Cheating, Chemotherapy, and Commitment
Posted on August 13, 2008
Filed Under Cheating, Commitment, Marriage | 5 Comments
The cheating privileges given by Samantha, Sex in the City, to her young lover while she was undergoing chemotherapy underscores the devastating effects of treatment. Although I wrote about it for my monthly Op-ed column for the Providence Journal, “Of DNA and Desire” I had no idea that the John and Elizabeth Edwards story would surface. Today the issue of infidelity is all the more poignant in the face of reality.
Cheating: Despite the parade of infidelity scandals among politicians — the outrage and finger-pointing with the John Edwards story is searing. Why? Because in most of the other scandals, there was always a question: Did the wives know? Was there a silent arrangement?
Commitment: John and Elizabeth seemed to portray a perfect marriage. Their family survived the tragedy of their teenage son’s death with an admirable sense of faith and love. Even though he wasn’t our presidential pick, we appreciated the family man.
“W” Skeletons: Perhaps it is the loss of an image that really angers us most today. We have come to expect certain tawdriness in our politicians. And with George Bush we knew that one day a movie would portray the closet filled with skeletons. The new Oliver Stone film “W” promises to rattle those bones.
Cheating and truth: But John and Elizabeth were models. And we needed an icon. Are we really appalled at what he did to Elizabeth or what he did to us? What happens behind closed doors is a matter between husband and wife. But when one is a public figure running for president then it seems all bets are off. Today the media is questioning their inability to do the digging to get at the truth.
But what is the truth? And what is the message? I like what Rabbi Shmuley Boteach in The Jerusalem Post a few days ago: “Why Men Like John Edwards Cheat.” He pointed out that Elizabeth believed John should continue pursuing his presidential dream despite her metastatic breast cancer. It was an example for their children to know that despite difficult battles, life goes on.
Commitment to children: The Rabbi says, “But perhaps an even more important lesson to the convey to our children is that what will truly make them special in life is not becoming president but being committed and loving family members who always put each other first.
As we sit and wonder and judge – I am reminded of an often-quoted phrase from my grandmother, straight from the Bible, “Let he who is not guilty cast the first stone.”
(posted earlier on Talking Points Memo – To read comments go The Politics of Sex and Commitment
Copyright 2008 Rita Watson
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5 Responses to “Cheating, Chemotherapy, and Commitment”
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It is not a crime to be unfaithful…nor is it something new especially in politics…what I don’t understand is they all get caught but nobody learns from other’s mistakes I guess they all go by “When in Rome, do as the Romans do”
seems to me when a man gets public attention & power their brains drift down to their private parts
Family man! ! ! Are you in another world? He was all for himself. A total egomaniac. Get real.
Brody here: Step back, ladies. Read the blog post “Why Men Cheat.” You’ll see that No. 5 says: “It’s our biological nature.”
First Denny Crane and now Samantha Jones ? Rita, for someone who loudly advertises the absence of a tv set in her life, you sure throw around the pop references like someone whose eyes are as glued to the boob tube as they are to her computer screen. If you refuse to acknowledge this chink in your armor , can I at least deduct my yearly cable charge on your tax return? And Rita, let’s get your story straight. Isn’t it Smith who gives her his unconditional support during her fight with breast cancer? And isn’t it Samantha who has the difficulty with monogamy?
Regarding your comments about icons – Rita, the most important role models should be the ones closet to us – our parents and if you have kids, you and your spouse, not some distant celebrity or newsmaker who given our lack of personal contact, will inevitably be an object of our idealized, if not fact based, view of marriage.
As it turns out, real life as always, trumps fiction. I’m amazed that I was able to access all of the tawdry tabloid details of l’affaire Edwards in of all scandal sheets, the New York Times. And my sadness isn’t about John and Elizabeth; let’s face it, they’re wealthy and money makes up for a lot of shortcomings. At worse, they’ll co-exist in their 28,000 square foot palace. No, the sadness should be over the alleged father of the mistress’ child, Edwards’ former campaign aide, married with three kids, who sold his house to move into rented quarters, and then, at the expense of Edwards’ well heeled friends, moved across the country to a rental in California the lease of which is about to expire. The Times failed to report how he’s made a living since leaving the campaign. The mistress in question is an emotionally distraught person who knows at least now, that she was never to be the future Mrs. E.. That she initially shared the California rental with the aide and his family would invite titillating speculation but I suspect the truth is far more prosaic – a matter of economics.
Rabbi Boteach’s writes as a spiritual leader, someone who sets the bar for what is morally correct, not for us to judge others but as a matter of how we should conduct our lives. And for politicians he sets a debatably high standard of behavior. I agree with him that the time taken to have, to use your words, ‘hot sex’ with a person other than your spouse, is time taken away from family. But what will never appear on the cover of the National Enquirer or even in All The News That’s Fit To Print is that for aspiring politicians the real mistress is, as Boteach alludes, the electorate and once elected a never ending line of people who want a piece of your time. It’s clear where infidelity stands in the moral universe. Ambition involves murkier ground, and a question of whether you can live up to one ideal, that of devoted family man or woman and another, the work ethic which promises at least in theory, position, riches and the admiration of the public. Possessed of high self esteem and moral compass, can a politician balance the two?