, “Grazia.” When she died at 104, her young lover was 80. It was then that we learned of her amorous ways. The universities of Chicago and Toronto studied 3,005 men and women between ages 57 to 85, and reported that two-thirds of those in their 70s are having sex at least twice a month. Some continue into their 80s. An interesting finding is that while both genders admit to sexual issues, men tend to talk to their doctors about them while women tend not to. The explanation is simple. Men have an advocate in Bob Dole. War hero and retired Republican senator from Kansas, he took to the airwaves nearly 10 years ago and helped spawn an industry talking about ED — erectile dysfunction. The pharmaceutical companies still applaud him, as do content men and oftentimes the younger women on their arm. Not all older gentlemen want trophy wives. Although the following words were mistakenly attributed to Andy Rooney, we still love them: “Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart! Her libido is stronger. Her appreciation of experienced lovemaking is honed and reciprocal. And she’s lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of.” A cartoon in a September issue of The New Yorker may be suggesting a trend. Three older men with cigars are portrayed in armchairs at their private club. One asks, “What about you, Walter — how do you feel about same-age marriage?” The question should be — how do you feel about marriage and re-marriage? Most people agree that it is good for families. Good for couples. The union often ensures a ripe old age — despite theories that a dog may add more years to a man’s life than a wife. However, marriage doesn’t always ensure good sex. Why do people have sex anyway? Psychologists at the University of Texas, Austin, asked 2,000 people and compiled a list of 237 reasons. For both men and women the top two reasons stated: attraction to the person; physical pleasure. When dual-career couples take to their separate bedrooms, they forgo the spontaneity and connection that keeps physical loving alive. Despite Alzheimer’s, whenever my father, Vincent, shakes someone’s hand, he always remembers to say: “If we touch each other more, we hurt each other less.” Are seniors telling us that sex is really human touch — the ultimate expression of caring and friendship? In a world of chaos and uncertainty, perhaps seniors are experiencing what young couples and professionals are missing — intimate moments that restore our spirit, reaffirm our humanity, and give us reason to exchange a discreetly knowing smile. Rita Watson (www.ritawatson.com) is a monthly contributor and senior editor for an on-line medical magazine. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Sexual shutout in hidden agenda hell

Rita Watson — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 03:27:33 +0000
Saturday, September 10, 2007 — Providence Journal (600 word adaptation) HIDDEDN AGENDAS are relationship hell that live in a cauldron of unspoken words and fiery outbursts. The good professor believes that women are masters of the veiled word and tells me, “You just can’t seem to say what you mean.” Men find themselves perplexed by hidden agendas and admit that when they can’t decipher the message — wives, girlfriends, or partners withhold affection. One young man voiced an often repeated theme, the sexual shut-out. “Do you know why men try to pick up women at bars?” he asked, “Because our women have shut us down. Then if we happen to meet another woman, even for fun, we’re the bad guys!” He added: “They force us out and want us to be celibate while we try to read their minds. I don’t want to read her mind. I want her to tell me. Show me. I said to her one day, ‘Take a look at this. It’s a car manual. See these symbols? Each one points to a problem. Pretend I’m a car. Show me what’s wrong. Make a list of what you want. I’ll try to fix it. But don’t keep telling me that ‘I don’t get it,’ because I don’t. What she doesn’t get is that we are both losing this battle.” Social research confirms that men and women think differently. Dr. Myrna Weissman, a professor of psychiatry at Columbia, did research while at Yale on depression in women. She found that when marriage gets rocky, women seek counseling, whereas men wait until the marriage is over, and then wonder what happened. In a society that flaunts sex on television, at the movies, and with car ads of sultry women — can hidden agendas account for our low sexual satisfaction rating? According to the recent Durex Survey, in terms of sexual pleasure and frequency, the United States ranks at 23 out of 26 nations. Although couples with hidden agendas may remain together, sometimes angry words erupt about an unrelated issue. How often do women tease men in public about their expanding waistlines? They should realize that for every one insult hurled at a man three women are waiting to say, “Ooh, ooh, ooh, I just love your teddy bear tummy.” At a dinner party, silverware jangled each time a husband spoke and his wife snapped: “How many times do I have to tell you, that’s not how it happened?” He said: “I don’t hear her anymore. I live an old philosophy: ‘Don’t take unkind words personally. They are not because of you. They are because of the one who utters them.’” Both men and women with hidden agendas may be harboring contradictory wishes that they are afraid to share. She wants to be married. He doesn’t. She wants security. He wants sex. She wants to retire and garden. He wants to travel. She wants his money. He wants her companionship. Both say nothing and they play the game. When a hidden agenda masks a skeleton in the closet, it becomes complicated. One man told us that a certain incident nearly ruined his marriage. “I vowed to keep this secret even from my wife and take it with me to the grave. Then before major surgery, I told my priest friend. When I finished my story, he said, ‘Is that all?’ I looked him in the eye and asked: ‘That’s not bad enough. You want more?’ We doubled over laughing, and I learned forgiveness.” Hidden agendas are like the emperor’s new clothes. If we pretend they do not exist, as with the naked emperor, the relationship becomes vulnerable and exposed. Talking and trusting takes courage. Rita Watson (www.ritawatson.com) is a monthly contributor and senior editor for an on-line medical magazine. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Overdrive in the passive-aggressive lane

Rita Watson — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 03:27:59 +0000
Saturday, August 20, 2007 — Providence Journal (600 word adaptation) THE DISCUSSION was animated. Men. Sex. Cars. Relationships. Yet when I announced that I wanted to be the “Sex in the City for Men Only” columnist, right after our Bill and Monica debate, silence slammed into me. Finally a dear professor quizzed: “What do you know about the subject?” After I calmly recounted that I was the mother of sons, had spent years at The Times as one of the guys plus another 10 years in psychology and psychiatry at Yale, I realized that I can write about the subject because I can talk about it. Growing up in a working world of men, we talked often about relationships, generally after I made an analogy between cars and sex — without blushing. The next day, I would receive a phone call inviting me to lunch. We would begin with complaints about editors and deadlines. Then across the table I would see a slight turn of the head, clenched jaw, and hunched shoulders. He might even loosen his tie. Finally a lowered voice would say, “We are having this problem.” Somehow, we could talk freely until we came too close to the real issue — sexual needs versus understanding. Then it was back to wishing for the luxury that eluded us in Manhattan, owning a car. Cars are a safe subject and car writers get right down to the details. Whether or not a man plans to buy a new car is irrelevant. The articles cover specifics. A man knows that what he reads, sees, test drives, and eventually buys is what he gets. When something goes wrong, he has the repair manual and a maintenance schedule. Relationships are not that clear-cut. Men so often say, “After we were married, something changed, mostly our sex life.” I would like to believe that as women we are not leopards changing our spots. Yet even Boston Legal featured Denny Crane learning that his fifth wife was planning on retiring him to Hawaii minutes after saying, “I do.” It would be ideal if the sexes could talk about expectations and perceptions. But it doesn’t happen that way. When a man comes home from work, a woman may ask with sincerity, “How was your day?” But he doesn’t want to talk about it. Many women in offices are disillusioned with the workforce. Yet, they bring the office home with them and want to talk about conflicts, confrontations, and demands. Chances are he doesn’t want to hear about it, at least not immediately. Then the accusation comes at him: “You never talk to me.” As we shift into a 24/7 Blackberry, laptop and two-paycheck society, there are too many couples on overdrive moving into the passive-aggressive or snipe-at-each-other lane. When a car shows signs of stress, or needs a tune-up, men handle it immediately. There is a problem and men fix it. In a relationship, who is responsible for the tune up? Perhaps women should take the lead. Although men today are more involved in parenting and family than our fathers were, women have that sixth sense. Research at Yale indicates that women have so keen an intuition that they sense a relationship problem at its inception. If men and women could develop their intuitive skills and interpret the silences, downcast eyes, uncomfortable moments and body language, perhaps more relationships could be saved. Or should women be using their gift to cultivate non-judgmental spaces within the home? In an atmosphere with no hidden agendas, just simple clarity, both parties would benefit. When home is a sanctuary, men might find saying, “Can we talk?” is as easy as test driving a car. Rita Watson (ritawatson.com) is a monthly contributor and senior editor for an on-line medical magazine. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

We're Dancing to a NEW and Simple "Leave a Comment" Tune

admin — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 04:20:25 +0000
We are dancing our way into a new blog that has a simple "leave a comment" feature. Your Email will remain private. We are trying out a new design. And looking forward to lively feedback from all of you. There have been some provocative stories with more to come. While my favorites are always about love -- it seems that many of you are writing me (via email) but now you can easily blog me, about infidelity, betrayals, and partners who have been less than honest. Sometimes life between the sexes gets testy. Take this really terrific dance piece with Eleanor Powell and Fred Astaire. Word has it that it is a treasure. It seems she may have been too good for Fred Astaire and he never wanted to be paired with her again. The voice is Frank Sinatra. For now, take a minute vacation. Slip on your dancing shoes.  And put on a happy face.

If You Cheat, Should You Tell?

admin — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 03:01:14 +0000
Too often, when a relationship is in trouble, one party is unfaithful. When does this usually happen? Usually there are games that are played before any person cheats. These often include the notion of who is right and who is wrong. There seems to be a few variations of the game, but essentially one can expect: • The silent treatment because one is right, the other is wrong. • One party may withhold sex, because one is right, another is wrong. • One person may take a hard line on an issue and it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong – there is a stalemate. Respect: The unique aspect is the ability for two people, independent thinkers, to respect the other’s point of view. Infidelity never settles an argument. In fact, cheating always delays the resolution. Infidelity is harmful: Drawing a line in the sand creates a tension in which one may win the battle but lose the war. Or win a point, and lose out on love. But what happens when tension builds up is that one person seeks solace in the arms of another. Even if there is no physical infidelity, emotionally one can detach from one’s spouse and bond with another person. When this happens, the big questions is this: “Should I fess up to cheating?” Websites one relationships, post two simple views. “Yes, you should tell.” Or “No, keep your mouth shut.” If you tell: This is a tough one because some spouses cannot handle indiscretion. Cheating does not signal an end to marriage or a relationship, but it will most certainly add a new stress and stain. Researchers tell us that it can often take up to two years before a marriage in which one partner cheated is made right. Distrust, betrayal, anger often consumes the partnership. Forgiveness: When two people reach a stalemate, for the sake of the marriage or the relationship there is only one solution — negotiating a settlement by working through the problem instead of pretending it will go away. Talk about problems the minute they occur. Anger and laughter: My grandmother always said, “Never let the sun set on your anger.” Find something to laugh about even in a difficult situation. It is so difficult to laugh when you are angry. But finding a way to use a sense of humor to help you through difficult times will be worth the effort and may save your marriage. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

To Save a Relationship, Even After Infidelity - Friends Can Help

admin — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 03:01:15 +0000
When a relationship is in trouble, people need help. Either through counseling, or friendships. Sometimes in order to keep a marriage together for the sake of children, one spouse finds solace with another partner. Very often a wife or husband suspects, but ignores the situation. It takes a toll. Refusing to face a problem and fix it very often mean that you will keep meeting the problem over and over again. This is where friends can help. Friends who are positive thinkers and who appreciate your family situation may actually help you survive infidelity, or help you realize that if you don't change your ways, you will face a spouse who will be unfaithful.   But let's not kid ourselves -- when a woman withholds sex, and decides to leave a separate life apart from her husband, he will be unfaithful. When a woman puts career first, her husband will very likely stray. If you have friends and you value them, they may tell you a truth you would rather not hear. But if they are friends who believe in you, they won’t play games. I am not talking about friends who will say, “Take him for all you can get.” Or “Screw her, she deserves it.” I am talking about friends who realize that anger is very damaging. Friends who play Devil’s Advocate may help you evaluate your situation and give you supportive advice. Or they be blatantly frank and point out things you would rather not hear. While most of society feels there is something morally wrong about infidelity, it goes on and on and women are becoming as active in this role as are men. Here is a link to When Good People Have Affairs by Mira Kirshenbaum. Some of her thoughts may surprise you. Good People Who Have Affairs To repair a relationship after infidelity or know when to call it quits, here is a WebMD link: Overcoming Infidelity Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Love, Relationships, Forgiveness, and Sex

Rita Watson — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 03:01:40 +0000
Bear with us!  We have a new system for quick and easy to leave comments. And we are working through the last of the minor glitches. Watch for our new Blogroll. So many thanks to you. Rita and Ferol

Thrilled to Death -- In Pursuit of Pleasure

Rita Watson — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 04:21:10 +0000
With the paperback release of Thrilled to Death: How the Enless Pursuit of Pleasure is Leaving Us Numb, friends are calling. I didn’t read the book by Dr. Archibald Hart, a clinical psychologist, however, The Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry questioned the new data. The book itself has been around for years, but now Dr. Hart reports new brain imaging studies. Despite some raised eyebrows, he seems to make an interesting point – the rise in what is called anhedonia. This is basically the opppposite of hedonism (the pursuit of pleasure) only in this case, it is the inability to experience pleasure or happiness because of "over seeking" -- emotions, sex, relationships, food and drugs. One friend wrote, "I was amazed to hear of mice driving themselves to exhaustion and death with pleasure!" Dr. Hart seems to be advocating a bit of boredom in our lives -- it might be healthy and relaxing. Here is a link:  Amazon.com Thrilled to Death and you can take a look at the table of contents and his steps for overcoming anhedonia. Just remember gratitude, laughter, and love goes a long way to fill an empty heart. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

STDs: A Moral Obligation to Tell the Truth

Rita Watson — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 04:45:57 +0000
In the spirit of full disclosure, I would much rather be writing about love and sex than STDs -- which is why I am referring you to another site, but first . . . . . . to answer Brody and friends -- "yes" if you have it, you always know it. Someone who claims not to know is simply not telling the truth. Contagious for life: Between 10 and 15 years ago, doctors across the globe blanketed their offices with information for men and particularly for women. (See June 11th -- Herpes in the News, What you Should Know) Also Our Bodies, Ourselves made certain that women knew about their health and health risks. Covering up -- a pattern: When someone says, "I didn't know..." it could be that they are in denial or simply dishonest. No matter how good a story they might tell, think back on other episodes with the same person -- are you dealing with a pattern of pathological lying?   It is difficult to know. See posts this week titled, "Liar, Liar" June 21 and "Hey Guys, the Ladies Are on Your Side" June 23. Watch House, MD: Those who fail to disclose remind me of a case on this show in which a woman gave a kidney to a lover about to leave her hoping that "obligation" would hook the two for life.   With STDs or herpes: In some perverted way, those who fail to disclose -- and perhaps manipulate for sympathy -- may think that the person whom they have infected will be unwilling to disclose to a new partner and therefore stay attached to them for life. Can you trust?   If a man or a woman will jeopardize your health think about how he or she might harm your reputation, your finances, your career? Here is a site that has questions and answers -- again, far less opinionated than I am. Cut me a bit of slack. I am an incurable romantic who belives that relationships are built on truthfulness.   Herpes cold sores: How to tell     One last word, Brody -- instead of anger be grateful that "the truth has set you free." Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Loving Tips

Rita Watson — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:00:39 +0000
Just a few tips from Redbook to spice up your life with your man. But guys, you can suggest these as well. Some are naughty. Some are sweet. Enjoy. Love Tips

Getting Married at The Car Show!

Rita Watson — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 03:01:09 +0000
It seems that 36 couples have applied to take part in a marriage ceremony at a car show in Sweden next month. There will be ten priests from the Church of Sweden performing the ceremony at what is being called, “the focal point of the auto gathering, a motorcade of 1950s and 1960s cars,” according to Reuters. Honk Once for “I Do” This seems to me to be the ultimate guy wedding and it will last just 7 minutes. Can't wait to hear the music. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Over 45ers Taking Unsafe Chances When Dating

Rita Watson — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 03:01:35 +0000
It seems that too many couples dating later in life are taking chances with their health. A new report from the United Kingdom is reflective of trends in cities across Eurpore and the United States. With the wealth of information on the Internet — be safe not sorry. Do not be afraid to ask a new partner straight out — here are a few easy ways to ask: “Have you ever had an outbreak of herpes?” “How often do you get cold sores?” (remember HSV1 and HSV2 are interchangable) “Are you taking any medication for herpes or STD’s?” If a partner bristles or gets irritated, say "Good night." Enjoy life safely. http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2008/jun/30/health.nhs Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Where Men Wait on Cafe Princesses

Rita Watson — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 03:01:17 +0000
At the Butlers Cafe in Japan, women are being waited on by young, attractive, Western men.   See for yourself how these women, tired of the routine of daily life, are treated as if they are Princesses. Yes, tiara is included. http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/world/2008/06/30/lah.white.cafe.cnn Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Free Yourself: New Looking Love, Same Old Pattern

Rita Watson — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 04:02:42 +0000
It’s the Fourth of July and a good time to break free of past relationship patterns that were destructive or hurtful. Even if you are with a new love, it might be your old love in disguise. So many times we go back to what we know. Women recognize themselves doing this, oftentimes men do not. I can help him change: We all have women friends who are in a destructive relationship, they know it, but they believe they can overcome and help their man change. Too often we heard the words, “I know he drinks, but… “I know he gambles, but… “I know he gave me herpes and lied about it, but he loved me so much he was afraid to lose me… Please, ladies, set yourselves free! For men it is less obvious. Despite problems with moving old blog to new — you are still getting in touch and telling me your stories. Here are two good ones: In my past relationships, the women were looking for a meal ticket. This one is different. She really digs me. But we come from different backgrounds and my friends think she is waiting for her ticket…” “In my past relationships, women had a hidden agenda. My new girlfriend is a younger and pretty innocent. When I traveled to San Francisco from New York one night, I think she called all the hotels in the city trying to find me.          At first I thought she was trying to track me down. But she told me the truth, that she just wanted to say ‘good-night.’ It was sort of sweet.” No point in going on – you get the picture. Hello Cluleless? Are you there? Friends and truth: When friends try to tell you the truth that you don’t want to hear, do you get angry or defensive? Probably both. Too bad because friends with whom you have a history, want to love and protect you. Ladies, take a look to see whether or not you are dating a loser: Red Flags Here is some advice for the men:   Seven Mistakes Head over heels: Men have a more difficult time than women breaking old patterns because too often they fall head over heels with looks and don’t take a good look inside the heart and soul of the woman whom them are with. Even when a woman might be telling outright lies, they find excuses. Why? It is easier than confronting. Women on the other hand talk to their girlfriends who may yell, scream, and beg them to toss out the guy with the bad pattern! Change even for the better is difficult. But wake up and tell yourself over and over again, “I deserve the best.” Happy Fourth! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Mood Booster 1: Spend Time with Friends and Family

Rita Watson — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 04:01:04 +0000
If you've never looked through the world with rose-colored glasses now may be the time to order a pair. Not only will a hearty dose of optimism cheer you, but a positive outlook can also dramatically improve your health. Everyone knows how easy it is to pick up a cold when “you’re resistance is low.” New studies no urge us to be as mindful of our moods and attitudes as we are of our physical health. Research from medical centers around the world conclude that hostility, cynicism, depression, and stress contribute significantly to the onset of illness and also slow down recovery. Conversely, minor changes in attitude can bring about major positive changes in health. The Decision Making Tips Mood Boosters will make you feel both happier and healthier. SPEND TIME WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY “Good times spend with friends and family are a tonic for the spirit but may also be good for the body,” says David Spiegel, M.D., of Stanford University in California. Indeed, the risk to health associated with being socially isolated is of “the same order of magnitude as the risk that accompanies smoking or having high cholesterol levels,” Spiegal says. A recent study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association reported that when healthy volunteers were infected with a cold virus, those more involved with friends, family, work, and church groups didn’t get sick. Conversely, the volunteers who were loners, and had few social contacts readily picked up the colds. Spiegel notes that we tend to lose sight of the fact that humans are social creatures. “Social support is a stress buffet,” he says. “My prescription for good health is to take one friend or family members at least three times a day as needed.” Adapted from New Choices article by Rita Watson, Copyright 2007 Watson

Mood Booster 2: Mange Subtle Stress

Rita Watson — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 04:01:21 +0000
Everyone knows how stressful divorce, job loss, or a move to another part of the country can be. But the impact of less obvious stress-producing events often go unrecognized. These more subtle stressors, such as an unfulfilling job, a rocky marriage, or just sitting in commuter traffic day in and day out, can suppress the immune system. That leaves the body open to infection disease, and muscle weakness, according to Bruce McEwen, Ph.D, of Rockefeller University in New York City, who reported his findings in the New England Journal of Medicine. We can handle acute stress when we must-both the good stress of working toward a difficult goal and the bad stress caused by some kind of calamity. When the stressful period ends, our bodies gradually return to normal functioning. However, if we are in a “state of chronic stress, hormones gradually produce harmful changes in blood pressure, blood sugar levels, and cholesterol levels,” notes McEwen. Without realizing it, subtle stress has made us ill. In more recent research, McEwen and colleagues found that, contrary to the long-held belief that humans or animals cannot grow new brain cells once they reach adulthood, monkeys constantly make new brain cell sin an area of the brain used for forming long-term memories. But the brain stops producing these new cells when the animals are under stress. If this happens in animals, the researchers wonder, why not in humans? This is all the more reason to keep stress at bay. How can you deal with life’s subtle stressors? The first order of business is to try to get a good night’s sleep. If you go through the day dragging your heels or some other part of your anatomy, you’ll find it difficult to deal with much of anything. Then, try to alleviate those minor irritations that leave you feeling grumpy or out of sorts. Break up your day by going for a short walk at lunch. Change your routine if you can. Take a different route to work or back home. If you’re at home during the day, vary the order in which typically do things. If you always go to the market in the morning, wait until after lunch. If you visit the library in the evening, switch to the afternoon for a while. The changes don’t have to earth-shattering, but they should give you the feeling that you’re looking at life from a slightly different angle. Adapted from New Choices article by Rita Watson, Copyright 2007 Watson

How Big a Love Lie Have You Bought?

Rita Watson — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 11:59:13 +0000
What if friends warned you that your love might be cheating, or leading a double life, or was responsible for giving you a sexually transmitted disease? So you confront your love and he or she gets angry with you for doubting them.   So now YOU become the bad guy. Friends are incredulous because they know you are buying a love lie. What happens? Hopefully it doesn’t get as bad as what happened to Anne Hathaway. Seems that her man Raffaello Follieri, 30, has been arrested from serious charges stemming for accusations that he “swindled millions from investors.” According to PEOPLE magazine, “She loved him and so she didn’t see much else until now,” a source close to Hathaway told the magazine. “She was completely blinded on this one.” What should you do if you suspect you are being lied to? Instead of buying a story, confront. And talk to friends! This is one time you should not be relying on your own judgement. If your friends think you are being duped even after what you think is a plausible story — you probably are living in Anne Hathaway’s world.  from People magazine NOTE: For related stories go to June titled posts: Liar, Liar and Hey Guys, Ladies on Your Side, and also STDs, a moral obligation to tell the truth. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Mood Booster 3: Laugh Yourself Healthy

Rita Watson — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 04:01:53 +0000
Sure, you know that your mood is better after you’ve had a good laugh, but did you know that your health may improve, too? Remember Psalm 17- “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.” Medical research has caught up. Studies reported by Lee Berk, M.D., a neurologist at Loma Linda University in California, and his team, as well as other researchers, show that laughter prompts changes in the body that may help the immune and endocrine systems to function better. Laughter increases the number and activity of cells that help us fight disease and decreases stress-related hormones. The nice thing about laughter is that it’s contagious, according to Robert Provine, Ph.D., of the University of Maryland. When you hear other people laugh, you tend to laugh too. Provine suggests that laughter does something special to our brains to trigger the laugh sounds in us. So for the sake of your health, if you don’t find the nightly sitcoms funny, rent some of your favorite old movies ; or call a friend to share your latest joke. Adapted from New Choices article by Rita Watson, Copyright 2007 Watson

Jealousy! JEALOUSY

Rita Watson — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 19:57:19 +0000
Jealousy has no gender preference. Either you are the jealous type or you are not. And the reasons for jealousy are similiar in men and women. Women who say they are jealous -- oftentimes (if single) are still looking themselves and therefore project their own unfaithfulness onto a man. (Told to me by a professor and confirmed by many conversations with both men and women since then.) A man who is jealous -- well the same applies. Regardless of the gender, jealousy can be petty or serious. There are ways to handle jealousy but there is no way to prevent a person who is has a tendency to cheat to be honest about his or her true motives for telling you that he or she is jealous. Bottom line -- jealousy is about insecurity in a relationship. It is also a red flag.   Take a look at some of the earlier posts on Lies, Cheating, and Infidelity. Next week, we are presenting some interviews on jealousy, manipulation, and open relationships. Share your thoughts. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Mood Booster 4: Control Your Anger

Rita Watson — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 04:01:26 +0000
Anger is an emotion we should all make an effort to quell for the sake of our hearts, says Thomas Pickering, M.D., D.Phil., of New York City’s Cornell Medical Center. “We ask people to keep diaries, and we can see that on days when they are particularly angry, their blood pressure goes up,” says Pickering, who heads the Cornell Work Site Blood Pressure Study. “While many people don’t feel angry enough often enough during the day for it to have an impact on their health, for some, an outburst of anger can tip them over the edge.” Not everyone is able to alter a job situation. But everyone can and should take the time to have lunch with a friend to talk out an anger-provoking situation. Other techniques to manage anger include excusing yourself from volatile predicaments, saying, “I’ll get back to you on that” or, when pressed for an answer you know will create more anger, learning to say, “I need some time to think about this.” Of course, there’s always that old standby; counting to 10. According to Susan Everson, Ph.D., of the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, cynical distrust I s the “toxic component” of anger. Everson studied more than 2,000 Finnish men, asking whether they agreed or disagreed with statements such as “No one really cares as much about what happens to you” and “I think most people would like to get ahead.” She found that those who turned out to be the most cynical were also likely to have unhealthy lifestyles. They smoked more, drank more, and exercised less. What can you do to get over this type of negative behavior? Wise advice comes from Redford Williams, M.D., of Duke University in Durham, North Carolina, who uncovered the link between heart disease and the hostility and anger of Type A behavior. When you find yourself in a situation that triggers hostility and anger, Williams suggests that you ask yourself whether the situation is important enough to be worth continuing you attention, whether your reaction is appropriate to the situation, and whether you can change the situation. Most times, he notes, the answer to all three questions will be no. So find alternative responses, and back off. Adapted from New Choices article by Rita Watson, Copyright 2007 Watson

Mood Booster 5: Exercise Away the Blues

Rita Watson — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 04:01:17 +0000
Although not everyone wakes up whistling each morning, some people never seem to put a cheery spin on anything. If you feel down in the dumps occasionally, chances are you know the reason for the slump and you also know that you’ll probably snap out of it soon. In the meantime, exercise will help lighten your mood. Exercise has been shown to reduce anxiety and stress, improve memory, and increase a sense of well-being. As if that’s not enough, aerobic exercise seems to enhance creativity, quite independent of its effect on mood. Why should something so simple have such a positive effect? Researchers don’t know. Theories include a regaining control of one’s body, altering chemical substance in the brain, or elevating body temperature, which could have an effect on the brain. How much exercise is enough? Two of five times a week for 30 to 40 minutes, plus 5 to 10 minutes each of warm up and cool-down is recommended. If negative feelings seems to go on and on without a light at the end of the tunnel, however, you may be suffering from depression. Consider talking with you doctor if you’ve lose interest in things you used to enjoy; your appetite or weight has changed dramatically in a short time; you feel tired all the time; or you have problems concentrating, thinking, or making decisions. Treatment will not only give you a bright outlook on life, it may help improve your health, as well. Depression has been identified as a major risk factor for heart disease, and studies from Stanford University show a strong relationship between depression and breast cancer. Although therapy and/or medication can for the most part relive depression, an even lower-tech solution can often do the trick. Recent evidence shows that aerobic exercise may be as effective as psychotherapy and medications in treating mild to moderate depression, and is even more effective when used in conjunction with conventional therapies. Australian researchers found that two one-hour exercise sessions a week for six week significantly alleviated feelings of depression among depressed women, and also elevated moods in non-depressed women. Adapted from New Choices article by Rita Watson, Copyright 2007 Watson

New Rules for Open Marriage

Rita Watson — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 04:01:40 +0000
Despite sudden notoriety, couples have been choosing alternative arrangements for years! Just look at Eleanor and Franklin D. Roosevelt, Nelson Rockefeller and his mistress, and the open relationship between John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Then there was the scandal that rocked Amherst College in the 1800's. Today we have new books that discuss open relationship arrangements. There is even a section on how to deal with jealousy.   That would NEVER work for me -- I am still furious at the women who got the last pair of sandals that I wanted at Nordstrom's. And yes, we did check with other stores. From my Providence Journal column this past Sunday -- enjoy! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Infidelity? Madonna and A-Rod; a Pregnant CBS Reporter

Rita Watson — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 04:17:48 +0000
"When do you walk away from infidelity?" is a question I have asked many times. In the world of entertainment the question has many answers. There are the rumors about A-Rod, New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez, and Madonna.  "Not so," says Madonna. "A divorce" says A -Rod's wife. Then there is no denying the Lara Logan story. The CBS reporter is expecting the child of a married man whom she met in Iraq. What’s infidelity all about? Let me point out once again that much of the research points to a need that is more than sexual — it is about a lack of understanding, a lack of communication, unkind words, or passive agressive behavior, the real relationship killer which happens when one or the other simply withdraws or walks. The opposite sex: Also, it isn’t always an attraction to the opposite sex that is the infidelity culprit. Some readers have told me of the hurt they experienced when their spouses drifted off with someone of the same sex. A practical perspective: Please understand, if the relationship is over — despite the pain and the hurt you might feel, simply know that he or she was not the right person for you. However, I encourage you to read other postings about saving your marriage or relationship despite infidelity. Just go to SEARCH -- top of the page right and put in "infidelity." From fantasy to herpes: Sometimes relationships end because a man or a woman has a fantasy image. Then he or she sees someone who looks like their dream, but only too late realize that looks deceive. And I have heard too many stories about men who find the love of their life, throw caution to the wind, jeopardize their careers or families, and then end up divorced or as one smart man learned -- even worse -- herpes!   You can be done with someone after a divorce, herpes is with you all your life. The scoop on two new scandals:

Madonna and A-Rod and why is his wife suing for divorce? Madonna link; More from nbc5i.com

Lara Logan A reporter tells her story

Taking what doesn't belong and Boundry violations: Someone once told me that infidelity was really like stealing --- it is taking something that doesn't belong to you.  An attorney pointed out to me that any boundry violation can be seen as "infidelity to one's character" such as: teacher-student, employer-employee, religious leader-congregation member or children. Infidelity damages one's integrity. A wise old saying: A relationship ends as it begins. If it begins in deception according to the law of karma those involved will be deceived. If it begins hot and fiery, it will end in ashes. If it begins thoughtfully and honestly -- it will last and last and last. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Beach Time Becomes Jail Time in Dubai, YouTube Love Scene

Rita Watson — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 03:01:33 +0000
Beach time in Dubai means just that -- beach time. You know, sun, sand, water, and definitely no sex. Seems as if beach loving is off limits. Apparently a couple had a bit too much champagne at an office party, drifted off to the beach, and found themselves in the midst of the classic scene in From Here to Eternity -- you know the one where the waves wash over two lovers? The lovers were Deborah Kerr and Burt Lancaster involved in an illicit affair even way back when! Fast forward to Dubai and remake the scene with sex -- then add handcuffs -- from police -- leading the lovers off to jail.   No Beach Sex, please! The famous beach love scene in From Here to Eternity:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W6AGM-LxGY Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Why Men Miss the Clues: A Study Says...

Rita Watson — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 04:01:08 +0000
We all talk too often about Clueless men. Well a new study is out that says the men are more apt to listen to words than take stock of someone's actions. In the world of body language, men do not seem to have the same sense of interpretation as do women. The good professor often says, "Men are simple creatures."   And according to this new study men DO need things spelled out. From CNN.com living this piece posted today says, She is Just Not that Into You -- or IS SHE? " Case in point: If a woman is giving 'I'm interested' signals -- touching a man on the arm, for example, or maintaining eye contact and smiling while talking -- but then talks about how she's not really interested in dating, the man's going to believe her words, Stafford says, not her action." Reality check: And in reality we know of men whose girl friends track them down in a crowded airport halfway across the world and will manage to get information about whether or not they have a travel companion.  When confronted "Are your tracking me down?" all she needs to say is "Oh, no. I was worried about you." When will the CIA or the FBI come to realize that a jealous woman can find out more about her man than all the detectives in the world. And when confronted by the man, she will simply cry and he will listen to her words rather than trust his gut and look at her actions. Women saving women: But conversely, if there was a study about women's instincts, women who are jealous usually have a reason and many a woman's dignity was saved when she learned the truth about her man. But ironically, the truth sets women free, whereas men just wait until reality hits them over the head. She's Just Not Into You Ironically a book with a similar title was a highlight on a Sex and the City episode several years ago --only this book was called He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys (The Newly Expanded Edition) by Greg Behrendt, Liz Tuccillo, and Lauren Monchik The message here is simple and the title of many books on effective communications -- it is called, "Say What You Mean."   Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Pole Dancing, Naked Protests, and Sizzling in Chile

Rita Watson — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 05:26:08 +0000
It seems that a pole dancing subway stripper has been carted off to jail. Apparently the police were not amused by "happy minutes" for the riders. She said she was challenging societal prudishness in Chile. Stripper Arrested Apparently, skimpily dressed women and naked college students can make a powerful statement. Another group stripped down totally to protest poor education. Naked Protest I think the Chileans get five stars for creativity. One wonders if the society is really timid outside, do couples have torried relationships behind closed doors? According to a Durex survey in 2005 "The Chileans are the nationality who feel the strongest in terms of sex education for developing countries (62%)." And in a piece called, "How Hot is Your Bedroom?" Chile was sizzling! Sexbolt Saturday Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Kind Words and Relationships

Rita Watson — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 05:40:09 +0000

It was Plato who once said: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. "
I received this note the other day from one of my sisters, Deborah, who sent it on my birthday. I can understand why. I'm Italian and if it is in my head, it is on my lips, or in this blog. While many of us know the saying, we often forget that the first line originated with a philosopher who lived sometime in the 400 BC era!

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Leave the rest to God.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. . . .

Life is about learning to dance in the rain.

What has this to do with relationships? Everything. As such, here is a piece I wrote sometime ago and it is still one of my favorites: Words that harm, words that heal Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

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What Kind of Man Should You Marry or Avoid?

Rita Watson — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 04:01:27 +0000
Interestingly, New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd did a piece about finding the ideal man -- with the advice of a Catholic missionary priest! In this day of high profile and messy celebrity divorces, she presented the opinions of a man, who, for starters, cautioned against men who:

Have no friends

Can be stepped on

Are tied to their mother's apron strings

For more, here is a link to the column: An Ideal Husband This is serious reading and so for a bit of fun, take the Cosmopolitan quiz to see if your man if more interested in your body than in YOU! Cosmo Quiz And if you are really looking for a husband, whether you are a kitten or a cougar, start out with honesty. I know, I am an honesty maven for two reasons -- honesty is a good foundation for any relationship and as a woman closer to cougar age than kittens, I simply couldn't remember a lie! Far too complicated. Happy partnering. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Which Man, Which Woman? Listen for Love

Rita Watson — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 04:01:43 +0000
When you meet someone new and are walking in the clouds, good friends bring you back to the reality of "Who is he?" or "Who is she?" You might sit and talk and even make a pros and cons checklist. And if you are a list maker -- let's not forget the weighted average. He or she may be a 10 however, there may be one trait that screams, "walk away." Are you willing to listen to friends and to your heart? When you are listening to music, oftentimes it is in the context of background music -- in the house, the car. At a concert, however, you become absorbed in the music. If you meditate, you become absorbed in the silence. Absorbed with love:  Try taking some quiet time to listen for love. We often need to make a change in our lives in order to give ourselves permission to love, and to clear our heads so that we can hear – love. What does love sound like? It is a still small voice in our heart that comes with contentment, and a feeling that you know is just right. When that happens you may have to take a chance on love. Just one word of caution -- are you someone who always goes back to what you know? And if what you know is diaster, then maybe while your head is in the clouds, you should walk away. However, if you are just afraid to go forward with a new and different love -- a person who really loves you and isn't coming with too much baggage or hidden agendas -- then a friend will help you move forward with a feeling of joy. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

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Clearing the Path for Love

Rita Watson — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 04:01:24 +0000
Ok, you are head over heels. Now what? Do you proceed cautiously or do you dare to do something out of character? First clear the path for new love. Here is how.

Let go of worn out friendships and relationships -- the downers.

Break old patterns that really hinder your happiness -- overscheduling, overwork.

Make a change – change something – your hair, your furniture, the way your office is set up. Do something so you can see yourself differently.

Take yourself yourself less seriously.

Be more forgiving or yourself.

Be more forgiving of others without losing your sense of self or your values.

Now what? Then tell a friend whose opinions you value about your new love and about the doubts. Or if you are trying to decide between one of two people, a friend can help. Just make sure the friend is a cheerleader who will help you move forward even while pointing out the red flags. \ However, if you are listening for love — and clearing the path in your heart of hearts you will know the truth. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Relationships Keep You Feeling Young and Healthy

Rita Watson — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 04:34:32 +0000
The report by Terri Coles from Reuters, Toronto says, " Dan Buettner hasn't discovered the fountain of youth, but he has some pretty good clues on living a longer, healthier life..." It seems that he has been studying areas of the world that he calls "blue zones" and it is in these "areas of the world where longevity and health go hand in hand." What did he discover?   People are living longer and healther lives by, "making low-intensity physical activity part of one's daily routine, building good relationships with friends and family, eating a diet lighter on meat and excess calories and heavier on plants, and finding a purpose for and sense of meaning in your life. " And it certainly helps to find someone to love! Long life! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

How to Scare Away a Man

Rita Watson — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 05:17:41 +0000
There is a saying, "I have often had to apologize for my words, but never for my silence." When it comes to talking about your ex, it is best to say nothing rather than trash talk him.I have said often in my postings, "Watch your words, and don't play the abuse card looking for sympathy as a way to reel in a guy.: Everyone in your life is someone whom you chose to be with for a reason. If it didn't work out, be grateful that you are out of that relationship and moving on. Men like women who are upbeat and positive. And in fact, try to find one good thing about your ex and even you will feel better about yourself. When you are negative, you invite negativity into your life.  Looking on the bright side will help you keep yourself open to new opportunities and possibilities. And when you meet someone new, let your best spirit, your happiest personality captivate him. Six don'ts when dating Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Sexy people, sexy voices

Rita Watson — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 04:01:22 +0000
If you've got a sexy voice you probably look pretty good as well.  If you are in the mating-dating game will want to read this new research report. While many of us judge a book by its cover -- and determine attraction through looks -- voice plays a major role in determining one's mate. The research suggests that " what we hear in a person can greatly affect what we see in them," Greg Soltis reported today in LiveScience. Sexy People Sound Better Interestingly, a report from Canada several years ago indicated that men with deep voices have more children then men with higher pitched voices. Findings from McMaster University in Canada "have shown that women are more attracted to men with deeper voices, judging them to be older, healthier and more masculine than their higher-pitched rivals." It seems that men choose women with higher pitched voices because they sense in them traits ranging from feminine and subordinate to healthy and younger. Deep Voices We once believed that beauty was in the eye of the beholder. Can it be that love at first sight is really love at first sound? Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Online Dating -- Another Saga

Rita Watson — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 04:01:18 +0000
I keep hearing about women who marry men they meet online. And I have more 'man of the month' club ads in my mailbox than I do the shoe catalogues. And yet... Dating a stranger? For me, I always liked knowing family, friends, social settings, clubs -- oh, yes, a private club is a hotbed of gossip -- you can learn just about anything about anyone, whether or not it is true. So, I don't have much advice for online daters, however, here is a saga that perhaps would have ended if she bought the book, "He's just not that into you!" An online dating story Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Married, Cheating, and Divorcing Fake Wife

Rita Watson — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 02:48:31 +0000
It seems I could start an entire website called "Infidelity without end." In the newest twist on married but cheating came this story from Reuters. It seems that a gentleman went to court to divorce his wife, but used a "stand-in" instead. The unsuspecting wife was none too happy. Fake Wife While in my "neutral but opinioned" world, you know that I believe adultery, infidelity, whatever you wish to call it, should not be taken so lightly. Yet, in England, there are some who believe that adultery can save your marriage as reported in the Guardian in the UK. Adultery, the Guardian But the same publication also said, "Whoa" in a report that the British may have this one all wrong. Brits may be wrong Despite my opinionated ways, I do believe that Mira Kirshenbaum may have done a service to many couples with her new book: "When Good People Have Affairs." Amazon book And so, you be the judge. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Why People Cheat in Relationships

Rita Watson — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 04:01:57 +0000
Much as we give lip service to fidelity and happily ever after, men and women in relationships, it seems, cheat on their spouses or significant others. Why? Men who cheat: New York magazine, in May 18, 2008, had just done a spread on "The Affairs of Men" by Phillip Weiss. A key question was whether or not monogamy is outdated. "There is no more unnatural principle of social organization than sexual exclusivity."  But the author points out, ‘like other of my male sources, he didn't want me to use his name.' "Don't get me divorced!" was the refrain. What about women who cheat? The author points out, "Society is far more judgmental about women who cheat than men; just read Anna Karenina." And Dr. Ruth confirms this is my Married, but Cheating op-ed for The Providence Journal (see relationship columns.) Weiss adds, "Consider the Website meet2cheat, in which married people find one another for recreational sex; it charges $59 for a man's three-month entry fee, $9 for a woman. Cheating wives are harder to come by."   Why people cheat: Rhonda Fine, PhD, a clinical sexologist and diplomate of The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists says, "There are a variety of reasons why people cheat, and it's not always about the sex. People cheat because they're selfish, immature or narcissistic. Or they're excitement junkies and attracted to the drama. They put their needs ahead of others and rarely blame themselves why they cheated in the first place." To find out more go to Cheating Facts and Myths on AOL The madonna and prostitute: The article is good and interesting reading. But I think my hairdresser has the answer to keep men from straying. "All men secretly desire a Madonna to the world and a sex siren in the bedroom. They want variety. And if we want to keep them from straying, we should play whatever role suits their fancy."   The Affairs of Men Why do people cheat? As I looked back on years of research, and forgive me for a quick general statement - women cheat because they are lonely and men cheat for the thrill, the desire to feel rejuvenated. Straight, gay, or insecure? But most often it is because they are not comfortable in their own skin (sometimes because inside their own skin they are stuggling with issues of straight or gay) and need outside affirmation - and communication stops and intimacy turns cold. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

New Rules, New Look at Open Marriage

Rita Watson — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 14:41:34 +0000
Sunday July 6, 2008, adapted from Providence Journal IN A YEAR when "Virginity Rules" became an abstinence movement motto, the pendulum swings to new rules for an open marriage. With recent statistics from 13 countries showing that marriage is down while living together is up - and monogamy being challenged by polyamory - will the words "for better or worse, until death do us part" become obsolete? Polyamory means sharing more than one intimate partner at the same time. Unlike the ménage à trois or Updikean wife-swapping, polyamory is characterized by multiple-relationship arrangements with the consent of all partners and defined by specific boundaries. Couples have been choosing alternative arrangements for years - look at Eleanor and Franklin D. Roosevelt (and his mistresses), Nelson Rockefeller and his mistresses, and the open relationship between John Lennon and Yoko Ono. In the 1800s, the married Amherst College treasurer, Austin Dickinson, spent 13 years involved with a young professor's wife. Mabel Loomis Todd, who documented their relationship, declared that she could love two men at the same time. Poet Emily Dickinson helped her brother and Mabel sustain the affair. One man loving three wives at the same time was depicted in Big Love, an HBO tale glamorizing polygamy. Since I do not own a television, I missed it and had to wait to read about marriage alternatives in two new books that are shedding light on sexual-preference-packages. Written or unwritten rules that include mutual respect, agreements, and even contracts between various partners appear to set apart today's open marriages from the swinging '60s. Tristan Taormino, in Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, describes a variety of arrangements, ranging from monogamy with benefits to triads and solo polyamory. The book comes with an extensive resource list by state and country. Taormino says her goal is "to empower people to let go of societal expectations of what relationships should look like and create customized relationships that meet their needs and desires." Jenny Block's Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage is a memoir. She wrote me and said, "I do think that polyamory might well work for many people. That's not to say that I have any problem with monogamy. I think it is great when a couple is actually practicing it and not just giving lip-service to the concept." Escalating marital infidelity and divorce rates may be contributing to the rise in cohabitation. A young couple from Portland, Ore., expressed a growing sentiment. Amanda Thibodeau said: "Marriage is a government and legal institution, and we have lost faith in both. Why do I need these institutions telling me that my relationship is official?" Of their relationship Scott Beck added: "We are working on being good partners for each other, like other couples who are married or not, gay or straight, young and old." Ironically in an era when many are giving a "thumbs down" to marriage, gay couples are still lobbying for the right to marry. What message do marriage alternatives give to young people? In the absence of role models, we are spending taxpayer dollars for abstinence programs that congressional-funded research shows are failing. Why not spend money on family-focused education that includes conflict resolution, financial management, sexual responsibility and child care? We might even consider courses that talk about intimacy and love as a choice rather than wild infatuation. Does marriage even have a future? As an incurable romantic, I am ever hopeful. But I paused at a recent New Yorker cartoon by Michael Crawford. A middle-aged couple in the formal "just married" attire of tux and tulle are sitting in the back of a limousine. The caption reads: "It didn't have to end like this." Rita Watson is a monthly contributor and daily blogger at www.ritawatson.com who writes about relationships. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Marriage and Money in the News

Rita Watson — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 04:01:20 +0000
Money and marriage are back in the news. A new article in Reuters says that what happens with money at the beginning of marriage might well affect the outcome. The article by writer Linda Stern presents an interview with a seven point suggestions on how to manage money. Personal Finance In my column for the Providence Journal I pointed that in the 2008 "Love and Money" survey of 1,049 people -- over 73 percent of women viewed financial know-how as a more important factor in choosing a potential partner than attractiveness. Money Management International (MMI), the largest nonprofit credit counseling agency in the United States, conducted the survey. "Money doesn't care who owns it," was a favorite saying of our Aunti Mame. She lived lavishly even during what she called "modest times." Once we left the nest, we realized that Aunti was right. Money does not assure good taste or good manners. It does, however, provide comfort and sometimes freedom from stress. Nonetheless even in cushy two-income households money and sex (or lack thereof) are the top reasons for divorce. It seems that more sex buys more happiness than money can buy. What do the experts suggest? Here are their thoughts in Money, Marriage, Sex and Secrets Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Divorce Hurts Taxpayers as Well

Rita Watson — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 03:35:15 +0000
Divorce is rarely a win-win. Not only does it hurt adults, but it hurts children as well. And surprisingly, we learned not too long ago that divorce hurts taxpayers. With this startling news, perhaps more attention will be paid to strengthening marriages. The situation and problems inherent with divorce have been studied recently by a Georgia State University economist who is part of "the marriage movement." They are suggesting that states do more to help strengthen and promote the concept of marriage as we have said in many of our posts. New Report     Perhaps it is time to rethink the value of togetherness and show children two people giving to each other unselfishly for the sake of unity and love. Marriage Education   We like the concept of Divorce Busting! It is important to watch our words, which often become irreconcilable differences. Perhaps if more couples watched their words, or listened to the tone of their voices - a greater respect for each other might develop into supportive words, forgiving words, or no words at all.  I am not talking about the silent treatment, but rather the magic in a silent smile, a loving look into another's eyes, a gentle touch Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Sex on Your Mind?

Rita Watson — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 04:01:16 +0000
It seems that from diary notes to the real thing, sex in on people's minds from The Economist, an international magazine of politics and world affairs to Self and Cosmopolitan. In an attempt to catch up on gossip at the hair dresser instead of reading women's magazines -- I've subscribed to so many that when you walk into my home -- my entryway has three magazine racks! You know the ones that display magazines as in a physician's office. So has it helped me keep up on my reading? In view of the fact that I spotted the Sex Diary in a March issue, I guess not.   "Sex Diary" was apparently inspired by last year's Durex survey of sexual satisfaction. The chart here is from The Economist and, as the article points out, "sex is a risky business." It seems that those in rich countries take more chances and are at higher risk for sexually transmitted diseases.  Sex by Country While some reports say that on average, people have sex 1.6 times a week, Self was inspired to ask women to keep sex diaries. But alas I was not able to access it online for all of you. So instead I went to Cosmopolitan and found Ten Sizzling Tips. But I do want to emphasize the serious risk with unprotected sex. Take a look at posts here on STDs, look at the numbers in Economist, and you will really want to take protection seriously. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The Advice Question

Rita Watson — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 03:37:05 +0000
We all seek advice — whether about a new love, a financial decision, medical decision, a job, day-care, or children. But when should we listen? Sometimes it makes more sense to make your own decision and then ask others to confirm your thoughts. But if you do wish other opinions, whom should you ask? DO ASK friends, neighbors, and business associates.

Friends you admire who seem to make good decisions

Associates from a business group, your church, arts council, or political group

Friends who have experience making decisions similar to the one you are now facing

DONT’ ASK or ACCEPT advice from Know it alls
Those whose attitude is “my way or the highway”

Those who put you on a spot, for example, you ask about a lawyer and they go right to the phone, dial a number and say, “Here, talk to my friend, he is the best.”

Those whose mind is already made up.

Keep in mind: You want objectivity. You want different points of view. You want information to help you make an informed decision.
It is good to gather facts. But in the final analysis, it is oftentimes best to weigh your options in the quiet of your heart of hearts. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Infidelity, Once Again

Rita Watson — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 16:13:54 +0000
Say it isn’t so -- Matthew Broderick cheating on his wife, Sara Jessica Parker of Sex in the City fame, with a 25 year old. Once again, infidelity is in the news and it isn't just Sara, it appears that A-Rod and Madonna are making the rounds again. Is there really a video? Is it possible we are becoming a society that is turning marriage into a mockery? The photos are all over the Internet and so is the gossip. As such I am simply going to repeat what I said in my July column for the Providence Journal. What kind of role models exist for our children? Politicans, movie stars, sports heroes — the parade of infidelity is endless. When are going to step back and take a good look at the "Cheating" headlines in front of us and wonder about the children growing up to be the next generation? To read more of what I have to say about "Infidelity" and "Cheating" take a look at the CATAGORIES index to your right. There are too many links to list here. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The True Love Quiz

Rita Watson — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 03:18:55 +0000
It's not about Harrison Ford and Ally McBeal or Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, but rather ageless love. I was writing my next Providence Journal column and decided to include in it a questions asked of me about older men dating younger women and vice versa. I think older women who date younger men are confident and not afraid to be both nurturing and sexy at the same time. Whereas men who date younger women often do so because they are afraid of getting old. They somehow feel that the younger woman will help them to feel young again. Was this the case with Harrison Ford and Ally McBeal? And was this Sir Paul McCartney's mistake? One friend told me that oftentimes younger women "are looking for a meal ticket." That may have been true at one time, but Internet dating sites are reporting that younger women are more reluctant to date older men these days. Only about 25% of women are looking to date men 10 years older. Chicks-Dig-Younger looking-Men Whereas the BBC reports an increase in marriages between younger men and older women. So perhaps love and romance is really about values and qualities that you respect in another. I can't stress values often enough. Read the postings under "Lies" to the right under Categories.   However to find out your compatibility regardless of age, take this quiz.  Ageless Love Quiz. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Jilted Woman Gets $150,000

Rita Watson — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 23:01:26 +0000
There are two sides to every story, but apparently the jury believed the jilted woman in debt. We often talk about honesty in relationships. And talking about money is key especially since sex and money are the two deal breakers in relationships. Apparently her financee is said to have gotten cold feet because of her debt. Here is a link to my colums, you will want to read Money, Marriage, Sex and Secrets at Relationship columns. As for the story of the jury award to the Jilted Bride -- here is the Today Show interview. And yes, she is keeping and selling the ring. The bloggers are falling behind the man on this one. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Male Brothels for Women Only

Rita Watson — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 04:01:42 +0000
The UK is on top of the story: the former Hollywood Madam wants to open a male brothel for women only.  Fantasies run wild. The Stud Farm: Heidi Fleiss is a former Hollywood madam known for her high-priced services and clientele. She took a fall, did some time, but is an endless adventuress. Her latest endeavor is an attempt to create a male brothel in Nevada called Heidi's Stud Farm. It will cater only to women. The documentary apparently aired this week on HBO.  I still don't have a TV, but for those who do, and who are interested -- it was slated for July 21st. A Variety of Men: While the concept is interesting, I just love the commentary from Cassandra by Ariel Leve in the UK's TIMESonline. She seems to know our thoughts on every man anyone of us has ever dealt with. So what will a brothel need?  Father figures. Vaporous men who disappear. Wokers with whom one would never have sex in the real world. But what I like best -- she gets at the heart of women's needs -- the phone call in the morning. And says that should be included in the price. Read for yourselves. All Male Brothel Mayflower Madam: Madam's sometimes do very well in our society. Remember Sydney Biddle Barrows, dubbed the Mayflower Madam because of her ancestry? She was from the upper-class Biddles of Philadelphia. And although her escort service was exposed, her book helped her gain notoriety world-wide. The DC Madam: But for 52-year-old Deborah Jeane Palfrey, who was convicted of running a high price service catering to Washinton's elite, her story ends sadly. The bloggers, however, are wondering if she was "hushed." Sen. David Vitter, a Louisiana Republican was one of her clients.  Read the comments -- and see what you think in this report from The Sleuth at the WashingtonPost.com, Mary Ann Akers:  DC Madam      Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

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Women, Stress, and Arousal

Rita Watson — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 01:00:27 +0000
Are we surprised? Women stressed about sex may not be as easily aroused. In a publication in this month's Journal of Sexual Medicine, "Cortisol, Sexual Arousal, and Affect in Response to Sexual Stimuli" researchers from the University of Vermont and the University of Texas reported on a study in which women were shown erotic films to determine arousal levels. Those with increased levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) may have less interest in sex. The researchers noted that "Stress related to sexual performance may interfere with sexual arousal."   Hmm. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

A Model Husband: Randy Pausch

Rita Watson — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 04:01:06 +0000
He sang to his wife. He left a legacy to his children.   He inspired us all. Here is the video of The Last Lecture. http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/LastLecture/ For the entire lecture series, go to April 6th Blog post.    The TIMES obituary.

Save that Marriage

Rita Watson — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 04:01:50 +0000
The most potent way to stop divorce is a change of attitude. And it is possible to make it happen. For couples with failing marriages, Just a few quick suggestions. I know it may be hard to hear this especially after I had a long talk with a mother last night watching her son and daughter-in-law go through such pain and sadness with their 10 year olds. But think about this. Are you willing to accept this challenge?

Take time to see the man or woman you married as the love of your life.

Pull out those wedding photos.

Start laughing again at each other's jokes.

Read "Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7 Step Plan for Saving Your Marriage" by Michele Weiner-Davis.

Find the Boston Legal episode depicting a married couple who meet each other on the Internet under assumed identities and fall in love again.

Your visualization challenge. Think about the man you married and what you loved most about him. Think about the way you treated him when he was that person. Now see him as you wish him to be. And act accordingly. If you wait for a grump to come home each night, he will.   If you expect a man to cheat, he will. If you anticipate an argument, it will happen. But if you see your lover waking in the door, and treat him accordingly, you might be surprised! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

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Open Marriage vs True Love?

Rita Watson — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 05:01:21 +0000
              Does open marriage negate true love? IN A YEAR when “Virginity Rules” became an abstinence movement motto, the pendulum swings to new rules for an open marriage. With recent statistics from 13 countries showing that marriage is down while living together is up — and monogamy being challenged by polyamory — will the words “for better or worse, until death do us part” become obsolete?   This column ran in the Providence Journal. My thanks to Jenny Block and Tristan Taormino for the interviews. An interesting question was asked by Cindy, hair stylist at Kareez in Providence, RI, with Kim and Joe -- "If you are looking outside of your marriage, are you happy in your marriage?" Which couple are you? The one headed for polyamorous relationships or one the couple content to find passion within your marriage? Here is the full column: New Rules for Open Marriage Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Another Cougar Wedding

Rita Watson — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 04:01:15 +0000
Another Cougar Club wedding is slated for Hollywood. Why are younger men marrying older women? The Happy Couple Sex in the City’s Samantha, with her penchant for younger men, is credited with turning the pejorative image of “Mrs. Robinson” into a Cougar. Samantha is a business woman who seduces through her ability to think like a man sexually, and network like a man from the “old boy’s club” socially. Defined as “older women involved with younger men,” it seems that Cougars are becoming a trend — The Bachelor Show, Amazing Grace, and a cover of The New Yorker! Many young men who date older women tell me they do so because:

The women are more established.

They have a stronger libido than young working women or those in their 40’s looking at menopause.

They are nurturing. Whereas today’s working women are too demanding and too career driven.

They are independent and will dash off to a mini-holiday even if at the motel down the street!

The BBC Relationships section warns younger women about making time for intimacy. For another fun Cougar piece go to: Her Mother is a Cougar and She's Hot for ME Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Seven Relationship Secrets

Rita Watson — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 04:01:47 +0000
I was at my favorite bistro tonight and had a talk with an Italian gentleman who has been married for 33 years. The secret? It seems that his secret is being Italian. "I believe in devotion and family. My wife and I were raised with old school values. If we were Americans we would have said 'Arriverdici' at least 100 times throughout the years. And what helps us through is love. People say 'sex' but anyone can have sex anytime. It is love that lasts." What does an expert say? According to relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall, every relationship needs a solid foundation if it's to survive all life can throw at it.   And here from BBC we present the seven essentials. But please click the link to better understand why Paula selected these seven essentials.

Love yourself

Like your partner

Make quality time

Communicate

Argue well

Touch every day

Accept change

To read more, please go to: Success Secrets Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

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Camaraderie, Cigars, and a Good Relationship

Rita Watson — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 04:00:24 +0000
Another cigar night, this time with men at a new Cigar Masters. What is it that I learned? It never quite occurred to me that men enjoy this ritual as they might fishing and hunting. "We talk, but maybe we sit here for 15 minutes before one of us says anything," said a professor. "Women can't do that. They need to be talking and interacting. Here we have a bond." This quiet friendship reminded me of a recent column that I posted by Maureen Dowd that says, "Never marry a man without friends. He doesn't know how to be intimate."   A newlywed said he liked the company because, "Sometimes a man just needs to chill with a remote." Others pointed out that most women would be saying, "Is something wrong?" or "Did you have a bad day?" The Ritual: A gentleman married for 17 years appreciates the ritual. "There is the choosing. The unwrapping. The cutting. The lighting up. The puffing. The flavor -- all cigars have a different flavor. It is a quiet ritual, but it brings us together. I think women don't understand camaraderie. My wife and I do." Respecting emotional space: Perhaps in a marital camaraderie two people learn to respect each other's emotional space with as much reverence as one might respect physical space. I often believed that for a man and woman to co-exist, it was important to have a room of one's own -- to write, to think, to be.  But after cigar night, I am rethinking the concept of separate but together for laughter, for passion, and moments of silent independence. Passionate independence: This week's New Yorker reviews a new book about Emily Dickinson.  The Homestead is described as a place "where each member runs his or her own selves."   Can it be that a good cigar is what it takes for couples to understand intimate independence where eventually something sensual occurs? And yes, I am still opposed to separate beds and separate his and her bedrooms. Cigar Masters: I am fascinated by cigar emporiums and will be writing about thoughts from the gracious Jeremy Soares and team at Cigar Masters Providence at the Westin. And yes, in the spirit of full disclosure -- I joined as the first female Master Member. To read more please go to Cigar night out (which started in honor of the last show of the Boston Legal season) and Cigar smoke: Men, women, and truth. In fact, it was one of the cigar-smoking women who discovered the new Cigar Masters while taking a walk. Watch for my column in the Providence Journal this Sunday: DNA and Desire on the editorial pages. Projo Relationship Columns Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

More Cuddle Parties

Rita Watson — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 04:01:51 +0000
One of the keys to a successful relationship is to touch every day. For some that is difficult to do.  A cuddle party might help. Cuddle parties with strict rules are springing up nation-wide. They are basically adult pajama parties with trained facilitators and strictly for hugging. It helps people to touch and to say "no" to a touch. Here we have a TV video that shows a cuddle party in New York. Why the need? Stress is unhealthy for your moods and your heart. While there is some good stress related to workplace highs, in general physical symptoms and emotional symptoms of stress can be devastating. Stress is not necessarily a negative force. Sometimes a deadline or major project gets the adrenaline going. That’s the good stress. But when there is no let up, the body becomes overwhelmed and this results in physical symptoms that might include migraines, hives, stomach upsets, muscle  spasms, chronic fatigue and even heart attacks. There are three ways to deal with stress that can be helpful. Change the situation — If your workplace is overly competitive, see about setting ground rules. If no one is willing to cooperate, then ask for a transfer or consider finding a new job. (If there is tension at home, face it and fix it.) Change the response — Sometimes when stressed we eat. Sometimes we spend money. Sometimes we take it out on those we love. Change the response by defining the problem, outlining a plan, exploring alternatives, and defining a solution. (This works at home or in the workplace.) Get pysical: Exercise, loving, or cuddling. We all know the benefits of exercise, but did you know that sex is a great stress-reducer? Loving: And to those who say, "How can we have sex if we are stressed and fighting?  I don't believe in 'make-up' sex." My answer is simple: Skip the fight and just have the sex. Cuddling: If it is cuddles you wish to learn about, here is a website. Cuddle Up Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Hit the Breaks Before a Break-up

Rita Watson — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 03:08:21 +0000
Oftentimes red-flags get waved away. But I am a firm believer that "red flags" can be a useful sign if we acknowledge them.   So just to confuse lovers it seems that red flags fall into two categories. Both mean danger but in some cases you can step back, look from a new perspective, and move on together -- as in the following examples: Many couples tell me that the new "Rules" say no make up sex. What is my thinking on this one? Don't fight, just have sex. But on a serious note, it is possible to see two sides of an issue. Instead of arguing, negotiate. On a regular basis go out on a date with your spouse or significant other -- alone -- and pretend it's a first date all over again -- and talk about dealbreakers instead of the usual "getting to know you."  Then look to see how close each of you are coming to drawing that line in the sand. Back up a bit. Instead of focusing on "break-up" think about ways to mend the tear in the relationship. Here is some advice from Dr. Laura Berman regarding red flags and cures Red Flags and Relationship Healers For women: Another type of red   For Men Common Mistakes (It's late. I'm tried. And by morning, I will probably amend this!) Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Cougar Reality Show

Rita Watson — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 12:33:40 +0000
Hot off the press -- Page Six tells us that a new older woman, younger man reality show is in the making. There is a casting call going on right now. And the show is about "empowerment." Here is the link from PAGE SIX . As you know, I love writing about Cougars and you can find lots of links by searching on these pages. Tomorrow we will be posting the Providence Journal Sunday feature, DNA and Desire, with Samantha, our favorite Cougar, cast in a very serious light. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Lies He Tells, Lies She Tells

Rita Watson — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 04:02:53 +0000
Who tells more believable lies -- men or women?   Magazines and blogs say the women tell a better story, but men lie more often. Women often say they are not really lying, they are simply telling a complicated form of the truth -- or they tell the truth in such a complicated way that a man gets confused and gives up trying to get at the truth.    What do women try to hide? First and foremost women lie to themselves about love. They oftentimes convince themselves they are in love because they are afraid "not to be" in love. However, when lying to a man, according to most websites the top three variations of truth include:

Number of past lovers — (It slips her mind because some were just casual affairs not serious relationships.)

Being pregnant  – (Says she didn’t realize it because she didn’t have any of the usual symptoms.)

Having a sexually transmitted disease  – (Claims she didn’t think that her STD was contagious because she hasn’t had an outbreak in years, or it happened so long ago that she just forgot about it.

What do men try to hide? Basically the fact that they are cheating or that they are simply not really invested in the relationship. But men will also be dishonest about a gambling habit or some other addiction. (Brad Pitt in The Cleaner. Provocative scene when he is confronted about his lying.) How can you you when tell a man is lying? Oftentimes, he isn't very good at it. However sometimes men tell little white lies as depicted here in an article by Dr. Joyce Brothers. White lies. How can a man tell when a woman is lying? She gets mad at you for accusing her – pouts, throws a tantrum, witholds sex, or refuses to speak with you – even though you may be right and she may be guilty.   Or she becomes overly affectionate.   Lies Women Tell In HER defense and in HIS defense: It is really about communicating with each other. Oftentimes couples do not communicate well because one or the other explodes and the other person is afraid to tell the truth. Or one person walks rather than talks. Take a look at your communication style. Gay or straight -- the truth is the truth: I was told the following by two gay men who have been together for three years. But it has surfaced in heterosexual couples as well in terms of unfaithful and jealous. The person pointing the finger and accusing, "You are cheating on me, aren't you?" is oftentimes the person doing the cheating. The person who claims to be jealous if you look at another man or woman, is often the person doing the looking. This couple meet while exchanging stories of partner's accusing them! They are happily together and continue to be monogamous. And if you think you are too smart or above being trapped in buying a lie, I'll remind you all about Anne Hathaway. Seems that her man Raffaello Follieri, 30, has been arrested for alledgedly swindling millions. According to PEOPLE magazine, “She was completely blinded on this one.”from People magazine What should you do if you suspect you are being lied to? Instead of buying a story, confront without being confrontational. And talk to friends! This is one time you should not be relying on your own judgement. If your friends think you are being duped even after what you think is a plausible story — you probably are living in LaLa Land.    In my little world -- shades of gray are not very appealing. I like black and white... the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

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Paul McCartney, Laughter, Loving

Rita Watson — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 04:35:33 +0000
What are my favorite blog posts?  You'll see a link to a side-splitting laugh from a TV newscast, Sir Paul, and Italian love. The link to: Newscaster Who Can’t Stop Laughing! Treat yourself to this video. Here is the piece about Yale graduation with Sir Paul and Dr. Ruth. And yes, I cried during, "Hey Jude." Finally, Loving Italian Secrets that do not involve pasta, pastry, or my Grandmother's secret recipe for tiramisu -- an exquisite delicacy made while the expresso is brewing. My newest op-ed DNA and Desire in the Relationship Columns. What are your favorite blog posts? The most viewed: cigar nights, infidelity, and lying. But for today, just focus on loving and laughter. And perhaps read the comments under RSS feeds to the right. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Love, Just LOVE

Rita Watson — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 04:01:42 +0000
"What love we have given, we will have forever. What love we fail to give, is lost for eternity." (Leo Buscaglia). I had just come across the above quote as I looked through the news and it was filled with infidelity and divorce -- from the entertainment world, to politics, and sports -- I thought it was time to just think about a simple statement of love from the man whose book was titled, LOVE. More about love Why We Fall in Love and Make Up Sex and Loving Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Hillary and Barack Disco Dance Video

Rita Watson — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 04:09:00 +0000
Hillary and Barack are back in the news together. We know that politicians make strange bedfellows. Yet just this past January I was looking for an article in which it is suggested that the Clinton team approach the Obama team and say, “Let’s make a deal. You drop out of the race and we make you the VP. Within eight years, you will have the experience and the backing to be our next president.” Surprise. Surprise. Today, groups prepare for 18 million marchers to give voice to those who voted for Hillary. And in this upside down world, it is now Hillary who waits in the wings to see if she will be the VP. Couples should take note of politicians. Instead of going off to their rooms and slamming doors, or filing for divorce, they find a way to become bedfellows or in this case -- dance partners. It is fun music and a good laugh. Hillary and Obama Disco Dance Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Of DNA and Desire

Rita Watson — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 04:01:54 +0000
Will heart flutter romance be replaced by DNA dating and brain wave sex? Here is my op-ed from last Sunday's Providence Journal. Could this be happening to us? Here is the link: Of DNA and Desire. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Lying Lovers and Moving On

Rita Watson — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 04:01:38 +0000
Anne Hathaway is talking about her experience with a lying lover whom she left just before he was jailed. How does one move on? Anne is handling the incident with a sense of humor. In general, it is very difficult.  Here is how the TACT Strategies® can help. Take a minute: Think about the inconsistencies in his or her stories. Are there reasonable explanations or is there always an excuse? Assess the situation: Do you suspect that you are being told a white lie or a serious lie? If it deliberate withholding of information or convenient cover-up "I didn't know" and your health has been jeopardized, moving on is a simple, "So long, see you." Consider the alternatives: Ok, you find that you have been lied to, then think about why. The alternative is moving on emotionally or physically. If you decide to stay with someone who has been lying, just remember there will be consequences for you, your family, your career. Take a stand: Do it. Make the break. If you are with someone who manipulates words in order to manipulate the relationship -- it's up to you to say, "Enough." However, if you really love the person even though friends are warning you -- set up ground rules. But first ask yourself if you are trapped in a pattern and it is more comfortable living with the manipulation than leaving and starting fresh?   Here is Anne Hathaway's story: Hoping for Love (The last Cigar story has links to "Liar, Liar." Too many stories are surfacing these days about lovers and lying. Sad story in the news this week-end is the Jon Edwards affair. NY Times Reports Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Cheating and Forgiveness: John Edwards, Elizabeth, and Sam

Rita Watson — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 19:00:10 +0000
After writing that Sex in the City's Samantha encouraged her lover to cheat while she had chemo, news of John Edwards cheating on Elizabeth surfaces. The B called me on that one in his comment yesterday regarding my article DNA and Desire in the Providence Journal.  To make a point about the devastating effects of chemotherapy -- and loss of libido -- I said that my favorite Cougar, Samantha from Sex in the City, encourged her young lover to have sex with another woman while he was on one of his musical tours. She essentially gave him cheating priviledges because she did not have the energy or the drive. Somehow, knowing that John Edwards was cheating on Elizabeth -- who has been such a powerful and loving figure in his life -- puts a real face on a poignant problem. CBS News wondered: Did Elizabeth's illness trigger his straying? Jon and Elizabeth Cheating and forgiveness -- an incredible testimony to their love and faith.  I can appreciate her wishes for privacy. Yet, the question surfaces, as a presidential candidate, did the voters deserve full disclosure and did the press help protect him? Washington Post. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Make Up Sex and Loving

Rita Watson — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 22:13:51 +0000
Maybe I sound flip when I say, "If you don't believe in make-up sex, then don't fight." There are several perspectives on this. There is a way to fight constructively rather than allowing pent up anger to turn into a volcano or the silent treatment. When two people do fight it oftentimes shows that they are invested in the relationship and want to jump over the hurdles to find happiness. However if your style of fighting is something you'll recognize in this Cosmo article, then you are probably going to find yourself angry, frustrated, and alone at the end of the day instead of loving, hugging, or having sex. A few quick notes from the article:

Never send angry emails these really put a damper on loving.

Don't keep repeating yourself. Also, there is good research that shows that the words"How many times have I told you?" simply do not work.)

Never let one incident turn into tumbleweed -- it will put a major damper on loving and sex.

DO STAY CALM AND FOCUSED and let your partner know that you really do want to resolve the issues at hand. Remember your goal is loving and fostering a healthy relationship. Here is a link to the Cosmopolitan article: "How to Emerge From A Fight More in Love" -- Cosmopolitan Another point of view -- Just because I like to say, "Make love not war" you may agree with the following article, "Make up Sex Rocks." But be careful that it doesn't become a bad habit. Savvy Miss . A word of caution -- there are some provocative stories on the site itself, yet you will also find some happy day advice. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

A Man's Point of View: Why Men Like John Edwards Cheat

Rita Watson — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 04:01:13 +0000
An article in the Jerusalem Post puts in perspective the John Edwards affair -- with an eye towards values and our children. I can and will point you to a series of links on why men cheat. But this is a thoughtful article by Shmuley Boteach, author of The Broken American Male and How to Fix Him . Why is it different than most? Because of his conclusion. He says, " But perhaps an even more important lesson to the convey to our children is that what will truly make them special in life is not becoming president but being committed and loving family members who always put each other first." from The Jerusalem Post. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Why Men Cheat

Rita Watson — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 05:03:42 +0000
Men and women may cheat because they are angry, hurt, disenchanted, or feeling unloved. Here are reasons that men cheat. Kevin Haynes for LifeScript gives six reasons: Her looks changed. She's become a ball buster. He wants thrills. He has the wanderlust. It's the monogamy problem. It's just about sex. Six Reasons Men Cheat "The Affairs of Men" by Phillip Weiss in New York magazine asks a key question -- "Is monogamy outdated?" The article is good and interesting reading. The Affairs of Men Why people cheat: Rhonda Fine, PhD, a clinical sexologist and diplomate of The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists says, "There are a variety of reasons why people cheat, and it's not always about the sex. People cheat because they're selfish, immature or narcissistic. Or they're excitement junkies and attracted to the drama. They put their needs ahead of others and rarely blame themselves why they cheated in the first place." To find out more go to Cheating Facts and Myths on AOL Cheating may not necessarily be the end of a relationship -- it may be the wake up call. The research shows that a partner who cheats often needs companionship more than sex. WebMD: Nipping an Affair in the Bud Madonna and Sex Siren: In answer to the boredom problem, my hairdresser may have the answer to keep men from straying. "All men secretly desire a Madonna to the world and a sex siren in the bedroom. They want variety. And if we want to keep them from straying, we should play whatever role suits their fancy."   Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Mending a Marriage after Infidelity Takes Forgiveness

Rita Watson — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 04:01:03 +0000
Marriages can be saved after infidelity. Here are some links: The Mayo Clinic offers advice on what to do about infidelity and how to mend a marriage after an affair. Mayo Clinic Infidelity Advice WebMD also offers advice on repairing marriages. Marriages do survive infidelity, but it takes courage to forgive someone who violates the marriage vows. Overcoming Infidelity Mending and Forgiving:  The secret to overcoming the sting of infidelity is forgiveness. Think Love, Not Divorce In Joseph Campbell’s The Power of Myth he talked about the essence of marriage with journalist Bill Moyers some years ago. He called ”loyalty” the essence of marriage — “not cheating, not defecting — through whatever trials or suffering, you remain true.”   Bill Moyers said: “In marriage, every day you love, and every day you forgive. It is an ongoing sacrament — love and forgiveness.” Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Cheating, Chemotherapy, and Commitment

Rita Watson — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 04:01:08 +0000
The cheating privileges given by Samantha, Sex in the City, to her young lover while she was undergoing chemotherapy underscores the devastating effects of treatment. Although I wrote about it for my monthly Op-ed column for the Providence Journal, “Of DNA and Desire” I had no idea that the John and Elizabeth Edwards story would surface. Today the issue of infidelity is all the more poignant in the face of reality. Cheating: Despite the parade of infidelity scandals among politicians -- the outrage and finger-pointing with the John Edwards story is searing. Why? Because in most of the other scandals, there was always a question: Did the wives know? Was there a silent arrangement? Commitment: John and Elizabeth seemed to portray a perfect marriage. Their family survived the tragedy of their teenage son’s death with an admirable sense of faith and love. Even though he wasn’t our presidential pick, we appreciated the family man. "W" Skeletons: Perhaps it is the loss of an image that really angers us most today. We have come to expect certain tawdriness in our politicians. And with George Bush we knew that one day a movie would portray the closet filled with skeletons. The new Oliver Stone film “W” promises to rattle those bones. Cheating and truth: But John and Elizabeth were models. And we needed an icon. Are we really appalled at what he did to Elizabeth or what he did to us? What happens behind closed doors is a matter between husband and wife. But when one is a public figure running for president then it seems all bets are off. Today the media is questioning their inability to do the digging to get at the truth. But what is the truth? And what is the message? I like what Rabbi Shmuley Boteach in The Jerusalem Post a few days ago: “Why Men Like John Edwards Cheat.” He pointed out that Elizabeth believed John should continue pursuing his presidential dream despite her metastatic breast cancer. It was an example for their children to know that despite difficult battles, life goes on. Commitment to children: The Rabbi says, “But perhaps an even more important lesson to the convey to our children is that what will truly make them special in life is not becoming president but being committed and loving family members who always put each other first. As we sit and wonder and judge – I am reminded of an often-quoted phrase from my grandmother, straight from the Bible, “Let he who is not guilty cast the first stone.” (posted earlier on Talking Points Memo -- To read comments go The Politics of Sex and Commitment Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Crossing the Relationship Line: Teacher-Student Seduction

Rita Watson — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 03:01:04 +0000
What happens when students and teachers become too friendly with one another? In college we all knew the professors who "hit on" their students. And we all knew the women who would make a deal as to which one would be the first to seduce a certain professor. Grad school was hot-bed of sexual activity with students and professors closer in age. But today the social networking technology of Facebook and MySpace is creating a new world of student-teacher seductions and it is hitting the high schools. According to an article by Mallory Simon yesterday and posted on CNN.com, the rising number of inappropriate relationships between student and teachers in Missouri is resulting in a "crackdown of social networking sites." Simon tells us that "Jim Keith, an education lawyer who represents several school boards in Missouri, has been giving talks to teachers in which he explains that most of the inappropriate student-teacher relationships start out on a friendship level... ‘As an educator, there is a line of demarcation between you and your student,' Keith said. ‘It's a line that you cannot come close to, let alone step over. You've got to establish it from Day One...'" Student-Teachers CNN.com In Manipulation and Sex Cheating in Academia, I quoted a female faculty member who thinks student and professor relationships are based on manipulation and blamed the professors for crossing the relationship line thereby creating an ethical "boundry violation." A male faculty member had a different perspective: "In the workforce people work in parallel with each other despite the hierarchy of doctor and nurse, director and secretary, lawyer and assistant. "Whereas in academia we might be more vulnerable to manipulation than other professions because instead of really interacting, we are there teaching and students are drawing in not just the knowledge we are trying to share, but our style as well." He added: "I confess to thinking about crossing the line every once in a while. But my wife would tar and feather me and plunk me in the middle of the old campus." Manipulating and Sex Cheating. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The Wrong Man Choice: Blame it on "the Pill"

Rita Watson — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 03:01:47 +0000
Is "the pill" responsible for "the smart women dumb choice in men" syndrome? I have often said that we should never judge a woman by the man she marries, we all make mistakes. But now science may be absolving women chosing the wrong man. While some research tells us that women choose mates based on a sense of smell - men's sweaty T-shirts - women on the pill are at risk for making a bad choice because of the interaction of chemicals with their sense of smell. So if you traditionally make bad choices in man, you can blame it on the pill. According to a LiveScience report by Jeanna Bryner - women on contraceptive medication have their sense of smell compromised and may therefore choose the wrong mate. The gene theory itself is contradictory. Some research says that "couples with dissimilar MHC genes are more satisfied and more likely to be faithful to a mate. And the opposite is also true with matching-MHC couples showing less satisfaction and more wandering eyes." The Pill For more on the story, here is a report from the BBC The Science of Love which points out, "Women are thought to use smell to identify people with different immune systems and complementary genes. But the joint Liverpool and Newcastle universities' study suggested the pill disrupted this process, the Proceedings of the Royal Society B journal said. " Keep in mind that different studies often reach conflicting conclusions, but it is interesting to note that DNA dating and matchmaking by chemistry is looking to become the wave of the future for online dating.  Of DNA and Desire . Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Are You Dating Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong?

Rita Watson — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 03:57:39 +0000
The Maureen Dowd column of men we should never marry is all over the Internet. We know the Mr. Wrongs, but do we know Mr. Right? In her interview Dowd tells us the Men to Avoid -- those who have no friends, can be stepped on, or are tied to Mama's apron strings. Take a look at that blog posting on July 13th. Then take this quiz from LifeScript to help you determine if you are in the right relationship. Or are you in the wrong relationship and heading for heartbreak? Are You Dating the Right Person Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Why We Fall in Love

Rita Watson — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 15:19:08 +0000
I believe that attraction is its own aphrodiasiac. But what are the reasons we fall in love? In this feature from the BBC, take a look at Why We Fall in Love . Sometimes it is an unconscious fit, sometimes instant attraction, and sometimes a person whom you don't expect will become a partner grows on you. When looking for a partner, keep in mind that honesty and respect are vital elements in any relationship. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Gay Couples: for Binationals, Legal Limbo or Long Distance

Rita Watson — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 04:01:13 +0000
What happens when bi-national gay couples find that a US visa runs out on their partners? What's happening with immigration? Some couples simply leave the US and take up residency in the country of their partner. But for those without a firm financial backing, when a VISA runs out it can mean a painful separation. According to Mary Milliken in a story yesterday for Reuters.com, " Gay rights activists estimate that 40,000 binational gay and lesbian couples in the United States are caught in the same legal limbo. A solution, they say, is years away." Reuters.com. article If there is any solace at all to such difficult situations, according to Jan Denise on Creators Syndicate, couples who have established a firm foundation when they were together, can oftentimes survive long distance. Long and Short of Distance. Noneheless, for same-sex marriages, couples find the lack of rights to be an unfair challenge. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Pole Dancing! No Lies, Sexy Workout, Learn How!

Rita Watson — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 04:02:47 +0000
We try just about anything to keep our bodies in shape and looking glamorous--from jumping rope to erotic yoga for ourselves and partners. But pole dancing? It strengths leg muscles. Gives a strenuous and healthy workout. And it is a fun way to fight the battle of the bulge. And healthy women feel better about their relationships. Regarding pole dancing, Dr. Sanjay Gupta of CNN says, "We watched as mothers, teachers, claims adjusters, nurses and businesswomen in all shapes and sizes used exotic dance moves to get in a workout and tap their inner vixen."   Here's the story. Pole Dancing Want to learn how it is done? Here are 7 steps to mastering the erotic pole dance thanks to Wikihow.com, Learn-Pole-Dancing. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

White Lies or Love Secrets?

Rita Watson — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 04:04:58 +0000
Sometimes women keep little secrets from their husbands. Ever wonder what these secrets are about? Joanna Philbin did a piece for Redbook in which they asked 900 married women to talk about secrets they keep from their husbands. And they also asked women to tell what it is they reveal when they are not keeping a secret. Here's what they said. What do you think? Are these secrets or little white lies? Love Secrets. Speaking of Love Secrets -- check out WHY WE FALL IN LOVE. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Is Mr. Right, Gay, Straight, or Lying? Watch His Walk

Rita Watson — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 04:19:11 +0000

If you are searching for Mr. Right, it can be heartbreaking to find that he too is searching for HIS own Mr. Right.

The New York Times looked at this issue several years ago. And we will be presenting a story by Times' writer Aliyah Baruchin about down-low behavior, (DL or discreet level) which has been making the Internet rounds these past few months. It is about men leading double lives. There is very little research on the subject.

Why more articles on same-sex marriage and gay and straight? Because I am receiving emails telling me that I am too one-sided. That may be true, but as I have said earlier and often, I am neutral but opinionated.

As such, to be more informative, we present here some help from Kerri Johnson, PhD, an associate professor at UCLA.

Here is the TIMES article Gay, Straight, or Lying?
And here is a link to Kerri Johnson  which will bring you to the following links:

Gay or Straight from Science Daily

Sexual Orientation from Physorg.com

MSNBC.com  Watch his Walk

Body language speaks louder than words

An often asked question is this one "Can you live with a man who is homosexual or bisexual?" I think we have seen that series -- It was called Will and Grace. However, watch for more news and opinion on this topic. You may wonder about the issue of infidelity. That is another topic with regard to making the decision to live with a bisexual man or women. Some couples can do this comfortably. See my column on Open Marriage. Others call it cheating, but it is more complicated. Nonetheless here is a link to Why People Cheat with a note at the end. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Rekindle Romance: Lavish Your Man with Love

Rita Watson — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 08:01:28 +0000
Yes, I am an incurable romantic. As such, I think it is important for women to lavish love because, let's face it ladies, we get back what we give. In this article by Jennifer Kelly, for Lifescript, she tells us how to "Speak His Love Language and Rekindle Romance." The five secrets that you will want to read about:

Going the extra mile

Giving gifts

Performing acts of service (no this does not mean sex)

Sharing quality time

Knowing the secret of physical touch

As for the Five Love Languages human touch is so important that even within the medical profession, it is known to provide healing qualities. But may I add a 6th love secret? Of course, I can. It's my blog -- speak words of love, they are deliciously contagious. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Mistakes that Men Make

Rita Watson — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 03:11:43 +0000
I know men don't like to think they make mistakes, but guys, sometimes you do. And the blogs say you don't like admitting to a mistake. WebMD says that in terms of sex men make at least six mistakes. Mistakes But listening to men talk at my favorite pub, I think men make two different types of mistakes with regard to women. And ladies, take note of all of this. It is helpful for you to be aware. One mistake you men make -- you are too cynical and you need to lighten up:

"If you are not careful, women will walk all over you."

"Women have hidden agendas and really just want a meal ticket."

Or you might be making the "softie" or totally clueless mistake (a problem with older men, younger women).

"She is so sweet. She tracks me down wherever I go because she misses me."

"She's the real jealous type. It is kind of flattering."

From "Lovers Love Life" here are some common mistakes men make with regard to relationships. Seven Mistakes Essentially, it is about breaking old habits. Men have a more difficult time than women breaking old patterns of behavior especially when they fall head over heels with exterior features. Guys take a good look inside the heart and soul of the woman with whom you wish to share special moments. And ladies, the same goes for us. The great advantage of mistakes -- they give us an opportunity to learn! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

What is Different About the Sexes?

Rita Watson — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:32:51 +0000
Those books that talk about men and women from different planets always irritate me. Nonetheless, there are differences. Don'tDateHimGirl.com says there are six main differences between men and women. These might not be what you are thinking about, but here goes: sex, maturity, laundry, beauty produts, direction, and the big one -- admitting mistakes. To read more go to:   Six Differences    And if you read enough on the Internet, you will find that men and women tell different types of lies. While both men and women tell lies, they seem to have different reasons for doing so. It appears that men tell lies more often than women. Sometimes they just lie to lie because they are conditioned to do so by their profession. At other times they are cheating and lie to hide this fact from their wives or girlfriends: Lies Men Tell When a woman is lying she gets mad at you for accusing her. She pouts, throws a tantrum, witholds sex, or refuses to speak with you – even though you may be right and she may be guilty.  Or she becomes overly affectionate. (Yes, ladies, you know we do this.) Eight Lies Women Tell In most blog posts, however, it seems that women tell those little white lies to save a man's feelings. In any case, it is so much better to aim for telling the truth. Honest! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

When Life Trumps Fiction: l’affaire Edwards

Rita Watson — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 03:01:15 +0000
As it turns out, real life as always, trumps fiction. This entry was a comment from a reader. The full link is at the end. But I think its message merits a blog post. TheB writes: "I’m amazed that I was able to access all of the tawdry tabloid details of l’affaire Edwards in of all scandal sheets, the New York Times. And my sadness isn’t about John and Elizabeth; let’s face it, they’re wealthy and money makes up for a lot of shortcomings. At worse, they’ll co-exist in their 28,000 square foot palace. No, the sadness should be over the alleged father of the mistress’ child, Edwards’ former campaign aide, married with three kids, who sold his house to move into rented quarters, and then, at the expense of Edwards’ well heeled friends, moved across the country to a rental in California the lease of which is about to expire. The Times failed to report how he’s made a living since leaving the campaign. The mistress in question is an emotionally distraught person who knows at least now, that she was never to be the future Mrs. E.. That she initially shared the California rental with the aide and his family would invite titillating speculation but I suspect the truth is far more prosaic - a matter of economics. Rabbi Boteach’s writes as a spiritual leader, someone who sets the bar for what is morally correct, not for us to judge others but as a matter of how we should conduct our lives. And for politicians he sets a debatably high standard of behavior. I agree with him that the time taken to have, to use your words, ‘hot sex’ with a person other than your spouse, is time taken away from family. But what will never appear on the cover of the National Enquirer or even in All The News That’s Fit To Print is that for aspiring politicians the real mistress is, as Boteach alludes, the electorate and once elected a never ending line of people who want a piece of your time. It’s clear where infidelity stands in the moral universe. Ambition involves murkier ground, and a question of whether you can live up to one ideal, that of devoted family man or woman and mother, the work ethic which promises at least in theory, position, riches and the admiration of the public. Possessed of high self esteem and moral compass, can a politician balance the two? Copyright TheB 2008 -- for full story, please go to: Cheating, Chemo, Commitment (And Mr. B, it is true I do not own a TV -- but I do find a comfortable spot to view Boston Legal each week and as for Sex in the City -- reruns in the gym, which I clearly do not visit often enough.) / R

Your Sex Personality Quiz

Rita Watson — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 03:04:35 +0000
With all the emphasis these days on "hot sex" sometimes we forget that sex is really a form of intimate communication. For two people to really enjoy a sexual experience together, it is helpful to understand your own thoughts and feelings about loving. Here is a sex quiz from iVillage.co.uk that will be both informative and thought-provoking. A word of suggestion -- Take the sex quiz with your partner as well. Happy loving. Sex Personality Quiz Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Text Messaging No's: Movie star and Teacher

Rita Watson — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 04:06:38 +0000
Text messaging is again in the news. While it may be good news for Obama, it was bad news for Jennifer Aniston. The Bad News: Hollywood The most callous text message of the day seems to have come from John Mayer. Gossip has it that he texted Jennifer Aniston a message that said: "That's it. The End." You can read about it right here on the British site. May have to add him to my list of Smart Men - Stupid Choices. Mirror.co.uk Bad News Text: Missouri The most disturbing text message story of the week: the Lamar County School Board in Missouri recently implemented a policy forbidding teachers and students from having any text-message conversations or social-networking friendships. It seems that parents thought their child was spending time with a teacher who was helping the child overcome shyness. Education lawyer Jim Keith apparently urged the parents to check the child's phone bill. They found 4,200 text messages between the teacher and student. From CNN.com, here is the story: Cnn.com Good News Text: Political Savvy Obama apparently collected cell phone numbers that could be a powerful tool on election day. According to the Trib stroy, "Allison Dale, a University of Michigan graduate student who has studied the impact of text messages on voting, said Obama's campaign was shrewd to give prospective voters a juicy piece of information -- the vice presidential pick -- in exchange for their cell phone number."  Chicago Tribune.com Text Messaging Etiquette: Geek Sugar gives us some text message etiquette and we agree with every single point! They are giving a big thumbs down to text messaging shorthand -- Be more thoughtful when you send a message that says, I LUV U or worse U R sacked www.Geek sugar.com Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

mrs-robinson

Rita Watson — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 19:01:09 +0000

Cougar Training Camp

Rita Watson — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 19:45:24 +0000
Hot off the Page Six press -- a new reality show to train women on how to date and mate a younger man. Here is a video tribute! I think you should read this story yourselves. But I will give a hint on required reading -- "The Graduate" of course. Camp Cougar: NY Post. Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Is it Just a Kiss? Friends with Benefits and Cheating Kisses, too

Rita Watson — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 03:29:35 +0000
A kiss isn't always just a kiss. When we first saw the kissing lesson on Boston Legal, we had no idea it would turn into friends with benefits! While traditionally associated with two people who enjoy each other’s company but do not wish to make the commitment, in fact, some FWB relationships take a romantic turn. On Boston Legal, the couple ended up married with children. Friends with Benefits Quiz The New York Times carried a story called, Friends with Benefits, and Stress, too based on research that appeared in the Archives of Sexual Behavior called “Negotiating a Friends with Benefits Relationship.” Are you reluctant to enter a friends with benefits situation because you really want to save yourself for the right person? Good. You should. Or are you looking for excuses to avoid a committed relationship? A quick quiz Do you feel that you are one of those who are not good at relationships? If you answered “Yes,” then this is a good excuse. You won’t even need to bother trying.  Then if you disappoint, you can shrug your shoulders and say: “See, I warned you. Did my part. Sorry if I broke your heart.” If you are in a FWB situation ask yourself these questions:

Am I doing this because commitment is too difficult?

Is this my excuse to avoid commitment?

Do I traditionally tell myself and others that I am not good at relationships – thereby absolving myself of the responsibility for trying?

Have I been so hurt by others that I am really afraid to be hurt again?

Do I really like this person and sometimes find myself caught up with feeling loved?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions and the friend with whom you are sharing the benefits is really a friend – than it is time for a friendship talk – truth with no consequences. The Affair Kiss: And if you are lying for love and telling yourself that the married man or woman with whom you are involved is really the love of your life -- then it is just another excuse to avoid commitment. If you need the passion of an illicit affair -- then watch a movie. Here is the great beach scene From Here to Eternity embedded. And despite the number of times I say that I like to remain "Neutral but opinionated" -- when it comes to infidelity -- infidelity is adultry, is cheating, is infidelity. Married But Cheating Copyright 2008 Rita Watson (adapted from an earlier posting)

Is Your Man a Mama's Boy?

Rita Watson — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 04:01:58 +0000
Sometimes a man simply cannot let go of Mama. I remember when I was living in New Haven a lovely women with whom I worked came to my office in tears one day. She had taken an assistant's position - although she didn't have to work - to get away from her mother-in-law, who came each afternoon to do the laundry and clean their house. Why? Her husband insisted on it. And this was long before eveyone was loving Raymond and groaning at his mother, Marie. This particular day, her mother-in-law pushed her over the edge. The woman arrived first thing in the morning because her son had a job interview. Mama wanted to be certain that he wore the right shirt and tie.    And we though Charlotte's mother-in-law on Sex in the City was an exaggeration!   Since my assistant wanted to stay married, she didn't dare say to Mama the things I suggested. However, CNN.com LIVING does have some practical advice: Mama's Boy Help Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Are You Dating Daddy's Girl?

Rita Watson — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 04:25:01 +0000
Take a look. It is said that women who had good relationships with their fathers look for a man who resembles daddy. From the UK's Daily Mail: Daddy double And in AskMen.com, dating a daddy's girl is the equivalent to high maintenance or worse! High maintenance daddy's girl -- But some men feel that a daddy's girl is better than this: Top ten signs that you are too good for her! Time to upgrade. While our gum chewer is a bit exaggerated, if you've got a gum chewing gal, an upgrade is a absolute must. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The Forgiveness Factor: Married, Single, Straight or Gay

Rita Watson — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 04:01:12 +0000
Forgiveness is in the mainstream news, a CNN feature this week-end.  Forgiveness is at the heart and core of all our relationships. There are many postings on this site about forgiveness.  We often point out that men and women do have a different view on forgiving and forgetting. Our take is forgiveness between couples, however, the CNN story has a broader reach, forgiveness within families. Men: For men, forgiveness depends upon the situation -- when it comes to cheating in a relationship -- research shows that men are less forgiving than women. And men who are too forgiving -- letting the good law of karma run its course -- may actually be doing themselves more harm than good. Whether it is burying their heads in the sand, hoping for the best, or just walking away without a confrontation, this attitude generally turns into a diaster. Why? Because they keep running into the same problems with relationships over and over again.   New look -- same old book. Women: While women may not leave a relationship, they may hold out on the forgiveness factor especially if they rationalize that they are in the right. With this attitude, everyone loses. However, when it comes to infidelity, women tend to be more forgiving of their husbands, especially when children are involved. Friendships, intimacy, and loners:   Friendships are vital to love and health. Women cultivate friendships. Men find it more difficult to do.   As Maureen Dowd's column pointed out (it is now a top story all over the Internet and we carried it immediately) men without friends do not know how to be intimate. Friends can help you forgive by drawing a circle of love around you. We are reading a lot about "ex-friends" and "ex-lovers" these days and will do more postings next week. But for now, the blogs, magazines, and medical journals are unanimous: Friendships are protective. The Journal of the American Medical Association found that when healthy volunteers were infected with a cold virus, those who had a network of social contacts were less likely to get sick than the loners. Friends help you to stay balanced, will help you laugh at yourself. Practice forgiving: It is a lot simpler than you might think.

Write down the one thing that is bothering you about your spouse or lover.

Ask yourself what role you are playing in the problem.

Then write ten positive qualities of your partner. A friend who long practiced Religious Science says it takes ten positives to cancel out one negative.

Begin to see yourself interacting with the positive person with whom you fell in love.

Begin to recount the joys in friendship.

Take a chance on change.

Embrace change: A change in thinking from anger to forgiveness will do wonders for your heart and may save your marriage or relationship, rekindle a friendship, and heal your heart and soul. From cnn.com, Forgivenes or Not
Other posts on Forgiveness include:

Mending a Marriage after Infidelity Takes Forgiveness

When Every Day You Think Love not Divorce

Good Book, Sex, or Forgiveness Helps Sleep

Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Yes, You Can Hear Love in Your Heart

Rita Watson — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 04:01:10 +0000
In the hustle and bustle of our overly committed lives, do we ever remember to take time to listen for love instead of waiting for the "one and only" love ? Sometimes we need to clear our heads and hearts so that we can hear – love. As we see August slipping away, promise yourself now to make some changes in your life.  Take a stand on clearing the path for love.  Here are seven steps to help you.

Let go of worn out friendships and relationships.

Break old patterns that really hinder your happiness.

Take a chance on an out of character relationship.

Break away from relationships that are boundary violations with piles of baggage.

Be more forgiving of others without losing your sense of self or your values.

Laugh at yourself and who you really are by accepting yourself.

Forgive your love mistakes of the past and prepare to move into the Fall with a renewed sense of self and spirit.

What will love sound like?   Not a crackling fire. An old saying goes something like this: Starts hot, burns out fast. Starts slow, lasts long. The sound of love? It is a still small voice in our heart that comes with contentment and commitment. A gentle breeze, the sound of peace. Here is Leo Buscaglia's humorous and thought-provoking take on those who are looking for the perfect love! Just click on the video. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

New Joys in The New Joy of Sex

Rita Watson — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 03:01:48 +0000
There is a new Joy of Sex hitting the book stores.  The blogs are abuzz. Caroline Davies in the guardian.co.uk tells us that there are 120 new tastefully obscured photographs. You will also find some new positions for love thrills and a body map to make it easier to find not just the G-spot but the A- spot and U-spot as well. I would give you better definitions of the spots -- but a few of these were news to me until the magazines began touting them. So be surprised~ Guardian, New Joy The book is designed for the new world of lovemaking in which even older couples are exploring and enjoying sex. The New Joy of Sex: A Gourmet Guide to Lovemaking in the Nineties is at Amazon.com New Joy of Sex Happy Loving. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Men on the Down-Low: The Lie They Must Tell

Rita Watson — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 04:22:56 +0000
In the search for Mr. Right, it is helpful to know if he is straight or gay. But what about men who are secretly involved with male lovers?

Presented here is an article from the Centers for Disease Control and also one posted on AOL written by Aliyah Baruchin, who reports on complex medical issues for the New York Times. She also contributes to  Essence, Vanity Fair, Rx and match.com's Happen magazine.

Why the list of credentials? Because she is touching upon a topic that sometimes is regarded with skepticism. But it is out there. And the sooner women become more aware of this behavior the easier it will be for them to get on with their lives if they are involved with a man who is down-low.   Or for that matter, reconcile with his sexual preference and incorporate into their lifestyle as one sometimes sees in Open Marriage. Open Marriage vs True Love?

Sure it has gone on for centuries, but it is now out in the open. This article gives "straight answers" to your questions.  Dating on the Down Low
"What are the origins of this term down low and what does it refer to?" The CDC says, "The most generic definition of the term down low, or DL, is 'to keep something private,' whether that refers to information or activity. "  For a medical perspective and how down-low behavior may affect one's health and women with regard to STD's or HIV, please read Questions and Answers: Men on the Down-Low.  CDC - Down-low   Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

From Paris, With Love and Lies

Rita Watson — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 04:19:51 +0000
Lying for love? This just in from Paris, "A resounding OUI for ladies who lie for relationships --guilty as charged." You all well know that I am a firm believer that all relationships should be based on truth. But perhaps truth varies depending upon the generation, the country, the culture, and the honesty in admitting that you may be painting in shades of gray. An American in Paris: Lying to Ourselves Aimee Charest is a beautiful and talented twenty-ish American in Paris. She has been living and working there since January. She believes that everyone is afraid of being alone or being rejected. Aimee says, "I think the real problem is that we lie to ourselves too much. As cliché as it may sound, the person we really need to be happy with is ourselves... and taking that one step further, the person we really need to be honest with is ourselves. " She reminds us that we each need to ask ourselves, "What do I want, how do I feel?" Why? "Because at the end of the day, we all find ourselves alone with ourselves, our thoughts and our desires - whether we are single for years, or happily married." Carefully Nurtured Love Relationships Aimee added, "Being in France, it seems that woman/man relationships are more carefully nurtured. There isn't a feeling that you can date more than one person at a time; it's more like if you don't like that person anymore, it's over, c'est la fin. "The French don't understand the whole ‘testing' people out; they can be more honest with their feelings (if it's about sex it's about sex). Sure it's easy to kid yourself that this dreamy French guy is the real deal, but the refreshingly honest thing is that you learn quickly that it's probably not... and that's okay!   "Sometimes I get the feeling that in the US we are searching for that special person to marry and begin our lives, instead of maybe living our lives for the right now. "As a 20-something living in Paris (don't think for one minute I don't realize how lucky I am), perhaps it's too easy for me to say that my current thought on relationships would be to have a life filled with lovers, affairs of the heart. " The Marriage Problem, Love Lies, and Happiness "Hearing so many disaster stories about marriage has made me wary and quite skeptical - and I grew up with the most loving wonderful parents, who are still together after 26 odd years. And I am also saying this as a hopeless (albeit independent) romantic. "I just wonder how possible this is anymore; especially if you lack honesty. I have realized that I never want to be in a relationship that isn't honest - not to say that you have to share every little thing with your partner, because I don't think that's healthy. But I believe you should be on the same page as the person you are with (family, values, marriage or not, hopes, money, etc.) "Last thought is that judging people for the fact that they are not honest with themselves or their partners is just plain wrong. It only serves to make you feel better and who knows - they could be extremely happy and fulfilled. "So I don't think honesty necessarily brings happiness to everyone even if it is a big factor for me. Who knows? The more I live, the less I know, and that's just fine with me." Aimee, we love your fresh perspective.  Nonetheless, I remain neutral, but opinionated. Links to Love and Lives: How Big a Love Lie Have You Bought? , Deception in Love and Sex, Alone in Love and Danger: the Love Myth Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

aimee

Rita Watson — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 06:20:39 +0000

Detecting Sensuous Flirting and Body Language

Rita Watson — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 04:01:40 +0000
Flirting is a body language movement that portrays many sensual words, without words.   I learned recently that men and women who look for partners on-line are well schooled in the art of flirting, dating and mating. I was at my favorite pub the other evening, invited by a young man whom I consider to be a drinking buddy. He is attractive, very sexy, but too young in spirit even by most Cougar standards. It was a windy evening and I had my hair piled high and held with a big barrette. So as I sat next to him and he ordered me a South Beach Diet drink, I took the barrette from my hair and shook my head. "Ah, ha," he said, "So you really are interested in our being together. What you just did with your hair is blatant flirting." I smiled sweeting and said, "Absolutely! And when your kids grow up and leave home, call me. We could become a really hot couple." Actually, I love children - babies with nannies and young adults in college out of state. And so as we chatted in between calls from his children, I began to covet the olives next to him. Not wishing to disturb his fourth phone call, I leaned across him and helped myself. He immediately touched my arm, ended the call, and said to me: "Hmm, now you who writes about relationships and sex, did you see what you just did? You just moved into my space. More flirting." Then with a twinkle, he added, "I hope that it was deliberate." I answered, "Yes, it was. I'm starving and you are hogging all the olives." Others joined us. The group expanded. And just as the appetizers arrived, I spotted a gentleman coming towards us. A stately politician, he and I had been criss-crossing each other for a few weeks. So as I leaned back in my chair preparing myself to greet him with a kiss-kiss, Mr. Too Young said, "What's this? What's happening? I can tell from your body language that you just withdrew from me totally." Without skipping a beat, I admitted, "That's true, I did so to kiss the Elder Statesman. "   The next day as we were talking about his "in depth" knowledge of flirting and body language, he confessed: "I love on-line dating, as you know. And if you are a member of certain on-line groups, you get some extra advice." Well extra advice or not, I'm still not changing my opinion of on-line dating. I'm suspicious of the whole thing. But I did do some further checking on body language, a hot Internet topic. There is a slide presentation from former FBI agent Joe Navarro presented by the WashingtonPost.com called Every body's talking. The article has an embedded slide show presentation called "What We Say Without Words." It is crystal clear. And here is a link to http://www.flirting.com/ Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Cougar Reality Roundup

Rita Watson — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 04:08:19 +0000
Men dating or marrying older women say: “Cougars trade on their strengths instead of weaknesses. Cougars know that in pleasing us, we will please them." Scott Haltzman, M.D., a psychiatrist and assistant professor at Brown University, seems to agree -- but not just Cougars, all women. In his book, Secrets of Happily Married Women, he says:“Your actions can show your husband how to care for you. As you cater to your guy, he’s watching and learning what marriage means. He’s enjoying the love and care of his wife and will soon feel, if he doesn’t already, the desire to do the same for you.” In the same column from which I quoted the above, men added: "Cougars don’t bad-mouth former husbands and lovers or spill out a sad history of mistreatment. These women are savvy and fun to be with." Want to be a Cougar? This book, now in paperbook, can help. Cougar: A Guide For Older Women Dating Younger Men by Valerie Gibson. To read about Cougars in the News: MainStreet Cougar Dating Money Rules and also the Cougar Reality Dating Series to Debut Reality TV And for the Cougar Reality Roundup:

Cougar Training Camp

Cougar Reality Show

Another Cougar Wedding

Her Mother is a Cougar and She's Hot for Me!

Kittens, Cougars - Networking and Labelling

Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Sexercise Your Way to Happiness

Rita Watson — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 04:20:25 +0000
The blogs and papers are filled with stories of sex.  Politicians seem to be having more sex than the rest of society. It is estimated that in the US some 20 million marriages are essentially sexless arranagements - sexless generally defined as having sex about once a month. What is it that causes a lack of desire?   While it could be a health problem, most often it is boredom. Most couples experiment at the beginning of marriage, but as times goes on, it becomes same old, same old. To spice things up in the bedroom, here is some advice from Scott Haltzman, MD, who wrote The Secrets of Happily Married Men and just published The Secrets of Happily Married Women. Spice up your sex life Couples who have been avoiding sex, should reconsider the benefits. According to some new students, Sex could be better for your health than diet and exercise.  Sex over exercise Why? It eases stress, boosts your heart health, fights aging, and strengthens the immune system.   In fact, even just once a week sex is beneficial. But for those who prefer actual exercise, but are not likely to get to a gym, here is some good news. You don't have to walk miles and miles each day. Just 30 minutes three times a week is said to benefit you mind and body. Walk away to health   The secret to a healthy life is to get moving! (This is a repeat posting by request.) Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Dialing Drunk or The Booty Call

Rita Watson — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 04:02:43 +0000
Never dial drunk -- you know, making that 2 AM call for whatever the reason. Here's how to keep yourself from hating yourself in the morning. This problem of drunk dialing is that it walks the tightrope of a booty call. As such, we are not only posting the link to "Shine" that recently addressed the problem of drunk dialing, but also a terrific video link that you won't want to miss. Regarding drunk dialing -- on "Shine" the Yahoo Relationships Community, Erin Flaherty gave her opinion and then asked for members suggestions.  The one I liked best fell in line with my simple "don't" thinking.

To avoid making that "I know I'm drunk but I need you call" -- don't drink.

To avoid the problem of "make-up sex" -- don't fight.

To solve the problem of whether or not you are being told the truth -- Don't give the benefit of the doubt. (You know you have already seen the red flags that he or she was lying.)

Whenever you wonder if you should or you shouldn't -- there is usually a voice inside screaming,"If you need to think twice, then in your heart of hearts you know what you are about to do is a bad move, especially if it is going to damage your credibility, your values, your morals." Therefore, stop rationalizing and grow up. When you are alone and sad and drinking -- Don't touch that dial. 1. For cell phones -- delete his or her number. (No one remembers phone numbers these days, so once you delete it, it will be too much trouble to find it again.) 2. For land lines -- tie a big string around the phone and add a double knot. Tape a large piece of paper that says: DON"T TOUCH THAT DIAL. How to keep yourself from dialing drunk The Booty Call Video: This one is terrific! It is really a five-star. Booty call video "On dating" For every relationship, it is important to take a periodic review of the good, the bad, and the reality. Face the facts and your feelings. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

More Sex with Your Ex

Rita Watson — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 03:59:23 +0000
It's back in the news -- Sex with your Ex. Should you or shouldn't you? There is so much written about this topic that as I have said before, I am going to refer you to other writers. But if you did have sex with your ex and need to do some damage control to your heart, it's back to the TACT® Strategies. But first, here are links that you may wish to read. This from LifeScript sheds some light on the topic of sex with your ex or the booty call. Women's Health and sex with your ex   There is also a book called, Sex With Your Ex. . . And 69 Other Tempting Things You Should Never Do Again (Plus a Few That You Should) by Yvonne K. Fulbright. And here is what you should keep in mind for yourself, The TACT® Strategies. Take a minute - think about what you did in terms of reconnecting with someone who brought you pain and so one of you severed the connection. Why did you decide to rekindle a moment of passion? Be honest, this is between you and your heart! And forgiveness is a good answer. Assess the situation - what are you feeling? Were either of you hurt by the moment of passion? What had you hoped for with regard to the outcome? Can you tell him or her honestly what you had expected? If not, then why! Consider the alternatives - Ok, you did the deed and now what, feeling guilty? Don't waste a minute on guilt. But do generate a list of what you would like to see happen in the future. Perhaps you wish to:

Try to forgive and forget and start fresh.

Acknowledge that it was fun but you should set parameters for the future.

Ask him or her to talk with you about the situation.

>>> A word about "Can we talk?" Make it fun. Make a loving joke. But be serious. "Never thought we'd be up for a roll in the hay. But we did. Where do we go from here?" Take a stand and follow-though - Make a decision. Don't leave yourselves like a ship with a broken sail. Talk about it. Or dismiss it completely. Obsessing about it serves no useful purpose. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Packaging Sex and Abstinence

Rita Watson — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 03:22:44 +0000
Sex sells. Whether we wrap it in an abstinence package or talk about it through Planned Parenthood - we are talking about sex. I wrote this column on June 24th. And yes, I am still in favor of comprehensive sex education. So to those who have written me about Sarah Palin's belief in abstience, I can only hope that if McCain becomes the nation's presidential choice, she changes her mind on the issue.   Packaging Sex and Abstience Sex sells. Whether we wrap it in an abstinence package or talk about it through Planned Parenthood - we are talking about sex. In the abstinence world, the talk of sex translates into "no sex before marriage," and it comes without the sound advice of safe sex based on good science. Escaping the message of sex is difficult to do. We live in a society in which magazines, movies, and television have blurred the boundaries of propriety. Sex is so much a part of our culture that even advertising for cars comes with seductive overtones. While we seem to be a society that likes sex, according to the recent Durex Survey the US ranks 23 out of 26 nations in terms of sexual satisfaction. Nonetheless sex was still on the minds of the "Virginity Rules" movement when Congress again debated $176 million abstinence legislation last fall. It passed and President Bush signed the measure into law and actually increased funding. The controversial issue was raised again in the Congress and on April 24th The Washington Times reported "a House hearing on the effectiveness of abstinence education loosed a flurry of statistics, studies and anecdotes, but concluded yesterday with little moment on the contentious issue." Furthermore the Government Accounting Office spokesperson acknowledged medical inaccuracies in federally funded abstinence materials, but said that Health and Human Services was working to correct them. But what was most shocking is that she said that more data was being collected because the information thus far, "is insufficient for the GAO to draw conclusions about the programs' effectiveness." Just how many millions more dollars does it take to show that children are having babies and sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise? The irony of the Congressional approval of the legislation is that their own mandated evaluation by Mathematica Policy Research Inc. shows that abstinence education has little impact on teen sexual practice and age of first sexual experience, just under 15. Last year Women's News reported the candidates' stand on the legislation. Hillary Clinton has gone on record for abstinence-plus - which essentially acknowledges respect for delaying sexual activity and viewing sex as part of an intimacy process with a view towards lifelong commitment. However, the plus means also teaching about safe sex and the use of contraception. Barack Obama is an advocate of age-appropriate comprehensive sex education. John McCain who now favors abstinence-only at one time favored comprehensive sex education and Mike Huckabee was a proponent of abstinence-only. What is the real message of abstinence education? Proponents would like to see children place more value on marriage and family than on sex. That's a good message. But tax dollars should not be funding it. However, I would be pleased to see money spent on programs that instill passion and intimacy - not through sex, but through art, dance, and music. And I would favor funding for model family programs where children might learn to talk about ethics, feelings, relationships, and the value of intimacy and friendship. My grandmother taught us about family at the dining room table. There we shared thoughts, celebrated joys, and learned to decipher the meaning of a sigh, a half smile, an unspoken sadness. Today we live in a world of fragmented families often on treadmills racing against activities and time. There are few role models. But that doesn't absolve us from our responsibilities as parents. Sex is a part of growing up. And it is up to us, not the Congress, to teach our children to grow up responsibly and respectfully of others as well as themselves. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The Marriage Gene

Rita Watson — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 04:01:07 +0000
Does marriage have a future? With the rise in infidelity and living together instead of walking down the aisle some are wondering. Here are my thoughts on Open Marriage followed by an AOL blog note wondering if men have a marriage gene! IN A YEAR when “Virginity Rules” became an abstinence movement motto, the pendulum swings to new rules for an open marriage. With recent statistics from 13 countries showing that marriage is down while living together is up - and monogamy being challenged by polyamory - will the words “for better or worse, until death do us part” become obsolete? Polyamory means sharing more than one intimate partner at the same time. Unlike the ménage à trois or Updikean wife-swapping, polyamory is characterized by multiple-relationship arrangements with the consent of all partners and defined by specific boundaries. Couples have been choosing alternative arrangements for years - look at Eleanor and Franklin D. Roosevelt (and his mistresses), Nelson Rockefeller and his mistresses, and the open relationship between John Lennon and Yoko Ono. In the 1800s, the married Amherst College treasurer, Austin Dickinson, spent 13 years involved with a young professor’s wife. Mabel Loomis Todd, who documented their relationship, declared that she could love two men at the same time. Poet Emily Dickinson helped her brother and Mabel sustain the affair. One man loving three wives at the same time was depicted in Big Love, an HBO tale glamorizing polygamy. Since I do not own a television, I missed it and had to wait to read about marriage alternatives in two new books that are shedding light on sexual-preference-packages. Written or unwritten rules that include mutual respect, agreements, and even contracts between various partners appear to set apart today’s open marriages from the swinging ’60s. Tristan Taormino, in Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, describes a variety of arrangements, ranging from monogamy with benefits to triads and solo polyamory. The book comes with an extensive resource list by state and country. Taormino says her goal is “to empower people to let go of societal expectations of what relationships should look like and create customized relationships that meet their needs and desires.” Jenny Block’s Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage is a memoir. She wrote me and said, “I do think that polyamory might well work for many people. That’s not to say that I have any problem with monogamy. I think it is great when a couple is actually practicing it and not just giving lip-service to the concept.” Escalating marital infidelity and divorce rates may be contributing to the rise in cohabitation. A young couple from Portland, Ore., expressed a growing sentiment. Amanda Thibodeau said: “Marriage is a government and legal institution, and we have lost faith in both. Why do I need these institutions telling me that my relationship is official?” Of their relationship Scott Beck added: “We are working on being good partners for each other, like other couples who are married or not, gay or straight, young and old.” Ironically in an era when many are giving a “thumbs down” to marriage, gay couples are still lobbying for the right to marry. What message do marriage alternatives give to young people? In the absence of role models, we are spending taxpayer dollars for abstinence programs that congressional-funded research shows are failing. Why not spend money on family-focused education that includes conflict resolution, financial management, sexual responsibility and child care? We might even consider courses that talk about intimacy and love as a choice rather than wild infatuation. Does marriage even have a future? As an incurable romantic, I am ever hopeful. But I paused at a recent New Yorker cartoon by Michael Crawford. A middle-aged couple in the formal “just married” attire of tux and tulle are sitting in the back of a limousine. The caption reads: “It didn’t have to end like this.” Sunday July 6, 2008, adapted from Providence Journal This AOL feature presents some interesting thoughts. The marriage gene You may also want to read my piece "Of DNA and Desire" at Relationship Columns Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Don't Do the Silent Treatment

Rita Watson — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 04:01:14 +0000
Say what you want, please? Is it a baby? Is it sex? Is it a vacation? Don't let him guess! Thoughts from Me and from Oprah.com, me first. Sexual Shutout in Hidden Agenda Hell HIDDEDN AGENDAS are relationship hell that live in a cauldron of unspoken words and fiery outbursts. The good professor believes that women are masters of the veiled word and tells me, "You just can't seem to say what you mean." Men find themselves perplexed by hidden agendas and admit that when they can't decipher the message - wives, girlfriends, or partners withhold affection. One young man voiced an often repeated theme, the sexual shut-out. "Do you know why men try to pick up women at bars?" he asked, "Because our women have shut us down. Then if we happen to meet another woman, even for fun, we're the bad guys!" He added: "They force us out and want us to be celibate while we try to read their minds. I don't want to read her mind. I want her to tell me. Show me. I said to her one day, ‘Take a look at this. It's a car manual. See these symbols? Each one points to a problem. Pretend I'm a car. Show me what's wrong. Make a list of what you want. I'll try to fix it. But don't keep telling me that ‘I don't get it,' because I don't. What she doesn't get is that we are both losing this battle." Social research confirms that men and women think differently. Dr. Myrna Weissman, a professor of psychiatry at Columbia, did research while at Yale on depression in women. She found that when marriage gets rocky, women seek counseling, whereas men wait until the marriage is over, and then wonder what happened. In a society that flaunts sex on television, at the movies, and with car ads of sultry women - can hidden agendas account for our low sexual satisfaction rating? According to the recent Durex Survey, in terms of sexual pleasure and frequency, the United States ranks at 23 out of 26 nations. Although couples with hidden agendas may remain together, sometimes angry words erupt about an unrelated issue. How often do women tease men in public about their expanding waistlines? They should realize that for every one insult hurled at a man three women are waiting to say, "Ooh, ooh, ooh, I just love your teddy bear tummy." At a dinner party, silverware jangled each time a husband spoke and his wife snapped: "How many times do I have to tell you, that's not how it happened?" He said: "I don't hear her anymore. I live an old philosophy: ‘Don't take unkind words personally. They are not because of you. They are because of the one who utters them.'" Both men and women with hidden agendas may be harboring contradictory wishes that they are afraid to share. She wants to be married. He doesn't. She wants security. He wants sex. She wants to retire and garden. He wants to travel. She wants his money. He wants her companionship. Both say nothing and they play the game. When a hidden agenda masks a skeleton in the closet, it becomes complicated. One man told us that a certain incident nearly ruined his marriage. "I vowed to keep this secret even from my wife and take it with me to the grave. Then before major surgery, I told my priest friend. When I finished my story, he said, ‘Is that all?' I looked him in the eye and asked: ‘That's not bad enough. You want more?' We doubled over laughing, and I learned forgiveness." Hidden agendas are like the emperor's new clothes. If we pretend they do not exist, as with the naked emperor, the relationship becomes vulnerable and exposed. Talking and trusting takes courage. (from Relationship Columns, The Providence Journal) from Oprah.com Say What You Want Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

On-line or off-line Dating

Rita Watson — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 04:01:04 +0000
I keep hearing about women who marry men they meet online. And I have more ‘man of the month’ club ads in my mailbox than I do the shoe catalogues. And yet… Dating a stranger? For me, I always liked knowing family, friends, social settings, clubs — oh, yes, a private club is a hotbed of gossip – you can learn just about anything about anyone, whether or not it is true. And one word of warning. If you are in a small town and are meeting on-line, chances are you know the friend of the person whom you eventually meet "off-line." Be careful what you say and convey. This next article gives a shocking statistic regard sex off-line with those meeting on-line. Sex and Gratitude So, I don’t have much advice for online daters, however, here is a saga that perhaps would have ended if she bought the book, “He’s just not that into you!” An online dating story Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Sarah Palin Did WHAT?

Rita Watson — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 12:06:19 +0000
The emails from friends across the nation to me were omnious -- they came from friends who knew friends who were friends of... snopes.com It started out as a Urban Legend -- but it did turn out that a particular woman wrote it. Most letters turn out to be fabrications. You can always check with the link above. However, regardless of how you plan to vote -- get two sides of the story from Real Clear Politics. It's right there on my blogroll under categories. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Teens and Sex and Maybe a Love Lesson for Adults

Rita Watson — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 04:01:01 +0000
While I have clearly expressed my opinions on Sex Education and Abstinence Programs, today more than ever, teens are at risk in their search for love. The attached article was written by Bernadine Healy, MD, the first woman to serve as director for the National Institutes of Health. She is also a Senior Health Editor for U.S.News & World Report and is CEO of the American Red Cross. Just a note as you read this article -- the incidence of sexually transmitted diseases is on the rise in women over 40 as well as men due to our population in which people are living longer more fitful lives. Some of what Dr. Healy says in this article for young people, is applicable for all ages. Your Teens and Sex Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Love lies and brain scans

Rita Watson — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 03:17:57 +0000
LYING FOR LOVE is becoming as commonplace as lying for a business or political advantage. From candidates to couch potatoes, everyone hiding a love secret squirms when allegations of infidelity surface. from my column Sunday for the editorial pages of the Providence Journal which appeared on September 7th Neuroimaging Love Lies LYING FOR LOVE is becoming as commonplace as lying for a business or political advantage. From candidates to couch potatoes, everyone hiding a love secret squirms when allegations of infidelity surface. But what happens if you are accused of cheating, the stakes are high, and you need to prove your innocence? For about $10,000 there is functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) that can trace a lie by pinpointing an area of the brain where lies originate and truth prevails. Findings from the Brain Mapping Center at UCLA, published in the Annals of Neurology this year, show how neuroimaging can help distinguish belief, disbelief and uncertainty in real time. David Langleben, M.D., a University of Pennsylvania neurologist and psychiatrist, said on National Public Radio: "Three areas of the brain generally become more active during deception." Essentially, he said, it takes more brain activity to tell a lie "than when you just say the truth." In other words truth comes more naturally than a lie, which on a brain scan can be tracked as it forms and is depicted as increased blood-flow activity to specific areas. While there is a perceived notion that it is easy to tell a lie, it appears to be quite the contrary. To lie, one must first know the truth. The surprise finding can be disconcerting to those who talk in shades of gray to try to veil the truth. Sean A. Spence, M.D., in writing about "The Deceptive Brain" for the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine, five years ago reported that "responding with a lie demands something ‘extra' . . . a hypothesis that we can test by means of functional neuroimaging." Today deception-analysis software and MRI are being used by the California-based No Lie MRI. Requests for brain scans are coming from businesses as well as those in relationships who have been accused of infidelity and wish to prove their innocence. While we often associate love lies with infidelity, an American in Paris tells us that love and lying may be inexplicably entwined. Twenty-something freelance translator Aimee Charest said, "A resounding oui for ladies who lie for relationships - guilty as charged. Everyone is afraid of being alone or being rejected. I think the real problem is that we lie to ourselves too much." Lying to oneself can create both illusions and delusions. Bloggers are often asked, "Is it cheating if you are married and having a secret on-line relationship?" (Such questions are often prefaced with the words "But I really love my spouse.") The answer is always, "Yes, if it's a secret, it's emotional infidelity." If we follow the logic that it is easier to tell the truth than to tell a love lie, "what is love?" I asked a group of people at an upscale café in midtown Providence. Answers from patrons and staff fell into two categories: romantic and biological. Sean Scannell, maitre d', said, "Love is when the faults of your other are no longer recognizable." From behind the bar, Christopher Perrino quickly responded: "Love is chemistry." And chemistry may be why co-habitation is up in 14 countries even though marriage is down. In Dubai, those who are unmarried but living together in committed relationships are breaking the law. Roger Manny, a U.S. architect managing a project in Dubai, says, "It is whispered that love lies and cheating do go on here except in marriages among the more fundamentalist couples. Out of respect for the sanctity of family, they are expected to live by higher standards." Yet, he pointed out, "In my travels around the world, the bigger issue is not lying for love, but looking for love. Everywhere people are trying to find someone to love, romance, marry and maintain the intimacy of their initial passion." In the search for lifelong love, some wonder if they should take brain scans before marriage to track the blood-activity pattern of truth or lies to interpret each other's intentions. Steven C. Schachter, M.D., a professor of neurology at the Harvard Medical School, said: "This form of high-tech mind reading gives new meaning to the phrase ‘Go with the flow.' But what ever happened to looking into someone's eyes?" Copyright 2008 Rita Watson Rita Watson ( www.ritawatson.com ) is a daily blogger and a monthly contributor.

Why Guys Love "Gossip Girl"

Rita Watson — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 03:08:40 +0000
A man can learn a lot about women if he watches the evening soaps. Or as Joshua Alston says in a Newsweek Web Exclusive:  "Gossip Girl" is "another teen soap for which guys have an unconflicted affinity. . . " He thinks the secret to its populary is in creating "A genre that is traditionally hostile to men and make[ing] it welcoming to them. And the trick is only to put fleshed-out, relatable male characters into them rather than cartoonish buffoons." We often hear from readers who learned a lot about women by watching some of the evening soaps. Men who feel they have been lied to, watch these shows and realize that basically -- they are clueless. However, they also realize just how unsteady certain relationships can be. Here is a blog post about relationships. Mistakes Men Make Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

When Duped by a Big Lie

Rita Watson — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 04:01:14 +0000
Anne Hathaway is talking about her former boyfriend's big lie. All men and women who have been duped find that it is humiliating. Most often it is men who buy the big lies.   During one of our cigar nights out -- with the ladies before I joined Cigar Masters -- one of the women said, “Listen, I understand men. I don’t like being confrontational. If I am told a story I believe it — even if it doesn’t happen to be true. I would rather accept it and walk away and then when I come back, hopefully we can get to the truth.” I can't begin to tell you the number of men I know of who can easily be called Professor or Dr. or CEO Clueless. And yet it happens to women who are too trusting as well. A male friend of mine has an accountant who learned after 10 years of marriage that her husband has a second family on the West Coast. He was always a traveler, and while she suspected him of infidelity, she had no idea he was raising children with another woman. What if friends warn you that your love might be cheating, or leading a double life, or responsible for giving you a sexually transmitted disease? Sometimes you confront your love and he or she gets angry with you for doubting them.  Then what? You back down, and friends become incredulous because they know you are buying a love lie. What happens? Hopefully it doesn’t get as bad as what happened to Anne Hathaway. Seems that her man Raffaello Follieri, 30, has been arrested from serious charges stemming for accusations that he “swindled millions from investors.”   What should you do if you suspect you are being lied to? Instead of buying a story, confront. And talk to friends! This is one time you should not be relying on your own judgement. If your friends think you are being duped even after what you think is a plausible story — you are probably living in the world of denial. For Anne Hathaway, who has dealth with the issue with a sense of humor up to now, she is now taking a more cathartic route and is Tossing Her Ex Under the Bus. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Condom Ring Tones: A Musical Reminder

Rita Watson — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 03:15:04 +0000
Are you ready for an a cappella chorus singing the "condom, condom, condom" song? They seem to be loving it in India. In an effort to promote safe sex and convey a social-conscious, a new company has devised ring tones that sing "the condom tune." In part its ultimate goal is to help curb sexually transmitted diseases. There seems to be a myth that not everyone is suspectible. Just not true. STDs and Herpes do not care whom they latch onto. A sad state of affairs, at least happening in the US, is that some women and men withhold information from a partner with regard to herpes. Some do it deliberately, not wanting to put a damper on a new relationship. Others conveniently "forget" to disclose, or claim that they had an outbreak years ago and forgot that it could be contagious. To those you can safely say, "Liar, Liar, pants on fire." Don't think because you are a doctor, lawyer, business executive or professor that you are safe because you are careful about the partners whom you choose -- STDs cut across all cultural lines. Go to this link -- and enjoy the music! Condom Ring Tones Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Sarah Palin Topples Gossip Girl

Rita Watson — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 04:01:17 +0000
How is it that searches for Sarah Palin have topped those of Gossip Girl?  Take a look at this release from Lycos.   And I think it is a terrific sign. People want to know, "Who is this woman from Alaska?" The blogs are abuzz with the pros and cons of a candidate who seems to have so little experience. Sarah Tops Searches   Though I am one of a few people who think she held her own last night  while Charles Gibson did some exasperated squirming. But she represents an oddity for Feminists, which is why Feminist writers are defending her as a woman even as they oppose her politics. However, for me -- the best story of all comes from Camilla Paglia in an article called "Fresh Blood for the Vampire." The Calf story: Perhaps Palin seemed perfectly normal to me because she resembles so many women I grew up around in the snow belt of upstate New York.. . Here's one episode. My father and his visiting brother, a dapper barber by trade, were standing outside having a smoke when a great noise came from the nearby barn. A calf had escaped. Our landlady yelled, "Stop her!" as the calf came careening at full speed toward my father and uncle, who both instinctively stepped back as the calf galloped through the mud between them. Irate, our landlady trudged past them to the upper pasture, cornered the calf, and carried that massive animal back to the barn in her arms. As she walked by my father and uncle, she exclaimed in amused disgust, "Men!" from Salon.com   from Camille Paglia I have some really strong opinions, some of which I have written about, some which I haven't published yet. But I am putting my thoughts together because I am feeling both anxious and relieved. We will have a president in the fall -- but just who, right now, seems to be the big question. So I am glued to the polls, can't get enough of them.   Go to the link on this blog to Real Clear Politics -- for articles from both sides of the aisle. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Sarah Palin on Abortion: What she REALLY said

Rita Watson — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 04:01:50 +0000
Women have a right to know what Sarah Palin really said about abortion and choice instead of reading edited excerpts. Women's Right to Know:  What follows is what SARAH PALIN said - verbatim from the video. GIBSON: Roe v. Wade, do you think it should be reversed? PALIN: I think it should and I think that states should be able to decide that issue. GIBSON: It's a critical issue for so many women. PALIN: It is. GIBSON: You believe women should not have that choice. PALIN: It is a very critical, very sensitive and a personal issue also for so many women and men across this nation. I am pro-life. I do respect other people's opinion on this, also, and I think that a culture of life is best for America. Because I know we can all agree on the need for and the desire for fewer abortions in America and greater support for adoption, for other alternatives that women can and should be empowered to embrace, to allow that culture of life. That's my personal opinion on this, Charlie. Abortion stand from Video (Click Part Three) This is RUSSELL GOLDMAN's transcript:  What is in brackets is not on the video. * GIBSON: Roe v. Wade, do you think it should be reversed? PALIN: I think it should and I think that states should be able to decide that issue... I am pro-life. I do respect other people's opinion on this, also, and I think that a culture of life is best for America... [What I want to do, when elected vice president, with John McCain, hopefully, be able to reach out and work with those who are on the other side of this issue,] because I know that we can all agree on the need for and the desire for fewer abortions in America and greater support for adoption, for other alternatives that women can and should be empowered to embrace, to allow that culture of life. That's my personal opinion on this, Charlie. Candidate Talks With Charles Gibson in Exclusive Interview By RUSSELL GOLDMAN Sept. 12, 2008 Politics The right to accuracy: Why do I feel it is important to read the interview exactly as presented in her words? Because women have a right to be quoted accurately. Also, as a woman I think Charles behaved like a condescending, pompous professor trying to let his words influence her words. In Perry Mason's world, he would have stood up and said, "I object, Your Honor."    Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Saturday Night Live with Hillary and Sarah

Rita Watson — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 04:01:53 +0000
Here is a laugh from Saturday Night Live. Hillary and Sarah

How to See a Lie: A Jury Consultant Tells All

Rita Watson — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 04:07:25 +0000
A little bit of distrust goes a long way. My investigation into lies that men and women tell is turning into a cottage industry. It all started out when a male friend of mine began telling me stories about a new woman in his life. He asked my opinion since it was a long distance stretch. The more I heard, the more suspicious I became.  The woman who had an ingenious knack for shading the truth -- to the point of telling outright lies.   Now frequently men who confide in me and ask my opinion become sulky and tell me that I am negative when I tell them the truth. They really want me to say, "It's all right to lie." Instead I say, "No, no, no. Lies are not good." Then they say that I am tough on their women. Not true. I am only tough on women who give women a bad name. However, my dear young friend from Paris set me straight -- "a resounding mais oui to women who lie." Read: From Paris with Love and Lies on this blog. So I guess I am trying to become more accepting of "white lies" and less tolerant of women (and men) who tell big lies -- about having a sexually transmitted disease or are in trouble with the law as poor Anne Hathaway discovered.   What I find to be so sad is that there are so many good people out there who come by relationships honestly that being duped by someone who lies is just unnecessary.   Nonetheless there must be something going around. The more I write about lies, the more readers write me and ask for more. So here goes, this one is a new book from a jury consultant Jo-Ellan Dimitrius. She has worked on over 600 trials -- from OJ Simpson to the Enron scandal. Her latest book is called: "Reading People: How to Understand People and Predict Their Behavior -- Anytime, Anyplace." It is a book about truth and lies. Reading People Additionally The Situation of Lying article posted by The Situationsit Staff in April excerpts a piece by Melaine Linder of Forbes citing research from a Brandeis University psychologist who points out that "the right pressures or incentives will cause anybody to lie."   What are your thoughts? The Situationist The Situationist is associated with The Project on Law and Mind Sciences at Harvard Law School. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Hotel Rooms: With or Without Passion Kits

Rita Watson — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 04:01:12 +0000
Remember when making a hotel reservation you were asked: "Smoking or non-smoking?" Soon you might be hearing: "With or without sex kits?" Some hotels boast heavenly mattresses and now at The Water Club, the Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa's ultra-posh luxury hotel, you have the option of purchasing a kit of sex and passion for $18.   Here is the catch. Take it off the shelf. Spend more than 60 seconds examining the contents from condoms to sex fun, and it it yours. Billed to you.   A little "Shag Kit" to tweak your interest is now on display there and judging from its popularity, it could become a national hotel sensation. For couples who are doing long distance and traditionally rendevous in a particular hotel, the place becomes routine, familiar even. So the little kits will be a bit of spice. I think the idea is rather ingenious. One of my friends always travels with the latest issue of Cosmo to bypass, "Tell me dear, how was your month?" This kind of moment happens when two high-powered people travel. Sure you get some news via phone calls and email. But I have long expounded that there is no substitute for learning to read the silences, the sighs, the smiles, the human touch. Well to bridge a few gaps, when each of you flies in from a different city, a sex kit might be a nice surprise. Now I wonder if you are a regular guest at the hotel, will there be a rotating kit so it doesn't become routine?  You can always call ahead and say, "Hello, we are regulars there. I would just like to remind you that we have already been through Kits 1 - 4. Is there something else you can recommend? For the adventuresome, it could be sensational. For two tired travelers, it could become, "The sex kit? Not again?" Perhaps there is no substitute for looking into someone's eyes and taking it from there.  Hotel Sex Kits Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

You Read it Here First: 365 Nights of Passion

Rita Watson — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 04:01:26 +0000
WebMD now has the story of 365 nights of sex. There have been at least three books about this, and we covered them all. On June 9th I wrote: "It seems that the concept of 365 days of love making has caught on. Couples in Providence, Charlotte, and Boulder are keeping loving alive.   Read the rest of this entry » Now there is a feature that appeared on the Internet this week and they note: "According to the National Opinion Research Center, the average American couple reports having sex 66 times a year. Newsweek has noted that 15% to 20% of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, which is defined as a "sexless" marriage." So if you are ready for a marathon of loving, read on: Lots of sex Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Why Do Men Cheat on their Wives?

Rita Watson — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 12:01:22 +0000
Men cheat. And women cheat. But today let's look at why men cheat on their wives. It was recently an Oprah feature. I write often about men and women who cheat and why it is important to value marriage. But today I am adding another expert to the mix. M. Gary Newman is a marriage counselor and author of a new book called, "The Truth About Cheating." Dr. Newman is a psychotherapist and rabbi who is married and has five children. He has also written about emotional infidelity. One of the surprise findings in his book is that men do not always cheat because of sex or lack thereof. But for me, the real shocker came in learning about the number of men who cheat -- "One in 2.7 men will have affairs!"   He apparently interviewed hundreds of men for his book in order to document his findings. He not only talks about why men cheat but also factors in their wives, not in a blaming sort of way, but as a way to empower women.   Another author, whom I write about often is Dr. Scott Haltzman.   His books are also aimed at empowering women and men to keep their marriages strong and loving. In talking about his newest book, "Secrets of Happily Married Women," he said: “Your actions can show your husband how to care for you. As you cater to your guy, he’s watching and learning what marriage means. He’s enjoying the love and care of his wife and will soon feel, if he doesn’t already, the desire to do the same for you.”   For now, here is the link to Oprah's interview with Gary Newman. Oprah interview Am also linking to the perspective of another blogger. Why Men Cheat: Marriage Counselor Gary Newman Explains Affairs .  Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen lives on Bowen Island, British Columbia (in Canada). Her website is theAdventurousWriter.com Here is a link to Gary Newman's Book at Amazon.com This week, I will pull together all of the articles on Cheating with separate links for easy reading. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The Big Drill with Nancy and Sarah

Rita Watson — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 04:01:45 +0000
Essentially, I write about relationships and sex, but when politics rears its ugly head -- I remain neutral, but opinionated. This post is the drill grill that both Nancy Pelosi and Sarah Palin can expect to be facing in the curious relationship between women, politics, and policies. Looking at two different perspectives, here is: Drilling for cover: Pelosi & Co.'s phony bill from the Union Leader in Vermont. Sarah Palin and Big Oil from Energy Wire. How committed are we to alternative sources of energy? The answers depend upon the people with whom we speak. Try putting a new source of energy on Cape Cod and Senator Kennedy and Clan mobilize their troops. No money is spared to keep windmills from spoiling their view. To read more pick up a copy of Cape Wind: Money, Celebrity, Class, Politics, and the Battle for Our Energy Future on Nantucket Sound by Wendy Williams and Robert Whitcomb, who is the Editorial Page Editor at the Providence Journal. Cape Wind at Amazon.com For a perspective from both sides of the aisle, go to Real Clear Politics Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Vets Need Us, Call Congress, Bolster Health and Relationships

Rita Watson — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 13:09:52 +0000
Will Congress Abandon Veterans' Legislation so vital to their health and relationships? It appears so. I am posting here a link to An Open Letter to Congress from the Disabled American Veterans. I wrote about the issue of health and relationships last February.  Be supportive. Call Congress today!   Veterans Today Newsletter . My article from the February's Providence Journal follows: Challenges for Returning Vets: Health and Relationship Havoc IT IS VALENTINE'S DAY every day that a young man or woman arrives home safely from Iraq or Afghanistan. But for returning veterans the war often comes back with them. Family, friends and lovers looking forward to normality often see soldiers struggling with health and relationships as they fall through medical-care cracks. One member of an elite combat unit seeking help in Rhode Island was told: "Not only are you not in the system, but you are listed here as ‘sensitive file.' I can't even confirm that you were in the military." This is an all too familiar story at Veterans Administration hospitals. Why? "When you are a soldier you are under the purview of the Department of Defense whereas at home you are under the Veterans Administration. Because of confidentiality rules, the two do not share medical records," says Anne Van Cott, a neurologist at the Veterans Administration Pittsburgh Health Care System. Dr. Van Cott is promoting awareness of traumatic brain injury (TBI), which can result from a blow to the head, concussion or a penetrating wound. Today's signature combat wounds are head and extremity injuries from blast exposure; about a third of those in combat are coming into contact with improvised explosive devices. TBI disrupts normal functions with mild to severe consequences and may develop into post-traumatic epilepsy. Seizures from this disorder can range from the hardly noticeable to disabling. Veterans must be alerted to the wide range of symptoms, and if they experience any of them, find a V.A. hospital for diagnosis and early treatment. The situation with brain injury and epilepsy in veterans is so serious and widespread that at a recent American Epilepsy Society meeting of neurologists, Marc Dichter, M.D., a neurology and pharmacology professor at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, outlined "Operation Giveback" to create better access to care nationwide and develop comprehensive information networks. In addition to physical injuries, some vets are homeless, without jobs, and are turning to drugs and alcohol. Within nine months of civilian life, a model soldier in a state unit developed a severe drinking problem, abandoned his family and drained the bank account. Family relationships are so strained that the military reports a divorce rate up to 53 percent among enlisted men, with numbers on the rise among officers. One young physician, Maj. Daniel O'Connor, of the Massachusetts Army National Guard, recently served at a triage station in Iraq for wounded soldiers and civilians. He believes that most families are resilient enough to weather the relationship stress of one deployment. But he pointed out that "by the end of the second or third deployment, and as many as three years away from home, many relationships start to suffer. When you factor in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that affects so many soldiers, even the strongest relationships will suffer." His opinion is underscored by Capt. (ret.) Charles Reade, of Barrington. Also a Providence businessman, he was commander of an operational Green Beret "A Team" within the 10th Special Forces Group in Germany and a combat adviser and troop commander in Vietnam. Serving as a volunteer Army deputy chaplain since 2004, he has held pastoral-care and depression/suicide-prevention classes and works with fresh-from-combat Army recruiters. Chaplain Reade said, "I often receive calls from family and friends asking me to give a touch of God's love to a veteran. I see in returning warriors a broken spirit. They come home and have flashbacks. They have great difficulty tolerating daily life or relaxing. Their family partners have been running the household in their absence and they want to jump back in and make family decisions because they were trained to be decisive. This creates conflict and frequently results in domestic abuse." He added, "Sometimes I see young men and women affected by PTSD who have lost their ability to be intimate. They have lost hope, positive feelings for the future, peacefulness, spontaneity, their wholeness. They have lost trust in almost everyone including their families. They have lost their ‘awe' to believe that there could be anything greater than that which inflicted the original pain." In this election year, war is no longer foremost on our minds though we look for dates that will signal its end. However, for those who did the fighting for us, now struggling with their health and relationships, there may be no end in sight. It seems that insufficient dollars and system policies are thwarting veterans from receiving the medical care they need. Where is the outrage? from the Providence Journal on Sunday, February 3, 2008 Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Condoms: Protection, Party Favors, Ring Tones and No Lies

Rita Watson — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 04:01:27 +0000
The condom ring tones are a terrific novelty. So are the party favor condoms. But listening and looking do protect against babies or liars! Without incriminating anyone, we went on a condom hunt one night in Boston. We wondered why it is so difficult to get men to wear condoms. Well, it didn't take long to figure out that there are more choices regarding condoms than there were shoes in Imelda's closet. It takes a long time to read and try to make sense of the choices.   And so, I am going to send all of you out there in the Blogsphere to do that research yourselves -- or surely you are near a drug store! But in the interim, here it is again: Condom Ring Tones the story, and www.condomcondom.org, the sound. Condon party favors: Party Favors And from Mayo Clinic, condom use: Mayo Clinic on Condoms Keep in mind that the goal of a condom is to help curb sexually transmitted diseases in addition to preventing conception. There seems to be a myth that not everyone is suspectible to herpes or STDs. Just not true. STDs and Herpes do not care whom they latch onto. A sad state of affairs, at least happening in the US, is that some women and men are withholding information from a partner with regard to herpes. Some do it deliberately, not wanting to put a damper on a new relationship. Others conveniently “forget” to disclose, or claim that they had an outbreak years ago and forgot that it could be contagious. To this group I have no problem in saying,  ”Liar, Liar, pants on fire.” Don’t think because you are a doctor, lawyer, business executive or professor that you are safe because you are careful about the partners whom you choose — STDs cut across all cultural lines. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The Love Myth and Online Dating

Rita Watson — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 04:01:05 +0000
We live in a love addicted society. When one relationship ends, we are so terrified of "Alone" that we jump right back into love. To keep our hearts from breaking and to save us from the monster called "Alone" we often deceive ourselves and others for a religion called "relationship." We date and we date. And when we still can't find the love of our dreams we go online.  Fun for a while. But here is the downside from Shine! Too Picky Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Is it Cougar Love? Take the Quiz

Rita Watson — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 04:01:33 +0000
Those Cougars in the headlines again. In fact, there was a real cougar siting in Virginia. But let's talk about our favorite Cougars. It seems that Cougars are back in the news. And we are a bit perplexed by all of the publicity. Why the popularity of it all? It seems that older women who date younger men are confident and not afraid to be both nurturing and sexy at the same time. Older and younger There was a Cougar-fest in New York in August Cougar fest and there is now a boytoy website in the UK. Whereas men who date younger women often do so because they are afraid of getting old. They somehow feel that the younger woman will help them to feel young again. Was this the case with Harrison Ford and Ally McBeal? And was this Sir Paul McCartney’s mistake? But what about men who date younger women? One friend told me that oftentimes younger women “are looking for a meal ticket.” And the men need to be reassured that they are still attractive. However, the tide is turning. Internet dating sites are reporting that younger women are more reluctant to date older men these days. Only about 25% of women are looking to date men 10 years older. Chicks-Dig-Younger looking-Men And the BBC reports an increase in marriages between younger men and older women. However to find out your compatibility regardless of age, take this quiz.  Ageless Love Quiz. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Are We Enjoying Sex? Take this Quiz and Find Out

Rita Watson — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 03:27:01 +0000
Sometimes I wonder if we as a nation are losing interest in sex. I know that sex quizzes and questions sometimes seem to dominate the Internet.   But do we spend more time talking about sex than we do enjoying sex? And if so, why? British sites tell us that young people today are too stressed out and working too many hours to appreciate the value of a good relationship. Great-grandma was ahead of her time. When she came to America to celebrate her 90th birthday and visit her 12 children, the party invitation read: "No presents, just negligees made of French silk." As she opened gifts she fingered the fabric and smiled, "Grazia." When she died at 104, her young lover was 80. It was then that we learned of her amorous ways. The universities of Chicago and Toronto studied 3,005 men and women between ages 57 to 85, and reported that two-thirds of those in their 70s are having sex at least twice a month. Some continue into their 80s. An interesting finding is that while both genders admit to sexual issues, men tend to talk to their doctors about them while women tend not to. The explanation is simple. Men have an advocate in Bob Dole. War hero and retired Republican senator from Kansas, he took to the airwaves nearly 10 years ago and helped spawn an industry talking about ED - erectile dysfunction. Why do people have sex anyway? Psychologists at the University of Texas, Austin, asked 2,000 people and compiled a list of 237 reasons. For both men and women the top three reasons stated: attraction to the person; physical pleasure; and because "it feels good." Wondering about sex and relationships? Take this quiz. The Sex Quiz Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Sex and the City Stars Dish, Sarah Palin on Video

Rita Watson — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 04:01:46 +0000
The fashionistas had their say about Sarah on the Red Carpet. Here is the video. The ladies from Sex in the City have been hearing a lot about Sarah Palin's style from glasses to dress. What are their thoughts about style and substance? http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/showbiz/2008/09/22/sbt.sex.and.the.city.stars.cnn

Love, Marriage, and Compatibility

Rita Watson — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 04:01:08 +0000
Do opposites really attract or should we be looking for a complementary opposite? A complementary opposite is someone who fills in our differences and together the two of you become whole. And to see what research and wisdom have to say on the topic, here are some quizzes, quotes, and links. Happy Loving! Ultimate-compatibility  While I think that we should all attract our complementary opposite, one that completes our personality, you might enjoy seeing what research says about compatibility. Take this quiz from LifeScript to help you determine if you are in the right relationship. Or are you in the wrong relationship and heading for heartbreak? Are You Dating the Right Person While I try to remain "neutral but opinionated" we can always count on Maureen Dowd of the New York Times to tell it like it is. Men to Avoid - those who have no friends, can be stepped on, or are tied to Mama's apron strings. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Dodd, Obama, Kerry Top Fannie and Freddie List

Rita Watson — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 03:01:23 +0000
Recipients of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac political contributions according to the Center for Responsive Politics: Open Secrets

Truth, Politics, Bedfellows and Lies

Rita Watson — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 04:01:33 +0000
Strange Bedfellows: Head of the Banking Committee, Chris Dodd was the top recipient of political contributions from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. And . . . . . . according to a report from the Center for Responsive Politics, John Kerry came in second and Barack Obama, third. BUT if you figure that Obama has only been in serious politics for about half the number of years served by Dodd and Kerry -- wouldn't that put him on top of the list? And now comes along Bill Clinton who says the Democrats are partially responsible for the Fannie and Freddie mess. Here is the link   Bubba Says Dems Share Blame Off to Washington goes John McCain and the darts are flying. But let's step back a bit and look at the problem from another perspective. If a major financial crisis was taking place in your own family -- and you might be called upon to take over the family finances -- would you:

Sit it out and say, "I have more important things to do?"

Would you want to participate in the outcome?

Would you want to be there to just sit and listen and watch the dynamics?

Would you trust to hear about the deal-making and results second hand?

If there is a chance you might be the next president and inherit the mess, you might want to there -- particularly if you are being accused on being on the side of the family that is being targeted for creating the mess.    (John McCain must be sending roses to Bubba tonight.) EYES AND LIES: You want to be there for the family crisis.   And in politics, you definitely want to see the whites of your friends' eyes, your foes' eyes. You want to see the smirks, the facial expressions, and assess the body language. There are two links here: One from a former FBI agent who tells how to interpret body language and lies. Another from the Center for Responsive Politics. A TAKER'S LIST: Recipients of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac political contributions: Open Secrets BODY LANGUAGE AND LIES: There is a slide presentation from former FBI agent Joe Navarro presented by the WashingtonPost.com called Every body’s talking. The article has an embedded slide show presentation called “What We Say Without Words.” It is crystal clear. Those critical of anyone's efforts to help solve the financial mess should stop the finger pointing and roll up their sleeves. Every time you point a finger at another -- three fingers point back to you! Of course, those of you who know that I don't own a television are saying, "What does she know about this?"   And I will tell you. Very little. I just know that sometimes in life being there and listening is more valuable than interpreting someone else's interpretation. Whichever candidate inherits this financial nightmare will be the wiser for participating in history unfolding. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Bubba Says Dems Share Blame for Financial Crisis!

Rita Watson — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 16:13:34 +0000
The drama unfolds: Bill Clinton says the Democrats are partially responsible for the mess. Here is the link   Bubba Says Dems Share Blame   Copyright 2008 Rita Watson / Bubba

The Youngest Cougar and an Old Tale Revealed

Rita Watson — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 04:01:52 +0000
The youngest Cougar in Tinseltown may be Drew Barrymore. It is all over the news. Drew Barrymore, age 33, was with -- well a bit closer than with -- a 21 one year old. Read all about it. Cougar kisses In fact Cougars can be in their 30s although most of us think of Cougars as being closer to Samantha's age in Sex in the City. And in real life, Kim Cantrell does not disappoint us. And now for a bit of history.   Robert Wagner at 22 was having an affair with Barbara Stanwyck, age 43. He just admitted it. And the UK's Daily Mail has the story. A Secret Cougar Affair Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Paul Newman: He Introduced Himself to Me as "Paul"

Rita Watson — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 03:30:52 +0000
It was during the fellows and faculty line-up at Yale about 10 years ago that I rushed into place and didn't realize I was walking with Paul Newman until I saw those eyes. Yale does not announce those who are to be given honorary degrees. Many people learn the night before either at the Baccalaureate address, at the President's dinner, or through a whisper. For some reason -- which truly escapes me right now -- we were by the Provost's office walking to our respective colleges. The routine with honorary degree recipients: All the colleges line up on campus before we march through the Downtown Green -- and then we create a border as the President, Provost, and honorary degree recipients walk past us.  As an associate fellow at Ezra Stiles College, it happens that we are always in the front rows. But this time we were rushing down the stairs towards campus. The special person in my life was not so discreetly pointing to me and nodding his head from the sidelines. I just waved. Finally he mouthed a word that sounded like "Paul."   I shrugged not quite understanding him and he waved good-bye. Blue stars twinkling: We quickened our pace and there was no chatting. We had a destination.  But suddenly the lines slowed and we had a minute to catch our breath. I exchanged some pleasantries with the gentleman next to me shielding my eyes from the sun. And that's when it happened. In the middle of a morning of blue sky and sunshine, the stars came out and twinkled blue. "Oh, I seem to know you," I uttered. "I'm Paul," he said, extending his hand. The man next to me was not nearly the giant I perceived him to be. Perhaps his stature is something I attributed to his character and the fact that I loved the devotion that we saw with Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. Beer-drinking buddies: How is it that Roger special person recognized him immediately? It seems that before a movie, Paul needed a Texas twang. He was at Yale visiting and so one of the directors pulled together a few friends from Texas. Roger still has a bit of a Texas drawl and after he and Paul talked through the night -- with pitchers of beer -- by morning, both Roger and Paul could have hailed from Fort Worth. I remembered this story just last week after learning that my neighbor's daughter has had the priviledge to work at Camp Hole in the Wall, which Paul Newman supported. As I reflected on this today, I realize that through his movies, his charities, his larger than life humility -- he has left us a breath-taking legacy.   Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

A Kiss of Friendship, A Kiss of Danger, and Cheating

Rita Watson — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 03:22:58 +0000
Sometimes a kiss is more than a kiss. Sometimes it turns into friends with benefits, and in some cases, it signals the beginning of a dangerous liaison. When we first saw the kissing lesson on Boston Legal last season, we had no idea it would turn into friends with benefits! While traditionally associated with two people who enjoy each other’s company but do not wish to make the commitment, in fact, some FWB relationships take a romantic turn. And sometimes, a kiss becomes dangerous: If you are lying for love and telling yourself that the married man or woman with whom you are involved is really the love of your life — then it is may just be another excuse to avoid commitment. If you need the passion of an illicit affair (whether in marriage or the boundrary violation of teacher and student -- Crossing the line, media report — then watch a movie. Here we present the great beach scene From Here to Eternity embedded. And despite the number of times I say that I like to remain “Neutral but opinionated” — when it comes to infidelity — infidelity is adultry, is cheating, is infidelity. Married But Cheating Cheating in Marriage: According to M. Gary Newman, father or five and a Rabbi, in his new book The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It, we learn that 92 percent say it was not about sex.  Of the nearly one in THREE men who cheat, he tells us that "The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures." The full transcript of his interview with Oprah can be found on an earlier posting Why Men Cheat We also know from reseearch that men do not appreciate being criticized. "How many times have I told you?" can be a deal breaker.  In  "The Neuroscience of Leadership," David Rock and Jeffrey Schwartz, point out positive ways to bring about change: "Leave problem behaviors in the past; focus on identifying and creating new behaviors. The full article is in: Strategy and Business Healing After Infidelity: Although Mayo Clinic tells us that a relationship and marriage can be healed after infidelity, recovering from a betrayal of trust is not easy. It is much better to find a way to talk to each other before the damage is done. Infidelity Practice forgiving. It is a lot simpler than you might think.

Write down the one thing that is bothering you about your spouse or lover.

Ask yourself what role you are playing in problem.

Then write ten positive qualities of your partner. A friend who long practiced Religious Science says it takes ten positives to cancel out one negative.

Begin to see yourself interacting with the positive person with whom you fell in love.

Take a chance and embrace change, a change in thinking from anger to forgiveness. It will do wonders for your heart and may save your marriage or relationship. And if you still think you need that illicit affair, perhaps you can live vicariously on this beach! Hot kisses: If you missed the stories about the Cougars, just go to the search bar -- the Cougars are about to sizzle the TV screens with the fall line-up. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson: A Kiss of Friendship, A Kiss of Danger, and Cheating

Nancy Pelosi: Relationship Wins Take Honey Not Castor Oil

Rita Watson — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 04:01:49 +0000
Nancy Pelosi's words before the bail out vote yesterday reminded me of a scene from The Blues Brothers. Remember when the nun took her ruler to the knuckles of those bad boys?  They deserved it, Nancy. No question. But when someone else has something you want, it is better to chose your words wisely than swing around a ruler. Instead of extending an olive branch Nancy spooned out caster oil. In fairness to her lack of tact - the old boys could have ignored her words and simply invoked a philosophy that says, "Unkind words are not about you, they are about the person who speaks them." Republicans blamed Pelosi's tongue lashing for squelching success.  Here is a reprint from The Swamp, The Chicago Tribune's Washington Bureau which conjures up the image of the cow who gives a good bucket of milk and then kicks it over. Nancy went from -- "Today we must act for those Americans, for Main Street, and we must act now, with the bipartisan spirit of cooperation which allowed us to fashion this legislation...." To an apparent addition to the transcript: "For too long this government, eight years, has followed a right-wing ideology of anything goes, no supervision, no discipline, no regulation."    Full Transcript Nancy,  let's pretend it is Halloween. You gather all the trick or treaters and say, "We each have a piece of candy in our hands - it is called a vote. If we all put our candy into this great big plastic pumpkin made from melted down credit cards - we can stand united and bail out the economy. I am ready to give up my candy. "But I am not happy about giving up my candy, because it's all your fault you right wingers took all the candy you wanted, no supervision, no discipline, no regulation. " (Perhaps Nancy missed the part where Bubba pointed a finger at this own party and said, "We are all to blame." Bubba ) I have images of her cracking that ruler and saying, "Now step up to the plastic pumpkin and drop in your vote." I guess what happened is this: a lot of men said, "To hell with you. You have enough candy on your side of the aisle to fill the great pumpkin - you take responsibility." Should men have ignored her and acted more responsibly? Read what I really write about most of the time - sex and relationships - and you will see that tone of voice can be a deal breaker. And don't ask what happens when men hear the words -- "How many times have I told you?" And that is precisely what Nancy was saying. Did Nancy forgot the first rule of creating a win-win? If the person across the table has something that you want, you smile despite what you are thinking? With politics we are really talking about a big dysfunctional family -- it is all about relationships. It seems that woman have more difficulty with a win-win than men. When in fact, we should be the diplomats. In a win-win situation everyone wins something and everyone must give up something. There are three questions to consider for a win-win.

What is it that I really need to feel as if I am winner?

What is it that I am willing to give up?

If I win, then what?

Here are four tips from The TACT® Strategies.

Take A Minute

Assess the Situation

Consider the Alternatives

Take a Stand (This is where we close the deal. )

Taking a stand!

Make sure your stance is clearly known

Do not underestimate strategies and timing aimed at success

Be willing to negotiate a win-win situation

Proceed with confidence

If I am sounding a bit condescending right now, Nancy, it is because women of the world are looking at you to act like a leader instead of a Blues Brothers ruler-wielding nun. Hidden Agenda Hell If you don't think words matter to men, read Sexual Shutout in Hidden Agenda Hell. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

A Good Book, Sex, Forgiveness Helps Sleep Even in Crisis

Rita Watson — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 04:17:01 +0000
Whether it takes a good book, good music, or good sex to send you off to dreamland, do what it takes — even if you have to forgive someone! Stay away from the TV: You owe it to your health, your body, and your mind to sleep well. Don't let the financial crisis deprive you of sleep. People always look at me strangely when I tell them that I have no television. I don't really. Why? Because there is seldom good news on TV and if I want to see episodes that make me laugh -- it's Boston Legal or Pushing Daisies or Perry Mason reruns.   Before you go to bed at night, you want to feel peace. What about make-up sex? So many of you ask me that question. If you don't believe in make-up sex -- just don't fight! Medical research: Physicians at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center have determined that missing even one hour of sleep a night can impair your thinking and stiffle your ability to make good decisions.    Anger and the financial crisis: There is also something Biblical about anger — a phrase which my grandmother often quoted: “Never let the sun set on your anger.” Anger makes you toss and turn. AND the real problem with anger is that it harms you, not the person or situation that is the object of your anger. You can do very little about this financial crisis -- OK so I railed about Nancy Pelosi in my last blog. I'm over it. And she doesn't even know that she had me steaming. What sleep patterns say: Ever wonder about the way in which you sleep? Take a look at these sleep positions and learn what each says about you. Sleep Patterns Tell   Or Read this WebMD feature. Sleep-Disorders . Chronic sleep deprivation, even if you only lose one or two hours of sleep a night, will impact your ability to make good choices. So the decision here is an obvious one — to sleep, perchance to dream. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Loving and Hugging Can Ease Financial Stress

Rita Watson — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 03:08:50 +0000
There are often stories about the value of human touch. During these tough financial times instead of wringing our hands, perhaps we should be reaching out. Monday during the day of doldrums when the financial world looked as if it was going belly up, Sharon Jayson for USA Today wrote about a new study in which researchers found that a warm touch can temper stress and blood pressure. The study was performed on 34 young married couple, but it noted that it could have an affect on seniors. It is difficult to do such a study on seniors because so many are taking medications that might confound results. This is too bad because studies are beginning to show that widowed and divorced men over age 65 who are alone are more prone to depression and suicide. Nonetheless, researchers are suggesting even this group can benefit. Healing Touch Seniors and Wall Street: The news today was dire for seniors - one conservative writer suggested that 401Ks might be best used with kindling wood! I am more optimistic - not just an incurably romantic, but an optimistic one as well. As such, I am reprinting here my piece on Sex and Smiling Seniors that originally appeared in the Providence Journal.  Some people jump into bed and pull the covers over their heads -- I have another thought -- jump into bed with someone you love. So take your mind off the market - there is very little we can do anyway, and think about hugging, loving, and even a little bit of sex. Sex and Smiling Seniors (adapted from my Providence Journal Column) Great-grandma was ahead of her time. When she came to America to celebrate her 90th birthday and visit her 12 children, the party invitation read: "No presents, just negligees made of French silk." As she opened gifts she fingered the fabric and smiled, "Grazia." When she died at 104, her young lover was 80. It was then that we learned of her amorous ways. But these days, if you have young children, when you do get to bed at night, you have only one thought in mind - sleep. If you are a business couple, married to laptops and e-mail gadgets, you don't even get to bed every night. But if you are in your senior years and smiling coyly, you might be one of those who enjoys sex regularly, as reported recently in the New England Journal of Medicine. The universities of Chicago and Toronto studied 3,005 men and women between ages 57 to 85, and reported that two-thirds of those in their 70s are having sex at least twice a month. Some continue into their 80s. An interesting finding is that while both genders admit to sexual issues, men tend to talk to their doctors about them while women tend not to. The explanation is simple. Men have an advocate in Bob Dole. War hero and retired Republican senator from Kansas, he took to the airwaves nearly 10 years ago and helped spawn an industry talking about ED - erectile dysfunction. The pharmaceutical companies still applaud him, as do content men and oftentimes the younger women on their arm. Not all older gentlemen want trophy wives. Although the following words were mistakenly attributed to Andy Rooney, we still love them: "Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart! Her libido is stronger. Her appreciation of experienced lovemaking is honed and reciprocal. And she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of." Why do people have sex anyway? Psychologists at the University of Texas, Austin, asked 2,000 people and compiled a list of 237 reasons. For both men and women the top two reasons stated: attraction to the person; physical pleasure. When dual-career couples take to their separate bedrooms, they forgo the spontaneity and connection that keeps physical loving alive. Despite Alzheimer's, whenever my father, Vincent, shakes someone's hand, he always remembers to say: "If we touch each other more, we hurt each other less." Are seniors telling us that sex is really human touch - the ultimate expression of caring and friendship? In a world of chaos and uncertainty, perhaps seniors are experiencing what young couples and professionals are missing - intimate moments that restore our spirit, reaffirm our humanity, and give us reason to exchange a discreetly knowing smile. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

An After-Debate Mood Booster for These Turmoil Times

Rita Watson — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 04:01:17 +0000
With all the political, social, and economic turmoil that we have been experiencing these days, it is time to boost your mood. The debate is over -- whether you are happy with the results or not, forget politicis for a moment. If you’ve never looked through the world with rose-colored glasses now may be the time! Not only will a hearty dose of optimism cheer you, but a positive outlook can also dramatically improve your health. And let's remember the value of gratitude. Even when the world seems to be falling apart around you, find something for which to feel grateful. It is important to your health. LOW RESISTENCE: Everyone knows how easy it is to pick up a cold when “you’re resistance is low.” New studies now urge us to be as mindful of our moods and attitudes as we are of our physical health. Research from medical centers around the world conclude that hostility, cynicism, depression, and stress contribute significantly to the onset of illness and also slow down recovery. Conversely, minor changes in attitude can bring about major positive changes in health. The Decision Making Tips Mood Boosters will make you feel both happier and healthier. First tip! SPEND TIME WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY “Good times spent with friends and family are a tonic for the spirit but may also be good for the body,” says David Spiegel, M.D., of Stanford University in California. Indeed, the risk to health associated with being socially isolated is of “the same order of magnitude as the risk that accompanies smoking or having high cholesterol levels,” Spiegal says. The Journal of the American Medical Association reported that when healthy volunteers were infected with a cold virus, those more involved with friends, family, work, and church groups didn’t get sick. Conversely, the volunteers who were loners, and had few social contacts readily picked up the colds. Spiegel notes that we tend to lose sight of the fact that humans are social creatures. “Social support is a stress buffet,” he says. “My prescription for good health is to take one friend or family members at least three times a day as needed.” INSTANT MOOD BOOSTERS: Here are some things you can do right now to boost your mood From SHINE Copyright 2008 Rita Watson / Syndicated through Newstex.com

Managing Stress With or Without Medication

Rita Watson — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 04:01:58 +0000
Everyone knows stress these days. We know it at the gas pump. When our bills arrive. When our savings plummet. We also how stressful divorce, job loss, or a move to another part of the country can be. But the impact of less obvious stress-producing events often go unrecognized. These more subtle stressors, such as an unfulfilling job, a rocky marriage, or just sitting in commuter traffic day in and day out, can suppress the immune system. That leaves the body open to infection disease, and muscle weakness, according to Bruce McEwen, Ph.D, of Rockefeller University in New York City, who reported his findings in the New England Journal of Medicine. We can handle acute stress when we must-both the good stress of working toward a difficult goal and the bad stress caused by some kind of calamity. When the stressful period ends, our bodies gradually return to normal functioning. Chronic stress: However, if we are in a “state of chronic stress, hormones gradually produce harmful changes in blood pressure, blood sugar levels, and cholesterol levels,” notes McEwen. Without realizing it, subtle stress has made us ill. In more recent research, McEwen and colleagues found that, contrary to the long-held belief that humans or animals cannot grow new brain cells once they reach adulthood, monkeys constantly make new brain cell sin an area of the brain used for forming long-term memories. But the brain stops producing these new cells when the animals are under stress. If this happens in animals, the researchers wonder, why not in humans? This is all the more reason to keep stress at bay. Dealing with life's stressors: How can you deal with life’s subtle stressors? The first order of business is to try to get a good night’s sleep. If you go through the day dragging your heels or some other part of your anatomy, you’ll find it difficult to deal with much of anything. Then, try to alleviate those minor irritations that leave you feeling grumpy or out of sorts. Break up your day by going for a short walk at lunch. Change your routine if you can. Take a different route to work or back home. If you’re at home during the day, vary the order in which typically do things. If you always go to the market in the morning, wait until after lunch. If you visit the library in the evening, switch to the afternoon for a while. The changes don’t have to earth-shattering, but they should give you the feeling that you’re looking at life from a slightly different angle. Medications: But if stress continues, and you can't shake it off, there are medications to help you reduce stress.  Medications when properly prescribed, properly taken, and under proper supervision by a physician can be an invaluable mood booster to those who need them. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson / Syndicated by Newstex.com Adapted from New Choices article by Rita Watson, Copyright 2007 Watson

The Week in Review: Finances, Politics, and Stress

Rita Watson — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 04:00:56 +0000
It has been a tumultuous week. We bring you a recap of the stories from stress to finances to politics. Managing Stress with or without Medication: Everyone knows stress these days. We know it at the gas pump. When our bills arrive. When our savings plummet. Read the rest of this entry » Mood Booster for Stressful Times: With all the political, social, and economic turmoil that we have been experiencing these days, it is time to boost your mood. Read the rest of this entry »
Loving and Hugging Can Ease Financial Stress: There are often stories about the value of human touch. During these tough financial times instead of wringing our hands, perhaps we should be reaching out. Read the rest of this entry » A Good Book, Sex, Forgiveness Helps Sleep Even in Crisis: Whether it takes a good book, good music, or good sex to send you off to dreamland, do what it takes — even if you have to forgive someone! Read the rest of this entry » Nancy Pelosi: Honey not Castor Oil: Nancy Pelosi’s words before the bail out vote yesterday reminded me of a scene from The Blues Brothers. Read the rest of this entry » A Kiss of riendship,a Kiss of Danger, and Cheating: Sometimes a kiss is more than a kiss. Sometimes it turns into friends with benefits, and in some cases, it signals the beginning of a dangerous liaison. Read the rest of this entry »

This coming week: Watch for Cougar Love and Financial Hints -- this is financial planning week.

Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

A Tumultuous Week in Review

Rita Watson — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 16:04:17 +0000
It has been a tumultuous week. We bring you a recap of the stories from stress to finances to politics. Managing Stress with or without Medication: Everyone knows stress these days. We know it at the gas pump. When our bills arrive. When our savings plummet. Read the rest of this entry » Mood Booster for Stressful Times: With all the political, social, and economic turmoil that we have been experiencing these days, it is time to boost your mood. Read the rest of this entry » Loving and Hugging Can Ease Financial Stress: There are often stories about the value of human touch. During these tough financial times instead of wringing our hands, perhaps we should be reaching out. Read the rest of this entry » A Good Book, Sex, Forgiveness Helps Sleep Even in Crisis: Whether it takes a good book, good music, or good sex to send you off to dreamland, do what it takes - even if you have to forgive someone! Read the rest of this entry » Nancy Pelosi: Honey not Castor Oil: Nancy Pelosi's words before the bail out vote yesterday reminded me of a scene from The Blues Brothers. Read the rest of this entry » A Kiss of Friendship, a Kiss of Danger, and Cheating: Sometimes a kiss is more than a kiss. Sometimes it turns into friends with benefits, and in some cases, it signals the beginning of a dangerous liaison. Read the rest of this entry » This coming week: Watch for Cougar Love and Financial Hints -- this is financial planning week. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Money, Marriage, Stress, and Sex

Rita Watson — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 04:01:12 +0000
This is financial planning week. Each day this week I will point you to a website that will help you with some serious decisions, ranging from money to sex and stress. But first I am reprinting a column I wrote recently that captures the essense of many of the problems couples face when it comes to money. And then I am going to tell you about a few organizations that I will be highlighting this week as we discuss relationships and money. Money, Marriage, Sex, and Secrets MONEY DOESN'T CARE who owns it," was a favorite saying of our Aunti Mame. She lived lavishly even during what she called "modest times." Once we left the nest, we realized that Aunti was right. Money does not assure good taste or good manners. It does, however, provide comfort and sometimes freedom from stress. Nonetheless even in cushy two-income households money and sex (or lack thereof) are the top reasons for divorce. It seems that more sex buys more happiness than money can buy. Love and Money Survey: However, the 2008 "Love and Money" survey of 1,049 people found that over 73 percent of women viewed financial know-how as a more important factor in choosing a potential partner than attractiveness. Money Management International (MMI), the largest nonprofit credit counseling agency in the United States, conducted the survey. "The problem is that most couples don't talk about money," says Brooks P. Bartlett Sr., managing director of Lighthouse Financial Group, a division of Metlife. "We spoke with one couple during a rather sad divorce and the woman said to us, ‘Look around. Do you see all of this beauty? We can't afford any of it. We are broke. I just learned about this and my husband is in denial!' Bartlett added, "Couples need to have a plan for their money." Suze says: Suze Orman, author of The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom, is trying to help women and men cope with mounting debt and develop a relationship with and respect for their money. Then there is the Women's Institute for Financial Education (WIFE.org), which offers sound advice as well as a tongue-in-cheek guide to translating what "he says" and "she says." One young husband said, "Whenever we have an argument over money, my wife goes on a spending spree. Then even when I get over my anger and I try to talk with her rationally, I go from hearing ‘no make-up sex for you' to the silent treatment." Money, sex, and sleep: What happens in this type of situation? Each will go to bed angry. Husband and wife won't sleep. And the next day neither will have a clear enough head to talk about the issue. Carl W. Brazil, M.D., Ph.D, a neurologist at the College of Physicians and Surgeons at Columbia University, says that even losing an hour or two of sleep a night can compromise how a person processes information or uses information to make judgments. When two people marry, and they have their own money-management or-mismanagement styles, they might guard money or debt as if they were holding onto a secret significant other. Experts agree that making a list of what comes in and what goes out, and having a dialogue instead of tossing accusations at each other about spending habits are important for a sound financial foundation. Becoming Financially Savy: Financial literacy is becoming a new slogan in our economy. The Business Council and the Conference Board Survey of Chief Executives released in February found that more than 85 percent of members see conditions in the U.S. economy as having deteriorated during the past six months, "and 77 percent expect that conditions will worsen in the next six months." The Federal Reserve reported consumer debt topping $2.5 trillion in December, exclusive of mortgages. It is not surprising that the Associated Press said last week that people are saving less and borrowing more from their retirement accounts. Families are understandably worried. Bruce R. Hrovat, executive vice president and chief operating officer for Citizens Financial Group, has this advice: "Save consistently. Be consistent. Just save what you can and keep on saving. It's the time value of money. Eventually it will add up."   (Providence Journal (600 word adaptation) Financial Planning Week Here is a look at the wide range of events taking place this week. Watch this site for information from the Women's Institute for Financial Education (WIFE), Money Management International (MMI), and Suze Orman as well as updates on how finances affect relationships. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Decisions Affecting Your Relationship with Money

Rita Watson — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 03:08:27 +0000
Today all couples and single people are worried about their finances and rightly so. In fact, this past July, even before the honeymoon was over, June brides were seeing articles on personal finance appear in the news encouraging couples to pay down their debt. Marriage and money: This article by writer Linda Stern presents an interview with seven suggestions on how to manage money. She says in this piece for Reuters that what happens with money at the beginning of marriage might well affect the outcome. Personal Finance Separate emotions from money: In today's ever-so-risky economy, here are some thoughts:  Suze Orman, on Oprah.com, she tells us how to separate our emotions from our money. This is a very emotional time and we do need to keep our wits about us as we try to see our way through this financial crisis that is becoming a world crisis. Suze says Keep On Saving: From WIFE.org, there is this advice, "In times of financial turbulence it is tempting to cut back on retirement saving. But it's better to be saving than sorry! Here's why you can't afford to stop!" from WIFE Decisions: Making money decisions is about choices and with decision-making one is sometimes presented with differing and sometimes competing alternatives. Sometimes decision-making involves taking a risk. As such, a wise decision-maker goes through a process that involves evaluating the pros and cons. A good decision-makers:

Generates options and alternatives to address problems and opportunities.

Brainstorms.

Takes the time to think through the consequences of decisions.

Writes out options.

Chooses appropriate actions with consideration for implications and consequences.

Commits to action by taking a firm stand on decisions without wasting time.

Informs others of decisions and actions taken.

Takes initiative to re-establish priorities if necessary.

Generates alternative thinking.

Evaluates time lines to know when to re-adjust.

Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Money and Love Answers in Tough Relationship Times

Rita Watson — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 03:53:31 +0000
Therapists are telling us that the number one reason that couples are seeking counseling these days centers around money concerns. Money is one of the top reasons for divorce. Despite the economic downturn, it is not a time to blame or accuse. It is a time for couples to pull together, pool resources, make a realistic budget and take a serious look at what they need to do to strengthen and support each other and their family In an effort to bring you a wide range of ideas on what to do during these difficult relationship times, we are bringing you different thoughts and ideas from a variety of sources. A sampling of questions from AARP News: The following is a list of questions asked by readers of the AARP News-these are questions that even young couples are asking. Here are the questions. Q. Over the past year I have moved most of my retirement money to bonds or bond funds ... It now appears that bonds go down when the market goes down, but they don't recover when the market goes up....Does this make sense, and what do I do? Q. I've heard that pension benefits may be one of the casualties of the economic crisis. I've been retired for four years. Is my pension safe if my former company fails? Q. What's the latest with the financial rescue plan? Q. Is my money safe? I have most of it in a bank account and invested in money market mutual funds. Q. My bank, Wachovia, was just bought out. What does that mean for me? Q. The Wall Street drama and the volatile stock market are making me extremely nervous. Should I bail out now and withdraw from stocks completely? Q. I'm not one to ride out the storm on Wall Street. Where can I park my money that's less risky? Q. What happened with AIG? Q. I retired five years ago, but with the economy and inflation as they are, I need to go back to work. Where do I start? Q. I'm about to start a new job. What should I do with my 401(k) plan? Q. I'm behind on my house payments and the bank is about to foreclose on my house. To find the answers go to: Money on Your Mind Women's Institute for Financial Education: WIFE is taking an affirmative role in the crisis. Here is a link to believing in a turnaround using the prosperous thinking technique often promoted by Suze Orman. WIFE says their Money Attraction Affirmation helps you create dynamic changes in your life. "Financial freedom is within my reach." www.wife.org - See it. Believe it. Achievement. Gratitude and loving power: Three words of advice: Gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude. This is not a time to point fingers, but to be grateful for what you have. Don't fight - hug and love. Read my posting from the other day that talks about the research on human touch. Healing Touch Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Sex Brings Happiness, But Money Enhances Sex

Rita Watson — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 13:00:19 +0000
Today may be the day to stop looking at the market, and have an adventurous and amorous fling. About five years ago, WebMD noted that the happiest folks are those getting the most sex -- married people, who report 30% more between-the-sheets action than single folks. However from researchers they state: "Despite popular opinion, they find that having more money doesn't mean you get more sex; there's no difference between the frequency of sex and income level. But they do find sex seems to have a greater effect on happiness levels in highly educated -- and presumably wealthier -- people than on those with lower educational status." More Money Doesn't Mean More Sex, but More Sex Can Make You Feel Richer says, Sid Kirchheimer, Sex and happiness On the flip side, in an piece for CBS MarketWatch by Thomas Kostigen less than a year ago, it was reported that being rich was a powerful aphrodisiac. We often wonder what younger women see in older men - are they just out for the money? Maybe not. Money might actually enhance one's sex. It appears from two researches on the habits of the rich and famous - that the wealthy are more adventurous. And in a surprise turn rich women seem more likely to enjoy sex. "Some 84% of rich women and 63% of rich men say having money means having better sex," he notes. Here is a link to the full article: Sex and money   Well that was then. What about today? The financial crisis will pass - count the young blessings and spend more time with each other talking about the goodness and love you share. Or you can turn on Dirty Sexy Money or watch past episodes of Dirty Sexy Money and be very grateful! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Solving Your Money Affecting Relationship Problem

Rita Watson — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 03:01:09 +0000
The economy affects personal relationships as well as working relationships. A key question people are asking is "How do I begin to tackle the problems we are facing? As promised, we are bringing you links to other experts in the field. I have spent most of this week talking about stress, loving, money, and sex. Here is some advice from a friend who specializes in career fitness. Malcolm O. Munro - Career Fitness Coach wrote a special piece this week on problem solving: short term and long term solutions for those in business, but it can apply to all of us. Personal and relationship stress as these relate to money problems will be with us for a long time given today's economy. Most people will need a short term plan and a long term plan, but first we each need to identify the problem. Short Term: Malcolm says, "These are problems that give us headaches in the moment and come without warning. These could be a moderate annoyance or a critical issue that can cause great harm. The solutions to these problems are quick and result in instant abatement of the problem." Relating to the economy and your own relationships

Determine the problem that is pushing you over the edge

Make a budget

Work as a team in you are married or in a committed relationship

Maintain a positive attitude with a vision towards a solution

Call a credit agency to help you such as Money Management International Money Management.org/

Long Term: Malcolm calls these "chronic problems that have a history of plaguing us. They may be mild in nature or severe enough to cause hate and discontent but are somewhat systemic in nature, meaning we don't know why the problem is here or where it came from, we just want it gone!" We know what happened to the economy but for many people a money shortage was a chronic problem even before the stock market seemed to hit rock bottom. Relating to the economy and your own relationships: If you have been living above your means, using my TACT Strategies®

Take a minute and think about where you need to be cutting back. Make a budget for the next year.

Assess the situation given money you have today and money you will need for the year.

Consider some alternatives -- If you are married and one of you needs to consider finding a part time job, just do it. And if you need a job in a tough economy - go to Malcolm's website - he can help. Career Fitness Coach

Take a stand: If you need to scale down - this may be the year to down size.

But what is key is that you - Work together - Refrain from the Blame Game - Create a plan Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Gay Marriage Ban Overturned and Online Marriage Hopes

Rita Watson — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 03:01:29 +0000
Two marriage notes in the news, gay marriage ban overturned in Connecticut and online dating service launched in the UK which claims high marriage rates. Gay marriage ban lifted: According to a report by Ted Lorson, for Reuters, the ban on gay marriage in Connecticut has been overturned. The decision, which overturns a lower court ruling, follows the legalization of gay marriage in California this year and in Massachusetts in 2003. It was hailed by gay rights advocates as a proud day after battles over the culturally divisive issue in several states. Connecticut Gov. Jodi Rell, a Republican, disagreed with the ruling but said she will uphold it. Gay Marriage Online daing and marriage: And in London this week a study was reported with the launch in the UK of eHarmony, the match-making service. The article by Jason Palmer stated: "The Oxford Internet Institute which looked at the habits of 1,000 couples to find the secret of a happy relationship. " The article talked about compatibility and also dispute the notion that opposites attract. Dr Neil Clark Warren, eHarmony founder, said: "We find that 'opposites attract' is not a great long-term kind of compatibility, even though it certainly does drive a lot of initial attraction," he says. Online marriage Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Week in Review: Money, Stress, Marriage, Sex

Rita Watson — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 03:01:58 +0000
This was a week of money, marriage, stress, and sex. The links to each day of the week are highlighted. The most well read story of the week was about Stress, Money, and Sex. Understandably, when people are worried they tend to lose their libido. In fact, this is precisely the time for snuggling and hugging and talking to each other. If you missed any of these stories, here are the links. Gay Marriage Ban Overturned and Online Marriage Hopes Solving Your Money Affecting Relationship Problem: Sex Brings Happiness, But Money Enhances Sex Decisions Affecting Your Relationship with Money Money and Love Answers in Tough Relationship Times Money, Marriage, Stress, and Sex Next week: Watch for Cougar Love and Marriage as well as continued feature interviews regarding money and relationships. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Couples, Conflict, and Laughter

Rita Watson — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 03:01:35 +0000
The most common reasons for divorce are also the most common problems about which couples argue: money and sex vie for first place and next comes work, children, and household chores. Arguments: While most arguments start because two people have two different needs, wants, or opinions, oftentimes instead of negotiating, talking, or compromising - prior to a full blown argument there will be little "digs" and then a bit of sarcasm, door slamming, and then the explosion. I cannot say it often enough the words, "How many times have I told you?" or its partner in crime, "Why do I have to keep repeating myself?" are counterproductive. Here is some advice on how to resolve conflicts from MSN. com and from BBC. com. If you seem to be in the relationship hell of hidden agendas or serious conflicts most of the time, relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall for BBC Relationships has some advice. Arguments How to fight fairly: Here are some rules from Rabbi Shmuley Boteach's "Oprah & Friends" XM Radio Show: Argue Fairly Negotiating Session: Dr. Hall also has a suggestion on how couples can learn to talk to each other. But to do so requires a bit of practice and she advises a warm-up time. Here is what she proposes:

Each partner gets 30 minutes to talk. (Or 20 minutes if one feels time pressured)

The other partner gives undivided attention

After the hour is up, both walk away and do something else

Do not analyze the conversation

Agree not to talk about it for at least 48 hours

If you find the exercise useful, set a regular date taking it in turns as to whom will talk first. Communications Laugh away the anger: While the root of a conflict is never a laughing matter, it is really important for two people to get over the anger that generated the conflict in the first place. It is helpful if each of you remembers something about the other person that generates laughter -- even silliness. I know of one gentlemen who, after an argument with his wife, will appear at the bedroom door with a Groucho Marx mask - or whatever he can find from his bag of tricks -- knock on the door and say, "Special delivery! -- I hear you are hoping mad at your hubby so how about some hot sex with me?"   It's enough to get them both laughing again. But here is something else... a laugh track. Laughter is contagious -- not a substitute for saying, "I'm sorry," but it is a good mood setter. If you don't believe that laughter is contagious, listen to the weather women. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The Divorce Settlement May be a Relationship Solution

Rita Watson — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 23:29:05 +0000
Sometimes half a house is better than none -- both in Cambodia in a divorce settlement and in the US as the tiny house movement takes hold. He came with family while local officials watched as he sawed the family home of 18 years in half. His former wife was left with approximately 10 by 12 feet. Half a house Coincidentally here in America, there was a feature today in the Providence Journal about the tiny house - 84 square feet made of knotty pine and built for $10,000. Steven Kurutz, of the New York Times has been reporting on tiny houses. Can't live with each other: Ironically, I keep hearing from couples these days who love each, can't live without each other, but can't live with each other. This could be the answer - two tiny houses on one big lot. The problem of course would be in finding a piece of property that two people might agree to call their "homes." Although one devotee of the small house movement may have what many consider to be an ideal arrangement. Jay Shafer is the founder of the Tumbleweed Tiny House Company, but admits that the small house concept is not for everyone. In fact, his new bride lives next door to him in 700 square feet.   His house is less than 100 square feet although he is planning to expand to 300 square feet. Small house adherents "believe in minimizing one's footprint - structural as well as carbon - by living in spaces that are smaller than 1,000 square feet and, in some cases, smaller than 100. Tiny houses have been a fringe curiosity for a decade or more, but devotees believe the concept's time has finally arrived," says Kurutz. Half the size Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Another Sex Scandal Rocks the Florida House

Rita Watson — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 05:10:33 +0000
The story is not a pretty one. Another sex scandal in Florida by the very person who replaced the last person involved in a sex scandal. Is there no end in sight? According to CNN.com News "Florida Democratic Rep. Tim Mahoney called on the House ethics committee to investigate his own behavior after ABC News reported that he paid a former staffer who was also his mistress $121,000 to avoid a sexual harassment lawsuit." What really has people up in arms is that Mahoney, a married man, was voted into office to replace Republican Rep. Mark Foley who resigned when allegations surfaced about misconduct with White House pages  Sex scandal To take a look at some of the other scandals and disappointments we have seen this past year, read on. John Edwards: Cheating, Chemo, and Commitment ran as one of my Providence Journal editorials. The cheating privileges given by Samantha, Sex in the City, to her young lover while she was undergoing chemotherapy underscores the devastating effects of treatment. Although I wrote about it for my monthly Op-ed column for the Providence Journal, “Of DNA and Desire” I had no idea that the John and Elizabeth Edwards story would surface. Today the issue of infidelity is all the more poignant in the face of reality. Despite the parade of infidelity scandals among politicians — the outrage and finger-pointing with the John Edwards story is searing. Why? Because in most of the other scandals, there was always a question: Did the wives know? Was there a silent arrangement? John and Elizabeth seemed to portray a perfect marriage. Their family survived the tragedy of their teenage son’s death with an admirable sense of faith and love. Even though he wasn’t our presidential pick, we appreciated the family man. Perhaps it is the loss of an image that really angers us most today. We have come to expect certain tawdriness in our politicians. And with George Bush we knew that one day a movie would portray the closet filled with skeletons. The new Oliver Stone film “W” promises to rattle those bones. But John and Elizabeth were models. And we needed an icon. Are we really appalled at what he did to Elizabeth or what he did to us? What happens behind closed doors is a matter between husband and wife. But when one is a public figure running for president then it seems all bets are off. Today the media is questioning their inability to do the digging to get at the truth. But what is the truth? And what is the message? I like what Shmuley Boteach said in The Jerusalem Post a few days ago: “Why Men Like John Edwards Cheat.” He pointed out that Elizabeth believed John should continue pursuing his presidential dream despite her metastatic breast cancer. It was an example for their children to know that despite difficult battles, life goes on. Boteach says, “But perhaps an even more important lesson to the convey to our children is that what will truly make them special in life is not becoming president but being committed and loving family members who always put each other first. As we sit and wonder and judge – I am reminded of an often-quoted phrase from my grandmother, straight from the Bible, “Let he who is not guilty cast the first stone.”   (August 17th) Eliot Spitzer and Raging Hormones: Never mind the fact that word in Washington is that Republicans pay more for prostitutes than Democrates, the fact seems to be that the men whom we send to lead us in Washington are being led by their raging hormones. Do we remember the report from Crooks and Liars that said: "Gov. Eliot Spitzer has been caught on a federal wiretap arranging to meet with a high-priced prostitute at a Washington hotel last month, according to a person briefed on the federal investigation." Is this a way to turn a rising star into a falling star? Isn't this kind of thing usually handled at the state level? No, I am not cutting him slack. I am often too outspoken about adultery - "for every time you cheat, you will be cheated!"   Sen. David Vitter: from scandal to applause: In terms of Democrats and Republican scandals - they don't quite seem equal. Remember Vittner? This link bears a second look at the man who allegedly paid for sex, the man who called for Clinton's impeachment. Here he is returning to the Senate to applause: Republicans Celebrate Hypocrisy Maybe it is true. Power corrupts. Sad for wives. Sad for children. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Lies About Lovers and The Boston Legal Lie

Rita Watson — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 04:01:49 +0000
Ever wonder why men report having more sexual partners than women? Psychologist Norman R. Brown at the University of Michigan has determined the reason. It appears that men report approximately the number of lovers, whereas women report on raw count, ticking off names. In fact according to the article by Robert Roy Britt in Live Science, "the women reported on average 8.6 lifetime sexual partners. The men claimed 31.9." But what Professor Brown learned is that those he interviewed lied and even admitted to lying. This wasn't a new study, but it is an interesting one. For the full story, go to Why Men Report More Sex Partners Than Women After watching Boston Legal last evening I began pouring through the literature about lying for love and lying about love -- as if it isn't becoming a cottage industry! (No, I still do not own a television, but I always manage to find a place to watch Denny Crane.) The Boston Legal episode was really troubling -- the lies of the husband who murdered his nurse and lover, and the lies of his wife on the witness stand who covered for him after leading Alan Shore to believe that she had murdered the nurse in a jealous rage. In fact, husband and wife colluded to deceive - although Phoebe, who had once been Alan's lover - lead him to believe that if her husband was set free she would walk away from him and into Alan's arms. Her lies were pernicious. There seems to be so much in the news about women who tell lies. Recently I spoke with Susan Shapiro Barash, the author of Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie. She is a gender expert at Marymount Manhattan College. I interviewed Susan for an article in the Providence Journal called: Marrying their Mrs. Robinson -- it was about Cougar Love and Longevity. This will be posted on Friday. In the upcoming weeks, I will devote a full series to love, lies, and deception. The picture is not a pretty one. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The Debate and Robert Redford in the Candidate

Rita Watson — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 04:34:52 +0000
Political relationships are almost as intriguing as personal relationships. In order to watch the debate tonight, I signed up for the Community Room. We live in somewhat of a resident hotel. Through some mix-up I arrived to find a group of young men from the Rhode Island School of Design poised to watch Barack Obama and John McCain. They were Obama supporters who had canvassed for him and attended focus groups. Despite the fact that I had a disconcerted scowl on my face because I was hoping to sit and watch it with a neighbor, they invited us to join them. Almost by default I stayed because I received a series of emails from my editor on a Blackberry gone wild. I like to think I am neutral, but opinionated. So here goes. For me the campaign from the start has been filled with bumper sticker thinking, "My mind is made up; don't confuse me with the facts."   And I don't think tonight's debate really had a defining moment - although there were a few good jabs. Student Perspective on Ayers:  The young men thought that Obama answered the questions more crisply -- although some said in the beginning McCain was "doing pretty good." As I watched the reruns on my computer, John McCain seemed to answer the questions more directly. They asked me what it was that most concerned me about Obama. That was easy, "Ayers and experience." As someone who lived by Greenwich Village and knew the house that exploded because of the Weathermen, a group to which William Ayers belonged - I have long been troubled that Obama did not tackle the issue head on and say, "Yes, I knew him. Yes, I wrote a forward to one of his books. Yes, the records from the Annenberg Challenge show that we worked closely together.  As I look back, I may have made a mistake in embracing him as I did." However - one student pointed out that what troubled him was the characterization that Ayers was a domestic terrorist.  They were not old enough to remember Vietnam. But they had a keen sense of history, and they saw the SDS and the Weathermen for who they were - angry young people who could not get the attention of their government. I pointed out that it was the massive peaceful demonstrations that probably were responsible for the famous words of Lyndon Johnson, ". . . I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." Everyone of us who had every marched in protest were stunned and elated. But where do we stand today?  And more importantly where do the young people stand?  For the most part, they stand solidly behind Obama.   Nonetheless, they saw McCain as too connected to George Bush - but interestingly not because of John McCain, but because of "those who chose Sarah Palin." It is their feeling that she was chosen by George Bush operatives. Education: They see that as a nation we are in crisis. They were smart enough to realize that our educational system is in a shambles. Bob Schieffer, 71, longtime host of CBS' "Face the Nation" touted the old chestnut - our children consistently score lower than other nations. Bob, please let's get that one right -- the students have lower scores than other nations because other nations only test the best and the brightest. Nonetheless - "No Child Left Behind" is a bit of a disaster. It teaches children to test, instead of think. Energy: And as for our energy policy, they believe in wind and solar.   Some of the students were quite excited that Robert Whitcomb, one of the authors of Cape Wind,  was addressing their class. Obama, so closely associated with the Kennedy family, will he be willing to buck them on their cherished pledge to keep wind energy from their treasured cove at the Cape?   The full title of the book is Cape Wind: Money, Celebrity, Class, Politics, and the Battle for Our Energy Future on Nantucket Sound. As such, if all young people are as forward thinking then maybe whomever the next president happens to be will not matter. They will go on and create and innovate and think. Perhaps the most interesting discussion centered around our future - their future. One young man said, "We are in a crisis but sometimes it takes a crisis to become the most creative." What if? Months ago, I expressed my greatest concern about Obama on Talking Points Memo. "He is a new face and his ability to stir a crowd is riveting. But he reminds of how we all flocked to Jimmy Carter for a change - a breath of fresh air. We all loved Jimmy Carter, but he couldn't lead the country. I loved his sister, Ruth Carter Stapleton. But he couldn't lead the country. What if Obama is the star in a movie in which the golden candidate is elected; his team celebrates; and he says, "Now what?" Actual words: The movie to which I was referring is "The Candidate" with Robert Redford. And after winning the election, before meeting with reporters he says to Peter Boyle: "Marvin, what do we do now?" If Barack Obama is our next president as the polls indicate, will he have a "What do we do now" moment? My own sons see Obama as surrounding himself with the smartest young minds in the country, Bill Gates style. If that is the case, and he can separate himself from the politics of old regime Democrats - then young people are convinced he will succeed. And you have to feel their spirit, their personal energy. Who do I think is the most qualified? Hillary -- forget likes or dislikes -- forget personal style -- iHillary. Hillary disappointed: In the interim, tonight Lynn Forester de Rothschild, a former Hillary fundraiser, is heading up Democratic Women for McCain. She said that at a recent rally, Hillary and Bill attracted a crowd of 4,000 - while Sarah Palin attracted 7,000. Ah yes, Tim Russert you must be enjoying the view!    Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Bristish Couple Jailed in Dubai: A Kiss, Sex, or Cheating?

Rita Watson — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 08:09:05 +0000
Public displays of affection are strictly controlled in Dubai.   So loving on a public beach is considered a serious breach. What is the real story behind the jailing of two people from Britain reportedly having sex on a beach? My Guy in Dubai (MGD) tells me that it has been whispered that the real affront may have had more to do with an attitude than an act. "These people were guests in another country that has rules of behavior in public. People are expected to show a certain reverence to a host country." So can it be that if the authorities found them on the beach and said something -- but instead of humbly apologizing, they developed a too-much-to-drink attitude? Well you can take the story whichever way you please. But bear in mind that when you travel -- behavior is subject to consequences. The State Department issues alerts. For example, we often hear of students jailed in foreign countries because they were caught with marijuana. If you learn in advance the rules of a foreign country -- observe them rather than test the authorities. As the Reuters article noted: "The case has highlighted culture clashes between the luxury tourism industry in Dubai, home to artificial palm-shaped islands and the world's tallest building, and the conservative Muslim culture of the Gulf Arab region." (Reporting by Raissa Kasolowsky, editing by Tim Pearce) British Couple Jailed In fact, the rules of behavior in Dubai are such that those who are unmarried but living together in committed relationships are breaking the law. And cheating does go on, but as I have reported before, cheating does not take place in marriages among the more fundamentalist couples. "Out of respect for the sanctity of family, they are expected to live by higher standards.” (MGD) In an effort to report fairly, here is a link to the Khaleej Times article by Mary Nammour comments from readers. Take note of the first comment from Elan, an American in Dubai, who points out that "It wasn't love, it was lust from the bottom of a bottle, big difference. Mr. Acors, going wilding on holiday, had a wife at home."  from The Dubai side Well, if that is the case then you may want to read my comments in A Kiss of Friendship, A Kiss of Danger, and Cheating. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Married but Cheating, Dr. Ruth says...

Rita Watson — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 04:01:13 +0000
WHEN I WONDERED aloud, "Is infidelity a sin whose time has come?" my colleague retorted, "It never left!" Given the story yesterday regarding the couple jailed in Dubai, I thought this was a good time to repost my story from the Providence Journal -- which you may have seen on Scripps Howard News through United Media. But the thoughts bear repeating. Married but Cheating When I wondered aloud, "Is infidelity a sin whose time has come?" my colleague retorted, "It never left!" Indeed, the string of politicians, sports figures and movie stars cheating on their wives is an endless parade of mea culpas. "Why do men cheat?" I asked Dr. Ruth Westheimer, psychosexual therapist, as faculty and fellows gathered for the Yale commencement this year. Her voice escalated. "It's not only men! And put an exclamation point there. I have nothing more to say." Just an hour earlier, a young National Guardsman told us that infidelity was on the rise with military wives. He said, "We now have a co-ed Army, and wives know that when their husbands are in Iraq these guys are going to cheat and so they do it also." Despite what we hear about infidelity, the last major survey in 2006 conducted by Pew Research, an independent think tank, found that 88 percent of 1,502 persons interviewed said that a married person having an affair is morally wrong. Good statistics about infidelity are dated. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy in 2002 cited a study identifying some 15 percent of wives and 25 percent of husbands involved with extramarital affairs. Today numbers quoted are much higher, particularly after adding 15 percent of Internet users involved in "online infidelity," undocumented numbers involved in emotional cheating with people they meet on the job, and Web sites that cater to "married but cheating" clientele. And guys, the word is out about Mistress Day, Feb. 13. What concerns me is the effect of infidelity and divorce on children. A new Dutch study reported on the effects of divorce with 2,149 boys and girls from 10 through 15. The Journal of Marriage and Family noted that girls, though not boys, were at high risk for depression in adolescence. With the damage that infidelity does to families and children, I thought the "sin" and dishonesty might be peaking and leveling off. A February article in the Journal of Sex Research was discouraging. The team is developing "a scale assessing sexual deception practices." As if it wasn't bad enough that students are lying about being faithful, 31 percent lied about the numbers of previous partners, and a whopping 69 percent failed to disclose having the human papilloma virus. Dr. Ruth emphatically reminded me of her concerns about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and AIDS. "Just watch. The numbers are going to start going up again," she said. His and hers reasons that spouses cheat are similar: lack of intimacy and emotional fulfillment, the need for attention, a change in physical appearance, unkind words, and most especially, lack of communication. However, when infidelity is discovered, women tend be more forgiving than husbands, who are generally too angry to reconcile. Does religion help? Only for those attending church and not just parroting pious words. A new study from the Fuller Theological Seminary reported on 1,439 married participants. They found that those who talked "religious importance" but did not attend church regularly were more likely to have an affair than the churchgoers. When infidelity becomes an irreconcilable difference, women and children lose out financially. Mindful of the economics of divorce, one woman we know of was determined keep her marriage afloat despite a cheating husband. Taking a creative approach, she shocked him into resolving their differences. Just before he returned from a business trip, she posted a large sign on their front lawn. When he arrived back home, he found himself face to face with the words: "House for Sale - Husband Included." Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Week in Review: Sex, Lies, and Laughter

Rita Watson — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 04:01:35 +0000
Another week of sex, lies, conflict, and a bit of laughter. Also, I did one political piece about the debate and couldn't resist adding again a link to my Paul Newman story. To read any entry, just click on the link. Married but Cheating, Dr. Ruth says... When I wondered aloud, "Is infidelity a sin whose time has come?" my colleague retorted, "It never left!"   Given the story in Dubai and what may actually have been a story about infidelity, it seems like a good time to revisit this piece. Bristish Couple Jailed in Dubai: A Kiss, Sex, or Cheating? Public displays of affection are strictly controlled in Dubai.   So loving on a public beach is considered a serious breach. Lies About Lovers and The Boston Legal Lie Ever wonder why men report having more sexual partners than women? Another Sex Scandal Rocks the Florida House The story is not a pretty one. Another sex scandal in Florida by the very person who replaced the last person involved in a sex scandal. Is there no end in sight? The Divorce Settlement May be a Relationship Solution Sometimes half a house is better than none - both in Cambodia in a divorce settlement and in the US as the tiny house movement takes hold. Couples, Conflict, and Laughter The most common reasons for divorce are also the most common problems about which couples argue: money and sex vie for first place and next comes work, children, and household chores. Paul Newman: He Introduced Himself to Me as "Paul" I exchanged some pleasantries with the gentleman next to me shielding my eyes from the sun. And that's when it happened. In the middle of a morning of blue sky and sunshine, the stars came out and twinkled blue. "Oh, I seem to know you," I uttered. "I'm Paul," he said, extending his hand. The Debate and Robert Redford in the Candidate Political relationships are almost as intriguing as personal relationships. This has a great video link to an old movie, "The Candidate." Comments: Would like to point out that among those who commented, you may want to read about the work of Christine Gombar www.ChristinaGombar.com and therapist Dr. Karen Sherman. www.choicerelationships.com Watch for a new addition in the coming week - a guest essay. Happiness/ R Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Cougar Love and Longevity, but not for Madonna

Rita Watson — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 04:01:21 +0000
When I wrote about Cougar love and longevity, "Marrying Their Mrs. Robinson" it was to celebrate women marrying younger men. The article as I wrote it is here and it appeared on World News Oline today.  At the end you will find links to the story about Madonna and Guy Ritchie who have officially announced they are seeking a divorce.   Marrying their Mrs. Robinson Rita Watson/ Providence Journal TINSELTOWN is dazzling with cougar relationships these days. Consider the trailblazers: Susan Sarandon, Demi Moore, Goldie Hawn, and Mary Tyler Moore and then came Geena Davis, Madonna, Halle Berry, Ivana Trump and Kim Cattrall. Defined as women in their 40s to 60s in relationships with younger men, cougars are a hot trend. New television shows tell a tale: Cougar Camp, Cougars NYC, and a project called Untitled Cougar similar to The Bachelor. Even the medical literature is reporting on cougar love. Considering current statistics that show women outliving men by an average of nearly six years, these relationships might even out the nursing home population, now dominated by females. What is happening? Men dating cougars say: "They make time for us. They are no longer clawing up the corporate ladder or taking care of children. Also post-menopausal women are passionate and sexy." In terms of "making time for us," M. Gary Newman, rabbi and father of five, is author of The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do To Prevent It. He points out a shocking statistic - one in three men cheat because they do not feel appreciated. On the flip side, cougars say: "Younger men appreciate us more than men our own age, who are either in a mid-life crisis or panicking about closing in on 60. They want younger women to validate their virility - even if they need a little blue pill." It does not take expert opinion to tell us that feminism strained marriages, however, psychologists point out that the "me first or career first" attitude still resonates with younger women. In the United Kingdom cougar marriages are reported to have soared in 25 years. British web sites devoted exclusively to cougars range from racy to the elegant-looking www.toyboyclub.com strictly for members. Recently the Times of London Online said: "The dating and mating game is undergoing a genderquake. More and more professional young men are marrying their Mrs. Robinson. But are they looking for a wife or a mother?" Susan Shapiro Barash, a gender expert and author who teaches at Marymount Manhattan College, in New York says, "The relationship is a meeting of the minds - soul mates. This is a very bold step for these couples because they are defining themselves differently than the traditional family." In the United States not all cougar news is positive. Sociology Quarterly reports on new research from the University of South Florida that says the trend is challenging traditional family and sex roles. And the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy reports that despite the increase in May/December marriages, older women are "looked down upon." But Barash points out: "It is empowering for women who marry younger men. This defies the norm in a prescribed role. With older and richer men marrying younger women there was always tacit approval of the trophy wife; whereas women do not view the younger men in their lives as arm candy." In terms of longevity, married couples outlive singles. A new study released by Australia's Ministry of Aging says that life expectancy among married couples is double that of singles after age 70. (Next to Andorra, in the eastern Pyrenees Mountains, Australia is second in life expectancy while the U.S. ranks about 40th.) Could it be that cougar marriages are the answer to a long life without the loneliness and depression that elderly singles often face? Joseph Sirven, M.D., a geriatric specialist and associate professor of neurology at Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, Ariz., is not convinced. Dr. Sirven said, "From a health standpoint, there is a certain logic that a younger man and older woman could both gain benefits from such a relationship based on longevity statistics. However, that is predicated upon a relationship being a happy one." The key point that Dr. Sirven makes centers on love. "Fundamentally, a strong relationship built on love and respect will provide happiness to both participants regardless of their age. If a couple is incompatible, age does not matter and negative health consequences will outweigh any gains from trying to pair a younger man with an older woman." While a Yale public-health graduate student, I presented a paper on the benefits of marriage between older women and younger men. The men blanched. The women applauded. The professor sent me back to the books to do some serious research. He was not amused. Rita Watson is a monthly contributor and daily blogger ( www.ritawatson.com) syndicated by Newstex (Reprinted in its entirely from article published on 01:00 AM EDT on Sunday, October 5, 2008/Providence Journal) The article appeared today in World News Online. Mrs. Robinson Madonna turns into cold cougar and Madonna and A-Rod Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Too Much Cheating, We Need Happily Ever After

Rita Watson — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 04:11:36 +0000
Now that David Duchovny's second secret has been revealed, the identity of his alleged mistress, it seems appropriate to revisit "The Truth About Why Men Cheat." I write often about men and women who cheat and why it is important to value marriage. But last month when I wrote about this - just before another scandal rocked the House of Representatives in Florida - I added another expert to the mix of those with sensible research and opinions. M. Gary Newman is a marriage counselor and author of a new book called, "The Truth About Cheating." Gary Newman’s Book at Amazon.com Dr. Newman is a psychotherapist and rabbi who is married and has five children. He has also written about emotional infidelity. One of the surprise findings in his book is that men do not always cheat because of sex or lack thereof. Thanks to a reader who sent me this link today, here is more information about a very disturbing trend. Why Men Cheat - Redbook feature was highlighted on Yahoo's Dating 101. Related articles in the post include: Diary of an Affair and 8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage The Shocker: But for me, the real shocker came in learning about the number of men who cheat - "One in 2.7 men will have affairs!"   Dr. Newman not only talks about why men cheat but also factors in their wives, not in a blaming sort of way, but as a way to empower women. Oprah interview Happily Married: The news about marriage is not all gloomy. Another author, whom I write about often, is Dr. Scott Haltzman.   His books are aimed at empowering women and men to keep their marriages strong and loving. Secrets of Happily Married Men and Secrets of Happily Married Women Mayo Clinic Advice on Healing after an Affair: In truth, we do have a choice. Oftentimes it is the forgiveness factor. But the Mayo Clinic tells us, "Infidelity causes intense emotional pain — anger, disbelief, fear, guilt, shame. But an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage." To learn more about how a marriage can be rebuilt after an affair, go to Mayo Clinic Infidelity Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

First Comes Marriage, Then Comes Love

Rita Watson — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 04:01:30 +0000
The new book is controversial, choose a partner according to a checklist, then fall in love. It is based on a modern concept of arranged marriage. But we are a love addicted society. We need to feel as if we are walking on air. We want to see rainbows and hear the music of the spheres. And then when we marry for love, we can prepare to divorce within 7 years, the lifespan of the average marriage today. Want a better way? Reva Seth thinks she has found it. According to Helen Weathers writing for the UK's Daily Mail Online: "Now, Reva is sharing the secret of her success in her new book, First Comes Marriage, which takes an unashamedly positive look at the principles behind the Asian tradition of marriages, which she believes can be adapted by Western women to protect themselves against the pitfalls of modern romance and the misery of divorce." It seems that Reva had only seven dates with the man whom she married, but she believes "a shared sense of cultural heritage and a similar set of goals in life" are key to a lasting relationship. The article notes the importance of " finding someone who will be a good friend and partner both emotionally and spiritually - regardless of looks or wealth." Weathers says that "In researching her book, Reva interviewed more than 300 Asian women in Europe and North America who were happy in their marriages."  Read the full article at Forget love and attraction Her book is at Amazon.com First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages Love or money: The 2008 Valentine's Day "Love and Money" survey of 1,049 people by Money Management International (MMI) found that over 73 percent of women viewed financial know-how as a more important factor in choosing a potential partner than attractiveness. Men opted for a woman's looks. Looks over values: Men who chose looks over values often find themselves paying a high price - as we saw with Sir Paul McCartney. But in particular older men, who need a younger woman to validate their sense of self and to stave off aging -- will overlook values and settle for infatuation to fill their needs. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Heart, Home, Renovation, and Divorce

Rita Watson — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 04:01:32 +0000
With the crash on Wall Street and a housing market slump, many couples are turning to home renovation. Warning: this can be hazardous to your marriage. The ABC of relationships and renovating: does it work? Alex May is an author and editor of Renovation Nation for the Sydney Morning Herald. SMH She offers tips and guidance "and general guff about homes and how we live." She apparently is aware of the stress and strain of renovating and how often a renovation project can lead a couple into divorce court. Planning Your Perfect Home Renovation      I think that understanding how we live and how we wish to live and defining our expectations of house and home is key to a relationship. So often divorce comes about because two people really do not share the same values. My children's first excuse for an apartment: When I observed my children search for their first Boston apartment several years ago, I began wondering if "love" should be turned over to social architects who understand the dynamic interplay between individuals and the space they call home. The two had met in law school and as I watched them search for their first apartment, they could have been a vignette from House as Mirror of Self by Berkeley architect Clare Cooper Marcus. She believes that your home and how you live is a reflection of your personality or your particular sense of self. (Always check out how a man lives before you marry him!) House As Mirror of Self The young couple wanted to live Beacon Hill. When they asked me to look at just one more "closet" with them, the Realtor led us to a brownstone with a peeling red painted door that opened into the hallway from hell. They danced up the uneven circular staircase into the apartment that they wanted to call "home." I stayed behind hoping that they might fly down immediately. Instead I heard words such as: "Wow, it's great" and "Take a look at this!" Clearly this was my cue to venture up and make at least two positive statements. I tried not to blanch when I walked in. I remember saying: "Oh, look, windows," and "Oh, wood plank floors." As they "oohed" and "aahed" their way through cramped quarters, I scowled at the Realtor, "Let's talk about the mice who have made this place their home." Words moved in: Oblivious to my concern, they began discovering nooks, crannies, moldings, and charm. Their words moved in a chair here, a couch there. They visualized books, desks and window boxes in a tiny space to call home. And immediately I realized that they had a profound sense as to the core of security in our daily lives - where we rest our heads at night and greet the day each morning. Rebuilding and healing: After an unexpected divorce, former House and Garden editor, Dominique Browning, let her house fall apart, even the ceilings collapsed. Reclaiming her home, rebuilding, refurbishing, restoring became her healing. She documented the journey in her book Around the House and in The Garden: A Memoir of Heartbreak, Healing, and Home Improvement. Around the House and in the Garden Renovation Nation: Alex May tells us: "There's no doubt that renovating places a huge strain on even the strongest partnership. When you find yourself poring over colour charts for the 900th time that week, arguing whether to go for the Crescent or the Baroque or the Lancelot (who even knew that green could be called so many things?) and, worst of all, really, really caring about the tonal differences between the three, it can be an eye-opening experience.  Alex May website Think before you hammer: As such, in a difficult economy, before you start to renovate, make a list of priorities. Find out what you might do to make your current space more livable. Take a page from two young people in their 600 square feet of space and be creative. What it may mean is that you do a lot of stripping down and tossing out. But if it saves you money and your marriage, it is well worth the price. Divorce it too expensive an option in today's economy. To read Alex May's advice go to: Renovation Nation Also, let's not forget House and Garden TV with their myriad of household tips. HGTV.com PS: My children are still in Beacon Hill, but have graduated to a proper Beacon Hill brownstone which taught them the art of compromise - she kept her car and he sold his. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Sex Becomes Better with Age

Rita Watson — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 04:01:58 +0000
At any age, sex is good. And according to Dr. Laura Berman, "there is no expiration date on sexuality." In a Today Show interview this week Dr. Berman said, "Despite what the media and society tell us, sexuality can be a part of your adult life well into your 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond! As long as the body is able and the mind is willing, the golden years can truly be platinum when it comes to your sex life." Dr. Berman does point out some of the pitfalls that come with the aging process - loss of libido is a problem sometimes for both men and women. In an earlier column I said: "The universities of Chicago and Toronto studied 3,005 men and women between ages 57 to 85, and reported that two-thirds of those in their 70s are having sex at least twice a month. Some continue into their 80s. An interesting finding is that while both genders admit to sexual issues, men tend to talk to their doctors about them while women tend not to. The explanation is simple. "Men have an advocate in Bob Dole. War hero and retired Republican senator from Kansas, he took to the airwaves nearly 10 years ago and helped spawn an industry talking about ED - erectile dysfunction. The pharmaceutical companies still applaud him, as do content men and women. "However, one 50ish friend complained: 'We can't just be a good companion on the arm of a rich, old gent anymore. Now they pop their pills and want us to perform.' Another younger woman sees Viagra and Cialis as an advantage for trophy wives. "Nonetheless, there is research taking place to help women. Women taking synthetic hormones say they feel more passionate, however, it may simply be relief from their menopausal symptoms. Sexuality, Reproduction & Menopause recently reported that it is the male hormone delivered via a testosterone patch that appears to increase desire and arousal in women." * At the RISD Museum: Today as we walked though the newly appointed Rhode Island School of Design's Chace Center museum, I talked with budding fashion designer, Jobiss. She pointed out the gowns of the Victorian era with their flowing skirt designs, and explained to me how classic design influenced contemporary wedding gowns. "Always a long flowing skirt. It is the necklines and sleeves that differ," she said. Linda, a painter and printmaker, joined our conversation as I talked with Jobiss about gowns for older women about to be married. And Linda asked, “Are older women getting married? Older men want younger women.” I was quick to remind her that many of the younger men were looking for Cougars. Cougar Love and Longevity aka Marrying Their Mrs. Robinson. (see link to World News) In Praise of Older Women: While I do know a number of insecure men hitting 60 looking for youth, I continue to remind women of the piece that was widely circulated on the Internet by "Suddenly Senior" columnist Frank Kaiser. "Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart! Her libido is stronger. Her appreciation of experienced lovemaking is honed and reciprocal. And she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of." ** So in the words of Dr. Berman: "As long as the body is able and the mind is willing, the golden years can truly be platinum when it comes to your sex life."    Here is a link to the interview. Sex After 50 on Today Show *excerpted from Providence Journal: Sex and Smiling Seniors **In Praise of Older Women is often attributed to Andy Rooney, the 60 Minutes commentator, but it is an embellished version of a piece by the "Suddenly Senior" columnist Frank Kaiser. Suddenly Senior. Thank you, Frank. But forgive me if I say, I somehow liked thinking of Andy Rooney -- in his cantankerous way --defending women presumably over 40. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Hot Coffee Warms Hearts

Rita Watson — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 04:01:56 +0000
Can it be that a hot "cuppa" reminds us of those childhood days when we snuggled into our mother's arms or the arms of someone who loved us? Whatever the reason, researchers are telling us that "simply clutching a warm cup of coffee can bring on a flood of warm feelings." The research came out of the University of Colorado at Boulder and Yale University. A cuppa: Therefore, the next time you want to talk with someone you love and wish to convey some positive feelings, serve a warm cup of tea, coffee, or even chicken soup. Read the story for yourself - from Reuters UK - it is fascinating. A Warm Cup Gratitude and Forgiveness: Another method of generating warm feelings is through forgiveness and gratitude. Our pediatrician's wife once told us the story of a person who really created difficulty for her. She would actually cross the street when she saw the woman approaching. Then one day, she sat down, wrote a simple forgiveness prayer, and then began wishing the woman blessings -- ten to be exact. The next time she saw her nemesis approach, she greeted her. "It amazed me," said Ellie. "Somehow I just couldn't muster up that old anger and resentment again." Warm coffee, sprinkled with blessings -- serve it up! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Love of Art, Home, Marriage, Sex, Cheating, Cougars and Coffee

Rita Watson — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 04:51:35 +0000
Before getting to the Week in Review, I must add two love bits. The Guggenheim in Manhattan is offering the ultimate for art lovers -- to sleep perchance to dream within the world of creativity. No hotel can rival this one. The rooms are expensive and week-ends are already sold out. But you may want to get to the museum just for visit and settle for another place to rest your head. I'm certain for other hotels you will find what you are looking for on www.Priceline.com, www.expedia.com, or www.travelocity.com. But for a night at the Guggheim's "Revolving Hotel Room" read this from Reuters: The Guggenheim "Hotel" Moment And for those still looking for love -- so is this 99 year old virgin.  Looking for Love? The Week in Review: From this week in stories, here is a wrap up that includes Cougars, Cheating, Modern Arranged Marriage, the Meaning of Home and Renovation Hazards, Sex, and a Warm Cup of... A link to each story follows. Hot Coffee Warms Hearts Sex Becomes Better with Age Heart, Home, Renovation, and Divorce First Comes Marriage, Then Comes Love Too Much Cheating, We Need Happily Ever After Cougar Love and Longevity, but not for Madonna (with a link to "Marrying their Mrs. Robinson" my Providence Journal column featured on World News.) Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

How Divorce Hurts Families and Taxpayers

Rita Watson — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 04:01:44 +0000
Divorce is rarely a win-win. Not only does it hurt adults and children, but surprisingly, we learned that divorce hurts taxpayers as well. We reported on this in April but in light of today's economy, it bears repeating. It also is a sobering look how messy divorce really is and it provides solid reasons for mediation, compromise, and working together. "In first-ever research, a new report quantifies a minimum $112 billion annual taxpayer cost from high rates of divorce and unmarried childbearing. It identifies national, state and local costs which account for more than $1 trillion in the last decade. This landmark scholarly study, entitled "The Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing: First-Ever Estimates for the Nation and All 50 States," was released at the National Press Club by four renown policy and research groups-Institute for American Values, Georgia Family Council, Institute for Marriage and Public Policy, and Families Northwest. With this startling news, perhaps more attention will be paid to strengthening marriages. " They are suggesting that states do more to help strengthen and promote the concept of marriage as we have said in many of our posts. New Report     Perhaps it is time to rethink the value of togetherness and show children that two people can give to each other unselfishly for the sake of unity and love. Marriage Education   We like the concept proposed by Michelle Weiner-Davis, best selling author and marriage therapist. She believes in saving marriages.  Divorce Busting! It is important to watch our words, which often become irreconcilable differences. Perhaps if more couples watched their words, or listened to the tone of their voices - a greater respect for each other might develop into supportive words, forgiving words, or no words at all.  I am not talking about the silent treatment, but rather the magic in a silent smile, a loving look into another’s eyes, a gentle touch. A word about touch, it was reported in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine that a warm touch lowers stress and blood pressure. Here is a report from USA Today:  Healing Touch. During this time of economic stress, people are fighting. But some couples are taking an innovative approach and using frequent flyer miles to take a night off and escape to a local hotel. It might be a good way to reconcile your differences. No frequent flyer miles? Then call Denny Crane at Boston Legal and tell him that you want to make a deal. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Cheating, Cyber-sex, and Secrets

Rita Watson — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 04:19:08 +0000
Too often, when a relationship is in trouble, one party is unfaithful.  Usually it is about sex or money and so one person turns to a lover or has a cyber-affair. Usually there are games that are played before any person cheats. These often include the notion of who is right and who is wrong. There seems to be a few variations of the game, but essentially one can expect:

The silent treatment because one is right, the other is wrong.

One party may withhold sex, because one is right, another is wrong.

One person may take a hard line on an issue and it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong – there is a stalemate -- a line in the sand is drawn. "If you loved me you would ...." or "If you don't... then..."

A real problem is communication and one of the roadblocks to meaningful communication today is the Internet. How lovely it seems to have "an online affair" and delude yourself into thinking, "But I am not cheating." Cyber-sex -- Is it cheating?   The BBC did a piece on Cyber-affairs that is worth reading. I did run into a couple at the Cigar Bar who talked about cyber-porn -- and both agreed, it is bad first step to marital discord. The BBC site notes: "Intimate and meaningful, friendships can develop easily on the internet. This can pose a real threat to committed relationships. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall looks at the phenomenon of cyber affairs." The Cyber-Affair Threat Infidelity is harmful: Infidelity never settles an argument. In fact, cheating always delays the resolution. Drawing a line in the sand creates a tension in which one may win the battle but lose the war. Or win a point, and lose out on love. But what happens when tension builds up is that one person seeks solace in the arms of another. Even if there is no physical infidelity, emotionally one can detach from one’s spouse and bond with another person. When this happens, the big questions is this: “Should I fess up to cheating?” Websites one relationships, post two simple views. “Yes, you should tell.” Or “No, keep your mouth shut.” If you tell: This is a tough one because some spouses cannot handle indiscretion. Cheating does not signal an end to marriage or a relationship, but it will most certainly add a new stress and stain. Researchers tell us that it can often take up to two years before a marriage in which one partner cheated is made right. Distrust, betrayal, anger often consumes the partnership. Mending a Marriage after Infidelity Takes Forgiveness Forgiveness: When two people reach a stalemate, for the sake of the marriage or the relationship there is only one solution — negotiating a settlement by working through the problem instead of pretending it will go away. Talk about problems the minute they occur. Anger and laughter: My grandmother always said, “Never let the sun set on your anger.” Find something to laugh about even in a difficult situation. It is so difficult to laugh when you are angry. But finding a way to use a sense of humor to help you through difficult times will be worth the effort and may save your marriage. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Cheating Spouses, Snooping Spouses, Blaming Professors

Rita Watson — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 04:40:49 +0000
Cheat, “but don’t tell” seems to be a new theme. And there seems to be a lot of cheating going around in both men and women as Dr. Ruth told me last May. Before writing my June column Married but Cheating (Sunday June 1, 2008) I asked Dr. Ruth about infidelity as faculty and fellows lined up for Commencent at Yale. My simple question, “Why do men cheat?” came back with a firm — “It’s not just the men!”   The news reports and the articles bear out her prediction — more younger people are cheating and so are older men — those going through their 60s life crisis as well as women over 60. The New York Times reported Monday about the New Infidelity and ironically, although I missed seeing the article, I talked about whether or not you should fess up in my column yesterday. There are links to blog posts from earlier this year.   Should you or shouldn’t tell? That is the question. Reporting in the New York Times, Tara Parker-Pope pointed out, “ But detailed analysis of the data from 1991 to 2006, to be presented next month by Dr. Atkins at the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies conference in Orlando, show some surprising shifts. University of Washington researchers have found that the lifetime rate of infidelity for men over 60 increased to 28 percent in 2006, up from 20 percent in 1991. For women over 60, the increase is more striking: to 15 percent, up from 5 percent in 1991. Love, Sex and the Changing Landscape of Infidelity We also learn that cheating is up in younger people as well. ”About 20 percent of men and 15 percent of women under 35 say they have ever been unfaithful, up from about 15 and 12 percent respectively.” Snooping on Spouses: Now if you are really concerned about an unfaithful spouse there is technology out there to help you pry into their cell phone life. It is software that is actually made to allow you into someone’s private life. There was a time when this was called invasion of privacy! Snooping on Cheating Spouses   Professors to blame? Just why cheating among younger women is up has been debated. But some wonder if it has to do with a basic moral lapse on campus and too many male professors deluding themselves into believing it is all right to get involved with students. In talking to more Yale folks I was directed to this essay, “Love on Campus” by William Deresiewicz. In critiquing the many movies in which he notes professors fall in love with students, he says: ”In the figure of the movie professor, Americans can vicariously enjoy the thought of close proximity to all that firm young flesh while simultaneously condemning the desire to enjoy it - the old Puritan dodge.”  Love on Campus Ironically people claim infidelity is morally wrong, yet it is still on the rise. For more on cheating, view yesterday's post Cheating, Cyber-sex, and Secrets It isn’t always the men who seduce, “Here’s to you Mrs. Robinson.” The You Tube musical tribute is right here! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Red Hot and Sexy Tips to Keep Him from Cheating

Rita Watson — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 04:01:49 +0000
The news today tells us that Red is a hot color that attracts men. Here are some other thoughts from women's magazines that you should find both interesting and informative. Wear Red to Boost Sex Appeal - the latest research, yes, someone received money to do research to discover that red means sex appeal. The article said that not only did men find red to be appealing, but that "Men also were more likely to say they wanted to have sex with a woman and that they would be willing to spend more on a date if she were in red, according to the report in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology." Read the piece to find out why. This is from CNN Health News. CNN News, Sex appeal When Is Not-So-Sexy ... Oh-So-Sexy? While we are on the subject of hot, you will want to see what men consider to be hot, particularly when they are smitten by a women. This Redbook piece says, ""When a man is in love, what he finds really attractive is the feeling that he's seeing you for who you truly are," explains REDBOOK Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women. "To a guy, the makeup, the sexy outfit, it's all a mask. He wants the woman behind the mask. Openness, vulnerability, an air of contentment - those things are what really turns him on." Here is what seven women feel. Redbook Sex and Love What's the sexiest part of a woman's body? You will want to see what these guys think and why as told to Glamour magazine. The rule was "No, you cannot talk about breasts or butts" and so the results will surprise you. Glamour Love and Sex How to Keep Him from Cheating: Since this blog is about relationships, here is some advice to keep your relationship strong while he is away at the office. But first I would like to say that I have interviewed Dr. Haltzman and his books also present helpful hints on how to keep love alive in your marriage. Here is a feature from Cosmopolitan. Cosmopolitan Love and Sex Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Cheating, Diamonds, Furs, and Forgiveness

Rita Watson — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 04:36:45 +0000
Marriages can be saved after infidelity - while it always takes forgiveness, for some women it means diamonds and furs. As a society we seem to have lost our vision of marriage as commitment. In a new book by Susan Squire, she presents a different view of marriage called, "I Don't: A Contrarian History of Marriage." She points out that the institution of marriage is essentially rooted in various beliefs vascillating from courtly love to Christian sanctity from procreation to deception. I Don't: A Contrarian History of Marriage It's the deception part that gets us into trouble because it turns into infidelity. Since we are no longer a society of wives and concubines our aspirations to perfecting the sacredness of marriage fall short. As a society our dream of happily ever after has been evolving into happily after the hefty divorce settlement or happily after each marriage or until one of us is caught cheating. The guilt gift: In certain Boston circles there is a high-priced jeweler, let's day in the Newbury Street neighborhood. Whenever someone spots a neighbor's husband leaving the tiny but elegant establishment, the whispers start. "He's picking her out diamonds to deflect her suspicions about his new mistress."   Diamonds have a certain mystery about them and A museum history Tiffany diamond statement jewelry does just that -- makes a statement. Tiffany diamonds As the gossip goes -- a diamond for his wife and a fur for his mistress. Why do men cheat in the first place? There are a variety of reasons and I will direct you to other posts I have written. What is important, however, in preserving a marriage is the forgiveness factor. Why Do Men Cheat on their Wives? Mending and Forgiving:  The secret to overcoming the sting of infidelity is forgiveness. In Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth he talked about the essence of marriage with journalist Bill Moyers some years ago. He called "loyalty" the essence of marriage - "not cheating, not defecting - through whatever trials or suffering, you remain true."   Bill Moyers said: "In marriage, every day you love, and every day you forgive. It is an ongoing sacrament - love and forgiveness." Power of Myth The Mayo Clinic offers advice on what to do about infidelity and how to mend a marriage after an affair. Mayo Clinic Infidelity Advice WebMD also offers advice on repairing marriages. Marriages do survive infidelity, but it takes courage to forgive someone who violates the marriage vows. Overcoming Infidelity Marriage, the relationship: Professor Campbell added: "The real life of a marriage or a true love affair is in the relationship.... Marriage is the symbolic recognition of our identity - two aspects of the same being." If one thinks about two aspects of the same being, it is a way of thinking about your positive qualities as well as your negative traits.   If marriage is two aspects of the same being then the person who brings out the best in you and you in them, is the start of lifelong love and "happily ever after. Practice forgiving. It is a lot simplier than you might think.

Write down the one thing that is bothering you about your spouse or lover.

Ask yourself what role you are playing in the problem.

Then write ten positive qualities of your partner. A friend who long practiced Religious Science says it takes ten positives to cancel out one negative.

Begin to see yourself interacting with the positive person with whom you fell in love.

A Serenity Journal has a simple section on how to achieve forgiveness. A Serenity Journal - www.Amazon.com link. Take a chance and embrace change, a change in thinking from anger to forgiveness. It will do wonders for your heart and may save your marriage. (For statistics, see Relationship columns) As for the diamonds -- Marilyn says it best. Here is Marilyn Monroe singing: Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend.    Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

A Look at Lip-Sync Morality

Rita Watson — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 04:20:00 +0000
Those who know me understand that I am passionate about children, as such you will forgive me a political rant or two. In the midst of Sarah Palin panic about Roe v. Wade, I did some thinking about my own views and I decided we need a national plan for children - all children.  While this post is not about love and sex in the way I usually write about it, I do hope you will indulge me. In many ways, it is about our relationship to the next generation -- our children. And in a real way, it is about the relationship of a man and woman to a child whom they conceived and the choices they must make. The article talks about legislation.  The one person who really helped me remain committed was Brian McGrory, then the Washington correspondent for the New Haven Register, now Deputy Managing Editor for the Boston Globe. When Phyllis Schafley was passing out leaflets warning about our programs, Brian alerted us. We quickly learned we would have an uphill battle. But thanks to the press -- children won. Safety standards for day care passed as did a continuum of care model for chemically dependent mothers and therapeutic care for their children. This article is adapted from a piece that I wrote for the New Haven Register on Tuesday, October 21^,2008. At the end you will find individual links to my Relationship Columns for the week. A Broader Approach Needed on Protection of Life by Rita Watson Tuesday, October 21, 2008 6:06 AM EDT WITH abortions numbering 850,000 a year, lip-sync moralists are jockeying for the rights to champion the unborn in this election year. I am wondering: Is each person who believes in the right to life willing to support a child - from birth to age 18 - for every mother who "chooses life," as religious groups advocate, rather than terminating her pregnancy? Pregnant and waddling like an overstuffed duck, I remember leaving church on "Respect Life Sunday" just after raising my right hand to promise I would oppose abortion. Why? My eyes scanned the page and notably absent were the words "I also oppose war and capital punishment." Who are the women making the abortion choice? According to the Centers for Disease Control, of the more than 850,000 legal abortions in a year, 82 percent of the women were unmarried. The breakdown of ages: 25 through 29, about 250,000 abortions per year; 16-19, approximately 126,000; those under 15, fewer than 5,000. New York City had the nation's highest abortion rate, with 87,000 pregnancy terminations in a state that had 125,000 total. Second is Texas, with 79,000. Third is Illinois with over 42,000, followed by Pennsylvania, 37,000, and Georgia, 34,000. The states with numbers hovering at 25,000 include Massachusetts, Michigan, Virginia and Washington, with the remainder, including Connecticut, reporting fewer than 11,000 abortions. There were no figures for Alaska, California and New Hampshire. These most recent comprehensive figures are from 2002 and were reported by CDC in 2005. The number of women seeking legal abortions is not adjusted by percentage in proportion to state populations, and figures do not include privately arranged abortions by physicians who do not necessarily report. But what does it matter? Numbers represent lives cut short. States should have been designing legislative safety nets and family-focused alternatives long before the Sarah Palin panic. Perhaps, it is time to focus energies on a new approach and reinvent the U.S. Children's Bureau of 1912 and update it to be an all inclusive educational, legal and medical agency for both sides of the reproduction issue, designed to help states help women. Abortion is just one part of a larger problem that often affects families trapped in poverty, illiteracy and overpopulation. At Yale University during the 1980s at the psychology department we spearheaded legislation on infant care leave, national child care standards and 21st century schools. Later at the psychiatry department we drafted a continuum of care model for pregnant substance abusers as an alternative to jail. The landmark bill was promoted nationally by Sen. Christopher J. Dodd, D-Conn., in an effort to put children and families first. While I cannot raise my hand to oppose abortion without opposing war and capital punishment, I can point a finger at both political parties and ask: "Why is there no platform to support a range of choices for women and a commitment to protect infants and children from conception through their school years?" Let's abandon No Child Left Behind - which teaches children to take tests instead of to think - and let's start with the basics. No Child Left in Poverty. No Child to Bed Hungry. No Child in a Homeless Shelter. And please, No Child Neglected and Abused. Is it more important to spend millions of dollars on ads to elect a president and bail out Wall Street than to make a nonpartisan commitment to our children - in utero and in life? If so, the words of Mercutio in "Romeo and Juliet" may one day come to haunt us: "A plague on both of your houses." (I wish to thank Kathy Collins for her astute editing and for taming my tirade.) Rita Watson is an associate fellow at Yale University's Ezra Stiles College. For those of you wondering what happened to the love, sex, and relationships, go to the Week in Review OR simply click on these links. Hot Coffee Warms Hearts ; Sex Becomes Better with Age ; Heart, Home, Renovation, and Divorce ; First Comes Marriage, Then Comes Love ; Too Much Cheating, We Need Happily Ever After ; and Cougar Love and Longevity, but not for Madonna Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Casablanca, from Cheating to Forgiving, a Week in Review

Rita Watson — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 04:20:50 +0000
Since this has been a week about cheating, for those of you who have forgotten how good love can be -- and the power of forgiveness -- a scene and music from Casablanca. Then onto the list of links for the week. : Cheating, Diamonds, Furs, and Forgiveness Red Hot and Sexy Tips to Keep Him from Cheating Cheating Spouses, Snooping Spouses, Blaming Professors Cheating, Cyber-sex, and Secrets How Divorce Hurts Families and Taxpayers A Look at Lip-Sync Morality (from my New Haven Register piece: "A Broader Approach Needed on Protection of Life" which I wrote after a Sarah Palin Panic) See you Monday for love and laughter. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Laughter as the Best Medicine, Video

Rita Watson — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 04:01:42 +0000
Laughter as medicine is not a new thought. But the surprising growth of Laughter Clubs around the world is promising to improve health and relationships as well.   Research findings in the medical literature indicate that laughter has healing properties. As we approach the finish of a campaign that has strained political and social relationships, it is time for a good laugh. Those of you living in two political persuasion households -- that is a red and blue couple -- should take note of this study. Click on the video and consider spending the night laughing and loving. Laughter as medicine    Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Love and Laughter with News Anchor in Hysterics

Rita Watson — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 04:16:43 +0000
It is Election Day in the United States and it is time we all vote, then relax, and have a good laugh just to keep our spirits high. AND if you are looking for love, this could be the secret love potion -- laughter. Now, just to get you in the mood -- have a laugh and then read how laughter helps you attract love. According to The Times of India, "There's no universal formula while wooing someone. But ‘laughter,' it seems, is one of the ‘most attractive' traits in the opposite sex. . . A recent survey by Vanderbilt University reports, "If you are trying to favourably impress a member of the opposite sex, how you laugh could play an important role in whether you are successful."   In Love With Laughter And from Yahoo, here is the lead quote on this story, "A guy who can make me laugh can get into my pants." Dating and laughter From Science and the Spirit, Laughing Ourselves to Life, says: "We can't live without it. We have no idea how or when we invented it. And we can't fake it-especially when tears of joy are running down our faces. Laughter is wonderfully human - it heals, bonds, and even sometimes breaks us." Laughter as medicine Then there is the book on Belly Laughing and Relationships. I didn't read this book, but I can tell you from just one of the chapter heads that I would love it "Dance with them what brung you" is a line I heard spoken by the late Molly Ivins, a political columnist -- as she was talking about the Bush years. And I can still hear her throaty laughter. Enda Junkins, specializes in Laughter Therapy, and her book is called Belly Laughter in Relationships: Something Else Positive Below the Belt. Her website says the book "explores all the serious aspects of relationships from a lighter point of view and shows how couples that laugh together develop vital, life-long friendships in which they never fall out of love." Belly-Laughter What we love so much about laughter is that it is contagious, according to Robert Provine, Ph.D., of the University of Maryland. When you hear other people laugh, you tend to laugh too. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Love with the Laughter of Leo Buscaglia

Rita Watson — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 04:01:46 +0000
It is the day after election day in America and I wrote this on Monday because I am away. But love is always in the air if we just remember to take time to listen for love. If you are waiting for the one and only -- listen to Leo! But first take a chance on finding happiness by:

Letting go of worn out friendships and relationships.

Breaking away from old patterns that hinder your happiness such falling in love with the unavailable.

Laughing at yourself and accepting who you are.

Forgetting the notion of "the one and only."

What will love sound like?   Not a crackling fire. An old saying goes something like this: Starts hot, burns out fast. Starts slow, lasts long. Here is hoping that love sounds like laughter. And if you are not certain about laughter, read yesterday's blog post. Here is Leo Buscaglia’s humorous and thought-provoking take on those who are looking for the perfect love.    Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Love, Just Love and Beetles Video Link

Rita Watson — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 04:01:33 +0000
If you wish to bring love into your life, here are some ideas that will help you attract what you desire.
Speak words of love and speak lovingly.

Give praise and good wishes generously.

Think about what the person will feel like when he or she is close to you.

Hear a conversation in your head as to what you will talk about.

Answer the question, “What will my day look like if I start it and end it with the love of my life."
Most of all, be open to laughter. And I would like to add, make time for one another that doesn’t consist of doing, but being and enjoying and relaxing and loving. Keep in mind that we are talking life long love, not a momentary fling or thrill that starts out hot and fiery but burns out fast when you discover why “love is blind.” This is about the true, stable companionship of joys and sorrows, good times and bad, agreements and disagreements — but always you can say, “I am here.” The question of love has been asked for centuries. One can search for love, or one can wait for love.   But for certain one must prepare the heart to give and receive love.   The more love we give to others, the more likely love will come to us. The choice is ours. Because this is a week of love and laughter, I can't resist this one from The Beetles: Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Money Woes Make for Grumpy Couples, Take Time for Love

Rita Watson — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 04:01:20 +0000
Here is a copy of my article from the Providence Journal on Sunday: Money woes make for grumpy couples. But the end of the piece gives a suggestion on loving and laughter. Rita Watson: Money woes make for grumpy couples 01:00 AM EDT on Sunday, November 2, 2008 / The Providence Journal and as featured on World News and France Observer. Rita_Watson_Money_woes_World News Network RESULTS OF A MONEY Management International survey seem poignantly right for 73 percent of women who put financial savvy before looks or love in choosing a marriage partner. With the economy spiraling downward will each woman stand by her man? Therapists are seeing more depression among couples today. Money is poised to ease out sex as the top reason for divorce. When financial instability escalates so too does anxiety, which triggers depression. "While many things can interfere with sleep, stress and anxiety are very common, especially during an economic downturn," according to neurologist Carl W. Bazil, M.D. "Ruminating about financial and personal problems, particularly as people quiet down and try to get to sleep, can interfere with relaxation and sleep onset. After poor sleep, people tend to be more irritable, which can lead to further anxiety and continued difficulty with sleep," he said. Sleep is so important that even losing an hour or two a night can interfere with a person's thinking and judgment. With interrupted sleep what eventually happens is "an involuntary pattern of poor relaxation and sleep interference with associated depression and poor functioning levels," added Dr. Bazil, an associate professor of clinical neurology at Columbia University's College of Physicians and Surgeons. The National Center for Health Statistics reported in September that depression now affects one person in 20. How does today's economy exacerbate depression? William Hurt Sledge, M.D., medical director of Yale New Haven Psychiatric Hospital, explained: "As couples or people who mean something to each other get stressed with this uncertain economy, they become preoccupied inwardly because of the threat to the self. In the process, they become relatively inaccessible, irritable and unable to be as generous and generative. In other words, they get really grumpy." We all know the arguments that ensue at breakfast based on the "You spilled the milk" scenario. The shouting match is never about the milk. He added, "Resentments get magnified, regrets become manifest, old wounds are reopened for review and inspection, and recriminations are laid out, After all, it is only money. But if the money signifies perhaps lifetime achievement, comfort, success - then the sense of self takes a serious hit." We cannot fix Wall Street, but we can ward off depression and insomnia. "This cycle can be broken by medication, which can help with relaxation at bedtime, or by behavioral techniques, such as meditation, which help with relaxation," said Dr. Bazil. "Many people need both. But the longer sleeplessness continues, the more difficult it can become to restore good sleep patterns. Early intervention is preferable." Another mood booster is just a good hug. A report in October's Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine notes that caring touch and massage can lower stress hormones. What about sex? About five years ago, a paper called "Money, Sex and Happiness: An Empirical Study" was presented to the National Bureau on Economic Research. From a data sample of 16,000 adult Americans, researchers found that "sexual activity enters strongly positively in happiness equations." Essentially, sex made the respondents feel better. Dr. Sledge pointed out, "Some people reach out to each other and actually become more generative and generous, bringing a sense that whatever awful things happen, they will endure with the good that they have." For those battling over money issues big or small, you might try to scale back, speak kindly to each other, and find time for loving. To forget money worries some couples are using frequent-flyer miles at nearby hotels just to escape overnight. If affordable places adapted the innovation of one Atlantic City hotel, they might be hanging up "No Vacancy" signs. At this ultra-luxury hotel, guest rooms have passion boxes filled with sexy goodies. If you decide to splurge on one last vacation at this resort, keep in mind that once you remove the passion kit from the shelf, you have just 60 seconds to peek inside. A minute longer and $18 will be charged to your room. However, if it takes your mind off the market and gives you the opportunity to reinvest in each other, then it could be priceless.                                                                             -30- When life gets messy -- as it can with financial woes -- take the time to laugh and read the words of Rabbi Irwin Kula in his book called Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life.   In the book Rabbi Kula explores the great yearings in our lives: Truth, Meaning, The Way, Love, Create, Happiness, and Trancendence. Reading about love in these times of stress will uplift you and help you to find some meaning in the chaos of financial stress. Perhaps it will lead to a less complicated life which gives you more time for laughter and love. Here is a link to Amazon.com Yearnings. COMMENTS CAN BE ADDED ON SUNDAY'S WEEK IN REVIEW -- MANY THANKS/ R Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Love Bits: Sex, Fun, Red and Happy

Rita Watson — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 03:00:45 +0000
With economic worries couples tend to be more stressed. So as Dr. Ruth tells us, we can even go through a sexual recession. But here are some thoughts on keeping balance and spice in your life. SEX: To overcome bedroom blues, just try doing it. Sometimes even if we don't feel hungry, once we start eating, our appetite returns --so says our favorite sex therapist. Dr. Ruth and Sexual Recession FUN: These suggestions, 70 in all, might seem laughable to some of you. But, that is the point of this week. Think of ways to bring a bit of fun back into your life even as money appears to dwindle. Seventy Ways to Have Fun Together RED: I reported on this earlier this week, but it seems to be making the Internet rounds.  Pehaps it is telling us to "perk up."  Lady in red drives the men crazy, study finds HAPPINESS: The BBC has run a series on happiness. Take a look at these stories and perhaps they will stimulate some happy thoughts. Happiness Project and even a Laughter Workshop LAUGHTER: And if you don't believe that laughter is contagious, just click on my favorite weather reporter.    COMMENTS: Would love to hear from you. Tomorrow is our Week in Review and there is a full comment section for each post from Monday to Saturday. I will look forward to hearing from you. Happiness/ R Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Fight the Blues Week: Love, Laugh Videos, Sex, and Comments

Rita Watson — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 04:27:35 +0000
When we think of "Girls Night Out" we think of laughing ladies. To help with the giggles, it seems that ladies in Britain are given free alcohol in bars. This past month, there is some consideration about ending the practice. from BBC News Last week, Alice and Jane of Redbook magazine weighed in and asked "How do you feel about ladies night out?" from Shine at Yahoo Frankly, I know of many women who feel it is almost a mental health must. That reminds me, haven't had a ladies cigar and champagne night out for a while. The Round-up: Here are links to the round-up of stories for the week.   Comments at the end are welcome. We present some comments that came this week to earlier stories. Laughter as the Best Medicine, Video Love and Laughter with News Anchor in Hysterics Love with the Laughter of Leo Buscaglia Love, Just Love and Beetles Video Link Money Woes Make for Grumpy Couples, Take Time for Love Love Bits: Sex, Fun, Red and Happy RECENT COMMENTS: from Joe J: save Tuesday, November 11th at 10 pm Joe J says, "ET Melissa Francis examines the world of high-end prostitution in the CNBC Original "Dirty Money: The Business of High-End Prostitution". In every city in America sex is for sale and much of it operates in plain view. But, there's one corner of the trade protected like none other... the business of high-end prostitution where clients can spend hundred of thousands of dollars each year. It's a secret world with rules and practices that will change everything you think you know about the buying and selling of sex. Join Melissa as she ventures into this secret world. For web extras visit http://dirtymoney.cnbc.com. From Another Sex Scandal Rocks the Florida House 2008/11/03 at 1:01 PM from Inna In the article a huge thank you all for the cause, a lot of people are using From Condom Ring Tones: A Musical Reminder, 2008/11/05 at 8:45 PM from Internet Affair Investigator I'm a private investigator and I specialize in mostly Internet investigations, catching people cheating on dating sites and escort service web sites. I'm going to check out your books and write a review on my blogs. From Cheating, Cyber-sex, and Secrets, 2008/10/29 at 11:24 AM from The B I had three cups this morning and other than keeping me awake, it seems to have raised my level of context. If I sat down at your nauna's dining room table and she served me a warming bowl of pasta fagole I might associate the dish with fond memories of her the rest of my life. But would I feel any different if she served me a slice of panna cotta sans the demitasse? When you meet friends or colleagues after work, do you usually go out for a cup of cafe? And in the middle of summer, if you end up at the local espresso parlor do you order yours on the rocks or steamier than the outdoor climes? And when your researcher speaks of ‘western culture', is he speaking specifically about the environs of a section of New Haven or has he forgotten that sweet tea over ice has long been a staple in the American South? Can you ever have an excess of physical warmth? You can see what too much coffee has done to me here. And I'm sure your nauna would advise you against that second bowl of soup before going out on a date. One's Maxwell House moment is another's Maalox ordeal. Warmth and generosity come from the heart. Contrary to the research findings, your doctor's spouse did not conjure up forgiveness out of a mocha frappuccino.. From Hot Coffee Warms Hearts, 2008/10/27 at 9:59 PM YOUR COMMENTS? Please feel free to add your comments - and in the words of another writer: "It's my blog and I get to choose whose comments appear and which to edit down." Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Love Deal-breakers and Word Power

Rita Watson — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 04:00:22 +0000
I so often hear from men and women looking for love, but once they find it something goes wrong. Words become swords instead of roses.  Here is an updated column that looks at creative loving, deal-breakers, and word power. When Sex and Gratitude Trumps the King IF ALOVEMATCH.COM merged with aNewCar.com would relationships have a longer shelf life? With fall in the air, more invitations to join a Man-of-the-Month club arrive at my door than enhancement ads that clutter up the nation’s e-mail. Whatever happened to serendipity or friends introducing friends? Friends are either helping the divorce rate hover at 50 percent or e-mailing let’s-get-together-times without getting together. I remember when friends dropped by spontaneously to share a glass of wine, laughter and exchange stories about creative ways to thwart a blow up. We are still amused when thinking about the chess widow. Surprising sex: “Once he gets started, I’m invisible. The other night, I surprised him. I slipped into the den wearing nothing more than a trench coat and whispered into his ear. Then I smiled sweetly at his puzzled partner and said, ‘Sex trumps the King.’ By morning my husband was grinning gratefully.” Her humor contradicts a new Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine report suggesting that wives, though not necessarily husbands, should “speak out” during marital disputes or risk a heart attack. Perhaps the quiet men are rewarded with a protective benefit, sex twice a week. A 10-year South Wales comparison study reported 50 percent lower mortality risk in men with “high orgasmic frequency.” Online sex: This may be good news for online daters. Of 40 million Americans going to match services, 30 percent of women engage in sex on a first date, according to the recent Sexuality Research and Social Policy report. I know of five couples who married their online match. But for another twosome, serendipity intervened. “When I met my wife, we were Baby Boomers at an Ivy League graduate program. She was using one of those high-end dating services. I didn’t fit her stuffy doc profile. I kept telling her, ‘I’m younger than you are and more fun than these older guys.’ So I kept asking her out until she married me.” The experience of this couple, who are complementary opposites, underscores the “perception versus reality” problem. We seldom see ourselves as others see us. Perhaps online daters and even committed couples, who wish to enhance each others virtues, might try the profile exchange. If you write a short profile of yourself and add five positive qualities and five negative traits, then ask a friend to write an honest profile as he or she sees you, would your “perceived-self” recognize your “real-self”? Sometimes misperception stands in the way of a love match and relationships keep ending sadly. Yale’s Robert J. Sternberg, Ph.D., suggests rewriting your love story and finding someone with a comparable dream. A serious love scenario, in which “lifelong” is a priority, will foster youthful, healthy aging. Potential partner specs: It is as important to think about desirable attributes in a potential partner as it is to gather specifics regarding a new car: style, acceleration, performance, horsepower, safety and dependability. The deal-breakers in relationships: Couples who once did share the story of devoted lovers and friends often hit rocky places. Nagging, thoughtlessness, unkind words, and passive-aggressiveness become tripping points. An exercise in gratitude is a simple solution. Thinking of the endearing qualities that your partner possesses, even if these seem to be hiding, and expressing gratitude for them, will spark a change in your attitude and your partner’s reactions. Skeptical of word power? Sound-bites change voter opinion -- this past week, "CHANGE" helped bring us a new president. Sound-bites influence juries. Remember the glove? “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.” Showing gratitude instead of criticizing: Whisper a “thank you,” each morning for your spouse or lover and replay in your head his or her positive qualities. Instead of saying, "You never listen to me or do what you are supposed to do" or the deal-breaker, "How many times have I told you," why not compliment instead? Just silent appreciation based on the principle of subliminal word thought, can create renewed respect, and peacefulness.   When it comes to intimacy, passion and joy as lifelong goals, these require sprucing up day by day. A kind word goes a long way. Updated and adapted from Providence Journal article of November 2007 -- Here is the link to Robert Sternberg's work. Write Your Own Love Story of Romance and Spicy Sex Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Sniping at Each Other, A Love Deal Breaker

Rita Watson — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 06:06:02 +0000
Why is it that words are so often used as swords instead of roses? Cars, Sex, and The Passive Agressive Lane How I became a relationships writer is a bit of serendipity, although my secret fantasy was to become the Sex in the City for Men Only columnist. Why? I am the mother of sons, spent years at The Times as one of the guys plus another 10 years in psychology and psychiatry at Yale. And I realized that I can write about the subject because growing up in a working world of men, we talked often about relationships, generally after I made an analogy between cars and sex - without blushing. This problem: The next day, I would receive a phone call inviting me to lunch. We would begin with complaints about editors and deadlines. Then across the table I would see a slight turn of the head, clenched jaw, and hunched shoulders. He might even loosen his tie. Finally a lowered voice would say, "We are having this problem." Somehow, we could talk freely until we came too close to the real issue - sexual needs versus understanding. Then it was back to wishing for the luxury that eluded us in Manhattan, owning a car. What changed? Cars are a safe subject and car writers get right down to the details. Whether or not a man plans to buy a new car is irrelevant. The articles cover specifics. A man knows that what he reads, sees, test drives, and eventually buys is what he gets. When something goes wrong, he has the repair manual and a maintenance schedule. Relationships are not that clear-cut. Men so often say, "After we were married, something changed, mostly our sex life." Do women change their spots? I would like to believe that as women we are not leopards changing our spots. Yet even Boston Legal featured Denny Crane learning that his fifth wife was planning on retiring him to Hawaii minutes after saying, "I do." It would be ideal if the sexes could talk about expectations and perceptions. But it doesn't happen that way. When a man comes home from work, a woman may ask with sincerity, "How was your day?" But he doesn't want to talk about it. Many women in offices are disillusioned with the workforce. Yet, they bring the office home with them and want to talk about conflicts, confrontations, and demands. Chances are he doesn't want to hear about it, at least not immediately. The sniping begins: Then the accusation comes at him: "You never talk to me." As we shift into a 24/7 Blackberry, laptop and two-paycheck society, there are too many couples on overdrive moving into the passive-aggressive or snipe-at-each-other lane. When a car shows signs of stress, or needs a tune-up, men handle it immediately. There is a problem and men fix it. In a relationship, who is responsible for the tune up? Perhaps women should take the lead. Although men today are more involved in parenting and family than our fathers were, women have that sixth sense. Research at Yale indicates that women have so keen an intuition that they sense a relationship problem at its inception. Skills instead of sniping: If men and women could develop their intuitive skills and interpret the silences, downcast eyes, uncomfortable moments and body language, perhaps more relationships could be saved. Or should women be using their gift to cultivate non-judgmental spaces within the home? In an atmosphere with no hidden agendas, just simple clarity, both parties would benefit. When home is a sanctuary, men might find saying, "Can we talk?" is as easy as test driving a car. Adapted from Providence Journal article. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Red Flags, Children, and Unkind Words: Love's Deal Breakers

Rita Watson — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 04:21:37 +0000
Perceptive power - you know you possess it. And you know those moments when you "just knew" that you might be in a deal breaker situation. I talked with Dr. Karen Sherman and she had some advice. For me, I firmly believe that when you think you are being deceived, duped, or cast into what you feel is an unnecessary conflict, you are probably right. Red flags are little notes from your intuition that help you take your hunches seriously. If you are in a relationship and think you are deceiving yourself about your love, you are probably right. As I looked at statistics about love and divorce, I found that inching up towards the big deal breakers, which are lack of sex and money, are kids and unkind words. Dr. Sherman has a lot to say about unkind words such as, "How many times have I told you?" Or "You never listen to me." So for today, let's look at conflicts that couples - both dating and married - have with children. Dads and girlfriends: I am often asked these days "How do we deal with children conflicts?" Usually these are from 40ish men with shared custody who get into conflicts with girlfriends who want more time with them and complain or disagree about their permissiveness. One young father, with elementary school-age sons, finds himself in conflict with a woman who wants more of his time. Custodial fathers often face tough situations. He tells me he knows he should leave her, but he rationalizes - "She is good to the kids." Dr. Sherman said, "I'd be wary about girlfriends who don't understand the need to spend time with the children and complain about not having more time with them. This is foretelling of things to come. I think a man who is committed to spending time with his kids has his priorities straight." Permissiveness: Then there is the issue of permissiveness. Girlfriends often complain as do wives of their "Disneyland Dad." Dr. Sherman tells us, "I do think many men are afraid to set boundaries for fear that they might be disliked by their kids. Of course, they may also be uncertain about how to set boundaries. In the best of all worlds, the guy and his 'x' have a good enough relationship that they work together around the kids and can discuss boundaries. " "One's girlfriend should respect what they set up. If the divorced couple do not get along and the girlfriend is truly a concerned one, she may be appropriate to speak to." Hunches and unkind words: But go back to your hunches. If you are hanging onto a relationship out of fear, that isn't healthy. Pretty soon you will be finding yourselves in a situation in which words fly, tempers flare, and everyone loses. This can be a real deal-breaker unless you sit and talk rationally and work on a plan that is beneficial to children, parents, and lovers. Dr. Karen Sherman, a licensed psychologist in New York, has been in private practice for over 20 years. Her focus is relationships/marriage and helping people achieve their greatest potential. Karen is the author of "Mindfulness and The Art of Choice: Transform Your Life" which enables people to let go of conditioned responses and empower them to make their own choices. Here is the Amazon.com link: Mindfulness and the Art of Choice She also co-authored Marriage Magic: Find it, Keep it, Make it Last Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Text Messaging Can Mean Love, Danger, or a Deal Breaker

Rita Watson — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 04:35:49 +0000
The art of a text message can warm a heart and ease tension. But it can also create danger, become a boundary violation, or turn into a cell phone smashing. The good news: It's a new way to flirt If you are in a stressful traveling situation, it helps to send a fun or sexy message to someone who wishes he or she could see you more often. The way we flirt is changing according to this Chicago Tribune article. It says that  "the immediacy of text-messaging makes it the preferred medium among information-barraged teens and twentysomethings-it's the contemporary, wireless equivalent of passing notes in class." Well, in fact it is happening with couples and people of all ages. Can you fill in the words IWU? IWUWM? IWtoHY. It is reminiscent of the days back when when Aristotle Onassis sent gold bracelets to his sweethears JILY or MILY. By the by, the reporter noted that "between December 2005 and December 2007, the number of text messages sent and received in the United States increased almost fivefold, from 9.8 billion text messages a month to 48.1 billion, according to The Wireless Association." How much love is wireless?  Wireless Love The bad news: It can be dangerous to couples Sometimes two people know a relationship is rocky but coast along until an irritant pushes them over the edge. For one couple, the cell phone was their demise. "Whenever it rang, my wife would become furious if I didn't tell her who was calling, " said one young husband. "Then at a party one night, it rang. Well it didn't ring, it indicated a little text message." I started to put it right back in my pocket. But before I could hide the evidence, she grabbed it and stepped on it." This story did not end happily. And U can tell you many variations all with the same theme from a phone call to a text message. On woman I know took the phone from her husband, opened a window and sent it sailing across the street. Bad news: Missouri teacher crossing the line The most disturbing text message story we heard in a long time came from Missouri. The Lamar County School Board in Missouri recently implemented a policy forbidding teachers and students from having any text-message conversations or social-networking friendships. It seems that parents thought their child was spending time with a teacher who was helping the child overcome shyness. Education lawyer Jim Keith apparently urged the parents to check the child's phone bill. They found 4,200 text messages between the teacher and student. From CNN.com, here is the story: Cnn.com Bad News: Danger to Others A recent report by Jennifer Steinhauer and Laura M. Holson for the New York Times noted, " Though there are no official casualty statistics, there is much anecdotal evidence that the number of fatal accidents stemming from texting while driving, crossing the street or engaging in other activities is on the rise." They reported statistics even higher than previously noted, "In June, 75 billion text messages were sent in the United States, compared with 7.2 billion in June 2005, according to CTIA - the Wireless Association, the leading industry trade group." Lawmakers in many states are seeking to ban cell phone use by drivers. Another interesting text messaging note -- it appears to lower one's IQ by 10 points! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Husband Snatchers aka the Male Poachers

Rita Watson — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 04:03:50 +0000
We talk a lot about men who cheat on their wives. Here are some shocking statistics about women who go after another woman's husband. And in marriage, this is often a deal breaker. In a piece by Jessie Knadler for Women's Health in the November issue, we learn that 62 percent of women interviewed say they would rather be the mistress than the spurned wife. She also tells us why there is no longer a Scarlet Letter which brands women who cheat and why "Angelina Jolie, [is] now seen by many as a saint, not as a home wrecker, and France's first lady, Carla Bruni, hailed as the new Jackie Onassis. Such labels would have been unthinkable a generation ago. " Knadler points out that "some experts believe our views of marriage are changing. . . And a number of studies have shown that about half of all married men and women have cheated." Here is the bad news for mistresses who have expectations -- "a survey of 4,126 male business executives found that only 3 percent married their mistress." Women's Health Why people cheat: The book that is becoming the "go to" source for understanding infidelity is called: When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships by Mira Kirshenbaum. In her work,  When Good People Have Affairs, she identifies 17 different types of affairs. This book is being called a lifeline for two people caught between two loves. On the other hand, Rhoda Fine, PhD, a clinical sexologist and diplomate of The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists says, “There are a variety of reasons why people cheat, and it’s not always about the sex. People cheat because they’re selfish, immature or narcissistic. Or they’re excitement junkies and attracted to the drama. They put their needs ahead of others and rarely blame themselves why they cheated in the first place.” To find out more go to my earlier piece called Why Men Cheat Forgiveness: Cheating may not necessarily be the end of a relationship — it may be the wake up call. The research shows that a partner who cheats often needs companionship more than sex. At the risk of sounding like a preacher, I am back to the conversation between Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers: In Joseph Campbell’s The Power of Myth he talked about the essence of marriage with journalist Bill Moyers some years ago. He called ”loyalty” the essence of marriage — “not cheating, not defecting — through whatever trials or suffering, you remain true.”   Bill Moyers said: “In marriage, every day you love, and every day you forgive. It is an ongoing sacrament — love and forgiveness.” Mending a Marriage after Infidelity Takes Forgiveness Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

LoveBits: Your Body, Sex Tips 1894 and 2008, and The Pastor

Rita Watson — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 05:12:07 +0000
As I have said often, perception is reality. What are your perceptions of your body and your role with regard to intimacy? Body image: Women have an imagine of their bodies or looks, but oftentimes, it is the image that we wish to portray to other women. What we think is important, may not be what a man thinks is important. And here are the thoughts of men. What Men Really Think of Your Body Victorian and Today's Tips for Wives: For a humorous look at sex then and now, you will want to read the following to see how Victorian women discouraged sex and how 20th century women go for the gold. Then and Now Tips The Pastor is Preaching Sex: A pastor with four children is preaching seven days of sex. In his interview with CNN, he explains how the distractions of daily life interfer with a couple's intimate life, as such, he is calling for seven days of sex. A bit of a heated exchange takes place with the reporter who is suggesting intimacy workshops first and questioning what she sees as somewhat of a sex mandate. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Deal Breakers and Your Health

Rita Watson — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 05:18:37 +0000
In writing about relationships, I often focus on intimacy, friendship, forgiveness, and sex. But as we enter into a new stressed-up era it is time to take a look at our health and how health factors into relationships at home, at work, and with your health decisions. As a reminder for those who are feeling low, there are alternate ways to feel better than simply popping a pill prescribed by your family doctor. I'll report on a study that showed that exercise worked almost as well as mood enhancing medication. Today we are seeing more people experiencing sleeplessness and stress - which also are depression triggers. Here where Ambian and Lunesta and Tylenol PM might be your first reach. But before you do so, read this article which talks about a major problem that follows sleeplessness -the ability to focus. Here is a link to a story in Real Simple magazine, which was also featured this week on CNN regarding attention span and focusing. Tune up that Brain Starting Monday, Rita Watson: Relationships will expand into your relationship with your health, your physicians, your work, and your creative imagination. But first, here is the Week in Review Round-up:

Love Deal-breakers and Word Power

Sniping at Each Other, A Love Deal Breaker

Red Flags, Children, and Unkind Words: Love's Deal Breakers

Text Messaging Can Mean Love, Danger, or a Deal Breaker

Husband Snatchers aka the Male Poachers

LoveBits: Your Body, Sex Tips 1894 and 2008, and The Pastor

Remember starting Monday -- your health, your relationships, your work, and your creative imagination. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Love and Friendship from London to Lebanon

Rita Watson — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 04:27:36 +0000
Of friendships, Anaïs Nin says: "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." What a glorious Sunday for me with friends from London and their circle of friends whom I've come to know through the years. Then on Saturday I will meet with new friends through an invitation from the Consul General of Lebanon to celebrate the 65th Anniversary of the National Day of Lebanon at the Embassy in New York. But as we sipped champagne on Sunday celebrating a birthday and a bride, I looked around the room at faces of those whom I haven't seen in several years and we all picked up where we left off. And I came to understand the value of my own friends - those who know me better than I know myself.  In talking with one of the women we realized that we didn't get out more often because we said, almost simultaneously, "social recluses." We both love people and parties, but rather stay at home and have people come to us. Nonetheless we all traveled from various places to join the Londoners in Boston. And I reveled more than ever in the friendships criss crossing from across the miles. I realized how wonderfully protective friendships are. Friends help you to stay balanced, will help you laugh at yourself, and understand the forgiveness factor. Too often when a friendship, relationship, or marriage becomes rocky - for whatever the reasons - people ignore the problem, take their differences to the public arena, find solace in an affair, or simply leave. How sad. As Wilma Askinas, author of "A Splice of Life" once said, "A friend is someone who sees through you and still enjoys the view." If you don't have immediate access to a person whom you can really call "friend," then make cultivating a friendship your priority. When times are tough, when spouses hit rocky places, a friend is a priceless jewel. Maureen Dowd wrote a column for The New York Times in July talking about an ideal husband. She quoted  "Father Pat Connor, a 79-year-old Catholic priest born in Australia and based in Bordentown, N.J., [who] has spent his celibate life - including nine years as a missionary in India - mulling connubial bliss. "Never marry a man who has no friends," he starts. "This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands..." Marcel Proust has said, "Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Health, Hostility, and Happiness

Rita Watson — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 05:10:00 +0000
When are we the most happy in life? According to two researchers we reach our minimum in mid-life. Hmm, but what about the maximum? It seems that in terms of unhappiness, we take a big dip between the ages of 36 and 52.   So this should be good news for young people. The questions of happiness and life stages were studied by David G. Blanchflower Department of Economics, Dartmouth College, USA and Andrew J. Oswald, Warwick University, Coventry, UK. Their answers were presented recently in the Journal of Social Science and Medicine. They found that "psychological well-being is U-shaped through life; that is happiness reaches its minimum -- on both sides of the Atlantic and for both males and females -- in middle age. "    They collected data on 500,000 randomly sampled Americans and West Europeans. Life satisfaction Happiness: While the research indicates unhappiness in mid-life, it doesn't have to be that way. Dr. Happiness believes that happiness is always within our reach as reported in this New York Times article.  Dr. Happiness Essentially we all have a choice between happiness over hostility.  When challenged with a situation that makes your blood boil, think of the wise advice from Redford Williams, M.D., of Duke University in Durham, North Carolina, who uncovered the link between heart disease and the hostility and anger of Type A behavior. Hostility: When you find yourself in a situation that triggers hostility and anger, Dr. Williams suggests that you ask yourself if:

The situation is important enough to be worth continuing your attention

Your reaction is appropriate to the situation, and

You can change the situation.

Most times, he notes, the answer to all three questions will be, "NO." So find alternative responses, and back off. Brushing off anger is not only beneficial to your heart and health, but also your relationships. Laugh it off: Here is another method, find a way to laugh it off. You know that your mood is better after you've had a good laugh, but did you know that your health may improve, too? Studies reported by Lee Berk, M.D., a neurologist at Loma Linda University in California, and his team, as well as other researchers, show that laughter prompts changes in the body that may help the immune and endocrine systems to function better. Laughter increases the number and activity of cells that help us fight disease and decreases stress-related hormones. And a laughter bonus is that it's contagious, according to Robert Provine, Ph.D., of the University of Maryland. When you hear other people laugh, you tend to laugh too. Provine suggests that laughter does something special to our brains to trigger the laugh sounds in us. If you don't believe that laughter is contagious, watch a sitcom and listen to the laugh track. Or just click on this link... Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

More Women Stressing Over Economy, Mothers Affected and a Marriage Note

Rita Watson — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 04:01:21 +0000
Whether it is because women are often primary caretakers, or more readily admit their feelings, or are simply more aware, a recent survey shows that women are feeling the effects of the economy more so than men. But before even going to the survery article link, consider a syndrome that one of my colleagues talked about, "The Executive Home Decision-Maker." Many educated women today married, worked, and then when they had children, they decided to be stay-at-home moms. This would be ideal in any culture. A smart woman, a college graduate, perhaps even with advanced degrees raising a child rather than bringing the baby to day care -- as is the case with so many women in this country. A child care advocate: Please don't misunderstand me -- I was one of those women who lobbied for child care while working in the Psychology Department at Yale. We worked for standards so that in every state in the nation, a mother could be assured a level of care for her child that was safe and secure. Today we have a mother who was bringing in a salary. Gives up that job. And devotes herself to her family. Laudable. Then the economy comes crashing down. I hear from women everywhere -- those with children and those with no children -- that their husbands are spending more and more time at the office. Meetings go later and later. In sales -- a young man on the train confirmed the fears of low-men-on-the totem pole. He said, "We are all feeling the pressure. We are given more territory. Which can mean better sales. But in reality, it means more work for perhaps fewer sales." Where does this leave a wife and/or a mother? At home not just worrying, but adding an additional job to her already overloaded schedule.   In the 90s reports from The Work and Family Institute by Ellen Galinsky and Dana Friedman indicated that women still did the majority of work in the home. But the good news is that just last year a report from the Pew Foundation found that couples believed in sharing chores. The crashing down: However, since the economy took a nose dive many men are too depressed to take on the added responsbility at home. And instead of participating in the upkeep of a house, they reach for a drink, a TV remote, or a magazine. Or as one young mother said, "I get a lot of passive aggressive behavior and only just realized how depressed he really is. He didn't wan't to worry me because we just got a new house. But things are not looking good at his office and I didn't learn about it until I heard about the problems at school." Modern Marriage Even couples who are married but in long-distance relationships because of their jobs -- are feeling the tensions as well -- especially with husbands bringing in the larger paycheck. So what is the solution? According to this article today in Reuters by Terri Coles, "The first key to reducing stress is recognizing its symptoms, which include irritability, sadness, changes in sleep patterns, weight gain or loss, difficulty concentrating and restlessness." The article suggests that people rely on their coping strategies, and "...to stick to your existing schedule for social activities and taking some time during the day to focus on yourself." Stressed Out Women I tried doing this myself today. I made a schedule as always, and realized that I was way overscheduled. There is no such thing as getting six things done in one day, which probably accounts for my inability to get to sleep before 2 AM. And so here goes, I am writing this at 1:24 in the afternoon. I still have two appointments, mail to sort, bills to pay, my car registration to renew, thank you notes to write, magazines to toss, and two piles of "where did this come from?" to go through. Already, just thinking about it, I am dizzy. And unlike many young women today -- who have similar activities, I do not have babies wanting my attention -- attention that I would like to give to them because I made the choice to stay at home, and be their mother. MARRIAGE NOTE: A few weeks ago, on October 22, I wrote about a new book called First Comes Marriage. Here is a link to the piece on AOL which appeared yesterday. http://www.lemondrop.com/2008/11/17/planning-for-prince-charming/ And here is a link to the story on this blog.First Comes Marriage, Then Comes Love. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Paris Fights Forced Marriages as Arranged Love Headlines

Rita Watson — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 04:01:46 +0000
At a dinner party the other evening I had a talk about arranged marriage with a successful businessman and his wife, both from India. What struck me most were his thoughts about "the spark." Since the book "First Comes Marriage, Then Comes Love" made its debut, many single friends have been wondering about the concept and thinking about the possibilities. When two people share the same values, I thought to myself, of course, love is possible. First Comes Marriage, Then Comes Love One colleague of mine defined it this way, "Sometimes you need to rub two sticks together to make a fire." And that made perfect sense. I have always enjoyed heart-throb love and yet when I talk with friends who have sustained long-term relationships and marriages, I see that it love comes in waves. "There needs to be chemistry," said the business executive. "If the chemistry is not there, and there is only just a little spark, it never works out. Believe me, I know. I have seen this often in my country." And I tended to believe him because as our talk continued, I was reminded of a trip to The Hague in the Nineties. We were visiting a friend doing research on Turkish families in Amsterdam. At the time, many fathers were arranging marriages for their daughters. The men had been involved in the merchant trade and spent many years at sea. As their health failed, they wanted their daughters married and made arrangements to do so by having them taken out of school and given to a promised suitor. While these were called "arranged marriages" and the government turned its head on the practice, in reality they were forced marriages. My American friend had learned the language and become a trusted member of a group of women trying to protect their daughters from a practice that seemed almost barbaric to me. So I was particularly surprised to have had a conversation on Sunday, only to read in the news today a piece by Estelle Shirbon regarding forced marriages in Paris.  Reporting for Reuters she noted: "The Paris City Hall launched a manual on forced marriages on Wednesday to help officials spot and prevent cases of young women being coerced into matrimony." It seems that "An estimated 70,000 teenage girls living in France are victims or potential victims of forced marriages, many of them from immigrant families, according to a government study." Are we surprised that one sign is a room with 60 - 80 men on one side of the room and a young bride standing alone on the other? Paris Fights Forced Marriages But their credit, in addition to spotting the forced marriage, they are also training officials on how to counsel and even annul such marriages if necessary. Several years ago the law upped the age of marriage from 15 to 18.  No to Forced Marriages It seems shocking to us that such practices continue -- as such, awareness and the legal system seem to be making inroads in protecting the rights of young women. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

What is the Future of Marriage?

Rita Watson — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 04:01:52 +0000
The blog post yesterday about the French government opposing forced marriages had some people asking my thoughts about marriage in general. And I wonder --with the rise in infidelity and living together instead of walking down the aisle -- does marriage have a future? First off, of course, I am opposed to forced marriages. Oftentimes these are between young children and older men -- and our society has rules for protecting children from being forced into unions that can be harmful to their physical or emotional well-being.   As for arranged marriages, I do think that marriages based on values probably have just as much chance for success as marriages based on love -- which seem to last about 7 years according to most statistical reports. We often heard jokes about the 7-year-itch. But in today's society, it seems that instead of "itching" we simply scratch our signature onto a divorce decree. An arranged marriage, or a marriaged based on mutual respect and attraction offers the possibility for life long love. As Leo Buscaglia, author of LOVE, said in talking about his parents -- an arranged Italian marriage -- they grew in love. Whereas in our society today, we wait for "The one and only."   And for those waiting, the wait could go on for years. What I wonder most often is whether or not the words, “for better or worse, until death do us part” will become obsolete? With recent statistics from 13 countries showing that marriage is down while living together is up - and monogamy being challenged by polyamory - there is cause for concern. Some research indicates that monogamy is simply not part of our make-up. Couples have been choosing alternative arrangements for years - look at Eleanor and Franklin D. Roosevelt (and his mistresses), Nelson Rockefeller and his mistresses, and the open relationship between John Lennon and Yoko Ono. In the 1800s, the married Amherst College treasurer, Austin Dickinson, spent 13 years involved with a young professor’s wife, Mabel Loomis Todd. His sister, Poet Emily Dickinson helped her brother and Mabel sustain the affair. Yes, I worry about the future of marriage. However, as an incurable romantic, I am ever hopeful. Nonetheless, I paused at a New Yorker cartoon several months ago by Michael Crawford. A middle-aged couple in the formal “just married” attire of tux and tulle are sitting in the back of a limousine. The caption reads: “It didn’t have to end like this.” If you are wondering if marriage is in your mate's genes, take a look at this piece. The Marriage Gene Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Words, Well-being, and Love

Rita Watson — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 04:01:11 +0000
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. " James Tighe tells us in this piece for BBC Relationships that "Someone once said the secret of happiness is having someone to love, something to do and something to look forward to. There's probably some truth in this, although it doesn't mean you have to have an adoring spouse or partner, a high-powered job and a world cruise coming up to enjoy life." Here are his thoughts on enjoying one's relationships. Well Being When you are in a difficult situation it is always helpful to confront without being confrontational -- use humor if it will help. Then try the TACT® Strategies.

Take a minute - to define the problem

Assess the situation at hand - and how you would like to see it resolved

Consider the alternatives - not just your own but your partner's as well

Take a stand and follow through - you have to agree on a win-win situation and maybe it is won't work in the long run, but you need to start someplace

Now let's get back to the saying, "Be kind to everyone whom you meet." Here is the saying that originated with a philosopher who lived sometime in the 400 BC era!

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Leave the rest to God.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. . . .

Life is about learning to dance in the rain.

What has this to do with relationships? Everything. As such, here is a piece I wrote sometime ago and it is still one of my favorites: Words that harm, words that heal Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Money management, marriage, sex and secrets

Rita Watson — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 04:08:34 +0000
With more gloomy economic news, it is a good time to re-visit your thoughts on money management. MONEY DOESN'T CARE who owns it," was a favorite saying of our Aunti Mame. She lived lavishly even during what she called "modest times." Once we left the nest, we realized that Aunti was right. Money does not assure good taste or good manners. It does, however, provide comfort and sometimes freedom from stress. Nonetheless even in cushy two-income households money and sex (or lack thereof) are the top reasons for divorce. It seems that more sex buys more happiness than money can buy. However, the 2008 "Love and Money" survey of 1,049 people found that over 73 percent of women viewed financial know-how as a more important factor in choosing a potential partner than attractiveness. Money Management International (MMI), the largest nonprofit credit counseling agency in the United States, conducted the survey. "The problem is that most couples don't talk about money," says Brooks P. Bartlett Sr., managing director of Lighthouse Financial Group, a division of Metlife. "We spoke with one couple during a rather sad divorce and the woman said to us, ‘Look around. Do you see all of this beauty? We can't afford any of it. We are broke. I just learned about this and my husband is in denial!' Bartlett added, "Couples need to have a plan for their money." Suze Orman, author of The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom, is trying to help women and men cope with mounting debt and develop a relationship with and respect for their money. Then there is the Women's Institute for Financial Education (WIFE.org), which offers sound advice as well as a tongue-in-cheek guide to translating what "he says" and "she says." One young husband said, "Whenever we have an argument over money, my wife goes on a spending spree. Then even when I get over my anger and I try to talk with her rationally, I go from hearing ‘no make-up sex for you' to the silent treatment." What happens in this type of situation? Each will go to bed angry. Husband and wife won't sleep. And the next day neither will have a clear enough head to talk about the issue. Carl W. Brazil, M.D., Ph.D, a neurologist at the College of Physicians and Surgeons at Columbia University, says that even losing an hour or two of sleep a night can compromise how a person processes information or uses information to make judgments. When two people marry, and they have their own money-management or-mismanagement styles, they might guard money or debt as if they were holding onto a secret significant other. Experts agree that making a list of what comes in and what goes out, and having a dialogue instead of tossing accusations at each other about spending habits are important for a sound financial foundation. Financial literacy is becoming a new slogan in our economy. The Business Council and the Conference Board Survey of Chief Executives released in February found that more than 85 percent of members see conditions in the U.S. economy as having deteriorated during the past six months, "and 77 percent expect that conditions will worsen in the next six months." The Federal Reserve reported consumer debt topping $2.5 trillion in December, exclusive of mortgages. It is not surprising that the Associated Press said last week that people are saving less and borrowing more from their retirement accounts. Families are understandably worried. Bruce R. Hrovat, executive vice president and chief operating officer for Citizens Financial Group, has this advice: "Save consistently. Be consistent. Just save what you can and keep on saving. It's the time value of money. Eventually it will add up." This article is from column, Money, Marriage, Sex, and Secrets, for The Providence Journal Sunday, March 2, 2008 News of massive layoffs has many families hitting their own depression.   What is MOST IMPORTANT -- kind words not blame, anger, or accusations. If husband or wife loses a job, they feel badly enough without the other spouse going into a panic. Difficult and scary. But it is a time to pull together lovingly. CNN money Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

TV Creates Unhappiness and Identifying Depression

Rita Watson — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:01:09 +0000
The results of a new study are in. Watching too much television creates unhappiness. In our society we value happiness. We want to find happiness and be happy. But those who watch up to 25 hours a week are reported to be unhappy. Too much TV However, if you think your unhappiness is bordering on depression, here is information from the Mayo Clinic on symptons and treatment. Depression In our elusive search for happiness, I am reminded of the story in a book called Around the Year with Emmet Fox. A king was searching for the happiest man in the kingdom because he was convinced if he could wear the man's under shirt, the happiness would "rub off" onto him. At last the King's soldiers found the happiness man in the entire-- but the man didn't even own an undershirt. His happiness came from within. Around-Year-Emmet-Fox-Readings from Amazon.com. Another book to promote harmony and ward off unhappiness is called: A Serenity Journal: 52 Weeks of Prayer and Gratitude Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Marriage Loving Marathon, Intimacy, and Kind Words

Rita Watson — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 06:01:07 +0000
Remember the books about 365 days of loving? Well it seems that a minister asked married couples to spend every night for seven nights loving. Here is the CNN story follow-up story of six out of seven nights. While the minister and his wife did not achieve the goal of seven days -- what they did learn was the value of intimacy.   And in reality that was the goal -- to encourage husbands and wives to reunite in a way that put their marriage first. It is the pastor's belief that a couple's intimate life is a barometer for the marriage and how the family is doing.  CNN Video Intimacy: This BBC piece about intimacy tells us, "It's all too easy to take our relationships for granted and let moments of intimacy between you and your partner fall by the wayside. This exercise, from relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall, can help you bring back the fun and romance." BBC Intimacy. Kind words: Since this is Thanksgiving week in the United States, I will again repeat a post from the other day, "Be kind to everyone whom you meet, because we all carry a heavy burden."   To encourage intimacy, try kind words. Sometimes that means turning the other cheek, or speaking a word of praise even if you want to scream and shout. The power of forgiveness is expansive and gratitude reaps rewards. As for 365 nights of passion, here is what I wrote back in June: WebMD now has the story of 365 nights of sex. There have been at least three books about this, and we covered them all. It seems that the concept of 365 days of love-making has caught on. Couples in Charlotte and Boulder are keeping loving alive and recording their experiences.    So if you are ready to rekindle love in your marriage and want to extend intimacy beyond the seven days, here is an option: CBS news from WebMD TO READ THE NEWEST BOOK BY ALISON TYLER: NEVER HAVE THE SAME SEX TWICE Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Acts of Kindness, Words of Kindness

Rita Watson — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 04:27:54 +0000
A waitress at Pizza Hut is going to college because of her kindess to others and the kindness of those who appreciated her. After reading Froma Harrop's column today on giving thanks and expressing gratitude, I begin searching for stories about kindness.   First I came across this from FOX NEWS, " An Indiana Pizza Hut waitress with dreams of college received a much-needed boost in arriving at that goal: a $10,000 tip." She was given the money by a family who appreciated how well she treated them. It seems that one day they informed her of their plans to move away. "Osborne asked them to come say goodbye to her before they left town." To the young lady's surprise, they returned with a check to help her with her college tuition. FOX News I then made a visit to the Acts of Kindness website and found two quotes to live by. from author Henry James: Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind. from Winston Churchill: We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give. To read more about Random Acts of Kindness Acts of Kindness Intimacy and kind words: Since this is Thanksgiving week in the United States, I will again repeat a post from the other day, “Be kind to everyone whom you meet. . . " To encourage intimacy, try kind words. Sometimes that means turning the other cheek, or speaking a word of praise even if you are angry. The power of forgiveness is expansive and gratitude reaps rewards. Now let’s get back to the saying, "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."   They come from a philosopher in 400 BC -- attributed to Plato although I heard recently that was a mistaken attribution. Nonetheless the words continue:

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Leave the rest to God.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. . . .

Life is about learning to dance in the rain.

Here is a piece I wrote sometime ago and it is still one of my favorites: Words that harm, words that heal and here is Froma's column: Creators Syndicate Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

The Power of Gratitude

Rita Watson — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 03:54:36 +0000
Can you imagine that the power of just one word can transform your thinking? Word power is based on research regarding "priming" in which a word is introduced into a set of instructions. The one word introduced often influenced the outcome of a decision. We have seen how words affect decisions in advertising, the law, and politics.    Now just imagine how a simple word of gratitude can set the stage for a more positive day. Think of a garden. When a seed is planted -- if it is watered and the earth around it is tended and cared for, the seed will blossom. If the seed is the word "thank you, it will plant a positive message within your mind. Each person has within themselves the power to transform their day. If you start each day with an uplifting thought -- and then make a gratitude list of seven "thank-yous, " you can plant images of gratitude that will stay with you throughout the day without you even realizing it. Researchers tells us essentially that if expect doom, you will find doom. But enough gratitude -- even for a negative situation -- will turn the situation into something quite wonderful. The secret is blessing instead of cursing. I have a friend with a mischievous husband.   He got into a property line dispute with a neighbor that landed them in court. His wife, who taught me that it takes 10 positive statements to cancel out just ONE negative thought, never panicked. Here is her secret. Instead of saying to her husband, "Why do you ALWAYS have to get into arguments with neighbors?"    She began writing out his positive qualities. Now she didn't really "see" those qualities because she was angry. But nonetheless, she spent an entire week ignoring the lawsuit and focusing on the positive qualities of her neighbors and her husband.

Thank you for his smile.

Thank you for his sense of humor.

Thank you for how hard he works. (THAT was a challenge for her because she secretly resented the number of times they had to move because he was not the model employee.) But she believed that he did work hard. And she had to admit that he had been at the last job a record 7 years.

Her list went on as she listed 7 to 10 "thank yous." The day before they were to appear in court she went to a school board meeting and she was introduced to an attorney whom she realized represented their neighbors. Without saying a word about the lawsuit, she simply continued a conversation. They talked for half and hour before he realized that he was going to be facing her in court the next day because of her husband. Later that evening he called his clients and suggested a meeting between the two families and the two attorneys the following morning before the case was heard. They all met. And the lawsuit simply resolved itself -- no insults, no name calling, no accusations, and no fines. Coincidence? Perhaps. But give it a try. And you might find it helps to keep the CATS at bay. Criticism, Anger, Temper tantrums, and Sarcasm. CATS are devastating for relationships. Try the power of a kind word and a bit of gratitude. It's an experiement you can do quietly and tell no one. Yet, others will notice -- they will see in face, and hear it in your voice.   For more about the power of "thank you" A Serenity Journal: 52 Weeks of Prayer and Gratitude Happy Thanksgiving/ R Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Time Together and Long Distance Love

Rita Watson — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 03:47:43 +0000
The day after a holiday. Hopefully everyone shared "togetherness" time. Time together is vital which is why long distance relationships are stressful. BUT even couples who live in the same house can suffer from long distance stress. Long distance stress -- within the same household -- can happen for several reasons. Working couples. Different shifts. Children.   Couples who do not spend enough designed time with each other don't get to read the silences, the unspoken words, the facial expressions -- that are vital to a relationship. Sometimes married couples, or those who are dating put their social calendar ahead of their emotional calendar. Sometimes couples are living in a long distance relationship either forced to do so because of military obligations, or a job. For couples, I am going to wonder on paper: Is working more important than making time to visit each other at least a half hour each night, making the relationship a priority? I think we have learned from day to day stress, that it is important to make time every night or day to have meaningful contact -- not just a phone call a day that says with an annoyed voice: "When are you coming home -- I'm exhausted with these kids and my work? "   But rather, "When are you coming home, I miss you." Have you learned to read the expressions on the face of someone who cares about you? Learn what it means when someone is biting their lower lip. Understand the downcast eyes. The slump of the shoulders. If they are hurt or in pain, have you figured out a way to snuggle into their heart? Can you “hear” in an email, a phone conversation, or face to face where someone you love is hurting? Ask. Don’t play games. Life is too short. Most of all – make a date whenever you can to be alone. I know of long distance couples who go to a bar on Friday nights – each one alone – and have “Cocktail” hour – even managing to crisscross time zones. Here is what Jan Denise has to say about "Long and Short Distances." Naked Relationships Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

A Relationship to Santa, to Our Flag, and to Kindness

Rita Watson — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 04:39:30 +0000
Saturday is when I stretch the relationship meaning a bit. This is about one's relationship to laughter, and a relationship to ritual. Here is a video from Reuters about a laughing Santa school -- and an ironworker's reverence for the American flag. From the Santa ritual to the flag ritual, people are giving. The young people learning to play Santa will give laughter and joy. The Santas The ironworker setting up the flag will give us a moment to remember patriotism.  Ironworkers' Ritual Sunday will be a review of some of the top stories of the past few weeks. And a reminder that beginning next week, we will be featuring Women's Voices -- a new series. Kindness -- how you committed a random act of kindness today? Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Highlights: Women's Voices, Men's Needs, Money and Marriage

Rita Watson — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 04:48:07 +0000
Starting Wednesday we will be featuring a section on women’s voices as these relate to relationship issues. Prize-winnning author Christina Gombar www.christinagombar.com  will be our featured guest writing about money and friendship. Watch also for some of the surprising answers from men as to what it is they need in a relationship. Here are links to stories that you may have missed: Money Woes Make for Grumpy Couples, Take Time for Love (Reaching out to each other) Dr. William Sledge, Yale acting chief of Psychiatry noted that couples either fall into the trap of anger, resentments, regrets, and recriminations or “Some people reach out to each other and actually become more generative and generous, bringing a sense that whatever awful things happen, they will endure with the good that they have.” Love and Friendship from London to Lebanon Of friendships, Anaïs Nin says: “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” Time Together and Long Distance Love Time together is vital which is why long distance relationships are stressful. BUT even couples who live in the same house can suffer long distance stress. Acts of Kindness, Words of Kindness Be kinder than usual to everyone you meet, everyone carries a heavy burden. A Pizza Hut waitress is going to college because of her kindness to others. Marriage Loving Marathon, Intimacy, and Kind Words Remember the books about 365 days of loving? Well it seems that a minister asked married couples to spend every night for seven nights loving. Here is the CNN story follow-up story. More Women Stressing Over Economy, Mothers Affected and a Marriage Note Whether it is because women are often primary caretakers, or more readily admit their feelings, or are simply more aware, a recent survey shows that women are feeling the effects of the economy more so than men. TV Creates Unhappiness and Identifying Depression The results of a new study are in. Watching too much television creates unhappiness. Happy Reading! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

What Men Want: Hot Cougars and the Girl Next Door

Rita Watson — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 18:34:14 +0000
Do men want hot mammas, the girl next door, or Cougars? Today I turn to The Today Show for a new clip about younger men and older women and return to one from several years ago. You all know my thinking on the topic. Yay, older women, younger men. Men dating or marrying older women say: “Cougars are nuturing. They are sexy. Cougars trade on their strengths instead of weaknesses. Cougars know that in pleasing us, we will please them.” Men also tell us that “Cougars don’t bad-mouth former husbands and lovers or spill out a sad history of mistreatment. These women are savvy and fun to be with.” To see more about Cougars in the News here is the Real Cougar Lifestyles link from the examiner.com featuring Linda Franklin. Real-Cougar-Lifestyle. Want to be a Cougar? This book, now in paperbook, can help. Cougar: A Guide For Older Women Dating Younger Men by Valerie Gibson. And here is a clip from The Today show of two years ago: Do men what hot mammas or the girl next door? What do men want? How real is all of this? Tell you what, I will stop by my favorite Providence pub tonight and get back to you with answers. For the answer to what men want -- short and simple: They want to be appreciated, respected, and praised. Hmm. I think women want the same. For both sexes -- criticism is definitely a deal breaker. REMINDER! Money and Friendship: Tomorrow a special piece on money and friendship by prize-winning Rhode Island author Christina Gombar -- www. christinagombar.com Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Expiration Dates, a Story of Friendship and Money

Rita Watson — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 03:45:26 +0000

Welcome to Women's Voices -- a special post that will appear from time to time.  Christina Gombar, prize-winning author, is the inspiration. When I read "Expiration Dates" I was struck by its immediacy in a world in which the economy is creating havoc with singles, with couples, with families, with relationships. The blessing and pain of friendship is both joy and vulnerability. When our friends laugh, we laugh. When they cry, we cry. Sometimes a friend is a mirror of ourselves. And sometimes friendships ebb and flow, like the tides. Christina's story is a poignant reminder that in a perfect world friendships reflect a quote often attributed to Aristotle: "A true friend is one soul in two bodies." But ours is not a perfect world, is it? /RW
Expiration Dates: A Short Story of Friendship and Money By Christina Gombar
Part One: The Wedding

When my best friend Julie told me she was splitting with her husband, it didn’t come as a complete surprise. She’d sounded uncharacteristically tense when we talked on the phone over the past few months. We hadn’t had an in-person heart to heart since the winter before, when on her 41st birthday, she talked in desperate tones about facing the future with her husband, Dave.

Since then she had stopped complaining about her husband, hardly mentioned him at all. Our telephone conversations skittered over the surface of things – updates of her hectic job and crowded commuting days, contrasting with self-deprecating anecdotes drawn from my less eventful life – which went from a corporate whirlwind to a first-time suburban housewife – thanks to a relapse of a chronic illness about which I am often in denial. Nonetheless, courtesy of my company’s short-term disability insurance, I felt a mixture of childlike glee and adult guilt at my first laid back summer in decades.

With the anticipation of a child going on a favorite play date, I awaited seeing Julie in person for the first time in months. When I flung open the door to embrace her, I standing before me was a woman with a pinched, tormented face. Her emaciated frame said it all before she delivered her news. It was painful to see her lovely, happy-go-lucky self suppressed; I was glad she was exiting a torturous situation.

She told me of her plans to divorce just before we sat down to watch a dance recital held in the Riverside Cathedral, whose majestic grey stone silhouette dominates the western shore of the upper west side of Manhattan. Four springs before, Julie and Dave were married just a few blocks east, in another great Cathedral, on a small budget but in great peripheral splendor, in one of the chapels of St. John the Divine.

Four years before, I had shopped with Julie at Laura Ashley for her wedding dress, observed her arrange the entire event elegantly but cheaply -- negotiating with chaplains and cajoling florists and caterers to offer their services as wedding gifts. I’d seen her research, book, and single-handedly pay for the honeymoon.

The misty weather that day suited a ceremony in the dark cathedral. Outside, the spring foliage was bright green and new, the trees just bursting into flower. She’d instructed the minister that Children and the Will of God be mentioned during the service. To honor her husband’s Scottish heritage, bagpipers played Amazing Grace at the exit, and the sounds moistened our eyes. As if on cue, one of the peacocks that prance around the rectory burst into plumage: a good omen.

But four years later, as I look back, I see it was a false omen.

At the reception, as dry ice clouded the stage, eastern flutes piped over the soundtrack, and the dance performance began. The dance’s theme centered on the ancient Greek legend of the Minotaur -- the half-human, half-bull god who, the program notes explained, “represents the collective dark roots of humanity that have been denied, repressed and locked away.”

It was a bit too obvious an analogy to the realities of marriage Julie and I both knew too well -- realities white-washed by images of happily ever after, Baby Gap and Range Rovers. We both knew what it was like to feel, within the framework of marriage, like the Minotaur, his dual nature a shame to be hidden by the ruling gods.

Julie and I didn’t have to talk much about the problems that killed her marriage, or the ones mine barely survived. We’d dissected them endlessly over the course of our eight year friendship, analyzing the challenge of asserting our feminist selves within the framework of marriage, deconstructing each power struggle in detail, all the while looking forward to the happy resolution when career, husband, home and child fell into place.

After the performance I drove us up to the suburbs where we now lived, and bought my friend dinner. The end of a marriage called for a solemn observance of its own. (End of Part One)

Copyright 2008 Christina Gombar www.christinagombar.com
from Christina: My work is internationally anthologized alongside Toni Morrison, Naomi Klein, Barbara Kingsolver and Arundhati Roy. My commentary on women's issues has appeared in The London Review of Books, The New York Times, Working Woman, Scholastic and The Providence Journal. I've authored a book, Great Women Writers, 1900-1950, and been a New York Foundation for the Arts Fellow. My creative work has won numerous awards, and been nominated for a Pushcart Prize. I hold an M.A. in Creative Writing and English from the City University of New York. I live in Saunderstown, RI with my husband, Peter Leviten. Expiration Dates, a Story of Friendship and Money in Three Parts

Wednesday is Part One: The Wedding

Thursday is Part Two: The Faded Green Dress

Friday is Part Three: Faded Memory

Blog post Rita Watson, 2008

Expiration Dates: Money, Memories and Friendship

Rita Watson — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 05:20:49 +0000
Within today's world, the economic crisis is stressing single people, couples, and families. Yesterday we presented Part One of a short story about Friendship and Money. The financial strain today is so stressful that money is poised to top the list of reasons for divorce -- edging out sex or lack thereof. The economic forcast is bleak. Families and friendships are strained. For the full picture from Wall Street to Your Street -- here is a link to Retuers coverage. BUT PLEASE, read Part Two of Expiration Dates to appreciate the full impact of money and friendship.  Credit crisis When you look at Christina Gombar's website you will notice a Wall Street sign -- it was there that she says she was fired for wearing a pink dress. The sad aspect of this story is looking at Julie from the outside.  Today's National Center for Health Statistics says that one in 20 people in the United States are depressed during any given two week period. Friendships keep us whole.  And in this story from BBC you will see that friends help us live longer. Friendships  Julie in this story had a friend who was a jewel. Expiration Dates: A Story of Friendship and Money Part Two: The Faded Green Dress “You know,” I confessed over our Cobb salads, “when I was cleaning out my closet, I thought of throwing out the dress I wore to your wedding.” It was a cheap, pale green catalogue dress from my days as a freelancer, when I watched every penny while saving the down-payment that finally liberated us from our suffocating New York apartment. “That was the only time I wore it,” I said. “I was only holding onto it for sentimental reasons. I guess it’s O.K. to throw it out now.” She agreed. There was another reason I wanted to toss faded green dress -- it signified bad times and I was ready to embrace a new future. I was enviably thin in those pictures at Julie’s wedding. I smiled, but my eyes belied deep distress. If anyone had asked me then if I thought my marriage would make it, I couldn’t have answered. At the time Julie married, I had just found my husband out in a betrayal. He’d run up debts that nearly canceled out all the money I’d been scrupulously saving and investing for house, baby, and our future. His betrayal of trust wiped out years of dreams. Somehow, putting that pale green dress in the bag for Good Will, gave me a new sense of purpose. I wanted to believe that I could put an end to the hurt that I experienced during those four years between Julie’s wedding and her divorce dinner. I watched her eyes and wondered if people would see pain in my own if I chose to end my marriage rather than stick it out? My husband and I managed to get out of debt and heal the emotional wounds, but overwhelmed by the strain of working full time while battling my illness, I lost my health and any hopes for a normal life. Perhaps learning from my example, Julie chose another route, refusing to take a financial hit for a man. Since she and Dave had moved in together six years before, she’d switched jobs several times, doubling her salary to afford the modest home they’d purchased in their third year of marriage. Dave, on the other hand, was in the same job, earning the same money, so they could barely afford their new mortgage payments. Despite her constant encouragements, which degenerated into nagfests, Dave did not jump-start his career, see a therapist, get tested for a range of physical maladies, lift a finger around the house bought with only Julie’s money, learn to balance the checkbook, shop or cook, or get a car so Julie wouldn’t have to drive him everywhere, as if he were the teenage son she never had. Julie tired of screaming. As she explained over our salads, she was basically a happy, peaceful, loving person. Under the current circumstances, she could no longer act kindly towards her husband. “I just see myself as an embittered old hag at 50. I want to get out while I’m still young enough to meet someone else.” But I was worried about how she would manage. Under my fiscal guidelines, she and Dave could barely afford to run a house together. She claimed she could do it on her own, for at least a month or so. Then she’d get a roommate. Two weeks after our divorce dinner, Dave was still in the house. He couldn’t find a place he could afford. Julie dropped hints; I offered a loan to hasten his departure. I’d lent her money before, for her down payment, and she’d paid it back in full and in a timely fashion.    “All relationships have expiration dates,” she announced philosophically at our next lunch. “You’re getting a roommate soon, right?” I said, handing her the check. But month after month went by, and no roommate, and no loan repayment. I knew she needed time on her own, without the additional stress of sharing her home with a stranger. But I couldn’t help noticing she had money for new clothes to cheer herself up, for entertaining her young co-workers from the city, for buying wedding gifts for people she hardly knew. (End of Part Two) Copyright 2008 Christina Gombar www.christinagombar.com from Christina: My work is internationally anthologized alongside Toni Morrison, Naomi Klein, Barbara Kingsolver and Arundhati Roy. My commentary on women’s issues has appeared in The London Review of Books, The New York Times, Working Woman, Scholastic and The Providence Journal. I’ve authored a book, Great Women Writers, 1900-1950, and been a New York Foundation for the Arts Fellow. My creative work has won numerous awards, and been nominated for a Pushcart Prize. I hold an M.A. in Creative Writing and English from the City University of New York. I live in Saunderstown, RI with my husband, Peter Leviten. Expiration Dates, a Story of Friendship and Money in Three Parts

Wednesday is Part One: The Wedding

Thursday is Part Two: The Faded Green Dress

Friday is Part Three: Faded Memory

Blog post Rita Watson, 2008

Expiration Dates: Money, Friendship, and Infidelity

Rita Watson — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 04:01:52 +0000
The most dramatic way to stop divorce is with a change of attitude.   For couples with failing marriages, perhaps ask yourself if you are willing to suffer through the emotional and financial strain of separation. I know it may be hard to hear this especially after I had a long talk with a mother last night who was watching her son and daughter-in-law go through such pain and sadness with their 10 year old. But think about this. Are you willing to accept this challenge? Save that Marriage And if our own marriage cannot be saved, don't we owe it to our sisters to have enough integrity to stay out of their marriage? We keep hearing and reading about infidelity -- the truth is that husbands cheat and wives cheat.  But somewhere along the line, we need to look at ourselves in the mirror and put our heads on a pillow. Husband Snatchers aka the Male Poachers .    Christina's story takes an unexpected turn. Money, integrity, and divorce tests friendship. / RW Part Three: Expiration Dates: The Faded Memory My best friend Julie was now divorced. We had our ceremonial dinner together. I gave away the green dress that I wore to her wedding. I loaned her the money to start life anew. Julie grew more angry and distressed at the strain of the mortgage, taxes, and unanticipated household repairs. I dropped hints: “You could rent out your house and get a nice one bedroom and pocket the change," I said. "You could refinance. You could use a roommate service and screen candidates. You could place an ad." Julie vetoed all suggestions. She was not going to move, and she was not going to get someone in off the street. Candidates referred through friends proved unacceptable: “I don’t want someone else’s – stuff – all over my house,” she spat.          Every time I talked to Julie things were worse. She descended into panicked thinking. Instead of paying $75 to have someone look at her broken dryer, she hauled wet clothes to a Laundromat for months. Why didn’t she get her new boyfriend (a handyman) to look at the malfunctioning appliance? She didn’t want to be “dependent.” My husband invited her to my 40th birthday luncheon. I should have told him not to, because it was held at a gaudy, overpriced restaurant, attended by prosperous people whose ostentatious materialism, I knew, she would loathe. My best Wall Street-era girlfriend boasted of having just bought two mink coats. Noting the acid downward curve of Julie’s mouth, I thought, I ought to have told her not to come. She hated these people, and she was starting to hate me, with my marital compromises, stay-at-home life, my new blond highlights. About six months after Julie sent Dave away, she began to talk about her neighbor’s husband. “Don’t waste your time,” I told her, “flirting with married men.” This wasn’t what I expected when I handed her a check to help speed up her divorce. More than half a year passed without a dollar repaid. My husband and I had money stresses of our own by then, and I had to come out and ask for my loan back. Julie had just spent a weekend with millionaire friends. As I’d been talking about our own unexpectedly huge tax bill, I assumed she’d got the hint and arranged her visit to relieve me. I was wrong. Julie was livid. “Look,” I said in my defense. “You’ve had a boyfriend for six months. Why can’t you ask him for a loan, or to move in and help with the bills?” Julie hung up on me, furious. Within a month, I got a check for the full amount of my loan in the mail. We had no contact for a year. I finally called and learned that her handyman boyfriend was long gone, and her ex-neighbor’s husband was living with her, and that he, too was divorcing. Sounding upbeat, but hardened, Julie dismissed my good wishes for her new relationship; she had no interest in marrying this man. He paid his share and did things around the house. His ex was awful, took the kids back to Maine. She would make use of him till the expiration date ran out. Hanging up, I thought back to Julie’s wedding -- the white dress, the lilies, the dark cathedral, the hopeful, holy words, the peacock bursting into full plume. I thought of the dance performance the night she announced her divorce. I suppose I often see myself in marriage, indeed, in any relationship, as the Minotaur – stumbling along, half an awkward hybrid body, struggling to reconcile the ugly with the sublime. I easily forgave Julie her bad temper and outbursts at the time of her divorce, but could not forgive the home wrecking, nor could she forgive my judging her dark side. Naively, I’d thought our friendship would outlast our marriages; I thought it would flourish forever. But like the peacock’s fan, its glory was short-lived. I thought of her declaration: “All relationships have expiration dates.” Ours, apparently, had run out.
Copyright 2008 Christina Gombar www.christinagombar.com
from Christina: My work is internationally anthologized alongside Toni Morrison, Naomi Klein, Barbara Kingsolver and Arundhati Roy. My commentary on women’s issues has appeared in The London Review of Books, The New York Times, Working Woman, Scholastic and The Providence Journal. I’ve authored a book, Great Women Writers, 1900-1950, and been a New York Foundation for the Arts Fellow. My creative work has won numerous awards, and been nominated for a Pushcart Prize. I hold an M.A. in Creative Writing and English from the City University of New York. I live in Saunderstown, RI with my husband, Peter Leviten. Expiration Dates, a Story of Friendship and Money was presented in Three Parts

Wednesday - Part One: The Wedding

Thursday - Part Two: The Faded Green Dress

Friday - Part Three: Faded Memory

Blog post Copyright Rita Watson, 2008

from TPM to Gay Agenda to Decisions

Rita Watson — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 05:19:02 +0000
Saturday is either love bits or odds and ends. Today I seached Google to see where some of my blog postings are picked up. And it was quite a variety. First off, I was surprised and pleased to see this blog on Lexis-Nexis. Then I was reminded again in two posts that I wrote - of the need for commitment and forgiveness -- that appeared in the following two sites: Rabbi Shmuley.com -- from Talking Points Memo Talkin Points Memo.com and Gay Agenda.com. And I am adding a link to a post I wrote some time ago because the immigration issue which is so often in the news today. Gay Couples: for Binationals, Legal Limbo or Long Distance The blogger site reminded me that I often write about decision-making. Here are some links -- use this to see which stories you wish to read and then put in key words since they all link back to the blog rather than specific posts. However, beginning next week I will be writing more about decision-making and coping skills in this stressful time.  Decision skills You might also want to take a look at the Providence Journal tomorrow morning, the editorial pages. I have a column about Happiness, pills, and coping skills. And since I am linking today -- here my Serenity-Journal at Amazon.com. I heard an incredible lecture on Thursday about the Billion Dollar Bailout. The picture wasn't pretty -- and his message was surprising "Tough Love." Will report on this on this on Sunday. Also on Sunday, watch for the entire story called Expiration Dates by Christina Gombar which ran over the past three days. Happy Week-end. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Expiration Dates: A Story of Friendship and Money (Parts 1 -3)

Rita Watson — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 05:29:25 +0000
I attended an event at the World Affairs Council the other evening and the topic was Money. The Billion Dollar Bailouts: International Recovery or Global Boondoggles? and his tough love talk reminded me of our story: Expiration Dates. The talk was given by Richard M. Ebeling, PhD, of the American Economic Institute for Research (The Real Meaning of Thanksgiving: The Triumph of Capitalism over Collectivism ) and the Visiting Professor of Economics at Trinity College. What struck me was his many references to "Tough Love." Sometimes people need to lose it all before they appreciate what they have. Sometimes parents need to be tough with children to show them their love. Dr. Ebeling pointed out that cannot keep bailing out a child if one wishes to teach the child responsibility. In our story -- presented here in its entirety -- when Julie was confronted regarding the money she borrowed, she took a less than responsible route in terms of attitude and appreciation. Perhaps the moral of the story is something we learned from Shakespeare's Hamlet, so many centuries ago when Polonius said: "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." But what is striking in this story is the tragedy of divorce. It seems that in her shock and frenzy, Julie lost her sense of self. However, maybe in the divorce, her real self emerged. Let's hope not./ RW Expiration Dates: A Short Story of Friendship and Money By Christina Gombar
The Wedding

When my best friend Julie told me she was splitting with her husband, it didn’t come as a complete surprise. She’d sounded uncharacteristically tense when we talked on the phone over the past few months. We hadn’t had an in-person heart to heart since the winter before, when on her 41st birthday, she talked in desperate tones about facing the future with her husband, Dave.

Since then she had stopped complaining about her husband, hardly mentioned him at all. Our telephone conversations skittered over the surface of things – updates of her hectic job and crowded commuting days, contrasting with self-deprecating anecdotes drawn from my less eventful life – which went from a corporate whirlwind to a first-time suburban housewife – thanks to a relapse of a chronic illness about which I am often in denial. Nonetheless, courtesy of my company’s short-term disability insurance, I felt a mixture of childlike glee and adult guilt at my first laid back summer in decades.

With the anticipation of a child going on a favorite play date, I awaited seeing Julie in person for the first time in months. When I flung open the door to embrace her, I standing before me was a woman with a pinched, tormented face. Her emaciated frame said it all before she delivered her news. It was painful to see her lovely, happy-go-lucky self suppressed; I was glad she was exiting a torturous situation.

She told me of her plans to divorce just before we sat down to watch a dance recital held in the Riverside Cathedral, whose majestic grey stone silhouette dominates the western shore of the upper west side of Manhattan. Four springs before, Julie and Dave were married just a few blocks east, in another great Cathedral, on a small budget but in great peripheral splendor, in one of the chapels of St. John the Divine.

Four years before, I had shopped with Julie at Laura Ashley for her wedding dress, observed her arrange the entire event elegantly but cheaply -- negotiating with chaplains and cajoling florists and caterers to offer their services as wedding gifts. I’d seen her research, book, and single-handedly pay for the honeymoon.

The misty weather that day suited a ceremony in the dark cathedral. Outside, the spring foliage was bright green and new, the trees just bursting into flower. She’d instructed the minister that Children and the Will of God be mentioned during the service. To honor her husband’s Scottish heritage, bagpipers played Amazing Grace at the exit, and the sounds moistened our eyes. As if on cue, one of the peacocks that prance around the rectory burst into plumage: a good omen.

But four years later, as I look back, I see it was a false omen.

At the reception, as dry ice clouded the stage, eastern flutes piped over the soundtrack, and the dance performance began. The dance’s theme centered on the ancient Greek legend of the Minotaur -- the half-human, half-bull god who, the program notes explained, “represents the collective dark roots of humanity that have been denied, repressed and locked away.”

It was a bit too obvious an analogy to the realities of marriage Julie and I both knew too well -- realities white-washed by images of happily ever after, Baby Gap and Range Rovers. We both knew what it was like to feel, within the framework of marriage, like the Minotaur, his dual nature a shame to be hidden by the ruling gods.

Julie and I didn’t have to talk much about the problems that killed her marriage, or the ones mine barely survived. We’d dissected them endlessly over the course of our eight year friendship, analyzing the challenge of asserting our feminist selves within the framework of marriage, deconstructing each power struggle in detail, all the while looking forward to the happy resolution when career, husband, home and child fell into place.

After the performance I drove us up to the suburbs where we now lived, and bought my friend dinner. The end of a marriage called for a solemn observance of its own. (End of Part One)

The Faded Green Dress
“You know,” I confessed over our Cobb salads, “when I was cleaning out my closet, I thought of throwing out the dress I wore to your wedding.” It was a cheap, pale green catalogue dress from my days as a freelancer, when I watched every penny while saving the down-payment that finally liberated us from our suffocating New York apartment. “That was the only time I wore it,” I said. “I was only holding onto it for sentimental reasons. I guess it’s O.K. to throw it out now.” She agreed. There was another reason I wanted to toss faded green dress -- it signified bad times and I was ready to embrace a new future. I was enviably thin in those pictures at Julie’s wedding. I smiled, but my eyes belied deep distress. If anyone had asked me then if I thought my marriage would make it, I couldn’t have answered. At the time Julie married, I had just found my husband out in a betrayal. He’d run up debts that nearly canceled out all the money I’d been scrupulously saving and investing for house, baby, and our future. His betrayal of trust wiped out years of dreams. Somehow, putting that pale green dress in the bag for Good Will, gave me a new sense of purpose. I wanted to believe that I could put an end to the hurt that I experienced during those four years between Julie’s wedding and her divorce dinner. I watched her eyes and wondered if people would see pain in my own if I chose to end my marriage rather than stick it out? My husband and I managed to get out of debt and heal the emotional wounds, but overwhelmed by the strain of working full time while battling my illness, I lost my health and any hopes for a normal life. Perhaps learning from my example, Julie chose another route, refusing to take a financial hit for a man. Since she and Dave had moved in together six years before, she’d switched jobs several times, doubling her salary to afford the modest home they’d purchased in their third year of marriage. Dave, on the other hand, was in the same job, earning the same money, so they could barely afford their new mortgage payments. Despite her constant encouragements, which degenerated into nagfests, Dave did not jump-start his career, see a therapist, get tested for a range of physical maladies, lift a finger around the house bought with only Julie’s money, learn to balance the checkbook, shop or cook, or get a car so Julie wouldn’t have to drive him everywhere, as if he were the teenage son she never had. Julie tired of screaming. As she explained over our salads, she was basically a happy, peaceful, loving person. Under the current circumstances, she could no longer act kindly towards her husband. “I just see myself as an embittered old hag at 50. I want to get out while I’m still young enough to meet someone else.” But I was worried about how she would manage. Under my fiscal guidelines, she and Dave could barely afford to run a house together. She claimed she could do it on her own, for at least a month or so. Then she’d get a roommate. Two weeks after our divorce dinner, Dave was still in the house. He couldn’t find a place he could afford. Julie dropped hints; I offered a loan to hasten his departure. I’d lent her money before, for her down payment, and she’d paid it back in full and in a timely fashion.    “All relationships have expiration dates,” she announced philosophically at our next lunch. “You’re getting a roommate soon, right?” I said, handing her the check. But month after month went by, and no roommate, and no loan repayment. I knew she needed time on her own, without the additional stress of sharing her home with a stranger. But I couldn’t help noticing she had money for new clothes to cheer herself up, for entertaining her young co-workers from the city, for buying wedding gifts for people she hardly knew. The Faded Memory Julie grew more angry and distressed at the strain of the mortgage, taxes, and unanticipated household repairs. I dropped hints: “You could rent out your house and get a nice one bedroom and pocket the change," I said. "You could refinance. You could use a roommate service and screen candidates. You could place an ad." Julie vetoed all suggestions. She was not going to move, and she was not going to get someone in off the street. Candidates referred through friends proved unacceptable: “I don’t want someone else’s – stuff – all over my house,” she spat.          Every time I talked to Julie things were worse. She descended into panicked thinking. Instead of paying $75 to have someone look at her broken dryer, she hauled wet clothes to a Laundromat for months. Why didn’t she get her new boyfriend (a handyman) to look at the malfunctioning appliance? She didn’t want to be “dependent.” My husband invited her to my 40th birthday luncheon. I should have told him not to, because it was held at a gaudy, overpriced restaurant, attended by prosperous people whose ostentatious materialism, I knew, she would loathe. My best Wall Street-era girlfriend boasted of having just bought two mink coats. Noting the acid downward curve of Julie’s mouth, I thought, I ought to have told her not to come. She hated these people, and she was starting to hate me, with my marital compromises, stay-at-home life, my new blond highlights. About six months after Julie sent Dave away, she began to talk about her neighbor’s husband. “Don’t waste your time,” I told her, “flirting with married men.” This wasn’t what I expected when I handed her a check to help speed up her divorce. More than half a year passed without a dollar repaid. My husband and I had money stresses of our own by then, and I had to come out and ask for my loan back. Julie had just spent a weekend with millionaire friends. As I’d been talking about our own unexpectedly huge tax bill, I assumed she’d got the hint and arranged her visit to relieve me. I was wrong. Julie was livid. “Look,” I said in my defense. “You’ve had a boyfriend for six months. Why can’t you ask him for a loan, or to move in and help with the bills?” Julie hung up on me, furious. Within a month, I got a check for the full amount of my loan in the mail. We had no contact for a year. I finally called and learned that her handyman boyfriend was long gone, and her ex-neighbor’s husband was living with her, and that he, too was divorcing. Sounding upbeat, but hardened, Julie dismissed my good wishes for her new relationship; she had no interest in marrying this man. He paid his share and did things around the house. His ex was awful, took the kids back to Maine. She would make use of him till the expiration date ran out. Hanging up, I thought back to Julie’s wedding -- the white dress, the lilies, the dark cathedral, the hopeful, holy words, the peacock bursting into full plume. I thought of the dance performance the night she announced her divorce. I suppose I often see myself in marriage, indeed, in any relationship, as the Minotaur – stumbling along, half an awkward hybrid body, struggling to reconcile the ugly with the sublime. I easily forgave Julie her bad temper and outbursts at the time of her divorce, but could not forgive the home wrecking, nor could she forgive my judging her dark side. Naively, I’d thought our friendship would outlast our marriages; I thought it would flourish forever. But like the peacock’s fan, its glory was short-lived. I thought of her declaration: “All relationships have expiration dates.” Ours, apparently, had run out.
Copyright 2008 Christina Gombar www.christinagombar.com
from Christina: My work is internationally anthologized alongside Toni Morrison, Naomi Klein, Barbara Kingsolver and Arundhati Roy. My commentary on women’s issues has appeared in The London Review of Books, The New York Times, Working Woman, Scholastic and The Providence Journal. I’ve authored a book, Great Women Writers, 1900-1950, and been a New York Foundation for the Arts Fellow. My creative work has won numerous awards, and been nominated for a Pushcart Prize. I hold an M.A. in Creative Writing and English from the City University of New York. I live in Saunderstown, RI with my husband, Peter Leviten.
Blog post Copyright Rita Watson, 2008

Catching Happiness and Grandparents Love Secrets

Rita Watson — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 04:32:12 +0000
My great-grandmother had a young lover when she died at 104. She loved life and French silk nightgowns. Today, the hot blogs are abuzz with grandparents love stories. And the news is talking about "happiness contagion." This week I will be posting my Providence Journal article from today that also is featured on the World News Network -- called Seeking Happiness: You need non-pill coping skills too! And in this season of Holiday struggles here is some good news from CNN -- Happiness is contagious in the social network. The article has the following highlights.

Happiness spreads more reliably than unhappiness in a network

You are 15 percent more likely to be happy if your direct connection is happy

People who smile on Facebook are generally friends with other smilers

Here is the full story. Catching Happiness To be happy as couples -- take a page from the AARP -- yes a site for seniors that is offering some wisdom for today's lovers and retirees. Happy Spouses If you are looking for love -- take a chance on finding happiness by:

Letting go of worn out friendships and relationships.

Breaking away from old patterns that hinder your happiness such falling in love with the unavailable.

Laughing at yourself and accepting who you are.

Forgetting the notion of "the one and only."

Rethink your ideas and find someone whom you can respect.

Re-read the blog post -- First Comes Marriage, Then Comes Love

What will love sound like?   Not a crackling fire. An old saying goes something like this: Starts hot, burns out fast. Starts slow, lasts long. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Expiration Date Comments and Divorce Rate

Rita Watson — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 05:53:36 +0000
Received an email from a woman who called herself, "A Reader with Opinions aka Opinionated Reader." Her words prompted me to post all of the comments from "Expiration Dates" and add a word or two about divorce statistics and the future of marriage. An Opinionated Reader's email I loved Christina's story. It hit close to home in a way. When I was much younger, I lent my girlfriend $5,000 to help her with a down payment on a condo. I never saw that money again and it ruined the friendship for me. I should have followed the advice of my parents and Shakespeare’s Polonius about being neither a borrower nor a lender. But, I decided on a corollary after that experience--"Be a Giver." If I had given the money as a gift, we might still be friends. The price of our friendship was a measly $5,000. She later added: Today, however, that seems like a lot of money. When I loaned the money I was working and earning a big salary. Other reader comments: Amy Nathan on December 3rd, 2008 at 4:25 pm #    We begin different chapters of our lives with such fervor, belief and hope. We often come to the end of those chapters resigned, sometimes beaten. But we are always wiser. I look forward to more. marguarita on December 3rd, 2008 at 7:59 pm #   I read this with some sadness. “She stopped talking about her husband.” For all those wishing for a second marriage, there is something bittersweet about the words. I like the idea of Women’s Voices and a short story! Lois on December 3rd, 2008 at 8:51 pm #    Interesting to read this perspective on this site. I love the idea of Women’s Voices, it gives us a “face” to put to some of Rita’s comments regarding today’s relationships. Really nice, the two really compliment each other in my opinion. Milli on December 3rd, 2008 at 9:40 pm #   Yes! To Christina Gombar. And to Rita, for introducing her to us. I was deeply drawn into and moved by this “chapter” and look forward to what I hope will, ultimately, be the resolve, in Faded Memory. -- on December 4th, 2008 at 8:03 pm # Yikes! This is sad. People do weird things, while in the throughs of grief. I’m hoping Julie snaps out of it. -- on December 5th, 2008 at 9:01 pm # Wow! In the words of Joan Baez: we both know what memories can bring…they bring Diamonds and Rust. -- on December 7th, 2008 at 9:35 pm # To tell you the truth; I haven’t given up on Julie. And I hope Christina hasn’t either. True. SOME relationships have “Expiration Dates.” But those worth their salt, as it were, will keep surprising you! I think it has something to do with becoming grownups! Becky on December 4th, 2008 at 10:05 am #   This was beautiful, as usual with your work Christina. It reminds me that sometimes people are so relieved to get a divorce that they forget what a tragedy it is. A friend is getting a divorce and every time I go to the family’s old house, where our sons spent so many happy hours playing, I feel as though some kind of funeral service is in order. Just what is the current marriage and divorce rate?

Number of marriages: 2,230,000

Marriage rate: 7.5 per 1,000 total population

Divorce rate: 3.6 per 1,000 population (46 reporting States and D.C.)

What I wonder most often is whether or not the words, “for better or worse, until death do us part” will become obsolete? With recent statistics from 13 countries showing that marriage is down while living together is up - and monogamy being challenged by polyamory - there is cause for concern. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Call in Gay Day, Immigration Separation, Alan Weds Denny

Rita Watson — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 04:01:54 +0000
The News today focuses on quests and protests. In California, December 10th is being declared “A Day Without a Gay” patterned after a Latino movement protesting a proposed tough immigration bill that was signed into law in Georgia. Marriage and Immigration: Two issues affect gay couples – marriage and immigration. Regarding today's protest and marriage, a CBS report said, “ Join The Impact, the online community that launched protests last month over the passage of gay marriage bans in California, Florida and Arizona, has urged people to withdraw $80 from their bank accounts Wednesday to demonstrate gays' spending power, and to devote the time they might otherwise spend watching TV or surfing the Internet to volunteer work. . . The two websites supporting this protest include: Day Without a Gay   and also  Join the Impact The CBS article pointed out that “Witeck-Combs Communications, a public relations firm in Washington that specializes in the gay and lesbian market, published a study this year that estimated that gay and lesbian consumers spend $700 billion annually." CBS NEWS The immigration problem: I have written about this problem before – how Immigration Divides Families – both gay and straight. This piece in the Denver Post talks of the painful choices gay couples face. Denver Post The Latino community in Georgia: In March of 2006 in Atlanta, “Immigrant communities encouraged a work stoppage to protest a bill passed by the Georgia House yesterday that allows sweeping changes to the state's immigration policies. Some estimate that as many as 800,000 would take part in the protest. The bill, which must still be approved by the state Senate before going to Governor Perdue, would deny state services to adults living in the U.S. illegally and impose a five percent surcharge on wire transfers from illegals.   Galeo As it happens Gov. Sonny Perdue signed the much-debated bill targeting illegal immigrants and their employers, less than three weeks after the GOP-controlled Georgia General Assembly sent the measure to his desk. Washington.bizjournals Here is a link to an earlier column that I wrote: Gay Couples: for Binationals, Legal Limbo or Long Distance What happens when bi-national gay couples find that a US visa runs out on their partners? What’s happening with immigration? Some couples simply leave the US and take up residency in the country of their partner. But for those without a firm financial backing, when a VISA runs out it can mean a painful separation. According to Mary Milliken in a story yesterday for Reuters.com, ” Gay rights activists estimate that 40,000 binational gay and lesbian couples in the United States are caught in the same legal limbo. A solution, they say, is years away.” To read more, please go to the above link. Boston Legal -- Alan Shore and Denny Crane WERE MARRIED! Okay, most of you know that I do not own a TV and so I either see this show in the Lounge here where I live or on re-runs from ABC.com video gallery. Tonight I caught the last two episodes -- and yes, Alan Shore and Denny Crane were married in a joint ceremony with Shirley and Carl. And since this blog of mine is in desparate need of technical help, I cannot even play -- Goin' to the Chapel. So just try to hear the music, hum the words, clap your hands, and sway to the music. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Boston Legal, The Last Laugh, and Negotiating Skills

Rita Watson — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 04:05:37 +0000
If you haven't seen the Finale of Boston Legal, read the article, but skip the link. For me, I will truly miss Alan and Denny smoking their cigars and drinking their scotch on the balcony of old Boston neighborhood. People often look at me and say, "What's wrong with you that you don't have a television?" And "Why Boston Legal?"   I think that I share the thoughts of many folks addicted to a show that is witty, wild, and about the law. Fascination for negotiating skills and the art of persuasion. Ever since I can remember I had a crush on Perry Mason -- doesn't speak well for my choice in men, does it? But as a little girl I think I read every Earle Stanley Gardner mystery. So I like surprise endings. And even though you always knew that Mason, Matlock, and the Boston Legal team would prevail, it was the cleverness that captivated you. Right now I will have to switch my allegience to Eli Stone -- which mixes my love of fantasy and the world of the Divine -- with the law. About the law -- I often read of professors who had students argue a case from both sides of the aisle. And one of the interesting. This is a fundamental component of coping skills or negotiating skills. In my column this past Sunday, I wrote the following: Coping skills help one to see the world from another person’s perspective. I learned about coping skills while writing Sisterhood Betrayed and talked with developmental psychologist Dr. Myrna B. Shure, author of Thinking Parent, Thinking Child: How to Turn Your Most Challenging Everyday Problems into Solutions. Her programs for children had a surprising beneficial effect on mothers who translated parenting skills into workplace skills. Dr. Shure focuses on listening and learning rather than judging and reprimanding. For example, mothers who saw their child hitting another were quick to assume an accusing voice when they asked, “What are you doing?” She suggests kindly asking “Why are you feeling so bad?” As money worries and holiday stress collide, adults might take a page from her book. For more about Alan and Denny and the Boston Legal finale: Boston Legal Finale Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Seeking Happiness with Pills and Coping Skills

Rita Watson — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 04:55:04 +0000
This is the happiness season. We are supposed to be smiling. But the economy is in a shambles and people are stressed even beyond the limits of the seasonal turmoil. Here is an article from my Sunday column that also appeared on World News Network online and France Observer. Rita Watson: You need non-pill coping skills, too 01:00 AM EST on Sunday, December 7, 2008 TENSION DURING these tumultuous times and the expectation of holiday happiness have many people visiting family physicians and searching the Internet for mood-elevating medications. “Happiness is a priceless commodity,” says Dr. Richard Barker, director general of the Pharmaceutical Association of Great Britain. “It cannot be bought, sold, exchanged, or prescribed for that matter.” Nonetheless, pharmaceutical companies spend over $4 billion a year on television ads, which the Annals of Family Medicine said two years ago should be banned. Direct-to-consumer advertising has an emotional appeal. The ads seem to imply that drugs can cure everything from depression, social anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorders to restless-leg syndrome. Their message: “We can be happier.” Last week at a conference in London, a Roche pharmaceutical leader called TV advertising “a big mistake.” Recently Boston Legal featured Denny Crane suing the pharmaceutical industry because of advertising policies that he claimed precipitated his overuse of medications. Dr. Barker points out, “While prescription drugs cannot bestow happiness they do have a place in the treatment of depression, schizophrenia, anxiety and bipolar disorders.” Currently the optimal treatment for depression is considered to be combination prescription medication and talk therapy. “Talk therapy!” scowled one indignant husband. “You mean where I pay someone so I can squirm while my wife does all the talking and complaining about me? Not on your life. I would rather go out drinking with my buddies.” While women are more amenable to seeking treatment than men, this may change if the economy continues to falter. Today’s financial crisis affects 84 percent of women and 75 percent of men, according to a new American Psychological Association report. The bleak financial picture comes during a season when depression rates traditionally escalate. Dr. James M. Ellison, associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, says, “While many seek pharmacologic remedies for holiday-related distress, pills designed for bona fide depressive disorders are unlikely to diminish pain that owes its presence to unrealistic expectations or the burden of interpersonal holiday stresses.” Nonetheless, many pills will be popped and drinks poured over the holidays to provide a temporary happiness mask. The National Survey on Drug Use and Health, 2007, reported an increase “in nonmedical use of prescription pain relievers” by those over age 12 and under 25. This September the National Center for Health Statistics said that in any two-week period, one in 20 Americans is depressed. However, fewer than 30 percent see a mental-health professional. So often those who are looking for a pill to take the edge off have retreated into their own little world rather than talk with their spouse or friends. Rabbi Irwin Kula, in Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life, tells us, “The more we allow ourselves to unfold, the less likely we are to unravel.” Therapists remind us that in times of extreme stress people can fall into the anger trap of accusations and recriminations or choose to become generous and supportive of each other. Perhaps coping skills are the answer. Coping skills help one to see the world from another person’s perspective. I learned about coping skills while writing Sisterhood Betrayed and talked with developmental psychologist Dr. Myrna B. Shure, author of Thinking Parent, Thinking Child: How to Turn Your Most Challenging Everyday Problems into Solutions. Her programs for children had a surprising beneficial effect on mothers who translated parenting skills into workplace skills. Dr. Shure focuses on listening and learning rather than judging and reprimanding. For example, mothers who saw their child hitting another were quick to assume an accusing voice when they asked, “What are you doing?” She suggests kindly asking “Why are you feeling so bad?” As money worries and holiday stress collide, adults might take a page from her book. For the holidays, Dr. Ellison emphasized that “recognizing and modifying unrealistic expectations, remembering to care adequately for one’s self, and focusing on the positive aspects of the holidays may help us toward the elusive inner happiness we seek — more so than medications.” What is key here is focusing on the positive, which for many people might mean renewing a commitment to communication, kindness and intimacy. With that thought in mind, a minister in Grapevine, Texas, posed a challenge to the married couples in his congregation — lovemaking for seven nights in a row. Rita Watson is a monthly contributor and daily blogger ( www.ritawatson.com) .

Winter Romance Ideas and Technie Hints

Rita Watson — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 05:07:39 +0000
Here are some hot ideas for cold winter days and nights. AND a few hot techie tips as well. The following thoughts are from Redbook and they focus on winter romance. It is always glorious to meet someone during the holidays. But don't ignore the man you are with. And if you are with someone and he isn't Patrick Dempsey or someother dreamer, keep in mind the words of one of my dearest friends: "Sometimes you need to rub two sticks together before there is a spark." Winter Romance Ideas Techie Hints: I am not much of a Hints from Heloise person — but these household tips are worth repeating. What do they have to do with relationships or decisions? When you’ve dropped your husband or lover’s cell phone into a puddle, sink, or toilet — its a help to know how to dry it out without damaging it with a hair dryer. And a quick dry out decision is a relationship saver! And I love the idea of putting an alarm inside of a wine glass to really reverberate if you are foolish enough to agree to drive to the airport in the middle of the night. Lots of technie hints with this link. Technie Household Hints Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Princess Cafe, Tiara Included

Rita Watson — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 05:18:26 +0000
At the Butlers Cafe in Japan, women are being waited on by young, attractive, Western men.   See for yourself how these women, tired of the routine of daily life, are treated as if they are Princesses. Yes, tiara is included. Princess Cafe Later today watch for the week-end wrap-up. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Reviewing Happy Pills, Boston Legal's Gay Marriage, Grandparents

Rita Watson — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 03:12:58 +0000
During an time when we are all seeking happiness -- and the holidays and economic crisis are a challenge -- I can see why coping skills are so important a part of our lives. Boston Legal gave us an interesting perspective on coping with Alzheimer's. And "Calling in Gay" was a creative way of coping with frustration. Seeking Happiness with Pills and Coping Skills -- This is the happiness season. We are supposed to be smiling. But the economy is in a shambles and people are stressed even beyond the limits of the seasonal turmoil. Here is an article from my Sunday column that also appeared on World News Network online and France Observer. Read the rest of this entry » Boston Legal, The Last Laugh, and Negotiating Skills -- If you haven’t seen the Finale of Boston Legal, read the article, but skip the link. For me, I will truly miss Alan and Denny smoking their cigars and drinking their scotch on the balcony of old Boston neighborhood Read the rest of this entry » Call in Gay Day, Immigration Separation, Alan Weds Denny -- The News today focuses on quests and protests. In California, December 10th is being declared “A Day Without a Gay” patterned after a Latino movement protesting a proposed tough immigration bill that was signed into law in Georgia. Read the rest of this entry » Catching Happiness and Grandparents Love Secrets -- My great-grandmother had a young lover when she died at 104. She loved life and French silk nightgowns. Today, hot blogs are abuzz with grandparents love stories and “happiness contagion.” Read the rest of this entry » Expiration Date Comments and Divorce Rate --Received an email from a woman who called herself, “A Reader with Opinions aka Opinionated Reader.” Her words prompted me to post all of the comments from “Expiration Dates” and add a word or two about divorce statistics and the future of marriage. Read the rest of this entry » Winter Romance Ideas and Technie Hints -- Here are some hot ideas for cold winter days and nights. AND a few hot techie tips as well. Read the rest of this entry » Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Automatic Renewal Fees, Mattress Scams, and Good Sex

Rita Watson — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 04:10:28 +0000
Do you want to know what this blog post has to do with relationships? Read on!   It's about cutting down on stress by cancelling automatic renewing fees -- in writing -- and admitting that you probably are not sleeping because of the mattress scams.   The only way to get really SLEEPY is to become exhausted with the run around. First automatic renewal fees e-cards and credit reports: I am not naming names here but a certain e-card that started out free at one point began charging. So I paid. Then the fees got higher. I paid again. But then I stopped using the service. I called to cancel. But it was too late they said because it had already charged to my account. That was last year. Okay, then I will use it this year, but cancel for next year. Was I clear? Apparently not. Because I didn't cancel in writing and it just showed up again on my credit card statement. So I called. But the number doesn't give you a human voice. So I went through the list of options. I wanted to cancel. Ok, yes, I received my official cancellation date of November 2009 -- one year away. "No, no, no," I am screaming to the electronic voice. "I want a refund." "Thank you, and good-by, we appreciate your service."    Okay, instead of going to bed, it was very late, I sent the company an email. And guess what? You can't cancel online. You can only cancel on the voice mail.   How is my mood right now? So I called the credit card company and disputed the charge. They said they would try to resolve it. If not, I will happily post my email and password for everyone to send out free greeting cards on my account. WAIT, I'm not finished -- onto the credit report charge. Then there was a second charge that helped with my credit reports. I have a good report, thank you very much. "May I cancel and have a credit please?" >> "We can't cancel until we can find you in our system." "How can I help?" >>"Give us your Registration code number." "But I never remember registering." >>"Well, you must have a number because I see we billed you." Okay, two really good friends were here visiting today before leaving for Florida for the rest of the winter. So I was happy. But I think of all the women out there dealing with these situations. Just how happy are you going to be tonight, when your husband or lover comes home and says, "So tell me dear, how was your day?" Automatic billing was the culprit. I am informed that the charge for my good credit goes back to 2002. Why didn't I notice? I have had an accounting service manage my bills. But nonetheless, even if they didn't question -- where was my credit report going all these years that I haven't seen one? So I sent the company an email asking for a copy of my credit report, and a refund, and a cancellation. You have to be really clear, I've learned. This time, I received a customer number and an email telling me that someone would be contacting me regarding my case. Now for a good night's sleep -- forget it. Within six months of buying a mattress and box spring for about $1,000 -- it began to sag. I could roll a tennis ball to the center. No SLEEPY time for me. I called and they gave me the run around. Finally I sent in pictures. They sent a man to measure. He said IT DIDN'T SAG ENOUGH. But he was perplexed by the sound of springs in the center and the way the mattress bounced. Nonetheless, after taking out his piece of string -- my mattress didn't sag enough. My case was rejected. A year has passed maybe more. I stuffed pillows, I put a board, I tried buying those foam tops. Nothing worked. But I felt defeated. And I gave up. But then a saw that truck pull up with a mattress for another person scammed and I decided to take action. They said I should try rotating my mattress and flipping it over. But what a minute, what about the extra money I paid for the tufted topping that is only on ONE side? Okay, I flipped it to the hard as a board side. Bought myself new foam. And my back is still sore as can be. Will it matter if I call again? Maybe if I get SLEEPY enough -- are you getting the picture here? If not, do yourself a favor and read this before you buy. http://www.mattressscam.com/    And take note of the mattress ads. If you can trust just one of them, please get back to me. Although just writing this post has spurred me on. I am now angry enough to call again, and try again, or maybe take my own advice and send a letter. YES, a letter to the company president. Yes, why not? A funny aside, if I can bring myself to laugh. I know that I heard this from a friend who may have read this in Reader's Digest. Two neighbors meet. "Hi, I'm Fred, I live in the red house across the way. I'm in advertising." The other man says, "Hi, John. Live in the brown house on the corner. I'm a mattress salesman." The ad man, slapped John's back and said, "My good man, you don't sell mattresses. You sell sweet dreams and good sex." Tell that to the mattress scammers! ! ! But that joke must be years old -- who gets a good mattress anymore? OK, my kids have one -- a fancy foam mattress and I am just thinking that maybe I should write to the company and ask, "Why is it that you cannot put sheets on the bed that stay in place? They have a platform bed and the mattress sits inside. But you need two men and a derek to lift that mattress to make the bed.... so is this another scam? Do they need specially tailored sheets?? I have a lot of letters to write, don't I? And I haven't even thought yet about holiday cards. But I can promise this -- no one will be getting an electronic card from me this year. And believe me, Pollyana here is the first to admit she likes a cheerful blog post. So if you need a lift, go to Amy Sue Nathan and read her Accidental Luxuries post http://amysuenathan.com/?p=885 Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Nude Protest in Paris and Chosing the Internet over Sex

Rita Watson — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 03:28:41 +0000
Two interesting stories. Nude models in Paris are unwilling to give up tips. And in the US, both men and women are unwilling to give up Internet access, even if it means they forgoe sex. First, freezing models: On Monday nude models bared the elements to protest their low pay and the fact that a new mandate would prevent them from receiving tips. The story about the artists' models was reported by James Mackenzie PARIS (Reuters). Paris models Next story: The Internet tops sex! A new survey finds that both men and women would be willing to give up sex rather than forgoe access to the Internet. Perhaps this is not surprising since five years ago cyber-sex was such a lure that clinicians were finding that it was becoming a top reason for couples seeking therapy. In the new study, commissioned by Intel, and reported by Dawn Kawamoto, more than 2,000 adults were queried and most would chose the Internet over sex and even the Internet over television. The piece also noted, "Of course when it comes to TV, perhaps size matters, at least according to a different survey earlier this year of Britons conducted by electronics retailer Comet. Almost half of the men polled said they would give up sex for six months in return for a 50-inch plasma TV, according to Reuters." Internet sex survey Regarding cyber sex, the study was from a University of Florida researcher and reported on the BBC which noted, "We are hearing from therapists around the country reporting online sexual activity to be a major cause of marital problems," said Al Cooper, author of the book, "Sex And The Internet: A Guidebook For Clinicians."    Cyber sex Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Madoff Money Scandal and Divorce News from Page Six

Rita Watson — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 04:01:36 +0000
Money and marital troubles often go hand in hand. As Bernard Madoff is put under house arrest at his $7 million Manhattan apartment for allegedly orchestrating a $50 billion fraud, a 10,000 square foot penthouse at 740 Park Avenue is rumored to be the center of a marital battle. The pricey pad is home of United Technologies head; Page Six has the story. Betrayal of trust: The Madoff scandal is devastating for so many people – it was a greedy and insensitive betrayal of trust that is affecting companies, charitable foundations, and families.   A story today in Reuters, reported by Grant McCool and John Poirier noted that “A federal judge ordered Madoff, 70, confined to his $7 million Manhattan apartment and told Madoff's wife, Ruth, to surrender her U.S. passport by noon on Thursday as part of modified bail conditions.” Madoff, the former chairman of the NASDAQ Stock Market, is accused of running a "Ponzi" or "pyramid" scheme.  Reuters on Madoff At the end of this posting, take a look at the list of organizations affected. Divorce at 740 Park Avenue: While there is no apparent connection between the Madoff scandal and the recent divorce news of the uber-rich Henry and Nancy Silverman, Robert and Blaine Trump, and now George David and Countess Marie David – we know that money can strain the best of relationships. Here is my column with interviews from William H. Sledge, MD, Yale Psychiatry and Carl W. Bazil, MD, Columbia College of Physicians and Surgeons Money Woes Make for Grumpy Couples And as for Page Six gossip from the New York Post, here is the link Splitsville As reported by Reuters, the following were affected by the Madoff scandal: FAIRFIELD GREENWICH GROUP / BANCO SANTANDER SA / TREMONT HOLDINGS INC / ASCOT PARTNERS LLC /ACCESS INTERNATIONAL ADVISORS /FORTIS NV / HSBC HOLDINGS PLC / BENBASSAT & CIE / UNION BANCAIRE PRIVEE / NATIXIS SA / ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND GROUP PLC / BNP PARIBAS SA / SWISS LIFE / REICHMUTH & CO / BBVA / MAN GROUP PLC / DEXIA SA / NOMURA HOLDINGS / MAXAM CAPITAL MANAGEMENT LLC / EIM GROUP / AOZORA BANK LTD / CREDIT INDUSTRIEL ET COMMERCIAL SA / UNICREDIT SPA / UBI BANCA / NORDEA BANK AB / BENEDICT HENTSCH / THE TOWN OF FAIRFIELD, CONN. EMPLOYEES PENSION FUND / BALOISE / AUSTIN CAPITAL MANAGEMENT / BANK MEDICI / KINGATE GLOBAL FUND LTD / UBS AG / BRAMDEAN ALTERNATIVES LTD / BOSTON PROPERTIES INC / CHAIS FAMILY FOUNDATION (Reporting by Reuters bureaus, compiled by Lisa Jucca, Muralikumar Anantharaman and Steve Slater; editing by Jeffrey Benkoe and Simon Jessop) Reuters FACTBOX As Dr. Sledge pointed out, during times of economic stress, “Resentments get magnified, regrets become manifest, old wounds are reopened for review and inspection, and recriminations are laid out, After all, it is only money. But if the money signifies perhaps lifetime achievement, comfort, success - then the sense of self takes a serious hit.” (More love and money news at www.ritawatson.com) When life gets messy — as it can with financial stress — the words of Rabbi Irwin Kula in his book called Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life can be comforting. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Loving Words Instead of Fighting Words, Argue Fairly

Rita Watson — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 04:32:25 +0000
Today was a snow day. People were frustrated. And couples were arguing. So it time to repeat once again, words that I say often: “Be kind to everyone whom you meet. . . ” .. and be especially kind to your husband, wife, lover, children, and family. To encourage intimacy, try kind words. Sometimes that means turning the other cheek, or speaking a word of praise even if you are angry. The power of forgiveness is expansive and gratitude reaps rewards. The saying, “Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle”   comes from a philosopher in 400 BC — attributed to Plato although I heard recently that was a mistaken attribution. Nonetheless the words continue:

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Leave the rest to God.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. . . .

Life is about learning to dance in the rain.

Arguments: During times of holiday stress, arguments happen usually because two people have two different needs, wants, or opinions. Instead of negotiating, talking, or compromising - prior to a full blown argument there will be little “digs” and then a bit of sarcasm, door slamming, and then the explosion. I cannot say it often enough the words, “How many times have I told you?” or its partner in crime, “Why do I have to keep repeating myself?” -- do not work! How to argue fairly: Here is some advice on how to resolve conflicts. If you seem to be in the relationship hell of hidden agendas or serious conflicts most of the time, here are some rules from Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s “Oprah & Friends” XM Radio Show: Argue Fairly Negotiating Session: Here is a suggestion on how couples can learn to talk to each other from Dr. Paula Hall for the BBC:

Each partner gets 30 minutes to talk. (Or 20 minutes if one feels time pressured)

The other partner gives undivided attention

After the hour is up, both walk away and do something else

Do not analyze the conversation

Agree not to talk about it for at least 48 hours

If you find the exercise useful, set a regular date taking it in turns as to whom will talk first. Communications Laugh away the anger: While the root of a conflict is never a laughing matter, it is really important for two people to get over the anger that generated the conflict in the first place. It is helpful if each of you remembers something about the other person that generates laughter — even silliness. I know of one gentlemen who, after an argument with his wife, will appear at the bedroom door with a Groucho Marx mask - or whatever he can find from his bag of tricks — knock on the door and say, “Special delivery! — I hear you are hoping mad at your hubby so how about some hot sex with me?”   It’s enough to get them both laughing again. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Bernard Madoff, Money, Marriage, and Cheating Spouses

Rita Watson — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 19:17:08 +0000
Whenever we hear about a scandal that swindles people of their money, we are outraged. And yet, we love movies that portray an art scam such as the Thomas Crowne affair, and are glued to television programs that glorify adultry. The soap operas have existed for years despite their daily dose of decpetion. Why are we so furious about the Bernard Madoff scandal? Because he was a former head of NASDAQ and he betrayed the people's trust. The sheer magnitude and extensiveness of the apparent fraud offends our sensibilities. Despite books and movies, we learned very little from the fall of Salomon Brothers, Liars Poker or from the Enron travesty, Smartest Guys in the Room. Can it be that we just turn and look the other way if we benefit from the deception in some way? Perhaps with love and money, the answer is "Yes." Mistresses and adultery: In a piece by Jessie Knadler for Women’s Health in the November issue, we learn that 62 percent of women interviewed say they would rather be the mistress than the spurned wife. She also tells us why there is no longer a Scarlet Letter which brands women who cheat and why “Angelina Jolie, [is] now seen by many as a saint, not as a home wrecker, and France’s first lady, Carla Bruni, hailed as the new Jackie Onassis. Such labels would have been unthinkable a generation ago. ” Knadler points out that “some experts believe our views of marriage are changing. . . And a number of studies have shown that about half of all married men and women have cheated.” I explored the topic in Husband Snatchers aka the Male Poachers With every wave of political sex scandals, I search out research on deception in marriage -- and the picture gets uglier each time. For some reason or another, the message that cheating is lying is deception is betrayal is lost of those in love and in money. Deception and Madoff: Mark Patimkin at the Providence Journal had a interesting take on Madoff -- he has no sympathy for the big losers who were also colluders. In his Sunday column, he said, " We are supposed to feel sorry for the people wiped out in the Bernard Madoff scandal. I do feel for some — like the old folks in Florida who lost their nest eggs and the charities who had their endowments wiped out. I will tell you who I don’t feel sorry for: Those who, in terms of dollars, are the most catastrophic victims. I’m talking about the private investment funds that lost billions."   Mark Patinkin CNN just ran a piece from FORTUNE regarding the six most asked questions about Madoff Six_madoff_questions. But the most interesting question not asked nearly enough -- is why so many people refused to acknowledge that something was wrong. It all seemed to be too good to be true, and indeed it was built on lies.   Slate Magazine reports on "Why the Madoff scam is bigger than you think" The Big Money Last March for one of my own Projo columns I reported, "Financial literacy is becoming a new slogan in our economy." The Business Council and the Conference Board Survey of Chief Executives released in February found that more than 85 percent of members see conditions in the U.S. economy as having deteriorated during the past six months, “and 77 percent expect that conditions will worsen in the next six months.”Money, Marriage, Sex and Secrets Sunday, March 2, 2008 And yet, I wonder how many people took time to rethink their spending habits or take a second look at their portfolios? For the rapidly approaching New Year, I am going to encourage that we look back at history, rethink trust, and rethink honesty both in money and in marriage. Maybe the New Year will mean that people will decide to be thankful for what they have and work together to build a more realistic future. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Pudgy Heart Risk, Fine Wine, and Sexercise

Rita Watson — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:27:11 +0000
We hear it time and again, Americans are overweight. Now a new study puts even us "pleasingly plump" ones at heart risk. But we can watch our diets, drink fine wine, exercise or sexercise. Consider the options. A little bit pudgy can be deadly -- In a new article by Will Dunham from WASHINGTON (Reuters) he tells us that a new study published on Monday, " calculated the heart hazards of being pudgy but not obese." We all know that obseity is a dangerous risk factor because it taxes the heart making it difficult to pump enough blood throughout the body. But this article tells us that  "researchers who tracked the health of 21,094 U.S. male doctors for two decades found that even those who were only modestly overweight had a higher risk -- and it grew along with the amount of extra weight. " It seems that Dr. Satish Kenchaiah at Boston's Brigham and Women's Hospital also studied the effects of physical activity with regard to the heart failure risk. And once again the researchers confirmed that "The lean and active group had the lowest risk and the obese and inactive group had the highest risk." Heart Risk Now we have heard that one to two glasses of wine per day is beneficial. And a group in Bulgaria is about to join in the fine wine business. Fine wines -- Here's to your health:  Tsvetelia Ilieva reporting from RESTOVITSA, Bulgaria (Reuters) - tells us that despite Bulgaria's sagging economy, "the Todoroff winery has a strategy." The report says,  "We expect a collapse which we will try to overcome with high-quality wine," says its manager Kiril Izmirov. Bulgaria currently accounts for approximately 0.6 percent of world production since their wines are not distinctively known for quality. But they are banking of " a mix of Thracian mystery and top-quality grapes from one of the world's oldest winemaking regions" to change their image. Ilieva quotes Alexander Kanev, executive director of Bessa Valley as saying: "The boutique wineries are the future."   The group is funded by German Count Stephan von Neipperg, who also owns six wine cellars in Bordeaux. Quality Bulgarian Wines Exercise and sexercise: Couples who have been avoiding sex, should reconsider the benefits. There are 20 million sexless marriages in the US. Perhaps a bit of fine wine can set the mood for some good nightly exercise.   Why? It eases stress, boosts your heart health, fights aging, and strengthens the immune system.   In fact, even just once a week sex is beneficial. And if you want to see some provocative ways to enhance your health, here are yoga moves to improve sex. High on Happiness, Yoga for Partners But for those who prefer actual exercise, but are not likely to get to a gym, here is some good news. You don’t have to walk miles and miles each day. Just 30 minutes three times a week is said to benefit you mind and body. Walk away to health   The secret to a healthy life is to get moving! Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Christmas, Hanukkah, Kindness, and Love

Rita Watson — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 05:31:04 +0000
This year Christmas and Hanukkah seem to be entwined. This is a time when individuals reestablish within their hearts and with family and friends their relationship to tradition and belief. The Festival of Lights began at sundown this past Sunday. And this evening in Christian churches throughout the nation members held candles and sang to commemorate the birth of a child in a manager. A group of us attended the First Baptist Church of Providence, RI this evening to sing, light candles, and to hear the words of our neighbor Rev. Dan Ivins. He had an interesting perspective on Christmas.   He told a story of a man who took his teen-age wife with him to Bethlehem to protect her from the gossip of those wondering about the young woman with child.   While many have looked at the inn-keeper as a man who would not open his doors to the young couple, he told of a man who gave a gift to Joseph and Mary, the privacy of birth -- a birth celebrated in song and in liturgy even today as “the newborn king.” The full text will be posted at: First Baptist Church     According to About.com, “The festival of Hanukkah (also spelled Chanukah) was established to commemorate the Jewish Maccabees' military victory over the Greek-Syrians and the rededication of the Second Temple, which had been desecrated by the Greek-Syrians, to the worship of God. Thus, Hanukkah is a celebration of Jewish national survival and religious freedom." Judaism   To feel a part of the two holidays, here are two special programs from National Public Radio www.NPR.org with links so that you might listen to each, A Hanukkah Lights Celebration and a Jazz Piano Christmas Celebration. From their website: NPR.org, December 3, 2008 "An NPR holiday tradition for nearly two decades, Hanukkah Lights presents brand new fiction to celebrate and illuminate the holiday season — moving tales of discovery and reconciliation, the persistence of hope and the promise of undimmed light — read by Susan Stamberg and Murray Horwitz."   Festival of Lights Also from their website: "NPR.org, December 12, 2008 - This year, there's a Latin tinge to NPR's holiday music tradition. The 19th annual A Jazz Piano Christmas features three of the most respected names in Latin jazz: pianists Arturo O'Farrill, Eliane Elias and Rebeca Mauleon. An up-and-coming piano talent joins the celebration, too: Angel Echevarria, 19, grew up listening to salsa music in New York City. " A Jazz Piano Christmas If one thinks about the two holidays, they are really celebrations of gratitude, at least in my world. And so I re-read on of my postings on kindness and found two quotes to live by: from author Henry James: "Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind." from Winston Churchill: "We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give." At both Hanukkah and Christmas there is an exchange of gifts, but the greatest gifts we can give to one another are gratitude, forgiveness, and love. Happy Holidays / R Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Returning and Re-Gifting, Relationship Etiquette

Rita Watson — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 04:03:39 +0000
If your sweetheart gives you a gift that you really dislike should you return it? Or should you be grateful and keep it as a gesture of kindness? Purchasing gifts can stressful. I am someone who obsesses over the perfect gift. I love it when there is a special museum exhibit and I can buy gifts to save for special occasions. One of the most unique set of gifts I ever gave were designed and made by my friend Susan Schachter of The Artful Jewel. Because I believe most people put thought into a gift – I almost never return a gift. Returning Gifts: As such, I will not be part of the statistic of “one in three” shoppers taking gifts back to the stores today. However, Tatiana Morales in a piece for CBS tells us, “Surprisingly, more men than women plan to haul their gifts back to the store. And the younger the shopper the more likely it is that he or she will return holiday gifts: 42 percent of 18-34 year olds will return gifts, 39 percent of shoppers age 35-44, and 33 percent of shoppers 45 or older.” Here is a link to options for returning gifts from AOL’s Regina Lewis, consumer advisor with good advice regarding deadlines and receipts.  CBS Gift Returns Re-Gifting: In the relationship section of Canadian Living, Natalie Bahadur presents 8 simple rules for re-gifting. She says, “We spoke with Louise Fox, director of Protocol Solutions and The Etiquette Ladies, to school us in the ways of re-gifting. “According to Fox, re-gifting was once considered rude and unacceptable under just about any circumstance. Is it an acceptable practice today? ‘Not entirely’, she says. ‘As with most other areas of etiquette, it can depend on the situation.’” The article presents rules of etiquette for proper re-gifting such as: Item must be brand-new, should not have been hanging around your closet for years, and should never be something hand made especially for you unless it is a family heirloom to be handed down to another member of the family. Re-Gifting Rules After Christmas Sales: Good news for shoppers the day after Christmas is bad news for retailers – In an article for the Associated Press by Anne D’Innocenzio and Ashley M Heher called, Stores pull all-nighters, trying to save season they reported on the sales drop but noted, “Dan de Grandpre, editor-in-chief of www.dealnews.com, which tracks discounts both online and at regular stores, said he is still seeing stores inundated with merchandise. That means that shoppers will have a lot of choices among the piles of deeply discounted items after Christmas.” Sales   If you missed yesterday's post, here is the link:Christmas, Hanukkah, Kindness, and Love Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Fluttering Lashes, Flirting, and the Color Red

Rita Watson — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 04:59:42 +0000
Flashing the lashes might just be getting easier for some women. In this season of partying and flirting, we know that fluttering lashes, a beckoning smile, and the color red are considered essentials. Fluttering Eye Lashes:  Reuters just reported that a new eyelash thickening drug called Latisse has been approved by the the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. The report noted that “Allergan Inc, maker of Botox, said on Friday that Latisse is designed to treat a condition known as hypotrichosis of the eyelashes, in which a person has does not have enough eyelashes.” Will all those of us who wish we had longer lashes find this an answer to prayer? Yes and no. It seems that there are a few side effects, but perhaps it will be worth taking the chance on beauty. Eye Lashes Flirting and Body Language: Dr. Tracy Cox for BBC has a full relationship section on flirting. I will give you a highlight of her secrets to determine that someone is flirting with you. But you really want to read this full link to understand the why and how of seduction with mirroring, the eyebrow flash, pointing, blinking, and learning the golden rule of body language. Flirting The Color Red: We know that red is a power color. Women often wear red jackets to a business meeting to accentuate their position within an organization or the position of power that they wish to evoke. Wearing red is even said to raise one's body temperature. Red is also seductive. CNN noted that “Men also were more likely to say they wanted to have sex with a woman and that they would be willing to spend more on a date if she were in red, according to the report in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. According to the study author Andrew Elliot, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester: ”We think that red, due to the association with hearts and Valentine's Day and lingerie and things like that, takes on a sexy meaning," says Elliot. "There's also a possibility -- a rather provocative possibility -- that there's a deeply embedded sort of tendency for heterosexual men to see red as an attraction cue because that's what happens in the wild." CNN and Red Additionally the color red is said to stimulate heartbeats and one's appetite. Copyright 2008 Rita Watson

Seven Days to Your Heart's Desire

Rita Watson — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 01:41:58 +0000
Men dream big dreams — a new car, a new boat, a new job. Women traditionally dream small dreams — a call from their special significant other, time alone, a new outfit. Now is the time to make a decision to follow your heart and make a secret dream come true. It might be a career change, a relationship change (for better or worse), a goal, a secret desire. Whenever you begin saying, “I wish…” it is time for the dream. But first, if you are single and dreading being alone, here are some hints for New Year's Eve. Shine Day One: Dream Your Dreams

Let your mind wander as you dream impossible dreams

Spend at least five minutes several times today just day-dreaming.

Write down the whispering of your soul.

Write down the most outrageous dream you can imagine for yourself.

What is the one dream that keeps recurring even though it may be in different forms? Write it down.

Think of a dream that your heart of hearts is telling you about.

At the end of the day write down the one dream that dominates your thinking. This is your heart’s desire.

Now celebrate even if you are alone on New Year's Eve. Buy yourself some fabulous champagne. My favorite is Veuve Clicquot. Read about this widow and how she became a legend. Her story, Times Book Review Her champagne. Veuve Clicquot -- Be certain to click on USA for the English translation. Adapted from A Serenity Journal and The Art of Decision Making
© copyright 2008 Watson

Your Heart's Desire, Day Two, Focus

Rita Watson — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 03:49:41 +0000
In the first day of Seven Day's to A Successful Dream: Your Heart's Desire, you dreamed the dreams. Now is time to focus on your goal, your heart’s desire. For an day (or week if you do this in weekly steps), you will want to think, act and talk to yourself about the dream. >> Always be certain in your heart that the dream, the goal you wish to accomplish, is coming true. >> Tell no one at all about this dream. Don’t be concerned about how it will happen. >> Keep the dream locked quietly in your heart. It is too early to share your thoughts. >> Feel the dream and experience how the dream makes you feel. This is beyond, “What if” this is the time to say, “I am loving this new job.” Or, “Yes, this is my perfect partner.” >> If you can see it in your mind’s eye, you can achieve it. Think of this exercise as guided imagery. copyright 2008 ritawatson

Champagne Bubbles, Breasts, and New Year Love

Rita Watson — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 04:03:25 +0000
As we celebrate the New Year, we have two French women to thank -- Marie Antoinette for the champagne glass and the Widow Clicquot for the bubbles. The champagne glass itself is said to be modeled from the breast of Marie Antoinette. While today we seem to prefer tall fluted champagne glasses, the traditional ones are open and shaped more like, well, a breast – Marie Antoinette’s. In fact the glasses were said to be porcelain milk bowls which are at the Musée National de Céramique de Sèvres in Paris. The Smartset.com Champagne: I like anything that sparkles, but my favorite champagne is Veuve Clicquot – which in the days of high living was served generously in first class to Paris. But in addition to taste, I loved the story told to us by one of the stewardesses. Read about this remarkable widow and how she held onto her vineyards and became a legend. At the Rhode Island School of Design:  In thinking about the museum collections for Marie Antoinette and crystal champagne glasses, I was reminded of the exquisite glass collection at RISD’s new Chace Center. http://www.risdmuseum.org/ . From the futuristic glassworks of Dale Chihuly to Beth Lipman’s After Your Gone crystal still-life imagery – this is a place to trigger imaginative ideas for the New Year.   Love and Lovers 2009: As an incurable romantic, I am presenting in "Love and Lovers" just my simple formula for the New Year. It is aimed at helping to rekindle love or strengthen a relationship. Upon awakening each morning make a promise to yourself that you will:

Laugh often,

Express gratitude,

Embrace forgiveness, and

Wish blessings.

Whether you are married or single, Scott Haltzman, M.D., a psychiatrist and assistant professor at Brown University, shares what may seem like controversial ideas in his two books: Secrets of Happily Married Women and Secrets of Happily Married Men. Hormones, spring fever and sex  In depicting love and forgiveness, he presents us with a blueprint for joy. Providence Love and Marriage Examiner  -- ce'est moi! The above were adapted from postings I wrote yesterday -- and there you can leave comments! So sign in. Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

True Love in Year of the Cougar, Love 2009

Rita Watson — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 07:14:39 +0000

According to The Sunday Times today, "Scientists discover true love."   And in this Year of the Cougar, the news is encouraging.
John Harlow and Brendan Montague reported that, " Brain scans have proved that a small number of couples can respond with as much passion after 20 years as most people exhibit only in the first flush of love. "The findings overturn the conventional view that love and sexual desire peak at the start of a relationship and then decline as the years pass." Times online
The Year of the Cougar and Love 2009:

This has been the year of the Cougar and I am in the cheering section. As an incurable romantic I believe in love, marriage, and relationships. But this year we are being challenged to put aside traditional thinking. The image of the wedding cake topper bride and groom is being replaced. Younger men are meeting and marrying older women. Gay couples are forming life-long marital unions. And reports from 13 countries say that living together is up and marriage is down, but the couples are making a commitment nonetheless.

With change in the air, we have a New Year opportunity to celebrate relationships from new perspectives, bring more joy into the lives of those we love, and be more open to forgiveness.

Cougar relationships, gender expert: In talking about Cougar relationships, Susan Shapiro Barash, a gender expert and author who teaches at Marymount Manhattan College, in New York says, “The relationship is a meeting of the minds — soul mates. This is a very bold step for these couples because they are defining themselves differently than the traditional family.”

She adds: “It is empowering for women who marry younger men. This defies the norm in a prescribed role. With older and richer men marrying younger women there was always tacit approval of the trophy wife; whereas women do not view the younger men in their lives as arm candy.” Here is her latest book Little-White-Lies   Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie

Gay marriage: One of the most dramatic changes in Relationships 2008 came about as we witnessed the marriage of gay couples where restrictive laws were lifted. Many people are overjoyed, but others are happy with the status quo. Attorney Donna McCormick, herself in an 18 year relationship, said she is thrilled that gays who wish to marry can now do so in Massachusetts. But she still sees marriage as a heterosexual institution that holds no appeal for her.

She also wryly adds, “Many lesbians are in the category of ‘who needs it’ whereas it is the gay men who are more inclined to gay marriage.’" Nonetheless as with any other right, it provides one with options and choices as does living together instead of getting married.

The future of marriage: I worry about the future of marriage, but am still amused with a New Yorker cartoon several months ago by Michael Crawford. A middle-aged couple in the formal “just married” attire of tux and tulle are sitting in the back of a limousine. The caption reads: “It didn’t have to end like this.”In an era in which infidelity is skyrocketing, one does need to rethink love, marriage and forgiveness.

Rabbi M. Gary Newman in his best selling book The Truth About Cheating, talked about cheating on the Oprah Winfrey Show Oprah.com/ interview.  He tells us that one in three men are cheating on their wives, but it is not necessarily for sex, but rather for companionship and acceptance; in other words, they cheat out of loneliness and not enough attention at home.

For loves past, present, and future the words of a life-coach friend and mother resonate: “You attract what you project.” A Serenity Journal

Commiting to love: Think of your partner as loving and magnanimous and you will treat the person with love and respect. With this New Year, regardless of the type of relationship you are in, look to 2009 as a year of opportunity and love. Instead of fretting about financial issues – believe you will find your treasure. Ignore hidden agendas, and talk openly and honestly to each other with calm and kindness. Then make an investment – in each other -- and if you are single -- invest in yourself -- commit to the joy of love, the humility of forgiveness. ( from Providence Love and Marriage Examiner)

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson

At last, here's how to train your husband

Rita Watson — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 05:14:26 +0000
from my Providence Journal column, editorial page, Sunday, January 3, 2008 We live in a make-over world. New reports tell us that men seeking Botox treatment may soon outnumber the women. However, for women, the makeover goes beyond faces, clothes or redecorating. The new “change” chant is accompanied by finger-pointing at their men. This is not about trading them for younger, thinner, smarter, richer, but rather accepting the words of psychologist Helen Fisher, who, in a Today Show interview, said, “If you can train a pigeon, you can train a man.” As we enter the New Year, the makeover mantra continues. Single women still believe they can turn confirmed bachelors into marriage material. And while married women hum “Stand by your man,” there is a caveat. The men must learn money-management skills, help with housework or children, and spend less time surfing the sports channels. Patrick Tracey, author of Stalking Irish Madness: Searching for the Roots of My Family’s Schizophrenia ( www.stalkingirishmadness.com), tells us, “While men can and do change, we tend not to do it with a gun to our heads. The best a woman can do is to give up on us and go find a guy who’s already made his changes.” Schizophrenia, a chronic and severe brain disorder, is characterized by hallucinations and delusions that can trigger fears, immobilization or agitation. Because of his concern about the family schizophrenia, Tracey decided against having children. “Yet for a while there, all I was meeting were women in their late 30s or early 40s who were running out of eggs any day now,” he said. “I tried to tell them that I was not daddy material given my questionable gene bank, and drinking problem, but for the most part they did not want to hear it.” With his drinking, he said, “Every girlfriend nagged me silly and invariably I’d move on — not from the drink, but from them. I became something of a serial monogamist. It wasn’t until I was all alone that I decided to make the change myself. "I quit drinking seven years ago and know in my core that it never would have happened with someone bugging me about it or waiting around for me to do it for them. It doesn’t work that way. As selfish as it may sound to some, we have to make the change for ourselves.” Women who want to make over their man often have unrealistic expectations, according to a Journal of Personality and Social Psychology article several years ago. Their frustration leads to nagging, sharp voices and criticism. There is a better way. Husband-training, basic behavior modification used by animal trainers on killer whales and baboons, is advocated by Amy Sutherland in her book, What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage: Lessons from Animals and Their Trainers. Author Christina Gombar (www.christinagombar.com) worked on Wall Street and remembers the last couple of market crashes. She says, “Take the money issues so many people are facing today. As I get older, I realize to what extent I absorbed my mother’s Depression-era sense of deprivation. I used to be critical of my husband, who frets if our house is not bursting with good food and wine eaten in great quantity — as did my mother. I could eat yogurt and eggs for a week. Want an example of how rewarding positive behavior works while nagging would be a waste of time? Look at the sea lions that are balancing balls on their noses. Positive behavior is rewarded while negative behavior is ignored. "Now I realize that when a person works hard they need to indulge in one area of their lives. Peter suffers if he can’t have a nice light fixture or shirt, whereas I’m thrilled if I can get things cheap or free. I enjoy a meal out more if it’s a good deal.” She says “People with opposite money styles, who are willing to accept each other, can wind up learning from each other, adjust their extremes, and eventually work out their differences in a complementary way.” But she acknowledges that marital compromise is difficult. With and without expectations of change — folks continue to marry and divorce. Paul Sapir, M.D., a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown, says he is often reminded of words heard early in his career: “Remember, once you get married it doesn’t go home.” At last, here's how to train your husband by Rita Watson appeared in my Providence Journal column, editorial page, Sunday, January 3, 2008 My Projo article -- World News and The New York Daily News World News Network New York Daily News, The Today Show -- mid-way down the page. Rita Watson ( www.ritawatson.com ) is a monthly contributor and syndicated daily blogger. Copoyright 2008 Rita Watson

Madoff, Money, Love on the Marriage-Go-Round

Rita Watson — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:52:01 +0000
As the prosecutors try to jail Bernard Madoff couples everywhere are feeling the effects of the financial crisis. In a update on Madoff, NEW YORK (Reuters) reported today: " Accused swindler Bernard Madoff should be jailed for violating a court order by mailing $1 million worth of diamonds, watches and other jewelry to friends and family, U.S. prosecutors told a court on Wednesday. Prosecutors said Madoff had become a flight risk and should be jailed immediately. Reuters.com Each day we hear of more stories of people whose lives are being affected by the economy. The Bernard Madoff scheme appears to have left charities and pension funds struggling or closing their doors. As the economy continues its downward spiral turn let’s hope that in choosing a husband you did not put money before looks or values as we learned can be the case from the 2008 Valentine's Day Love and Money Survey.   Each day there is more disheartening news about joblessness, retail sales, and a major drop in housing prices. How will the news affect your stress level and marriage?   Resentments: William Hurt Sledge, MD, medical director of Yale New Haven Psychiatric Hospital, said, “Couples or people who mean something to each other get stressed with this uncertain economy. . . Resentments get magnified, regrets become manifest, old wounds are reopened for review and inspection, and recriminations are laid out.” But it doesn’t have to be that way. Prize-winning Rhode Island author Christina Gombar who lives in Saunderstown with her husband Peter Leviten, talked with me last week about her days on Wall Street. www.christinagombar.com). Depression-era mentality: She remembers the last couple of market crashes and says she adapted her mother’s Depression-era mentality. “I used to be critical of my husband, who frets if our house is not bursting with good food and wine eaten in great quantity — as did my mother. I could eat yogurt and eggs for a week. Now I realize that when a person works hard they need to indulge in one area of their lives.” She added “People with opposite money styles willing to accept each other can wind up learning from each other, adjust their extremes, and eventually work out their differences in a complementary way.” But she acknowledges that marital compromise is difficult. Generosity: Dr. Sledge pointed out, however, that with these tough economic times, some people have giving hearts. “Some people reach out to each other and actually become more generative and generous, bringing a sense that whatever awful things happen, they will endure with the good that they have.” Money Woes For those battling over money issues big or small, you might try to scale back, speak kindly to each other, and find time for loving. Copyright 2009 Rita Watson


Stripper 127 x 170 - 16k - jpg weirdnews.about.com	I’ve tried, Lord knows I’ve tried to ... 223 x 162 - 4k - jpg phosnorkapages.blogspot.com	By The Associated Press 300 x 300 - 45k - jpg www.wkrg.com

Yes, I probably would.	9%
I'd be devastated, but would try my best to deal.	33%
No way, I'd be out the door.	58%