I met a couple at a party – she was an absolute delight and explained that her successful husband was her former student. He is 15 years younger and they are long term happily married.
Yesterday, totally out of context, I ran into someone who knew them!
“But we knew that in order to be accepted in the community, we had to make darn sure that there was no funny business until he graduated,” she said. They succeeded in doing so, perhaps because each had an independent career.
Nonetheless, it is interesting to compare community reaction when a male professor takes up with a female student – because there is always the suspicion of seduction or manipulation whether on the part of the student or the professor.
If I had thought to record all the conversations this past week as we prepare for Commencement, I would have had my next book of who is cheating with whom in the Halls of Ivy. (Why men and women cheat an upcoming series.)
One of the female faculty members thinks student and professor relationships are based on manipulation. I wasn’t so sure until I did some digging and came across this piece by Patricia L. Gadsden, founder and President of Life Esteem, a personal and professional enrichment training/coaching firm. “Those who manipulate other people are good at spotting people to control. If they feel unable to manipulate someone, they usually give up and move on to somebody else who is more likely to be receptive to the attempted manipulation.”
A male faculty member made a good point. “In the workforce people work in parallel with each other despite the hierarchy of doctor and nurse, director and secretary, lawyer and assistant. Whereas in academia we might be more vulnerable to manipulation than other professions because instead of really interacting, we are there teaching and students are drawing in not just the knowledge we are trying to share, but our style as well.” However, he said, “It’s not an excuse and I confess to thinking about crossing the line every once in a while. But my wife would tar and feather me and plunk me in the middle of the old campus.”
If I took a poll to see if male professors are more vulnerable than female professors, I think women would say, “Yes, because the professors are clueless and might be inviting manipulation into their lives.”
Did some research on this and found that Patricia Gadsden, seems to agree. “It takes two – the manipulator and the manipulated. “Once you recognize the features of the manipulation, the next step in correcting the situation is to discover your own contribution to the problem. (This statement may seem a bit difficult to accept. After all, it’s the manipulator who has the problem, you might say. But realize that manipulation cannot occur in a vacuum. As is true of any relationship, it takes two people.) You can come to understand your contribution to the manipulative situation and then take steps to correct it.”
What are some of the common traits of those who are vulnerable to manipulators? She says:
- You feel useful and loved only when you can take care of the needs of other people.
- You need to have the approval and acceptance of other people.
- You fear expressing negative emotions.
- You are unable to say no and therefore unable to set appropriate boundaries.
Much of this goes back to co-dependency and just how this is all interconnected is another topic. You may not agree with her thinking, but it is certainly food for thought. On Being Manipulated
Copyright 2008 Rita Watson