The most common reasons for divorce are also the most common problems about which couples argue: money and sex vie for first place and next comes work, children, and household chores.
Arguments: While most arguments start because two people have two different needs, wants, or opinions, oftentimes instead of negotiating, talking, or compromising – prior to a full blown argument there will be little “digs” and then a bit of sarcasm, door slamming, and then the explosion.
I cannot say it often enough the words, “How many times have I told you?” or its partner in crime, “Why do I have to keep repeating myself?” are counterproductive.
Here is some advice on how to resolve conflicts from MSN. com and from BBC. com.
If you seem to be in the relationship hell of hidden agendas or serious conflicts most of the time, relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall for BBC Relationships has some advice. Arguments
How to fight fairly: Here are some rules from Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s “Oprah & Friends” XM Radio Show: Argue Fairly
Negotiating Session: Dr. Hall also has a suggestion on how couples can learn to talk to each other. But to do so requires a bit of practice and she advises a warm-up time. Here is what she proposes:
- Each partner gets 30 minutes to talk. (Or 20 minutes if one feels time pressured)
- The other partner gives undivided attention
- After the hour is up, both walk away and do something else
- Do not analyze the conversation
- Agree not to talk about it for at least 48 hours
If you find the exercise useful, set a regular date taking it in turns as to whom will talk first. Communications
Laugh away the anger: While the root of a conflict is never a laughing matter, it is really important for two people to get over the anger that generated the conflict in the first place. It is helpful if each of you remembers something about the other person that generates laughter — even silliness.
I know of one gentlemen who, after an argument with his wife, will appear at the bedroom door with a Groucho Marx mask – or whatever he can find from his bag of tricks — knock on the door and say, “Special delivery! — I hear you are hoping mad at your hubby so how about some hot sex with me?”
It’s enough to get them both laughing again. But here is something else… a laugh track. Laughter is contagious — not a substitute for saying, “I’m sorry,” but it is a good mood setter. If you don’t believe that laughter is contagious, listen to the weather women.
Copyright 2008 Rita Watson